couples yoga

couples yogaThis is not a man-hating blog.

I try to avoid this type of defensive post at all costs. After all, this is my blog and I can write about what I want to write about, right?

Unfortunately, there seems to be something in the air (or the stars or maybe even in the water) lately that keeps directing my attention back to the fact that some who stumble upon this blog think I’m a man-hater.

On the contrary. I love men. I am fascinated by the differences between men and women. I think men and women have the potential to truly complement each other in beautiful ways. Physiologically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I love men.

In particular, I love my husband. Without him and his support, this blog probably wouldn’t be as active as it has been over the past 18 months. He gives me the courage and the confidence to speak out against what happened to me. He believes I am a good person. He boosts me when I am having my doubts. He knows that I do this less for me and more for everyone else who has been in similar situations, similar toxic relationships.

So no. I am no man-hater.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a hater. I am an abuse-hater.

  • I hate acts that are perpetrated without a conscience, without care, without remorse and without an ounce of genuine empathy.

  • I hate negative judgement of others that come from a place of righteousness and intolerance.

  • I hate control of other’s emotions, thoughts, actions and characters.

  • I hate blaming and shaming for the sole purpose of blaming and shaming.

I hate control. Period. Everything listed above is an act of control which equals abuse. I don’t care if it’s man, woman or child who inflicts abuse. I hate abuse.

  • Trying to convince another who they should be friends with and how they should interact with those friends is abuse.

  • Demanding that your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend make decisions only after you have given the okay is abuse.

  • Belittling your intimate partner about his/her past is abuse.

  • Discounting and purposely dismissing a person’s opinions or ability to think for themselves is abuse.

  • Sitting there reading my words and wishing you could jump through the screen and tell me I’m full of shit is abuse.

(It’s perfectly okay to be abusive if that’s how you wish to live your life. But don’t expect the rest of us to sit back and take it or to be silent about it. None of us are willing victims. None of us are willing to sacrifice our spirits and our wish to live beautifully and free just so you can perpetuate your abuse upon us.)

Every post I write can be rewritten from a male perspective. Every he can be a she. Every him can be a her. Every his can be a hers.

What makes my story and experience relatable to many isn’t my sex/gender or my abuser’s sex/gender. What readers should focus on is the behavior and characteristics of abuse described.

Granted, few men come to this blog and post comments. But that goes back to how men and women are so beautifully different in how we are in this world. Women are natural nurturers and want to be present for each other. That means commenting and sharing openly.

Men are not that open or as willing to present their inner conflict with others. And I respect and admire that.

I do get the occasional e-mail or phone call from men. It honestly over joys me when I do. The men who have contacted me are just as confused and in just as much need of understanding as the women with whom I have connected.

I want everyone, regardless of their gender or sexual preference to feel safe reaching out, lurking about and commenting on this blog.

I am not a man-hater. I don’t see only men as sociopaths. I simply write what I know and have experienced. I am a woman. My abuser was a man. That’s where discussion of gender should end.


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abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 27 Comments

  1. You keep repeating over and over that you don’t hate men. That’s says alot right there. Let me tell you something- many, many women hate men. Either they don’t admit it, or they are deeply in denial. I read the daily news everyday. I live in NYC, so that is my hometown paper. I read it every day,and the amount of murder-suicides done by men is astounding. Men murder their kids wives, and girlfriends all of the time. Rape is an epidemic all over the world. Who are committing these crimes? The Easter bunny? Men are dangerous. I think it’s impossible to have a well balanced heterosexual marriage. Men choose to try to dominate, and you know it’s true. I used to think India was a beautiful country. Men throw acid in women’s faces for laughing too much. Rape is an epidemic in Pakistan , Afghanistan, and right here in the USA. I don’t trust men as far as I can throw them. I am a rape survivor, like most women I know. You are right about what you said about abuse. That’s an eye opener. I am somewhat of a lesbian separatist, but being that. 100% is impossible. I get sexually harrassed nearly every day. It makes me so angry! Men do not look at me like a whole person. Just a piece of ass to conquer. That is why I hate men.


    • We receive what we give. If I only gave hate, where is the hope for me? I hate abusive behavior, but I choose not to focus on changing people who choose to hurt others. That’s up to them. Instead, I choose to focus on changing myself, and I need hope for that. So each time I meet someone new, man or woman, I have hope that it will be a positive and healthy exchange. Otherwise, what is the purpose in living? I understand your point of view. I do. But hate is the last emotion I want to feel toward anyone with the potential to change. And there in lies the rub. I do not think people without a conscience care about changing themselves. They just care about changing others to comply with their twisted realities. That’s control. That’s abuse. I hate abuse.


  2. […] due to my recent post about this not being a man-hating blog or maybe due to something aligning perfectly in the cosmos, but recently I have been contacted by […]


  3. I am not a man hater either. But ya know what .. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to ! The issue is abuse and abusers hate strong women.


  4. Guess I should post on your blog more often! Paula, I’ve been following your writings (this blog, Facebook, and your first book), and I haven’t spotted one word of misandry!
    You are an inspiration. 🙂


  5. Hi Paula,

    Your not a man-hater, I’m not a man-hater either 🙂
    Men however do hold the balance of power in our society which, is still reflected the world over & women & children are often the innocent victims of this power & control & that is a fact 😦
    You are not a man-basher, you are an empathetic person who helps many, many people & I appreciate your voice & your opinion 🙂
    You live in a democracy you have a free right to it 🙂
    In the end only kindness matters & you are a very kind person/soul. Sharing your life & story is empowering others like me 🙂
    Keep up the good work & ‘bah humbug’ the neigh sayers!

    Love & Light 😉
    PR xoxo


  6. Paula, so sorry you went through that with the magazine article. How are we going t stop these predaters or even address the issues if we can not tell our stories. If I have to take down the ex-narc’s name it defeats the purpose of the blogs which was to tell the truth and alert future targets. If you know somone murdered someone isn’t it ok to say,”hey joe bloe commited a murder”—we have registrys for sex offenders so why can’t we have a registry for narcs. Why aren’t women believed when we tell our stories. Yes, I have been going through the same thing and have been called a liar why because the narc says I am a liar, really? serioulsy? We can not effect change in the world until our stories are told and our stories are heard. And just because the narc puts up a good facade does not mean that we are liars, or haters or jealous.

    The goddess energies are rising up, women are reclaiming power and those who fear her are those who fear being exposed for the less-thans that they are.

    Write on Paula, you have the energy of the goddess supporting your work.


    • Ivonne,

      I believe what you’re saying about the goddess energy and all good energy in general. I believe we are on a precipice of real change, but we can’t allow these annoying little evil buggers to scare us into shutting up.

      I don’t think I could stop writing if I tried. And I did try earlier this year to stop, but something kept nudging me and urging me. I feel something big, a big change, a paradigm shift is ready to explode across the planet.

      I feel it deep inside of me and through the connections I have formed on this blog and with others I have met face-to-face. Collectively, our voices and intuitions are powerful. Very powerful. Even if they were to take away our blogs and our websites, we’d still be able to find each other because now we know many of us exist. Many of us. More than them. ❤ ❤


  7. Unfortunately, Paula does need to explain herself. We live in a culture that has little or no respect for real women with voices. To have a voice at all as a woman, especially one that flies in the face of today’s most venerated heroes, the vampires, borders on blasphemy. Is exaggerated materialism and objectification a male trait, perpetuated by patriarchal, force-oriented memes? I don’t know. Maybe the men who assume she is pointing at them directly, those who just can’t get around seeing in her blog a kind of blanket sexism can tell us. It amazed me, when I go into public, how many people are stuck in the mind-set and lingo of abuse…and they seem to get excited by it. Is this the meaning of Babylon? Watch out, oh Criar. People are very attached to their pretty illusions.


  8. Paula, I don’t understand why you feel you have to defend your self. Everyone knows women gather and discuss their “feelings and relationships” more than men do, from the beginning of time. The medical community has done focus groups on it! Nothing on your blog is precluding anyone from discussing their relationship issues. The focus is on the behavior of the NS, not the gender. On a personal note, female NS’s scare me more than male, No offense to the NS’s.


  9. What a farce to accuse you of being a man-hater. Man-haters say things like “all men suck”, or “all men are assholes” or “all men should be banished from the earth”. For the life of me, I’ve not ever read you generalize all men into a category of hate-worthy.


    • I think some make the generalization because they recognize themselves in what I write. It’s a fear-based conclusion. Like, if I don’t explicitly acknowledge that I don’t hate men, then the opposite must be true. Illogical thinking. But we’re familiar with dealing with that, huh? 🙂 ❤


    • Well you’ve explicitly stated it now, so if they have any room in their butts next to their heads, they can put this there.
      And yeah, I recognize illogical thinking. I’m drowning in illogical thinking right now from one who recognizes himself in my writing.


    • Make no mistake I understand in a public forum, you want to appeal to your readers and squash and misconceptions of branding any type of discrimination. By defending yourself aren’t you succumbing to being one of the “voiceless women” your describing? Because I for one, make no excuses for what I do, except ownership and apologies, (when I feel are necessary). So I am slightly confuse at the moment.


    • Yesterday, a story that I published to elephant journal back in February 2013, Lessons in Life and Love I Learned from a Sociopath, was unpublished for reasons unknown to me other than the standard response I received from the ej founder and CEO:

      “We can’t publish articles, legally, that are at all recognizable about folks–that’s slander or defamation. If you can reedit so the person you’re writing about is unrecognizable to all who know you or him or anyone, we can refeature it.”

      I say BS to that lame excuse considering the only name used in the article was my own. So in taking down my story for fear of being accused of slander or defamation, I am essentially being called a liar?

      I’m not voiceless and this post simply serves to clarify that. I am not afraid of being called a liar or a man-hater, but I’m also not going to just stand by and allow it.


  10. Huh. I never thought you hated men. Never even entered my mind.

    Just the fact that you wrote this post is a vivid indicator of how society views strong women. If we speak up we must hate men/be lesbians/have penis envy. Very sad that your message, Abuse is Wrong, has been distilled into a battle of the sexes and “political correctness.”


    • I don’t think any of the regular blog followers are this obtuse. But I have had a few recent anonymous comments posted and got some feedback from someone who is a friend letting me know how my blog was being critiqued. And because not everyone openly shares their opinions, I thought I’d clear the air for the many undisclosed and similar opinions. Hehe!


    • The Patriarchy speaks, eh? What a load!


  11. Awesome! Awesome! Awesome post! Anyone that has ever truly read your writing would know you are not a man hater, therefore it seems to me that the haters are simply not paying attention. You keep writing and the ones that get it will be the lucky ones, indeed.


  12. I am so glad you addressed this issue. The issue is abuse and abusers, not gender.


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