In all relationships, we sometimes find ourselves unable to get out what we want to say. Sometimes we say the absolute wrong things at the absolute wrong times. This is normal and expected, because no one is perfect, especially in how we communicate.

Unless you’re a sociopath.

Sociopaths believe they are King and Queen communicators. Everything they say, in their minds, is expressed perfectly and flawlessly. You just need to shut up, listen and comply. No talking. No, no, no. Shame on your for talking.

These King and Queen communicators are quite delusional, don’t you think? Their communication approach of shutting out the voice of “the other” goes against everything we know and understand about healthy communication:

1. It takes (at least) two people, two voices, to have a conversation.

2. If a conversation’s interpersonal communication efforts repeatedly fail, the conversation fails.

3. If conversations between two people repeatedly and consistently fail, the relationship naturally ends due to this mutual failure.

4. But if the relationship doesn’t naturally end due to one person being burdened with the blame for the communication failures, the relationship becomes imbalanced, toxic and dangerously prolonged.

Without question, every relationship the sociopath enters eventually becomes toxic. From childhood friendships and family relationships to romance and business, toxic relationships seem to follow the sociopath around like lost puppies.

How ironic for these King and Queen communicators. Not a very good track record for all of their self-aggrandizing.

Why can’t sociopaths be realistic?

Sociopaths are the Kings and Queens of miscommunication.

I like that much better.

Great communicators consider the other person’s needs and point of view.

Great mis-communicators only consider their needs and point of view.

I believe this is almost too simple for us to grasp in the moments we need to grasp it the most. It’s probably why we lost our minds trying to make sense of their senseless miscommunication tactics. You can’t logically explain that which makes no logical sense in the first place.

That’s why it’s imperative to identify and pay attention to anyone in any relationship who dismisses your point of view and who makes you feel like your opinions don’t matter. The more prolonged the miscommunication is allowed, the deeper we bury ourselves in blame and shame.

When we begin with crap, we end up with deeper crap.

You matter, dammit! And so does every emotion and feeling and expression that surfaces and makes its way to your lips. No need to walk on egg shells any longer. Say what’s on your mind no matter how ridiculous or silly you think it may sound to others. Silence the sociopath’s echoing voice once and for all. Those who care about you will take the time and effort to ask for more clarification and possibly help you find the right words and language that may be eluding you.

Nurture your voice. Nurture your spirit. Nurture your foundation. Relearn what it means to have a healthy conversation.


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abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Lessons, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissistic Sociopath, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality

Join the conversation! 10 Comments

  1. Walking away from me, with a hand up, palm facing me, his gesture for I’m done. Or, I’d say something, he’d not respond, I’d say “Did you hear me ask about xyz…” He’d say “YES I HEARD YOU !”…but how was I to know that ? if you don’t say Ok, or uh huh, or hmmm, or anything at all to indicate you heard me ?…or the …god too many examples. I am so glad I left. But it kills me the time I have to be away from my kids, when they are on his time. It is hard.


    • It is hard; I can only imagine. But maintaining your mental and emotional health is the best gift you can give to your children. It will translate into greater physical health, as well. The stronger and healthier you are today, the stronger and healthier you’ll be tomorrow. 🙂


  2. My favourite saying of the narc ex husband was when he said,
    “Shut-up – I have finished talking.”


  3. Thank you for this thought-provoking post, Paula. It made me remember just about every heated conversation with my abusive ex (typically when he was in full meltdown mode). It was like talking to a wall of stone. Nothing I said went in, and the same irrational nonsense came out. It took me a while to realise that I was wasting my breath – he wasn’t just not listening, he wasn’t even hearing me. He was a steamroller.

    As you say, communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship and it is a two-way street. Being talked (or yelled) AT is not communication. If we aren’t heard in a relationship, it is enormously destructive to our own sense of self.

    You get that point across, wonderfully 🙂


  4. my sociopath just left me for someone no where near as smart, attractive, ambitious, or loving as I am :(((( I don’t even understand. He makes me feel inadequate in ways I ‘ve never felt before. I’m confused and hurt, because I can’t figure out what I’m lacking to make him leave like that.


    • It’s never about what you don’t have that makes a sociopath discard you. It’s got more to do with the fact you are too much of a challenge to the sociopath’s need to control you. If you’re too smart and too intuitive, you become a liability to the sociopath’s way of life. They can’t have anyone around them who asks too many questions or exerts too much independence. I’m really sorry you are going through this.


  5. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    I know everyone is going to be able to relate to this post of Paula’s. It actually made me nauseous remembering.


  6. Oh Paula, I think that was the hardest part of the whole relationship, worse than getting hit or strangled; to never be able to express myself, never ever have my feelings validated or even listened to. I say never ever and that is a lie, because they do know how to communicate; in the beginning JC and I could talk about anything, I could express my feelings and feel understood. We never fought, I trusted him explicitly with my feelings. Then all of a sudden I wasn’t making sense any more. It was like we were talking a different language. I used to say to him, “I know you are not stupid, why are you having such a hard time understanding the simplest of requests or expressions of emotion?”
    I eventually stopped expressing myself or would stammer and hem and haw afraid to say what was on my mind. Days rehearsing how I would approach him with something. Ridiculous to look back now. It wasn’t until his sister was living with us and I saw how frustrated she got, just screaming at him that he was a liar and not listening and be crying that I realized he was that way with everyone.
    I will be reblogging this for sure.
    Thanks Paula


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