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I think the worst thing a person can do is pretend to care about us just to learn our secrets.

Sociopaths are masters at feigning concern.

They see us cry or become upset or emotionally withdrawn and desperately ask, “What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

And because we’re trusting and would never pretend to care about someone we recognize is hurting, we assume the sociopath before us (not realizing he/she is a sociopath) shares our same values and ethics. We open up and spill our guts never suspecting we’re sharing our soul with evil.

The sociopath only asks because knowing our pain makes him/her feel more superior. Knowing our weaknesses empowers the sociopath’s delusions further.

How? Why?

Well, a sociopath is unable to be introspective and recognize his/her own foibles as weaknesses. So when we open up about our weaknesses, the sociopath’s ego inflates. When the sociopath says, “Tell me more,” the sociopath is really saying, “Tell me more, so I can feel even more superior about myself.”

To a sociopath, being human is viewed as tasteless and messy. Of course, a sociopath would never admit to this because a sociopath thinks he/she is a superhuman and above even commenting on the state of the rest of us lowly beings.

(It makes me laugh thinking how stupid these fools really are about love and life. I think I laugh, because I’m deplete of tears crying over them.)

The sociopath’s fake concern is despicable and can cause many of us who have fallen prey to their fake concern to fear sharing or speaking out in the future.

I know I am guilty of bottling up my sorrows for fear I would be judged as the sociopath judged me. It took a great leap of faith to finally say, “No more!” to being silent.

But the fear never goes away. The fear of being misunderstood or appearing “less than” creeps in regardless of all the work we do to build our confidence and self-esteem.

The reality is that we are all subject to judgement and rejection every time we open our mouths and talk to other human beings.

Luckily, the percentage of caring people greatly out numbers the percentage of jerks in this world. So speaking and sharing is a chance I am willing to take, regardless of the fact that the personal demons and secrets I’ve shared in recent years have been used against me many times and not just by the boy in my story.

I’ve trusted too soon and/or trusted the wrong people.

It happens.

But those who prove they really care always offer advice, support and guidance. They never just sit their basking in the delight of knowing my private thoughts and biggest fears. And people who really care don’t judge me or try telling me I’m a sinner and should have done X, Y and Z instead. And they don’t run off and tell everybody what I shared in private.

Take inventory of the folks in your life who you’ve learned to trust or not to trust. Don’t continue to share with those who have clearly betrayed your trust. But never forget those who clearly respect your struggles and always seem to be there ready to listen.

When meeting new people, keep the conversation light and don’t share too much too soon. Your gut will help guide you. Just listen to it.

And never be like the sociopath and pretend you care about the sociopath’s struggles when you really don’t. We don’t have to care about what the sociopath does or becomes just because we think caring will make us better people. It’s probably better that we don’t care, keeping THAT door to hell closed forever! 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

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Join the conversation! 17 Comments

  1. He made me feel sick the other day when he told me ‘if a woman offers me money I will take it.’ But he failed to say how he actually does it. The woman doesn’t just offer money, food, a home etc. He plays the victim card – my wife threw me out (lie: he left when my money was gone), I’m ill, can’t work (lie, lie). You are the only woman (of hundreds!) who cares about me (lie: he told me he was in love with me (another lie but I believed him). I’m always faithful to my partner, no need for you to worry about that (lie: he’s given me 2 STDs and I’m faithful). He had 3 children but ran away each time the woman gave birth. I contrast that with my father’s attitude and how I grew up. He would never take a penny from a woman. He took care of my mother and his 3 children.

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  2. Kathleen, since they crave attention, when we ignore them they find it almost unbearable. It cuts off their supply of material to work with, twist and use against us. They need an element of truth to fabricate their lies effectively. My sister, whom I severed ties with 6 years ago, now has to resort to pumping my brother for information about me. She asked him “Why does xxx hate me? Not that I care, I’m just curious”. I told him to tell her if she doesn’t care, then why bother asking. But he went ahead and wrote her a response, which he never shared with me, but (he told me) he told her it stemmed from when she was born, an underweight baby, and our mother always protected her, and still does to this day. That didn’t come from me – he basically told her what he himself finds objectionable about her. The fact of the matter is, she knows why I hate her – her lying, manipulation and backstabbing. I didn’t actually hate her yet at the time, but now I do. At the time, I felt her being a sociopath wasn’t reason to hate her, I just realized what she is and accepted it. Kind of like, you don’t hate a snake for being a snake, you just know it’s a snake and can hurt you, so you avoid any contact with snakes and by so doing, never get bitten by one. But since then, she scapegoated me in front of my whole family for something she herself did. I told my mother it was a total lie, she asked me why I never confronted my sister about it, and I said because I didn’t care to hear any more of her lies. If I’ve learned anything over the past several years, it’s that confronting a sociopath about something they did is just an exercise in futility. I have lots of experience with that, and know what the outcome would be. So I saved myself the trouble and frustration, and just let my mom and brother know that what I was accused of doing was a total lie and hope they believe me, but not counting on it. My sister is a very experienced liar and can be very convincing. That happened a few months ago and caused my feelings to escalated to real hate. The only reason I have to have anything remotely to do with her now is that my mom is still living. Once she is gone I can rid myself of my sister entirely, and finally never have to even hear her name spoken again.

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    • I agree. After 6 months he questioned me so much about what I was doing etc. failing to tell me anything of his secret life. He’s a compulsive liar. Lies a lot by omission too.

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  3. Paula I think your a GENIUS!!! I do not even read blogs, but daughters father is a sociopath from like the Harvard school of sociopathy. I have NEVER experienced ANYTHING like it. It was a whole new world, but your blogs helped me understand not only Sociopaths, but what what was in me to attract this person and most importantly how to move on successfully and still co-parent with him. One positive is that was such a catastrophic Monstrosity that my next lover will be perfect to me just for being human! I’m gonna love harder and appreciate EVERYTHING about him!

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    • I so glad you found my blog and it has helped you, TL! We deserve love and happiness and we WILL discover it. 🙂

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    • ‘Harvard school of sociopathy’ I haven’t laughed at all in the last 12 months due to my world caving in finding out my husband is a lying, cheating narcissistic sociopath, but you’ve broken my drought! One of the things he has done (for over 25 years) is lie on his resume about having a business degree – he dropped out after one semester. But now I know he has a honorary degree – yours and mine both share the same ‘education’. And he got straight A’s in every subject – control, humiliation, secrecy, manipulation… I have been searching the Internet for information and support, but this is the place where I could have written a lot of these posts by Paula, they describe my experiences so exactly. Thank you for reinforcing my sanity as I try to find a way out.

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  4. Hmf. I swear all my Ex did, the entire time we were married was “feign to care”.

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  5. I first became aware of how my family picked people apart behind their backs when I was about 17 and spent some time with my boyfriend’s family. It’s funny when you’re immersed in a family that continuously backstabs eachother – it’s such an everyday occurrence it becomes habit and you really don’t notice it happening until you step away from it. I couldn’t help but notice how my boyfriend’s family never said a negative word about anyone. They had pleasant dinnertime discussions and never made any negative comments aimed at anyone, in or outside of their family. My family, in contrast, would badmouth anyone that wasn’t in the room, including my siblings and me, and all present would all chime in to be part of the “pack”. Really a lot like a pack of wolves!! My parents raised us to rat on eachother and growing up we were rewarded for tattling. They raised us to be loyal and respectful of them, but not of eachother. I now (40+ yrs later) have come to believe my parents were both sociopaths to some degree, and my sister is a highly-skilled sociopath, devoid of conscience with well-honed lying and manipulation skills. My parents have always acted as her enablers, providing her with unconditional backup for her deeds, and to this day believe every lie that comes out of her mouth. It has caused a lot of trouble, and poisoned a lot of otherwise healthy relationships within my family. My sisters-in-law were demonized, along with my husband because they were “outsiders”. Then they were blamed for any discord within the family. My mom at one point said her family was being torn apart by “outsiders”, they were always the scapegoats for anything that went awry. It’s very sad and the result is a fragmented family whose members don’t trust eachother. One thing that you can be sure of is that if family is criticizing a family member in their absence, you know the same thing is happening to you when your back is turned. Growing up in a family like this has been so painful and destructive, but I have made a conscious effort to raise our children differently. Adults now, they still voice complaints to me about eachother, and although I will listen and acknowledge, I try my best to not engage in any negative discussion about either of them with the other. We all have our faults, why would you want to pick your “loved ones” apart??? It’s just sick.

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    • I think my post was a little off-topic…sorry. I’m not sure what part or your post, Paula, led me to write my comments to this post, but I think it was the whole topic of sociopaths extracting information from us and then using it against us behind our backs. Sorry if I got a little “out there” in my response. I very much enjoy reading your “pontifications” as they touch on aspects of my life in many ways. Keep ’em coming!!

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    • I think it’s wonderful that you commented as you did. I am guessing that your reflection on your family’s propensity to bash and speak negatively about people, all people, behind their backs was sparked by the part where I write about how the sociopath likes knowing about our secrets and weaknesses so they feel superior. There is no other reason any of us talks negatively about others than to feel better about ourselves. Sociopaths do it frequently and with zero remorse. It’s their favorite pastime. And you are proof that nurture has little effect on us when we are born (our nature) with a conscience and with the capacity to empathize. Thank you for commenting and sharing your insight! 🙂

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    • Wow, this sounds exactly like my family. They spend get-togethers bad-mouthing people, complaining, and basically talking negatively the whole time. I have finally made the decision that I need to separate myself from them, which is what they want anyways since it is I who has been the scapegoat for years. Now, at least they’ll have me to talk about and might leave others alone. 🙂

      I’ve never understood the “wolf-pack” mentality. Why can people not think for themselves?

      Signed,
      Healing somewhere in Canada

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    • I think ugly acts and deeds need a higher degree of validation. Probably why they can’t stand to be alone. 🙂

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  6. my ex admitted he has never, ever cried. Before I knew about sociopaths/narcissists I assumed he thought it was not manly to cry, but now know the real reason. The confusion comes when he plays the victim all the time to get sympathy. Also he never, ever asks about the other person. I am even his (soon to be ex) wife and cannot remember him ever caring or even pretending to care. At least I know about these odd people now. I’ve had no contact for 6 days. He’s texted twice and called my phone once. I’ve ignored it. I imagine he can’t believe I haven’t been the needy ‘wife’ he thought I was.

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    • Did he ever pretend to care about any of your needs or relationships when you first started dating him? They’re definitely good at feigning to be the victim; they’re more convincing than the actual victims who are just angry by the time we figure out what these fools truly represent: plain evil. 🙂

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    • All conversations centred around him. He never noticed if I was ill or down. Never asked after my welfare at all. Poor him. Victim. Within weeks he knew I had some money and started telling me how good he was at business and that he could make more if I gave him so many thousands then more and more. He lost it all. He was always the victim, never responsible for anything. He lost and used my 50 years’ life savings then left me. No shame. No guilt. He pretended to be in love with me, then when he got me feeling love for him he moved in with me and turned against me. We’ve been separated 2 years. I tried to stay on friendly terms but he won’t work, plays the victim, tries to take, take, take. He slept with many women, then lies saying he didn’t. He slanders me. Pretends to be a christian. Tells people I follow him and it’s not my business as we’re only friends. He was actually in my bed again. Then I realised how evil he is. He thought how needy I still was. I went along with all his lies then thought of a way to set up no contact. He said he would spend New Year’s Eve 2013 with me so that I ‘wouldn’t be lonely.’ That was my chance to get rid forever. I waited until 8.30 pm hoping he would already be at a party or with another woman, then I called his house. Thank goodness he was out. I emailed his iphone. When are you coming round? I have some wine and cooked for you. I can’t afford for you to disappoint me again. He immediately texted me – I told you last week I was spending NYE with my friend. Then at midnight he texted ‘happy new’ missing off ‘year’ as he would be drunk or high on his drugs. I ignored it. 1st January 2014 he texted – are you at war with me again like last time we had problems and you’re not speaking? I ignored it. Today 6th January 2014 he called my house phone – I ignored it. I know he can’t believe I’m not chasing him or answering my phone. You’re right. These fools are more convincing than actual victims – bad back, no money, all ex’s (hundreds) are bad and cheated on him etc. If I am with him, I believe his lies until I am alone and think about it. He makes up stupid ‘crimes’ I’ve supposed to have committed – affairs, gifts for people he doesn’t know, using my phone(!). It’s so ridiculous he accused me of using the house phone in the bedroom. There isn’t even a phone in there! It’s actually him who does all this stuff but shifts the blame to me. It’s better not to be with this evil, parasitic, promiscuous loser. I just feel sorry for his current and future victims. I’m now friends with one of his ex mistresses. He owes her £1,000 but would owe her a lot more if I hadn’t warned her. He wasn’t sure if another £5,000 would be enough. He’s such a good actor she wouldn’t believe me for months. Then she sent me a letter – I should have believed you – it was too late – he got my money and my heart. Another woman put money in his bank account after he visited her with a bottle of wine promising to live with her. It should be a crime – trawling the internet daily for victims. EVIL MONSTER!

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    • Wow, Kathleen, you encountered a real con man there, and glad to hear you made your escape! It’s so futile to forewarn anyone that hasn’t already been a victim of a sociopath of the true destruction they are headed for. They simply can’t understand until reality slaps them in the face. By that time, plenty of damage has already been done to the victim. At least your warning to his next victim was heeded, if a little late. You were so smart to sever ties with him once you woke up to the reality of what you were dealing with. A quote I live by now is: “When someone shows you WHO they are, believe them!!” My instinct always steered me away from evil people and I never really had to deal with one until I woke up one day and realized my sister had been an evil force in my life all along. I just never recognized it. I was blinded by the fact that she was my sister and who would ever think that your own sister would be plotting against you throughout your life? I found myself constantly giving her the benefit of the doubt when she would pull something. She took full advantage of my naieveté and trusting nature. I feel like a fool, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn’t be ashamed of the fact that I was vulnerable to her abuse specifically because I was a good, trusting, conscientious person. You and I – and all of us victims here – were targeted for that very reason, and that’s nothing we should be ashamed of or feel foolish for. But we tend to anyway.

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    • Thanks middlechild. An update is – I did 6 months’ no contact then bumped into him in a shop. He immediately headed straight for me, blaming me for having no contact as I was jealous of his ‘friends.’ I just kept calm and said I wasn’t. Anyway as he will not stay away I am now giving him his BS right back. I no longer love him so it’s easy. He seems confused now! He’s ill every day (weekdays only), texts me everyday (except Saturday and Sunday). Then Sunday night he sends a tentative text to see if I will become emotional about his ignoring me for 2 days every week to make sure I still ‘care.’ I just answer normally as though nothing unusual has happened. He sees how happy I am and gets confused by my not being jealous. He wants me to chase him. I won’t. I’m stronger and he doesn’t understand. I might have lost my life savings and heart to him but I’m over it. It feels like I’m winning now by not loving him and him still being ‘ill’, no money, lonely etc. Wow. I never thought I would be in this strong position.

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