letter to a sociopath who thinks he's god

letter to a sociopath who thinks he's godDear Sociopath,

I feel so silly writing this. Why? Well, I know how much you always worried about me, and no matter how much I told you it was unnecessary to worry, you still worried. So even after you read this letter, you’ll probably continue to have those same worries, but I hope not. What kind of life is it to worry about little old me who isn’t even in your life anymore? I hope this letter, filled with details of my recent happiness, helps to ease your worries.

So here goes:

Remember that love story you kept begging me to write when we were together? Well, I wrote it!! And can you believe I am nearly finished a much longer follow-up book? My second book should be even more enlightening for those who found my first book so helpful. I know you’d be proud of me. After all, you always said I had a lovely way with words and shouldn’t waste my talents and skills. You were even able to talk me into deleting that silly family-related blog I started when my son was first born, explaining to me that I should focus on something more practical and worthy of my talents. Well, guess what? I did that too! Isn’t this a great blog? I even came up with a catchy name for it, too: Paula’s Pontifications. Pretty cool, huh? I thought you’d be impressed.

I’m sure you could never forget my son. You know my son, the gorgeous and lovable little 5-year-old boy you so generously allowed to play with your dog. (That was incredibly selfless of you, by the way, to let my child play with your delicate dog.) Regardless, he is doing incredible! He loves yoga and karate and wants to be a soccer star when he gets older. All those fears you had about me raising him wrong and your worries that I was jeopardizing his well-being, well, you can now rest assured that he’s safe and well-protected. He starts 3rd grade in a few weeks, and although he is the youngest in his class, he keeps up easily, even though he hates writing, but I guess we all can’t be perfect. Thanks for caring so much. Oh, and don’t worry about him being sad because he is missing you. He doesn’t even remember you.  Isn’t that great? No worries there, either. No loss of sleep for my little boy. Kids are so resilient, huh?

Best of all, I never had to sell my car or file for bankruptcy! I know how very concerned you were about me losing everything when I left you. After a few career bumps and obstacles, I was able to land an even better-paying job than I had before. Plus, with my increased writing and editing experience, I get an occasional freelance job. I think I am pretty close to making double what you were making. Isn’t that awesome? If you were still with me you could have definitely become that house boy you always dreamed of becoming. The chances of me ever becoming pathetic and dependent have narrowed considerably! Again, you can let go of all those worries and fears you had about me sabotaging my career. With over 100,000 words published online, I’m sure my marketability will continue to grow. I’ve truly been blessed in many ways over the last 30 months. Thank you so much for worrying that I would fail. You can stop now, because I didn’t fail. Instead, you can celebrate and have a maté for me!!

Oh, and your biggest fear about me self-destructing? You can finally let it go!!  I was able to quit drinking! Remember all those AA meetings you found and wanted me to attend because the ones I was attending were too far away from your house and you felt they took away too much of our time together? Well, I beat my alcohol dependency without AA meetings. I took what I needed from those meetings and worked with my husband who was more than willing to sacrifice some of his days and nights to hold my hand and pick me up when I fell down, real and figuratively. And since I no longer need alcohol to get through my days, I even kicked my depression and am no longer on any type of mood-altering medications!! I know how much you hated that I took medicine. Well, no need to worry about it anymore. I am whole again and better than before.

And remember all those times you tried to get me started with a workout routine? Well, I have one now! I don’t know what got into me, but one day I just went to a yoga studio and haven’t looked back! Maybe it has something to do with doing it on “my” time and not “our” time. It would have been impossible for my husband and me to have scheduled matching workout routines. After all, who would take care of our son if we were both at the gym at the same time? (Flexibility, collaboration and partnership…in case you need to know for the future. You’re welcome!) But anyhow–back to yoga. It has changed my life!! My entire body and mind and spirit have been transformed! I don’t even recognize myself some days. I know you tried to push me when we were together. Sorry our workouts didn’t work out. (I’m so funny now, huh? I even got my humor back!) But be happy for me now. I found something I love, and I begin yoga teacher training next month. My goal is to one day teach yoga to trauma victims, specifically I want to help women who survived and escaped abusive relationships, relationships that compromised their physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. We all deserve to be whole again.

I’m sure you’re dying to let me know how proud you are of me, huh? No worries there. My husband, my son, my sisters, my parents and the wonderful and amazing new friends I have made are repeatedly telling me how proud they are of me.  Don’t worry, I am 100% appreciated, just what you always hoped for me.

So that’s my happiness in a nutshell. I hope you finally found what you’ve been looking for, too. Oh, but you already told me that you had found what you were looking for. I hope that’s still working out for you. I know how much it sucks to lose people you once loved.

Namaste!
Paula (a.k.a. Pumpkin. You might remember me by that name.)

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/33284484715793320/)

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, Children, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Humor, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, The Washington Times, Washington D.C., weight loss, Work, Writing, Yoga
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Join the conversation! 41 Comments

  1. Laughed, cried and nodded my head with understanding at your wonderful letter You have become such a beacon of light, hope and inspiration for me. I get on to each new day with your help, wisdom and courage, hoping to not feel the pain anymore. Like you wrote, you can’t pinpoint that moment when everything has changed, but I am truly feeling a bit clearer and better each day and the only way I know that, is because I actually have moments of joy now that used to be pain and anger. I wake up happier. But I still struggle getting through an entire day and evening. Thank you, thank you and thank you and to Phoenix Rising for sharing .your story, and to all of us who share this.

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  2. I’m just at the beginning , he put myself and two little girls on the street at Xmas , I since have lost my one child , home everything , he took it all I’ve only just found out about what he is and have days when I still blame myself I would like to see light at the end of the tunnel

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  3. Hi Paula, thought I’d share this email that I sent to my Soc when he was exposed to me via the OW…..enjoy 🙂

    I titled it ‘THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD’

    It has been very cathartic, recalling so many indicators & my role in the duplicitous life that you lead.
    In fact it has also been very amusing ;0)

    Firstly I am obviously not happy with you treating me like a mistress (others as well). Without my knowlege!!
    Whilst you zeroed in on poor Kerri as the possible wife?
    Vulnerable,money & position what a very potent aphrodisiac.
    Imagine manipulating this lovely lady who studies human behaviour,what a challenge to break down!

    I am still doubtful that this will happen as you have undermined yourself into a very precarious situation & anyone that enters into a marriage with you & the plethora of detected lies is on very thin ice.
    Trust is the bedrock of any relationship & that has gone!
    I could not imagine entering into a union with someone that has already betrayed my trust & continues to try & redeem themself by downplaying the situation!
    Making out that the other party was some charity case that you couldn’t let down is low. Your such a hero!

    I bet you also follow a strict routine of behaviour right down to calling all the Bitchies ‘Darling’.
    I can hear the mantra once again as I’m sure we all have,
    ‘I can only be myself with you’
    ‘If I ever catch you with another man I’ll kill you’ & even in the bedroom,’Your my wife,my possession!’
    “Yes husband blah blah!” God that used to make me laugh!
    What about a little slap (bit demeaning but,whatever it took to get on with it!). You are very heavy so,it was becoming very uncomfortable & that big belly made other positions very difficult.
    I couldn’t be bothered really just knew how to stroke your ego ;0) which is massive! Biggest part of you really!

    Funny thing is it’s hysterical & us girls have had a great laugh & will continue to! The next girls weekend will be a best seller!

    I never did want anymore than ‘Coffee & Cake’ with you & openly said this too most of my friends. Happy to supply names etc…
    to validate my position.
    I never betrayed you by sleeping around as I have my self respect but,had more than one offer,only did coffee not cake.

    Initially I did think you were someone I wanted to have more with but,as the years rolled on I had decided that this situation suited me down to the ground.
    You were right I never did want a commitment or anything from you other than friendship really. THIS IS TRUE!
    Don’t care that you didn’t love me as I didn’t love you either but,did like you very much. I know you liked me also!

    I could not stand all the constant phone calls & how you had to control all of your family etc…I backed off long ago wanting to be part of that. If your honest then try & think when I last asked to be included in anything. The funeral was out of respect.
    Watching your relationship with Jon was enough to put me right off.
    Fancy having a grown son being such a “right plonker!”. I am not the only person with this viewpoint!

    I also realised that you actually did nothing for me except give me advice (which was sometimes very good but,mostly I just let you lecture me etc…blah,blah).

    I do realise my own part in all of this as I had become complacent & was prepared to have my cake & eat it too! ‘Me no complain’.
    I didn’t realise how all the so called business trips involved other women but,realise you have to have women around to validate your ego & you need people to do for you. Makes you feel in control.
    After all you are a traditional,male chauvinistic pig!
    Can’t believe you think you don’t think with your “DICK”, could’ve fooled me. SOZITSA!

    I had figured this all out ages ago but,something made me hold it in.
    I am responsible for wasting so much time but,it helped me stay focused on my priorities as I never wanted to make choices between a partner & my children.
    Still I liked just having my ‘cake’ with no strings attached.

    I am proud I have maintained my independence & owe you nothing.

    Venting is a great way to heal & even if you don’t read this I still feel much better.

    P.S. I hope Kerri is okay as she is a very nice person but,maybe she is not strong enough yet to see the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’ but,she will be…I would love to be a fly on the wall when that happens!

    TRUE!

    P.S.S. Think I’ll write a book titled, “Short Man Syndrome” or ” Cock of the Walk!”

    X Bitchie

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  4. Paula, when your book first came out, were you terrified about how the Narcissist would react? That’s where I’m at right now…..

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    • My book was first published in parts on a website. The sociopath hired a lawyer who sent me a cease and desist letter trying to scare me into NOT going further with it. I shared the letter here. It didn’t scare me. I called the lawyer and told him to go to hell. The sociopath later came after me and succeeded in getting a 6-month peace order against me two weeks before my book went to print for online harassment. Still, it did’t stop me. The PO actually kept him from pursuing further action against me. It worked out in my favor.

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  5. Simply brilliant 😀

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  6. Wow!!! This letter empowered me so much this morning, I will definitely write a letter to my ex narc, this letter saved me and let me know that there is life after the narc and his tactics to break us as he was broken as a kid. God bless you for writing this. Now I know I am successfully move on

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  7. God Paula I so wish that were me. Ive lost all motivation, been gone so long now. Its almost two years since the day I asked him to go, mind you it took eight months to even get my head to accept what my ex had been doing to me and the children. Ive lost my home to repossession recently and am now in rented. The hardest part for me to do is to stop blaming myself, should have seen it syndrome. Maybe one day eh? Where do you start to get him out of your head, id love to be able to write something like that one day. I admire you you found a new way. Thankyou for being here for us, gives me hope and a feeling someone is there for me and even comprehends what happened. Sleep time maybe. Sue West xx

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    • Oh, Susan, I am confident you will get your motivation back. These setbacks, as many often repeat, are only temporary. Surround yourself with only those people who believe in YOU!! All of us here want to see you succeed, be the joyful person you were born to be and turn this experience upside-down and sideways!! ❤

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  8. You go girl 🙂

    We are all a work in progress!
    Thanks to the Soc’s something good comes after the bad.
    We have found a lot of great people including ourselves because of the Narc/Soc’s so….every cloud has a silver lining.

    Shine on Paula, we have got your back as you have ours 🙂

    PR xoxo

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  9. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    I am reblogging this from Paula’s Pontifications as your crystal ball into a future without the N in your life. You don’t need a crystal ball if you stay or go back to him because history will just keep repeating itself until you leave.

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  10. Paula love to hear it!!! Every time I hear of another “victim” of one of these spawn of the devil “no animosity here lol! I can’t help but put an imaginary tick on “our side”. and Narcissist/sociopath ZIP!!
    If only we could give the women being abused a crystal ball so they could see how wonderful life is without the N, better than ever before.
    My ex always worried about me also and wanted to “help” me. Strange how his help always cost ME financially, emotionally and physically.
    Great post!
    Hugs
    Carrie

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    • They just helped us fall harder and faster. Thank you, Carrie. ❤

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    • You know, the more I read on here, the more I see myself. My ex actually phoned my siblings after our separation and they listened to his lies…all in the name of “helping” me. I think that even after 13 years, a suicide attempt, a book, and countless hours of therapy, I still live in some form of denial. I still give him the benefit of the doubt. ….argh!

      Signed,
      (Partially) recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath

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  11. When I feel most defeated, you remind me I am not, I suffer privately, outwardly I am always composed and poised. Exhausting yes, but a requirement. This too shall pass, thank you for reminding me of it! I appreciate the humor, to not take it so serious, because it’s a cycle and a game for them. To sit back they will mess up. Most importantly live for you, take care of yourself. I am hoping this court thing ends soon. 😞 thank you for my vent!

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  12. milestones! they come when we pick up the stones and look at what’s under them…don’t let a stone go without looking under it! when we pick it up and look under and around it, we find our answers and see our progress.

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  13. Have you heard the song “Flowers On The Wall”? I only know it from Pulp Fiction, but that’s neither here nor there. I love the song for the freedom it expresses while giving credit to the recovery process. Your letter reminded me of that song, specifically the opening lines: “I keep hearin’ you’re concerned about my happiness / But all that thought you’re givin’ me is conscience I guess / If I was walkin’ in your shoes, I wouldn’t worry none / While you ‘n’ your friends are worried about me I’m havin’ lots of fun”. (not that a narc or sociopath has a conscience)

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  14. This was really awesome!! I, too, have been told by abusive people in my life that they are “worried” about me. My simple answer to them has been -“Don’t”.

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  15. Oh wow…. really how cookie cutter they are. The dog, the medicines, workout time together, time apart.. OMG Paula! I still cannot thank you enough for allowing me to have peace of mind because August 23rd will be a year that we left. Unfortunately my children are a little bit older but they are resilient and that’s God’s plan when we make mistakes that we don’t intend. You are awesome!

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  16. I’m 100% proud of you and I Love You. I will support you forever. 🙂

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  17. Hi Paula, Great post , so love the humor. Also it’s inspiring to me because I am not in that happy recovered place. Yes, I have recovered from the narc relationship but now I am in the process of fixing the broken things that led to the narc in the first place. Still working on that happy place. Oh and to anonymous if someone has a narc for a father I rather think it’s best for them if they don’t remember them and have someone else in thier lives that can be a real father to them. Narcs don’t have the ability to be real fathers. Just ask anywomen who has divorced one and has kids with them.

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    • I agree to a point. My children have alienated me because of their narcissistic father. I don’t speak out of ignorance…trust me on that.

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    • Ok, so I’m having a bad day, and your post has bothered me…so please forgive me if I say something offensive.

      I was married to a narcissist for 18 years. We have two children together. Both children have basically disowned me. Their father is very wealthy and employs them both and also financed their homes. I know about narcissistic fathers. Regardless, they still deserve a relationship with him…just as they deserve a relationship with me, their mother.

      It is never in the best interests of any child (or adult child) to not remember their father or their mother.

      Signed,
      Thought I was recovered from being the ex-spouse of a narcissist, but maybe not quite yet.

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    • I think children deserve to be in healthy relationships and have healthy male and female role models. It’s not always the parents who fit that role. It’s evident by your story that your ex negatively influenced your children against you. Healthy parents don’t do that, regardless if the marriage works or ends in divorce.

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  18. My book is called, With the Stroke of a Match” and is available on Amazon, Kindle, IBooks, and Kobo. Deals with this subject in a different way.

    Signed,
    Recovered ex-spouse of narcissist.

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  19. Oh, ok. … and we are all works in progress. 🙂

    Signed,
    Recovered ex-spouse of narcissist.

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    • If he were his father, I couldn’t deny him the relationship even though it would kill me inside knowing he’s being influenced by someone who causes extreme harm.

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    • This is my situation exactly. My children both now work for my ex-husband and are totally controlled by him (even live in homes financed by him). It is terrifying for me, now, after 30 years, finally understanding who he is.

      Signed,
      Recovered ex-spouse of a narcissist.

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  20. Hi Paula,
    I’m happy that you have healed from your abusive past. One thing, though, I don’t think it’s good for a child to not remember their father…do you?
    Signed,
    Recovered ex-spouse of narcissist.

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