Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissists are not mentally ill. They are not sick. On the contrary, these individuals are disordered. Disorders can’t be treated with therapy, medication, or other treatments. Sociopaths can’t be made non-disordered.

Sociopathy is a disorder, a condition, a state of being. To the sociopath, their state of being is natural–controlling others, manipulating every situation, pretending to be good and just, mirroring the behaviors of those they covet and want to become–these behaviors are their normal.

Their state of normal behavior is abnormal to the rest of us, the non-disordered. We do not seek or find pleasure and satisfaction in controlling others. We do not enjoy manipulating people to like us. We do not like being fake or insincere. We find grandiose gestures of importance in others repulsive. We are always questioning if we are being true to ourselves and if we are being fair to those we love. We are accountable.

Sociopaths are not accountable. Sociopaths do not care how they affect others as long as others do not question them. The sociopath abhors when we, the non-disordered, refuse to be controlled and manipulated and start asking questions like, “Why did you do that? It doesn’t seem right or natural.” When asked these questions, the sociopath’s disordered “balance” becomes imbalanced. When out-of-balance, the sociopath’s mask slips, he rages, he projects, he shames and blames. More importantly, when we start asking our questions, that’s when the sociopath immediately labels us mentally ill and sick. The sociopath’s default is to demean, minimize, and unfairly dismiss all of our questions instead of considering our criticism and looking within themselves for the answers.

(Perhaps sociopaths do peek at the answer inside of them and sharing the answer frightens the sociopath too much. The answer is so base and primordial. Sociopaths do not want that label! The answer to any questions is always, “Because I don’t care. That’s why I say and do those things.” Answering us in such a way would result in exactly what the sociopath fears the most: abandonment and excommunication.)

Remember this. Only a disordered person will have as their default the need to label you as sick or ill just for questioning and refusing to be oppressed.

Non-disordered and non-mentally ill people do not do that.

Instead, when our behavior is questioned, we immediately feel shame and engage our empathy to understand how we hurt someone, how we can fix it so we don’t hurt them again, and then, despite changing, continue to carry around the guilt and shame.

This is a deadly trait when in a relationship with a sociopath. We know this to be true, because we repeatedly adjusted and changed our behavior and personality to fit into the disordered world of the sociopath’s. The longer we stayed, the more we became and behaved like the sociopath and the more our shame grew and festered.

To undo this insidious assault on our natural state of being takes time and the strength to accept that we did what we did and behaved as we behaved while under the sociopath’s spell because we truly believed we were changing in order to please the one we loved. We truly believed we were somehow sick, ill, and disordered.

We weren’t. We aren’t. And we can undo the damage as long as we learn to let go of the shame and blame that keeps us from reaching our joy. Letting go of that unnatural shame and blame is necessary, but it’s a frightening prospect. Once we release it, however, we soon realize that the shame we were holding onto in relationship to the sociopath was misguided shame and blame, and our body, mind, and spirit are not and have never been served by holding onto it.

Let go of the misguided shame. Keep telling yourself it is misguided and is only holding you back and keeping you from experiencing true joy and true happiness.


abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths
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Join the conversation! 20 Comments

  1. I have just recently started picking up the pieces in my life after a sociopath spearheaded though it. It shames me to say that I saw multiple signs that this person was horrible, but there was always an excuse for it. Either from her or from myself. This person had to set fire to my other friends lives for me to even see the ashes she left in my own. When I called her out on it she immediately turned into the victim and used several insecurities i had talked about with her in the past against me to make me question my own judgement. She started to paint me as a crazy jealous villain and her the abused and confused friend. She Literally called me a villain. This was after over a year of alienating me from friends, trying to sabotaging my success, leeching off me when she could, making me feel so crazy and insecure that I almost had to go back on meds I have not had to take in years and ruining two of my relationships (one long time friendship and one romantic). The worse thing about this whole situation is that while now months after I had decided to go full no contact and finally secure enough in my thoughts and emotions to know what had happened, I am powerless to stop her from clawing the life and sanity out of my friends. It hurts so much to know that I have distanced myself and no longer a willing target to her crazy making but to have to watch all these people I care about be turned inside out emotionally because of her need to selfishly dominate people in whatever way she can.


    • I can totally relate, Jessica. There is nothing you can do to save those who are choosing to remain in her toxic sphere of influence. You must take care of yourself and nurture yourself back to a place of emotional and spiritual balance, so when those friends do realize what’s happening, you are there for them. It may take years!! But some of them WILL eventually come to you. You obviously understand and see this person for what she is and you know she is not capable of changing. Why would she want to change considering she keeps getting what she wants and successfully destroys and discards those (you) who have the audacity to challenge her? (How DARE you challenge her!!??? :) ) So remain focused on you and new and amazing people will come into your life with each new and amazing transformational step you take. Namaste! ~Paula


  2. Sometimes you write in such a manner, I wonder if you have a window into my life. I find your words to be a ballast so I don’t tumble over in the dynamic of dealing with the narcissist in my life. I will remember the word of “disorder” and that to these individuals their behavior is “normal’, so “normal” in fact they have no need to change.


    • It’s so easy for us to forget that these people see absolutely nothing wrong with how they interact with others. They vibrate degrees below those of us who are highly intuitive, so it’s no wonder they dismiss our direct frustrations with them; their frustrations with us are equally and innately justifiable…to them! That’s why our only alternative is not to engage or limit our engagement with total detachment and awareness of their motives. Not only are we tasked with being aware of ourselves, we must be aware of them in order to maintain our balance and not react emotionally to their obvious disorder. :)


  3. I wish I could make all the people I used to like in my life read this and think through what happened – why they dont relate to me anymore and to see that its not me who is the crazy person but the narcissist and his sidekicks – I would give almost anything for maybe one single person to tell me they see it – because the longer it goes that this is the accepted reality the more real that unquestioned allusion becomes – time in a sense – sets it in stone…


    • last night after reading this I watched a documentary on telly:

      The Lance Armstrong Story

      OMG – it is such a good portrait of a narcissistic sociopath – showing all aspects of what we have endured – it left me in a mess via multiple triggers but also thankful to have seen it all happen in a context that was objectively accessible – I was take in by him too – was a fan and would defend him to sceptics – I remember all this happening just did not see it in the same way all my ex friends don’t see it even now…

      I would encourage people to watch it… if you are in the UK you can see it via this link..


    • He’s a GREAT example! I’ve written about him in the past on this blog. Thank you for the link to the story. Can’t wait to watch it.


  4. Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
    I am certainly not taking the blame for *Steve’s actions.


  5. So flawlessly done Paula! May everyone read these words!


  6. Another informative post, thank you so much Paula!!


  7. I actually got a confession out of my Sociopath. I asked him how could he have lived a double life for soooo long amd not think about his wife and soon to be child? He got his mistress pregnant a months before he got me, his wife, pregnant. We were trying for children for 10 years and during those years he has had numerous affairs and it boggles my mind how he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong! He is currently living with his gf and baby boy. He left me when I was pregnant. Said he needed space and felt depressed and felt we no longer had anything in common and he didn’t feel in love with me anymore. Well he was visiting his daughter, she is 8 months now, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I said how could he do this? I was pregnant and placed on bedrest and he was no where to be found. He already started his new life and disgarded us. He said to me that “he fucked up and is trying to make things better”. I was shocked but then he went into playing victim again. Ah well. At least I got that.


    • I’m so sorry you and your child were abandoned, but it will be better for you than the GF in the end. And by saying he fucked up and is working on fixing things, that’s really not a confession, at least not a confession of his wrong doing against you. For all we know, he’s simply focusing on the fact that he effed up his ability to get away with being a cheating loser. He’s trying to fix it so people don’t think he’s still a cheating loser, so he can go back to being a cheating loser. :)


  8. It seems to take the victim a long time to finally accept that it is the Narcissist/sociopath is the sick one, we are so quick to look at ourselves for fault and that is the number one sign that you AREN’T the sick one. Jim the fact that you are concerned about being narcissistic tells me that you are not NPD! They never think they are flawed and if they did would never admit to it. Believe me you are not the sick one!
    Everyone has some narcissistic traits, we have to in order to be healthy. If we had no narcissistic traits we would be door mats with absolutely no self esteem and never accomplish anything. There is a healthy level of narcissism, and it is combined with empathy\ and a conscience.
    I know it is scary because we say that the N doesn’t know he is an N, so how would we know? The fact that we turn ourselves inside out trying to please our partner, are willing to look at our actions, are willing to compromise to our detriment…. so many things that an N would never do.
    Great post Paula.


  9. For months my my ex friend-to-be manipulated, deceived and strung me along. She could not understand the pain that finally compelled me to tell her I thought she had NPD, She said I was projecting. In all my reading about the disorder before and since, I have recognized some of those NPD traits in myself. Today I am much more cognizant of my insecurities that manifest in those traits. I try to be self-aware and think I am empathetic of others, but still can’t shake the idea that she was right and I am “somehow sick, ill, and disordered.” Any ideas or suggestions for additional readings? Thank you for a very insightful post!


    • Wow, Jim. You truly do not have anything to worry about when it comes to being sick or mentally ill or disordered, for that matter. However, you’ve journeyed into a beautiful place of self-discovery and deeper self-awareness. My suggestion to you is to consider pursuing or looking into a passion you’ve been considering but too hesitant to dive into. Keep a journal of behaviors you don’t like or that you want to change. There is no going back to living an unexamined life. Embrace that. :)


  10. so dead on I get so frustrated trying to explain psychos usually you need 2 hours and would you say the word crazy or psycho people just think that’s a figure of speech beach oh yeah I understand you get frustrated because you know they don’t understand


  11. Reblogged this on Madeline Scribes and commented:
    Finally! I have tried to explain this before and could not make my point. This explains it perfectly. I’ve said many times, these people aren’t born with a conscience. And you can not grow one. These people are not mentally ill. It’s just the way they are and they can’t be fixed.


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