graceless heart

graceless heart

People without a conscience (you know, sociopaths) are able to “get over” loss and failure easily.

Why? How is that possible?

The one characteristic of sociopaths which we can never, ever forget and must keep at the forefront of our minds is the reality that the sociopath is not like the rest of us. The sociopath is not capable of becoming emotionally attached and rooted to anything, any place and definitely not any person.

The sociopath’s heart is without grace.

Any connections you perceive the sociopath to have (because that’s what we do; we try to understand the sociopath as we understand ourselves) are purely surface, superficial and material. People and animals are objects that the sociopath uses and controls to his advantage and to validate his delusions of superiority and uniqueness.

He loses a job? The sociopath might be pissed for a day or two but will soon be manipulating and conning his way either into another workplace/position or someone “close” to him out of money and resources.

They make these “losses” look like “no big thing” because they really are “no big thing” to the sociopath. That job was just a tool he used to look good and to buy stuff that made him look good. He can always find another employer to suck.

He loses a fiancée/girlfriend/wife? Pfft! The sociopath will seem distraught for about a week as he cries and complains to his adoring audience about how terrible and heartless his ex was for leaving him. Then, almost like magic, the sociopath’s tears will dry up and he and his audience (a.k.a. pity-party participants) will move on to a new project the sociopath conned and manipulated them into doing in order to help the sociopath get his mind off of his loss.

Again, the sociopath appears and acts incredibly strong and together in the face of a crushing and life-changing event. But who can take on a house renovation, a book project, a new girlfriend/boyfriend or anything requiring making an emotional connection to anyone or any idea within just a few weeks of losing another emotional connection? A sociopath–that’s who.

But we don’t see their strength for what it is—a deficit in the sociopath’s character.

Instead, we see the sociopath’s ability to “bounce back” as strength, as a power and a skill. We are in awe of this person’s “ability” to lift himself up so quickly after being knocked down. We are in awe of this person’s “ability” to change and move forward with seeming grace and confidence in little more than a few days or weeks!

But look closely. Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is the group of suckers surrounding the sociopath. These new and/or well-groomed long-term suckers freely give to the sociopath their time, care and resources so the sociopath, their devastated and wronged friend, doesn’t suffer unnecessarily due to the selfishness and carelessness of the heartless person/employer/ex-friend who hurt him and caused his suffering.

Some like to call the pity-party participants enablers. I refuse to call the pity-party participants “enablers.” They aren’t. An enabler is someone who sees someone doing something unhealthy and destructive and doesn’t address those bad habits with the person committing those bad habits, allowing that person to keep destroying themselves.

People who have aligned themselves with a sociopath have no idea that any bad habits exist. I mean, how do you detect that someone is a lying piece of trash without a conscience? How?

It’s nearly impossible.

When we first meet someone, why would we suspect that person is deceiving us and has ulterior motives? Why would we suspect a person would lie so adamantly about a person or situation we do not know about first-hand? Why would we think a person is setting the stage for future chaos and confusion?

We wouldn’t, because healthy and normal good people do not live to pit people against others just so we always comes out smelling like roses. We just don’t.

Unless you are deeply intimate with a sociopath and share a living space or workplace with the person, you may never understand the ugliness involved in triangulation, lies and deceptions. In many cases, the sociopath is so passive aggressive and so good at stonewalling and giving you, the pity-party participant, the silent treatment (once you do start asking the “right” questions) that the sociopath never, ever outright lies with his verbal or written language.

There is a reason the sociopath goes silent. A very fucking (excuse me) good reason: the sociopath refuses to be linked to a direct quote that reveals all truth. Instead, the sociopath withholds that truth in hopes that you’ll either A.) Stop asking your silly and infuriating questions or B.) Abandon/fire him like the last person/employer so he can start his pity-party game all over again with another unsuspecting group of folks.

But, if you look closely, the truth is always revealed in what is not said or written. The absence of answers is indicative of the presence of lies.

The truth is in the sociopath’s avoidance of answering questions and facing his opponents head-on. The sociopath leaves the dirty work up to others (pity-part participants) to pass along and smear and demean those with the strength, courage and self-respect to finally walk away or fire his ass.

So the next time you meet someone with an unbelievable back story about being wrongfully accused of doing unspeakable things, listen to your gut. If he claims to be “all good” with it because that other person or employer is just crazy or insane or bipolar or borderline, question how he could “get over” a person he once wanted to grow old with. Ask him how he can just “let go” of his dream job without mourning it.

Normal and healthy people NEED time to grieve and process tragedy, if indeed they describe it as tragic. A few weeks? Come on! You know BS when you smell BS, so why are you allowing his BS to smell like that 4th bouquet of flowers he had delivered to your office?

Give your gut some credit. It’s not JUST your gut. It’s a very discerning and intelligent inner voice you’ve been carrying around with you your entire life.

You should heed that voice when it repeatedly tells you, “This person is a liar. This person is a deceiver. This person will throw anyone and everyone under the bus, including you. Who cares if he claims you’re the best thing to ever happen to him. You already know you’re a fantastic and amazing person. You don’t need some loser, some person who obviously loses people and jobs and family, telling you how great you are. The common denominator in this loser’s life is himself. Wake up!”

Walk away gracefully from the graceless beasts.


~ Paula

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abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Washington D.C.
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Join the conversation! 28 Comments

  1. I find it interesting that the article only used the “he” pronoun. Women are sociopaths as well. I know from up close, personal experience. It’s not fun…especially as everyone thinks it is only men who are sociopaths…she’s just jealous, she wouldn’t do that, etc. Just beware…


    • Yes. We are all very well-aware that there is no gender discrimination among sociopaths.


    • Yep. Women are just as likely to be sociopaths as men. I know from bitter experience. That doesn’t mean there are not a bunch of men sociopaths out there. Also, given the patriarchal system of western civilization, the abuse women receive from psychopaths must be that much more difficult to endure. Let’s not quibble about sex. Sociopaths suck regardless of sex.

      Just sayin’

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I was rather “fortunate” when my narc-socio ex-best friend broke off our “friendship” with the silent treatment because I smacked him in the face with “My husband knows you’ve been trying to get in my pants.” Thank heavens for his arrogance and the hundred or so handwritten letters he sent me that ranged from “I’m obsessively in love with you” to pornographic descriptions of stuff he wanted to do to me. I scanned them and posted them online. Oh, and he had a fiance the whole time he was telling me these things. Still does. I feel awful for her, she has NO self esteem at all and every one of our friends know what he’s up to. She’s roped in, poor thing. Very sweet and nice girl but weighing in at a good three fiddy.


  3. I busted my sociopath husband sexting 30 or more women in dating sites once.. he fell in my legs and begged me not to leave him.. he was so sorry.. I didn’t wanna leave him.. but I was still angry.. when I was taking a shower he went through my mobile.. I was chatting with my cousin about his activities.. he read that and told me he cannot see my cousin again.. I made a big. mistake by taking private matters outside.. I was given ‘silent treatment’ for 2 days.. I had to ask sorry to him to make the relationship work.. pathetic!! I was so naive.. and you know what.? he is cheating on me again.. this is going on for 6 months.. Finally I am separated from him.. though divorce process is remaining.. I just hope I get out without much fuss.. worst part is he tries to blame me for his actions..


    • Gotta love their crocodile tears that quickly turn into shame and blame. Be confident in your decision to not take him back and to not waiver in your decision to leave the marriage and the divorce process will be less traumatic. Many find themselves deeper in cognitive dissonance during the divorce proceedings and sometimes open themselves up to being taken advantage of more if they fall for the abusers charms and manipulations. Being aware that he will stop at nothing to get what he wants will keep you grounded. Look to your goals…keep your eye on the exit door. 🙂


  4. So that explains why my sociopath sister could have a party on the wedding day of her ex, who just freshly dumped her a few weeks prior to marry someone else. Most people would be heartbroken to have dated someone for years, just to have them suddenly dump you and marry a woman in a different city two weeks later!! But not her…she had a “voodoo party” on the day of his wedding, where she and her minions would stick pins in a “bride” and “groom” voodoo doll to “celebrate” – über creepy!! Looking back, I really think she’s a witch. And to think I had her as my bridesmaid at my wedding!! She was the most uncaring, disinterested bridesmaid ever!! She even asked me if I’d mind if she left the reception early since her boyfriend had a golf tournament she wanted to attend that afternoon. Boy would I love to have a do-over on that! I would have never chosen her as a bridesmaid knowing what I know about her now. I hate that I was so stupid and naive back then! Sad that it took me so many years to figure out what I was dealing with.


    • That’s absolutely crazy…a voodoo party? Wow! And you were very gracious to have her in your wedding party and be okay with her taking off to some golf tournament. Another “wow” moment. 🙂


    • Dont want to point out the obvious but you said her ex dumped her and got married a few weeks later after years of dating…sounds like they both have sociopath behaviour!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is the most helpful things I’ve ever heard for dealing with the current situation with my sociopath. I finally began realizing that when he was falsely accused of something he became enraged but if was accused of something that was true & he would lie, he’d go silent. He’d use manipulation like attempting to distract me, not staying in a situation where I could freely question him, hiding behind our children. Using basic deception techniques. Answering questions with questions. Proving half truths , etc. it drove me insane because unless I had hard evidence to put in front of him he’d lie forever. Even when I KNEW! Thing I’ve never been able to figure out, why when I would bust him on a lie, provide the contradicting evidence, he will become so submissive and cry. Only to turn around and begin his crap again. I’ve never figured that one out.


    • They do that to regain our sympathy and trust just to throw us off again. Remember, they’re cognitive thinking skills are frozen at a toddler level. They learned how to manipulate but ignore how that manipulation hurts others. as long as they get what they want, that’s all that matters. Your feelings certainly don’t matter. Hehe! 🙂


  6. Thankyou for explaining the WHY of the silent treatment. It actually drove me insane, and that reinforced his power, because I was crazy. see? I became a mad woman, shrieking and crying, begging for acknowledgement, he never once told me I did anything well, or said I looked fine, and I was 21 when we married. I used to live every day with the coldness of dead stone, now I am mostly free of it, I just wanted to know WHY the silence? What is the mechanism, and you answered it, bless.


  7. Finally!!!!
    You are the only person thus far that has been able to link a sociopaths reason for lying, without the reason sounding laced with emotional fuel.
    Very well done. Thank you so much for your accuracy.


  8. I like the part about “how can you just get over someone you wanted to spend your life with”? I’ll tell you why, because everything is disposable to these lack-wits. Use once and toss. I just came out of mediation today angry. Watching The Monster manipulate the mediator, Mediator wants to create a family unit. I laughed. Only comment I made was, so when he goes through his next divorce and we are back here again. Will you believe me, he admitted to having a drug and alcohol problem, but he’s “cured”. Kids stated he has lots of parties and drinks a lot every weekend? Really? I am so angry with mediator!!


    • Who pays this mediator? I would not want that job. Wow!


    • After sleeping on it, I realize it’s not her fault, she’s just a stepping stone. But there are several questions she didn’t ask because she’s intimidated. Everyone has to answer to someone and WE will be going to private custody evaluation, hopefully at his expensive! Today’s a new day.


  9. This quote hit a chord with me, “Again, the sociopath appears and acts incredibly strong and together in the face of a crushing and life-changing event.” My ex-narc is always taking about adversity and the reason he can bounce back is because he is such a highly evolved spiritual being. And 5000 people on fb believe that crap. But now I realize that the reason he bounces back is because he never gave a shit in the first place. Thank you Paula, another light bulb went off today.




  10. As always, Paula, incredible post. You are so very correct- sociopaths do not think like the rest of us. And we must stop giving them credit and time and energy in trying to figure them out! They are not worth it.


  11. Sometimes I read your posts and it takes a while before the wisdom in them sinks in.

    People have commented through the years that my life fell apart after our divorce while his appeared to improve. Well, of course that was the case. I was mourning the loss of my family while he was going about his business as usual. It never made sense to me really, until I read this post…and it’s been 13 years!

    Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad it helped you in some way. We are allowed to feel and mourn, but we don’t have to allow the sociopath to compare what he does to what we do and make us feel guilty for taking “too long.” They’re clueless! 🙂


  12. excellent post paula, once again you hit it right on the mark. so glad to not be alone in this. not that I wish this on anyone else of course. namaste’


  13. OMG Paula!! Your posts are always excellent but every once in a while you Really hit it out of the park!! This is excellent plus!! Oh so true!! My ex’s mother used to gush “Isn’t he amazing? The way he can bounce back, such spirit! ” and I’d be thinking “he just doesn’t give a shit”. He literally could walk away from possessions, people and places without a blink of an eye because he knew he would just Use his sob Story to manipulate someone into replacing it.


    • Despicable creatures. I refuse to call them human. 🙂


    • I thought I was the only one with a sociopath who’s mother thinks he is Jesus. Even after having six kids within ten years time ( all conceived while we were together, only three of them mine and he doesn’t have any contact with the other three nor their mothers) she still just tells me of what an absolutely perfect child he was. Gag.


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