release me, paula renee carrasquillo, paula reeves-carrasquillo

release me, paula renee carrasquillo, paula reeves-carrasquilloAfter this past week, I am more focused and determined to finally compile this blog into my second book, a follow up to Escaping the Boy. I’ve even come up with a working title:

The Exorcism of the Sociopath

One of the many realizations I came to over the past 18 months through my blog and my interactions with readers is that even after escaping the pathological relationship with the boy, I continued to be silently and insidiously possessed by something not of myself. I ruminated on the “why”s and “how”s of what happened. I self-soothed with alcohol for a while. I got stuck in a place I didn’t like.

In order to get unstuck and to rid myself of whatever it was that had possessed me, I needed to acknowledge that I wasn’t myself, accept that I was a victim of not being myself and then work toward releasing myself from the invisible stronghold that had overcome me.

Confused? So was I. All I knew was that I was hurting myself and those in my life who loved me. I wanted to stop.

My biggest hurdle to being able to end the insanity was believing I had been a victim in the first place. Who me?! No way was I ever going to admit to being taken advantage of. In doing this, in this resistance, I hurt myself. I was delusional. I tried repressing feelings and emotions that only a victim could possibly feel and emit.

I was NOT going to admit to being a victim. NEVER!

Silly me. I had very strong negative connotations connected to “being a victim.” I thought it was a death sentence. I thought that people would look at me differently and treat me differently and not feel like they could trust me. I worried that people would think I was telling my story in order to make excuses for my behavior. I never wanted to be perceived that way. I could fix myself and no one would ever have to know what happened to me.

I soon realized that I had to embrace, at least temporarily, my role as a victim. By doing that, I was able to discover how I was REALLY affected, emotionally and spiritually. I discovered invaluable support from people who didn’t feel sorry for me but who had faith in my ability to overcome. Once I was willing to take the added strength of others, I was able to let go of that victim role and embrace being a survivor, someone in total and complete control of my destiny regardless of where I had been and who had tried to destroy me.

My hope is that my second book will help guide others out of victim mode and into full survival mode. I want to see everyone who has ever entered a pit similar to the one I entered emerge a better and stronger person.

Accountability equals empowerment.

I am by no stretch of the imaginiation finished with my healing and recovery. But I know I am much stronger than I have ever been, and I foresee myself continuing to grow and learn throughout the next phases and stages of my life.

I want you to succeed. I want you to feel good about admitting that you were, at one time a victim. Most importantly, I want you to be a survivor. I want you to be someone you love and trust. Because once you become someone you love and trust, others will be more willing and able to love and trust you also.

Namaste!
~ Paula
(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/444871269411994202/)

Category:
abuse, Books, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing
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Join the conversation! 7 Comments

  1. Over the last few days I have come back and re-read this article and thought and re-read and thought, I had to figure out in my mind how to make sense of it So with The Monsters help today it happen, it made sense. The Monster in his true form, is trying his very hardest to manipulate, bully, lie and creative story tell in HIS truth scope. I just stop talking, for whatever reason your lady with the purple butterflies picture came into my head, and I laughed out loud, which made him more mad. I just said “Sorry, my answer is no, and I am tired of repeating myself. Good bye Monster!”
    People do not like the stigma of what being a victim usually means, so I looked it up (yes, I love the dictionary).
    VICTIM = One who is harmed or killed by another, One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance agency, or condition, One who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking, A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.
    Because when I think of “victim” I think of a person who can not stand up for themselves. After actually having the back to the basics meaning of the word and not what it has evolved to. I can say, Yes I have been a victim, and I am trying to survive with my children, with his crazy. Paula, Thank you for writing what I need, Its much appreciated! 😉

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  2. Good post.

    I don’t want to appear like a “victim” because that is what a sociopath does…I wrote numerous times how my sociopath exploits and manipulates others with his constant cries of victimhood.

    How then am I any different when I stay stuck in the aftermath?

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    • Your not different, you just have to find your way to get un stuck.
      It’s a very harrowing experience like a death, the difference being no body/funeral & no closure 😦
      You have to find your own inner peace from the turmoil the Soc leaves you in & it can take a long time.
      Keep working on yourself & your healing.
      You are not alone, many of us are doing the same thing but, you can do it.
      Believe in yourself, love yourself.
      Forgive the unforgivable as they don’t have the capacity to forgive themselves nor will they ever acknowledge what they have done. Just empty shells really.
      We are victims with a great survival instinct & this is survivable 🙂
      Be Happy, it’s your best & only revenge 🙂

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  3. Hi Paula,

    Congratulations on your continued survival & your wonderful ability to share it with us so poignantly 🙂

    I like you & others hated the thought of having been used,abused & taken for granted & the realization as you know is devastating. It’s really hard to reconcile in our minds what we have been through as with any trauma.

    Alas we survived & will continue to grow & discover our own truths as to why our journey took this turn into the Sociopath domain.
    Time is a great healer but, we never forget just what has happened to us.

    I am like you, sharing & supporting other victims & hopefully warning others to be aware of the traits.
    I was oblivious to the motivations of the Narc/Soc although, I had encountered one in the workplace but, I never correlated it to a romantic involvement.
    If it wasn’t for your book/blog & others sources I would still be wandering aimlessly searching for answers & feeling alone.

    You are inspiring & your honesty is a blessing.
    I love the title as it is accurate in it’s description of what our experience has been.

    I wish you continued good health & humanness which gives us all a safe haven & strength.

    Love & light always,
    PR xoxo

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  4. That is a great title! I never thought of it that way, as an exorcism, but it’s true. Our souls have been possessed by evil.

    I wish it was as easy as spending a night spewing bile and having our heads turned 360 degrees to get them out of our hearts and heads!

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  5. I never thought it would be okay to think of my self in this aspect. Hmmm. Will have to re evaluate my self. 😱 I love the picture very freeing!

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  6. Beautiful posting, as always. I am thrilled you are doing another book- as there is such a follow-up story to tell, isn’t there? I understand your concern about identifying as a victim. After so much is taken away from us, we become resistant to identifying ourselves with anything that smacks of a lesser state. But in denying identification with this term, we hinder our own progression.

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