Open door to survival from sociopath abuse

Sociopaths repeatedly and effortlessly find loving and caring people.

Why and how do they do it?

First, Sociopaths need good people to camouflage their shittiness from the world. The more loving, giving, religious, charitable and/or respected their significant other, the more likely the sociopath will succeed in gaining his own reputation for being the same type of good person his significant other spent years establishing.

(Remember, sociopaths are the biggest and most successful cheaters on the planet! They can do it remorselessly and believe they deserve it and earned it honorably.)

Plus, the more people the sociopath’s significant other has surrounding her, the more protected the sociopath feels.

The delusional sociopath automatically considers his significant other’s friends his friends and will use them to cowardly hide behind while getting away with his insidious abuses.

(Think of churches, clubs, community service groups and even yoga studios and gyms where people come together to reach collective goals as a community or team.)

And sociopaths seem to have amazing radar for finding people like this, the absolute opposite of themselves.

Sociopaths hone in on and find the most empathic and forgiving individuals among us. They seek us out, because we serve as safe havens for the sociopath’s diabolical nature.

People who are natural nurturers. People who are good mothers or good fathers. People who take care of the emotional needs of friends and family. People who take on the burdens of the ones they love.

And people like this are not necessarily co-dependent.

Often times, people like this have gone their entire lives without falling prey to sociopaths. We have made friends, loved and lost and experienced the natural highs and lows of love and grief.

Victims of sociopaths aren’t relationship ignorant. We understand what healthy relationships should look like. We know love is about give and take. We also know that relationships take time, effort and work as the relationship grows and evolves.

Knowing this is one of the reasons many of us stuck around longer than we should. We held out hope that the sociopath understood love, too.

We thought the sociopath needed a little nudge and prodding in the right direction. We thought modeling patience and understanding is all the sociopath needed to awaken his sleeping compassion and empathy. So we practiced great patience with the sociopath . After all, we didn’t wish to seem cruel and unreasonable if we walked away abandoning the sociopath after just a few arguments and misunderstandings.

We gave the relationship, not necessarily the sociopath, many chances.

So, no, we were not all co-dependent. Entering the toxic relationship with the sociopath thrust us into behaving in ways characteristic of co-dependency.

We made excuses for the sociopath, and early in the relationship, we agreed with the sociopath when he claimed others didn’t like him because they were jealous of him.

This degree of co-dependency came from being with the sociopath too long. And we stayed too long because our nature dictated us to only look at the good despite the sociopath continuously pushing and destroying our boundaries, while simultaneously giving us empty apologies and false promises that he/she would change.

And because we are highly empathic and understand that love is patient, we gave the sociopath chance after chance to change his/her way of thinking about us. We held out hope that the sociopath’s demands and expectations of how we SHOULD love them would ease and align with reality.

(No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Shaming and blaming and relentlessly pushing a person to the edge of sanity is not love.)

Unfortunately, the only thing that changed was our faith in ourselves. We interpreted the sociopath’s perpetual lack of understanding as our inability and failure to demonstrate our full capacity to love.

So we kept trying and prooving ourselves worthy. We gave the sociopath more and understanding than we had ever given to another human. Ever. And it still didn’t make a difference. The sociopath remained unchanged.

We exhausted ourselves to the point of losing sight of what real love looked like.

We lost our ability to overcome and mutually work through relationship issues and road blocks. We questioned our ability to love, care and forgive, because the sociopath relentlessly diminished us for reacting emotionally and normally to his hatefulness.

If the sociopath had his way, we would have simply submitted and allowed him to think and act just as he wished to think and act, regardless of the harm and abuse he inflicted.

The irony of the sociopath’s wish for us to stop reacting so emotionally lies in the simple fact that he coveted us in the beginning because we ARE so emotional and caring. If we had been void of emotions, we never would have attracted the sociopath into our lives in the first place.

So the more the sociopath demanded that we become like him and learn to relax and let things roll off our backs, the more we attempted to do that.

And what’s the first thing we started relaxing about? Yup. You guessed it. We started reacting less and less to the sociopath’s negative criticisms of us, and we submitted less and less to the sociopath’s whims.

And when we did this, the rage became even greater. Initially, this caused us great confusion:

“You asked me to stop caring so much, remember? You asked me to stop stressing and being so emotional. So I am trying.”

But we learned quickly that the sociopath is not only hateful, but he is also the biggest hypocrite we’ll ever encounter.

For the sociopath to remain happy and without rage, we must remain detached from our emotions unless those emotions somehow benefit the sociopath.

We must laugh, cry and get frustrated only when the sociopath deems those emotions necessary and just. All other emotions we feel are judged and vilified by the sociopath.

You see, any emotions or reactions we have must be born of the sociopath and only according to his will. The sociopath thrives on our emotional reactions to him. The sociopath feeds on the drama our emotions generate. So if we no longer reacted to him emotionally, he no longer received the drama he thrived; he lost his life source in us!

(The same principles that guide a schoolyard bully’s behaviors.)

In the sociopath’s delusional attempts to force us to become numb to all things that normally illicit emotional reactions in us, we also became numb to the sociopath and his manipulations.

The numbness overtook us one day, more than likely in the middle of one of the sociopath’s rages.

(What an insult to the sociopath’s nature!! How dare we become numb to him?!?!?)

Instead of fighting or running away like we had done so many times in the past, we sat emotionless and quietly “took it” instead.

Becoming numb is essentially the “freeze” mode of our “fight/flight/freeze” response to threatening situations. In our numbness, we fully rejected the drama that drove the sociopath’s behavior and abuses against us.

We didn’t realize it in the moment, but our ability to go numb was a beautifully disguised clue that we could survive without the sociopath’s approval and acceptance. We CAN detach. But we were too numb to understand this fact as it was happening.

Do you remember when you first became numb? It is not a sign of heartlessness. It’s a sign of strength and your ability to self-protect.

Our last resort is becoming numb and detached. It doesn’t feel good or natural to us. That’s why we question it.

But we realize, eventually, that becoming numb is not a heartless act. We finally learn what being heartless really is:

Heartless is cheating and manipulation.

Heartless is behaving and responding to those you claim to love without empathy, compassion or a conscience.

Heartless is driving another to detach from all others except oneself.

Heartless is the sociopath you escaped.

Namaste!
~Paula

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/185421709627994995/)

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

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Join the conversation! 54 Comments

  1. By the grace of someone that is trying to direct me to a better life….I stumbled onto this site. For the last 5 years of my now 28 year marriage, I knew my marriage to this once prince charming, was all but a farce. When my husband & I met, I was still in love with a former boyfriend. A boyfriend that didn’t feel the same about me. My husband hounded me day in, day out, like he was trying to conquer the love inside me. He knew I was still in love with my former boyfriend, and I think this only charged him to not give up on my love, my heart. Eventually he did conquer my heart. That was it. He finally had me. I had fallen in love with this man that had wooed me with every kind of woo imaginable. He came from a very affluent family, with many means of wealth. That never attracted me to him. I came from a family that wasn’t poor, but wasn’t wealthy. We all worked from when it was legal to work. College was not talked about. Work was talked about. Not to mention, I was a beauty. I didn’t think so (no one in my family ever let on to that, not even my mother). People would tell me how gorgeous I was. Now that I think about it, Many boys were always trying to be my boyfriend during my high school days, but thats when I had my unloving boyfriend that I simply adored to the end of the earth. I guess I’ve always been the loving, giving, nurturing person, but I don’t know where that came from. My parents didn’t give me that, they were always working. I had two brothers, but they were 9 and 11 years older than me. I was like an only child growing up. I still don’t know how I became this person with no rendering of that. I guess I was always looking for it, and when I didn’t get it at home, I decided I’d be the person to give it to anyone, hoping that they would give it back to me. This is where my husband saw this young, innocent girl, looking for love, acceptance and willing to give it all back to him no matter what he had in store for me. He found the perfect girl. Beautiful in every way. He hit the jackpot. I never saw it coming.
    We had a roaring, loud, sexual (the most addicting sex ever!) 6 year courtship. Not once did either of us mention getting married during this 6 year relationship. Not once!. Then one day, my mother mentioned to me that it was time for us to make a commitment to each other. I said, ” what kind of commitment?”. She said, “like getting engaged!”. I told my husband what my mother had implied and he then asked me, “well, what should we do?”,(we were wanting to go out of town with each other for a get together with friends), I then told him, “I guess she means that we need to make a real commitment, like getting engaged.” He then said, “let’s go get a ring now so we can still go out of town together (I still lived at home at 24 years old!!)…then 2 1/2 years later we were married, and 5 years later, we had produced 2 beautiful boys that I raised myself into wonderful, smart young men. Men that may have been affected by my husband’s sociopath behavior.
    So her I am. 28 years later, finally realizing that our marriage is a farce. Like every other person married to a sociopath, you always think it’s going to get better. You make every excuse for them. You try loving and understanding them more. You isolate yourself for them. They have you thinking that your the one that has the problem, not them. They make your family think your crazy. They make their family think your crazy. They even attempt to make your children think your crazy. You almost do think you are crazy, but I come back to my senses all the time by just thinking things through and by being the loving, patient, once very intelligent person i once was. I realize all the good things I have done for all of us. All the fun, memorable times I made for our boys (alone). All the good friends that are still waiting for me to realize what I’m up against. I’ve been telling my husband that something is really wrong with him. He doesn’t touch me, kiss me, or hug me. He mentally tortures and annoys me daily. He doesn’t want sex with me anymore. He claims he’s overweight, but when he see’s porn magazines or movie porn or if I just talk to him about sexual fantasy’s, like a threesome, (which we’ve never done yet) or anything to that magnitude, he is instantly aroused and wants to have sex with me. He has to be consistently, visionally stimulated for him to keep his erection. This is so tiring and not to mention, hurtful. He never tells me I’m pretty. He never makes eye contact with me. He loves to be with other people, with me at home, always waiting for him. He always lies to me where he’s been. There is just too much more…and I’ve taken enough room on this blog. Someone out there please tell me that it’s not me. What do I do? Where do I start? How do I start? Anything will help me on the road to recovery…..And the scary thing is, I feel like one of my son’s is showing attributes of his father. I have to stop this quickly…before he tortures his wife of 2 years into 28, like me.

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    • Anonymous, I am so sorry. Why would you think it’s you? Are you the one lying, failing to make eye contact, withholding affection, and being down right deceptive? No. It’s not you. You wouldn’t be reaching out and writing your story on this blog if you didn’t already know with certainty that you needed to take action to change your situation. So the next question you want to ask yourself is “What am I willing to sacrifice today for a better tomorrow?” Your entire life is going to change, but I think you’re ready. 🙂

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    • Sweet heart… IT IS NOT YOU. in reading a couple posts here I’ve discovered that my story is the same as yours and another one and I’m sure many more. These men have sucked our very being right out of us. But reading all of this and realizing the sick truths about them makes me feel confident that I will be ok. In knowing all of this I was still so heartbroken and sad and missing him. But really…. What is there to miss? Nothing. It was ALL lies and manipulation. Nothing was genuine. Nothing was real. For me, this has been very helpful. I’m so sad that this man that I loved so dearly is suffering from such a horrible disorder. Actually, he’s really not suffering, we are. I am going to be ok. You are going to be ok. You are. Please find yourself thru some creativity or music or gardening. Something you can dive into. It’s taking me baby steps and I find myself still missing him. But what an I really missing? I’m missing the idea of what I thought we were. When I get sad or can’t breathe over the heart ache… First I bring myself to the present. I narrate where I am what I’m doing even what I’m wearing. I remind myself that I’m here in the present, in the kitchen doing dishes, listening to the radio, wearing jeans and a blue shirt…. Then I say my affirmations… I love and approve of myself. I am happy healthy and successful, I AM SAFE AND WORTHY NOW. I repeat this for hours of I have to. This affirmation has saved my life a million times.
      Much love to you.

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    • Thank you, anonymous. Your affirmation is beautiful. I hope readers consider using it for themselves. 🙂

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  2. I recall the moment I recognised I had become numb to him – we had broken up after travelling for 7 months overseas, during which time our relationship grew into a particularly unhealthy form (which I have since recognised and labelled as emotionally abusive). I remember him criticising me for “putting walls up,” and failing to show him compassion, all things I found really hurtful at the time. But remember clearly thinking that I didn’t have to do this anymore, the fight was over for me, I would be going home soon.

    And home I went. To a place where I was surrounded by people I loved and who loved me; to safety and comfort; where I truly felt I got my life back.

    Thankyou for your beautifully worded piece.

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  3. […] Becoming Numb to the Sociopath and Opening the Door to Survival. […]

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  4. Paula, reading this blog was like reading all my own emotions and experiences as if I had written it. I moved to another country away from all my family and friends to be with this smart, handsome and charming man. We met at a students conference and although we lived in different countries he swept me off my feet almost on a daily basis. He made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world and with all kinds of promises, hopes and dreams for our future he managed to convince me to move countries for him. I now see he was planning to isolate me in a country that wasn’t his nor mine where we only had each other. I have always been fiercely independent, never needy or clingy and so sure of myself but within months I found myself completely co-dependant. I soon discovered a lot of red flags couple with the realisation that my prince charming had a severe gambling problem. Being the naive pisces I am, always wanting to care and fix others, I stood by him took loans from banks to help him, believed he could change and that everything would be alright. But of course it wasn’t, he promised he would give it up but didn’t stop and lied to me all the time about it and got into fits of rage when I caught him out. He somehow had the power at the end of the argument to make me feel like I was the one in the wrong, I was “spying” on him, “invading his personal space” etc. his defelections always led to me feeling the need to apologise. I don’t know why I didn’t run then because it only got worse. Next came the cheating. The insults, the cold callousness. He pushed my limits to a point where I didn’t know myself anymore and as soon as I plucked up the courage to leave him he came back crying, begging for forgiveness, threatening to commit suicide. I was only 24, in a country without my support system, i didn’t know what to do. I was too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family, I was in financial trouble. What choice did I have but to believe he had some kind of a breakdown and he was going to change and fix everything? I took him back and hated myself for it. As soon as I began to heal he did it again. Exactly a year later. By this point I had friends in my new home country, I felt safer, more secure, I told myself I wouldn’t let him do this to me but again I failed myself. I wasn’t strong enough. In everyone else’s eyes we were the perfect couple, I had set up a small business which was thriving, I had made a great group of friends, I was strong and independent, but at home I was criticised all the time. I was told I was overweight even though I was no where near it, I got no help, picked up his underwear and socks off the floor twice a day because he was too lazy. Did everything that needed to be done without asking for his help because it would only lead to an argument in which he would say cruel things and show no remorse. He would see me cry and not care one bit. He’d look at the computer when I spoke to him and avoid eye contact to belittle me even while I was hysterical. It’s not been another year and I just experienced that numbness. Hes tried to rid me of my ability to feel emotion and he’s succeeded and with this I’m finally strong enough to rid him from my life. Thank you for your words of encouragement Paula. I hope you found happiness.

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    • Thank you, Stephanie. You’re strong. PLease don’t define yourself by the temporary lapse into co-dependency behavior. To a small degree, we are all dependent upon the ones we love and that we entrust our safety and security. We simply got fooled into thinking these people were worthy of our trust.

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  5. I remember the day, the hour, the place, and the event. During one particularly nasty rage attack I finally just folded my arms and told her ” I am not fighting anymore. this is getting us nowhere” That’s when she kicked me where the sun don’t shine and then threatened to call the cops on me.

    The next weekend she approached me for sex and I told her we have to talk about the fight we had a couple nights ago. She said ” what fight?” I told her the one 3 nights ago where you kicked me in the N-Ts and then threatened to call the cops on me. She said ” I don’t know what you are talking about” I was never intimate with her again and she filed for divorce 3 months later after numerous hoovering tactics failed until she apologized for that fight. She never did. Its been over 18 months since that day and I am still broken. Your articles really do help put everything in perspective for me. My mind understands but my heart is still trailing behind.

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    • I went through a lot of the same behavior with, at the time, narcissistic husband. I Endured his behavior for 30 years, always convincing myself that I was the one at fault for all the drama. Today I know it was not my fault. I am on a journey to reclaim myself through forgiveness and love. I do this for Me.
      ~Victoria~

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    • It has been five weeks since I broke up with my sociopath boyfriend. It was three years of horrible hell and I felt like I lived in a foggy forest. I was always trying to navigate his lies and survive his insults. He insulted every aspect of my life and being. I found him posting ads on Craigslist to solicit sex with women. He came up with many of lies and then accused me of being a paranoid crazy bitch. That was the final straw as he had potentially put my health at risk. I read these series of blogs and I feel validated for the first time in three years . That was exactly how I was treated. Thank You Nameste~

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    • I’m so glad you’ve finally been validated, Starr. It’s all uphill from here. 🙂

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  6. Reblogged this on antonietted and commented:
    What confuses me is the other woman he’s with 2 months after me( he was seeing other people and ordering up hookers) he’s 41 and she is 24. Very pretty has a 2 year old he has 3 kids that don’t live with him. She has no job, hardly any education, no car, no money, and verbally and physically abuses my ex ha ha. His friend stooped by and told me this because my ex was telling him that he missed me and regretted leaving me. I have a business I’m 42 finacially stable and my own place. Sociopaths are all about whats in it for them Paula why is he taking care of this woman? I’m really confused cause my ex says he a millionaire and only associated with successful people, his false self is retired navy seal( not true of course) what he getting out of this? Oh and they’ve both moved in with his 60 year old friend cause they got evicted! Can you shed some light. He has never tried to contact me cause I called him out on his lies.

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    • I think you answered your own question. What’s in it for him? Her youth, beauty, sex, an opportunity to remain relevant as a man and possibly an opportunity to “save” her from her financial distress. And those are just the surface explanations. You don’t know what she’s telling him. She could be saying she has a settlement pending. Money coming in. You just never know. But what you do know is that these people operate from an agenda…plain and simple. He has created a vision in his head about this woman and her value to him.

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    • Thanks Paula and Antonietted for your encouragement and understanding words. I am starting the unraveling process and am definitely wondering how I could of been so blind to his lies. I am strangely finding comfort in knowing he never loved me. It is helping me to not respond to his emails. Today is the first day in over a month he has not contacted me. I am hoping he has moved on like a true sociopath.

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  7. For the first time someone has said we are not co- dependent yeah Paula I’ve been looking for something like this for 7 months thank you! I’m a strong woman he lived bombed me and when he started to detach at about 4 or 5 months ( stopped initiating sex or affection) of course I questioned in a nice way I was concerned. He was on pain pills from a bad injury and stressed from work. Do you leave someone who’s going through a hard time? Or when they don’t have money because they were identity theft, or they lie so well and are good at it that u give the one you love the benefit of the doubt? It took me a year and half to catch on that he was doing this on purpose he was passive agressive never dealt with someone like this before. You are so right in this post this is how I tried to explain it to family and friends but no one got it. When it was finally over and he discarded me I found the dating websites, got a report on him and the lies and cheating I was in shock! I got out Paula in the end I got out and that’s strength, I loved this person and knowing I can never be with him, touch him , talk to him, is strength!

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    • Exactly! You know how I finally came to the conclusion most of us are NOT co-dependent by default? I started reading “Co-dependent No More” and kept shaking my head. I don’t tolerate people who aren’t self-accountable. I got into big trouble inside the relationship for challenging his behavior and attitude. When I challenged him, that’s when I’d be shamed and blamed. That’s when I wanted to prove he was wrong about me and that he simply needed more time to understand. Haha! We could give them all the time in the world, couldn’t we, and they’d never think outside of their controlling delusions.

      Do you tolerate your own self-destructive behavior? No! So why would you tolerate another’s. We can’t be co-dependent AND be independent at the same time. Only if we make excuses for ourselves and our bad behavior will we enable another person’s bad behavior. In an abusive relationship, where we are the abuser’s muse/drug there is only one co-dependent relationship: the abuser for his victim. The abuser needs us; we do not need the abuser. From the moment the abuser’s mask drops, we attempt to escape. But the abuser continues blaming and shaming us for even thinking about walking away. So we hang around not realizing that we are the abuser’s drug. This makes us temporarily co-dependent only because we somehow feel like we need the adviser to validate our existence, when, in reality, just by sticking around validates the abuser’s abuse!! As soon as we remove ourselves from the chaos, the remnants of that temporary co-dependency fades naturally. We don’t have to be reprogrammed against being co-dependent in other relationships! I prefer calling the temporary co-dependent characteristics we take on our fog, which is directly linked to our cognitive dissonance and the trauma bond that is formed. 🙂

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    • I too believe I am not co-dependent. I am a strong independent woman. I own my own house have a good paying job and am currently in the process of getting my masters. He found me at a weak point in my life (going through a divorce) and my boundaries were loose. He had just gotten his tech certificate when I met him so he was in the process of looking for work . The work in three years never materialized beyond posting craiglist ads to get computer work. Whenever I suggested putting out resumes he called me a materialistic bitch. He found odd jobs like helping an elderly lady (aka using her for $). The whole parasitic lifestyle was his trademark. Even though I was the single parent he never once offered me support. He stayed at my house most of the week not enough to pay for anything though. As it has only been 5 weeks I am looking for answers and reflecting on the emotional abuse constantly inflicted on me. The posts about deflection hit home. He was always calling me a whore and slut bitch. Even though it was him I caught cheating. He had ads soliciting sex on Craigslist yet I was the whore. Anything I confided to him or any flaw was thrown in my face during every fight. I had gone through a traumatic experience at my work and he used this information to suggest it was my fault the event occurred. I knew this was not true but he was chipping away at my confidence and self esteem. I blocked him on my phone however he still emails me. The emails fluctuate between out downs to I love you and nothing will stop me from getting you back. I am so grateful I found this information it has helped me not feel alone and so ashamed. I kept wondering why I kept putting up with him. The grips of a sociopath are that tight. I am do glad I broke free. I feel I can breathe and the feeling of dread is starting to go away. I know I can heal. I am strong!

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    • I’m so glad you feel confident in the belief that you will overcome and heal…you will!! It starts with a little validation and a lot of self-awareness and belief and trust in yourself. 🙂

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    • To Starr I was still unraveling all the lies he had told me at the point u are now that is still on going. You will not even be thinking of him and a subject will come up just about life or morals and realize he lied about that too! It took a full year to feel like me again. He has never tried to contact me in the beginning this hurt,but the more time goes by the easier it gets but I will never forget that I let an evil man into my life the forgiveness to myself and letting go is still slow in coming!

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  8. You had me at “First, Sociopaths need good people to camouflage their shittiness from the world. ” SO VERY TRUE!!

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    • It’s VERY true!! And the worst part is that they steal your identity and try telling you that you are just like them. “Well, yeah, jerk. We do seem exactly alike because you’ve taken on all of my likes, dislikes, passions and friends!” They are quite sad creatures if we think on it too long, and I’ve certainly done enough thinking on them to fill a stadium! Hehe!

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    • Yes! Everything that I was – he was too but better!
      They will even use your quotes in conversations with others because they are now his!

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    • Thanks Antoinette and Paula for your understanding words. I have had quite a few ah ha moments as I sift through the lies so i guess I have started the unraveling process. I just hopes he stops contact. I keep repeating in my head he never loved you so I am not tempted to engage with him.

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  9. You are just like me trusting ,empathy and boy did I trust,share and shared my money, home, life the lot.
    Ten years later, he ruined my health,lost me my home,my job and my health.

    We got a child who is just like me not him she is 8 ‘
    He even says she is smart and pretty like him.
    I laugh as he cannot even stirng a grammatically right sentence together and you know my 8year old daughter helps him spell
    when he is texting.
    My daughter is a double of me and takes after me in every way . I am the professional woman be is a door to door salesmanship comes from a FAMIKY of sociopaths. Completely dysfunctional tional family .
    His mother drops men after using them ,goes with them only for money. They condone their lifestyle.
    Now he tells me he has been having cyber sex with a woman from China and we live in the u.k. He makes me laugh when he says
    That with her he got a chance to go abroad. So he is leaving me and his child for her

    Good luck to him and her i say.

    I never blamed . Myself but i used to question why he lied and why he changed his story. I really used to get upset and worksheet up by asking him you gold me something g else the other day. He just used to look at me cal.my while i was hysterical.
    I used to hope he would die for all the abuse he has put me through .and also my kids . He turned our home into a war zone .

    From a quiet person i became hysterical and even crazy . But years of this kind of abuse makes you like this.

    I do not wish anyone dead. But i had changed so much i cannot recognise myself any more. I get a phone call from him and I end up crying on the street.

    I can hardly drag myself out of the house unless the kids need things or i needs necessities for the house.
    From a professional woman who drove to different meet I vs every day and head of the department he has turned me into this.

    He rings thirty times s day . Most of the time i do not pick up.
    I have thrown him out of our home and plan to move.
    He sleeping on his brothers sofa and wants to come back.But does not want go give up his cyber sex girl friend from China. He is on the net looming for unsuspecting foreign woman who can marry him so he can live on them onceover there i cannot wait . This sociopath wants to go international.

    He never went on holidays till he met me i paid for his passport and
    Took him to new Zealand. Even old ed BUSSINESS for him which he ran to the ground each time.

    I cry for what i have lost but also for the years i lost of my life.

    a

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    • Positive girl, please remain hopeful. Many of us here became deeply disillusioned as a result of being subjected to the twisted and diabolical pathology of these fools. We didn’t go crazy. We simply responded uncharacteristically to treatment that was meant to illicit emotionally charged reactions in order to make is LOOK nutty. Your ability to begin dissecting what you experienced is indicative that you are NOT crazy. 🙂 ❤

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  10. Paula,everytime I would go into numb mode,he would, say very calmly “you hate me” What is that? We wouldn’t even be fighting. The last time he said that,I said “you hate yourself,leave me out of it” and he discarded me 2 days later.

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    • What you have spoken here is an unfortunate truth, I have learned this hard lesson several times.

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    • Very good!! It’s all projection. My ex would say, “You think I’m trash, don’t you?” The first time he said that, I was Gobsmacked! The words had never crossed my mind. It’s as if they know what they are and have no control over changing it, just control over convincing is that we should tolerate them or we’re bad and evil for discarding them. Always turning the tables. Never taking responsibility. 🙂

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  11. Holy crap, I’ve never had anyone understand absolutely everything I’ve been experiencing for the past ten years. Word for word. I’m stunned and relieved. Amazing…this was life changing to read. Thank you!

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  12. […] Closure has been hard due to unwillingness of my wife to have any contact. But, this blog finally gives me some closure :https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2013/11/30/becoming-numb-to-the-sociopath-and-opening-the-door-to-su… […]

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  13. This is an amazing post for me to read given my current circumstances. I wondered how I could describe my wife’s behavior, and this is perfectly her.

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  14. Wow _ The irony of the sociopath’s wish for us to stop reacting so emotionally lies in the simple fact that he coveted us in the beginning because we ARE so emotional and caring. If we had been void of emotions, we never would have attracted the sociopath into our lives in the first place.

    Incredible. I relate 100 percent to this post. Cheating is not relevant in any case, because the issue is just so much deeper. you are simply denied the right to be a valid and accepted human being, left stripped of everything.

    thank you for this

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    • Almsong, you said what I was trying to say and couldn’t put into words. It is the denying “the right to be a valid and accepted human being” that leaves the “victim” so messed up. I use the word “victim” because that’s what we are in the beginning.

      I keep being drawn back to this blog even after I say I need to stop coming back. It is because I understand first hand how devastating these people can be to a another. It took me 13 years to heal, to be able to love myself, to be able to once again give back to others, to be able to enter into a healthy relationship. We need to let others know it is possible to get better, with time, counselling, and in my case a great deal of faith.

      The perpetrator will try with all their might to knock us down again. They will use everyone in their circle of influence to do this. We must remain strong so that we can help others. That is the value of sites such as this one. We are at a place where others understand our plight.

      Signed,
      Stronger now somewhere in Canada.

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    • Almsong, I went to your blog and wow! It totally resonated with me! Keep writing!

      Signed,
      Continuing to look up, somewhere in Canada.

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    • thank you so much for the encouragement. “keep coming back” you have a powerful story and because of your healing in this painful area you can administrate a level of peace,strength and victory to other victims with authority. it is not something that should be forgotten 🙂

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  15. Dear Paula, all I can say is “spot on” you have explained what being with a sociopath is like. Sue West.

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  16. Well said, Paula. That’s my point. Enough said. 🙂

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  17. Thanks for clarifying, Paula. I believe one of the keys is that we all believed it was all our fault. A true narcissist would never think that. They are not capable of such thoughts. Like others I question myself as to whether I am indeed the one who is narcissistic since I did take on many of his traits throughout our marriage. I’m now back to being the self I was 25 years ago and it feels really really good.

    There is healing.

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  18. That was an informative read, I read it aloud to my wife which is something i almost never do, her X was like that and he committed suicide at 40 after 9 yrs of marriage. My Dad, my older brother, and my X all without a doubt fit that list of descriptions. Thank you for posting this article.

    ted

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  19. Excellent post and thanks for pointing out that not everyone who ends ups with a sociopath is necessarily co-dependent. We do understand good relationships, boundaries, etc. – we get tripped up in our hope and belief in these people.

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  20. Reblogged this on Madeline Scribes and commented:
    Paula describes some folks I know with uncanny skill. I can not stress this enough…cut off all contact when you realize the person you are dealing with is a sociopath.

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    • I highly recommend to those reading about sociopaths here to mosey over to Madeline Scribes’ blog (link is in the comment above), where painful personal experiences with sociopaths have also been examined in depth.

      Paula, you’ve written a powerful post. Some, like me, are automatically trusting of others, right off the bat, and don’t look for or see the warning signals you and Madeline write about — until it’s too late. A good friend once told me, after a particularly ugly end to a relationship with a raving sociopath: “There are givers and takers. They naturally seek each other out, so as to complete the equation — [me] I give, you’ll take? or [him] you give? I’ll take. You are a giver. He was a taker. When you find the right man, he will be a giver. Don’t settle for less.”

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    • Whine-wine-whatever, you’re absolutely right about the giver-taker part. I am a giver and had relationship after relationship with takers, to the point that now people say I’m the sociopath because of my many relationships. The truth was I just knew I couldn’t keep giving to that degree. I’m finally married to a giver now, and we have a perfectly balanced relationship (wish I’d figured this out when I was younger).

      I feel, and of course this is only my opinion, that it is important to look at the personality characteristics of a sociopath more than how it is played out because in each case it’s different.

      They all are manipulators and users, of that there is no doubt.

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  21. Reblog going this one with your permission. Spot on! Described some folks I know to a tee!

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  22. A usual, this is well written and well thought out. One thing I notice, however, is that you imply that all relationships with sociopaths are the same. They are not. Some sociopaths cheat (in the physical sense) and others don’t. Part of being a narcissistic sociopath is the ability to determine what image will most serve their purposes. For most, cheating will not enhance their image or reputation and simply for that reason, they don’t cheat on a spouse (unless they are certain they won’t get caught).

    What all sociopaths do, however, is lie and manipulate others. They don’t all do it in the same way, they will determine how to do it in any given situation, depending upon who they are associating with at any given time.

    Signed,
    Stronger now somewhere in Canada.

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    • Thank you, Anonymous. I certainly don’t think all relationships play out the same. Each relationship is definitely unique. However, I do think the process by which we’re affected and insidiously infiltrated and brainwashed is very similar. Cheating; not cheating. Beating; not beating. The tactics to control us are different but the end result is the same: we’re left believing it was all our fault, and the sociopath was just an innocent bystander who tried to cure us of our issues. They like to think that they used “tough love” on us, and we rejected them for it. A joke in my book.

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    • Through my sociopath learning travels….I find that most sociopaths do cheat (perhaps it is a very rare one that does not).

      However, they can still cheat and maintain the “good guy” image because they do the pity-cry that they are a victim of an unloving woman and had to find solace in the nurturing arms of an understanding woman. Barf, barf as we can see this ploy, but most other people are dumb and do not not question the lies, games, and manipulations of the sociopath.

      So, basically, they get away with being cheaters because the current woman they are worth is so horrible (well, that’s how the sociopath story goes).

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    • Anonymous, you are correct in that they don’t play out entirely the same. But they are much more the same than not. Just read all the personal stories online; they are so similar it’s uncanny. It’s like the sociopaths all operate from the same playbook.

      And the physical cheating? From everything I’ve read, it’s almost universal with them. Some are better at hiding it than others, that’s all. Many experts on sociopaths/psychopaths believe they have excessive testosterone (lovefraud,com, Thomas Sheridan, etc.). This, combined with their high level of boredom, constant need for stimulation, and love of deception, makes the VAST majority of them cheaters.

      Mine liked to leave evidence of his cheating around and, when I confronted him with it, he’d tell me I was crazy, jealous, insecure, and wrong. Killed two birds with one stone. He got to fool around and deceive me AND gaslight me at the same time.

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    • My Sociopath,
      I think you need to read up on the traits of a narcissistic sociopath. Not all of them cheat physically. It is much more complex than that. A high functioning narcissistic will not cheat unless he will never get caught. It is not out of any sense of morality, but out of a need to maintain his or her image.

      I am sorry that you are hurting–it is clear you are.

      There is healing.

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    • Everyone here is healing, and there is always more to learn and understand. I don’t think any of us are delusional enough to claim we know everything there is to know. Cheating seems to be a focus in these comments. I think cheating is done in many ways, not just sexual cheating. There is financial cheating, emotional cheating, spiritual and religious cheating. Cheating is taking advantage of another’s trust and fidelity. Cheaters seek out pleasure and ego supply by any means necessary, while claiming they are loyal to one…one woman, one man, one family, one club, one faith…monogamy in all areas of a sociopath’s life is a foreign idea. They cheat. Period. I don’t think it matters how or through what medium. They just cheat. I think we can all agree with that here. 🙂

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