marianne williamson quoteIf you’re reading this, you probably supplement your healing and recovery from sociopathic abuse using Facebook or blogs in some capacity.

Over the last 30 months, the people, pages and private groups I trust, like, follow and learn from have changed and evolved as my healing and outlook changed and evolved. Pages I religiously picked over 12 months ago are no longer the same pages I pick over today.

It’s not that I don’t value those pages or groups anymore. On the contrary. Those pages and groups served me well, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.

You see, this journey to find our peace after sociopathc abuse consists of stages. In order to naturally progress in our healing, we must be able to recognize when it’s time to move from one stage to the next stage. Sometimes it happens naturally. But sometimes we stay in one stage longer than another, or we fail to realize we need to move on and end up getting stuck in a certain stage.

The following are the stages I have entered, so far, in my healing journey:

1. Confusion (12 months) Upon escaping the boy in my story, I was desperately confused. I knew that the relationship was toxic while in it, because I suffered great anxiety, depression and self-destructive behaviors. Yet, even after leaving and taking a step back to look at the relationship from the outside in, I struggled with making sense of what happened and dove deeper into depression and self-loathing. I thought exiting the relationship would bring me immediate peace; instead, it just made me more confused and doubtful.

2. Awareness of Sociopaths (3 months) While depressed, drinking to self-soothe on occasion and seeing a counselor regularly, I began independent research and study into personality disorders and bipolar disorder. I didn’t begin this research because I thought my abuser (the boy in my story) was mentally unstable. I began my research because my abuser told me I was mentally unstable, and I needed to understand what it was about me that I needed to change. Within a few short weeks of reading and digesting information and taking online tests and asking my psychiatrist pointed questions about this disorder or that disorder, I came to the conclusion that in my research into personality disorders, I was not learning about myself but about my abuser.

Don’t get me wrong. In this early stage, I was clearly unstable. I was. And I was fully aware of it. I had no trust in my abilities to think or rationalize clearly or with any effectiveness. However, I thankfully realized that I was not as severely broken as the boy in my story would have liked me to believe. And this realization led to the next stage.

3. Anger and Denial (5 months) I was pissed. I was angry at myself and angry at my ex. I oscillated between absolutely believing my ex was a monster to denying that sociopaths really existed. This oscillation caused so much confusion and frustration. I was so angry, but I didn’t want to be angry and sought various outlets for my anger.

My blog writing picked up momentum and so did my yoga practice. I did a 30-day yoga challenge and was determined to dump the anger in anyway I could. It wasn’t a healthy choice, however. I was forcing it when I should have been more gentle and mindful with myself. I was not reaching out for the help I needed. and I was still self-soothing with booze, which resulted in a serious alcohol-related setback. I reached the lowest, yet highest point of my anger and discovered I suffered from post traumatic stress but was too ashamed to talk about it. So I kept writing and trying to purge my anger. It worked to a degree, but I still found myself frustrated and angry at myself for my inability to fix myself. Daily, I found myself wishing and hoping for my ex and his family to die from self-implosion. My anger was not controlled nor was it healthy. But, today, I see that it was necessary to reach the next stage.

4. Acceptance and Self-Focused Healing (ongoing) – Being angry just got old, and my body and mind asked me to please stop and to focus on the rest of my life. I took an inventory of my life and the people in it. I deconstructed myself in order to reconstruct and build a new self. I could never go back to who I was before the sociopath. Never. But I also wanted to be better than I was before.

I began to value my skills and abilities and my worth in an amazing and profound way. I journeyed into discovering my faith and spirituality. I let go of many, many material things from my toxic relationship that I recognized were burdening me: photographs, gifts from the boy, clothing worn while in the toxic relationship, emails, texts, voicemails, and letters and cards. I purged myself of the love affair completely. It was difficult, because I still have love letters from boys I dated in high school and early college. Being sentimental has it’s disadvantages when the other half of a love relationship is pathologically disordered. I kept writing on my blog but my writing became more hopeful, less angry and more uplifting. (Well, at least that was my hope.)

These were and continue to be my stages of healing. Yours are surely different but with overlapping similarities.If you are active on Facebook and on pages and in groups, keep in mind that each stage requires us to absorb and focus on different kinds of support and information available across many different kinds of pages and groups.

I had to let go of people and pages and groups as I became more and more aware and progressed in my healing. Unfortunately, I held onto some pages and groups for too long in some cases. But, eventually, I recognized how I was becoming stagnant in my mind, knowledge and everyday life. Removing myself and discovering the next stage of support was not me being fickle. It didn’t go against my ability to be loyal. I was and have continued to be loyal to myself when it comes to moving and growing.

This is YOUR healing. No one else’s. Don’t allow anyone to tell you what you can and can not say, do or think. If you are an active participant in your healing, you are the master of your healing. You are the center of your learning and evolution.

No page, page creator or group facilitator has all of the information you need at exactly the right time and stage that you need it.

The moment you start feeling you’re no longer benefiting from a page (including this page), hide it from your feed and go in search of a page that speaks to where you are now. Don’t even bother saying goodbye. Really. Just silently and gracefully walk away.

Your first priority is to you. Be selfish for a change. If others are actively participating in their healing and recovery, they’ll understand in time if they don’t understand in the moment.

Peace and namaste!
~Paula

© Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications, 2012 – 2013.

Category:
abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing, Yoga
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Join the conversation! 37 Comments

  1. Week 1 out for the 3rd time. I can’t stop thinking is it me. He seems to fit all 18 signs of what I perceive him to be and reading stories there are a lot of similarities. I wanted a better life for him he told me he wanted a better life for himself. His family thanked me for all I was doing for him because they gave up. That made me feel uncomfortable and I felt he resented me for that.

    There was always other girls he would run back to if we fought. Yet still denies cheating. Mostly our fights were I didn’t feel appreciated or something came up about a girl. I turned so paranoid everyone was suspicious to me? He always had a story about a girl. Kept friends with exes even tho they ended it. He told me everything was all about me and not him. I tried to talk about things but there would be rage or questions answered with questions. I would get so angry and I started to fight back to the physical threats. After the storm was the only time I felt we talked.

    Was it me making him change his life? Even though I thought that’s what he wanted too. Should I have been more patient it was his life choices anyway?! Was I being a narcissist thinking I knew what was best? Many times I said look you want to do this and that but that’s not where I am in my life, maybe we should separate rather than continue. He would just say it’s what he wanted too and was willing to do everything. The actions never came though. But isn’t love patience? He asked me to be patient many times but it was going to take time. I feel let down As I feel I put so much in. He now doing the pity story but it frustrates me it’s only half the story

    Even being on the site makes me feel like I may be still giving to much time.

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  2. I’m grateful to be out of my relationship with a sociopath for over a week however he still has to return to get the rest of his stuff out of the home we once shared. I am renewing the lease at the end of this month by myself and he has until that time and I am changing the locks. I had to go to extreme measures by having the utilities disconnected which were in my name because he has no credit and never paid me for them anyways but it worked. He left after going through a rage and then I threatened to call the police if he returned after the neighbors heard him rant, scream and threaten to destroy my property. I asked him NOT to contact me until 60 minutes prior to when he was arriving. That lasted for a week. Tonight he texts to let me know he would be coming by this weekend or next to get his things. I replied, “When specifically”. He said he did not know. I asked why he contacted me. I am sure he was fishing for my reaction and emotions and to open the door for any lines of communication. I did not respond with any.

    After more than 4 years in this horrific relationship I can honestly say I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, living in a tent than to be with this crazy man. I look back now and no longer wonder, what did I do wrong or why aren’t I worthy of love. I simply pride myself in the fact I was able to survive and get out alive and with my sanity intact. A week ago when he first left I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to move forward or in what direction, all I knew was I would by the Grace of God. I was determined I would not regress because NOTHING could be any worse than where I was. A week later I am in a MUCH better place. I still struggle each day because I’m learning to live life all over again in a positive way that I am not accustomed to but as I achieve small goals I gain more confidence. I am NOT looking forward to when he does return and I have to see him again. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t want him stealing anything that belongs to me. So far I’ve been blessed and things have gone well. I just want him gone for good. I then have to get some new furniture but I’m excited about this no matter how long it takes to redecorate the way I want things to be. I have initiated no contact and the longer I do the better off I have been. All the times in the past I never followed this rule. Even the times I was sure being out of the relationship was best for me, I felt like being “just friends” was permissible. I am a believer in “forgiveness” so I thought that meant I had to respond to his texts/calls and be amicable. That is NOT what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt and anger. It is an act, not a feeling. It’s done, it’s over. I am powerless over what has occurred but I am now in total control of taking actions to ensure this doesn’t happen again by removing myself totally from the situation. The first step in that process is NO CONTACT.

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    • Thank you, Summertime! Your words are true and very inspiring. Remain focused on your self-worth and self-love. Any attempts to lure you in will be averted. 🙂

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    • Summertime, I left 3 weeks ago. I know how hard it is… I hope you are strong and have no contact with your ex. Stuff isn’t worth it; I lost a lot of money and a lot of stuff and getting away was so more valuable. I ended up staying another year because I got roped back in over STUFF – once he had his claws in me again, it was so much harder to leave the next time… Make sure you stay strong, and if you need support reply to this!!! Stay away, their prowess is so powerful and dangerous – STAY THE COURSE AND STAY STRONG!!!! Keep your promise of NO CONTACT!

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    • AWWW, thank you Grace. I had forgotten all about this post and went back to reread it with such great pride at how far I had actually come from that day. It’s now been over a month and I’ve stuck with no contact on my end and so has he with contacting ME directly but he has not missed a beat with contacting everyone else and I just don’t know when it will all end. At first it started with his family. Now keep in mind he was allowed to come back with a UHAUL, go through the entire house and take whatever he wanted. He brought MY brother in law along (without anyone in my family having the decency to let me know this in advance) Of course I had the police here the entire time to make sure he didn’t do anything to hurt me or steal my stuff because a week earlier he did come back when I wasn’t home and steal my TV and some other things but like you said, who cares. When he left I even texted to tell him he left a few things behind and I told him I would have them delivered to his work. He wanted to meet me somewhere in public. I refused so he got mad and told me to keep them and never contact him again. I told him fine, I would throw everything away but to remember that worked both ways and included third party contact and my family members. I have never contacted since 10/19. HE was the one who said NO CONTACTED and I agreed. A week later his sister calls. Says he wants his iron and ironing board back. Out of everything he left behind worth value he wants an iron/ironing board back that he has never used in years. I told her everything he left has been thrown away. Another week later, his mother calls. I text her back nicely and said we had made an agreement not to communicate with each other’s family. The following week his sister, who has now caught on and is my biggest supporter lets me know all my family are now his Facebook friends. His mother even tells him that is not appropriate, it’s time for him to move on, he never liked my family when we were together, no need now to be friends. I nicely message my sister, explain that I am having challenges with ending the relationship and have established NO CONTACT and ask if she could please discontinue sending him Facebook friend request, he was not a part of our family, we were not married, my children and I were trying to recover and move on with our lives and this was making it difficult for us to do so. No response, they are still friends. I contact the local police who tell me it’s perfectly legal for him to communicate with my friends and family. I leave it alone. Obviously my family is gaining some type of pleasure of seeing this is distressing me. Yesterday my step mother sends me a message saying he just texted her and said he wanted her to pass along a message to me that since he didn’t renew our lease he would like his 1/2 of the security deposit back. I used to think she was an intelligent woman until I read this. I wanted to give her some kind of the benefit of the doubt thinking he could be telling her lies about me or why the relationship ended and she may be under some kind of impression that I had done him wrong but then I got to thinking ANYONE would have the sense enough to know if you paid a security deposit to someone for a rental property and were due a refund the person you would contact would be the landlord. She had to know this so I asked her, why did she think he was contacting her and not me? Why would he be contacting her and not the landlord? Why would he waiting over a month after he moved and contacting anyone? Could she not see what he was trying to do? No reply.

      I’m all in agreement to the NO CONTACT. Just the thought of him is enough to unnerve me much less having to deal with him directly would be beneath me at this point but on the other hand, I don’t know what it will take to make him stop. I can’t count on the police. I certainly can’t count on my family. His family is helping me and even if my family ever catches the clue and they stop will he move on to the next venue of communicating with me and contact someone at my job? He’s smart enough to know how to do things where there are no legal repercussions. He doesn’t have a new supply source fully in place yet. He is still working on that. I was his sole provider. He’s barely making it now. Living off of mommy dearest and working a low paying full time job where he has garnishment isn’t meeting the needs of his lifestyle for the rich and famous. He wants revenge because he NEVER expected to get what he got when he told me he wanted out of this relationship. He lost complete control over me. He thought I would beg, plead, cry, take all responsibility and do whatever it took to keep him hanging around so he could use me until he got his new plans ready so he could discard me and move on. Any suggestions?

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  3. I wrote an entirely too long post that was not published because I forgot to fill out the above info.
    I thank you all for sharing your stories because I feel that I can finally understand that I am a victim, not the aggressor. I started to feel like the negativity was my fault when in actuality it was learned behavior from the person controlling me. It’s going to take a long time to get over the emotional damage even though I am very rational and understanding. I finally started being a “hardass” and refusing to accept the behaviors of my boyfriend which was only accompanied by him cutting me down physically and emotionally.
    I know I’m a good person and that other people share my ideas on how to live life and treat others. It’s sad that my ex doesn’t respect himself to respect others. We all need time to heal, and that timing will be different for everyone. The quicker we realize that we are being the best person we can be on a daily basis, that we are not at fault for others actions

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    • We all deserve the best in life even if it means being selfish sometimes. Never give up on who you want to be, if you’re with the right person there should be no need to compromise your dreams or settle. They should be the one supporting and encouraging your dreams and achievements as an individual. Our true sense of self can always be found, when we accept that we are no longer willing to live our lives under someone else’s umbrella full of holes.

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    • Thank you, Stacey. We all suffer feeling unfairly responsible and carrying the burden of everything bad that happened inside the relationship. And as your note, it comes down to self-respect. These people don’t have any, why on earth would we expect them to afford us respect? 🙂

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  4. I was in a day to day rut and he showed up. A breath of fresh air – my prince charming. Saying all the right things, trips and gifts galore. Promising a future that never really existed. Married at first what he said was 2 times prior but I later found out was really 3 times prior should’ve clearly been a red flag. My friends all said run away you are better than this – but I told them all they were wrong about him. I stupidly thought I was different that this was different. I can remember the first time I saw his other super scary side in October of 2012 berating me physically, emotionally and mentally. I should’ve walked away then. Or when I found his disposable cell phone with 12 other women’s phone numbers in it – I should’ve walked away then. Confused as to how a man with an extremely busy and successful career, who called me constantly to question where I was and what I was doing under the impression of “I just love you and you are so beautiful I just don’t want to lose you” could have time to interact with 12 other women as I could barely handle my career and him. Or the day before Thanksgiving 2013 when I found his stash of videos he had recorded having sex with 10 prostitutes in London when he was on a 2 day “business trip” – the most disgusting part was they were dated while he was married to his 3rd wife and she was 6 months pregnant with their child. There were no limits, no boundaries for him.
    He isolated me from everyone in my life, told me to discard my old life and build a new life with him. When he was “on” there was (and sometimes I think never will be) no better. Amazing through an through. And then like a light switch, in an instance he would be another person. Insanely jealous and the lies kept coming and coming. I couldn’t even dream up the various layers of deceit. And so here I am almost 3 years of my life wasted on a lie. Finally coming to terms with the fact that this will not work – there is no happily ever after with this monster. I pray to god to tell me why this has happened to me? What did I do to deserve this? I have tried to leave so many times – this time I am determined. I refuse to take his calls despite his baited messages because I know if I talk to him I will be sucked right back in to the insanity and I want of this roller coaster because it is killing me. The silver lining for me is that we never married or had children (thank god) so I can walk away right now and pretend like it never happened. Atleast on the outside. On the inside I am going through the motions, vasillating between sad, anxious, determined, numb, histerical. Sometimes I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I think this man has taken me to the edge and sadly I think he would’ve taken some sick pleasure if I killed myself. But I won’t because I refuse to let him win. He will not destroy me or own me one more day. He will get no return calls ever and if he shows up at my doorstep the police will be called and he will be served with a restraining order.
    I really appreciate the article and also the attached comments. It helps to see I’m not alone and that there are others that have been through this and are doing well. I’d like to be ME again someday. Thanks for listening : )

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    • JM, Thank you for sharing your story. Please believe that you did not ask for this or invite it into your life. You were preyed upon and manipulated. What you have attracted is the support and understanding that will serve as your validation and strength to defend yourself against further abuse and manipulations. Knowledge and awareness of what they are is our power. 🙂

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    • Wow, you just said every detail of my life-minus the cheating (as far as I know). I can’t understand why or how this happened to me, because the whole time he would say to me “don’t let people walk all over you” when in fact, he was doing it himself. It’s been about 2 weeks since we parted ways, and today we were texting and it did not end well. Started off with the I’m sorry and I’ll get better speech, and turned into you are hooking up with the neighbor and lying to me speech. I think I’m still in the denial stage of him actually being a psychopath, because I really am unable to understand how you could treat another human like that.
      I have read several articles and all the behaviors are spot on. Controlling, manipulating, no remorse for personal actions, and most of all making me feel like nothing without him. I don’t have a lot of female friends and generally get along better with men, and he made me alienate all my previous friendships with men because I got tired of being accused of cheating. In my opinion, if you’re pointing the finger, you’re trying to take the blame away from yourself. I should be able to have friends and contacts with males or females without question. He has female friends, and I never doubted his loyalty until he started accusing me.
      He still has most of his things in our home, and I like the idea of having a police officer present when he comes to get them.
      I was previously in a physically abusive relationship, and many of the same behaviors apply to this relationship, without the physical abuse. The mental exhaustion is insane. The second guessing your gut, knowing you’re not crazy, but still feeling like it’s all in your head and being too embarrassed to share your situation with anyone.
      I appreciate what everyone has shared because I’m starting to feel a sense of normalcy. My favorite saying is to “never give up”. We are kind people, and that’s why we were taken advantage of. There are millions of us out there. After this experience in our lives we just have to remember that we are our own person, we don’t rely on others to define us, and we deserve the utmost happiness(even if it means being selfish sometimes). Thank you for letting me vent.

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    • Thank you, Anonymous!! I appreciate your very wise words. We all need a little reminder now and then…today was a good day for one. 🙂

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  5. thank you paula….

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  6. Thank you so much for writing this.Im 10 months out of mine and having a difficult day.This has helped put it into perspective .
    love and light to you 🙂

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  7. Thank you Pheonix rising. This is anonymous from 9-19-13. I appreciate your comments and the referral to the other site, dating a sociopath. I checked that out as well. Helpful!
    I struggle with feeling like I am the sociopath sometimes. I am still in a legal battle. Unfortunately I was still deep in my fog of shock when I began my divorce and I was talked into an agreement that fuels his control. So I am now trying to change things. It is not easy, or cheap. Yet I am hopeful. I am forced to think like a sociopath so often that I start to panic that I will be sighted as one. I have to think like one, in order to stay on top of the evil game. Everything I have read has played out. It is the twisting of the rules and the winning of the game that fuels him. And the rules continuously change.
    At any rate, your comments really help. Anytime someone says to me that they get it, vs telling me what I should have done differently or should do, I feel a huge sense of relief. There is no preparing or knowing. There is only surviving and trusting your inner voice.
    I see that you are from Melbourne. I have been to Australia, I LOVE it there. Soon, as I move into a more confident place, I may be able to share where I am from, who I am. Slowly…baby steps….
    Thank you!!!!!

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    • I used to think OMG – I am thinking like “HIM”. But after a while, I realized I most certainly am NOT! I am simply being myself like I always have, and he is being “The Monster” he always will be. There comes a moment of realization, when you realize, “HEY! I am me again!” And you proceed with life! It takes a while, lots of books, lots of cries, lots of “God, why me?” (I still ask the question at times). You have to be patient with your self, you were a victim of a horrible crime! A thief stole your heart! I don’t know about you, but I struggle with being a victim. I do not have a victim mentality, mind set, I am a fighter, (probably made me more of a challenge). So to think I was ever someone’s victim of anything, was/is very difficult. I accept it, (I still don’t like it, lol). I am not ashamed of it, it’s part of my life, I didnt choose to be his victim, nobody chooses to be, we are chosen. 😔

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    • Thank you for your comment. I too believed I was a fighter. He praised me for it, always. Also for my keen senses, my “sixth” sense on how to pick up on deceptive people. He remarked often, how safe our kids would be having someone like me, with great intuitive skills. And when I was weakened and shocked and oozing shame, I felt okay with being a victim. Until he started to compete. And I cannot begin to compete with a sociopath/victim. I avoid it at all costs.
      I became so much of a fighter, that I couldn’t turn it off. The minute I did, something would fly from behind me and smack me down. I didn’t want to seem like a victim, even though I am. I quickly tried to let that go and deal with it. At least from his cruelty. But there is so much more to it. The legal system can be turned against you. And it has been against me, so now I am fighting within that. Which is the hardest thing I have ever done. It requires a great deal of optimism and faith. In myself. That is the lesson I am gaining from all this. And I do thank him, I am grateful that I am not him. I am finding out who I always knew I was, but hadn’t yet seen her in action. I think…..it is a lesson in living with the unexpected.

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    • I had to lay low “heal” think, all the above. During this time my ex, believed he “won”. No, I just took my self out of his line of fire to work on me, I was shattered in toooo many pieces to deal with him, (not because of him, had several other life altering events on top of our fake marriage). But when I was put back together. WHOA! He was not ready! Unfortunately, he still expects me to lay down and be the welcome mat, apparently he forgot the “original” woman I was when he married me. Hmmp too bad for him! I think people forget, there is nothing wrong, with sitting on the sidelines and watching the game. After seeing the same tired plays, you can get a better defense. Then when your ready get back in.

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    • I appreciate so much that you can validate my words, experience. This is all VERY scary for me. My trust in other people has been tested, to say the least. I too had life drama, on top of being informed I had been living a lie, so it has been a very complicated two years. Not to mention a very very stressful marriage that I was very proud of, despite the fact I was living a lie. I was holding things together, barely, not knowing I was holding up a house of cards. I thought I was strong and had recovered about 6 months ago, but I was slammed back. Each time I fall for the fake “nice” person mask he wears, not that I am trying to consider him real at all, I am reminded what I am dealing with. It was this blog, as well as my unwavering family love and friend support, that has helped me to see and to learn to deal with him on two levels. Any communication I have has to be to the sociopath. Formal, rigid and clear. It is so easy to be tricked and deceived.
      Thank you again, your words make me feel strong.

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    • Any one persons pain, suffering and loss is universal. Pain has no discrimination whatsoever, it will effect every and all human beings, like or not. So when someone says they are hurting, I always reflect back to my most hurtful moments in my life and equate it to my own broken heart, because only the grace of God carried me through it. I couldn’t have done it on my own, nor did I want to at the time. Each day got a little bit better, slowly. Some days were “Public” days some says were not! LOL! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, what matters what is healthy for you. I made several mistakes. I didn’t talk to anyone, because I was ashamed. Only my therapist, psych and boyfriend. I didn’t tell my dad for 4 years. And I don’t think I told my dad or boyfriend the whole truth because it’s too much for them. (Sometimes, they really can’t handle the whole truth). Maybe I should of journaled my feelings? Because at least they are out of my head. Even if I just burned them in the fire place. There’s a lot of things. But then I wasn’t aware of how sick my ex is either. The biggest thing I am grateful for is to forgive and forget everything he has done. If anything, I am sad for him, in the end if our children are anything like the both of us. They will get sick of his ways and cut him out of their lives. Unfortunately, he and I both posses the “we are sick of your BS, don’t talk to me again, no for reals” gene. It’s been handed down to my older two children, I think my fourth has it, my daughter, she is a a coin toss, only time will tell. I am sadden to think he will not enjoy them as I do, they only see him as a big fat $$ machine. Where if there is an emergency, they will call me. I rather be thought of as “reliable and genuine” than “call me for a good time”. Eww – anyway! The hurt does stop and you do find yourself, but your different, then your old self. Its pretty amazing. Hey, I actually learned patience, out of this whole “I never loved you, get out of my house!” Ha! 😊 ! See old dogs can learn new tricks! LOL!
      NIB

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    • Hi Anon 🙂

      Your welcome & another site for insight is Thomas Sheridan & also
      http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

      Loads of great blogs etc…for awareness & I have some great ones for healing as well.
      A lot of others are walking with you on the legal journey especially on Dating a Soc & the writer of the blog is doing it tough at the moment for legal reasons.
      You are not alone & many people here & elsewhere are here to support & care for you.
      Stay strong & one day, share your story, it’s good to write about it & helps others 🙂
      Love & Light & a big hug all the way from Melbourne Australia (0) tha’ts a hug!

      PR xoxo

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  8. Thank you for this entry about the stages. I truly believe they are different for everyone. What I have very recently climbed out of is fear. Some call it PTSD, some anxiety. But I think the root is in fear. And just saying that I have climbed out, is anxiety provoking. It is almost like the thing I fear lurks in the wee corners of my world, just waiting for me to show any signs of leaving it behind and it slams me back in it’s trap. This may sound irrational and maybe it is. Finding out that your best friend and partner betrayed you for sixteen years, on every level imaginable, is very damaging. Never mind unfair and stressful. It is like waking up on a new planet, every week.
    I am divorced from a very dishonest and deceptive man. I presume he is a sociopath, though I would never say so officially. I am constantly watching everything I do and say as we are still in a legal battle of sorts. He is trying to use the tiny fragments of his perceived power to control anything and everything he can.
    Finding this blog has helped me to compartmentalize (also a word that terrifies me, as this is what sociopaths do….they box all their different truths up so they can manage multiple levels of lying) the sociopath VS the person with a mask on. It is terribly easy to get fooled by the person with the mask, even when you think you are over it and finally seeing clearly. You have been damaged, so you are not seeing clearly even when you think you are and all your friends and family think you are. You are still healing, and this takes time. More time than you ever thought possible. Overcoming this is the best test of patience there is.
    My anger occurs when people tell me I am so angry and I need to let it go. They do not understand, I am completely paralyzed with fear. Not angry. Like a caged animal, who is constantly being threatened. My betrayer controls the cage. It is open, I can leave when I want, but he is right there when I step out.

    I have much support and love. My needs are met each day. Yet I am still freezing cold with fear, because it comes from within. My soul was deceived and I bought it completely. I became so invested in the betrayal, I was living a multilayer lie. My challenge is to be with the fear, trust that it will make me strong and embrace the times when it seems less. I know it will get better. This is my journey and my truth. I am where I need to be.

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    • Hi Anonymous 🙂

      Another great supportive/informative site is Dating a Sociopath & between Paula’s site & dating a sociopath blog I have survived with their help after 10 years of Sociopath abuse.
      I hope you continue to heal & recover & I wish you love & light on your journey.
      It really is like going to hell & back but, you are a survivor so, more strength & happiness awaits.

      PR xoxox

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  9. Paula, I am so frustrated. Your stages suck because they are so right and it PISSES ME OFF!! 🙂 Paula I am still struggling, although I KNOW that my ex narc soc is a spawn of satan, yet I still to this day find myself thinking of him, “thinking I see him” in town, and wondering what ifs…….OMGGGGGG! Paula, WHEN will I get some PEACE???? I have my Great days, good days, sad days, mad days, pissed days, vaporize them all days, missing the sex days, selfish self-pity days, and I find myself lingering in that stupid phase!!!! I KNOW what is what, I loathe music, but can’t live without it! I find myself thinking that every song is written about the “us” that is still wandering aimlessly somewhere…and you and I both know that the man I married at that time never even existed in reality because he was satan’s spawn in disguise. I have gained weight over the stress, plus aging, plus those damned hormones…..really Paula I am going crazy. When the girls go to their dad’s every other weekend, I try so hard not to fall into the rut of self-pity and sadness. I guess it is the post traumatic stress. Paula, please help me. I am going crazy, driving myself crazy. It’s been over a year, and I am becoming obsessive with this SH*T!!! so sick of him and need to get rid of these sad feelings. I was finally able to put all of the pictures into a trunk, and not in my nightstand drawer. I need the money, but can not stand the thought of selling my wedding rings, and that PISSES ME OFF!!! I tried to do it, but got physically ill and went back home in tears feeling like I had done something wrong, really, I threw up at the thought of having to part with those damned rings!!!!!! DAMMMIIIITTTTT!!!!!! I hate him. Help me Paula, give me some place to go, or let’s have a conference for the survivors….I hate this dammittttttttttttttt! I am so on edge, I could burst into tears at any given moment, and I was not like that a few months ago because i had passed that I thought….NOW it is just as sad as it was when it initially happened. What the hell????!!!!!!

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    • Your feelings and days sound identical to mine especially vaporize them days, stay strong we will all get though our pain, hoping sooner than later … Today I drew a mural while crying over this failed marriage in my daughters room while she was away with her visit with ex- narc. She came home to a pleasant newly decorated room and said Mom you are the best mommy ever .. My healing is important but it hurts . God bless you on your journey .

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    • Nelly1224, I wish there were something I could do for you. I wish we could get in a room together and give each other the love, support and hugs we desperately need. Like Racquel noted, your pain is normal and should be expected. It’s your body and your mind in detox, essentially. I wish none of us had to do this alone. I really do. It upsets me to know you are dealing with this now, but it gives me hope that you are so aware of what’s happening. Awareness is so vital. Without it, moving forward would be impossible. Moving forward is inevitable when we’re aware. Please believe that and stay hopeful. ❤ ❤

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    • Nelly – I know this is not helpful right now. But you can only live for what gets you through each movement. Because sometimes, more than this is too much. Gradually it will become easier. Think of the barest needs to get by, and go with it. Reinvent yourself. Keep a journal, therapist whatever. But be busy. And focused on you.

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  10. Paula,
    I love how you always know what and when to say something. I was thinking earlier today of cycles, change repeating and healing. Oh and look here is your post. Lol.

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  11. Hi Paula,

    Great post & very timely as I have been moving forward with my healing but, drawn back to blogs to support others but, am slowly phasing myself out of that.
    I have been undergoing Gestalt Therapy which has been cathartic & I now realise this whole episode with my Nar/Soc was a pattern throughout my life of allowing abuse & protecting my abuser so, whilst it’s hard it’s been enlightening 🙂
    I am however mindful of my own journey & the stages & I think I’m finally entering acceptance & proper healing 🙂
    I saw my Soc recently in passing & I didn’t get anything except a thought ‘Hollow Man’, then I went about my day without a worry 🙂
    This was a huge step forward for me & now I don’t think much about him or what he did, just the odd niggle of regret for my mistakes of allowing the abuse:(
    I had to face my role in the whole experience as I was a victim from a very young age
    from someone I loved & respected so, this has set me up for a lifetime of low self esteem etc…which at 50 yrs of age I am finally realising & which made me a prime target for my Soc 😦
    I am however finally freeing myself of the past & living in the now.
    The long cast shadows are finally dissolving from my mind to re-build a new life & a new more confident, free ME 🙂

    Good Luck to you Paula & I look forward to your book 🙂
    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

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  12. Paula, I love how you always address that people are always at different stages of healing and that people spend different amounts of time in the different stages. It really validates everyone in the process.

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