Broken SantaHoliday time means fun with friends and family. Sprinkle in a sociopath, and the fun is stripped faster than you can say, “Happy Thanksgiving!”

I hated being in public with the sociopath, especially around the holidays. Not only did he insist on controlling me, he insisted on behaving in ways that pushed people away…from both of us.

He was always so sweet and charming to the very people he repeatedly talked negatively about in private.

And he talked shit about EVERYONE in private:

His mother, his brother, his sister in-law, my sisters, my friends, his friends and even their pets!

No one was off limits or safe from the sociopath’s miserable judgements.

But few people got sucked in by his fake and charming demeanor when we got together for holiday parties with friends and/or family.

(I still get pissed at myself for tolerating his ability to be the biggest asshole in any room. I thought he was JUST insecure. I felt sorry for the cad.)

My sisters certainly did not see him as charming, funny or even attractive for that matter. They tolerated him, because they loved me. My mother was the only one who tried to be friendly, but even her patience failed eventually.

And most everyone in his so-called inner circle seemed like they just tolerated his presence. I picked up on this quickly.

He never attracted people’s energy; he seemed to detract their energy. No one ever seemed to give a shit if he showed up to their parties or not.

And why should they have cared? He was either talking about himself or trying to isolate me somewhere in the corner of the room.

And if he felt like our conversation wasn’t properly engaging me, he would physically smother me. Always needing me to sit next to him (or on his lap), to hold his hand, to kiss him and to only have my eyes on him!

His behavior and neediness frustrated me. It was maddening and tiresome.

I am a social person. I didn’t like alienating people due to his extreme need to overwhelm me with PDA.

Why go out if your hell-bent on ignoring the party host, your so-called friends and your family. Doesn’t it make better sense to stay home if you’re not interested in being social with anyone other than your significant other?

(Yeah. That’s a no-brainier, right?)

So I always, always tried to break away from his clutches at family gatherings and parties. But being bold and independent only caused the sociopath to react with more troubling anti-social behavior:

At my family parties, he would go off and pout.

(Yes, pout. Male or female, drama drives the sociopath.)

Imagine a grown man of 35 walking up to a grandmother (my mother) and saying, “Why doesn’t she love me? I love her soooo much, and she just ignores me.”

My mother’s favorite retort, “Are you for real?!?”

If the sociopath expected to be coddled and for me to be reprimanded by my mother for not giving him my undivided attention, he was sorely mistaken. My family obviously knew and respected my nature much better than the sociopath, the same man who claimed to know me better than anyone because he was my soul mate.

(Pfft! Vomit. Don’t fall for that line, Ladies and Gentlemen. Do not fall for it!)

Eventually, him tugging on me and interrupting me mid-sentence while talking to a cousin or aunt pushed me to take him aside.

(Exactly like a mother would take her impish child aside to knock sense into him.)

I would walk him back to a private room closed off from the general bustle of the party. Initially, he would think I was doing it to get frisky. (You know, to have sex.) But once the door was shut behind us, I’d explain to him how his behavior was spoiling everyone’s good time.

But guess who left the room feeling guilty?

Yup! Me!!

Although I knew his behavior was childlike and selfish and immature, I was somehow shamed into thinking I was being hateful and insensitive:

“You know I’m not used to being around large families like yours. I just want to feel needed and loved. I just love you so much, and you don’t seem to care how I’m feeling. This is your family. This is where you feel comfortable. Just give me more time. I need time to feel more a part of everything.”

And I’d fall for it. I’d fall for one of his biggest lies and deceptions:

“I’m interested in loving your family as much as I love you.”

(Lies! We know that love is not something sociopaths know or understand like the rest of us. Loving my family comes naturally if you love me. No need to feel excluded. Me inviting you to my family holiday should be a sign that you’re already included. There are no tests to pass. You’re in!)

The pouting and pity party occurred repeatedly, because the sociopath didn’t want to share my attention. He was selfish and callous. That’s not love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

(Image source: http://www.thisoldhouse.com/toh/photos/0,,20331806,00.html)

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Join the conversation! 23 Comments

  1. Last year was our first holiday together..Thanksgiving. After divorcing his wife 6 in Jan and marrying me in Feb we are now divorcing and he is with his new “love” for Thanksgiving this year..imagine that.
    She is so in love with him and he has introduced her to his family and they are celebrating with hers tomorrow..even though he is still married to me and they all know it.
    He is so deceiving. Yes they are charming and love parties to put on the show..yet did anyone ever experience how they embarrass you as well? How they have to be noticed and will say anything even if its inappropriate just to get attention? Mine did. I was embarrassed by his comments to be noticed when others were busy talking, he had to chime in just to get the attention back on him.

    Also their mothers are usually their enablers, and studies suggest that they are what they are due to the lack of attention from their mothers. Mine was 45, has never owned anything..lives in his mothers house and has moved 3 wives into mommies house and when he is ready to move on, none has lasted over 3 years, mommy tells them to get out of her house and cleans up his mess with the women.
    He bankrupted 3 women as well. Yet he brags on how he could call anyone of his exes and they would take him back in a heartbeat. LOL

    Well Im soon to be his ex and I know this girl is smarter than that. It is hard to believe it is over as quick as it began, but I was smarter than the others, I had my own house, I kicked him out and he and his mommy was not use to the scenario. I had my own job and was not dependent on him, like the other women.

    Within a month a half of dating, he has already had the new gf quit her job to be with him full time..I doubt as much as they like to pretend its peaches and cream, its all for show..a few days ago the gf’s ex texted me and told me he got a call from her saying I would probably want to date HIM just so I could be back to Gary..he told her if he didnt already have a gf he would date me even if Gary wasnt involved..I have never met him or the gf, but it sure showed me how even after 2 months of NO CONTACT, they are worried who I might be dating, and she is worried that I might come for her new love, my husband, Gary. Yet I know he has told her that I want him back and will do anything to do that..lol..even date her ex..I have never played that game.

    I am ashamed that just last year I was the other woman, and now Karma has came around and he has treated me the same way and now she is the other woman and I’m on the outside. But I am so much better off. I am sad, not having anyone for the holiday and it was a nice time last year. But every holiday after that he made so miserable. Nothing was good for long with him.

    Maybe he has found the one he desires..soon to be Wife number 8. They are probably waiting for the divorce just so he can marry her up..so familiar. And of course everyone loves her so much..lol..they look at her like heres the next one.

    I will survive this sadness and I am recovering since I know she will never be his only ONE, he cheated right under my nose and I was oblivious to it because of course I was so beautiful, he loved me so much, I had his heart,none of the others ever did…lol I’m sure all the things he is telling her now. It quickly changes to I’m a pig, I’m ugly inside and out, and my favorite..”i was just going thru the motions with you.”..that explains exactly what he does..just goes thru the motions with every woman.

    But thoughts do stay in your head when they are with someone new that he is so different and wonderful with them and how you miss that.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you all..Prayers for us all to keep recovering and most of all keeping our guard up against the next man who has the same traits and keeping our sanity. But we are able to love and be loved and a real man knows how to show us without the deception and lies.

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    • Hi Genie,

      I’m sorry for all the trouble you’ve had this year. Hopefully, this holiday season will be the beginning of great things for you!

      I find that I miss him most around the holidays, although I don’t know why, since he usually ruined every holiday some way or another. We were together 6 years and last year was our first holiday season apart (he was with one live-in GF last year and is with a new live-in GF this year–wonder who he’ll be with next year?!). I was with him the longest of any of his relationships except for his marriage, and she told me she only stayed so long because they had 3 kids and she couldn’t leave financially)

      BTW, most of the research on sociopaths points towards biological causes, not environmental ones. They’re born that way. In fact, it seems that sociopaths are even less influenced by their upbringings than are non-sociopaths.

      And I never heard the theory that it’s due to lack of attention from their mothers, where did you hear that?

      In fact, my ex-S has 4 sibs, 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and none of them are S’s or even close. And I assume their mother treated them all pretty much the same growing up. And there’s NO way she didn’t give him enough attention as a child, I’m sure. He’s 45 and she still babies him (I believe because she knows what he is and feels guilty, even though it’s not her fault).

      Have a happy holiday, and be thankful he’s no longer in it!

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    • I agree, Abbri. A mother is basically the first victim once the sociopath emerges from her womb. A loving mother knows immediately that she just spawned the devil. I used to blame my ex’s mother. But after really thinking about it and reading and sharing stories with others, it’s become abundantly clear that what mothers of sociopaths do is try to protect the world from their evil children by remaining close (proximity close) forever. I think a mother of a sociopath holds out hope that by loving and doing things for him/her the sociopath will change or at least not be as likely to harm (like murder) another. When my ex told me about the end of his first marriage, I remember him telling me that his mother only have him one bit of advice, “Just don’t get her pregnant before she moves out.” I always saw that remark by his mother as kind of cold. But now I see it as her way of protecting his ex wife from his continued control!! I think his mother cared for him and provided him with material needs. But as far as love and affection, I think she gave up on providing it to either him or his brother at a very young age. Very sad.

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    • Paula, I never thought about it that way, that she’s protecting the world from him. Then again, she always blames the women for his troubles, so I’m not sure she sees it that way.

      It’s interesting that she’s the principal of a school for delinquent boys and, for years before that, was a teacher there. I’ve always thought she gravitated there because of her unconscious desire to help boys (i.e. her son).

      Also, she’s a very devout Catholic and I think she knows which way he’s going when he dies. So she tries to make his life as pleasant as possible before he burns in hell for eternity! (fingers crossed!)

      He had two domestic arrests with me; she blamed them both on me. A couple with his ex-wife before that; she blamed them on her. And, in the almost two years we’ve been apart, he had two arrests with his (now) ex-GF (she left after the second one).

      A few weeks ago I ran into his mother in the market, the first time since he and I split. I guess maybe I was expecting an apology. Instead, she looked through me as if I wasn’t there.

      Seeing his family and friends frequently around town makes it that much harder to forget him.

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    • Abbri, I truly think there is a lot of shame within his mother. Imagine not being able to be effective as a nurturing and mothering human. Imagine your very nature is ineffective when it comes to parenting your own child. Imagine having to hide your son’s true nature to the world forever?!?

      She blames you and the others because to her it is your fault. You aren’t submitting as she was forced to submit to her son’s whims. She’s actually quite jealous of you. You get to walk away. She never does. She is forever trapped. No wonder she can’t look at you. If she were to look at you, she’d see what she’s missing.

      It’s tragic but by no means is it an excuse to feel sorry for her or mourn for her. Hopefully, for her sake, he’ll die before she does.

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  2. I think that’s part of the insidious nature of having been victimized by a sociopath – the utter isolation we feel because most people don’t understand what we have gone through. Only other victims can fully relate and believe our stories. So we victims hesitate to even talk about our experience for fear of being labeled crazy, paranoid, etc. Abbri…I can SO relate to your story. My sister is the sociopath I have had to deal with. She has worked to smear my husband and me over the years, and has driven a wedge into our once-happy family. She, like your ex-S, is the “life of the party” and no one can believe what a conniving, manipulative, lying, backstabbing skank she truly is. Only those she has targeted, that have seen her evil underbelly, know the real “her”. It is very painful to come to the realization that your sister has been working and conspiring against you your entire life to win the favor of your parents, siblings, extended family and friends. But that’s what I have come to realize – it took me so long to “get it”, due to my tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. What has helped me is extensive reading on the subject and learning all I can to better understand the disorder. Although I don’t hate my sister, I have to avoid her for my own protection because I refuse to be a willing victim for her ever again. My mother thinks I am being petty and stubborn, and she is my sister’s confidante and enabler. So I don’t stand a chance against that team, and have no choice but to keep my distance. I still have my mom in my life, but I know where her loyalty lies, and it’s not with me. So I don’t confide in her at all anymore. We have a very superficial relationship now. That’s okay, at least I’m glad I finally know where I stand. It still bothers me, and probably will for the rest of my life, but it is the hand I have been dealt. We can choose our friends, but we can’t choose our family. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so badly. It feels like a loss, and I’m hoping that once my mom passes away I can finally grieve her loss and move on with my life and stop thinking about all this misery. Life is too short!!

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    • Middlechild,

      As difficult as it was being in love with a Sociopath, I was able to leave him behind and get on with my life (which I’m still trying to do!). But you have it much worse in that she’s a member of your family and you can never achieve full No Contact. Even if you never see or talk to her again, she’s still poisoning your other familial relationships.

      You sound like you have learned to achieve the best balance possible with the situation, so congratulations on that!

      BTW, my ex-S’s mother is a complete enabler as well. She and I once had it out and she said to me “He just hasn’t found the right woman yet (he’s 45). You’re all jealous and insecure” (gee, I didn’t start out that way but he sure made me that way!). She also said “he’s got a temper but he’s got a good heart”. To which I replied “no, he’s just very good at PRETENDING he’s got a good heart”. She never forgave me for that, but I think she deep down knows it to be true and just can’t bring herself to accept it.

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    • Abbri, She knows! The mothers try to come up with every excuse in the book, and they find every excuse, too. They’ve had to do it their entire lives. Very sad.

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    • That’s the part the enablers just can’t see is the socio’s PRETENDING!! They can’t fathom that someone would actually go to the effort to lie, fabricate stories, backstab others and fake their emotions to get what they want. So it’s almost impossible to make them understand that their little “precious” is really a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re right, your ex’s mother probably knows deep down what her son really is, but it’s too painful to accept it, so she deludes herself into thinking he’s “got a good heart”. Same thing with my mom…she has to know my sister is a POS from all the married men she’s slept with, lived with, cheated on, taken advantage of, ad nauseum, but she can’t face the truth because it’s just too painful. So she convinces herself that everyone else is at fault, not her “baby”. There’s really no overcoming delusion like that. It’s an exercise in futility to even try. Thanks for your reply, Abbri…and I appreciate your comforting words and helps to know I’m not the only one with this type of situation in my life.

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    • Paula, we’re both mothers (I have 2 sons and a daughter). My oldest son, who’s 29 now, can be a bit insensitive with women. Whenever I become involved (like when his high school girlfriend used to call the house in the middle of the night crying that he was out with another girl) I tried to steer him in the right direction and was always there for her, a shoulder to cry on. I love him with all my heart, but I know his faults. I just can’t imagine I would ever be so blind as to blame the women for what I know is his failings. That’s why I just can’t forgive ex-S’s mother. And she has a Master’s in Special Ed. and is the principal of a school for delinquent boys. She should know better.

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    • Absolutely, Abbri!! Our children must be accountable for their poor behavior and actions. It’s how they learn and how their empathy and compassion grows. 🙂

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  3. Do not think that can be defined as a psychopath. It seems more as a big asshole 🙂 🙂 🙂

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    • Dugutigui,

      I’m not sure if your comment was in response to me or Paula. But if it was to me:

      My ex-S has EVERY SINGLE trait on the Robert Hare list. Without exception. And the charming aspect is #1 on the list. He’s a pathological liar, a chronic cheater, emotionally, psychologically, and, sometimes, physically abusive, a manipulative user, no impulse control, deceptive, controlling, unable to be alone (at the end of every relationship–no matter for how long–he starts another one within DAYS, no exception), huge ego, no empathy. He excels at triangulation, smirks whenever he hurts someone, would call me “beautiful” and “ugly”; “hot” and “fat”, “smart” and “a moron”, within the same 5 minutes. He methodically caused me to lose my house (he didn’t want it for himself, just didn’t want me to have it) and 2 jobs.

      He lied to me for 9 MONTHS about where he worked.

      He told me he was in the first Iraq war and, although he WAS in the Marines, he never went overseas.

      And, just in case you’re not convinced, a woman he was cheating on me with killed herself a couple years ago when she discovered he’d been leading her on and lying to her for years. When he talks about her suicide, he can’t keep the gloating smirk off his face and keeps her suicide letter to him on his phone as a trophy.

      I think he’s more than your garden variety asshole.

      Ellen

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    • Abbri, there is no need to defend what you know in your heart to be true. It’s very difficult for people who have never experienced this kind of evil to understand the sociopath’s cumulative impact in just a single post. I write for us, you and me. People who believe and respect each other. I don’t worry about trying to persuade or convince others who choose to be skeptics and demand complete explanations. Let them find out for themselves if they REALLY must know for sure that what we say is true. 🙂

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    • Oh, and Paula’s ex is definitely a sociopath as well. I’ve been reading her blog since its inception. He’s WAY more than just an “asshole” as well.

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    • I think society allows people to be assholes when we should really be calling the assholes out on their asshole behavior. Even non-sociopathic people who are JUST assholes behave with sociopathic tendencies. None of it’s acceptable and none of it should be swept under the rug. 😉

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    • A super big asshole who just so happens to be a pathological sociopath. I’ll give you his contact information. You can find out for yourself. No need to take my word. 🙂

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    • Sorry Paula! There’s no one in my life who really gets the whole sociopath thing. Even those few friends who stuck with me through 6 years of his hell and saw it all. And my family too. They still roll their eyes when I call him a sociopath or psychopath. The online community is really the only place left where we’re understood and where I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with ME. So I tenaciously defend this corner of our world. (And why is someone who doesn’t get it on this blog anyway?)

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    • Don’t apologize!!! 🙂

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  4. My ex-S was the life of the party–everyone loved him. Funny and charming. Which made it harder for people to understand me when I tried to convey what he’s REALLY like. Fortunately, once people get to know him, they eventually see his using, manipulative ways. He only has 1 or 2 friends from childhood left who still like him. But people who see him only on occasion, like holidays, think he’s great. These are the people he was able to turn against me during the smear campaign.

    And the only people he NEVER speaks badly about behind their backs are his immediate family (although their spouses/significant others didn’t fall under that umbrella).

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    • In the post above, is not clearly reflected the pathology of a psychopath. With the comments you added afterwards thing looks a little clearer. As you should understand, I have expressed my innocent opinion on the basis of the post read, no offense to anyone. If I would suspect your reaction I’d have refrained from commenting anything, reaction that, with all due respect, seems a bit exaggerated to me. Obviously I don’t need the address of any psychopath, thanks anyway for the offer. And as for what I’m doing in this blog, I don’t even know. What I do know is that it is public, which grants access to anyone. If you do not wish people to comment freely on your blog, you always have the option to block comments or to make the blog private. Thanks for your understanding!

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    • I write a lot about sociopaths and my specific experience. I don’t preface every post with explicit and detailed evidence as to why I believe my ex to be a sociopath. It’s unnecessary. If you would like to review a nugget of the information I used to come to such a conclusion, read my page dedicated to Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath.

      As a collective, my posts support the definition. But the part that is a bit difficult to express in just words is the overall impact my experience has had on my life and how I approach people and situations. I attempt to be as compassionate as possible when providing details. Nothing is exaggerated. That’s just how life with a sociopath is so that’s what I try to illustrate.

      Drama. Imagine your life is a soap opera. That’s life with a sociopath. A lot of nonsense and excitement about petty and insignificant things that end up becoming significant because you’re forced to take the sick and twisted sociopath seriously. It’s only outside of the relationship that the ridiculousness of the life lived with a sociopath becomes clear. And it’s very important to purge ourselves of the ridiculousness is some way. My way is writing. Others find peace in reading and sharing.

      We never devalue or minimize each other. We never compare or measure severity.

      Abuse is control. Control is abuse. Too many people in our society think control is a natural part of life. It shouldn’t be. Sociopathic nature is the ultimate in control and is an abnormal and destructive nature we must all be aware exists. At least I think everyone should be aware that it exists. I wouldn’t wish my experience upon anyone. 🙂

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    • Dugutigui,

      Of course it’s a public blog, as are they all. However, I have no interest in 17th century art so I don’t ever visit sites regarding that subject. Just wondering why you’d meander over here if you’ve never been a victim of a psychopath or been associated closely with a victim.

      And an exaggerated response? That was only the tip of the iceberg. Do you really not believe that my ex was and did every one of those things and more? Then, again, you’ve never been victimized. Count your blessings.

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