Example of a sociopath's love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

Example of a sociopath’s love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

During the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship and during any periods we attempted to leave the relationship, the sociopath graced us with amazing and ego-boosting compliments. And as easily as the sweet words flowed from the sociopath’s mouth, so, too, did the hatred. Yet, in our recovery and long after we escaped and/or were discarded, we prefer listening to the love musings in our remembering as opposed to the hate-filled attacks that followed.

Why? Why can’t we easily see and recognize the love bombing for what it was–manipulation tactics of a predator?

Call it our normal defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing. We’d rather focus on the nice things people point out about ourselves rather than the mean things used to criticize and judge us. Facing criticism is uncomfortable and defeating. Besides, we just don’t have a desire to let go of all those pretty, flowery words that seduced our consciousness and catapulted us into ecstasy.

But we must let go, because this defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing doesn’t work in the aftermath of sociopath abuse and instead, solidifies a deep sense self-hatred and self-loathing, crowding out any hope of finding healthy self-love and self-awareness.

Despite your preoccupation with allowing the sociopath’s professions of deep love and admiration for you to echo in your mind, you are not better than any of the sociopath’s exes or more beautiful or smarter or a better parent or a better lover or more caring or the one DESTINED to FINALLY fulfill the sociopath’s needs for love and affection.

If you’re holding on to ANY of these ego-driven, ego-feeding assumptions about yourself, let them go.

Holding on to these fantastical and materialistic self-identifiers that the sociopath used to control and manipulate your intuition and emotions inside the relationship, will continue controlling you outside the relationship.

By holding on to such false and unhealthy self-awareness, you will:

>>*Compare yourself to all of the sociopath’s new lovers or spouses. This constant comparison will make you wonder, “Is she better than me? Is she more loving, patient, kind and beautiful than me? How could she be better than me? She can’t be better than me.”

>>Leave yourself open to the sociopath’s future manipulations and lies when and if the sociopath reaches out in the future for more supply (because his current lover or spouse is “Oh, so frustrating!”).

>>Remain stuck in forever seeking the sociopath’s approval of every choice and action you take. You will find yourself asking yourself, “I wonder what the sociopath would think of me doing this? I’m sure the sociopath would/would not approve.”

>>Remain cut off from the qualities that do make you unique and special. And those qualities are:

1. Your failings AND your successes.
2. Your light AND your shadow self.
3. Your fears AND your courage.

We’re dichotomies. We are not one-sided like the sociopath had us believing. And both of our sides are equally beautiful and powerful and serve to complement the other.

So stop splitting yourself like the sociopath did. Your good deeds do not make you good anymore than your bad deeds make you bad. It’s how you process your “good” and “bad” deeds and grow your compassion for yourself and others that truly matters.

We must embrace and love all of our being in order to break free from any of the shame and blame our past missteps are causing us in the present.

We must own our missteps, but not punish ourselves for what we did in the past. We must not consume ourselves with self-hatred any longer.

To convince us we are bad, evil and imprudent was and remains the purpose of the sociopath’s mission.

Release yourself from the influence of the sociopath once-and-for-all, embrace your failings, let go of your ego and recognize that to be human, is to make mistakes so we learn and grow from them.

We must not allow the sociopath to define who we are in the aftermath. Good or bad. No pining away for the sociopath’s approval, which we will never receive and which leads to wallowing in self-loathing. If we continue to hold on to those empty, ego-boosting compliments as the basis of our self-worth, we risk destroying any hope for present and/or future peace, joy and comfort.

Namaste!
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

*The new target is not “The One” to save the sociopath either, because the sociopath can’t be saved. The new target is fighting to be “The One,” because the new target does not wish to be included in the laundry list of those from his past that the sociopath judges and demeans. The new target has been made to believe she is the exception the sociopath has waited for his whole life, because the sociopath is massaging her ego, just like the sociopath massaged yours, into believing she is better than you and all others. You know, those of us who weren’t and aren’t patient enough, loving enough, smart enough, caring enough, sane enough, worthy enough or good enough. The new target is desperate to remain on that pedestal not realizing she’s fighting to maintain that spot. And don’t judge the new target, because you were once just as oblivious and ignorant to the reality of the sociopath’s abuse and control, too. 🙂

Category:
abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Self-care, Sociopaths
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Join the conversation! 9 Comments

  1. Hi Paula!Yes the shift is happening despite my ex trying to block every mention or insinuation of him being a sociopath! I wrote a lengthy comment that Paula did receive but she was unable to respond to me & my comment did not show up on her blog. This only seems to happen when I write comments through her facebook page which I am doing now, seems my ex & FB are able to delete anything I post on FB that mentions my living situation or that mentions anything about narcissism even when his name is not mentioned! It is really crazy because I feel that he is stalking me via FB. & the funny thing is, is that he has been whining since the day I liked a website on Infidelity & Narcissism 4yrs ago that I slandered his name in cyberspace boo hoo! But it is ok for him in a small community to bring his married Troll into OUR HOME and I have to listen to all of the horrible things people would tell me that his Troll would say about me like, as soon as my boyfriend gets rid of his fat & lazy wife we will be together! then when I would confront him with what she said my ex would say, You believe all the rumors stop listening to them! What a freak! Cyberspace liking a website to help validate myself after his affair is more offensive to him then his Troll saying horrible things about his wife in a small town & I stayed with him for 3 yrs after that crap and I actually felt fear & that I needed to explain myself and all he did was find another girlfriend to tell his troubles to, about what an angry alcoholic wife he has that slanders his name and verbally abuses him in my txts & emails all of this & a whole bunch more crap went on while we were married. They make you feel like you are going crazy, they really do. I fortunately saw a wonderful therapist that treated PTSD and she helped me to see him for the monster he is & that he would never change so even though it was very hard I divorced him because I would rather be alone than pretend that I was with a healthy, loving honest man that would care for me & love me forever, because the only one they ever love is themselves. Hmmm whose thinks he is God? But I am going to keep telling the world about this monster & other monsters like him. We the real victims deserve to be heard & validated & trust me the only thing these monsters do is make you look like the crazy one! So lets see is this post gets blocked too! I mean really he must be on FB 24/7 or one of his toadies is…What a life!

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    • Yah! Good for you, Pamela. This post won’t be deleted. They truly can’t face the reality of what they do and the harm they inflict. They are the spawn of evil in my opinion, and I refuse to be fearful of the cowards moving forward. 🙂

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  2. Great Post Paula but, what’s new! 😉

    I found that the ‘bigger the love, the harder the fall!’
    For me that meant many things.
    It’s like childbirth stories, they all vary but, are nevertheless all valid & painful & confronting etc…

    I learnt from having contact with the other women that he never varied his script for grooming & love-bombing. We all got sucked in by the exact/identical words & we all got ‘sucker punched’ with the same demoralization systematically.
    Two of us even worked out that if he couldn’t get satisfaction from one he would take it out on the next one & escalate the abuse by becoming more sadistic etc…So, you may not pay but, the other/s one will for your misdeeds in his eyes!!!
    That is so creepy & cruel but, that is how he operates. That’s why they constantly keep rotating the sources as, each one upsets his ego & on his destructive path he goes unchecked!
    I know from reading all the stories & seeing the patterning but, it really was confronting to finish another’s sentences when we had suffered the same taunts & physical abuses.
    The grooming was unbelievable & not dissimilar to a pedophile!

    I do know now that until you realize you are just an object & nothing more then, you will romanticize the good bits forever & stay stuck with the memories good & bad.
    The OW’s in my saga are all different ages & at least 3 are old enough to be my Mother & his as well! He likes the older generation as, they are more likely to ‘fit’ the domestic abuses & stay quiet as they have been brainwashed by patriarchal type domination etc…
    He also relied on the OW’s guilt as at least 4 are his mistresses & knew he was married & had even met his wife! They couldn’t speak up as they felt they deserved it somewhat for accepting his stories re infidelity etc…in other words, they remained hidden with no support as no-one has sympathy for the ‘mistress’.

    If we look to fill ourselves up with other people then we also become like them so, we need to accept ourselves & not expect others to give us our love. Self love/awareness is crucial to attracting positive lives.

    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very encouraging post Paula. Something like 3 1/2 years post D&D for me and with new target…I can accept all this for myself, but even knowing he’s lying when he refers to the OW as his wife (what she is providing a nice, expensive home for him to live, lucrative income, and he can buy all the pretty, expensive new toys his heart (or whatever passes for it) desires.

    Part of me just keeps saying WHY/ WHY/ WHY/ WHY/ seeing them still together. I hate it when my logic knows better, and yet my emotional side tries to buy into all his malarkey and nonsense! He’s a liar, and cheat! Likely at 3 1/2 years, she’s getting regularly demeaned and abused by his mean and sweet cycles. He’s not a good, nice, normal man! I know this, but why does part of me remain unable to accept it? Thank you!

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    • I think it’s the same reason we stayed: our visual recall and memory isn’t as fine-tuned as our intuitive recall and memory. Inside the toxic relationship, we dismissed and ignored our gut because we did not want to be too hasty or harsh. We always wanted to give our tormentor the benefit of the doubt. Outside the toxic relationship you will continue giving him the benefit of the doubt unless you harness your intuition and make it your default even when you SEE something that counters your intuition. Practice listening to your gut in every situation you find yourself. Eventually, you will be free from these conflicting emotions and sensations about who and what he is. You logic and heart will align. 🙂

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  4. Girl for Animal..yes we do look insane if we try to warn other victims but I never did that. I took the route to warn others I not know and some thought I was crazy. So at times I think we got to focus our energy if we choose to help for receiving others like us when they break free.

    Everyone that is a victim will be here or somewhere like here if she/he breaks free and need all the love she/he can get to feel etc. and we are going to see something so beautiful about her/him that our abusers took for granted, manipulated etc because they lacked love, empathy etc. Atleast this is what I got from Paula post and Nicole message as well as a lot more that freed me even more.

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  5. You’re right. I shouldn’t be too quick or harsh to judge Troll Face because I was duped and had to learn the hard way, no doubt she will too. It is sad that we cannot warn these new victims. But they never believe us, rather, we look insane to them.

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    • Ha Ha my ex’s 1st affair (that I know of) was Troll! But I don’t know about feeling or showing compassion for them, let alone saying anything to them about my ex being a Narc because I believe the ones that my ex cheated on me with are both Narcs too! Troll was married & then went on to try and have me arrested & put restraining orders on me while I was still married & even though she is not with my ex(but I am sure he is still in contact with her via email or txt, you know how that have to have adored!) She is still mean & nasty to me. The current one was involved with my ex 3 yrs before I divorced, and I knew her and when all of the gossip & mutual friends asking me like, WTH is going on with your Husband & Kimberly (Ex told me that she was his new best friend that loved him & he trusted her more than me this was while we were married) I went to her and asked her to please stop seeing my husband that I was barely over the shock of his first affair, especially with her continued harassment and she just looked at me with her beady eyes & says, oh we are just friends, so no they deserved to be treated just like my ex. But it is true that those who come to these spaces are truly victims & do need our help & encouragement through the nasty wake of betrayal for sure! I just love all of Paula’s wisdom & advice! I have been posting/sharing her blogs on my facebook page & the keep getting deleted!!! Seriously my ex is such an arrogant ego maniac that he considers my sharing TO HELP OTHERS!!! Paula’s posts as abusive to him. Because don’t you know he is the GOOD one who sacrificed for me, helped me raise my mentally ill daughter (my daughter is just fine by the way) and helped my family financially & I am the angry alcoholic that can’t let go & move on. I am going to keep posting Paula’s posts because I believe that our experience was & is abuse and that there needs to be help for healing & recovery for the REAL victims & besides I think it is kind of funny that he reads all of these & to see how long it takes for Paula’s posts to get deleted! Oh what a world!

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    • I’m just amazed at what FB chooses to judge as offensive and does not judge as offensive. It’s baffling and speaks to how delusional and uninformed society is about abuse and accountability. We have every right to speak out against the treatment and behavior. It is not my fault it makes the abusers feel uncomfortable, but it becomes my problem when the abusers try to silence my voice and the voice of others who share truth. And why should our emotions diminish the honesty of our truth? Why should our anger or fear or disgust in the abuser and in the system make what we have to say and share any less credible? Our emotions should make our truth that much more credible and believed. I won’t shut up, and I hope you won’t shut up, either. I can only hope that our desire for peace and understanding is clear to those who stumble across our messages and stories and accounts of abuse against us. I hope people will one day learn to truly discern between the real and the false victims and push the false victims aside as the real victims have been pushed aside for decades. There is a shift happening, and we must maintain the momentum. 🙂

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