face in grassI slept with a knife under my side of the mattress in the final weeks before I escaped. I would have killed him if provoked one more time. I just remained as calm as possible in his presence.

Even the sound of him walking through the house made me cringe and wish him dead. I would hear him moving about the house, and I imagined him slipping on the bathroom floor and knocking his head against the side of the toilet. I thought about how much time I could waste before calling 911 to be certain he was beyond the point of being saved.

I had never wished anyone dead in my life!! But I wished death upon him. It’s why I had to leave when I finally left. I was becoming someone I no longer trusted or recognized.

I realized that I wasn’t living; I was dying.

In my early awareness and recovery, I would reflect on these frightening visions, feelings and emotions and ask myself:

“What if I really am the one with the problems like the sociopath tried claiming I was? What if I’m the pathological link in the toxic relationship?”

First, a sociopath would never have the ability to ask such a question internally. Instead, the sociopath would outwardly ask his current girlfriend/supply, “You don’t think I’m a sociopath do you? You don’t believe what she says about me, do you?”

Do you see the difference between asking ourselves and asking someone else?

Asking ourselves means we are interested in being better people and will take the question deeper and begin to deconstruct ourselves. If we discover we have bad habits that need tending to (count on uncovering many), we’ll begin seeking out the steps we need to take to rid ourselves of our character flaws.

We check ourselves so we don’t continue wrecking ourselves and our relationships.

On the other hand, a sociopath never seeks internal answers. Sociopaths asks others for answers just to hear and gain immediate supply:

“Oh my goodness, no!! You are not a sociopath! Don’t worry about what she says. I think she’s just jealous and angry that you don’t want her anymore.”

And once the sociopath hears this, he’s satisfied. He might even get hugs, kisses and sex immediately following what his current supply misinterprets as the sociopath’s concern he could be harming someone:

“He’s so sensitive and caring! How could someone be so cruel as to call him a sociopath! He’d never hurt anyone. He loves animals. He even adopted a dog with me!!”

(Meh. You’ll find out soon enough, my dear.)

The sociopath doesn’t need to worry about being a sociopath, because the new people circulating around him certainly don’t think he’s mean and evil. Shoot! The sociopath becomes more sociopathic the moment he casts aside the “insensitive” claim made by his victim.

The sociopath will NEVER internally confront the accusation of being a sociopath. It’s the built-in irony of the sociopath. For all of the glances he makes in the mirror, it’s always distorted, just the way the sociopath likes to keep it.

So do not count on the sociopath to ever admit to being pathological. The only ones who do that are the ones who get caught for criminal offenses or do something outwardly crooked. They’ll use a mental-health diagnosis to their benefit in such cases.

Once cornered, they’ll claim childhood sexual abuse. Or they’ll claim that they were once a victim of a sociopath in their past. They’ll ramp up the pity party. And there will be plenty of people waiting to give him the pity and support he desperately needs. And this pity and support is a vile form of enabling.

The sociopath keeps on being who and what he’s always been. No need to change. No need to worry about a need to change, either.

Very unlike their victims, because none of the victims/survivors of sociopathic abuse emerge unchanged. None of us.

So unless you’re walking around behaving just as you behaved before the sociopath and only spewing hate and vile for the sociopath and what he did to you, you have no reason to worry about being a heartless, conscienceless piece of trash.

Okay?

Don’t get stuck in that thinking. Get moving in a better and more peaceful direction. Just asking yourself the question indicates you are a person that embraces life and desires to be a good person and not cause harm to anyone you come into contact.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

(Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/72128031501898024/)

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 27 Comments

  1. I recently discovered that the person who I thought was my best friend for several years is actually a heartless body with no more regard for me than a used tissue. She dumped me the day after I told her that I thought my carcinoma had come back. In the back of my mind I told her that to test her – I had been starting to see the inconsistencies in her stories. After a bit, she tried to win me over again but there was no going back for me. I have to work with her and I see her duping the nicest, kindest, most honest people. I want to tell them to watch out for her, what she really is, but I am still at that uber-emotional state and I can tell they are believing whatever B.S. she is telling them about me. It’s funny because I have been having that “what if I’m the selfish one?” train of thought – and I think it’s that she was a sort of mirror for my own negative behaviors. I now see how incredibly hurtful those behaviors are, in a way I couldn’t see it before. For that, I am glad this experience happened, to make me more mindful of the ways I am hurtful to others.

    I struggle daily with my anger toward her and my fear of the havoc she is going to create for me now that I’m not her “minion.” Your blog about not getting revenge really helped me. The revenge plots I had in my mind made me frantic and anxious – I now understand that was my conscience screaming at me, “no no no!” Thank you for your writings.

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    • Anonymous, we all have a shadow side where our selfish needs and desires live. However, our light side of selflessness and love always reminds us that our shadow isn’t very mature and we would feel too much guilt and remorse if we act from that shadow place. But when we align ourselves with someone who resides in their shadow side 100% of the time, we inevitably become fogged. Our light side, our conscience, becomes buried and we are more susceptible to the influence of our shadow side. I love that you see this as a growth opportunity and a door to becoming an even more mindful and good person toward yourself and others. 🙂

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  2. Great post Paula. I don’t understand why this didn’t appear in my reader. 😐

    This particular part concerns me:

    “The sociopath doesn’t need to worry about being a sociopath, because the new people circulating around him certainly don’t think he’s mean and evil. Shoot! The sociopath becomes more sociopathic the moment he casts aside the “insensitive” claim made by his victim.”

    That’s scary Paula.

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    • Very good article, Paula. I spent 17 years married to a narcissistic sociopath, and even after 13 years of divorce he is still affecting me through my children. He is wealthy and uses that wealth to manipulate them. Horrible things have happened within their (I say their because I’ve been shut out of their lives) lives, and they still insist everything is somehow my fault. I have been labeled as mentally ill, even though 5 psychiatrists have told me I’m not. I’ve done the internalizing, even to the point of trying to kill myself out of hurt and confusion and guilt.

      Now, my children are grown with children of their own. I’ve recovered and spent years in therapy, have written a book, do public speaking, have married a wonderful supportive man, am incredibly content. Still they blame anything and everything on me.

      My hope and prayer is that some day they wake up and see their father for who he is. That’s my promised land. Some day they will see it and I will have a relationship with them again. Until then, I live my life with one thought… to be the very best person I can be at work, at home, in the community, so that when those grandchildren grow up and find out who their grandmother is, they will say with pride, “That’s MY grandmother.”

      I try not to hate my ex-husband because that causes negative energy. I try to view him as a sick person instead. A very smart, manipulative sick person.

      There is healing and happiness. It sometimes takes years, but it is possible.

      Signed,
      One determined woman somewhere in Canada

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    • Thank you, Anonymous. You are amazing and strong and one day your children will see that, too. Remain hopeful and positive. What else can we do? And you’re right…it’s best not to hate these people. Even though they cause great harm and rip children away from their loving parents, they don’t deserve the energy we extend hating them. It’s not easy. It does take time but our peace is worth it. 🙂

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    • My ex found the perfect enablers at my daughter’s school – her teacher and the receptionists – he knows how to gain sympathy from women! They then treat me as the ‘nasty one’ glaring at me and my daughter! I have no idea what has been said about me, but I believe it is to do with my mental health!

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    • Yeah. We’re all crazy and unbalanced. And if the teacher and receptionist would rather believe the gossip, then they aren’t exactly the people you want in your life or your daughter’s life. What you and your daughter think of you is all that matters, really. 🙂 ❤

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  3. There is a good saying, you become the company that you keep!! I think that you become like them, as a survival tool. How else would you survive? Only by keeping your wits about you (English saying) and one step of the game, can you not be taken for a ride anymore. Its not a normal relationship, where you can say ‘ok thats it, I have had enough, its over’ Many times you are in fear of your life.

    In the beginning – the sociopath mirrors you – in the end you mirror them to feel safe.

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  4. Reblogged this on Dark Acts Bible: Glass Half Empty, Base Cracked… and commented:
    Sociopaths, and psychopaths, are not beyond accusing others of being the same. I found this post particularly helpful and relevant because it got to the heart of the matter — having the ability to care, i.e., reflect about the possibility…

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  5. Loved this and it was right on time too! When I dumped a friend a while back for being two-faced, she told me that I was becoming the kind of person I hated most by unfriending her. It stung. Was I becoming that person? Did she have a point?

    Lately when I make a decision to cut someone off if they exhibit qualities I consider toxic like lying, narcissism, passive aggressiveness, duplicity, etc., all of the behaviors you really want to avoid being exposed to if you have a choice, I always look inward to try to figure out why I dislike the quality in that person. Am I seeing myself in them? Do I do the same thing? Once I make my decision, I only look back with fondness and try to remember that there was something good there in the beginning, but I’m no longer angry about the disconnection like I used to be.

    When I asked you about that Paula, you said that I was on the road to recovery and now I truly believe I am. Those decisions don’t come with the anger they used to. Now it’s just a “sigh, here we go again” and I just move on.

    I think a mentally healthy person constantly looks inward for answers once they know themselves and can trust themselves again, but in the beginning, when you are just starting to realize the monsters in your life and the abuse you’ve been taking, it is a blessing to have someone to touch base with that has been there already and knows what to do about it.

    Thank you Paula ❤

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    • Holy cow! Thank you for this message. I’m glad you are seeing yourself for who you truly are, and I’m also thankful that I could be someone you felt comfortable reaching out to on occasion. You’re story and what you share is truly inspiring as well. ❤

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  6. Paula, I hug you for what you’ve been through and how you’ve pulled through. Go you for empowering people. Hugs from Oz, Paula xxxx

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  7. Reblogged this on Running Away from a Narcissist and commented:
    This is my first time to reblog. I thought that this was too important of a post for anyone to miss.

    After a lifetime of living with Narcissists, my mother, my brother and most of all My Someday To Be X, I have always struggled with my own self doubt. Even more so, I just buried my own feelings, stayed silent and endured.

    Nobody wants to be accused of being a whiner or victimhood.

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  8. I stumbled innocently upon a list of sociopathic traits online 3 years into my 6-year relationship with the ex-P. What an epiphany! He had EVERY SINGLE ONE. Shortly after, during an argument, I called him a “sociopath”. He got all quiet and said “who told you that?” I said I read about it. He said “Jo-Ann used to call me that”. Jo-Ann is a woman who was with him during his marriage, cheating on his wife with him, long before me, and stayed with him throughout his other relationships and ours as well (she may still be seeing him, after all these years of knowing what he is), I think. She’s a psych nurse and knows he’s a sociopath, yet still stays. It took me two more years before I googled “sociopathic relationships” and learned what I had been going through. And another year after that before I could implement what I’d learned. And even then, when he came a-knocking after I’d somewhat healed, 1 1/2 years later, he manipulated me and stole my best friend. As a result, I ended up in a psych ward for 5 days. Never underestimate their power.

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    • My point is that, despite many setbacks, it’s still possible to go on. I tried the whole yoga thing, but I’m 54 and my back gave out during my first class. There are many out there who are struggling after many years post No Contact. You, Paula, rebounded very well. Some of us need to find other outlets. For me, it’s just peace. A boring life where no one is calling me a whore or a c*** or cheating on me. There are many paths to salvation.

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    • There are many paths…you are correct, Abbri. Yoga is just one of many I practice. And rebounding, recovery, is a constant. It never ends. At least not for me. I never want to go back to that place, so I work very hard every day to find, seek and nurture better places within and without. 🙂

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  9. Me too!!!!! I am currently in an altercation with my narcissistic mom and golden child brother. I am trying to write a letter to my sister in law to try to explain why I am not contacting them. And reality is that it is two against one. Me being the “one”, I know I will be accused of :”over-reacting” and “blowing things out of proportion”.

    For so much of my life I felt that it was me. I even ended up marrying a narcissist that was even worse than my brother and my mom! I am in the middle of a hostile divorce with that one now, after 20 years of marriage.

    All of these years of being surrounded by narcissists has predisposed me to a lot of self doubt. I still struggle with that now.

    Luckily, I have found my strength in blogging and reading all of the posts like yours.
    Thank you for the inspiration to forge on.

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    • You are worth it!! You are better than your self-doubt, even though I think self-doubt has a purpose, it doesn’t need to be our driving force. Self-love and self-awareness is what guides us to our potential and to peace, I believe. 🙂

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  10. Oh my gosh, bless you!! It is weird how we are supported in this life-I needed to read these words today. I was just having these thoughts about myself this morning. I was reading about narcissistic Moms, and could not help but think “Maybe I am the narcissist.” . Thank you for providing some light today 🙂

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    • You’re welcome, Kimberly! Your poetry and art reflects contemplation and a deep desire to always be better and to always find understanding. ❤

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