Many of us were pushed by the sociopath into believing we were the one with the serious mental defect. The sociopath would go as far as telling us that we were bi-polar or suffered from borderline personality disorder.
The boy in my story went as far as visiting a counselor, not to figure out himself, but to figure out ME! Here is an actual excerpt from an e-mail the boy sent to me after I left the relationship the second time:
“When was the last time someone went to therapy in order to better understand you, what is happening to you? When is the last time someone in your life went to therapy to Better understand depression and alcoholism to better understand you? Paula, why would anyone want a relationship with someone that has said the things you have? Done the things you have done? Love? Because I want to be in your life? Help you in all this? Be a friend to lean on?”
Keep in mind that this message came to me after I had left the relationship…for the second time…and had not asked for his help on my way out.
Like most sociopaths, the boy was a King at pointing out all of my failings and weakness (some justly so), but most of his finger-pointing tantrums were cowardice displays of his own projections and insecurities.
Not once did I begin arguments by calling him names, telling him he was a loser, telling him he needed counseling or telling him he was not a good person.
All I ever asked from him (and justly deserved) was for my feelings and opinions to be fully considered, not just brushed aside as the ramblings of some “mentally ill” woman who was confused, as he liked to call me.
Confused?
I am convinced that only someone who is disordered and without a conscience or ability to empathize could ever project so much onto a supposed ‘loved one’ as to accuse that ‘loved one’ of being disordered.
Accusing us of being disordered is how the sociopath continues to successfully deflect his/her blame and accountability for the relationship’s high toxicity levels.
The sociopath repeats to him/herself:
“If I can prove to her that she’s sick, I can prove my actions are justified and were only taken to help her come to her senses. My senses are completely and utterly intact and 100% healthy. I do not need to change a thing about myself. She’s the one with the issues. I can convince her of that. Just watch me!”
And in partial defense of the sociopath, I believe we absolutely and without question appear bi-polar or borderline to the sociopath.
The sociopath is a victim, a victim of our desire to remain free and independent in our thoughts and actions.
The sociopath expects us to be his/her puppet, and when we refuse to be manipulated, we are viewed as out-of-control and sick.
We do not think as the sociopath wants us to think so the sociopath concludes: “She MUST be crazy!!”
But there was/is nothing crazy or disordered about us. Most of us never stepped foot into a counselor’s office prior to our dalliances with a sociopath. Before these fools entered our lives, the majority of us had manageable issues. Issues, yes. But relatively minor ones.
The sociopath interpreted us as behaving out-of-control and crazy-like when we were simply reacting normally to the prospect of being caged and enslaved by the sociopath.
Who doesn’t react with passion, emotions, refusal and legs kicking when being pushed, shackled and dragged down a rabbit hole?
Sociopaths can not be bothered with the unpredictability of another’s independence. It’s too messy and complicated for them, and it interferes with their free will and plans.
We must be contained…somehow.
One way is by the sociopath proving to us that we are ill and that the sociopath is the only person who can save us from ourselves. Once convinced, we lose our independence and rely on the sociopath to fix us.
And what does fixing us look like?
>> Punishing us for having independent thoughts.
>> Alienating us from our friends and family.
>> Hospitalizing us or calling the police on us for our “uncontrollable” outbursts.
>> Secretly calling our mothers/fathers/best friends and feigning concern.
>> Secretly calling our counselors or sponsors to “tell on us” or make sure we’re remaining in line.
>> Shaming and belittling us so we lose total and complete confidence to act independent of the sociopath.
>> Sabotaging even small independent efforts by refusing to relinquish control.
This type of “fixing” sends us into a deeper pit of despair and cognitive dissonance. We lose sight of ourselves. Become more depressed. Seek ways to self-medicate. Hide our real issues until those issues are bigger issues, bigger than elephants that could ever possibly find a corner in which to hide!
Suddenly, we find ourselves in real need of anti-depressants, hospitalization and interventions.
Suddenly we find ourselves saying, “OMG!!! The sociopath was right all along. I am crazy. I do need help. Thank goodness he was here to inform me. Thank goodness!”
Unbeknownst to you and at your lowest low, you fail to realize that all of the parts of yourself you sacrificed and shared with the sociopath, the sociopath exploited and used against you to lead you down the dark path you now find yourself. The path of complete dependence and complete despair.
And what happens in the moment that you find yourself in need of real help? The sociopath no longer wants to help you. You are nothing to the sociopath. You’re useless, used up and disposable. The sociopath wonders why he ever bothered caring about you in the first place. What a waste you became!
The sociopath’s only option is to toss you aside, refuse to acknowledge he ever had any type of association with you and to go off and discover someone else to be his host.
You truly become dead to him despite all you sacrificed and gave. The sociopath will even delete/burn/discard all remnants of your pathetic existence from his life, so the next host/victim/supply knows nothing of who you once were.
With each new partner, the sociopath’s slate is magically and effortlessly wiped clean. The next victim becomes the soul mate/the one like no one else the sociopath has ever met.
And the grooming begins. The charm is reset. The chameleon once again adapts and changes to match and mirror the lifestyle of his new target. And there will be the temporary envy from those in the sociopath’s new circle.
(But only temporarily. The rabbit hole follows alongside the sociopath, waiting quietly and patiently.)
Soon enough, the new victim will voice an opinion counter to the sociopath’s and the gaslighting and manipulation will commence.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
And the new victim will find herself torn between understanding what she had grown to believe about herself and her values and what the sociopath projects as being the fallacy in how she perceives herself and those values.
She’ll begin entrusting the sociopath with her everyday responsibilities, because the sociopath claims he wants to help her relieve artificial stress so she can focus on healing from her deep-seated issues.
(Let me tell you, this new victim is even more crazy that the last one!! Poor girl. It’s like the sociopath was born to help people or something, always finding the most sick among us to heal and help. What a saint that sociopath is!)
Out of the kindness of his heart, the sociopath allows his name to be added to her checking account, just in case deposits or payments need made and she’s not well enough to do it herself.
She’ll allow him to tell her what she should or shouldn’t be eating or where and when or how much exercise she should be doing.
She’ll add him to her emergency contact list and HIPAA release with her doctors and counselors.
(The sociopath does not deserve this much power and control over anyone’s life, but it’s given up freely!)
The sociopath is a con artist that continues to magnify his new victim’s known weaknesses by inflating her microscopic foibles, convincing her that she is one big messed up mass of humanity and only the sociopath understands, only the sociopath has the tools to fix her!
And fix her, he sure as hell will.
The sociopath will use every detail about her health and wellness to destroy her self-love, her self-respect and her independence.
Then she’ll find herself on a page like this trying to make sense of it all.
But you know what?
No matter how much was taken from her, no matter how lost she became, and no matter that she lost all dignity and grace, she will emerge stronger, more beautiful and more in love with life than ever before!
Just as you will. Just as you have.
Don’t take my word for it. Trust in your desire and determination to not be defeated by the most despicable creature that exists: The Sociopath.
When you rise from the ashes of your sociopath experience, you will discover life has limitless possibilities and your skills are too many to count.
Cherish your skills. Nurture your skills. Share your skills.
The one skill you will use and cherish the most is your skill to remain graceful under the pressure from those pesky sociopaths and their pushy determination to convince you that you have no skills.
What a bunch of kooks those silly sociopaths are! The joke is on them, because we’re aware of the one-sided games they play, and we aren’t interested in being duped anymore. ❤
Namaste!
~Paula
(Image source: http://megshouse.org/abuse-recovery-games-program/)
Your Healing Frequency 
48 responses to “We Can’t Break the Sociopath’s Cycle, but We Can Break Our Own”
Paula and PhoenixRising you both are making me blush! My cheeks are red.
Now PhoenixRising, I am free but I struggle at times. I made my break last year but I still get panic attacks that the “evil little boy” will find a way to contact me and break my peace because I am sure he is not done with using me for his benefit. He had me so twisted that I was breaking his peace but in truth he broke mine. All I was trying to do was question the validity of his responses, which I knew were all lies. Yet, I hoped at one moment he would say the truth but he stuck to his lies as he did all those years we were together. I was just crazy and imagining stuff and when I would not stop he tried to break me in the worst way, which was to belittle and downgrade me or tell me I forgot what happen. “Remember baby you are so forgetful”! I wish I really was forgetful so I could have forgotten him a long time ago and not be to the point I get panic attacks and having issues trusting. I still shutter with thoughts of him because he was supposed to love me but yes I remember narcissist do not feel emotion. It is the most awful feeling you keep uplifting someone with nice positive words and then they tear you down with awful words or never encouraging. Then to top it off with having a nerve to say you said something awful but you just do not remember.
Last but not least we should not just keep sharing and writing about these “evil little boys” but paying it forward. I and a few others whom been have been down this unfortunate dark road share your blog and a few other sites that talk about narcissism.
Hillary Clinton once said it takes a village to raise a child, well I think it takes a village to raise people that been through what we been through and many of us that are still in the struggle go through till they can free themselves. So anyone reading here or posting here if you see someone who needs help pay it forward, even if it is a complete stranger. Yes, complete stranger I know it may feel awkward and weird but you never know if you saved someone life. Narcissism is the worse death because you are still alive, so save a life by reaching out because it empowers you and sometimes you may be saving not just one life but others if family members are involved.
Again, thanks to my human angels! You made me feel so special. I wish I could hug you both.
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Right back at you Anon (((0))) that’s a cyber hug 🙂
PR xoxo paying it forward always with much love & light to you 🙂
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I want to thank you PhoenixRising for your post as well. You saved me the time and effort to tell a similar story. However, are not all our stories very similar? We all have been manipulated by an “evil little boy” and I mean boy.
I often wonder why I would say a real man would never do this and guess what I realize that was my answer all the time. A real man of integrity or that has a conscious would NEVER do as he has done to me and many others nor act like a boy. Yet, I kept hoping and even praying my love would fix him and that somehow he was damaged by my past actions, of which he depended on me feeling. He never put me down or belittle me for many years but he loved (no more benefited because narcissist lack emotion) riding off my guilt for things that happen in the past that I never expressed but he knew I felt. This guilt kept me loyal and in check while he used and manipulated me to hurt others via twisting my words and actions. I was triangulated so many times it makes me sick thinking of it because I did not know this for many years. It makes me so sad and hurt to the point I almost wish someone would kick him, especially if he has hurt children. I agree with the person above. We as adults are not the only victims because those of us that have children if we do not change we allow the innocent who depend upon our protection to get hurt or damaged for life. I have read the stories of children growing up with narcissist parents and it makes you feel the greatest sorrow.
It took me several years to break free of this “evil little boy” and I only did it because he started taking another step from using guilt to trying to belittle and downgrade me and that was the ticket I needed to get out or he would have destroyed my soul or should I say allow because a person can only do what we allow. Some of us just don’t get that and that is part of the problem. We give up so much power to the point we leave ourselves powerless and it takes something supernatural to make us rise again. Therefore, I hope that I can be as strong as you to help others because by telling our stories we strengthen each other and open the cage for beautiful beings that have been caged for too long under a “wicked spell”. However, I think for those our story not reach I truly believe if your heart is good than God not only sends angels but keeps calling you out of that darkness in some way or another but you just have to listen and take the leap.
Last but not least, not long ago I did something that I know the “evil little boy” may use to triangulate in the future but I am a person of my word so I went through with it and as odd as this sounds it made me feel good. Knowing I can still do something kind for someone so evil, which reminds me that my soul is not lost. Thank God I still believe there is a lot of good in me and that I have shut the door to a boy being able to use me again and open the door to a real man to walk in. I too like you have RISEN.
Thank you so much for your story! I also thank Paula as well because reading this post changed my life: https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/beware-the-narcissistic-sociopath-disguised-as-your-soul-mate/
Paula and others like PhoenixiRising are true human angels that have helped me and many others to open the cage to freedom!
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Thank you, Anonymous. You’re amazing and a perfect example of why many of us out here writing and sharing can’t stop. We want each other to find a way out of the darkness. No one deserves to be on the place we once found ourselves. 🙂 ❤
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Hi Anonymous,
Paula is fantastic & has guided & helped so many. In fact this site was the first one I found which sent me on my quest of healing & raising awareness for others.
If I have helped in anyway I am humbled & I appreciate your words of support.
I am proud that you are free finally & wish you the very best life has to offer.
I know we will all meet one day in another realm & I look forward to that amazing moment of love & light that joins us together. 🙂
Love PR xoxo
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I want to thank you PhoenixRising for your post as well. You saved me the time and effort to tell a similar story. However, are not all our stories very similar? We all have been manipulated by an “evil little boy” and I mean boy.
I often wonder why I would say a real man would never do this and guess what I realize that was my answer all the time. A real man of integrity or that has a conscious would NEVER do as he has done to me and many others nor act like a boy. Yet, I kept hoping and even praying my love would fix him and that somehow he was damaged by my past actions, of which he depended on me feeling. He never put me down or belittle me but he loved riding off my guilt for things that happen in the past that I never expressed but he knew I felt. This guilt kept me loyal and in check while he used and manipulated me to hurt others via twisting my words and actions. I was triangulated so many times it makes me sick thinking of it because I did not know this for many years. It makes me so sad and hurt to the point I almost wish someone would kick him, especially if he has hurt children. I agree with the person above. We as adults are not the only victims because those of us that have children if we do not change we allow the innocent who depend upon our protection to get hurt or damaged for life. I have read the stories of children growing up with narcissist parents and it makes you feel the greatest sorrow.
It took me several years to break free of this “evil little boy” and I only did it because he now was taking another step from using guilt to now trying to belittle and downgrade me and that was the ticket I needed to get out or he would have destroyed my soul or should I say allow because a person can only do what we allow. Some of us just don’t get that and that is part of the problem. We give up so much power to the point we leave ourselves powerless and it takes something supernatural to make us rise again. Therefore, I hope that I can be as strong as you to help others because by telling our stories we strengthen each other and open the cage for beautiful beings that have been caged for too long under a “wicked spell”. However, I think for those our story not reach I truly believe if your heart is good than God not only sends angels but keeps calling you out of that darkness in some way or another but you just have to listen and take the leap.
Last but not least, not long ago I did something that I know the “evil little boy” may use to triangulate in the future but I am a person of my word so I went through with it and as odd as this sounds it made me feel good. Knowing I can still do something kind for someone so evil, which reminds me that my soul is not lost. Thank God I still believe there is a lot of good in me and that I have shut the door to a boy being able to use me again and open the door to a real man to walk in. I too like you have RISEN.
Thank you so much for your story! You have helped me and perhaps many others that just need that one push of opening the cage to freedom!
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Dear Paula
Thank you for your helpful blog. I am still unable to understand the underlying motive for revenge from a narcissist, who has discarded you and rejected you. Why do they feel the need to inflict so much additional pain? The feeling for wanting revenge usually stems from pain that someone has felt themselves and the desire to get back at this person to make it even. I don’t understand the connection between making people suffer without reason for the sake of it. It sounds like there are a lot of feelings involved, something that these people are known for not having. I am struggling to understand why they would want to hurt you even when they don’t want you in their lives. Can you please try to explain that?
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Oldkingsroad, To the sociopath, it’s less about getting revenge and more about wiping us, the shit they stepped in, off their shoe for good. We, non-sociopaths, make heart connections with everyone we enter into relationships. We feel connections, especially in romantic love relationships, and those connections simply don’t end or become severed just because the relationship transitions to a new type. But they do for the sociopath, because there was never a love bond formed. So having us lingering about and crying about injustices they inflicted upon us and our children is simply a burden to the sociopath. The sociopath seeks to destroy us so we just go away and leave him in peace to find new supply, continue fooling existing supply, and con his way through life as if the sociopath is doing absolutely nothing wrong. YOU are an obstacle, not a person, who has interfered with the sociopath’s vision of what and who the sociopath needs to be. It’s the sociopath’s survival mechanism to destroy those who uncover the sociopath’s true nature. And it is the sociopath’s nature…a nature that can not be changed or fixed. Why fix something that works perfectly fine? The sociopath’s only concern is eliminating those pesky and meddling folks who try exposing the sociopath’s real persona. So it’s less about revenge and more about killing and wiping out the obstacles, and sociopath’s will do anything and everything to see that all obstacles to the sociopath’s “peace” are destroyed.
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[…] If you have been reading and following my blog or Facebook page, you know I love yoga and have a regular practice. As a reader of this blog and others like it, you also understand that the toxic love we experience as a result of sociopath and emotional abuse results in layers of imbalance within our body and our minds. These imbalances are a direct result of the two major players that keep us in the relationship long after the abuse begins: the betrayal/trauma bond and cognitive dissonance. […]
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Thank you for making some SENSE of the senseless behavior & situation that would leave any sane person scrambling for his or her marbles. What is sane in an insane situation? In parental alienation, a targeted parent is expected to act calm & unemotional when her child is put into the hands of a sociopath! I worry about all kids in the “care” of a sociopath. I pray they all find help.
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This brought me to tears and brought me back to a place I often try to forget. Could not be more true, Thank you for your words!
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It’s amazing & awful how all of our stories are similar. Yet, we all share exactly what you said “Cherish your skills. Nurture your skills. Share your skills.” YES!
I have a young child with my ex who has been hell bent on ruining our peaceful life legally since 2013 but I do NOT engage & haven’t for like 3/4 years. I’m living the life I choose and he’s living the life he only knows. You can all break the cycle! It can happen!
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Yup! Then we say to ourselves, “enough is enough,” we start telling people what they’re really like, write a book, and start to realize just how amazing we really are! You did it, and I did it! I’m proud of you, Paula. 🙂
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Thank you, Anonymous!
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EEk! this took me right back to some dark, horrible feelings I haven’t had for a very long time. You got it all spot on.
And interestingly today from my enlightenment cards I got ‘Rise of the phoenix’ , so I got goosebumps when you mentioned something similar.
Thankyou for sharing your thoughts – they are most helpful in engaging my thoughts that I am not alone in these feelings and this experience.
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jul, There really are no coincidences! I’m glad you aren’t alone, either. 🙂
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Hi Paula 🙂
Wow another great post & as usual ‘spot on’…
I have emerged & am feeling great but, as you know, the road is long and arduous but, you just keep pushing & digging deep down into your bones & beyond to that cellular level & then the healing begins.
What a ride the Soc takes us on & I had 10 years with a full blown charismatic one & 19 years previous with my ex husband who is a Narcissist!
OMG what a journey but, what a life full of lessons that I have learnt 🙂
My Soc moved onto a Dr of Sociology & yes, she was another broken person, he has deluded that he will help.
He’s a fireman so, already plays the role of the great savior to a tee.
Actually he is a Commander & is good at his job but, who better to make decisions for others lives, he gets the job done at others expense but, carries out his role perfectly when making decisions for others as he doesn’t ever truly connect to them & his colleagues are impressed!
The OW was shattered when I met her & is probably still drowning in the BS that he goes on & on with 😉
His best friend, a Senior Det in the Police said to me, “I’ve never known such a great & controlled speaker”….dah!
He’s controlled because, he’s a Sociopath & doesn’t ever connect to the subject emotionally so, the monotone & control & manipulation tactics are on full display.
What a poor fool his friend has become, another ‘puppet on the string’, being played so fully that he had him call me to do his dirty work.
Apparently it was my misunderstanding that the Soc had betrayed me & had been having a duplicitous life! Oh & his friend had no idea he was now engaged to the OW, his friend said, “I am his best friend, he would have told me he was engage”…Really so, the email from the OW stating they were engaged doesn’t concern you??? LOL what a sham the Soc is.
The OW told me, she had been acting out of character & following him & self medicating when she discovered me & as I’ve said before, the Soc eradicated & devalued me too her & she decided to stay…poor, poor woman.
He will game her endlessly because, he knows that she knows so, the ‘Vaseline lens’ is off & the Soc will be in full throttle to get what he worked so hard for, her money, her networks & her soul! 😦
“Something Wicked This Way Comes”…All I ever heard in my head for 10 years when my Soc was around.
My angels kept telling me this but, my Soc interfered with my intuition but, am now fully intuitive now 🙂
He didn’t get mine & I am rebuilding & still writing but, allowing the dust to settle & making myself strong & my health & well being a priority.
I have forgiven the Soc for his inability to ‘feel’ & treat people properly as I would never want to be like him.
I choose to live a real & authentic life, full of love & empathy & realness, just like you Paula, I choose to grow 🙂
Love & Light & see you on the path of glory 🙂
PR xoxo
‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’, is a book about Mr Dark & souls being stolen!
Uh Hah…Big Uh Huh…:) 🙂
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Wow, PR. It won’t be long before Dr. Sociology is reaching out for your help. And the book is by Ray Bradbury, correct? I read it as a teenager. I should pick it up again and re-read it. Thanks for the reminder! ❤
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Paula,
I heard those words in my head continuously for 10 years & then my Soc would ring or appear (spooky).
I also did my cards recently & got the ‘Lovers’, a man choosing between two woman, one richly adorned, one naked (me)…the ‘The Wheel’ with the Pheonix on top of it & deciding to go up or down etc….the ‘The Hermit’, the wise old man & I am to follow his light etc…then ‘The Empress’, time to rebuild & take back my power 🙂 Yep, all coming through.
Watch the movie of ‘Something Wicked’ or look up Wikipedia for a description, blew my mind & to think, we all dated or married ‘Mr Dark’…oh & ‘Nightshade oh my!
My Soc was the 7 deadly sins all in one package & a very small package it was! LOL
Love & Light to all 🙂
PR xoxo
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All 7…my ex too! And the package was easy to sneeze at, also. Hehe!
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n the Book of Proverbs 6:16-19, among the verses traditionally associated with King Solomon, it states that the Lord specifically regards “six things the Lord hateth, and seven that are an abomination unto Him”, namely:[4]
A proud look
A lying tongue
Hands that shed innocent blood
A heart that devises wicked plots
Feet that are swift to run into mischief
A deceitful witness that uttereth lies
Him that soweth discord among brethren
Oh & he ate like a pig & licked his plate like a dog….what was I thinking???
Still, I did teach him manners when out in public 🙂
PR xoxo
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He was a real animal! At least he didn’t sting your eyes prancing around in turquoise bikini panties like my ex. That MUST be a sin listed in the bible somewhere. It’s gotta be. I honestly do not know how I kept a straight face. I was definitely part of the problem. Hehe!
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The Bikini OMG almost fell off my chair laughing LOL Paula, we have to laugh they are so ludicrous really!
Mine used to prance about naked like he was Adonis, but,was more like Danny Devito without hair 😉
LOL xoxo
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And he used female deodorant and wore perfume, not cologne. “No. He’s not a homosexual. No, he’s really not!” I don;t have enough fingers to count how many times I defended the fool against some rather obvious accusations. 🙂
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Mine always smelt nice & overpowering with the aftershave so, we couldn’t smell OW’s on him!!!
He gave us the same perfume to wear!!!
He had it all figured out. Like ships passing, the lipstick on the coffee cup, his sisters??
Oh & the earring in his bed, was his cleaners!!! His sister cleaned house for him & his daughter & I never asked if it was theirs…bet it wasn’t though (sigh)…lol what a game he plays…troll!
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P.S. that’s probably why yours wore female deodorant as well???
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Thank you always for sharing this Paula. My sociopath actually found a way to send me a message pleading with me to allow him back into my life so he can” help me through the heartbreak that” he caused me. Isn’t that a classic response?! I have since blocked that path to my life.
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Hehe! That is quite the sneaky way to renew the relationship and make it seem like he’s doing you a favor. Especially, since he’s so smart and wise and evolved, you know. What a privilege to be invited back. Pfft! 🙂
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For the record and especially for you and everyone in this blog, it was never easy to keep the narsoc from getting back in. He set himself up in my head for a very long stay, and if it wasn’t for these posts who shake me back to reality, I might have re-opened that door. For those presently in this situation, just believe these words because the narsoc learns exactly what you want, pretend to be just that, and then start the control. He had been playing with an ex (whom he still may be with) and me when I read a message from him to her. They had broken up about 14 times previously. I was the last one or an “in-betweener”. He tried to convince me that it was truly over and that I was the one he had always dreamed of, almost immediately even wanting to and offering to buy me a ring after we met. My gut feeling and his history with her made me look into his email that he forgot to log out of, when he suddenly to start getting a bit too busy to call. Sure enough, he was reassuring her that she was the one BUT, she had to change everything from her house,,her,neighborhood, etc, etc to not expecting flowers anymore because he didn’t have any more money (apparently spent on her and the two other women he was writing to,, because, except for flowers and our first dates it sure wasn’t me). Earlier that day he vowed eternal love to me on the phone. He hadalways told me that he thought she was bi-polar and truly crazy. Sound familiar?.
OK, I left, but for everyone in this situation, it’s not easy even knowing all of this. That’s because this person creates a persona so perfect to bait you by matching your every wish at first, and stays long enough to set the hook. I was lucky in my case to discover what he really was before making a major move in my life. He was demanding that it wouldn’t work unless I moved also.
It’s been three months since I’ve cut it off and during that time, he has found a way to reach me three times (once-a-month like a painful period) and I have held firm to have NO contact. It’s challenging at times, but the only way to get past and out of the web.
.
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Hi Anon,
The only true way to free yourself is by No Contact so, keep doing what your doing 🙂
I have been NC for 6 months officially as I still had contact re the discard from 10 months ago via the OW who discovered my existence & then ‘all hell broke loose’…yep, ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ & I went on the rampage for justice but, did it nicely 🙂
I hadn’t read about NC so, I made myself look la la but, was able to prove my point somewhat.
My Soc was the leader of the pack of high functioning Soc’s & like yours had many 😦
but, the creepiest thing was the control he had on his followers who contacted me to cover his trail, blew me away!
He collects Royal Doulton lady figurines & I am sure they represent his conquests etc…his son is his loyal enabler & collects ‘predator’ figurines & has them in big glass cases at the Soc’s house. The son lives with his mother to keep her under watch for the Soc & she has been trapped for ever 😦
I even passed his diploma so he could keep his ranking in his command job argh!!!
Keep going NC & have faith,you are never alone & we are on the path with you.
I’m the one with the diploma in crazy Soc’s & Narc’s but, we all have one 😉
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
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Another awesome post, Paula. Enjoyed seeing the e-mail he sent you. Always gives a context to these types of things. I think you are correct in that they always want us to be caged and contained.
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I was nervous about sharing the e-mail, because, on the surface, it seems harmless enough. But those who understand and have experienced the manipulations and cons of the sociopath will immediately recognize the language that gives him away. The language I fell for initially. 😦
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Oh yeah! I am so glad you shared (although I do understand your hesitation). It shows the fine line that is difficult to see until you know what you are looking for. great job!
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Paula, this was part of the email that the OW sent me,
Thanks for your full and frank email. Oh My God! Same same same. I have heard everything you say almost verbatim. I am looking forward to getting home so I can sort all of this out. Do all of his family know he has been cheating on us both? Please let me know who has been in on it. I do not blame them as of course their loyalty is to him – but it is good to know.
He told me he hardly ever sees you – sometimes weeks pass. He says he has not been intimate with you for months, he counsels you with your parenting concerns…. and he was waiting for the ‘right time’ to end it with you. Blah blah blah!!
FYI, I did not go to his mother’s funeral as I was overseas – he joined me overseas (New York) the next month after ostensibly visiting his cousin in Canada. Apparently Pam, who I have met briefly only once and is clearly uncomfortable with me, kicked up some sort of fuss and ‘offended’ his Italiano manhood at the funeral.
The woman in Canada, is not a cousin but, another OW, don’t know if the current has figured that out yet? The supposed cousin came for a visit & stayed with the Soc, I never met her. I hardly saw him when she was here, apparently he was showing his cousin the sights…yeah right!
Oh & he lied to me about his mothers funeral & told me the wrong day so, I couldn’t go & then had the temerity to come to my home after the funeral to perpetuate the lie & blame his ex-wife for his lie to me!!!
Oh & he’s not Italian, was born in the UK but, tells everyone he’s Italian…we argued about this as I said, I must be a Scottish/Tasmanian??? Go Figger LOL 😉
Such a silly malevolent little man, pure evil really!
PR xoxo
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OMG, PR! This is amazing! There really must be a playbook or chip imbedded into their brains that they all refer. 🙂
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Yep Paula, they use the words that work etc…& still she stayed???
Oh well, I am grateful that she opened the cage door for me & I actually got out & flew away 🙂
Still flying & boy is it great to be free from that delusional lunacy…he’s scurried off like the cockroach he is 😉
The OW sent this towards the end of our contact when I realized she was staying in the game 😦
I apologise for not having responded sooner to your heartfelt email (sent May 14). I understand and commiserate with your distress. I hope you do not think I was ignoring you. Rather, part of my own coping strategy has been to limit the time I allow myself to think about this whole sorry saga. I do not access my personal emails at work and have had a few evenings ‘off’ from emails and indeed thinking. So I did not properly read your email until yesterday.
Like you, I have never had problems with elevated blood pressure but my blood pressure is now significantly elevated and my doctor is monitoring it – if it is not significantly lowered by next week she will commence treatment. I would rather it lower itself. I am quite confident the heightened anxiety around our situation has
elevated my blood pressure.
I have been to my counselor but appointments are not as frequent as I probably need.
I will take my time to work through my responses to Socs unfaithfulness and I am not sure how it will unfold. What I do know is that I will remain in the driver’s seat of my own life. I hope and believe you will too.
You and I do not need to try and understand Soc’s motivations – that is the work he needs to do if he chooses. Trying to understand will simply do my head in and I am not willing to endure that.
This lady lectures/writes on Human Behavior & is at a University in my home town…go figger!
What a better subject for the Soc to glean from & take down to the depth’s with him like a crocodile 😦
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He surely has her feeling like she is the one twisting her knowledge to spite him!! I can’t even imagine the guilt this woman must live with every day. Little glimpses here and there. How he treats strangers and people out in public. Words he uses. Smug gestures he makes. That hand on his hip just before he says something patronizing and belittling. Yeah. She can keep him!
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Hell yeah!
You know, It doesn’t bother me that he’s gone.
It was more the revelation that I had been duped by a Soc, that really hurt my pride & I’m a Leo 😉 but, I picked myself up, dusted him off me & chose to move forward.
It’s been a huge battle but, at least I know that I’m fighting my own battle.
Just wish I’d known that he was battling me without my knowledge still, I know what he is & she know’s & he knows that we know what he truly is…knowledge has been a great gift & that is never a bad thing 🙂
I would love to know how the OW is but, that is not my problem.
She knows where I am if she needs me & naturally I will help her 🙂
I’m an empath after all 🙂
Keep up the great work Paula, you are an amazing lady & deserve nothing but the best life has to offer 🙂
PR xoxo
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Thank you, PR! I would help my ex’s future exes, too. I’m definitely at a much better place than I was three years ago…even two years ago! I think I could be unbiased. Hehe! It would be a hoot and extremely rewarding, I suspect, to help an ex NOT make the same mistakes I made. You surely could help this woman. I hope she isn’t too ashamed to reach out to you. Sociopaths make us feel ashamed about our faults, which makes reaching out so damn hard… ❤
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Paula, this was the last email she sent me below when I asked why she was staying?
I cannot answer your question as to why as I do not know myself – hopefully counselling will help with this. I have some strategies/interventions in place and am working on my peace of mind and getting some good professional help. I realise how weak I must seem to you and I have no excuse. I am endeavoring to regain my strength and I know I can take my time to recover.
May I suggest you have your sister-in-law contact Soc directly regarding her concerns about her car.
Can I ask you another question? Regarding your will (or former will), was Soc aware he was executor? Had he seen your will? Did he “help” you with drafting it?
Thanks PR . I appreciate your concern for me and I am glad you are in control of your life.
Warm regards
OW x
I edited out the names & the Soc did know he was executor & i had the copy as proof but, she did not want to see it?
The Soc sold my sister-in-law a car that was another dupe but, we did not realise till after the whole mess erupted. He sold me an ex’s car!!! Oh & he charged me more than it was worth…he’s a fireman & car dealer & told me he was doing me a huge favor & I stupidly trusted him 😦
I found an earring in that car also??? 😦
LOL gosh he was awful & evil….Mr Malevolence
PR xoxo
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Oh, my. She couldn’t even admit to the addiction she had that she fed by continuing on in the relationship instead of breaking the habit and really getting healthy. She’s fooling no one except herself and providing the sociopath with exactly the supply he needs to feel justified in his behavior.
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Yep, & she told me her first husband cheated but, she wanted him back.
So the Soc, knew that infidelity was not a ‘deal breaker’ for her so, tested it out by triangulating us both.
I am sure it was all deliberate but, he did not predict my reaction nor her actually contacting me (I don’t think?)
So you see, she passed his test of him having ‘total’ control as infidelity was my ‘deal breaker’ & we had discussed it many many times.
It wasn’t hers so, he will be gaming her & she will turn ‘a blind eye’ I suspect.
Or she will drink her way to oblivion as when we met, she had been hitting the bottle.
He always loved to try & get me drunk but, I always knew my limits & held them so, he never really ever knew me as well as he liked to think 🙂
The OW on the other hand, has told him everything so, her full vulnerabilities were evident & ripe for the picking.
He picked her up at a funeral of all places, one of his faves…met one of his OW’s after her husband passed over, & I knew her!
PR xoxo
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No. No. That’s just despicable! To know she has an issue with alcohol and uses it to self-soothe or forget. Possibly, she just doesn’t think she deserves better. Possibly, she has a past that she is ultimately ashamed of which he knows all her secrets. And by telling him all her secrets, she believes she has a serious confidant…someone who understands her pain. But all she has is another abuser who will destroy her. She will end up in a rehab center or psychiatric ward. It really saddens me. I’m sure the woman is lovely and smart. I’m also sure she has zero confidence or respect for herself to allow the sociopath so much access and control. 😦
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Yes, she is lovely & smart, is a Dr of Sociology at a major University so, yes she is ashamed & abused.
I knew as soon as I saw her & we exchanged gifts 🙂
I think she has major problems with her hearing as she wears hearing aids so, probably tunes out to the Soc.
He is into playing & collecting guitars but, only ever played the same ear deafening chords, Ta da da ta da da dah or something stupid like that.
Said he could play but, only ever played this mindless tune around me 😉
I felt very sorry for her & we hugged & I felt her pain & it was huge 😦
Still, she will have to work that out herself but, i hope she doesn’t waste her whole life on this creature?
It took me 29 years all up to really look at my dysfunctional life & really ‘get it’ finally!
Still I am here & feel very awakened & aware, never dreamt it was like this & it keeps growing & is utterly amazing 🙂
My intuitiveness blows me & others away so, I have raised my vibration to a much higher level 🙂
Namaste Paula, you are a true Earth Angel 🙂
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PR! My ex played the same tune on his guitar!!! Hehe! Unbelievable! Then he tried his fingers at the piano. Thank goodness for electric keyboards and head phones, if you know what I mean! 🙂
But seriously. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement and love knowing you’re out there finding an abundance of joy and that you’ve fine-tuned your intuition. It’s simply amazing, isn’t it?
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It is Paula & to think, they had to send us demon’s to realize our true calling as Earth Angels 🙂
I am know paying attention to all the messages & Meta-tron is telling me to tell you, he is with you always 🙂
Oh & watch your health as Raphael is also here, he is for health & well-being 🙂
Stay Angelic & I’ll meet you in the other realm when this life & our purpose has been met 🙂
I am sure we will recognize each other, we already do 🙂
PR xoxo
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We’ll have no problem recognizing each other. You’re correct. I have no doubt. And whenever your name pops up in my notifications, I see, in my mind’s eye, splashes of glowing shades of purple and pink!
And thank you for sharing Metatron’s message and reminding me to remain mindful of my health and well-being.
Peace and namaste! ❤
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Felt exactly the same way. Thanks for your words Phoenixrising and good luck and never lose being an “empath.”.
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