Thanks for always responding back. I didn’t want you to think I’m a “whack” or “nut” job, but how in the hell did you move on? How? How do you get it out of your head?
Do you ever think about your ex and get disgusted and annoyed? I think of the movies Count of Monte Cristo the evil villain Fernand Mondego and Iago in Othello. Not sure if you’ve seen these? Or the bad emperor in the Gladiator movie? Lincoln Lawyer (another good movie) the bad guy in it.
What is your secret to moving on and getting it out of your head? So, I can finally get over it? Where does your strength come from?
As I read her questions, I felt like I may be unintentionally deceiving people. Below is my response to her (edited a bit for language and privacy).
I’ve seen all of those films, read Othello and The Count of Monte Cristo. Another one by Poe you should read is The Cask of Amontillado.
These characters may be fictional, but I guarantee the writers experienced someone like them in their real lives. Writers write what they know.
My secret? I have no secret. I get angry if I allow myself to think on him and how he degraded me and my family and drove me to have a serious breakdown. I get really angry if I allow myself to.
But I choose not to be angry because anger just sucks away my life, and I want to live!
I want to watch my son grow and learn. I want to be a part of the lives of my nieces and nephews. I want to learn more about myself and how far I can go with my ideas and desires. I want to do all those things my ex tried to keep me from enjoying and valuing.
I want to help people who can’t let go of their anger and who feel ashamed for their inability to forgive.
We can’t just forget and let go of that anger, because we have the memories that take us back to those feelings. Like watching a movie we love over and over again or reading a book a few times, our memories possess us. We can’t get rid of them.
So what can we do about it? We can learn to become aware of those memories and how they trigger our anger and resentment. Once that anger and resentment starts to take over, we need to recognize it and redirect all that energy to do something good. We’ve got to take that hate and turn it into love. We don’t have to love the memory or even forgive those assholes. What we do is we learn to love ourselves more than any revenge or hate could provide.
I wanted revenge desperately. I wanted him to die. I wanted him to get pushed in front of a city bus and have his limbs go flying in every direction. I wished death upon his family and for his house to burn to the ground. Hehe! I needed to feel that anger and to feel it deeply. I needed to imagine all of those things.
But after several months of non-stop hate and anger, I recognized what it was doing to me. It was sucking me dry. Even out of the relationship, I was being sucked dry! And I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.
So I made a promise to myself to never allow my mind to wonder to that dark place of hate and revenge. Instead, I take those moments and ask myself, “What have you wanted to do for a long time but have been just too lazy to do it?” I’ll read a book or watch a movie or learn to cook or bake something special for myself and family. I take that energy and redirect it.
No sociopathic asshole is going to destroy me. You never recover. Ever. You never ever forget. Ever. But you can choose to be more aware and make better decisions.
This healing and recovery shit is for a lifetime, I think. It’s been almost three years since I escaped. But I hate him more now than I did then. I hate the fact that too many like him are out there hurting people. I really hate it.
But I can’t focus on the hate. I make a conscious effort every day to fight that hate and turn it into something positive.
Don’t be fooled by my appearance of being over this. Part of releasing the ugliness is to write with hope. I am hopeful. I don’t know why, but it might have to do with my yoga practice which I started two years ago this month, roughly 11 months after escaping the sociopath.
I have a blog I recently started about my yoga journey if you’re interested:
One thing I am certain of is that hate and our need for revenge eats away at our souls and our health and well-being. Just what these sociopathic assholes count on.
I wish we could all see our revenge to the end like The Count. But in reality, we must leave that up to the sociopath’s fate and karma. They’ll get theirs; we just need to be okay with never having the privilege of seeing it with our own eyes. 🙂
© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.