free yourself

free yourselfI often repeat, “The sociopath needs us; we do not need the sociopath.”

But the sociopath tries really, really hard to convince you of the opposite. It’s part of the mind control, mind warping practices of the sociopath’s twisted and despicable philosophy he feeds you.

I’ll never forget when the sociopath, the boy in my story, first tried convincing me that I should think in terms of “needing” each other.

I was raised to be independent and to not rely on another person for my basic needs like shelter, clothing, food and other sustenance. As I grew and experienced love and relationships, I also learned that being needy of another person’s affections went against full independence.

I gave love, not expecting love in return but was damn grateful when I received it.

So I was a bit shocked when the sociopath came crying to me upset and feeling neglected and saying, “I NEED you to need me the way I need you!!!”

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “That’s a dangerous place to be…needing each other…don’t you think?”

He looked at me blankly, silently, so I continued, “Isn’t it enough knowing that I love you? Why would you want me dependent and desperately needing you? I mean, what kind of place would I be if something happened to you and I was left alone? What about if something happened to me? You’d rather us suffer thinking we lost someone we NEEDED to survive?”

Again, crickets from his direction.

I understand now why he could not provide a rebuttal: he knew I thought the idea was BS and he also knew I was not easily malleable. I was a big effing frustration for him, which led him to reverting to angrier and more shocking rages, leaving me wondering what the hell I had done wrong to make him so angry. I found myself NEEDING him for answers and NEEDING him to treat me like I mattered.

But my needs were NEVER met. Instead, my neediness just grew with each layer of shame and blame thrown my way.

A = The Sociopath’s Needs
The need to control you.

B = Your Needs
The need to feel and to be treated as if you matter.

A – B = Crazy-Making World
The sociopath’s need for control is gained by not providing you with your need to feel like you matter. The sociopath’s needs (A) are met; your needs (B) are NEVER met.

It’s a vicious equation and cycle that never ends even after the relationship ends and even after you go no contact. The only way it ends is to accept that the sociopath is a sociopath and will never respect you as a human, treat you like you matter or provide you with the answers you desperately deserve.

If you don’t accept this, your needs continue to be unmet and your desperation for your needs to be met continue to grow and fester. This desperation drives you to levels of high stress, anxiety, prolonged periods of rumination and complete distraction of your other basic needs. You’re still working toward changing the equation that can never change. The sociopath will always have control if you continue insisting your needs will somehow magically be met by the sociopath one day.

This leads to nothing good or productive. You can’t sleep or eat or work without being reminded of something the sociopath withheld or failed to answer honestly. Everything becomes a trigger. Your daily routine, which you once shared with the sociopath, is continuously interrupted by a memory recall, a flashback of an event or associated stressor and/trauma. Certain words used by a friend or colleague may spark panic or take you away from the here and now. You’re mind is out of your control, it seems, because it’s still stuck in Crazy-Making World of the sociopath’s creation.

You’re unable to focus, and your life continues to be crazed until you finally accept and recognize the sociopath for what and who he/she is:

A hateful, despicable, cowardice and vile “person” who lacks all respect for himself and humanity.

No sociopath is going to provide you with the answers as to why he is shitty or why he told you he loved you, yet treated you like you were the most unworthy human on the planet.

No sociopath will ever tell you that you matter or that your feelings and needs matter, because the sociopath only gets joy in your desperation for answers not in your relief once the answers are provided.

Shoot! If they gave you your answers, the control and abuse would end. Control and abuse is too fun for them.

Sociopaths rely on and need you to need them. It gives them power over you. The power increases with each and every bit of information the sociopath continues to withhold.

It’s slow torture. It’s evil at its finest.

How do you get the torture to end? Easy. Stop needing the sociopath for anything, especially for answers that will never come. Eliminate your need to know and put your other needs, like finding peace, first. If you put your needs first, the whole equation changes…just like magic:

B (your needs) – A (the sociopath’s needs) = D (Your Power and PEACE)

The next time the sociopath withholds answers and information from you in a bid to control you, let go of needing to know. Once you do that, you regain your power and then the sociopath doesn’t matter anymore and needing anything from the sociopath becomes a moot point.

Who needs ’em!?! Not us!! 


(Note: Practicing this early, sooner rather than later, can help you maintain your sanity when you’re forced to deal with the sociopath in family court and co-parenting situations. You CAN detach from the sociopath but still remain attached to your best interests and the best interests of your children. Otherwise, you’re fighting an emotional battle with someone who lacks emotions and you will always lose. So stop asking “why” and start taking back your power.)

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abuse, Addiction, Child abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Washington D.C., Writing
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Join the conversation! 17 Comments

  1. I have been through the most horrific and degrading, relentless emotional torture beyond ones ability to keep holding hope that they will come out of this normal…I am the perfect victim for a sociopath…very caring, nurturing and i take comittment as fully dedicated til death due us part…for sickness and in health, richer or poorer…this man could not have been more perfect a fit had i ordered him in every aspect of my life. And we laughed and flirted and was excited for finding each other long enough to get me completely relaxed and unprepared for the totally shocking unexpected day I woke up to the man that looked like my man but was a completely differant man…I still go from knowing this is a genuine sociopath to in fear or hope of being wrong….i am so exhausted of the story but here is where im at…I asked him to please stop risking sanity so that i can get myself prepared to leave because thats where he had me believing what he wanted…suddenly he wants the marraige again broken record.I got frantic and accused him of being evil. It finally clicked..the setup was obviouse…he has been carrying on a relentless vulgar love affair with his ex girlfriend who also is without empathy..and will lie and taunt . I have developed a fear of leaving what i can depend on knowing what to expect because i dont trust my judgements at all and i fear failing and i am tired of pain. I have a video that i found in his permanently deleted email on his laptop and he didnt know there was a hidden background that holds many hundreds of permanently deleted email.. so anyhow i have used that for times that he has done one of those shocking unexpected malformations and had been carrying on so sweet and turned relentless and has me so devastated and out of my ability to rashionalize i threaten his 33yr job because he is threatening my sanity. The video is her doing a sexual act on my husband during work hrs at a substation. I have grown to feel he should pay consequences for his complete lack of respect of me and his job..he has been able to hide this affair because he has been doing it for two years on company time. I was deceived straight out of financial independance and thats when he changed and my teen daughter had to go live with her father, not that he was directly bad to her because that was quite the contrary , he was very good and respectful and considerate and kind around her not at all a petifile but that also helped confuse me..its just that he didnt want me anymore and therefor i was at his mercy if i were not to loose my daughter…long story short he needs to be held accountable for the damage that is now showing in my daughters choices and my helplessness i feel for it……i think where i could go that would be a perfectly comforting place to begin healing…im a wreck ..what im at odds with is this man has proved he will risk his job before he will ever stop playing the power game….its crazy


    • I removed your name from the comment, Anonymous K. I hope you don’t mind. What are the chances you can make a clean break? Are you married to this person or have any shared property or do you have any children together? Our first instinct is to seek revenge and make them pay. To be honest, they do not respond to consequences like the rest of us and will forever blame and shame us for trying to seek justice. Are you prepared for more abuse, because that’s what he will do to you if you share the video, at this point, with anyone. You can private message me at Paula dot Carrasquillo @ me dot com.


  2. Now I understand why my husband always goes into a rage at any behavior I display that is seemingly independent every time he “leaves for good.” He’ll say “it’s like you don’t need me!” Well, I don’t. I thought I wanted to be with you, but apparently I’m a little crazy too. Why would I ever rely on someone whose behavior is so erratic and based solely on his own whims? I have to maintain a level of independence in order to keep the ship afloat (two kids, full time job) when he goes off and does whatever he wants to do (of course I deserve it because I misbehaved). I understand perfectly well not ever to get too comfortable in a routine with his help, because one false move (facial expression, reaction) and I’ll be on my own again.


    • Don’t lose your independent nature. You’re ahead of most. You are in it and are becoming aware of what it is you’re in! The best approach is not to react to his rages. Just listen to them, absorb them and act as if you are in compliance. I hope you read my other response to you about reaching out to those who have become distant. It’s time you allow others to help you despite your shame and embarrassment. 🙂


  3. “But the sociopath tries really, really hard to convince you of the opposite.”
    Yes!! SO VERY TRUE! 6 years ago my ex would tell me often “I don’t need you. I never needed you. Why would I need a miserable c—t!!”……everything they say is just a projection of themselves. They live their entire lives making everyone around them “crazy”. Run from anyone who says “I always attract the psychos”. Projection.


  4. Tears, all sounds a bit wet to me. If they begin controlling why not just walk away, it will distress them more than you.


  5. I found your post and it was wonderful to read. I got married in the year 1994. I truly did not know who or what I was marrying. I was young, traditional, naive, and really taken by his charm and thought I was marrying my best friend. The relationship got bad almost immediately and I should have escaped. . . I tried. . . but I didn’t. Year by year by year, it got worse. He was not a very physical abuser (unless he did not get his way) but it was like continual emotional torture. I would ask questions and get no real answers; I felt guilty because he would tell me I was “controlling” because I would ask questions. There was continual manipulation of all of those around me including family and friends. It caused me major bouts of depression, confusion, illness, and numbness. I felt perpetually trapped. I lived in fear of my own husband. Just being near him, I would go into a stomach attack or the shakes or entirely disassociate or so I have been told.

    I finally went on medication. I tried therapy with this man. I would cry begging for truth and disclosures and I was so afraid to speak out against him in therapy. I internalized it all eventually becoming so fearful that I was afraid to speak out and even afraid to leave.

    I am now learning that I did not know this man, but he sure knew me and knew how to play on my every single emotion. I have now learned my husband has been gay and having affairs with men since pretty much the onset of our marriage. I have learned that his financial control was truly to control me and because he wanted me to know absolutely nothing. I have learned our marriage was built on lies and lies that I truly believed. I now believe my husband to be a pathological liar. I have learned so much but still continually try to put together the puzzle pieces of why? how? what? and when? There are constant triggers from the abuse. I have been in therapy for about 6 years on again and off again. I have suffered from many symptoms from years of the abuse, control, and torture.

    I had hopes early on in my life of marrying, raising a family, and living a life of love and happiness. My dreams were destroyed within 2 years of marriage and I didn’t even know it then. Our marriage lasted an additional 14 years beyond that with each year breaking me down more and more and more and more.

    I thank you for this writing because I need to hear about others who have suffered through similar circumstances because for me I just don’t know how or why I always believed him. . . I am ashamed of myself for not seeing the truth, the reality, or the signs. Thanks again.


    • AD, Please don’t be ashamed of yourself for having faith in a person’s ability to treat you like you matter. Don’t be ashamed of loving your husband. Don’t be ashamed of trying and hoping and praying your marriage could somehow be saved. Don’t be ashamed of your nature to never give up until all avenues are explored. Don’t be ashamed of being a good person. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for being courageous enough to finally escape. Thank you for giving other women hope that no matter how long it takes you to stand up for yourself and live for yourself, it’s never too late to begin again. ❤


    • Do not be ashamed … I did all the same things and I too carry a great deal of shame with me daily but reading this blog and others is getting me closer to releasing the shame and accepting that I need to learn WHY I subjected myself and permitted being treated so poorly but I also should be proud of myself for loving, loving with all my heart.
      I so relate to your comment about trying to put the puzzle pieces together as I am still constantly trying to make sense of how my guy could stare me in the eyes and tell me that he is in love with me and has been waiting for me and a love like ours since the third grade (he is now 50!) and hours later go on a date with some other woman whom he supposedly has been involved with for some time. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.


  6. Paula, excellent post as always. I keep saying the same thing on my blog but I think you said it much better so I am going to reblog. Thank you!!
    I hope all is well with you, I haven’t seen you for a while it seems


    • Thank you, Carrie. My summer has been pretty busy with a job-related deadline coming up in a couple of weeks. It’s been difficult balancing everything, and my blog and my blog reading has suffered a little. But I hope to be more active once the summer is behind me. Hope you’re doing well! ❤


  7. It is so cathartic to read your posts. I am coming out of this relationship and it has been 9 months since divorce. And yet I get a text yesterday asking if I use the riding mower and can he have it. What the f?? Sounds so silly and stupid. and yet it is just that level of stupid that keeps me stirred up. He even threatened me after that-not physically but just stupidly….I am still putting my life back together and fitting my broken pieces into a whole and yet also trying desperately to stop being angry at myself for ending up in this situation. Thank you again for sharing and others who haven’t lived in “crazy town” cannot possibly understand.


    • Hehe! I’ll never forget when I first began dating the sociopath. He had just kicked out his fiancee. She hadn’t come to claim her patio table and chairs. It was a really nice set. REALLY nice. The sociopath was trying to convince her that she didn’t have room in her apartment for the set and wanted her to just let him keep it. I told him to just take it to her. She could sell it or find room for it. Personally, I didn’t want her stuff around. He didn’t seem to mind. It was JUST stuff, right? Well, I believe things hold emotional value. Now I understand he is not capable of emotions, so the table and chairs meant nothing to him and never would have reminded him of his ex. But at the same time, it reminded me of her and i had never met her in my life!! That’s the difference between us and them: to us, all things have emotional meaning and significance. To them, things just have a functional-use value. Who the hell cares if it was something his ex-fiancee really liked and wanted and bought? He wanted it because he liked it and didn’t want to have to pay for a replacement set or take the time and energy to deliver it to her. Trash sociopaths. They’re all the same. 🙂


  8. As always, excellent post. You provide such clarity as to why a relationship with a sociopath becomes so entangled.


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