Knowledge is power but only if we give it wings.

>>We can read book after book and blog after blog.

>>We can visit therapist after therapist and support group after support group.

>>We can take in vast volumes of knowledge and information yet still find ourselves stuck.

Why? How is it possible to know the truth yet remain confused about what’s next?

I think there are a number of factors to consider before giving up on your healing and transformational journey:

1. Honor the process; it’s not instant healing.

To change, learn, grow and ultimately transform takes time and dedication. There will be moments of “relapse” and/or intense triggers and high-level anxiety. These are normal reactions your body and mind produces when we try changing conditioned patterns of thought and action. We involuntarily fight against those changes, because ironically, we’ve conditioned ourselves to find comfort in our suffering and state of despair.

2. Honor your survival.

You survived something that many do not. You may have lost your job, your home, your car, your family and your dignity, but you are still breathing. Your heart is still beating, right? I believe in purpose, and there is a purpose you remain alive.

3. Honor your failed expectations.

It is absolutely impossible to expect or predict how and in what setting your joy will manifest. You can think of a 100 possible scenarios, and the 101st scenario you never imagined is what you experience. So think on what you want or “something better.” Never put limits on the possibilities.

4. Honor the need to love and respect yourself before others.

Healthy levels of self-awareness and self-care are absolutely necessary if you expect the universe to start treating you better and gifting you with opportunities. Forget about what will please others for a change. Think about what you need to do for yourself, so when you are called upon to help others, you’re ready.

5. Honor the purge process.

We MUST eliminate any obstacles–thoughts, habits and people–that interfere with moving forward in our recovery. If you know certain foods aren’t good for you, stop eating them. If you recognize certain people set you off, avoid social situations with those people.

Set firm boundaries and create sacred rules of engagement for yourself, because you matter and are worth every moment dedicated to your recovery.

~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Sociopath, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Self-care, Sociopaths, Spirituality

Join the conversation! 7 Comments

  1. I think I remain stuck due to the fact that my sociopath is my own sister, and even though I avoid any and all contact with her, I still talk to my other family members that are close to her. It occurred to me this past weekend that she will probably stop at nothing to destroy me. At first I had thought it was just my parents’ money she was after, but now I believe she wants to strip me of all that makes my life happy. I think her jealousy of me has taken over, as I have everything she can’t have – a loving husband, children and everything materially I could ever want. She has long been chipping away at the relationships I have with my other family members. She knows one of my brothers and I are close, and always have been, so she will make it her goal to destroy that relationship. She may get him to side with her against me to squeeze me out of my share of the inheritance. That would break my heart, since it would be a betrayal and rejection by both my mother and my brother. After that, what next? I fear she may start to destroy me financially by filing false police reports or contacting taxing authorities. Not that I have done anything wrong, but just to throw me into defense mode and keep my life in turmoil. I fear that after my mom is gone and once she inherits a sizeable amount of money, she can afford to use the legal system to harass me and maybe even order a hit on me, or those I love. After all, she has plenty of friends in low places. So with me, I think it is the fear of “what’s next?” that keeps me emotionally trying to keep my head above water. I also live with the dread of having to go to my mother’s funeral when the time comes. By then my sister’s smear campaign will have had many years to do it’s damage, and more people who once were close to me will be giving me the cold shoulder. I saw it at my mom’s last birthday party that I attended. You can tell by the way people in your own family members treat you, and avoid even speaking to you – not even a “hello” when you’ve come from out of town, that you have been slandered and they know within the group that they are expected to give you the cold shoulder in order to stay in good standing with the sociopath. But yet I still try to hang on to keep my relationship with my mother intact for the last few years of her life. But it’s been so hard. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy – even her!


    • middlechild — My heart goes out to you. I can relate to what you describe and know that these family dynamics are all-too-real when people take sides, even without knowing the truth. It is a sad situation when good people are treated as if they are culprits when the real problem person receives positive regard that is undeserved.It seems that most people fail to recognize those who seek to cause harm to innocent people, until they themselves become a target.

      I know it can be hard not to worry, but at least take comfort in knowing your truths and the fact that you are aware enough to be responsive in ways that empower rather than denigrate you.


  2. Thank you Paula these are deep truths… for me via my therapist and the nurturing space she created for me to explore my thoughts I came to create for myself a pathway to freedom – to the me I remember from before.

    In part this took me writing out memories from times where I was aware I had been free in the way I wish to be again. Revisiting those memories became an important part of my journey. They gave me strength.

    Then I constructed a way forward – stepping stones if you will – making changes – recognising and respecting the damage done – setting goals. I have found this quite simple thing to have been important when I do regress as it gives me something to hold onto.

    I re-engaged with the group again recently – just a little – and not successfully in so far as I did not achieve everything I set out too – but I was so happy to have made the steps I did – the narcissist was there but I was not troubled so much by the presence of it as I had been before. The narcissist on returning home that day was then seen to look up and read my personal blog – so I think it is more troubled than I by the presence of the abuses.

    What you say here with this advice is key – it is as my stepping stones are – there is honor a lot in each step we take… we must celebrate each and every one.


  3. It can be so easy to forget that healing is not a simple nor linear process. Occasionally, when I’ve felt stuck, it was frustrating to think that I still had a long way to go in establishing routine positive habits.

    As you say, the hard work we do for our ongoing recovery may seem compromised at times, but all is never lost. Our small efforts at improving ourselves build up over time ,and we truly discover ourselves on new paths as we consistently practice empowering ways of being in the world.

    We certainly need these reminders! Thanks, Paula.


  4. Bravo, Paula! Excellent article and very sound advice ❤


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