The Count of Monte Cristo Island EstateOver the weekend, I was e-mailing back and forth with one of the reader’s of this blog. The following is a list of questions she asked me pulled from one of her messages:

Thanks for always responding back. I didn’t want you to think I’m a “whack” or “nut” job, but how in the hell did you move on? How? How do you get it out of your head?

Do you ever think about your ex and get disgusted and annoyed? I think of the movies Count of Monte Cristo the evil villain Fernand Mondego and Iago in Othello. Not sure if you’ve seen these? Or the bad emperor in the Gladiator movie? Lincoln Lawyer (another good movie) the bad guy in it.

What is your secret to moving on and getting it out of your head? So, I can finally get over it? Where does your strength come from?

As I read her questions, I felt like I may be unintentionally deceiving people. Below is my response to her (edited a bit for language and privacy).

I’ve seen all of those films, read Othello and The Count of Monte Cristo. Another one by Poe you should read is The Cask of Amontillado.

These characters may be fictional, but I guarantee the writers experienced someone like them in their real lives. Writers write what they know.

My secret? I have no secret. I get angry if I allow myself to think on him and how he degraded me and my family and drove me to have a serious breakdown. I get really angry if I allow myself to.

But I choose not to be angry because anger just sucks away my life, and I want to live!

I want to watch my son grow and learn. I want to be a part of the lives of my nieces and nephews. I want to learn more about myself and how far I can go with my ideas and desires. I want to do all those things my ex tried to keep me from enjoying and valuing.

I want to help people who can’t let go of their anger and who feel ashamed for their inability to forgive.

We can’t just forget and let go of that anger, because we have the memories that take us back to those feelings. Like watching a movie we love over and over again or reading a book a few times, our memories possess us. We can’t get rid of them.

So what can we do about it? We can learn to become aware of those memories and how they trigger our anger and resentment. Once that anger and resentment starts to take over, we need to recognize it and redirect all that energy to do something good. We’ve got to take that hate and turn it into love. We don’t have to love the memory or even forgive those assholes. What we do is we learn to love ourselves more than any revenge or hate could provide.

I wanted revenge desperately. I wanted him to die. I wanted him to get pushed in front of a city bus and have his limbs go flying in every direction. I wished death upon his family and for his house to burn to the ground. Hehe! I needed to feel that anger and to feel it deeply. I needed to imagine all of those things.

But after several months of non-stop hate and anger, I recognized what it was doing to me. It was sucking me dry. Even out of the relationship, I was being sucked dry! And I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

So I made a promise to myself to never allow my mind to wonder to that dark place of hate and revenge. Instead, I take those moments and ask myself, “What have you wanted to do for a long time but have been just too lazy to do it?” I’ll read a book or watch a movie or learn to cook or bake something special for myself and family. I take that energy and redirect it.

No sociopathic asshole is going to destroy me. You never recover. Ever. You never ever forget. Ever. But you can choose to be more aware and make better decisions.

This healing and recovery shit is for a lifetime, I think. It’s been almost three years since I escaped. But I hate him more now than I did then. I hate the fact that too many like him are out there hurting people. I really hate it.

But I can’t focus on the hate. I make a conscious effort every day to fight that hate and turn it into something positive.

Don’t be fooled by my appearance of being over this. Part of releasing the ugliness is to write with hope. I am hopeful. I don’t know why, but it might have to do with my yoga practice which I started two years ago this month, roughly 11 months after escaping the sociopath.

I have a blog I recently started about my yoga journey if you’re interested:

One thing I am certain of is that hate and our need for revenge eats away at our souls and our health and well-being. Just what these sociopathic assholes count on.

I wish we could all see our revenge to the end like The Count. But in reality, we must leave that up to the sociopath’s fate and karma. They’ll get theirs; we just need to be okay with never having the privilege of seeing it with our own eyes. 🙂


© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

abuse, Child abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Forgiveness, Health, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Spirituality, Writing, Yoga
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Join the conversation! 10 Comments

  1. I don’t think anyone ever really gets over being abused but we learn how to move forward and in the beginning it felt like I was just going through the motions. I was like a real live zombie in motion. When soon my daughter was born, I felt robbed of my pregnancy because of all the effort I put into my ex and didn’t want to lose any precious time with my child. None of it comes easy but practice makes perfect. No responding to the crap. No more obsessive thoughts. Give yourself back your power. You don’t think you can do it and can never see yourself out of the hell hole but everything falls into place once you make the conscience effort to remove yourself.


    • Thank you, Bee. I’m so glad you pulled yourself out, too. They say that time heals all wounds. But it’s not exactly true. Time and patience and awareness lets the wound heal, but a scar always remains to serve as a reminder of what we overcame and conquered, which serves to empower us. 🙂


  2. I cant forget, I cant forgive him. I think of all my 19 years with him and god does it hurt. I think that im finished, cant love me,, have no desires for anything, id rather die than feel how I do. Im now stuck with depression, low income, cant give my kids alot and Christmas is almost upon us. Life sucks.


  3. Hi Paula – You are doing so well, being an amazing role model. Thank you! Yoga is terrific, right? I wish I could devote more time to it, I will when I retire from teaching high school. Meanwhile, I wanted to comment about the hate and revenge. I really don’t feel it, and it actually concerns me. I feel fear of slipping into the abyss of neediness, I feel fear of calling him, fear that I’ll never be touched by a man again. I could love him again in an instant, I know that’s really frowned upon on this blog. It’s not all his dysfunction, it’s my own, (obviously) as well. The co-dependence, I guess. Well, one day at a time. namaste


    • The only things I think that are frowned upon here are sociopaths and dishonesty. And if you consider your co-dependency to be a permanent disfunction, get yee to yoga!! Haha!

      We must put ourselves first. We can do this unselfishly and with the best interests of everyone in our lives in mind. But we first must learn what it means to love ourselves and accept nothing that would allow us to ever question our worth.

      Sociopaths are masters at convincing worthy people that they are unworthy by cramming their mistakes down their throat. I don’t really think you could love someone like that again. I really don’t. I think what you’re feeling are just heart strings being tugged because you’re a good person and you loved someone who you thought was good for you. In reality, his “good” was in his crappiness and you becoming aware of it and demanding better.

      🙂 ❤


    • Hey, if you should be frowned upon than I’ll join ya because I still worry that if he came back to me tomorrow and told me how wrong he was and that he wanted me back, that I might fall right back into his arms. I know that I say I wouldn’t, I know how sick he is, I know how I’ll end up if I do, but do I really know what I would do? I have also been through the absolute anger and rage and wishing he would evaporate into thin air. I would think about him getting in an accident commuting from work, or in a plane crash on a business trip, etc. Gosh, though that was a long time ago when we where married. Since we have been divorced for 3 years, I have had my freedom. The sucky part is, if it was bad like it had been before, it wouldn’t be so hard right now. The month we spent together was great. The other stuff seems like such a distant memory. But the shit he just pulled recently, that had to top all the other years of abuse. I mean this time he treated me like a prostitute or something. This one I will never forgive. Or will I? It’s so bad…


  4. I agree – sigh, especially when you have children with these evil do-er’s. You see them for who they are, they know who and what they are, yet the world views them as victims and champions. Disgusting. I just can’t wait for no contact. It’s my goal. I am grateful for the support of my family. They know what he is. Unfortunately, my children don’t, it’s unknown if they ever will. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can only move forward.


  5. Wow! Finally! Someone tells it like it is. All this time I have been feeling like there is something wrong with me because I cannot erase the hurt from what my piece of shit Ex did to me. Granted, I am better now, but I still (Still!) have days where he enters my mind and the anger creeps back and all I want to do is find him so I can smash is stupid pompous smug face in.

    Paula, thank you for finally admitting that this is a long, loooooooooong ass journey and I may never ever forget what my Ex did to me but what I can do is set the bar high enough that I never allow another bag of shit like him into my life ever again!

    Rock on Paula!



  6. Awesome post. Love the quote at the type- so hauntingly true. I like what you say- healing is a lifetime endeavor. It truly is. When we have experienced such as abuse, it is like we constantly have to self-correct in regards to harmful thinking, harmful behaviors and harmful acts. Thanks for your honesty.


    • Thank you, Kimberly. It is constant and that’s the part that can be very frustrating for many who want to hurry up and get over it. I wish there were an “easy” button for this stuff. 🙂


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