Outside of the obvious (lack of conscience, remorse and the ability to experience affective empathy), the biggest difference between sociopaths and the rest of us is their immediate need for pity and sympathy in the aftermath of their abuse against others.

Sociopaths jump on the “victim bandwagon” long before their victims figure out they are victims.

While the real victims spend months and years ashamed and in the fog of victim denial, sociopaths immediately start looking for sympathy, validation and support by declaring themselves VICTIMS!

Sociopaths quickly find a willing audience (generally a new victim or existing minions and family members) and repeatedly say things like, “Can you believe she made me do that? He deserves what he’s experiencing. It wouldn’t have happened if she had just listened to me in the first place. What a cruel and mean thing he did. She is so sick. He has no idea what a great friend in me he lost. She’ll never find anyone who is willing to help her the way I tried to help her. I doubt he will ever learn. She’s so pathetic.”

Those listening to the crying and distraught sociopath intensely spewing his/her unbelievable story of abuse with the air of saintly tolerance and feigned concern through a flood of crocodile tears, imagine that the sociopath must have been attacked by some type of human monster. The sociopath’s audience quickly and instantly judge the source of the sociopath’s “pain” as a person who is cruel and hateful.

Unfortunately, these people, the sociopath’s source of supply and validation for his/her shitty behavior, have no idea that it’s the sociopath before them seeking their pity who is the monster.

Sociopaths have a knack for playing the victim expertly and feel deeply that the only reason they “had to do what they did” to their victim is because their victim somehow abused the sociopath first.

To the sociopath, abuse is perceived very differently than how the rest of us perceive abuse.

An abuse against the sociopath means someone in their sphere of influence–their current intimate partner, business partner, best friend or family member–directly assaulted the sociopath’s existence through that person’s indirect actions and/or words.

Actions sociopaths associate as direct abuse against them include:

When someone questions, opposes, or debates the sociopath; exerts their free will and free thinking in any given situation; seeks assistance from anyone other than the sociopath; makes decisions without first consulting the sociopath; succeeds in efforts not first approved by the sociopath; receives more attention or recognition from mutual acquaintances than the sociopath; and/or looks or feels happier than the sociopath.

To the sociopath, these are direct affronts to the sociopath’s sense of security and identity. These “abuses” put the sociopath on the peripheral of a person’s life and not at the center of it, and sociopaths just HATE feeling like they are not the absolute center of their victim’s world.

When the sociopath feels this way, the sociopath is convinced he/she has been victimized by an uncaring and heartless monster. And there is always a willing audience to listen to and support the sociopath cry about injustices against him/her.

Is it because people like drama? Or does it have something to do with the sociopath testing his audience’s moral code and human decency in the moment?

I think it’s the later.

While the sociopath spews about the cruel and hateful assaults against him/her, it would be cruel and hateful for the sociopath’s audience of supporters to look upon the sociopath as a liar, don’t you think?

And that is exactly what the sociopath counts on and uses to his/her advantage in the immediate aftermath of the fall of the toxic relationship.

“It’s all her fault! All I did was love her and she left me! She is so cruel and sick and doesn’t appreciate a good man when he’s standing before her.”

Blah, blah, boo, hoo. It’s amazing how shameless they are in their quest for pity.

Sociopaths sound more like insecure and self-loathing toddlers frustrated because their mother turned her back to tend to a sibling or to dinner or to someone, anyone, who is not the out-of-control and selfish sociopath.

But the sociopath’s audience somehow fails to see the monster behind the mask and instead believes it’s looking at a person, the sociopath, who tried so hard to be loved and was rejected and abandoned by a hateful and mentally ill abuser not worthy of the sociopath’s gift of enlightenment and righteousness.

(Note to any sociopath reading this: The above sentence was written using the literary devices called sarcasm and irony. I know neither are easy for you to recognize and wanted to make it clear in case you take the message literally and as a compliment. Sorry. That’s not what it is at all.)

So by the time the REAL victim comes forward months and/or years later to dispute the sociopath’s claims and/or detail what REALLY happened, everyone who supports the sociopath and who heard the sociopath’s early claims of abuse look upon the REAL victim as the abusive liar the sociopath successfully triangulated and manipulated them into believing she was. Sociopath supporters are blindly unwavering in support of the sociopath.

“I can’t believe anyone would accuse [insert name of sociopath] of such actions. He’s such a good and decent person. He’s done so much for [insert name of community]’s cause. I can’t believe anyone could accuse a person who has been through so much of such a horrendous act. Only someone mentally ill could accuse such a good person of THAT!”

We see this injustice repeat across all crimes of abuse, rape and fraud. We watch victim after victim on the news who come forward years after they were molested or raped being denied credibility. They are denied credibility because people who haven’t been abused assume REAL victims wouldn’t wait so long to report such offenses, which speaks to the collective cluelessness of society when it comes to identifying REAL victims. Tragically, even law enforcement, attorneys, social workers, psychiatrists, judges and juries are included in this collective ignorance.

The first thing that should be clear to those who are clueless is that REAL victims don’t even identify with victimhood until physical and emotional symptoms begin manifesting in their lives. Even then, many victims refuse to believe that their anxiety, addiction, depression, loss of hope, or physical handicap is a result of being a victim of abuse, a result of post-traumatic stress.

Victims/survivors of sociopath abuse struggle with accepting we were/are victims in the first place, and question whether or not we asked for our suffering, because victims of abuse believe it IS their fault and don’t seek to blame and/or point fingers at others, alone and definitely not in front of an audience.

But sociopaths, on the other hand, are thrilled to gain the pity from others and immediately declare themselves victims. With full and unwavering support from their unsuspecting new group of patsies, sociopaths are able to nurture a dangerous sense of self-empowerment, delusions and entitlement.

Suddenly, as if by magic, the poor abused sociopath is “over” the “suffering” he/she unfairly endured. Until, of course, his/her current group of so-called friends starts questioning, calling out, or ignoring the sociopath’s righteous and “expert” advice, and the pity party and crazy-making cycle grows and festers with new victims and new accusations.

So we must question those who attempt to infiltrate themselves into our world who seem so “unlucky” in life and have a history of jumping or being “pushed” from group to group, relationship to relationship, cause to cause.

Instead of blindly inviting these “strays” into our communities, we need to protect ourselves and our friends and ask these people directly: “Why do you think you keep losing people in your life?”

What’s the “right” or “wrong” answer to this question? I think everyone finally knows how to sense and discern between a sociopath’s disingenuous answer and a non-sociopath’s genuine response to the question. Besides, I don’t want to detail a correct or a wrong answer just so sociopaths can steal our knowledge and put it in their “mask of sanity” toolkit.

It’s fair to say that we know how to look into a person’s eyes, feel their energy (good and bad) and know if the fool is a fool. After all, we were fooled before, right? So now that we’re experienced with being duped once, we know immediately when it’s standing before attempting to dupe us again. The only thing that might be different is the costume. We won’t fall for it’s bait. We are confident and trust ourselves now, right? 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

Category:
abuse, Addiction, Child abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Health, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Sociopaths
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Join the conversation! 52 Comments

  1. I am so thankful to have found this resource. I’ve gone through and am still going through almost exactly this! It’s a nightmare and I’ve wanted to die just to end it so many times! To find this is a godsend, validation that I’m not crazy or the worst person alive. This man destroyed my life and I’m still financially dependant on him. What amazes me is that even armed with this new found knowledge, he still can manage to make even me pity him! I’ve carefully navigated around his ploys for the past week since finding this blog, giving him no ammunition, so today he dragged back something that happened 3 weeks ago that he could say I did to make him feel bad. He is physically a beautiful man with a childlike false innocence that he can drag out at will along with crying if necessary, but at the least, the appearance that he’s on the verge of crying and I’m so naturally compassionate that I immediately go into pity mode. I did realize today how utterly ridiculous it was that here I stand, bleeding from surgery I just had yesterday for cancer, in pain, crying because he’s once again convinced me it’s all my fault. So I pointed all that out to him, turned around and went back inside. He of course called later to seek more pity, but without the yelling at me for being so bad I forced him to be mean. I don’t know how to get away alive. I’m still married to him, but he doesn’t live with me, something he had me convinced was my fault until now. I don’t know what to do to survive.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Melani, you are so brave and smart! Don’t let him tell you differently. Narcissists can fool anyone, no matter how smart and “together” they are. Just hang in there. Try not to engage with him unless necessary. You could ask that a third person be involved when you two are communicating. I used my step-father (who my ex-husband liked) to be a liaison until things died down. Divorce is tough, but there is a beautiful fabulous life out there waiting for you afterwards!

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  2. Thank you so much for that article! It has been such a relief to see that I am not alone. The Psychopath in my life was my father, and it took such a negative toll on my childhood and early adulthood. I am still learning ways to cope because I felt so invalidated. Only a few people in my life actually see him for what he is. All of my family members in his family think that he is a saint, and feel sorry for him. I am seen as the “troubled one.” He is very wealthy, and successful. I know that this is hard to hear, but he is the CEO of 7 hospitals–and on the Medical Ethics Board!!!

    He has told me and my ex-husband that he is willing to do anything to anyone “legal or illegal” to get what he wants. I have been the brunt of some of those things, and they were devastating.

    I am finally speaking out about all of the lies, deceptions, and manipulations–anonymously, of course. This is hard, because I have to re-live the trauma that I went through in the past. As you stated in your article, many people are upset with me for speaking out, “How could that man that is head of a hospital and done so much for so many people be a monster?” I need to stand up for myself as part of the healing process, and thank you all for your stories. I am not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your struggles, and I’m glad this article has helped you. Stand behind your truth and take care of yourself through the process. 🙂

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    • oh my gosh this is so true, I see my ex sociopath narcissist around town she cowerslike she is the victim and I was the one who is the monster it is so sick but I’m sure her new people around her believe thatand I’m sure she can get away with it for a month or two until they were around her enough to see her madness

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    • Paula why are we engaging with William? He is incapable of empathy and love, what you’ve always said is not to they are incurable and monstersso why engage with questions and forgiveness and going back to your victims?

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    • You’re right. And he obviously isn’t interested in finding true redemption or he would have followed up and answered my questions. My issue is I feel a need to at least acknowledge comments. Maybe instead of directly responding, I’ll just approve and ignore them and let them stand for what they are.

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    • I agree with Steve. Unfortunately, there is no evidence that Psychopaths have the ability to change. The idea that people can change for the better is the reason why I kept on trusting my Narcissistic parent again and again. Each time, he would prove to me that he is not trustworthy. Then, I would be angry at myself for being fooled again. In my opinion, either William is just trying to get sympathy and play with our heads, or he wasn’t a Psychopath in the first place.

      There is nothing wrong with hoping that someone has changed for the better, but just remember to keep your guard up. Make them prove to you that there is a true change over a significant period of time.

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  3. Excuse me for jumping in where I probably shouldn’t, but I am a sociopath. I’ve been verbally and emotionally abusive, exploitive, dishonest, promiscuous, etc.. My wife was the empath of empaths. I put her and so many others through abuse, betrayal, etc.. Many times since my mask came off I’ve been called a little boy, etc.. I feel like I took evil to new heights. What made it even worse is that I was a minister– a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I hate what I’ve done and what I am, and am very much tortured with the idea of God’s justice, which I’m doubly due for tarnishing the reputation of the ministry the way I did. Not sure what I can do at this point. Any suggestions are welcome.

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    • Thank you for your willingness to come forward, William. Why now? What happened that you finally recognized that you need to change and end this abuse? Are you interested in true service to God and your community and harnessing empathy, compassion and selfless acts of love moving forward?

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    • William, go back & apologize (even if you don’t mean it) & tell those you have hurt what you are & how you have gamed,blamed,shamed,lied,deluded & tried to hurt them deliberately for your own self gratification.
      As for God etc…he does not judge anyone, he is everyone & everywhere.
      When we all get to our ‘Higher Awareness’ on this earth due to good deeds & true compassion & love then we, evolve into a more heavenly state with our ‘God’. (Whatever we each choose to believe is our own right so, this is my personal belief only & it may not be everyone else’s here?).
      When we truly sit with who ‘we are’ & embrace humanity with great understanding & peace & generosity, courage,sincerity,integrity,authenticity then, our time here on this planet has been
      worth every minute of suffering.

      As Empaths we find Joy & Love in all mankind & that is our reward that Sociopaths or other disordered minds can never attain & that is terribly sad but, only you can seek our path.
      It comes from being unselfish,wholehearted,authentic & real.

      Good-luck & Love & Light (I sincerely mean that).

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  4. This is so true even as heartbreaking as it is but at the same time a relief to know you aren’t losing your mind because you want to have compassion and hold on to the last of your injured empathy for others although these cruel beings try to destroy that and make it hard to trust. Pity and sympathy is my tried and true bait and these individuals know it. From my bleeding heart they conned their way into living in my home rent free supporting them and my child and even pawning things of mines after singing a sad story. Unfortanely I am sooo wary of people now who immediately panhandle for pity and sympathy. It’s like a Red Flag but it makes me sick to my stomach to think I have to subject a person to suspicion when they may really be in need all because My compassion was damaged by a not so great person. I constantly worry if I am being duped again. It is hard to recover but I try and I do feel a lot better knowing I just move forward with extreme reservation.

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    • I find that the key to not being jaded is to nurture our identity and sense of self. Once we accomplish that. it becomes easier to remain detached from anyone who enters our life and attempts to squash or exploit our self-worth.

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  5. Hello Paula,
    Thank you for all your amazing blogs. Providing an outlet for sufferers is so important. Like most victims, I have felt alone in my recovery. I want so badly for someone to understand- friends and family, but I feel as if I’m trying to defend myself at times and receive blank stares in return. I then retreat into being silent and try to deal with my pain all by myself. It’s hard.

    My story in a nutshell. Met a boy and fell in love. It seems now that it was a whirl wind but during that time it just felt so right. I thought- “he really gets me and understands me”. “I’ve found the one”. We dated for two years and during the second year I got pregnant. I’m 35 and we discussed this before hand. We weren’t necessarily “trying” but agreed if it happened it would be a good thing. I figured we would be married soon and thought, “well I’m not getting any younger”.

    During my pregnancy is when my life came crumbling down. I found emails and websites, I found empty baggies (drugs) and shady text messages. He was leading not only a double life but many lives. I was so traumatized and distraught. I printed out the emails (sex websites) and confronted him. He looked right at me- and told me he didn’t do anything. Then promptly tore up the emails, threw them in the trash and stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door. I ended up consoling him. What?!?!
    He would verbally say “you’re the only one for me babe” and “I love you” “I’m not cheating on you” but nothing matched up. Meaning, I felt worthless, ugly and very much unloved. I couldn’t put my finger on why. He was dead behind the eyes.. I didn’t realize it as much during but I look back at pictures and it’s so frightening. So cold and callous. This was very apparent in the delivery room. While in labor HE was just SO exhausted. He left to take a two hour nap in the lobby. So much for the supportive soon-to-father.

    It just got worse after that. After returning home- I can recall hurting from just having a baby and waiting on HIM. Fixing his dinner plate and bringing it to him. Nursing non stop but also trying to find time to clean and grocery shop. He was constantly on his phone- very secretive. He would take his phone into the bathroom and sleep with it under his pillow at night.

    The last straw is when he left for work at 9pm and came home at 8am the next day. I couldn’t get a hold of him ( he said his phone died) and when he came walking in at 8 am I lost it. I had been sobbing for 5 hours straight and caring for my newborn.

    I stayed with my sister for a few days after that and then told him I needed to clear my head and go visit my parents for a bit. I didn’t give him a time frame. He agreed and said it was for the best and I should go. He kept telling me I had postpartum and I was depressed. He also said I may have a deeper problem and I should go get help. He told me he was so good to me and how could I possibly be unhappy. He made me feel like I was taking crazy pills. I felt like I was in a strange f’d up movie.

    Currently, My precious 9 month old baby girl and I have been living with my parents since January. He has seen her on FaceTime once 7 months ago. I get text messages from him that say the same things over and over again. It’s like he’s a robot and can’t come up with anything else new to say. I have gotten “you’re so evil” “how can you sleep at night” “I hate you” “you’re not the same person” “your mom is evil and you’re just like her”. I can predict what he will say. Then I get texts that say “I still love you” “I want us to be a family”. I’ve had no contact with him since March 17th. All documented.

    Regarding my little girl. My ex and I were never married and he refused to sign the birth certificate. He “says” he misses her and wants his child back but he knows where we are. There has been nothing on his end regarding coming to see her or setting up a time to meet. His life is going on just as he wants. It’s like she doesn’t exist to him unless it’s to bash me on Facebook and get the sympathy vote from his 5,000 “friends”.

    I have a question. I’ve been reading so much about children of sociopaths. I’m so scared that she will have traits of the mental illness as well. What is the probability of this? And does environment have just as much impact? My parents and I show her unconditional love every second. She is taken care of and so so loved. I find myself observing my daughter for sociopathic tendencies. I don’t want to become obsessed with this!! If anyone has any insight into this I would love to hear.

    Thank you so so much for reading and listening. I have good and bad days. The bad days are getting less and less. But still there. 😦

    Love & light
    Monica

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    • Monica, Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s so similar to mine and many others who come here. Your worries with regard to your daughter are well-founded. However, there are no definitive tests other than the experiences in your everyday life that will open your eyes to your daughter’s character one day. All you can do is do as you are doing and model love, compassion, discipline and just consequences. In time, you will be able to measure if your daughter is remorseful and genuine in her behavior and in her reaction to the world in general. You will be able to feel a bond or not feel a bond. I am one who believes that this condition is innate and is not a condition one that can be reversed through nurturing or treatment. And keep in mind that all children go through stages of rebellion and quest for independence. All children, at one time or another, make excuses and manipulate and scream, “I hate you, Mom!,” because children really do believe they are the center of the world. But not all children make it a habit to hurt other children repeatedly or animals or disrespect their parents or teachers or blame others for their own bad behavior. You as the mother WILL know. You’ll know intuitively, and you’ll know very soon if you don’t already. 🙂

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    • Monica,

      My wife is a sociopath and has no contact with our daughter. She is 14 and shows no traits of a sociopath. I think my wife was abused or traumatized as a child and developed sociopathic traits as a way to cope. Please do not worry about your child having sociopathic traits. I think the healthy environment you and your parents are providing will prevent that.

      Take care,
      David

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    • David,
      Thank you so much for your comment. I have been worrying myself sick. I know it’s not a 100% either way, but hearing that you have a daughter with no signs is a big relief to me.

      Again, thank you for sharing- my parents and I will always show my little girl unconditional love, honesty, integrity and decency. All the best to you and your daughter.

      Monica 😊

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  6. “Monster”

    That’s what my Ex called me back in November 2005. Then he demanded we get a divorce. Three months later, I learned he had a woman on the side.

    So glad I am free of his pathology. Peace out!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sounds like the EX-NS I was in a relationship with for 2-1/2 years — they try fervently to make us the problem all the while having someone else on the side who they have sucked in. I pray for the 18 yr old Ex-NS sucked in. She ‘a a innocent kid living with and having sex with a 59 yr old man — DISGUSTING TO THE CORE. I’m now free and healing, Thank God.

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    • That is disgusting. She no doubt feeds his ego. I feel sorry for her too because when he’s finished w/ her, she will be left in a wake of his destruction.

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    • Now I wonder if anyone can help ME!!?? I left my husband 10 years ago and retained an endured friendship for the sake of our daughter, he has never contributed to her needs in anyway, and I think is what they refer to in america as a ‘deadbeat’…..apart from all the abuse as per typical Narc/socio which we all know about, he and I bumbled through 10 years like this insults, fights…deception all the usual…..LIES TO BIG AND FANTASTIC to believe….!. He lives in LA when I found that he had been cheating on me and my child (in utero) after confirmation I left him and returned to England with our Daughter. He used to stay in my home for weeks and months on end everything provided for all his needs, car, fuel, cash, food, bed and board, all without a complaint so that I could give my child a chance at a proper relationship with her father……from time to time…!!

      Now, he has secured his next wealthy victim, he has stated that I am Anti-Semitic!!! (He is of that religion, I of course am not!) It is the only thing he can play with as I have provided all other parental dues as per needs for our child and continue to do so. It of course is a Lie and completely made up to get me to squirm, I severed all contact and told him to leave me alone….he sends links to Anti-Semitic abuse websites, I believe with the intention of reporting me for abuse….(ficticious nonsense) the emails are daily now, I never respond. Yesterday, I received a Skype request, and then an email with a link to ‘Child Abduction”….. as I now live with my daughter in my home in the UK, she now has a British Passport and has lived here with me alone apart from his occasional visits for 10 years she will be 11 in a few weeks!

      I cannot stop his persistent threatening behaviour, and although I do still allow contact with her by phone as she misses him so much….I am sick and tired of this consistent Bullying…….any ideas anyone??!!

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    • He’s attempting to prove that YOU are the mean hateful bully who took his child from him so this new woman can have pity on him. Ignore him. Know that it’s a game intended to provoke you to react and seem crazy. And keep modeling love and patience and dignity with your daughter. She’ll soon see who the monster is in this dynamic and understand more clearly why you “saved” her as you did.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t they all have at least one other woman on the side that they can whine & complain to about how angry & mean we are & who tells them how wonderful & taken for granted they are? You are so right about them jumping on the victim wagon long before we even figure out what has happened to us! Once I figured out that my ex was a narc which took me 3 yrs after I found out that he was having an affair, I realized that in those 3 yrs of being ignored or being told that I was 50% responsible for his affair & I was also told that the married troll he had an affair with was a nice & good person just like him that just made a mistake!(his beloved good troll tried having me arrested for battery & tried to put a restraining order on me) all of which my ex said it was my fault because I antagonized her! Then he meets his current female while we are married & I am losing my mind because WHO in their right mind after betraying their wife go and meets another woman who he tells me is his new best friend, blatantly flirts in front of me, goes on camping trips with her & announces to me, Kimberly loves me as a friend & I trust her more than you! You are just insecure & dont want me to have any female friends!!!! All of this abuse (and this is only the tip of the iceberg of abuse that he hurled at me!) I kept to myself, or when I shared it with others they didnt believe me or just did’t want to hear it. I was told many times by others just let go & move on!!! If they only knew how badly I wanted to let go & how badly I wanted to feel normal again & OK. My now ex told everyone my friends, my family, his family & friends & girlfriends that I was an angry drunk alcoholic that verbally abused him in my txts & emails!!! They are COWARDS as well as mentally ill. When I learned what my ex was & that it wasnt me I was relieved & I had found a website on Narcissism that I liked & the like showed up on my FB page, my at the time husband lost his mind & called me at work screaming How dare you call me mentally ill in cyberspace for everyone to see? All I did was like a website & he says I am calling him mentally ill in cyberspace, but it is OK for him to tell everyone we know in a very small community that I am angry drunk that squandered his money and slandered his good name! Just recently my now ex recently had posts removed from FB that involved my sharing with FB my ex threatening me with a restraining order for slander (which FYI the validation I received from peoples comments was very much needed) & a shared post of Paula’s on recovery from narc abuse also taken off my FB page! Exposing these creeps for the creeps that thy are is the only thing that affects them! Unfortunately it took me 5 yrs staying in this abusive marriage & a horrendous divorce to finally stand up for myself & expose my ex so that I can start process this nightmare & begin to heal! I am very grateful to have found this space!

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    • Thank you for your comment, Pamela, and for your message to me. I apologize for my delayed response. These people always figure out a way to worm their way around the obvious fact that they are cheating and have always been cheating! My ex had at least two woman he communicated with non-stop through e-mail. Both were exes from his past that he kept on a dangling carrot string, as if he were some prize they absolutely needed. And he created that mirage for them. He depicted me and my “problems” as his cause…he was a saint for putting up with me and doing what my family was never able to do…stand up to me. Pfft! Standing up to a person does not mean demeaning that person just to destroy that person. That is not helpful. As for outing them, they react with desperation and feigned ignorance. Every emotion is false that comes forth from these pieces of trash. Collectively, our stories CAN help bring awareness and healing to those who feel alone and isolated and desperate to be understood and validated. 🙂

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  7. Paula,

    Thank you for this insightful description of a sociopath. I was married to one and had no clue what was going on until I went to my neighbor and she told me what my wife was saying about me.

    Fortunately, my neighbor did not believe my wife.

    It has been a long road and it continues even though we are divorced. However, my daughter is safe and I am grateful for that. I give credit to God because I was praying for her protection constantly.

    The sociopath has an upperhand because he/she can claim victimhood before the true victim . Being the offender, he/she has complete control over when the offense happens. My ex-wife used to claim victim hood before she committed her acts of abuse.

    Then, when she committed her acts of abuse, it was already established how bad the true victim already was with her audience members. This made it extremely hard for the true victim to be believed.

    Thanks again. I will keep praying for the true victims.

    David

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  8. Paula, I’ve read and re-read this beautifully written, brilliant post. My cup (my soul) is overflowing with so much regarding the relationship I encountered with the NS who was a part of my life. You are so “spot on,” it’s incredible.

    Many of my GFs don’t understand the aftermath from having a relationship with a NS. One will never know unless and until it is experienced. I posted to my wall on FB.

    I can’t thank you enough for all you do. Still healing…still growing…still learning to love myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s okay that they don’t understand. It means they have either not experienced or known that they experienced such deception. Many people are duped daily and are oblivious to it! Those of us who are awakened to it have a tough road ahead of us trying to figure out why it happened and what it means that it happened.

      You will one day realize that it happened and you were made aware that it happened because you are capable of handling the mystery you will soon uncover on your healing and recovery journey.

      ❤ 🙂

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  9. Paula, I just read your feed. Crying bit more but the good cry. I so needed that post. That should be a post here because I will need to read it over and over as I reflect on all you the truth you gave me about rebuilding myself.

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  10. Wow, Paula thank you. I believed I trusted myself by setting up a shield to protect myself and honoring myself via no contact. Yet, through your eyes I see I limited my trust because I am afraid to trust myself to trust others beyond my close circle. This is eye awakening for me and hits me directly. It is definitely something I need to evaluate.

    As for the shame I did not see myself as holding it but reading my writing again I go over and over on knowing better so I guess I am, which is also something I need to work on and I think in doing so I might find less shame in my morals. Paula I just got so twisted in it. I mean how is doing good trying to be too good. As I said a lot made no sense that should have made sense to someone in my position. I still get flashbacks for stuff and think why I did not react then etc. So I am not sure how to answer your question on morals other than maybe I feel my morals are too high because it is how I was made to feel.

    Paula, you really hit home that I am literally crying now but not a bad cry. I just see a lot of what you are saying and it makes me sad for reasons I am sure I do not have to explain to you. I really got to sit back now and chew on this for a moment because I got a bit of negativity undo.

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  11. Phoenix I am trying. It will be my anthem for now on to fight for myself. I did not quite think of things that way but in hopes fighting for others would somehow validate myself again to solve two problems. My needing to feel empowered and fight the complex my ex gave me about being a good-two shoes. He really went on in the last part of our relationship about that and I know that was all trying to destroy what I loved to do.

    I will never forget we argued about an addition on the house and I said I knew it would have been better if we did it that way and he yelled at me and said you always feel it better if like this or that or feel it can be improved if we do it that way, well what more can be done you self-righteous bitch. So now I am trying to break free of all that because with that abuse I started doing things like I only meant it like this and did not mean to come off that way. I apologize so much that I should not have to make an apology in a lifetime. I been through a lot and I thank you Phoenix for understanding that because at times the saying is correct you never know anyone journey and to the outside world I was the golden girl living in Barbie world but my Ken was really Ken you buy in the store, no heart in him but look so good outside.

    Anon

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  12. Phoenix, thanks for the comment and I try to do as you have written but all I manage to do is trust those I have known for years. I can still feel when I meet someone new or around those not as close to me because as I said to you earlier I can feel your love and so far you been consistent in showing me empathy. Yet, if you told me to meet you for a cup of coffee I would literally be afraid to take this next step. Being here is the biggest step in a long time.

    Helping others remains easy because I have been doing it for years. It is like clockwork for me but I am socially inept to make new acquaintances beyond work. I have a man interested in me right now and you know I became so terrified he would hurt me that I changed my number two times and limited him to Skype to speak to me and will not go anywhere alone with him (why because of something my ex did to me before I left him). I lay in panic with my phone because I think every time I give someone my number for business since my ex and I are in related fields that they will give it to him and he will call me. I literally went underground so to speak in many ways to avoid contact.

    I feel like I am falling apart again releasing all of this but something about Paula post made me say okay am I all authentic too. You see I am so stuck at I know whose fault it is for what happen to make me this way but I still beat myself up for should having known better. I am mean Phoenix who really am I if I could not protect myself. I can sit here and help others all day but am I am authentic if I could not help myself and sit in fear. I had all the tools and skills that should have made me run away sooner but I stayed and stayed and drank the kool-aid. I tell people you will be alright and do this and that but did nothing for myself. It took me three years to make a move or let alone acknowledge what was happening and I am still left dealing with shit. And three years may seem like nothing but add 15 years to that. So yeah!

    I could be apart of a big firm but instead I coach younger lawyers how to succeed but make no steps myself because I am afraid someone will screw me over so I practice alternative law and only take referrals I know. Phoenix, my innocence of trust is stolen and it has affected every damn thing around me.. I am only sane because I got a strong support system. I can say what and what not to do because as a lawyer I am effective in written and verbal communication. Yet, as a person when I am alone I am afraid and perhaps at times think more afraid than anyone because I should have known better but the addiction of kool-aid I learn shows no pity for age, education, looks, etc. If you drink it you become addicted and when you’re done it is like hell to loose the weight from all the sugar and even when you do you hold on to a bit of weight that seems like it will not come off.

    I often feel like damaged goods and like I should never be in a relationship and at times that makes me so upset because right now my ex is not having a problem at all. I begin to think nothing will bring my trust back so I should give up and just be happy being free and empowering myself the best way I can because when I think on trust I feel miserable and want to isolate myself. So Phoenix thanks for being the great empath that you are, it helps but I am no where close to where I hoped to be in terms of my goal of trusting again. I only trust myself not to let anyone hurt me again.

    Anon

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    • Hi Anon 🙂

      You have such a great spirit 🙂
      Please know that like you, I am very good at fixing others & trying to help.
      I have chosen not to ‘put’ myself ‘out-there’ but, it’s not because of lack of trust or fear of being hurt again. Honestly, I just cannot be bothered.
      After everything, I am happy on my own. I hope one day that someone special comes along but, I have no need or time frame etc…
      I also have a guy but, he is married so, I told him to ‘back off’ unless he’s divorced & shows me the papers, I am not interested. I am mindful of his wife & her feelings & I am mindful of my self respect. I wish there were more like me but, alas we all travel to the beat of a different drum.

      You sound like a wonderful person with many talents so, my advice is to get more self awareness going via meditation, counselling, good nutrition, exercise, travel, affirmations & the love of your support group. There is no right or easy way except self love & self acceptance.
      Accept who you are totally.
      Fears, flaws & everything, we all have them.
      Until you change your pattern of thinking nothing will change.
      You have survived a lot & you know you can. Your here today aren’t you.
      Just keep reading, sharing, supporting & shining.
      Resolve to start afresh each day on the same journey of finding yourself.
      It’s a never-ending battle but, I can pretty much guarantee your a warrior, you are a lawyer after all!
      Fight your own battle within to conquer those demons & fight with me to overcome & fly free of the mind that keeps replaying the old movie.
      Start today/night, I am in Australia 🙂
      Just keep going & staying who you are because, your perfect, flaws & all! 🙂
      Some people live to old age but, stopped living, really living years before.
      I intend to live it all fully from here on in.
      The good, the bad & the ugly won’t stop me now. 🙂
      Life can be a giant amusement park so, you just have to learn which rides give you the best time.

      Love Always PR xoxo

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    • Thank you, PR, for all of your helpful comments to anonymous while I was sleeping. ❤

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  13. Paula, I read your post and I agree with it very much. I was in such a situation with my “evil little boy” that he made all seem my fault and nothing was his.

    As I said he used me for jealousy and told everyone he was unhappy with me and could not leave me because I might do something to myself but to my face he told me he was happy. So when I left I was painted as not being in my right mind and he is the victim and somehow unburden with a nutcase who was paranoid because still to this day he will not admit he cheated or even started to verbally abuse me.

    He also made me question any kind act I did and my intelligence because if I tried to help anyone or use my intellect I was trying to be “goody-two shoes”. This made me feel isolated and go more in denial that maybe I thought I was too good, so I hesitated often in doing anything to help and that is why I am in the predicament I am in now. It is via another outlet I first started to spread my wings that even now I can post here but it is obvious one effect I have is trust issues. I trust no one but close friends and family.

    I do not trust myself to trust anyone new because I am afraid to get hurt again. I even stated to you in an earlier post you do not have to trust me and I have no reason to trust you and as sad as it is because your site is helpful it is exactly how I feel. Trust is hard for me. How can I trust anyone when the person I trusted the most betrayed me and still does. I am still in many ways a victim and could loose my mind if it was not for having a strong support group. Yet, I stay stuck in trust issues and even now with just posting it creates fear in me but I push forward for it is form of therapy.

    Every victim is different there is no textbook. I am one who took the route to not look back but live in fear each time the phone rings, or a text comes in that I will get drawn back in because my problem is that I cannot believe it happen. At times I think that it is his past childhood that made him that way or if I love him different but after so many years I know this is not true so the only way I can avoid going back is say to myself it is not my fault, if I go back I am allowing him. So do I trust myself, yes to a certain degree but I do I trust men easily. NO.

    I come here and started posting so I can believe my own words. I come often and read over and over and say yes I am improving. I am no different than anyone else than I stay in no contact . My break away was three years in making and I am a former lawyer who specialized in domestic violence so it helps. Therefore, Paula I am a person who worked with those and in a way part of the groups you say do not understand the dynamics of narcissist/sociopaths but in truth it is not understanding but not dealing with it specifically or calling it domestic violence (this is how I could offer advice and build upon things you wrote). I was there helping people and still do but I failed to help myself. How do you think I feel? No one feels more stupid than me and that is how I can relate to Phoenix post.

    So no I did not leave like that but it was your post that pushed me over the edge. So I thank you for it and part of me feels bad that I stated I have no reason to trust you and wanted to clear that up but in order to heal I have to be me. I am trying to break free from clarifying myself because that is what my ex made me do for things he was at fault for and in the end I had to take the acceptance he did nothing wrong. This went on for years and years. My being a lawyer did not help either and made me more a mess for what should have made sense made no sense.

    I am the woman who everyone thinks has the perfect world but nothing is perfect. I am the woman who was in the position to protect others but failed to protect myself. I am a woman who question if she is still beautiful or talented. It meant everything to me when Phoenix called me a beautiful girl and I am by no means ugly but one of the effects that happen to me. I am also a woman who could have a six figure job but cannot function to work as I did before. A lot going on and no I do not feel comfortable posting it all but here I am still trying to be helpful but believes me it pulls at my pride and makes me feel vulnerable. It is not easy.

    So in truth all I have is a determination that I will not let anyone hurt me again. All I have is to be kind to others. All I have is not be judgmental, as we lawyers are taught nothing is valid until proven. Yet, in truth I lost the innocence of trust because I have been robbed of it. I keep hoping that my trying to make myself feel empowered will bring my trusting freely back but the truth of the matter I believe it is gone. I question everything and anyone not in my close circle. I am here because I might be out of my abuser cage but my wing is dragging the cage because I cannot trust as I did before.

    I truly believe I will never be a care free woman again and that is why even now I try to protect myself and there is a fear in me if I go on this way that I never will love a man again or create adequate new friendships. So I thank God I have friends and family now that have showed consistency for years or I would be completely isolated.

    If anything I do not question whose fault it is that hurt me but I do question over and over how did I let this happen to me. So yes for me it is question of allow always because I should have known better but I did not. I also question if I should help anyone because I could not help me and that is why I try to help others still to feel empowered that one day I can go back to my field of practice but do things right because now when I say I understand I really mean it as more than an empath but a person who lived the nightmare and perhaps always will if I cannot trust beyond my close circle again.

    Anon

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    • Hi Anon 🙂

      You just need to trust in YOU & never look outside of yourself again.
      You are trustworthy, honest & authentic & only the fear of others dishonesty will keep you trapped. Learn to trust only you & remember that everyone else has their moral code & whilst it may not be yours, trust that you will discern the ‘good people’ from the ‘bad people’. Actions, not words will match behaviors. If someone says something, make sure they prove it. If I say I will do something etc…I do. If I cannot, I say so & if I do something wrong, I make amends & never do it again. We take responsibility, we are accountable etc…look for those that backup their talk.
      Trust yourself only & always rely on you. You are your best friend & greatest love so, take good care of her 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

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    • Anonymous, I’ve read through all of the comments and back-and-forth with Phoenix. First, I’d like to emphasize that there is no need to apologize to me for anything you have honestly shared. You have no reason to trust me, right? I’m a stranger behind a blog, a person you have never looked solidly in the eye or touched. So not trusting me is a positive. It’s an indication that you have established some sort of boundary. Unfortunately, you also indicate that the trust you feel for yourself is limited. This limited trust is something that requires more of your attention, because like Phoenix mentions, trusting ourselves is the first step toward trusting the world and others. Without self-trust, we remain isolated, fearful and paralyzed. Would you agree that you are all of those things?

      As for the shame you feel related to “knowing better” and not being able to help yourself despite offering assistance to others, this is the shame we all carry and must release. A few years prior to becoming involved with the sociopath in my story, I worked as an education program director in a community corrections facility. I mentored and coached at-risk adults (felons and ex-felons) transitioning back into the community following periods of incarceration. After experiencing many con artists first-hand, I thought I was well-protected and that no one could fool me moving forward. I thought I was immune to the games; I also thought the people who play these games just needed a little extra care and guidance and to know that they were loved. After all, most of the convicts I worked with refused to trust me in the beginning but after weeks and months learned and realized that I wasn’t the enemy and that I truly had their best interest at heart. I wanted to help them succeed for the sole purpose of watching them succeed and the community they were moving into succeed. I had no ulterior motives.

      So imagine the struggles I experienced in the aftermath of the sociopath’s abuse coming to terms with me being victimized. I flat out refused to believe I was a victim. But then I started having memory recalls and started putting together pieces of the puzzle and going back to things he did and said to me and about me and about my family and my son and my friends and my abilities. While I dissected the relationship, I also dissected myself. I believe that in order to truly and completely heal and move forward, we must deconstruct ourselves completely to get to the heart of our motivations and core beliefs.

      On top of that, while dissecting the relationship and my history, I also practiced and learned more patience with myself not even realizing that’s what I was doing. I wrote and practiced yoga and dedicated time and energy to helping others through my blog. Reading and listening to the stories of others reinforced the value of patience, self-care and self-love, because none of us are perfect or act perfectly 100% of the time. However, those of us with a conscience and the abilities for affective empathize and remorse, don’t like when we behave badly. We feel shame for behaving badly. Unfortunately, we also think wearing the badge of shame forever is a just punishment. I realized that punishing myself for reacting justly to injustices inflicted against me is ludicrous, and my family and friends deserve better. Otherwise, what is the point in living if I move through life being ashamed of myself for every stupid mistake I have ever made?

      I dissect my mistakes, investigated why I allowed my morals to slip, rebuild my foundation through patience, loving kindness and self-love. This brings me peace and a joyfulness to keep living and experiencing the wonders this life has to offer as long as we are open to them.

      And you are truly caught up on him calling you a “goody two shoes.” You repeated his accusation to you in comments no less than 4 times last evening. Why? Because you are ashamed of your morals or because you are ashamed of having morals when others do not? Maybe what should be so concerning is the fact he would try using your moral code against you to shame you. It’s preposterous. My ex liked saying things like, “Having a college degree is overrated. My life experience is much more valuable to me than any degree.” He said this because he didn’t have a college degree and I had two. He said it to devalue me and to increase his ego…to convince himself, not me, that he was above others. Well, a college degree IS valuable and it IS important. I refuse to allow a person to diminish my hard work and investment simply because they lack the resolve to work hard and invest in themselves. And the same with your ex…why would you allow his lack of being good shame you with his careless “goody two shoes” label? You shouldn’t because you ARE good and there is no shame in honoring your spirit.

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  14. Right on target as always! I read all your notifications a a daily reminder to who I am and what I must never be involved with again…ever! God Bless.

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  15. Excellent Post Paula & Bang On As Usual. 🙂
    I recently received a caustic response from the Soc’s new target that I tried to warn.
    As I had recently freed two others from his web, I thought the 3rd victim was also seeing the truth of his life. Unfortunately he did the ‘treacle’ on her & as she is new to his games, I inadvertently probably made her ‘feel sorry’ for him.
    I saw her lash back at me as, I once did the same when my warning was given but, it came too late & I was caught in his web as is his latest ‘fly’.

    Anyhoo, I learned from all of the experience that no matter what, the Sociopath with continue to wreak havoc on those who cross his path. He will roam the earth searching for his fill but, it is a never-ending quest.
    Whereas we survivors get to live the ‘awareness’ of life & truly appreciate our existence.
    We don’t linger in the ‘shallows’, we dive into the deep water that is us & find the real reason for existence. We get to live in the ‘now’ & we get gratefulness, atonement & we ‘get’ love.
    We ‘Get It’.
    The whole reason for being etc…& this is something that the Sociopath will never do, have or find. You cannot find depth in the shallows!

    Love & Light PR xoxo 🙂

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  16. Bloody brilliant post!!!!…… read and cherished in Blighty! So spot on Paula! Have lived the whole blog u just published almost line by line!

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  17. Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
    “Sociopaths jump on the “victim bandwagon” long before their victims figure out they are victims.” ~ Paula’s Pontifications

    Liked by 1 person

  18. the sad and funny part was she would always say to me my friends hate you! And I do I say back your friends don’t even know me and they didn’t!so of course it was everything that she told them which were big lies and I am the monster haha

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    • They are so despicable! The triangulation they successfully accomplish is shameful. It’s one of the reasons why I refuse to participate in any type of gossip moving forward. It’s one thing to compare notes with mutual acquaintances who are interested in understanding a person’s motives; it’s quite another to willingly participate in bashing a person we don’t know. And sociopaths always justify their gossip as feigned concern for the well-being of the person they are talking about. Yuck!

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  19. I am truly amazed every time I read your post Paula they’re so dead on and I get something out of everyone you understand!.

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  20. I want to send this to my husband’s ex-wife. She has done, and continues to, make herself into a victim, especially in regards to me. She has cast me as the evil, cruel, intimidating monster of her life. Sure. I wonder how monster-like I am when I am the one sitting in the “Welcome Back to school Night” for her daughter, because she (in her own words) just felt “like passing on it”.

    this was a great post, Paula. And, sadly, a current part of my life.

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    • I’m sorry you are dealing with this nonsense, Kim. But I’m more than certain that people who know you and tolerate her know who is the one trying to fool the masses. 🙂

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    • I understand this completely but my ex did this to me. Not only was I accused of being an emotional wreck that would commit suicide so he could not leave me but he told others I hated them and felt I was the best he every had. I did not even know who these people were. All I had were signs like seeing him on a sex site or text in the night time etc. but he always explained it away. No one came forward to me until the last few years of our relationship and I was in denial, which helped his lie even more because I started acting emotional and when I started to break free from the denial to get the truth I was looking like a stalker or having control issues of which he told others because I started checking his phone and calling places of hotel and restaurant receipts I found. I fell in his trap, and this is why I left our social circle because staying around meant living the shame of labels that I should not have had in the first place.

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