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No Contact isn’t easy to maintain.

In the early months of recovery, not only are you detoxing from the addiction of being totally dependent upon the sociopath for emotional validation and support, you are also going through the natural rumination and bargaining phase of grief.

And the grief is multi-layered! You are not only grieving the loss of a relationship, but you’re also grieving the loss of a fantasy you thought was real.

You want answers. You demand answers, dammit! So you erroneously think the sociopath will give them to you. You contemplate breaking No Contact.

Reaching out to the sociopath will inevitably harm you. The sociopath will do 1 of 4 things:

1. Ignore you, causing you to question yourself more. (Stonewaller)

2. Respond to you with hate and vile, causing you to question yourself more. (Persecutor)

3. Respond to you with feigned concern, telling you that you’re sick and need professional help, causing you to question yourself even more. (Savior Complex)

4. Respond to you with a weak apology and love bombing to suck you back in, causing you to question yourself more. (Pity Ploy)

All of these responses give the sociopath power and control over you. The sociopath feeds off of your desperation.

Do you want to continue this merry-go-round? Or do you finally want to break free from the craziness?

You know what you need to do…

Namaste!
~Paula

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Category:
abuse, Addiction, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 25 Comments

  1. I am dealing with the NO CONTACT part of my closure to a guy I had protected and loved and had given up so much for. He totally used me for my money and “support” during his bad time. But with sociopaths, the bad times continue. I am feeling so sad and lonely. I know he is an asshole and always has been, but I thought I could “show him the way.” I am an idiot. There were so many times I said just that but wished for a better outcome.. Noramally, i am strong and insightful, but was swayed by pity for this seemingly helpless guy. He has taken me for my finnances and my faith in humanity and for my faith in myself and my intuition I am devastated by my final realization through websites such as this..

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    • I am very sorry, Kelly, that you find yourself here. But please know that you ARE strong and worthy and don’t have to be defined by how you were treated and how that treatment left you feeling. You can rebuilt trust in yourself and in your intuition just by believing that you matter and deserve better.

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    • Dear Kelly, I feel ya girl!! I am going thru the same thing and I am in therapy to help me get thru this. I have been reading a LOT to help me understand and process what he had done to me and how to get better. From what I gather, you might have “savior complex” or co-dependency. This is why you try to “show him the way” This is common with almost every victim of a sociopath because we’ve been thru problems or grew up in some sort of dysfunctional family environment. This makes us the pefect target and prey for sociopaths and they CAN and WILL see it in us and WILL use us. Mine used to tell me that I am so innocent and gullible that anyone could use me etc and boy did I ever think I WAS getting used by the same jerk! I am so lucky to have gotten out in a few months time cuz I could see a lot of red flags and smell something was fishy. Eventually I learned what he was!

      So no, dont given in to ANYTHING even if he calls or begs or threatens to kill himself or promise to change! He cant and wont! Anything he does is for his own self. I developed a sort of PTSD and it is common among victims of sociopaths. Dont hesitate to seek professional help if you think you are finding it hard to deal with and take care of your beautiful heart girl!!! I myself is trying to balance my savior complex and co-dependency.

      Good luck!

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    • Thank you for such a supportive and informative comment, Linda. I think many of us are fooled into helping out strays who fake their limps. 🙂

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  2. I made the mistake of reaching out last night.
    I made the bigger mistake of having a child with this woman, if you can even call her that.

    I was doing something with my daughter that I had done many times before with my ex stepson, who she stole from me. I reached out. She replied a couple of times then stonewalled me again.

    I hurt most now from her taking him from me.

    My sister and I disagree about her being a sociopath, which is frustrating, because she did the exact same things to him that she did to me.
    She introduced me to this little boy the first time I met her, knowing I would be hooked immediately, because her and I had talked about the abortion I suffered through a couple years prior. He was four months old at the time and she said here: be his daddy. She was witholding him from his father at the time.

    I miss him so much.

    The thing I hate the most, though there are a lot, is that she doesn’t even want the kids, she wants someone else to predominantly raise them, but won’t ever just give me full custody of my daughter; has to keep up appearances.

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    • I’m so sorry, Kyle. I understand your frustration. Have you read and shared with your sister Martha Stout’s book, “The Sociopath Next Door”? It’s so important for our peace of mind when someone we know and who we’ve known our entire lives gets it and sees what we see. As for expecting to get a glimmer of humanity from this woman, forget about it!! I did something similar when the sociopath in my story treated me like a stranger in an email. To wake him up to the fact we weren’t strangers and that I deserved to be treated like a friend regardless of our relationship status, I sent him a picture of my son with his dog I had taken the previous Christmas. What did I receive in return? Crickets. Nothing. Silence. That’s harsh and many can’t undertsand how harsh it is if they haven’t experienced the reality of being discarded and dismissed of all worth. And to see a child being discarded and dismissed can fill us with great anger and resentment.

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  3. I broke the contact.

    I sent a “apology” card that I purchased at Walgreen’s, apologizing for my venomous rant; HOWEVER, I made no contact with him. I sent the card via a friend from one of our satellite offices at work. I knew if he saw a Texas post-mark, he would most likely immediately trash. So, I sent the card to my friend in our Boston office who, in turn, placed in US Mail for a Boston post-mark to be delivered to his home.

    As I shared with Paula weeks ago, at soon to be age 59 this month, I had never spewed such nasty, rude, and ugly comments to a man I’ve ever been in love with or dated until I exploded with my former NS.

    My behavior haunted me; truly haunted me and I found it difficult to heal further because I let my emotions literally go ballistic when photos he posted on FB with his 18 year old new lover and girlfriend surfaced. That was the “last straw,” which resulted in my uncharacteristic behavior.

    I feel better in my soul knowing that I apologized via a card (simple apology language in the card) for my uncharacteristic behavior. I confess; that was my contact. Now, I’m free. My heart and soul feel lighter for sending the card.

    The book of making contact with former NS is now CLOSED. It took my healing to an even higher and deeper level. More love and nurturing for myself.

    Had to share. I still think about him but there is no longer attachment. For that — I am so very grateful!

    ~Namaste

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    • Nyla, You’re an amazing and graceful person. Thank you for sharing your final apology with us. I’m so glad you find yourself in a more loving and nurturing place today. Namaste! ~Paula

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  4. Thanks you for this!!! After 24 yr marriage this is what Im going through right now!, its so hard not to contact him and find closure and why did you do this to me, and blame it on me!! (finding it hard to move forward) Im having such a hard time with the no contact rule – sharing three children and businesses!! Im falling apart with the spiral of lies and verbal attacks, in just trying to separate our life from each other and him threatening to bankrupt me. To top it off has a girl friend during this whole time (new supply). Instead of a merry go around Im in a tiolet flush that wont go down and I know Im the one keeping it going.. so hard to detox with the reality of knowing the truth now- how did I let this go this far??

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    • Im printing this out and hanging it up ….lol Thank again!!

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    • I’m glad you find it useful. 🙂

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    • We all let it go to far. I knew within a few short months that I was sharing a bed with a not-very-good person. I let it drag out for three long years! But we learned and we now know that there are people without a conscience walking among us. Try not to focus in the ugliness of what he spews. Focus on loving your children and nurturing all of those great qualities that you’ve had all along! Stop shaming yourself and blaming yourself for what you perceive as wasted time. A new life can begin today despite that pesky guy within earshot shouting his foolishness. 🙂

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  5. After a tumultuous, chaotic, abusive relationship for almost 8 years with my borderline personality/malignant narcissistic boyfriend, I finally initiated No Contact with him and his family in November 2013. It was the hardest thing I have just about ever done in my life, the grief of No Contact was excruciating but I had to do it or I was going to end up in a hospital. I even went as far as getting a new car so he wouldn’t recognize me on the road (he didn’t live far from me), took new routes to avoid contact, blocked phone numbers and emails, changed churches, avoided anything where I thought I might run into him. He had no interest in me, he had already moved on to an internet fling a week after I put into place No Contact. I was diagnosed with secondary PTSD from trying to be strong and walking on eggshells all those years and was placed in domestic violence counseling. I am examining why I would accept his behaviors as normal.

    Imagine my shock when I received the news that this man chose to end his own life 5 weeks ago. I can only imagine he could no longer live with all the demons and torment he had inside from the tragedies in his life along with his lousy choices. I look forward to healing. I know I am safe, I know others are safe, that God has great plans for me, and now I know how to set boundaries and won’t even wait for red flags anymore, that as soon as I see a pink or orange flag, I am setting boundaries. I am in control of my power.

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    • It’s never good news when we hear about someone we knew and loved has taken his own life. However, I’m thankful that you now feel safe and no longer must deal with the stress and anxiety associated with the possibility of being contacted by him or running into him. Peace and namaste!

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  6. VERY rough day. Very rough couple of days. I miss him terribly.

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  7. I’m guilty of wanting closure, wanting answers and I broke the no-contact rule last September 2013 and all it did was bring me right back to square one. My therapist warned me. You had warned me but I did not listen.

    I won’t make that mistake again. It is to the point now where I barely think of my Ex and that’s a good thing.

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  8. What do you do when the whole society consists of incurable sociopaths?…

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    • There are a lot of them out there, aren’t there? The best way to cope through awareness, setting boundaries, and learning not to engage with them. We are inevitably impacted by these types, but I absolutely believe that there is a shift in power happening in society. It’s not a coincidence that more and more blogs like this one are popping up. 🙂

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    • Everyone of us is a mixture of brain chemistry, physical uniqueness, and developmental impacts. Some of us have more empathy, some less, and some so much less that they fall within the range we refer to as “Cluster B Personality Disorders.” There’s a broad assortment of them, sociopaths, narcissists, borderlines, schitzotypals, and on and on.

      Once we recognize that character disorder exists, we begin seeing through the behaviors we may have previously accepted as normal. We now recognize there is a more sinister, underlying component to it.

      But that’s not to say that everyone is tainted. Just like other anomalies, you can count on character disorder being at the top of the bell curve. Better still, lets invert that curve and put them at the bottom, where they belong…. like at the bottom of a very dark, and very slimy barrel.

      Because testosterone works against oxytocin, the neurotransmitter conveying trust, affection, and bonding, a higher ratio of character disordered folks would be attracted to more competitive or authority related functions……. doesn’t bode well for our elected officials, does it? And high numbers succeed rapidly in clawing their way up the corporate ladder.

      But there are a great many people in society who are caring, concerned and ethical human beings. Not everyone who is competitive is a sociopath. Once a person understands how they operate, it’s easier to recognize them so there seems to be more. They blend in all around us. But so do the caring, loving people.

      I’d be surprised if the ratio of character disordered people is as low as the mental health community seems to want us to believe, around 4%. But also keep in mind that they behave in a serial fashion and harm many people in their lifetimes.

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  9. Oh my goodness. Paula ~
    Thank you so much. The energy. the grief of missing him, the thought of contacting him has been so strong. Your timing of this post was perfect. I will read the reasons NOT to make contact again, and again, and again until it reasonates so deeply into my being to bring “awareness” to my heart just how detrimental ANY contact with him would be to my OVERALL well-being. S%#>, I miss him…I still love him BUT I can’t regress in my healing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he would make me feel like CRAP one way or another and my contact will escalate and reinforce his sick & twisted ego. Much Love ~

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  10. Paula-

    What a SPOT-ON analysis! Well done!

    For all of the recently enlightened survivors of emotional fraud, what Paula is telling you of No Contact is the absolutely best way to put yourself onto a healing track.

    Unfortunately, in grief, we look for closure. We hope the offender will care that our shattered heart gets mended. Afterall, if we’re parting, why not agree to disagree, hear each other out, and part as friends…….

    Or maybe we want to get that last opportunity to set them straight, as if they would care what we had to say.

    Humanity only exists in the heart of a morally intact person. Expecting empathetic listening from a person who is devoid of empathy is akin to expecting intelligence from a person with the IQ of a moron. They do what they do because their brain is wired that way.

    Once we realize this, we can let it go, forgive ourselves for having been fooled, and make our peace with it. Getting your joy back is about you, not about them.

    With best wishes for a speedy, productive recovery…

    Joyce

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  11. YOu are right about the grief. It is rarely talked about, but as you say, it is multi-layered. It is also a strong motivating force. We want to end the pain associated with grief, so we reach out hoping that will help. Never a good idea. Our grief will heal, but never with the sociopath’s help.

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