Twenty three years ago when I was 19, I met a female sociopath, but I had no idea she was a sociopath.

It was the summer following my freshman year in college. I had just started dating a local boy who I had met on campus in the spring. I liked him. He was from the same rural, Appalachian area where I was raised. We enjoyed the outdoors, music, books, movies, hiking, biking…you name it, we had it in common.

About a week or two into the “official” start of the romance, he received a call from a girl he had known since high school. She told him she was pregnant, said the unborn child was his, and asked for money because she wanted an abortion.

My gut sank.

He explained that they went to high school together, had never dated, but had been friends for years. He said she had recently ended a tempestuous relationship with an older guy and that he had gotten together with her several weeks prior to talk about her break up, and one thing led to another.

I wasn’t jealous or offended. I mostly felt sorry for her. It seems this older guy had really hurt her and she was devastated. She and my now boyfriend made an unfortunate mistake in judgment and choices had to be made. Besides, up until a few days before receiving the news of her pregnancy, there was not a commitment between him and me.

I supported his decision to give her money for the abortion, but it gave me pause. I thought a lot about what that decision meant. But because I was so young at the time with my own recent history of dating shit to get sorted, I did not spend an extensive amount of energy contemplating her situation nor did I judge her. I actually suggested we all get together sometime in the near future.

A few days after her scheduled abortion, my boyfriend confided that he did not believe that the baby was his, but that he agreed to help her because no one else was stepping in to support her. I was a bit astonished that he would have suggested she lied. I didn’t want to believe someone would be that manipulative and deceitful.

Then I met her.

Wow, I thought to myself, what in the hell was my boyfriend thinking?! She was a total snob, not athletic, not healthy looking, and all she did was talk about everyone! She seemed uncomfortable around me, like she feared I was going to bite her or something. I’d ask her questions about herself, and she’d just stare off behind me. And when I tried to talk to her about me, she’d stare off behind me. I was confused. Couldn’t figure out this girl. Didn’t she realize that I didn’t care that she had had a fling with my boyfriend before he was my boyfriend and that I was genuinely interested in being her friend?

During the few years I dated this boy, we had many “adventures” with this girl.

>> She seduced our friends who happened to be a married couple (yes, she fucked them both); she preferred the male; the marriage ended; she was hot and intense with our friend in the beginning; she got cold and distant; they broke up.

>> We introduced her to a single male friend of ours; they were hot and intense in the beginning; they moved in together; there were lots of intense fights; she got cold and distant; they broke up.

>> My boyfriend and I moved in with her. She was hot and cold. I couldn’t stand being in what seemed like her lair, her nest. My relationship with my boyfriend experienced serious road blocks and obstacles. My boyfriend and I broke up but remained friends.

And remaining friends was easy. We lived in a small, mountain, college town. He worked at the book store, my favorite place to go, and she remained in the same apartment, her nest above the chocolate shop.

I’d see her occasionally walking or at a local bar. I’d make frequent attempts to communicate with her. She always seemed to be trying really hard to be seductive with me. We’d be sitting at the bar having a beer, and she’d lean in really close, touch my cheek with her hair, rub her thighs close to mine. Her tits seemed to like resting close to my arms.

I was unmoved. I was not interested or attracted to her. Why would she think I was? Because I was friends with women who had been “intimate” with her? Could that be why she thought I was another easy seduction?

After her overt advances failed, she resorted to dismissing my sexuality. She’d make comments about me having no shape, having no breasts, and having no sex appeal. She commented on my clothes and the way I wore my hair or didn’t wear my hair. How I didn’t smell like a woman that men would find attractive.

I listened to her mostly unaffected, but I boiled inside whenever I saw her, because as much as she thought she was sexy and attractive, all I saw was a demon. All I saw was a sad and lonely woman who needed to minimize me to feel better about herself. At the time, I didn’t know about sociopaths or personality disorders. I just knew that I was in the presence of something that was not good. Nothing about her was good to me.

About 6 months after my breakup with my boyfriend, we got together one afternoon and he asked about getting back together. I was thrilled! I loved this guy. He was one of the best people I had ever met in my life up to that point.

I said, “Yes, I’d like to be together again.”

He seemed pleased with my answer but then a look of shame came over him. He said, “Before we go any further, I must confess something to you, Paula. Remember the weekend you went away for your sister’s wedding while we were living with Ruby?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Well, Ruby and I were together,” he confessed.

My heart sank.

“Together? What do you mean?,” I asked knowing full well what he meant.

He shared all of the details and how it happened and where specifically in the apartment it happened.

I wanted to run and throw up. I wanted to understand why he did it and why she did it. Why did they betray me?

He talked; I listened. I cried; he cried. He held me; I held him.

I was finding it hard to forgive him. I decided to confront her and compare stories. So I called her that night and arranged to meet her in her “nest” the next day.

What a mistake. Why did I even bother.

When I asked her if it was true, she matter-of-factly nodded and shrugged. She sat in her sofa with this air of superiority over me, like I shouldn’t have been surprised that my boyfriend would seek satisfaction from a “real” womanly woman outside our relationship.

Not once did she say, “I’m sorry, Paula. I know it was wrong.”

Not once! Not even a spark of regret did I detect.

Instead, she seemed to find joy in my sorrow. She seemed to be gleeful that I had experienced this ugly betrayal.

I left her apartment, her lair, feeling dirty and disgusted. Within 6 months, the relationship with my boyfriend ended again. It could never be healed from the many fissures and cracks created as a result of the influence of the sociopath who slithered in and destroyed the innocence of young love.

Today, the sociopath remains in the same apartment. She continues to nest. She continues to exist. But unlike 20 years ago when her youth disguised the ugliness within, she looks as unattractive as her dark heart and soul, burning just beneath the surface.

Namaste!
~Paula

(I might receive some serious shit from folks who personally know me for sharing this story, but I really don’t care anymore. It’s time it was told.)

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, Emotional Abuse, Forgiveness, Friends, Lessons, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Psychopaths, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Sociopaths, young love
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Join the conversation! 18 Comments

  1. Wow. I have seen that “gleeful” look. That description your engagement with her gave me flashbacks to past circumstances I experienced. I think the consummation of the emotional, mental, and spiritual rape if you will, on their part, takes place when they have the opportunity to witness you in pain. Pain and power lights up the neurons in their brain the way loving and being loved lights up people who are not sick. Either that I think or they brain has evolved to treat people the way people treat insects that invade their homes. Just a blank response to your pain and your presence as a general nuisance. It’s almost like the second best experience for sociopaths to securing what they want successfully, whatever that is, is seeing the outcome of pain reflected on people they levy torture against. I hope the next evolution of humanity takes a different turn as this human condition the world has been running from has been the theme of war, sadness, and destruction on this earth for quite sometime.

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  2. I know THAT LOOK you speak of, happiness because of whatever they did has almost mortally wounded another. What I still can not understand, and have quit trying, is why would one have a personal satisfaction in inflicting this pain on someone else?

    NIBSIH.

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    • Because they have zero conscience! None. That is the ONLY explanation. 😦

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    • I understand the concept, but the why. Is the mode of survival just so animalistic, eat or be eaten? Or is it just sport for some? The game, like a cat playing with it’s mouse before they eat it.

      Reason, I tolerate NS, we have children. He is a mixture of both. Regardless it’s all disturbing, THAT LOOK, is making my head hurt, I’ve seen it one too many times.

      Great post, I too have been you, almost same situation. I think back now, what a favor the NS did for me, as she thought she was getting the upper hand. I always walked away. Jealousy, not my thing.

      NIBSIH.

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    • Deep emotions are considered foreign weaknesses to these people, so when someone reacts to them with a deep emotion, they feel superior. That’s where the smirk comes from. And jealousy is THEIR thing, too. If they can move us to be jealous, they see that as a victory, too. 😦

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    • Oh Lord, this is the question that goes round and round in my head. I fear I will never get an answer to this.

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    • Do not search for answers, search for peace, I wish you well.

      NIBSIH. 😘

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  3. So sad what a predator like that can do to unsuspecting young innocent people like you and your then boyfriend, Paula. There is so little awareness about this subject, and young people are especially vulnerable to their abuse since they commonly assume everyone has a conscience. I just wish your story could get out to those who have never yet been affected by a sociopath – but unfortunately, only those who have been bitten by the fangs of the sociopath come to websites like this to get help in dealing with their pain. So even though we’re all preaching to the choir here, so to speak, your personal story, and each of ours’, help to validate what we have each endured in our own encounters with the sociopath(s) who damaged us. Wish there was a way to forewarn those that are in the path of a sociopath before they themselves become victims, but they wouldn’t heed our warning anyway. It’s one of those things in life that you have to experience for yourself to really understand and grasp the danger. Sadly, we can’t save anyone from becoming a victim, we can only be there to help them deal with the aftermath and understand what happened to them. Life is so nice and sweet when you are naive and oblivious to such disordered types. My life has never been the same since I was victimized by my sister and came to realize what she is. It really has changed my outlook on life and the trust I used to have in people. I can never have my only sister in my life again. It’s a loss worse than death really, because she still lives on and continues to abuse me and her other victims behind our backs. At least when someone dies they are truly gone. Thanks for sharing your sad story, Paula. I think we all (on this blog) understand the pain and betrayal you felt, and still feel from her predatory behavior. Those deep wounds take away our innocence and stay with us for life. Funny thing is, the sociopath never loses a night’s sleep over the pain they inflict on us or others. I’m not religious and don’t really believe in heaven or hell, but I really do hope there is a hell for people like them. That is the only hope for justice we victims will ever get.

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    • Thank you, Middlechild. It’s true. Prevention only works for those who have already experienced and processed such a betrayal and abuse at least once. Personally, I spent far too many minutes, hours, days, months and even years trying to understand this person and giving her the benefit of the doubt. That’s what we all do until we are pressed against the glass with nowhere else to go but back to our first conclusion…she sucks! Period. And I don’t have to like her, be nice to her, or consider her feelings anymore. I spent a more than adequate amount of time and reflection trying to like her and find something redeeming in her as a person. Nothing. She’s got nothing. Is that a judgment? No. That’s a fact, but it’s a fact few are ready to accept until they go through a similar hell and reflection process.

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  4. I agree with Kim~ it’s time for the abused to stop whispering!!

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  5. What justice/karma that her outside reflects her inside.

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  6. Paula, thank you for sharing this part of your life. Stories like this do need to be told, in order to illustrate the depth of evil these soul vampires will go. I am so sorry this happened to you. Do you know what ever happened to the boy you were dating? I would be interested to know if he ended up with another sociopath or if she managed to destroy more of his relationships.
    Hugs
    Thanks for your honesty and to hell with what other people think, it is that silence that perpetuates the problem.

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  7. YOu know what, Paula, you are right- some stories need to be told. I am tired of so many whispering or shouting that we should be silent, that our words may cause suffering. My approach has been that if my heart is truly in the right place and I sense a need for a story or a picture, then I post it. We never know where the ripples of our words/images may lead. It takes a lot of faith to trust that our words and work will do some good. I am glad you wrote this.

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  8. […] Visit site: “Raped” by a Female Sociopath | Paula's Pontifications […]

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