During the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship and during any periods we attempted to leave the relationship, the sociopath graced us with amazing and ego-boosting compliments. And as easily as the sweet words flowed from the sociopath’s mouth, so, too, did the hatred. Yet, in our recovery and long after we escaped and/or were discarded, we prefer listening to the love musings in our remembering as opposed to the hate-filled attacks that followed.
Why? Why can’t we easily see and recognize the love bombing for what it was–manipulation tactics of a predator?
Call it our normal defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing. We’d rather focus on the nice things people point out about ourselves rather than the mean things used to criticize and judge us. Facing criticism is uncomfortable and defeating. Besides, we just don’t have a desire to let go of all those pretty, flowery words that seduced our consciousness and catapulted us into ecstasy.
But we must let go, because this defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing doesn’t work in the aftermath of sociopath abuse and instead, solidifies a deep sense self-hatred and self-loathing, crowding out any hope of finding healthy self-love and self-awareness.
Despite your preoccupation with allowing the sociopath’s professions of deep love and admiration for you to echo in your mind, you are not better than any of the sociopath’s exes or more beautiful or smarter or a better parent or a better lover or more caring or the one DESTINED to FINALLY fulfill the sociopath’s needs for love and affection.
If you’re holding on to ANY of these ego-driven, ego-feeding assumptions about yourself, let them go.
Holding on to these fantastical and materialistic self-identifiers that the sociopath used to control and manipulate your intuition and emotions inside the relationship, will continue controlling you outside the relationship.
By holding on to such false and unhealthy self-awareness, you will:
>>*Compare yourself to all of the sociopath’s new lovers or spouses. This constant comparison will make you wonder, “Is she better than me? Is she more loving, patient, kind and beautiful than me? How could she be better than me? She can’t be better than me.”
>>Leave yourself open to the sociopath’s future manipulations and lies when and if the sociopath reaches out in the future for more supply (because his current lover or spouse is “Oh, so frustrating!”).
>>Remain stuck in forever seeking the sociopath’s approval of every choice and action you take. You will find yourself asking yourself, “I wonder what the sociopath would think of me doing this? I’m sure the sociopath would/would not approve.”
>>Remain cut off from the qualities that do make you unique and special. And those qualities are:
1. Your failings AND your successes.
2. Your light AND your shadow self.
3. Your fears AND your courage.
We’re dichotomies. We are not one-sided like the sociopath had us believing. And both of our sides are equally beautiful and powerful and serve to complement the other.
So stop splitting yourself like the sociopath did. Your good deeds do not make you good anymore than your bad deeds make you bad. It’s how you process your “good” and “bad” deeds and grow your compassion for yourself and others that truly matters.
We must embrace and love all of our being in order to break free from any of the shame and blame our past missteps are causing us in the present.
We must own our missteps, but not punish ourselves for what we did in the past. We must not consume ourselves with self-hatred any longer.
To convince us we are bad, evil and imprudent was and remains the purpose of the sociopath’s mission.
Release yourself from the influence of the sociopath once-and-for-all, embrace your failings, let go of your ego and recognize that to be human, is to make mistakes so we learn and grow from them.
We must not allow the sociopath to define who we are in the aftermath. Good or bad. No pining away for the sociopath’s approval, which we will never receive and which leads to wallowing in self-loathing. If we continue to hold on to those empty, ego-boosting compliments as the basis of our self-worth, we risk destroying any hope for present and/or future peace, joy and comfort.
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath
*The new target is not “The One” to save the sociopath either, because the sociopath can’t be saved. The new target is fighting to be “The One,” because the new target does not wish to be included in the laundry list of those from his past that the sociopath judges and demeans. The new target has been made to believe she is the exception the sociopath has waited for his whole life, because the sociopath is massaging her ego, just like the sociopath massaged yours, into believing she is better than you and all others. You know, those of us who weren’t and aren’t patient enough, loving enough, smart enough, caring enough, sane enough, worthy enough or good enough. The new target is desperate to remain on that pedestal not realizing she’s fighting to maintain that spot. And don’t judge the new target, because you were once just as oblivious and ignorant to the reality of the sociopath’s abuse and control, too. 🙂