No need to Stoop to Conquer the SociopathThe biggest lie Sociopaths tell is to themselves about themselves.

Sociopaths “honestly” think they are superior and better than others and feel entitled to treat people any way they wish to treat them as long as it benefits the sociopath.

The Sociopath will kiss the ground that his current supply/girlfriend/boss/social group walk upon until they serve no material benefit or purpose.

And every other person that crosses the Sociopath’s path will also be looked upon as a means to an end:

>>The waitress
>>The bartender
>>The police officer
>>The lawyer
>>The Judge
>>The social worker
>>The department store clerk

The Sociopath will use his charms in the moment to get the best results he feels entitled to receiving. He’ll smile to their faces and call them morons behind their backs. And these people are so unsuspecting of the Sociopath’s evil and despicable intentions that they WILL grant the charming Sociopath exactly what he desires.

We can’t defeat these charming assholes at their own game. Why would we want to?

When we try battling them at their own game, we are stripped of our morals and ethics, and we end up becoming more and more distraught and guilt-ridden at OUR behavior.

(I did this. I don’t wish anyone to experience what I experienced.)

Sociopaths want us to stoop to their level. It validates them. Let’s not do that. Let’s, instead, leave them on their island at the center of their world. It’s where they think they belong, anyhow, so let’s give it to them. Let’s just leave them alone and go about our lives.

Let’s nurture our conscience, our empathy, our care, our joy and our love for all living things. Let’s step away from the hate. It’s not really the Sociopath that we hate, anyhow. It’s the continued injustice of never getting justice for the despicable acts the Sociopath inflicted upon us.

What we actually feel for the Sociopath in the end is NOTHING. A NOTHINGNESS. And NOTHINGNESS is difficult to process, but it’s possible. We just need to stay focused on ourselves and the people in our lives who bring us true joy, connectedness and hope.

There is no hope for the Sociopath, but there is unlimited potential for ourselves.

Namaste!
~Paula

Β© Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications, 2012 – 2013.

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/122582421077228509/)

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abuse, Cluster B disorders, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 36 Comments

  1. I am struggling so very hard with this issue the past several days. It is so hard when the sociopath is your sister and uses every possible means to pit your entire family against you. My brother has told me that she is lying about the watch she lost while I was visiting my mom, and now telling everyone she suspects I hid it from her! She is practicing some serious CYA since she found the lost watch in my mom’s document bag where she keeps her important papers – she found it in front of my brother, his wife and my Mom. My sister obviously had previously rifled through the bag in secret, but is needing a scapegoat to avoid being exposed as the sneaky manipulator she is. She was caught red-handed!! I wrote a long email today exposing my sister for the lying, manipulating predator that she is, and back-copied it to all my siblings, children, nieces and nephews. Unfortunately I won’t be able to send it because she is our mother’s little pet and nothing good will come from it. My mom is, and always has been, totally oblivious and blinded to her tactics. My mom – and any others that believe, support and enable her – will not be persuaded by my assertion that I had nothing to do with it. It will only bring me down to her level. And it will just provide her with more ammo to use to further turn my mom against me. But writing it all out, raw feelings and all, did help me a little to get over the pain I have been suffering. It’s almost as good as actually sending the message! While my mom is still living out her last years I feel I should spare her from once again having to face the ugly truth about the evil daughter she has given birth to, raised, enabled and continues to defend regardless of her evil deeds. I hope to be able to salvage what’s left of my reputation with the rest of my family once our Mom is gone, but for now the assault to my character is occupying my thoughts and I am doing everything I can to practice restraint. I feel like I’m trying to break out of a straightjacket while being assaulted!! I feel so helpless not being able to defend myself against the injustice. Coming here to share my thoughts and feelings is such a huge help. My best friend is also dealing with a sociopath through her job, so she understands the effects it has on one’s psyche. She and I both suffer daily from the stress caused by living with a sociopath in our lives, and we commiserate and support eachother because we truly understand the pain . I look forward to the day when I am free of the family ties that keep me indirectly dealing with the sociopath. My husband has tried to get me to face the sad reality that my Mom just doesn’t love me and never has. That is a hard pill to swallow. I prefer to believe our relationship has been poisoned continuously by my sister over the years. Jealousy and greed are such ugly and destructive emotions. I wait patiently for my mom to be out of the picture so I can unload my fury on my sister that has been building up over the years. I just can’t put my mom through the family turmoil at her age, even though she is a big part of the problem for enabling my sister. Sad to think I will only feel relief from this emotional pain once my mom is gone. Then I, my husband and kids can truly rid my sister from our lives for good. I thank God I live hundreds of miles away from her, making it much easier to avoid any contact.
    I am thinking of contacting a psychologist or counselor to give me an outlet for my anger and feelings. Any suggestions on how I can find one that has experience dealing with sociopaths?

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    • “Any suggestions on how I can find one that has experience dealing with sociopaths?”

      I meant to say, Victims of Socipaths.

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    • Middlechild, I am very sorry you are dealing with these intense emotions. You’re allowed to love your mother, and your’e allowed to be hurt that she doesn’t love you back. Loving her without reciprocated love is not easy, but you must be able to accept this. Does her not loving you make you any less lovable? It makes you sad and hurt, but it doesn’t change who you are inside. Ask your husband. As for your sister, why waste your breath on her? Why allow her to control you emotionally and spiritually just because she lacks her own emotions and spirit? Your reaction just feeds her and gives her gratification and a source of supply that she can’t provide to herself. YOU can feel. YOU can love. YOU can be hurt. YOU can feel joy. Accepting that your family can’t and won’t appreciate you is tough!! I do know a woman who may be able to help you. She’s a counselor in my state of Maryland. I have met her and she is well-versed when it comes to adult children of sociopaths. Private message me at paula dot carrasquillo at me dot com, or use the contact form on the About page on this blog. πŸ™‚

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  2. I cannot thank you enough for your writings. If not for these, i would have blamed myself for the failure of my relationship with the spath. I thought I was not understanding enough but I knew that I was hurting. I knew that I didn’t deserve the treatment he gave me.

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    • Never blame yourself for being mistreated by someone you thought would be open to understanding and empathy. People who love us may get upset with us on occasion, but people who love us don’t blame or shame us FOREVER and PERPETUALLY when we do something or say something wrong. People who know love know that no one is perfect and that they make mistakes, too. You matter! Every person with a conscience and with the ability to empathize and feel remorse matters. Sociopaths have no place in our lives and shouldn’t matter to us. Let them go off and say what they want to say about us and think what they want to think. Their hate doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. There are too many people out here who are driven by love and care to get distracted by those driven by hate and greed. πŸ™‚

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    • I’m feeling the way you do. But this site/blog is what opened my eyes. I can’t believe the emotional torment I was going through. I actually feel sorry for the sociopath and no there is no hope for that person.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m very happy you are able to make sense of the madness to release that torment. You deserve to be free from the confusion and emptiness. πŸ™‚

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  3. Very informative and relevant post, Paula. The sociopath in my life is my sister. She now sends emails to my brothers and me and when she refers to me by name in one, she uses all lower case letters, but she capitalizes the first letter of everyone else’s name. With anyone else, I would tend to think it was a typo, but she does it deliberately and repeatedly. I guess it’s a way to diminish me and get a jab in – in her passive/aggressive way. She and I haven’t spoken to eachother for the past several years, but she will mention my name if necessary in correspondence between us siblings when discussing our aging mother. I thought about letting her know I noticed her deliberate use of lower case letters only in my name, but realized that would be letting her know I cared to notice, and that it bothered me. I prefer to let her think I’m just too indifferent to even notice or comment on it. Sociopaths just hate to be ignored. They command a lot of attention, even if it’s negative attention. And I don’t want to give her the opportunity of claiming to all that it was an innocent mistake and then accuse me of being paranoid. I know her well enough to know that nothing she does is innocent – she always has an agenda. I just no longer take the bait.

    I like your statement: “It’s not really the Sociopath that we hate, anyhow. It’s the continued injustice of never getting justice for the despicable acts the Sociopath inflicted upon us.” So true, and eventually we come to realize that trying to get justice – or get others to even understand why we distance ourselves – is a futile endeavor. Once you understand that, you don’t even waste your time and effort trying, and things become much easier. Just hit the “ignore” button in your mind!

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    • They’re so funny in their quest and need to minimize us. All lower-case letters…classic! I am so glad you know your worth, Middlechild, and refuse to be baited by her despicable games. Namaste!! ❀

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    • After my comment today, I read back on this previous comment I posted in the past – not sure when. Sounds like I need to follow my own advice!! Your suggestion about a counselor that can help me deal with this is appreciated, but I’d really like to find someone I can talk with face-to-face. Since I don’t live in your state, I need to look for someone here that I can talk to locally. Thanks for your suggestion, but what I meant by my question is how do I locate one that has the type of experience I need? Specifically in dealing with victims of sociopaths such as myself. I think I just need to contact some and ask some key questions to see who is up to speed on the subject. I guess I was hoping there was some kind of directory that gives details of a professional’s specialization in their field.

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  4. Thank you Paula, you have written so many posts that describe my eldest son to a tee. I really need to focus on the positive, loving, nurturing people in my life. They are countless. I have not seen or talked to my eldest son in 17 months, but each day I wonder why he is the way he is.

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  5. Hi Paula,

    Love it!
    I did however try & expose my Soc to some & looked like a ‘Ding Dong’ although I gave a lot of people ‘food for thought’, including the Soc πŸ™‚
    Which brings me to this whole saga &, the enlightenment that people, good people like yourself bring by opening up the discussion,support etc…nourishing our souls like a balm πŸ™‚

    Mindfulness, what a great word & one that the Narc/Soc uses to great advantage also 😦 except they also use thoughtlessness, callousness, emptiness when interacting with us 😦
    Still we rise & rise against them, thankfully as we gain our insight into the Soc realm of lower purpose so, we can find our own Higher purpose πŸ™‚

    I have seen my Soc in action with all of the people mentioned in your blog & sometimes his charismatic tactics/schmoozing (oozing) made me nauseous 😦

    He would tell me, I was charm personified but, I was just being nice with no agenda!
    He gleaned a lot from me & my bubbly personality, would encourage him to ‘Puff up like a Prize Turkey’ LOL & ‘Gobble Gobble’ all the unsuspecting nice people, including me πŸ˜‰

    The Soc uses Mindfulness for their own ends, we use it for self awareness which we now know will stand us in a better position to recognize them & their island πŸ™‚
    Nutrition will aid us in better, healthy lives & the Soc (at least mine) never heeded my warnings so, has narrow arteries/stroke/diabetes, just waiting to pounce.

    I saw him recently from afar just trawling along the bottom of the tank, in predator mode, & I felt ‘Nothing’, it was great to look & feel ‘Nothing’ πŸ™‚
    That bottom feeder was just a short, fat, sad little parasite swimming along with the sharks, (you know the ones :)…..I’m off with the Whales & Dolphins, just mindful of the predators but, jumping for joy πŸ™‚

    Namaste πŸ™‚

    Love & Light πŸ™‚

    PR xoxo

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    • PR – I am so happy to see you, sorry to be off subj – you mentioned a procedure – I can’t even remember the name to get a close enough google – cranial something? Which I am not sure if cranial something is even close! Lol.

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    • Hi NMISIH πŸ™‚

      I’m still here & on DAS πŸ™‚
      I do Gestalt therapy but, Soul Destroyed does Cranial therapy? I am in Australia & SD is in the UK so, I am not sure what cranial therapy involves???
      The Gestalt Therapy is about the feelings/body language & pretty much your whole life & how it shapes you etc….very confronting but, in my case has shown me a pattern of behavior that runs throughout my life/family/generations.
      I think my whole journey til now has been about finally realizing the pattern & changing it once & for all πŸ™‚
      Remember our thoughts control our behavior & beliefs so, think better, think worthy & think you deserve better & you will & do πŸ™‚

      Hope this helps?
      I also hope you are doing well & better/stronger…everyday πŸ™‚
      Love PR xoxo

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    • Thank you, I knew I seen both, and I looked through past blog posts for weeks – I couldn’t find it. Thank you so much. Hope everything is going well for you, as for me I’ve have a goal – waiting for “NO CONTACT” (kids turn 18), I pray for guidance to constantly do what is right, to keep my mouth shut, and my facial expressions in check! Don’t laugh. Seriously, it’s been a long tired road, which is why I inquired about these other methods. I feel like I need to move to another level in healing, if it makes sense? Like something hasn’t been explored? I don’t know.

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    • NMIBSIH πŸ™‚

      Your looking for enlightenment & higher awareness & that is the GOAL πŸ™‚
      Yay you are on your path & glory bound πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
      I believe that throughout all of this, our higher life purpose has been waiting for us to find it πŸ™‚
      It’s a bloody hard road but, we are finally on it & seeing the light, not at the end but, within us πŸ™‚
      It’s hard on you because you have children with your enemy but, you are worth the effort, & when you finally achieve your Goal you will reap the rewards πŸ™‚
      Stay strong, focused on you & be brave as it’s damn hard work but, ultimately worth it.
      The world will be a better place if you hold your ground in love & light πŸ™‚
      Stick with it & remember we can all wear a mask if we have to, just like the Soc except we are real behind it & they are not…faceless clowns that’s all…Just laugh & live well πŸ™‚ Cheers to you πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
      & Hugs, lots & lots of hugs (o) that’s a hug πŸ˜‰
      PR xoxo

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    • See I totally understand, I am not angry, I get annoyed at times. The things he does hurts my feelings for the children only because I know they will never speak up for themselves. It’s the only way he can hurt me with, I don’t care about anything else. What kind of EVIL, uses their children as bait to hurt their mother? It’s insane! Which is why I choose to not be angry and forgive him, obviously he’s sicker than I thought. I just work on me, try and shield the children best I can they will get it.

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    • Smee again NIBSIH πŸ™‚

      He uses the children because he can, he’s childish & immature & that’s the nature of the Soc/Beast.
      They are like selfish little children that grab for things until they’re taught manners. Unfortunately the Soc see’s the children as a ‘means to an end’ & they are his possessions to use & abuse 😦
      You however are onto his game so, just hold tight to those kids, never let them down even if they are against you. Just love them for the beings that they are & they are a big part of YOU πŸ™‚
      Never ever let him stop you showing & giving them your love no matter how hard it is because, one day they will grow up & know you loved them unconditionally & did your best πŸ™‚
      Stand strong in your truth πŸ™‚

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    • The very things you write about is how I feel, I don’t have fear, everything is about love, I do have boundaries (discipline), I want to guide my children into adulthood, not control. He is not this way, he uses his money as a form of control. I am broke – lol. They are young and want things I can’t not afford. It’s okay, time will tell.

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  6. You are following me again. Lol. Unfortunately, I too was the victim of “the mediator”. I refuse to defend my self, I had documented proof, against his “emotional lies”. Your absolutely right there is no victory or defeat, it’s nothingness, for me, anyway, I am watching him, play the game alone. Occasionally, I step in, for the most part I observe, counting down until I can enforce “NO CONTACT”.

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  7. Excellent Paula and spot on. It’s not them we hate, it’s the injustice of what they did to us. Something which I need to work on now because I am tired of hating him, tired of not being able to let this go, tired of looking over my shoulder and tired of thinking about sociopaths and narcissists. We do need to give ourselves a break though. We were fed a lot of lies and mind games. I love what you wrote, especially this: “They are powerless without our Consent”.

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    • Thank you, Sara. Letting go of the last remnants of hate isn’t easy. And we shouldn’t expect it to be easy. Growth is painful! ❀

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  8. Reblogged this on Laura Bruno's Blog and commented:
    Wise words for anyone who has ever had the misfortune of forming some kind of relationship with a sociopath. … And really — given their propensity to rise to the role of bosses, politicians, gurus and “high achievers” — who hasn’t? In recovering our world and our individual lives from the sociopaths’ games, let’s remember to create lives and worlds so wonderful that the sociopath simply becomes obsolete — or, as Paula so aptly puts it:

    “Sociopaths want us to stoop to their level. It validates them. Let’s not do that. Let’s, instead, leave them on their island at the center of their world. It’s where they think they belong, anyhow, so let’s give it to them. Let’s just leave them alone and go about our lives.
    Let’s nurture our conscience, our empathy, our care, our joy and our love for all living things. Let’s step away from the hate. It’s not really the Sociopath that we hate, anyhow. It’s the continued injustice of never getting justice for the despicable acts the Sociopath inflicted upon us.” Use the contrast to springboard forward into something utterly, entirely, obviously, deservedly more wonderful. Blessed Be!

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  9. Did you have a mini Paula in my purse this morning? You have NO IDEA the nail you hit on the head for me with this one. ❀

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  10. Paula you are so right about not stooping to their level. In the beginning I tried to give the N a “taste of his own medicine” which totally backfired on me because I ended up feeling guilt ridden which just empowered the N. He then manipulated me with my guilt, even though I apologized and never did it again I never lived it down. A normal person can never beat a narcissist/psychopath at their own game; our conscience won’t allow it. We are much stronger when we stay true to ourselves.
    Great post

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  11. Duly noted Paula. especially the part where you said, “Let’s nurture our conscience, our empathy, our care, our joy and our love for all living things. Let’s step away from the hate. It’s not really the Sociopath that we hate, anyhow. It’s the continued injustice of never getting justice for the despicable acts the Sociopath inflicted upon us.”

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  12. the Sociopath, what a tricky subject, but so true when we encounter such people whom seem indifferent to the rules of decorum; you are right and we must be mindful that there are those not playing by the rules; that’s where setting clear borders comes into play, knowing full well what is right and what is wrong.
    But maybe something will right themselves right those who are indifferent to other people’s pain. I believe the brain can adapt and adjust itself and it seems that nutrition is a big factor in how people interface with the world; I have it in my head if we want to make the world a better place we have to make sure we are feeding future generations more wholesome food, but maybe I am off on a tangent here and i apologize.
    good post, got me thinking about who is what and what is who

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  13. So beautifully written. I, too, have been pushed to the point where I felt completely lost to myself and the person I thought I was ( and the ideals I felt I would always uphold). Our greatest strength against sociopaths is our unremitting belief in our highest selves. They are powerless when confronted with such energy.

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