bear_cubIn all relationships–intimate, business, familial, platonic–the sociopath MUST be in control.

The moment the sociopath loses control of someone he once controlled, that person will be vilified and torn down by the sociopath.

The sociopath will assassinate the person’s character in subtle and overt ways.

His audience will be a bit shocked by the sociopath’s sudden dislike and criticism of people the sociopath once SEEMED to revere:

“He is suffering from serious depression. What should I do? Should I say something to his family? He’s going to hurt himself!” (feigned concern)

“She is so unattractive. Look at her eyes. They’re so close together. And her body. She really thinks she’s hot and she’s not.” (projection of the sociopath’s body image issues)

“They’re nothing but a family of show offs. They are so arrogant and think they are better than everyone around them.” (more projection revealing how he compares his own family to others leading to deep jealousy)

“He’s dead to me!” (ease of discard regardless of how long a person was part of the sociopath’s life)

And if the sociopath can convince his audience to agree, the sociopath is happy. His supply is replenished, and the sociopath feels fulfilled.

(Imagine being fulfilled and happy at destroying another person’s reputation and convincing others that another person is unworthy of consideration? That’s evil. That’s darkness.)

But if the sociopath’s audience disagrees and questions the sociopath’s opinion and criticism, the sociopath instantly becomes incensed and the explosive rage begins:

“You disagree with me? Get out! Get the f*ck out! You whore. You bastard!”

Then the sociopath either throws you outside or silent treatment commences.

Seriously. What evolved and intelligent and reasonable and prudent person responds to simple questions by a loved one in such a way?

An evolved, intelligent, reasonable and prudent person DOESN’T react in such a way.

Regardless of how calm the sociopath appears when all is going in the sociopath’s favor, don’t ever forget that rage. Don’t underestimate the destructive power of the rage that bubbles and churns beneath the sociopath’s cool exterior. It only takes a simple denial to ignite the sociopath’s rage.

Why poke the bear when you know it’s a bear?


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abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 20 Comments

  1. What if a borderline Sociopath can destroy an argument, yet is angry and chooses less than civilised words? Does that make them incorrect in their argument? Does it justify me calling you an attention seeking whore, pointing the finger at Sociopaths, when the combined damage of the general population is greater, yet you isolate one group?

    You ain’t clever. People kiss your arse. No one has the balls to tell you.

    Oh and the reason i’m explosive is because of injustice and unfairness, so fuck you.

    STOP hating on Sociopaths!


  2. I am married to a man whom I believe is a sociopath. I have a 2 year old with this man (accidental pregnancy), and I married him after a completely unsupported pregnancy by him, after I’d moved far away to be with family. He visited frequently and gave me the impression that his intentions towards me had changed. I married him in order to ease my return to his home, with some financial support. Wrong.

    I have been rifling with: is he or isn’t he a sociopath. Is he bipolar? His rage is beyond anyone’s control. His teenager by another woman, a young boy, told him that he had always been afraid of his dad growing up and that he never knows when his dad is going to get angry, and that he wishes to move out and live full time with his mom. The kid didn’t have the wherewithal to do it, and by the end of the evening was willing to stick out his normal week with dad. Probably because the consequences weren’t worth it. There has never been any physical abuse. Just yelling.

    The 2 year old said “Mean dad!” yesterday to his dad, because his dad yelled at me uncontrollably for the most inane reasons. I told him that the kid’s shirt would get wet on the potty unless he lifted the shirt up. He started railing on me about it. Bizarre.

    I am confused as to what personality disorder this man has. And how do you keep your kid away from a dad who wants control, but is a terrible role model?


    • Does it matter how you classify him? When I left the sociopath, I had no idea he was a sociopath and hadn’t even considered that he had a disorder because he had convinced me that I was the one who was sick. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t sick but merely confused and depressed. I didn’t know enough to understand that I was experiencing cognitive dissonance and trauma. However, I knew enough to know this man was toxic to me and my son and I did not want my child to be further exposed to or tainted by this man’s way of being. I really didn’t care why or how or what he was in psychological terms; I just knew the relationship was causing me to lose myself and causing my son to suffer from anxiety at only 5-years-old!! So instead of worrying about how to label him, look at yourself and your child and determine if you are worth better than what this person is offering you in life. It’s better to be alone than live with someone who makes you feel lonely.


  3. Early in our relationship, staying at his parents’ home outside Toronto, I’ll never forget his rage towards me (as always about something inconsequential) in an upstairs bedroom. When I came down his mother trivialized the incident by saying, “Oh, he’s always had a temper, since he was young. I just count to 10 and wait for it to blow over”. #familial enablers


    • Their mothers, in my opinion, are their first victims. Their mothers couldn’t just walk away from these assholes. They had to come up with a way to cope and detach from the hate. Unfortunately, their mothers become delusional and numb and believe we all should be delusional and numb. “Sorry, Mom! It doesn’t work that way. I like myself and I’m not going to subject myself to a grown man who behaves lie a toddler!”


  4. That was one of the most shocking things for me, the rage. Here was this person that I thought was a spiritual guru and then there was this rage monster. Who knew the rage monster was the real persona–I sure didn’t back then……….


  5. Sorry meant to tell you my name is shannen… I can’t remember my log in information I!!!


  6. Nicole… if it were 6 months ago I would swear I wrote that myself… everything from not sleeping , horrible anxiety, people warning me, ignoring my intuition, I fell for him harder and faster than anyone in my life… I do no contact for a few weeks at a time then for some reason I answer a text or a call … only to be reminded within minutes whY I stay away… the bait and switch cat and mouse makes me crazy.. and he knows it… he does it purposely then tells me how mental I am and to get help!!! It is withdrawal… and every time I answer or respond I’m back to square one… I don’t know why I still somehow somewhere think or hope that one of those times I answer he will be there crying apologizing asking for help ( he is a drug addict) begging for forgiveness…. I am a fool… the abuse I went thru for 3 years and still.. even though I have not seen him since August the mental abuse is still there… tells me I am a bad mom, he will lie and say so and so saw me out doing this.. or someone told him I’m doing that.. all lies seeing I go nowhere ever… he makes me snap and enjoys every minute of it to wear he will tell me I’m not talking to you while your ” mental” and turn his ringer off as I painstaking calling over and over again to scream and defend myself… it’s a sick game… I blocked his number a week ago and he changed it so he could call private… I think I finally had enough because I then changed mine… he does not have my number I do not have his… it’s most likely a matter of time before he calls my job or girlfriend but every day with no contact I feel a bit stronger… the sick part is he’s all I t think about and even thou he did horrible things I miss him… or what he pretended to be and all the promises he made… so I sympathize with you completely.. good luck


  7. Dear paula…I have only recently become aquiainted with you and your writings. I read your very touching story about “the boy” and you so kindly mailed it to me. I read it regularly as it helps. I met “my boy” 2 years ago and most of that time has been filled with utter despair interwoven with what I thought were passion and love. Of course as you know that was only from my side although it has taken me until recently to honestly admit this to my self. 2 weeks ago I broke it of for the last time. I finally had to face up to his cheating his utterly demeaning behaviour toward me…his utter dishonesty…etc etc. You know the score. The first week I felt relieved yet…this last week I have started to feel so sick in my stomach and generally so anxious…unable to sleep or sit still or eat for that matter. I will suddenly start crying and I feel so incredibly traumatised. I really dont know how to walk through it. The fearfulness…the feeling of dread. I am an intelligent woman…I have 3 grown up sons..I AM 60 YEARS OLD!…how did I get hear paula and how do I get out of this very private hell. The painful truth is that I cant talk of my despair because many have warned me, besides…if I told anyone it would sound so mad that those who know me would NOT believe that I had allowed him to do all he has done. I know I cannot blame because I ALLOWED him. I also need to confess that my intuition told me from the first date that I should run a mile from this guy. By the 2nd date it was too late. He evoked feelings in me…an electrifying sexual passion which I had NEVER KNOWN. I would have done ANYTHING for him..Given him all. Now I look back upon 2 years of utter emotional chaos and I feel so so ashamed that I could allow another to use and abuse me in such a destructive way. Please paula…tell me this nightmarish feeling will end. Do you know what is the worst thing? I am a reg nurse by trade and specialised amongst other things in mental health. From early on I KNEW he say the least…a person with psychopathic tendencies…I did not listen to myself. I had fallen in love with him…it was too late. I hope you can give me some advice…something to hold on to. I know you understand…warmest regards nici


    • Nici,

      You’re going through withdrawal and the trauma effects from being acted upon by this pathological person. Its normal and expected. But through mindful and continued work, education and awareness of yourself and your gifts, these intense emotions and feelings of worthlessness and desperation will begin to dissipate over time.

      Your best gift to yourself is to find a counselor trained and qualified to treat women who have suffered trauma. Finding a counselor experienced with treating and understanding the aftermath of pathological love relationships would be ideal.

      You can message me privately, if you’re comfortable.

      🙂 Paula


  8. Under no circumstances will he: apologize, thank, regret, pursue, encourage, appreciate, sympathize, reciprocate, acquiesce, commit, promise


  9. Yup, it’s a bear!! You can’t argue with a bear. They will destroy you.
    Love the way you write Paula!


  10. Ironically, it’s been the silent treatment the last couple of days, and because it was welcomed, today I had to deal with the rage. Texts pouring in about how the choices my children have made are clearly because of the example I model. He’s a superstar, therefore; it’s not in the least bit, him. I confronted him about his implications and I get called the strifemaker in the end. Today, I am exhausted. I always pick myself back up…..I just want to relax and practice breathing exercises and think about nothing……….refuel.
    Thanks for the article. It always seems to be right on time.
    Hope your world is well, Paula. Bless you


    • Can totally relate, Jaded_Christian. It’s called being a scapegoat. I decided a year and a half ago to stop being the scapegoat. I figure eventually when they realize my life is peaceful while they still have strife and chaos, they’ll come to terms with the fact that I am not the problem. (or maybe not, but at least I have peace)


  11. I cannot even recall how many times my Ex used this expression in regards to various people in his life: “He’s dead to me!” I’m sure he now says that to me. Well F U Tin Man! You’re DEAD TO ME!!!



  12. I always got the silent treatment…after awhile it was welcome! No more listening to the raging, whining and complaining of how much I never, ever loved him. Why did I ever marry him if I never cared for him…blah, blah, blah. So many of us have been/were/are dead to him, he will sh@t on our graves etc. Again, kind of a welcome experience at this point!


  13. Oh, man, this reminds me of a sociopath we know. I once defended a friend on a post, and the guy went ballistic, seriously crazy nuts, sending angry emails to my friend demanding he fix me, or whatever. This was right after his apology. Ugh!

    It amazes me how many sociopaths are out there, walking among us. At least I don’t have any really bad ones in my life – for now. I love your posts on this. Very interesting.


  14. I once told my husband once that dealing with his sister made me want to be dead. Not suicidal dead, but just dead, so I didn’t have to put up with her anymore. It was exhausting dodging her tirades and her rages.

    But now I realize that I don’t have to be exhausted anymore and I don’t have to “be dead” either. I’m just moving on with my own life and she can spin out as much as she wants to. People are already starting to think she’s a bit wonky because she continues to attack me with such zeal.

    I will never forget what she’s done and because she has been so public about it, a lot of other people won’t forget it either.


  15. again, your writing is so true. I always know with the narcissists in my life that there is ALWAYS a storm waiting to explode beneath the surface. The only question, usually is when and where.


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