I am guilty of compromising myself in the past when it came to trying to let go of mean and selfish people.
The injustice of never receiving closure and an explanation of how they could be so cruel simply ate away at me until I exploded.
I always thought their silence and refusal to talk with me was because I had done something that caused that person to behave in a mean and selfish way towards me. I always thought I could just undo that “thing” I did or said, apologize for it and the person acting mean and selfish would open up to me and share their feelings with me, resulting in some sort of mutual understanding.
Unfortunately, I was wrong on many occasions about this.
Probably because I used to think that everyone was good-hearted deep down.
I used to think people who acted in mean and selfish ways just needed a little nudge in the “be nice” direction.
I used to think by practicing patience and hope, those mean and selfish people would stop treating me and others in mean and selfish ways.
Today, I am not as naive as I once was.
Today, I confidently understand and believe that there are some people who just enjoy being mean and selfish. And no matter how much I cry or beg them to be nicer, more understanding and more forgiving, I can’t make them stop being mean and selfish.
Are these people mean and selfish because they don’t have a conscience?
Who knows? They could have been born without one, or they could have been born with one, and their childhood or circumstances conditioned their consciences to go into long-term hibernation or something. Who in the world can know for certain and why should we really care? Let their therapist figure that one out.
What I do know with absolute certainty is that I have a life to live. And I will do what I must do to protect that life from mean and selfish people whose only purpose is to cause destruction in the lives of all they touch.
Moving forward, I have made a promise to remove myself from the line of sight of mean and selfish people.
But there are two things I must NOT do when I make the decision to let go of mean and selfish people:
1. I must resist the urge to lash out and tell the mean and selfish person that he/she sucks. Me telling them that I think they suck just makes me look mean and selfish, too. I don’t need to deal with that unnecessary guilt.
2. I must resist the need to explain to the mean and selfish person why I think she/he is mean and selfish. I don’t owe him/her anything. The mean and selfish person never earned the right to know why I believe he/she is mean and selfish and unable to change.
Besides, mean and selfish people just try turning our reasoning on its head to make them look good and us look mean and selfish.
So it’s not important to explain to mean and selfish people why we don’t take their calls, reply to their emails, or attend their parties.
It’s not as if doing so will bring some sort of enlightenment to our lives. After all, once we engage in trying to explain ourselves to mean and selfish people, we get sucked into their worlds again. And their worlds are equivalent to being in hell, remember?
Instead, let the mean and selfish people go quietly and with as little drama as possible. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your life joyfully grows and positively changes. And the changes are permanent as long as you don’t let another mean and selfish person infiltrate your peace.
P.S. Mean and selfish people never ask themselves, “Am I mean and selfish?”
(They might ask their current victim if the current victim thinks they’re mean and selfish, but that’s just to gauge the new victim’s empathy and ability to be manipulated .)
Mean and selfish people generally know they’re mean and selfish but don’t care if they hurt any one. After all, mean and selfish people think they win in life by being mean and selfish and believe it’s your fault for choosing to be hurt by them.
You’re just a sore loser in the eyes of mean and selfish people.
Isn’t it funny how clear they make it for us when we know how to recognize the smoke screens and blow past them? 🙂
© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications