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Anger is a natural and valid emotion. We become angry when our sensations are assaulted.

Most of us don’t address our anger as it arises and instead allow anger to sit and fester. When we do this, our anger grows and overpowers all of the other sensations we experience, including feelings of happiness and joy.

Over time, this build-up of anger makes us seem like angry people to the outside world. If we’re confronted about our built-up anger, our immediate response is to say, “No way! I’m not angry!”

And that statement may be true in the moment. You may not recognize that you are holding inside unresolved, unaddressed anger. Being told by someone that they think you’re angry makes you more angry. It’s such an unfortunate cycle.

Why do we hold in our anger? Why do we try to hide it and not address it?

The simple answer is that most of us were conditioned to believe that being angry is not good. So when we feel angry, we feel like we’re somehow not good, and the last thing we want others to see is our anger for fear they’ll judge us as not good. And the sad irony is that this fear actually makes us internally more angry and ashamed of ourselves. How unfair.

The first step toward releasing years of engrained, unaddressed anger is to accept that being angry is NOT a sign of weakness or a sign that we are emotionally unstable or bad people.

Anger is a natural emotion and deserves our attention.

Once you accept this, you can start dissecting those things from your past that made you angry. You can start releasing the anger freely through writing or through discussions with those you trust.

Don’t be ashamed to express this anger. We must move through it, not side step it. Denying our anger or any emotion is unhealthy and toxic. Denying our anger makes us sick physically, emotionally and spiritually. People don’t want to be around us when we’re sick. They just don’t.

Once we address all that anger we swept under the rug, we become more accepting of any new frustrations and situations that anger us. We immediately begin to recognize the sensation of anger, and we learn to patiently move through it. We no longer shame ourselves or judge ourselves for feeling angry.

When we can do this with all of our emotions and sensations, we experience freedom.

And when someone reacts to us and says, “I think you’re angry,” don’t be ashamed. Say, “Yes, I am angry.”

Own your emotions. You’ll be amazed at how your world opens up when you do and at how quickly you can resolve your anger to make room to fully embrace other more enjoyable emotions that come over you. No more unaddressed anger clogging the path for happiness and joy to reach our consciousness.

Namaste!
~Paula

Category:
abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Forgiveness, Health, Mental Health, mindfulness, Peace, Recovery, Self Improvement, Spirituality, Yoga
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  1. […] Don’t be ashamed to feel angry (paularenee.wordpress.com) […]

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  2. Thanks, Paula, for your thoughts on my comment about anger and the idea of “winning or losing”. My daughter actually shares your attitude about being labeled “crazy” and realizes it is just a way for her grandma to save face with the rest of the family. Actually from what I have read, it is a classic reaction by the abuser to deflect fault away from himself and put blame on the victim. Fortunately, my daughter is able to delete people from her life and not look back, much better than I can. I think the whole miserable incident probably hurt me more than it hurt her. We never like to have our children’s feelings trampled upon, and it usually hurts us as parents more than it does our child.

    “Your mother fears your daughter because your daughter isn’t a coward like her.”

    You are right – my daughter is definitely not a coward and she has no problem telling it like it is. Thanks for these words – it helps me to understand and accept the situation, sad as it may be.

    What I meant by my comment that “they won” is that my daughter can never unstick the “crazy” label or the damage it has inflicted on her. That is the nature of slander and libel. Part of her heart has been ripped out by losing her relationship and trust in her grandma, whom she was very close to. But she knows there are good and bad people in this world, and has no problem with cutting the bad ones out of her life forever, even if they are the only family she has, aside from her dad, myself and her brother. But it still hurts. Essentially, she has lost her extended family through no fault of her own. They all still have eachother, nasty as they may be. Since she was my mom’s very favorite grandchild growing up, the other grandchildren are more than happy to see her out of the picture now. Whatever…as far as my daughter’s concerned, they can have her. She’s done.

    I guess my point in saying “you can’t win”, is that no matter what you try to do to battle sociopaths, their enablers and minions, you will end up with mud on your face and look like the bad guy. Unleashing your anger is good for you in that you release a lot of bad feelings, but don’t expect it to make the sociopath feel guilty or accept their responsibility in causing the problem. The only way to come out on top is to not care what is said or thought about you. But you can be sure you are being smeared and your reputation is being soiled with their lies. That’s just how they operate. Nothing you can do about it, aside from taking them to court. But you’re much better off to just remove yourself and not look back. In other words, you “win” by losing.

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    • Exactly! Part of the acceptance is being okay with the sociopath thinking he/she has defeated you. Disengagement is the only way to escape the madness. Your daughter’s potential and abilities are protected now because she chose to disengage. Despite releasing that part of her family, she’s gained freedom to become anything and everything she chooses to become. 🙂

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  3. You know, Paula, you just can’t win with a sociopath though. My daughter unleashed her anger at my mom for believing my sister’s lies about her, and what did my mom do? She announced to our entire family – in our absence – that my daughter is “crazy”, has “mental problems”. She had to come up with a reason why we weren’t at her 80th birthday party, so labeling my daughter as crazy sounded a lot better than admitting that she and my sister had broken my daughter’s heart. Shortly after, my niece (my daughter’s first cousin) told my daughter what her grandma was saying about her. And when I confronted my mom about it – that someone had told my daughter what she said about her behind her back, my mom said “I need to find out who is leaking this stuff”. Not “I’m so sorry for telling the whole family your daughter crazy”. No apologies, no denials, just wanting to know who leaked it. I never told her who it was that leaked it, but I think she has a pretty good idea. But my daughter is stuck with the stigma of being labeled crazy for expressing her anger at my mom for her part in the mess. My daughter has “pulled the handle, flushed the toilet” on the whole group and wants nothing to do with any of them, but it makes me so sad to think of how she was victimized by some of her/my own family members. They won.

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    • Middle child, Life is not about winning or losing. It only becomes a game when a person refuses to be accountable for the affect their shitty behavior has on others. Your mother is not accountable. Her inability to not be accountable is indicative of her choice to call your daughter crazy because your daughter chose to be honest and brave and release her anger. An accountable person would have listened to your daughter’s words and absorbed them and considered why she said such things. An accountable person would have respected your daughter, not resorted to calling her crazy. So your mother and all who choose to enable her are losers. As far as being labeled crazy, if I allowed every crazy label thrown at me to affect me, I would have stopped writing and sharing a long time ago. Whenever I hear someone call another person crazy, I imagine that crazy person to be someone the name caller fears. Your mother fears your daughter because your daughter isn’t a coward like her. 🙂

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