First, don’t feel ashamed for breaking No Contact. Almost all of us do it. I did it three times after I escaped. It’s almost like a necessary rite of passage to break NC just to prove we aren’t being too hasty with our decision to rid our lives of these jerks.

(Just don’t go out of your way to break NC.)

If you do break NC and discover the existence of the other woman (or other man), be cautious and control your desire to tell the OW/OM everything, especially if the OW/OM is still with the sociopath.

Sociopaths thrive on pitting people against each other in order to divert attention and anger away from the sociopath…where it truly belongs and is deserved.

If the sociopath is able to triangulate his supply against each other, his supply projects all of the anger that should be directed at the sociopath onto each other.

Victims fight against each other, which creates the drama upon which the sociopath thrives. If his supply is preoccupied with hurting and blaming each other, the sociopath escapes scrutiny and accountability, while appearing like a savior AND a victim.

(How convenient!!)

Be satisfied that the OW/OM knows you exist. That’s plenty of help in itself, because the seed of doubt has been planted. It’s up to the OW/OM to germinate that seed, not you.

As for the sociopath retaliating directly if you do reach out to the OW/OM, it’s likely but not probable, especially if the sociopath can convince the OW/OM you’re nuts.

Let the sociopath do whatever the sociopath desires.

If he can’t convince the OW/OM that you’re nuts, the sociopath will try convincing everyone that you’re both crazy.

(After all, he IS the victim, remember?)

Again, resist the urge to defend yourself and your reputation. Just let the sociopath do whatever he desires. (Outside of a court setting, of course.)

Why?

Non-sociopaths simply can’t beat these fools at the destructive games they play, because non-sociopaths are not destructive people.

The truth behind the sociopath’s lies and manipulations always surfaces in time.

Besides, if you try to be like a sociopath and play the sociopath’s game, you will only break your spirit more. Take it from me, someone who learned that lesson the hard way. 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

Category:
abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Lessons, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 15 Comments

  1. Just found out that while I was visiting my 85 yr old mom (previous post) my socio sister must have rifled through my mom’s document bag (while my mom and I were out to dinner) most likely to take something out that she didn’t want me to see. What could she be up to?? I’m thinking she’s been up to a little document tampering. The Will, Annuities, Insurance policies, bank account info, house sale documents, etc. – all my mom’s important papers – are kept in the bag. During my visit last month, we siblings all met at Mom’s apartment one night because she wanted to distribute some valuables to us. My sister called the next morning telling my mom her watch had fallen off while she was waiting for us outside the assisted living residence the night before. She has a key to my mom’s apartment, so can (and normally does) let herself in. Anyway, a month later my sister is rifling through my mom’s document bag (again) and lo and behold, finds her watch in the bag!! And she swears she has “NO IDEA” how it could have possibly gotten in there!! Hmmm…how could that be??? What a mystery!! Apparently she doesn’t want my mom to know she snuck into her apartment and grabbed something out of that bag while we were out!! Sneaky bitch. And the part that really gets me is that my mom BELIEVES her and trusts her 100%!!! My sister has sole control of my mom’s finances and keeps everything secret from the rest of us. It is so hard to understand my mom’s utter blindness to my socio sister. Arrrgggg….no matter how hard I try I’ll just never get it!! Naming her as my parents’ executor was the worst curse they could have cast on our family. And I’m the only one that truly understands what she is, and what we are dealing with. The rest of them are like lambs to the slaughter.

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    • Yes. They can fool everyone with their lies, manipulations, and agendas. Only when society changes it’s perception of what is normal and accepted behavior, will these fools sink in their quicksand! In the mean time, the rest of us must focus on living authentically and let the narcs and sociopaths take what they think has meaning…money, valuables, titles, status.

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  2. Wow, this hit home today, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!!

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  3. And paula,Ive noticed how into yoga you are. My neurologist was trained by baron baptiste and started a yoga for ms class….she is so passionate about yoga,she got a grant from the national multiple sclerosis foundation to pay for an unheated space and the yoga classes are free to anyone with ms. Ive gone several times,but i get more zen out of pilates and dance. You would love her.

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  4. SaCkingPaula,ive asked friends for help with gas money,etc…..i am over 10grand in debt…..i have no family to help,and certainly no friends that have 10gs lying around. This debt is d/t the corporate sociopath,and the ex fiance sociopath,who bailed 4 months after i lost my job….which is when i really fell behind…as we split the bills,and stupidly i thought we were a “we” and not a “him”…..my dog needs more than food. He is ill,i cant,for the first time in my life,afford to take him to the vet….he is 13 and everyone is telling me to put him down. My vet wont take a volunteer in place of his healthcare. I have done bartering as much as i can. Ive gone without food im so broke. And i did nothing wrong to get in this place! I fought to work….legally proved the sociopaths wrong a year ago,and they had to put me back on the schedule….than they sociopathed me again….and i wasso exhsusted from living with a spath,and fighting with spaths to work….i took no legal recourse…..and naturally..my ex spath bailed on me 4 months later! When i met the parasite,he was sleeping on xwife number one’s couch,while going through a divorce eith xwife number 2. I had just lost my mother,i came home from work one day,and he was here,moving in!!? I was grieving my mother so much….i just kinda went with it. So i got him off a couch,only to have him bail and move in with a guy roomate,in a beautiful beachfront home….and here i am….struggling financially daily!?!? How does the universe allow for such unjust?????? So,ive done all the begging and bartering i can do. I got duped. Period. Just typing it….makes me want to kick all of these sick spaths in the teeth. So,im going to the vet today,to tell him my dog has a severe skin infection,i cant afford to get carefor him,i cant afford flea and heartworm meds,he is 13,and should i put him down. As i said,i called a soft coated wheaten terrier rescue and was told noone will take a 13 year old wheaten with health problems. Im in fucking disbelief ofthe unjust of this life!!!!!!!!!! How? Why? I wake up most days thinking whats the point of this life? I run into obstacle after obstacle daily. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 2 months before my mom died. No biggie,i felt great. Than a year after the devil moved in,i felt the ms….but i am tuff….i didnt let it get me down. I couldnt distance run anymore,so i started pilates and even got certified to instruct….i was a dancer,so i started adult ballet classes…i hada bout of breast cancer….went to pilates the day after surgery. Ive made the best of things.but when i illegally lost my job,and the devil bailed….the color went out of my spirit. And all i do is juggle ways to pay the bills,eat,go to the stupid doc,etc…..its a hamster wheel,and i want off. And no,i cant give 5bucks a month to medical bills….we live in a dfferent world now. Ive got bills turned over to attnys that want to sue me,i dont give ten shits about the ex spath….i give a shit that i cant seem to rebuild my life after the spath left…..which makes it hard for me to build my self worth up after being duped. How does this get to be allowed to happen to someone? My life,my credit,everthing was fine before he preyed on a grieving girl. Grieving my mother,and the dx of ms and breast cancer….was a treat compared to this bullshit!

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    • Zoey, none of this should be happening to you considering most people consider themselves to be good and caring. I think most people are fearful to help directly and are full of shit and fear. Fearful about upsetting the apple cart and destroying the status quo. Money, money, money is the business of sociopaths. Getting more and acquiring more (far more than one person needs to survive) is the goal. If someone has more than he/she needs, it means someone else is going without the basics. Like you…like so many of us in the early stages of recovery. I’ve been working on a plan to raise money, funding, for those in dire need. You are in dire need. Will you private message me? Paula.carrasquillo@me.com?

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  5. Paula,this really isnt the correct blog for me to commenting on….but ive got to vent before i smash his face in….I want to know,how everyone gets out of the financial ruin they got in by a. A corporate sociopath and b. My xfiance sociopath. Im gonna lose it! Everyday is financial stress. No money for food,for gas,barely keeping a roof over my head. I cant even pray. I feel totally hopeless,its so twilight zone that this is my life now. Its not getting better,financially. Im afraid im going to end up living in a tent. And i was a very simple person before my life became the twilight zone….didnt need much. Now i cant even afford the daily things. I cant even afford to care for my dog properly. Eveeytime i look at him,i want to off myself. A rescue place cant take him….how in the world,is there a reason….to keep on keeping on? This isnt living. It isnt. Period.

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    • Zoey, I had to consolidate, sell things, ask for loans from friends and family, and beg on occasion. Being financially dependent sucks!! But if you are willing to let go of all shame and ego and ask for help, you’ll begin to crawl out if your financial hole. It’s not in our nature to burden others with this shit, but there comes a time when you must! Can you volunteer at a shelter in exchange for food for your dog? Really. Have you considered bartering? You might be surprised how many organizations are open to it if you have the skills and knowledge they need. And volunteer work can lead to actually jobs, full time or part time.

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  6. yet, another great, wise posting! You are right- breaking NC can almost be seen as a right of passage. However, we should not escalate things but trying to tell the OW/OM everything. As you point out, that only leads easily to triangulation. You are always so aware of the hidden dynamics in all of this. Thank you for these timely reminders.

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  7. Paula, thanks for your timely post about breaking “no contact”. I have been NC with my socio sister for about 5 yrs now, and due to that, have missed my mom’s birthday celebrations starting with her 80th. This weekend is my mom’s 85th birthday and I have decided (after a lot of thought) to attend, since there may not be too many more at her age. My brother is having it at his house this year and he and his wife assured me they would insulate me from any venom coming from my sister, so I thought I’d give it a try and attend this one. I am concerned with what “socio sis” may come up with to further taint my reputation and poison my relationships with my other family members. Just by virtue of my being there, she can make up pretty much any lie she deems plausible in getting everyone rallied against me. She can claim I said something insulting to her to get my mom’s sympathy. Or she can claim I stole something from her purse. You get the idea…the sky’s the limit. And whatever she concocts, my mom will believe her 100%. So I feel it is a risk, but she really can’t hurt me any more than she already has. But there’s also the uncomfortable feeling of wondering what lies other family members have already been told about me, my husband and family. They usually won’t come up and ask you in order to verify if some ugly thing said against you is true or not. So we just have to assume that when one of them acts distant and rude, that it is probably some ugly fabrication they heard from her. One of my brothers is her blind disciple, but the other brother has her number just like I do. So, should be interesting. I plan on treating her like she’s invisible and hope I can just stay far enough away from her to not be victimized again. But she is a pretty good actress…she can cry ( I mean sob!!) on queue and put on a pretty convincing show. She loves to stage scenes where she feigns insult and/or injury, plays the victim and runs off by herself, then later gets my mom’s sympathy and attention. So should provide for some interesting dysfunctional family drama…

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    • Oh my goodness, Middlechild, that sister of yours is a specimen, huh? Hehe! I am certain if she is making these scenes as a grown woman, most people just tolerate her. It’s as if you have the female version of Oscar Pistorius for a sister!! I’m glad you have your brother to share a few eye rolls with over the course of the celebration. You’re in my thoughts. But I sense you’ll hold it together very well. 🙂

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    • Well, I went to my mom’s 85th birthday party and survived!!! Socio sister and her new “boy”friend (more like crusty old man) arrived just about the same time my husband and I did. Once inside, she held her hand out and introduced HERSELF to me and my husband. We shook hands with her like we were strangers, which I guess at this point we are. She then introduced new “boy”friend to us. So that was the only interaction we had with her and we managed to get lost in the crowd for the remainder of the party. No drama to speak of…except that my one brother (her minion) cornered me and asked me about an old family photo I had posted on Facebook a few weeks prior. He said – “I saw that family picture you posted on FB….Sooo, where was X____ (socio sister) in that photo??? I said, “Well, I don’t know where she was – she may have been the person that took the photo??” He obviously was implying that I had photoshopped her out of the picture and was prepared to give me a tongue lashing for it. He kind of backed off when I said I didn’t know where she was when the photo was taken, and that maybe she had taken the shot (the absolute truth). It apparently threw him off since he was so convinced I had coldly cropped her out of a family photo. He is right that I have deleted her from my life, but he vastly overestimates my photoshopping skills!! LOL All in all I was glad I was able to be there to share in celebrating my mom’s special day and nothing too bad took place.

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    • Perfect!! So glad it was drama-free. And what a detached way to greet you…with a handshake? These people are incredibly sad. They don’t know themselves so assume you don’t either.

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  8. Once again you nail it Paula. As you know my Ex remarried and she and I have some sort of invisible war going on between us even though I only met her once and we do not even know one another. My Ex deserves all the hostility his new wife is directing at me. I wish I could warn her, but she’s under his spell. She’ll learn, the hard way, just like I did.

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  9. Loved this! So very true…

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