Even the sound of him walking through the house made me cringe and wish him dead. I would hear him moving about the house, and I imagined him slipping on the bathroom floor and knocking his head against the side of the toilet. I thought about how much time I could waste before calling 911 to be certain he was beyond the point of being saved.
I had never wished anyone dead in my life!! But I wished death upon him. It’s why I had to leave when I finally left. I was becoming someone I no longer trusted or recognized.
I realized that I wasn’t living; I was dying.
In my early awareness and recovery, I would reflect on these frightening visions, feelings and emotions and ask myself:
“What if I really am the one with the problems like the sociopath tried claiming I was? What if I’m the pathological link in the toxic relationship?”
First, a sociopath would never have the ability to ask such a question internally. Instead, the sociopath would outwardly ask his current girlfriend/supply, “You don’t think I’m a sociopath do you? You don’t believe what she says about me, do you?”
Do you see the difference between asking ourselves and asking someone else?
Asking ourselves means we are interested in being better people and will take the question deeper and begin to deconstruct ourselves. If we discover we have bad habits that need tending to (count on uncovering many), we’ll begin seeking out the steps we need to take to rid ourselves of our character flaws.
We check ourselves so we don’t continue wrecking ourselves and our relationships.
On the other hand, a sociopath never seeks internal answers. Sociopaths asks others for answers just to hear and gain immediate supply:
“Oh my goodness, no!! You are not a sociopath! Don’t worry about what she says. I think she’s just jealous and angry that you don’t want her anymore.”
And once the sociopath hears this, he’s satisfied. He might even get hugs, kisses and sex immediately following what his current supply misinterprets as the sociopath’s concern he could be harming someone:
“He’s so sensitive and caring! How could someone be so cruel as to call him a sociopath! He’d never hurt anyone. He loves animals. He even adopted a dog with me!!”
(Meh. You’ll find out soon enough, my dear.)
The sociopath doesn’t need to worry about being a sociopath, because the new people circulating around him certainly don’t think he’s mean and evil. Shoot! The sociopath becomes more sociopathic the moment he casts aside the “insensitive” claim made by his victim.
The sociopath will NEVER internally confront the accusation of being a sociopath. It’s the built-in irony of the sociopath. For all of the glances he makes in the mirror, it’s always distorted, just the way the sociopath likes to keep it.
So do not count on the sociopath to ever admit to being pathological. The only ones who do that are the ones who get caught for criminal offenses or do something outwardly crooked. They’ll use a mental-health diagnosis to their benefit in such cases.
Once cornered, they’ll claim childhood sexual abuse. Or they’ll claim that they were once a victim of a sociopath in their past. They’ll ramp up the pity party. And there will be plenty of people waiting to give him the pity and support he desperately needs. And this pity and support is a vile form of enabling.
The sociopath keeps on being who and what he’s always been. No need to change. No need to worry about a need to change, either.
Very unlike their victims, because none of the victims/survivors of sociopathic abuse emerge unchanged. None of us.
So unless you’re walking around behaving just as you behaved before the sociopath and only spewing hate and vile for the sociopath and what he did to you, you have no reason to worry about being a heartless, conscienceless piece of trash.
Don’t get stuck in that thinking. Get moving in a better and more peaceful direction. Just asking yourself the question indicates you are a person that embraces life and desires to be a good person and not cause harm to anyone you come into contact.
© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.
(Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/72128031501898024/)