senseless

From the beginning, a relationship with a sociopath make no sense and is unlike any relationship we have ever encountered. And then the end comes, and we’re blown away by how it plays out.

When normal, healthy relationships end, we naturally grieve. We say goodbye to someone with whom we shared ourselves and whom shared themselves with us. It’s sad. It’s painful. But it’s life. People come and go. And just because the person we are saying good-bye to will no longer be a part of our everyday life, we have the beautiful memories of that person and all of the adventures and growth we experienced.

But when a relationship with a sociopath ends, it’s on par with losing someone through death. Why is the grief so intense? Probably because there was never a normal closure when a so-called relationship with a sociopath ends.

When we end romantic relationships with healthy partners, there is usually the final, mutual conversation where one side says, “I love you but it’s just not working” and the other side says “I love you, too, and I agree it’s not working.” You go your separate ways; there is no drama; there is no second-guessing. You move forward and deal every day with the gradual subsiding of the pain and grief of losing a person you once shared a life. And you always remember that person and how he/she shaped you and helped prepare you for the next relationship.

When the toxic relationship with a sociopath ends, we never experience the mutual conversation or the drama-free exit and separation. Instead, what we get from a sociopath is emptiness and lies. If you leave the sociopath, he’ll say, “Thank God I don’t have to endure you any more. I should have realized long ago that I was wasting my energy on you.” If he is the one to leave, he’ll say, “It’s just not working out. I don’t love you and never really loved you the way you wanted me to love you. We would have made each other miserable. Have a great life.”

Both reactions are shocking to a normal, health non-pathological person. How could someone devalue the years you spent together with such dismissive statements and lack of emotion and care?

Well, a sociopath, that’s who!

Once the sociopath no longer needs you or realizes he can’t use you for further supply, you become dead to the sociopath. His memory is wiped clean of you, because he was never able to connect with you on a spiritual level in the first place. You were just a material thing, an acquisition and a conquest; it’s easy to toss away things. In no uncertain terms, you become trash and garbage in the eyes of the sociopath.

You do not exist. You are worthless and so was the relationship. Poof! You’re nothing.

So harsh! You are unable to compute how the sociopath was able to come to such a conclusion about you and your worth. Once you recognize this reality, when you hear it in his tone and learn of it through the smear campaign, you may become desperate to make him see how wrong he is. You may try to delay the end. You may call him and beg and barter with him. You may get down on your hands and knees and say you’re sorry and would do anything to prove to him that you are worthy of his eternal friendship and love.

But, more than likely, by the time you make such a spectacle of yourself, the sociopath has already found a new source of supply. By doing this, you just end up looking like a crazy and desperate fool. The sociopath does not care what you have to say. He does not acknowledge any of the truth you might be speaking. However, the sociopath loves that you keep begging him and pleading with him to be nicer to you. These are the moments that feed the sociopath, and he shares these pleadings with his current victim/girlfriend/fiancee to prove to them how insane you are, “Jesus! This woman is so sick. She just can’t let go and accept I don’t want anything to do with her.”

The boy in my story described several women from his past in this way. (I’m definitely added to that list now. Hehe!) But was it really letting go of him that they were unable to do? Was his teenage lover really desperate to marry him after all these years because she was delusional and couldn’t accept the end of the relationship? Was the ex-girlfriend from Ohio, now married with children, pining for the boy because she still loved him? Did I call him after my stepfather died because I needed him to comfort me?

No. None of us really needed him in our lives. What we needed from him was a glimmer of humanity that we never received when the relationship ended. All we got was drama, hate and lies. We were desperate to be treated as humans.

But expecting to be treated as a human when the relationship with a sociopath ends is hoping in vane. It will never happen. Why? Because the sociopath isn’t human like you and me. He has no conscience. So why on earth would the sociopath treat you like you were human if he doesn’t even know what it feels like to be human with a conscience?

He wouldn’t, because he can’t. The sociopath is not capable of treating you like anything other than a disposable piece of flesh.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/209206345162866290/)

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Science, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Washington D.C.
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Join the conversation! 158 Comments

  1. From what I have learnt and encounter from my ex (who I definitely believe to be a sociopath) everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, he lied about having cancer, he lied about being knocked over by a car, he even threatened to commit suicide. He lied about being evicted from his house. When I slightly disagree with him he would argue his point, our just pass it off as irrelevant. He always knew how to play the victim which drove me up the wall (Oscar winning actor) when I did try and leave the first time his aunt came on the phone to me and asked me what was going on, and said that N really missed me. When I finally left him I sent him a long message saying about all the lies and his aunt phoned me again saying “what an awful person I was and I should be ashamed treatment N in the way I did” she was even backing him up in his lies when N’s mum told me the truth.
    When I was refusing to answer him he sent me scary suicide poems and treats to my email account he messaged me
    “if you accuse me of f*****g lying I will rip your head off, I will be on the next flight and I will find you and tell you how it is,
    He then sent me a picture of a rope round his neck with a message ‘i told you I’d do it.
    6 months no contact 🙂
    He sent me a message under a different fb profile saying how wonderful his life is and he is no longer suffering depression and he listed all this achievements since we broke up.
    6 months of emotional, mental abuse
    No contact is the only way 🙂

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    • It’s amazing how quickly and miraculously they recover! Thank you for sharing your experience and message of warning. The sociopath from my past used my mother to triangulate and leverage his victim role so I’d return to him. Anything to make us feel guilty and obligated to endure more of their dark energy.

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  2. “No. None of us really needed him in our lives. What we needed from him was a glimmer of humanity that we never received when the relationship ended. All we got was drama, hate and lies. We were desperate to be treated as humans.”

    I think this is the most beautifully, honest, and eloquently written piece of truth about narcissists.! Wow…I’m dumbfounded and amazed all in one. I kept waiting for that humanity when my father was in the hospital and it never came. Now I know why…I needed it and it never arrived. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome, chirose. Their inability to treat us like we are human beings who matter is a tough reality to accept.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am currently going through this situation. I have been begging for two weeks for him not to leave me and all he does is tell me how he’s never going to love me. He doesn’t want me anymore and how he’s not attracted to me. This has turned my world upside down. And spiraled me into a Great Depression and no matter how much I cry. The more he cuts with his words.

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  3. Paula this is sunita.this is what my husband wrote to me..as he wants me back desperately and not takin no for an answer. Is there any way to knw if there is any shred of truth in it..or he is being totally sociopathic

    ” my Confessions…

    I slept with my ex wife once in September, once in February & once in April (not sure if i had sex, but will except since not sure)

    Please baby i know these r huge mistakes, i truly regret them, u know how badly i want to undo it if i could, i don’t wanna even blame the situation i was put into with our bad start & stuff u said. I take all resposiblity of this upon myself. U know how i’ve always tried my best since may with everything.

    Anyways these r the notes, ive put them all together. Ive written everything genuinely from my heart & tears in my eyes……
    Really want my love to be happy, that is my only priority at this point, however bad she thinks this last year has been, for me its been the best. She has given me so much happiness & i need to make sure she has the best in any situation. I am very confident that i can give her all the happiness she truly deserves, based on all my thinking over this month that ive done. Thats the reason i am going to try very hard to convince her.
    I want her to be the person she always was, that would be the first step. I want her to dress however she would like to & feel herself. I have no reason for possessiveness on this anymore, i have seen how people dress all over & truly ive come to a conclusion her dress sense was great, much better than others, she was never vulgar. My dumb possessiveness versus her happiness here is not a question. I have always been so proud of her I wish i had told her that more times before.
    Her pictures on FB, was always what her life was all about, ive truly been a jerk here after accepting her, knowing everything, i still tried to hide her pictures. I really appreciate how she gave me her FB password & told me to do whatever, now its really my turn to undo my wrongs. Also with all the albums & pictures we have together, that would just blend in. Even for her it would make her feel so happy to see it all, before n after & now us.

    The only reason i had for not having her ex’s on FB was cause i was scared that communication with them of any kind could jeopardise our relation. How have i been so wrong to love someone & not trust them? When she has never given me any reason to ever mistrust her. She is the sweetest kindest & most honest person i had in my life. Was my dumb reason of insecurity worthed against her happiness? Again no

    Apart from all these mistakes i have done, the one main reason Alcohol is so going to be out. Im so proud of myself here with my efforts in these tough times. I stopped Bacardi, stopped soda or coke, even ice, anything at all that i enjoyed about my drinks. Just have rotten plain whiskey with plain water if i must. Even if i try to, i cant do more than a 30ml that too diluted with a litre of water. Plus ive doubled my work out routine, so i wouldn’t even be tempted to feel lethargic after alco the next day. If ive managed this painful month, im damn sure im never getting back to that again. Moreover i know all the poison that it bought into my marriage. So not worthed.

    Apart from all these negetives, which definitely wont exist. I want you to enjoy all my positives, I am smart ambitious, love my wife, wanna work hard & buy her everything her heart desires. I know i can. She loves travelling too, i love her & being with her. We should genuinely be living the best life possible which i can provide her.

    I gave her a good house to live in, right here close to her family. I did all the changes i could to make her feel even more comfortable than even her own house.

    We had so many good moments all this year of living together, going out, going on trips, even just being home watching TV. I made her happy in so many ways & still i even got her so upset cause of all my above mentioned negetives.

    I just pray to god & wish i can get one more chance to relive our lives together, just so i could deliver all the good im capable of. & make her so happy.

    This is most of what all ive been writing & thinking to myself about the whole time. This is not an attempt to try n get u back. It is genuinely what i can & will do, so that we r never in this situation again.

    Ive realised to love someone & not have them happy is a sin, it is selfishness. I don’t want that. “

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  4. Hi paula n evryone. Thank u so much for ur encouraging words. So I have taken the baby step of telling him im done n want a divorce. Of course I call it a baby step coz that happened 3 days ago and since then have experienced every type of emotion frm his end. Anger, sadness, abusing, insulting me and some old past issue, lying to make himself better, driving rash while dropping me home. Loudly crying etc! Then back to his begging! He is now seein me as the enemy who didny give him what he wants. .ME. Also now I feel he wants to punish me in his way so has told my mom only to interact with him for taking my stuff etc. Has told her never wabts to see my face etc. It does hurt hearin him say all this but I know no contact is what I need now. As far as my feelings r concerned of course there is a bit confusion as to whether he can change, whether is a sociopath, whether I am destroying my future with the guy I loved sooo much..who says he truly loves me etc. But im proud to say those confusing feelings r much lesser than before. N m making sure he stilll hears a firm no frm me even tho I tell him im still hurting but also tell him thers no other way out since I cant forgive or forget his cheating. N I guess me moving out all my belongings frm his house r just validating my decision further to him. Anywsys m thankful for the sligjt progress I have made n I knw I have a long way to go. Just hope I dont let my broken heart get the better of me!

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  5. Paula and others I really need your advice as have to give my ( maybe ) sociopath husband an answer soon. Whether i am returning back or am I gonna continue staying at my mothers. So to recap, 3 weeks ago I found out that my husband of 7 months who calls himself my soulmate n love of his life etc cheated with his exwife 3 months before our marriage. Also its been proven he has bad mouthed me to her. Sharing my personal intimate details although he says this was in the early days when I wasnt giving him a commitment. But he says he fell in love with me frm the first moment! He knws her for 20 yrs n has a son. Always bitched bad about her. said she was cheating on him while being martied..is a psycho..after him still..etc..Now I am discovering his entire version of their marriage could be false. Cheating aside he had treated me badly – anger n verbal abuse a few times mainly after drinking a lot and each time apologised and promised to change. I should admit I have seen a slight very slight improvement. So these r my fears :
    1. Main reason I am thinking he may never change his behaviour is that I think he is a sociopath. What if im wrong? How many chances do people deserve?
    2. I did genuinely love him..n was completely loyal to him. M finding it a bit hard to realise that was another person I fell in love with.
    3. He keeps promising a bright n lovely future n says he will never cheat. Asks me to jus forget the past thats it. He does say what he did what is bad but justifies it saying he was scared I would never marru him as I martied late as per indian standards. 35. As far as I knw those r grounds for breaking up with the non commital girl not cheating on her! Says hes over his sickness as he calls his sex with her. Is that possible after 20 yrs and 4 yrs being divorced and a son, who btw he doesnt seem to care much about. The son – 11 yrs also apparently has started showing signs of anger n has development issues since he was a baby.
    4. I am scared of losing the love of my life
    5. Even if I do forgive him I don’t think can forget how he blatantly cheated on me. Although all 3 of us were practically neighbours! So the trust has literally gone down the drain as now I knw he has called me msgd me etc many times while being with her.
    6.My initial reaction to finding out he cheated was to walk Out. Why can’t I act on that now? Is it true if I forgive him once for cheating he will be tempted to try again.
    I have to mention I am almost quite sure I will say no..but then emotion n love comes in n make me think of giving him a second chance! Help 😦

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  6. @Sunita,
    I agree with Paula, if you are satisfied with your self and your life, you are not vulnerable to becoming a victim to anyone in your past or future. Use your support systems, computer support, family, friends and or counseling. You did mention spiritual beliefs, explore this avenue if it’s something you feel strongly about and provides you comfort. Do not ever feel you are alone, there are people who are in your situation, but only you can decide what you can live with. When you have had enough you will know.

    I love Paula’s quote ” you were born to reach your highest potential and experience love, happiness, and true joy”.

    Making it a post it for my bathroom mirror! Thank You Paula! Inspiration for my mornings!
    Have a great Sunday!

    NIBSIH

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    • Thank u all for ur kind words and support. Yes I do feel like im in some sort of a trance that he has put me in for the last year and a half.also reading the articles, talking to friends and family definitely helps me move forward. The thing that drags me back a bit are his begging and declarations of love for me. Also I do realise he has not given me few happy moments but a lot of them. Only problem used to be I didnt knw when the happiness wud end and the fights start. He also keeps saying to me..think of the beautiful future we r losing becoz of one mistake. The problem is its not one mistake..it was 10 months of cheating with his ex wife. N it wasn’t just physical. They used to sit and discuss personal and intimate info about me although he claims it was only in the early months. The ones wher he was chasing me!! Claiming he loves me n wants to marry me..as far as i knw when u love someonr u cant bitch about them period . This itself has been a blow to my self respect. Another factor that makes me a sucker is im crazy bout love. N his words that m losing the love of my life really gets to me..help!

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    • @Sunita
      The best way I can explain it, is he is everything you are not. All of your awesome qualities, he is using them against you. Everything you stand for love, romance, courage, honesty, integrity, loyalty, all of it. Why? Because he can. Also he was using you against the other one women to make her feel special. It’s called triangulation.
      I saw a quote the other day something to the effect of” Actions speak louder than words, but we still fall for the words first”. I used to fall for the words too, now I am all about “Prove It”.

      NIBSIH.

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  7. Pls read my story mentioned here. Sorry have posted so many times as have so much to share even though have known him for jus less than 2 years. But its been crazy!! Sometimes good n most times bad crazy!! Only difference frm some stories or saving grace is I found out about his cheating and walked out or probably he wud b the one runnin away with my cash etc. Another difference is he is much older than me and realises that he will be a double divorcee which in India is quite a taboo. So is desperately trying to hold on. Also I guess a part of me is in denial that he is a sociopath and that hope that he will change this time. After 50 odd chances. I have jus been married for 7.5 mths and the trouble started on the wedding night itself. Hes the type to use typical phases of soulmates n forever amd when he gets angry due to alcohol he really becomes another person! Will be seein a counsellor soon. I have bought time for a month before I either have to go bac to his home or tell him I want a divorce. His exwife still has so many claims and he is still apparentlu lying and not coming clean! Frustrating!

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    • Sunita, I am sorry you are in this desperate situation. I understand why you would wish to give this man a second chance, but what about putting your life and happiness first for a change and consider giving yourself a second chance? You have mentioned signs from God…you have discovered the lies and the manipulations…you have discovered he can’t be trusted on his word to change. You can’t fix him. It doesn’t matter if he’s a sociopath or not. He’s toxic for your health and well-being. You DO NOT want to have a child with an oppressive person like this. Pray and meditate on what you truly desire in your life and ask for guidance. You were not born to be this man’s therapist or his doormat. You were born to reach your highest potential and experience love, happiness and true joy. If he hasn’t been able to provide that to you consitently over the past 8 months, he never will be able to provide it to you. You must nurture yourself, heal yourself and move forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Each n every story is so similar to mine. Pls read my story mentioned here. Sorry have written 3 posts. Only difference or saving grace is I found out about his cheating and walked out or probably he wud b the one runnin away with my cash etc. Another difference is he is much older than me and realises that he will be a double divorcee which in India is quite a taboo. So is desperately trying to hold on. Also I guess a part of me is in denial that he is a sociopath and that hope that he will change this time. After 50 odd chances. I have jus been married for 7.5 mths and the trouble started on the wedding night itself. Hes the type to use typical phases of soulmates n forever amd when he gets angry due to alcohol he really becomes another person! Will be seein a counsellor soon. I have bought time for a month before I either have to go bac to his home or tell him I want a divorce. His exwife still has so many claims and he is still apparentlu lying and not coming clean! Frustrating!

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  9. Hello Paula and everyone else.

    Today I rise heartbroken my soul feels like it’s been ripped out of me. I have decided to leave my partner who I just discovered is a sociopath. We have children together which is making this whole thing 3x worse for me than what it should have been.

    I feel like a fool but most of all I am terrified of what’s to come the day I leave and the weeks/months that will follow after that.

    All I can do is pray and hope to find healing and true love again. What I feel is true but the whole thing is make belief.

    Any words of advice for someone with a fresh wound of this depth?

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    • Make believe is the perfect term to describe experiences with sociopaths as you stated. It is unreal in a sense becuase the way you are treated and made to feel is pushed beyond the threshold of the normal healthy expectation of a relationship you expect with another human being. Being treated like garage is not humane and not your fault under no circumstances.
      My advice is hold on to the last shred of humanity you have because it may feel as though the wiles is a terrible place and don’t let yourself be robbed of a very real love someone else is deserving of. You will be whole. There will be a purging process of pain and sadness but allow yourself that process so that you can heal and move on. I went through so much pain when I had my fresh wound. I was choking on my own tears from uncontrollable pain and sadness and crying. I was so broken I didn’t know if wanted to go on. I was at war with last of my hope and love for humans and my general sense of humanity because of what that monster put me through. I loved him so and never wanted to see him suffer and all he did was use, trample, and tried to destroy my soul. When he tried to come back recently as they always do, I had been through so much he put me through that the sound of voice disgusted me. I had to make him a stranger to me to protect myself from falling prey to him again. I wished him the best and have stuck to no contact. I finally was free because I associated him with the worst pain I ever felt in my life. Just know it may not feel like it,
      but you will love in a pure and whole way again but it will take sometime. These are terrible people but they succeed if they crush your soul to rubble. It is probably the hardest fight you will ever encounter but I, promise, with nothing but love, that you will have and be at peace. I have faith and I hope you make it through.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Paula I have been in a similar situation and it is very difficult to overcome by yourself.It felt real and strong for you of course and this time spent together with him.How can you be a fool when you felt something?
      I broke up with my ex 2 months ago now and I am feeling better though still hard.To be honest I don’t think it is a good idea to deal with this by yourself.I have read on many sites that when being in this kind of relationship you should seek help with professional help.Not to say that you should feel helpless but look at it as some support.
      I started to go to a psychologist last week and feel abit better because for the first time in two months I started looking after my health a little bit more.Please Paula, do not do this on your own.You will feel better faster with some help when you are ready to do so.I give you strength and courage and you will feel better again.Life cannot stop for one person. Please get support as you will heal faster.Don’t drag this out for years please. Gene

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    • Thank you, Gene. It’s been three years. I wouldn’t have made it this far if I had tried to deal with it alone. 🙂

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    • Hi I have been in a similar situation and it is very difficult to overcome by yourself.It felt real and strong and this time spent together.I broke up with my ex 2 moths ago and I am feeling better thought still hard.To be honest I don’t think ti is a good idea to deal with this by yourself.I have read on many sites that when being in this kind of relationship you should seek help with professional help.Not to say that you should feel helpless but look at it as some support.I started to go to a psychologist last week and feel abit better because for the first time in two months I started looking after my health a little bit more.Please Paula, do not do this on your own.You will feel better faster with some help when you are ready to do so.I give you strength and courage and you will feel better again.Life cannot stop for one person. Gene

      Like

    • Hi Paula I have been in a similar situation and it is very difficult to overcome by yourself.It felt real and strong and this time spent together.I broke up with my ex 2 moths ago and I am feeling better thought still hard.To be honest I don’t think ti is a good idea to deal with this by yourself.I have read on many sites that when being in this kind of relationship you should seek help with professional help.Not to say that you should feel helpless but look at it as some support.I started to go to a psychologist last week and feel abit better because for the first time in two months I started looking after my health a little bit more.Please Paula, do not do this on your own.You will feel better faster with some help when you are ready to do so.I give you strength and courage and you will feel better again.Life cannot stop for one person. Gene

      Like

  10. Yes. I will delete them. No problem. Were they all posted under “Broken”?

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  11. Hi all
    I’m 9 months out from being with my Ex, but due to his showing up in some way constantly, I feel that each time I have moved on and healed a little, some part of him shows up in my life somehow and my healing takes a backwards dive.
    Since March when I broke it off for good, (after 4 years off and on with that unemployed, violent user/loser), he turned up in the early hours of one morning in April, (didn’t realise we had him on CCTV) and was looking through my garbage bins. I think he was looking for clues to the new address of my daughter and her partner, as he knew they were moving out and his obsession/hatred/projection with them meant that he wanted to know where they were moving to. Given his need to damage property and steal mail, plus his violent threats, not to mention his propensity for going through rubbish bins, I had warned them not to put anything in the bins that was financial or new address clues. So I doubt he found anything useful.
    Some time later in May, he called and abused me on the phone, of course there would be no normal closure.
    In June he called again, wanting to know all about what I was doing, and if I had someone new yet. I couldn’t believe this, and told him so.
    Can’t remember how the calls ended but they did, for a time. And my healing took a nose dive yet again.
    By August I was doing better, having joined the gym and getting out and about a little more, feeling healthier and losing a little weight after being sleep deprived the whole time I was with him, I had put on a lot of weight.
    I was also behind in a lot of my own interests and personal responsibilities so had a lot of catching up to do after 4 years of his constant drama producing antics, violence, verbal abuse, threats to find another woman and his attempts on my life several times.
    One day I was travelling back from a nearby Suburb picking up stock for my business, I had an elderly male friend in my van, and he was asking me about my ex ironically. Next thing I hear a car toot, and look out to my right to see Ex in the lane next to me, he was leaning down to try catching a glimpse of my passenger, and quickly sat up when he realised I was looking back at him.
    The lights changed and he drove ahead whilst I went left, all the way home I had this fear he was following me home mixed with feelings of love/hurt/heartbreak that he wasn’t following me!!
    Apparently this is normal!!
    Some weeks later, after of course checking my phone compulsively for a while and being stupidly disappointed he hadn’t tried to contact me, out of the blue he calls. Since it had always been his habit to call from phone boxes (comes up as BLOCKED on your phone), I wasn’t expecting to see a mobile calling me that would be him. His habit of never having credit and changing SIM cards every few months also was a factor.
    So I am not impressed, (even though part of me desires his re-contact) and I try to end the call once I realise it is him. He reels me in with a real pity party, not only does he say that seeing me at the lights was hard, but that he had been ‘mugged’, and how hard life is when you are homeless and nobody cares about you etc.
    This worked and I stayed on the phone, he always used pity/guilt to control me.
    After listening to his latest drama for an hour, I realise that not only was the original hook a lie, but that it was in fact him that threatened the guy supposedly threatening to stab him!!
    I manage to end the call somehow that day, but he wants me to call him back later, and the next day and the day after that, and message him Goodnight etc, just like being his partner again, only not in person. It felt odd that he wasn’t keen to meet up with me, (like he eventually would be) after chatting for several days.
    I realised that his calls were dragging me down to that pit I was in before with him, and I struggled to get out once again, but managed to do it, simply just stopped calling him, (even though he had asked that I would).
    He has still managed to follow me home to my new house, damage property, prowl around to scare me, (like he did in the past), and ensure that his Sister In-law keep me updated, (no I don’t want to know actually) on what is going on for him.
    The latest stab to my heart?
    Sister In-law actually seeks me out at work, (Shopping Centre) to tell me the news is good, before I can say I am happy but don’t want to know this time, she launches into gossip mode again.
    Ex has a new job, (almost 7 without any work and 4 with me), a new life, a new city, a new place to stay, (farmstay) and a new girlfriend, apparently she is his ‘Match’, and she ‘keeps him in line’, and ‘he just wanted to get away from everything and everyone’.
    Frequent Geographical escapes are a feature of his toxic life.
    So I am angry because I am still suffering and this creep manages to move on without a care in the world.
    Meantime I am floundering personally, professionally I am doing fine, but my weight and lack of mojo to get motivated in general are holding me back somewhat.
    Why???

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    • Robyn, You’re going to get your mojo back, okay? But the most important thing for you to do today is commit to No Contact. No Contact means no texting, emailing, calling, driving by, talking to people he knows/knew, looking him up on social media, etc. Why is No Contact so important? If you can accept that your involvement with an emotional vampire/sociopath/psychopath/narcissist was an addiction, you will be able to understand completely why No Contact is vital to your recovery. This person is the drug that sends you spinning. You formed two bonds with this person: first a love bond and then a betrayal bond. These are the same bonds drug addicts and food addicts form with their drug and food of choice. The only way to detox from a substances is to abstain from it. Abstinence will help the chemical imbalance caused by the conflicting love and betrayal bonds to normalize and allow your default wiring to be rewired and catch up with your intellect. You KNOW he is bad for you the same way a drug addict knows their drug of choice is bad for them. It takes a conscious commitment and restraint to get through the first months of No Contact. I suggest coupling abstinence with restarting a new routine of self-care: exercising, writing, reading, listening to music, cooking for yourself, learning something you’ve always wanted to learn…you get the idea. And trying to figure out how he is able to move about life as if he’s done nothing wrong will only result in you being resentful and pouring your good energy into that darkness. It’s not worth tryng to understand at this point. 🙂

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  12. The above comments describe my ex soc to the absolute t and more. We dated for 2 years and lived together for one could write a bible on it. Terrifying how some of you have described him exactly. Professed to be a virgin, yet had condoms in his car. Has weird close relationship with his mother. Definite signs of arrested development in the form of various child like behaviour which I admit I found bizarre. He unsettled me and my instinct told me to back off from day 1 but unfortunately / fortunately??? I did not…but at least I now know how these evil and sick people operate…It is by no means an exaggeration and one only understands when one has been in this situation. It is pure evil. Mother and 1 brother also sociopaths. .dare I say they also display psychopathic behaviour..It is terrifying. All 3 ganged up on me and sought to make my life hell when they realised I could see right through them. They truly are husks of beings with no real soul. My mother described him as a man child and vacant early on…I did not want to believe it. They are extremely charming and master story tellers…jokers…Mr nice guy…but I knew when he was acting…I just acted dumb a day pretended I did not notice. He has lighted me and initially I fell for it but as time went by I started turning the tables against him in subtle ways…that’s when things started going downhill. For them, their reputation is more dear than you . If any of you are interested I can email you info to help you understand their tactics etc with my real life socio as an example. It truly is sick and twisted. Best advice I can give you is to cut them out your life. It is the hardest thing to do I know. I was on the verge if suicide but somehow managed to scrape through, although sometimes I still have my tough days.

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    • Thank you, Claire. 🙂

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    • Wow… It’s exactly what I am going through… My ” charming” lying, abusive, cheating thief of a husband had destroyed everything i built. My house, my car, my trust, my dreams, my desire to live and start over. I married a con artist 4 years ago. I was successful and well off. He stole everything. I mean, everything. I am a mess. With my sister in her small apartment. No house, no car, no cash. I am depressed and do not want to start over. I have bills to pay and no means to pay them. All my stuff is in storages. whatever is left of my luxurious home…. All the valuables are gone. I hate the jerk. He reappeared recently and calls me daily. I am trying to be collected. I tell him that i am ok. That I am doing great. We are separated for almost a year as he has an arrest warrant for Domestic Violence and runs between states, most likely using his charms to get other victims to pay his way. Using lies, BS and sexual magnetism which he sure mastered to get his prey. I married him for love. I was brainwashed into believing that he really loves me. He cheated and lied. Drank, used drugs, almost never worked. Its a mess… I feel like giving up. Any help is appreciated.

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    • Thank you for commenting and sharing. I am incredibly sorry you find yourself in this place of being stripped of everything. All of those THINGS can be replaced and even your spirit can be rebuilt…built to be even more than you could ever imagine. NO need to be ashamed or feel guilty for allowing this to happen. Like all of us, you put your heart and soul into this relationship and your heart and soul were chewed up and spit out by this person. How could you have known?

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    • Hey Paula, hope you are well. I have (again) a question for you, can you please help me with this. The last time I wrote to you, I told you about my ex sociopath’s girlfriend that had send me a hateful message on facebook, but I totally ignored her. A week after I received that message from her, my ex sociopath send me a message “explaining” what happened between him and his girlfriend (she was on his fb page and looked at his messages and saw that he send me messages on fb THAT I DID NOT REPLY ON), and that is why she had send me that hateful message…he apparently told her that he feel sorry for me and want to help me financially blah blah blah…putting all the blame on me! I was so furious when he had send me that message, putting all the blame on me!, and the best of all, he knew about the message that she had send me and he knew that he was telling a lie to her to get himself out of trouble, but yet he did nothing to stop her to send me that message and he KNEW that I was innocent in the whole story, that he was the one that could not leave me alone! I did not reply on that “Im so sorry for all of this” message from him. For the last two months Im practicing the No Contact rule, but yes, still he does not leave me alone. After that pathetic message he had send me, he has changed his game. After that message, he had send me a “sorry to hear about your docter that had passed away”…what? Really? The next was about a picture he “found” of me when I was in grade 12, many many years ago. He send me a message asking me if I want the picture…I did not answer. Where did he get that picture of me! So the next thing he does, send me the picture via a friend! I totally ignored that to. A few days ago a posted on fb that my child was being bullied at school and that I was upset about it. Today he send me a private message on fb (again!) asking if my child was ok? Im so confused, why is he doing all these weird things? Can please shed some light for me on this…just as I found myself in a “better” place, these weird messages pop up and make me so anxious.

      Sorry for the long post, but Im really confused about all this.

      Love

      E

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    • E., They do these things to SEEM normal and as if they care. He is playing on your humanity and your love for your child. His goal is to get you to open that door and welcome him back into your life so he can control and punish you insidiously. If you accept his concern as true and not feigned concerned, you become indebted to him…forever.

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    • Hi Claire
      I’m not sure if my ex was/is a sociopath but it’s been eight months and I still can’t believe it,,,,,, (we were together 6 years) now it’s as though he hates me plus we have a five year old son together!! If we could perhaps chat I would be so grateful my email address is helen-sydenham@hotmail.co.uk
      Thank you
      Helen x

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    • Anything you have to forward would be extremely helpful. Something that shouted to me was when you used the term “man child”. The sociopath I found myself battling has children that refer to him in that exact term

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    • Very telling, especially when coming from their children.

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    • Mi Ex era Narcisista Maligno y Un Sociopata en potencia, Obviamente yo no lo sabia. Al final fue la sorpresa mas horrible de mi vida….Un estafador miserable. Poseido por satanas porque son unos poseidos y su mirada fria de muerte. Te dire que saque la peor parte quede embarazada y sola casi pierdo la razon, despues de ellos la vida nunca es igual. …… si quieres verles las caras visita mi facebook alli los tengo expuestos. Ladrones bastardos.

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    • Hi Claire

      I was just reading up on a website about psychopaths. ..after reading the whole website i scrolled down to the bottom n seen your reply, about previously being in a relationship with a psychopath…
      I too believe im in the same situation but cant seem to get my head around it…
      I’ve looked at a few websites n there r signs of psychopathy…when I say some signs I mean 12 out of 20 common signs, but still finding it hard to actually grasp…
      im sorry for randomly emailing u, I know this is not a problem page for people to write into, just feel abit helpless as I dont know how to get out of it…n the fact that I love him but thinking to myself IF he really is a psychopath then what do I actually love? fake charm? his lies? his fake love?

      If theres anything u could advise me on, I would appreciate it very much. Thank you

      regards

      Sam

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  13. Dear Broken , I understand your posts only too well . Please try to stop torturing yourself with these thoughts of the other woman/women . He will be just as vile to them when he shows his true colours . If he appears nice it is just an act probably to make you feel bad – All these sociopaths like a challenge – yours likes virgins , my ex likes lesbians and married women. But , please believe me , you are worth so much more than wasting your precious thoughts on him – please try and create a new life – forget about getting tangled with men just for now , concentrate on doing the things you always wanted to but have missed out on – maybe a college course ? Or a hobby ? or new job ?

    Once you fill your life with new memories you will be able to look back and think how much better your life is without the sociopath . My self esteem has improved a lot in the last 6 months of ‘ no contact ‘ , I have busied myself with work, home decorating and painting pictures . I have my first exhibition in a week’s time . And I am going abroad for the first time in 38 years – alone – just for a few days – doing new things that you have never done will give you back your confidence and I pray you will find joy and happiness very soon . Why not write a book or poetry , you are very good with language and being creative will help you steady your emotions.

    Christmas is a time for you to look after yourself and the children – pamper yourself . I think the reason why God puts sociopaths in our lives is to show us that we must learn to value ourselves and see what is within us that makes us very much loved by God. The sociopath has no soul or spirit and is jealous of what is within you . Thats why he tries to tear you down – he knows deep down that you are not worthless and he envies you .

    You can move on and do all the things that you would never have done if the sociopath had never broken your heart and spirit . I know you can do it because I am doing it , right now . God bless you and give you a bright future . Amen.

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  14. Paula, I agree with 100% with all you’ve said in your origional post. I did not read any of the following comments so forgive me if I’m repeating anything said previously. That being said, all the “he’s” could very well be replaced by, “she”, as was in my case. 😉 Reading your article was like talking to myself. Thank you. I don’t feel so alone now. 🙂

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    • Thank you, Traz. I try to write in a more gender-neutral manner these days, but I think those of us who know and have experienced this type of craziness know, without being specific, that these types are found across genders and cultures. They are equally destructive to the men and women they choose to harm. 🙂

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  15. Thank you God for this website ! I have been broken by the cruelty of 7 years with a person who I now know is a sociopath . He said he loved me ‘ in his way’. And that way was lying , belittling my values, faith and everything about me. I thought that there was good inside everyone but he used that trust to damage me emotionally even physically . Spat on me and tried to choke me twice, I have a good tip to help anyone in the first few months of ‘ no contact’ ( which is vital to your health) – I am replacing every bad memory with a better new memory and have sold his gifts on ebay to finance trips and new hobbies. I am doing my best to turn this around and make my life more positive , happy , rewarding than it would ever have been if I had never known him. I have days when I am upset and lonely but these days are further apart and I know that if I stay away from him , I will get stronger and be able to put this horrible time behind me . I pray the same for anyone who reads or posts a message on this site.

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    • Thank you, anonymous. Great advice! I sold a few things on consignment and was able to pay down debt I had accumulated inside the relationship. Just madness is what it is once we’re on the outside looking in. A huge drain and sucking dry of our resources and ability to love. 🙂

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  16. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years . I was vulnerable after my partner of 27 years died and I met a man with a personality disorder within a year . I was so lonely I ignored all warning signs . Verbal abuse and put-downs got worse, lies and betrayals and I always felt left out of his life, more lonely than ever . In 2013 he was physically abusive too , spitting on me , slapping my head , pouring tea over me . Denied everything to the Police and said I was mentally ill . I am in my 50’s and feel so sad and empty . I was treated like a hated enemy and spoken to as if I was less than a person , he would put his hand over my mouth and ignore me. Even though I loved and looked after him he did nothing for me – I never saw his home , he never took me anywhere unless I paid for him. He humiliated me by letting his other woman/women answer my texts when I wanted to know where he was ( staying out all night). I have avoided contact since April 2014 and feel a lot better in myself , but why is he still in my head ? I have lost all trust and I am so scared of men .

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    • Anonymous, he’s still in your head, because regardless of the abuses against you by him, your heart still sees him as a person. Your heart and logic simply haven’t caught up to each other and found balance. When we enter into partnerships with these people, our gut refuses to accept the red flags as dangers and instead sees them as pink flags to move in and try to fix the dynamics. We can’t fix people ,and we mustn’t continue ignoring our intuition. It’s time to hone in on those intuitive skills you’ve lost as a result of lack of practice. The trust in those who deserve your trust will slowly return. But you’ve got to foster and honor trust in yourself first.

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    • I feel your pain.. They seem to cast a spell. Reading about disorder
      is therapeutic. It will help you realize it isn’t you. This person has a disease

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  17. This post really opened my eyes, thankyou

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    • E

      Paula I need your help on this one. My sociopath threw me away a year and a half ago, from day one he had another girlfriend and it broke me in pieces…but here is the thing that is happening now…I really struggled through this past year and a half because he dont leave me alone, although he is involved in this new relationship with this girl he told me who was better in every single way I ever could be…about 3 weeks ago he contacted me again, I completely ignored him…for 3 days he kept sending me messages every single possible way, but I just ignored him…it looked like he went crazy because I did not respond to anything, but I was very proud of myself. I totally stay out of his way, ignore them as far as it is humanly possible for me to do in such a small town, and that is what I was doing the last year and a half, staying out of their way, because it was to hurtful for me to see them together…I also never ever contacted him, he’s the one that every three to four weeks will contact me when he need something from me…but not the last time, I totally ignored him. So today, and keep in mind, Im actually in a “good” place right now…his present girlfriend (who is still a child) sends me a nasty, hateful message on facebook! I was so shocked, I could not breath…she said things about me she know nothing about and that she is glad that Im suffering “cause thats how the wheel turn”! Im actually still in shock while Im writing this, cause I have no idea what she is talking about and I dont know why she is so nasty to me, cause I have never ever done anything or said anything to her…I just went on with my life, trying to pick up my pieces and stay as far away from them as I possibly could. Why this? Why now? I really dont understand this and I dont want things like this to happen, cause I want them out of my life! O, I did not respond on her message, I totally ignored it. Please help me to understand this, cause I really dont.

      Love E

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    • E, she contacted you because he is trying to triangulate you both to create the drama of triangulation. He’s bored, just like all narcs/sociopaths, and frustrated because he couldn’t get you to play along. So he whispered some lies to her and it worked. She’s probably a very jealous and insecure person, her biggest weakness, and he used that to ignite the drama. It’s not about you, it’s about his need for drama and chaos. He probably has another woman he is interested in and is looking for a way around his current relationship. Remain detached and do not reach out. 🙂

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    • Thank you Paula, I understand this 100%, cause I have been there and know exactly in what state of mind she must be after a year and a half. I pity her. She is not going to find the problem and answer by attacking me, the problem is right in front of her eyes, but she can and will never see it until its to late.

      I just wish I can stop shaking now lol

      Thanks for your help x

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    • e
      Paula is right re the triangulation as I too suffered that game. It’s just another tactic to ‘keep you’ from moving on as, he doesn’t want you to be free.
      They are the most selfish creatures & love to create chaos & trigger you into uncomfortable places. You shouldn’t have to live like that but, alas this is the scenario they enjoy.
      Stay strong & no contact ever! Block all forms of communication from him & the OW or the taunts for reaction will continue. Go out & seek you happiness & break the bonds of entrapment!
      Love & Light,
      PR xoxo

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    • Thanks you all for your help and answers…they are both so pathetic, I dont have the energy to spend one more second thinking of them and what they are doing…just leave me out of it! Im stronger then ever before, and I will not let him drag me down again, I have been through enough abuse from him…and now she is tagging along lol, but yes, I truly feel sorry for her.

      xxx

      E

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  18. Thank you for this post, everything you said in this post is so similar to my situation. I am married to a sociopath who is serving time in prison and I am thinking about divorcing him because I seen no improvement in him. Hes just playing the system to convince the parole board that he’s reformed. After two years of imprisonment, I have been so supportive and patient, but now I feel betrayed because from the beginning of his incarceration he was telling me his regrets and how much he needed me and how he will change and wants a family. Now since its closer to his release date, I noticed that he has not changed from our conversations. He says that he will not be a slave for anyone, and make his money his way, and doesn’t want kids now. Hes going to relapse back into his criminal career. I’ll be 29 this year, and have no kids. I don’t have time for this anymore. I stayed because I felt this would change , but it won’t. I didn’t know he was a sociopath until he told me while in prison, and I researched the traits and the traits of a sociopath is exactly how he is. I recently sent him a letter confessing my plan to divorce him before he is released. I have been feeling so trapped for almost 5 years, and now after reading this post and comments, I won’t feel as guilty when leaving him. This is so hard, but it must be done because I am soooo miserable.

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    • This is the best time to break it off with him. And please do not judge yourself a fool for holding out hope for this person regardless of the fact he is a convicted felon. I worked in community corrections for almost three years. The majority of individuals being released from the corrections facilities in this country do not want to go back; they recognize they need to change and try very hard to change. Unfortunately, there are those who belong behind bars for life. People like the man you describe is one of them…zero remorse and zero interest in changing. The criminal life is easy and accessible, and he certainly does not care whom he harms or destroys. Find a solid support system/group of trusting friends who understand your fears and need for understanding and not judgment.

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    • I am having a really bad time here! I am really struggling. I was with my Ex Manuel, who Is a Sociopath for five and a half years. Of course I went through the normal love, bombing, etc – the normal routine.
      When I met him he had a car, restaurant and an apartment. He told me he was hiding from his ex as she wanted money from him because she was money mad and warned me to stay away from her as she was dangerous and very clever. Far cleverer than I could ever be. He told me she was beautiful, very rich and he was scared of her! Then things started going wrong with the restaurant and I found out that it actually wasn´t his! He had a 40% non financial share in it. His share was to work as the chef. It was the partner who put all the money in. But Manuel then started steeling all the money and the partner threw him out. He begged me to use my savings and buy the partner out. I refused. I then found out that the car and the apartment came with the restaurant. He was car less and homeless so he moved in with me. For a year he continually barked at me that his ex was a ´lady´and was far better than me, more attractive than me, more intelligent than me, she had two degrees, was as rich as the Onassis family, elegant, demure, wrinkle free even though she was 60! I am 42!! He is 52. (she is from Finland) Oh! and speaks FIVE languages and that I was not worthy to clean her shoes! In between this he is telling me that I was fat, ugly, stupid, an idiot that only an idiot would want me. (I am actually an award winning international Journalist and ex model)
      Not long after he moved in his ex called his cell phone and I answered it. She could hardly speak English, (one of her FIVE languages) She asked who I was and I told her I was his girlfriend. She started screaming that she was ´beautiful´ and that he loved her. When I assured her that we had been living together for almost six months she started to cry and told me that he had told her that I was only his business partner and was going to give him money for her as she had none, that she was broke and was about to be thrown out in the street. She told me that HE owed HER – TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS for money she had invested in a restaurant that had gone bust and he´d promised to pay her back from some money he was owed. He also, told me the same story, that he was owed a lot of money and when the guy comes out of prison he will receive a holdall full of money!! (I know know he uses this story as a way of getting people to give hime money.)
      I told the woman I will not give her any money and made Manuelcall her in front of me and demand she never calls back. He did this. As far as I knew she was out of our lives.
      We struggled in the bedroom as he is impotent, I even paid for him to see a specialist who prescribed injections directly into his penis, that didn´t work. But of course it was my fault as I was so fat and ugly! He was OK with everyone els! I did remember though that the ex also warn me of this! We only had sex five time in five and half years and never in the last two and a half years we were together.
      I was starved of every type of emotion there was. It got to the point if I argued with him he would spit in my face. He slapped me several times really hard across my face, once leaving me with concussion. Then he kept calling the police on me and kept trying to get me arrested. But once he was drunk and he smashed some of my personal possessions and the cops arrested him. It came out that he´s been hitting me and they took him to court. He begged me to drop the charges and like a fool I did. However, he never hit me again after that. He would just scream in my face and put his face in mine and spit in my face. I began calling him names too. Names I have never heard of and totally out of my character. I felt I was as bad as him. I started drinking heavily and taking anti deppresants with alcohol. Then he would call me a drunken whore.
      Several years went by and he rarely worked and if he did he would always leave when he got paid and of course come back full of sorry´s and mistakes when the money had gone. He would drink the money. He would continue calling me a mongol, whore, and I continued drinking and footing the bills.
      I grew unbearably unhappy at his time and knew I could´t continue any longer. Then he upped the anti. He stole my credit card, my mobile phone and my son´s Christmas money. I actually caught him red handed spending on my credit card and he point blank denied it! I could´t believe it! Then I started to work out the lies. Lie after lie. It was like a horror movie unfolding in front of my eyes. I saw last five years of my life turn into a lie too. I didn´t know was was true and what was not. Even down the the fact he painted my living room, did he do that because it was our home or did he do it to keep the roof over his head?! I ended up second guessing everything.
      I sat down one day and put my head in my hands and cried, I didn´t know who I was anymore. I demanded he leave and he did. He went to work in Poland but before he left he told me that he was back with his precious Ex, I didn´t believe him.
      In the two months he was away I was OK, I didn´t feel anything, I didn´t miss him, I was happy and relieved. Then he came back grovelling and even begged me to marry him. The next day I saw the mobile phone he stole from me and saw the text messages from the same ´60´year old ex he dumped five and a half years ago! She text him saying , Ï still love you so much!
      When I confronted him he said it was her fault!! That he never encouraged her and she just continued to send text messages even though he never replied to her! LIE!!! He packed his bags and left. He is now five hundred miles away from me livening in a dingy bet sit and taking handouts from his family and friends. I have since found out that he has borrowed money from all my friends and has obtained credit from all the local shops and has not paid anyone back.
      But my problem now – is now – is that he has bought this ´ex´back in to the equation I can´t cope. The second guessing has gone haywire, out of control. I´ve gone into melt down texting and calling him wanting to know the truth, even though I know I won´t get it. I even thought about driving the five hundred miles to check his phone!!! What´s going on in my head?????? He is BAD, BAD news, and I know I have had a lucky escape. I know she is just ANOTHER source for him and I tell myself that I feel sorry for her. But this has sent me crazy. I know the no contact it the right thing to do for many reasons but under these circumstances I´m finding so hard. And even worse – now he has his new fodder he relishing that fact that he´s not contacting me because he knows it will hurt me! He had always delighted in causing me as much pain as possible, sometimes even laughing. When I have asked why he does it, he just says, ´because he can¨.
      It´s mad! I just want this to end. I want him out of my life and my head… NOW!

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    • Sarame1,

      I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can assure you that these are normal reactions and is a result of your mind attempting to make sense of the cognitive dissonance and your co-occurring opposing emotions–I love him; I hate him. He needs my help; he’s hopeless. I need him; he’s destroying me.

      It’s ever-so tempting to reach out to him and beg for answers in these moments of deep rumination and despair. But you will NEVER, EVER receive what you want from him. He will continue to lie to cover his lies and to appear as if he is a man of honor and integrity who has done everything he could to make things right that YOU and this other woman messed up. You and this other woman are the cause and reason for all of his heartache and financial woes.

      He has no remorse or conscience and absolutely sees himself as the victim. As you noted, he finds pure glee and joy in watching you suffer and fail. Calling him in the state you’re in will simply validate his hateful and despicable judgments of you. Why energize him with the source of emotions he so desperately needs to feel empowered? It’s time to empower yourself.

      I, too, found myself drinking away the pain and also taking anti-depressants. Neither offers solace; both are enemies of uncovering our true power and our true freedom. The sooner you break free of those substances, the easier it will be for you to break free of the trauma and betrayal bonds of your toxic relationship.

      Right now, your logic hasn’t caught up with your heart. You still hold out hope–and rightly so–that this man will be decent and accountable. You must accept what he is and also let go of your ego and accept that this person is not capable of love, understanding or a true connection. You must refocus all of your questions back at yourself and find self-love and self-awareness. These two things will bring you peace.

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    • Leave him now.I just dumped my jerk who strung me along through prison,probation,numerous domestics…there was a hearing four days ago.I dumped him two weeks ago.He’s on his own.Not paying for lawyer or anything.Got out this time ahead with my money and sanity.They never change.

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    • This was me 20 years ago and I am still trapped in his misery. You have to leave him as soon as you can. If you wait until he gets out of jail it will be impossible because he will need you more than ever to help him get on his feet….which he will never do. He is going to take everything from you; your life, money, freinds, family, career, house and car. You will be left in ruins while he leaves you for his next victim after your uses up. I am still attached to my sociopath….I am one of his 7 kids mother. When I met him he had one baby by his ex and has had 5 from affairs. He can’t keep a job more than a month, sells drugs, steals and robs…even from me. He is emotionally, physically and mentally abusive. I have an attachment to him that I cannot seem to let go of. He’s not that attractive and is rude and mean to me. I ask myself every day why am I still around, its because he has spent years on molding me to be his puppet. I now accept his cheating as long as its not in my face. He can tell me to shut up and treats me like a dog. I don’t think of myself as being stupid for him because I’m not but I am living a miserable existence, I cry every other day. I’m confused most of the time about what he says and does. I have called the police, restraining orders, battered woman shelters, counseling and everything you can think of. His madness can turn to love light a light switch and the love is so powerful it keeps me coming back. I left him 5 months ago for the 1000th time and like always he slowly wiggled back into my life. The only way to escape is to move and have no contact… Ever or you will be back with him. These people are toxic, he chose you because you are a good person and are happy, something he is not and will suck it from you. He will take all of your joy for life away. I know what he’s telling you from prison.” I love you, I love you more than any other woman I have ever been with. You are my soul mate, when I get out I’m going to stop doing what I been doing, im going to get a job, stop drinking/drugs. I want to take care of you and be a good man for you. I learned from my mistakes and don’t want to be in prison, I want to be home with you”. You can either leave him now or wait until your 40 or 50 and have wastes years of your life for a man who eventually will leave you.

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    • I’m so sorry, Misery. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to express what most of us fear accepting as the truth behind why these relationships seem to “thrive.”

      Like

  19. Paula, I so needed to see this post because it has helped me a bit in the making sense that makes no sense. I have been silent and wanted to comment on the Oscar and Rice case, as being a lawyer I have so much to say about the messed up judicial system. However, I been in a melt down since you opened me up to my truth. I just don’t have it in me in to give anymore, so I rather just read and spend time alone. This may be my last post in awhile because I just need that space.

    Keeping it simple, I am depressed and yes I have sought counseling and told it is normal to breaking apart because for some time I been living in disbelief/denial but soon comes a breakdown. A lot surfaced in me that took me to the ground, and this post hit home again because although I left I feel damaged because through counseling I have been told it is not I am afraid he will call but afraid I go back because I live in disbelief and hope this is all a nightmare.

    I do not feel that way. I feel I am afraid more that he will say something hurtful but a part of me think it is true because close to 20 years and he has made no attempt to contact me or even ask a friend or family how I am and I know he will not. I meant nothing to him and I will never get any closure because to him he did nothing wrong at all. The cheating and verbal abuse and his acts of physical hostility with things in our home never happen but me being crazy, controlling etc is the truth to him and anyone who believes his lies.

    I just cannot let go of that although I know it is not true. He so destroyed my life. How the hell do I deal with close to 20 years wasted and the loss of a child and my trust that is blown? I am in a real dark place even all my words I tell myself and others on take back your power and know your value cannot help. I hit rock bottom. I am in a real dark place. It is so true everything you wrote. My ex comment to me was go ahead leave and I hope the next man can put up with you. There was no I love you and always will. Even when I told him I felt like leaving even a few years in advance, this is why it hurt so bad because I tried over the last few years to change his mind about me and work on us when I confronted him about cheating and lies he turned on me. He said all my actions over the years made him fall out of love with me and he should have told me a long time ago but I was just so difficult to handle. I felt crazy hearing that. He was having sex with me and making me spend a lot of money on a house I not live in and he has not loved me in a long time! Yet, even then I still tried for him. It still stings because all I kept seeing was he claimed he was so happy until he had fits of rage, which I felt my fault because I kept apologizing. Yet, reading this makes me feel worse because he found enjoyment out of it from what I take and more of way to justify I was crazy to others. It so hurts bad because why I kept trying is because every now and then he told me he cared and we could work it out. I left not because I was ready but desperation!

    Paula, you do a good job and a lot of your post hit home for me of recent and I wish I could comment more but I am just barely hanging in there. I am just so sad and wish this never happen to me. For a long time in those three years when I tried to leave I could think of no one else touching me and now I feel so dirty. So dirty that I scrub my skin hard every time I shower.. I am so ashamed and disgusted and feel more crazy because even now I try to make sense out of no sense but what makes it worse is I feel more dirty and ashamed than anything.

    Like

    • Anonymous, I understand and know exactly why you feel this way because I, too, felt this way. The irony is that we must let go of our ego before we can find that self-confidence and self-love that will allow us to accept what happened to us and to accept who these people are. It’s not about taking back our power and forging ahead as if we were not affected. We never truly had a connection to our power in the first place. Most people do not, even people who have never found themselves with pathological types like your ex and mine. We can’t go back to a place we once found ourselves…that blissfully ignorant place where we believed there was good in everyone. We can’t go back there because now we know how silly and ignorant we were. We now know how blind we were to this existence. True healing from this type of assault upon our spirit is about stripping away those attachments and becoming vulnerable to discovering what and who we truly are at our core…at our simplest place of existence. Those 20 years were not lived in vain. You were becoming stronger and stronger with each passing day. Those years were leading you to a place of full awakening, an awakening that you stand at the threshold of living. Mourn that life, but believe that there is an even greater light in the wake of this darkness. ~Paula

      Like

  20. Hi Paula

    What do you do when your sociopath finds out you think he’s a sociopath (he grabbed my phone and checked my google search history when he sensed I was strong because of something I had read online). It was absolutely chilling.

    Just another example of his astonishing need to control me I guess, more evidence that I should get my children and myself away from him.

    Thank you so much for this web page.

    Like

    • Anna, I think formulating an escape plan would be very wise and informing someone else about your suspicions is also a good idea. And you’re correct…the sociopath recognizes that he has or is on the verge of losing complete control of you so has resorted to more aggressive and covert measures to control and scare you into submission.

      Like

  21. Hi I enjoyed your article it is a crazy World being with a sociopath. My Mother was a sociopath and I had a pretty unusual childhood due to this and of course a terrible relationship as I got older with my Mother (she passed away in 2006). For 4 years before she died I tried very hard to have a relationship with her on my terms and it worked to a point. It was good that my children eventually met her, I felt it important that they understood that history but clearly they were old enough to know about her before that happened. I never left them alone with her. I thought over the years I had pretty much dealt with what my Mother had done to me and my family over and over again.
    A lot of years have gone by, I married (we were together a long time) had my children divorced, had a range of relationships that sadly all ended but apart from my ex-husband I had never lived with any of the others that were all fairly short lived and normal lol!
    Then I met someone wonderful, he was everything I hoped I would find, I seriously couldn’t believe my luck. We got engaged and moved in together, very quickly after he moved in things began to change but it was all very subtle, he was patient in getting what he wanted. Then I became very ill, and he looked after me, not brilliantly but he was there. I was ill for over a year and spent much of that time in hospital. I was always going to recover but knew it would take a long time. I’d been home from hospital about 2 months (still couldn’t go out alone, or walk up the stairs very well), and he left me. No warning, nothing! Just came home from a work trip and announced he was leaving because he wasn’t happy. He’d treated me so badly for months but I had convinced myself it was him panicking over my health and that he was frustrated and things would go back to normal after I was better. Now I know none of it was normal.
    It was about a week later I started to get calls from worried friends and family, due to all of them being told by him that I was actually dying!! Then calls from others’ saying they thought he was having an affair with someone they knew etc. Actually there were 4 of them. The day he left me he moved straight in with one of them, who he is with now. It affected me so badly I had a complete break down, and I still can’t quite believe I managed to not see it after experiencing my Mother. They are intrinsically the same person. I cannot believe the realisations of the way he lied and manipulated me right from the start. Of course his family and some friends contacted me saying he had done it all his life. I am now friends with several of his ex-partners.
    I am really struggling to live my life well. I go over it every day (probably every minute). I just want to let it go!

    Like

  22. I recently found your blog and I thought my story would help anyone also struggling. One week ago I ended an almost 4 year relationship with a sociopath. I was the perfect target for him. I was a strong, fun-loving, and caring girl. I knew he had cheated in the past, he took blame whenever it was brought up or discussed, claimed he had been burned in other relationships. He knew i had been hurt in various ways in my own past too. He always showered me with gifts, he was embraced among my friends, I was included in his circle of friends, his family gatherings and he over time grew close with my family. He was highly intelligent, charming, ruggedly handsome and attentive in the bedroom. He had a back-story filled with abuse/ injustice, anything that would invoke pity for all he had suffered. I only now know he had been suffering from conduct disorder as a youth and evolved into a sociopath.

    Despite all of this, we were only able to see each other once or twice a week. We lived on opposite sides of the city, back with our families and worked different hours. Plans to get our own place were the intent, but financial difficulties on both our parts always were in the the way. We both changed jobs often. He worked in the bar trade mostly, so he always had opportunity for side action (which I later found out he had plenty of) and he was always curious of my schedule (most likely so he would know when he could see his other women)

    There were countless fights, issues were always my fault according to him. I found myself begging at times for him to explain what i did wrong or why he was treating me so harshly. He tried to separate me from my friends, the very people who at times defended him, since we were all under the impression he was suffering from depression.There were large gaps of time where i didn’t see his family or friends. When i questioned why we didn’t do things with them anymore, he would accuse me of thinking he wasn’t enough for me. He knew exactly what to say to me, whether is was to rile me up to feed a drama craving or the loving sweet words to calm me down again, He would hold my head in his hands and tell me he’s loved no one else more, no matter what happens that he would always love me, etc. I had cared for other men I have dated, but he was my first love. Someone who I can attest I was in love with. He truly had me trained and controlled by means of pity, which is textbook sociopath.

    One week ago I had my heart ripped out. It was by random chance a friend of mine bumped into an old friend of hers. She found out this girl had been dating him for the last few months. I later learned through others that he had been with other girls for a few months here and there. He had been using his position at multiple bars/ jobs to satisfy desires with other women. The known number is well over a dozen, but I wouldn’t doubt there are more. I wont go into detail, but that night I ended it with him. I didn’t have to say anything, since the girl and I showed up at his job together. I haven’t gotten an apology, he has not tried to call, text or email and I don’t have the intention of ever having contact with him again.

    It has only been a week, but I can say with full confidence that having a strong group of people around you, to support you and be there with you, is a life saver. I’m fortunate to have people from his life, family and friend, who support and have been there for me.
    You will want to turn into Carrie Underwood, destroy his material treasures, punch into next week and make a public example of him. I know its not easy, but I realized the best course of action is nothing. Any attention given to him, through you or others on behalf of you, will just show him he matters to you. The day after we broke up, with the help of friends, I went through all of my stuff, took my rage out on things I wanted to get rid of with a pair of scissors/ hammer. A few days later i did a dramatic burning of everything in a fire pit, the hardest to burn were the only hard copy photos we had taken together. News of what had happened spread through my network of friends and as much as I wanted to have them flood his world and make him pay, I just had to let it go. I had my low points (Wanting to climb into a bottle, begging my friends to wake me from the nightmare i was in, not wanting to live my life anymore and so on) and still have my rough moments. My grandmother once told me that it takes three months for every year you were with someone to get over them. That may be true for other relationships, but I know it may take longer and be harder for those who suffered the mental and verbal abuse of a sociopath.

    I prepared for the next weeks, months, years to be tough. I count my blessings I got out before things got more complicated. I’m glad we never got engaged or moved in together. I have to slowly trust myself again and love myself again. I have to learn to listen to my gut and not ignore my feminine intuition as i so often did. I have to start appreciating the freedom and possibilities that lay ahead. I still struggle with the songs, restaurants, movies and recreational activities we did and try to focus on enjoying them with others. I still feel sick at the thought of how he touched me in acts of intimacy, feeling tainted or used like a towel. I cant bear the thought of wearing lingerie for someone else, being close with someone else or ever trying to love again. I know those feelings will fade over time, that healing takes time. That I will have to deal with the memories of our relationship, having it unravel now knowing the truth and deep breathe to pain away of each realization.

    I do hope that anything I have shared has helped someone. It’s important to remember that we are better off for getting out of these toxic relationships, that they were an addiction, an illusion of what we wanted in a relationship. That what comes with the freedom from it is a chance to find someone who will be faithful and truly loving of you.

    I came across this months ago. Its a sweet promise that things can be better.
    http://zenpencils.com/comic/103-c-s-lewis-to-love-at-all/

    Thank you for letting me share and reading your experiences has made me feel not alone in the struggle for recovery.

    Like

  23. Paula, I’m not familiar with energy cord cutting?

    Like

  24. I was engaged to a sociopath. We were together off and on for years. Even though it’s been over a year since I broke it off, I still find myself struggling. He’s constantly coming back and feeding me bullshit only to pull away and go back to ignoring me. And as you say he makes me out to be crazy… I’ll think I’m over him and then he comes back. It’s like he knows I’m doing well. He finds a way to contact me and then the cycle starts again.

    It’s funny how on point this was as well as the comments. Although it’s nice to know I’m not alone, I’m desperate to get over him. I’ve had time, I’ve talked to a therapist, I’ve read books and I’ve even been in a relationship another guy. What do I have to do to make my heart realize how toxic he is to me.

    Like

    • Desperate, I am sorry you keep getting sucked back into the craziness and mind games. I think the key to synching your heart with your head is to nurture your self-trust, self-love, and self-respect. Transform in to the you you have always envisioned you to be. When we are on the road to your highest vibration, you will begin to realize that those who have hurt you and sucked you of our energy and vitality, no longer deserve what you have to offer. You will become free and unattached. Have you considered doing energy cord cutting?

      Like

    • Hi Paula & Desperate,

      I have recently spoken to the ‘Other Women’ & one has been trapped for 28 years, she is a lovely co-dependent he has created & feels she has wasted her life waiting so, she continues to wait! He has made her feel like she is not good enough re the competition & triangulation methods. He supports her financially to keep her tied to him. It’s awful & such a tragic waste. 😦
      Another women (14 years & still on) & me plus, the current are now all in contact so, I think he is about to finally get his comeuppance if that’s possible as, he has women everywhere!
      The patterning is the same & he has done the identical script to us all, including the intimate stuff & has been sexually abusive to us all!! It’s amazing how he has made us all ‘acquiesce’ (his favorite word apparently) & accept the unacceptable. The grooming & brainwashing has been unbelievable.

      Desperate, it’s the addiction as Paula has written about etc…if he keeps contact it feeds the connection & that’s why is such a hard habit to break.
      Strict No Contact is the only way to go, otherwise they play with your head forever!

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxox

      P.S. I will let you know how it all falls out?

      Like

    • Desperate

      I know exactly what you are talking about, so dont ever feel alone in this situation. I was in a relationship for four years with a sociopath and after a year of separation he still does not leave me alone. Its as if he knows, after 3 to 4 four weeks he must contact me again, just when Im starting to find my feet again and try to move on, he will sent me a message to completely swipe me of my feet again and dump me back in that black hole that Im struggling to get out of. Its a vicious cycle that he is following and its destroying me. After a year Im still struggling to find myself again, to heal, to get back on my feet and move on, but he wont let me. Just yesterday, after 3 weeks of silence, he sent me a message telling me that he miss me, that every song that plays on the radio make him think of me and he misses dancing with me (just keep in mind that he have a girlfriend, the one he dumped me for), but still sent me messages like that, that absolutely destroy me…and after a day of messages of how he miss me, its just silence again and then he start to ignore me again for the next 3 to 4 weeks…its just another addiction he has got me into and another addiction I dont know how to break. That man is killing me slowly. I dont know how Im ever going to survive this.

      E

      Like

  25. thank you for this.. i am going through some very hard times and at times have felt like i just didnt want to wake up. lets just say an on and off again relationship with a sociopath that also had a drug addiction, that even made it worse. he developed this completely after we split then came back over and over begging literally crying for help… then continually hurt me over and over. and somehow even now almost a year later nothing makes me feel better, hell contact me say he loves me and literally is able to cry his eyes out one day to the next being a cruel lying heartless asshole. its sad because i know a part of him loves me and thats what pulls you in but i also know he doesnt deserve me and could never take back his behaviors, and no matter how much he loves me he will most likely hurt me in some way again, the other problem is when youre feeling this way you are so lonely and its impossible to let anyone help you or let any other guy in

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing, anonymous. Getting to a place of acceptance is often the hardest part. It seems like you are there and know there is no hope for that relationship to ever be healthy. You deserve better. 🙂

      Like

  26. I’ve been one of theese people for 13 years, I have left and been begged to come back every time , from his crying to finding me anywhere I go to text after text phone calls to showing up at my kids school… To be left with no friends or people that think he’s awesome to one day if he’s not careful that someone is going to hurt him one day. The last time I left was two months ago and I managed to avoid all his phone calls and him showing up place crying, to we have to see a counselor .. Well I let him pick one and he managed to pick one that was young and who he sensed out that he could manipulate.. Even with all the horrible stuff I told her I was going through.. He picked instead of me because I knew if I picked and if the counselor was male and saw there was a problem , he would have accused the counselor of like me and wanting to have sex with me, anyway I let him know I knew what he was doing and that was our first and only session. I’ve been through a nightmare with this man.. From things like going out with him and then going to sleep to find he has receded himself on his phone doing stuff to me, he runs my female friends away if cannot not be realy good friends with them, and there is no seperate time away from him, he has to be with me constantly.. If been through a lot of the other things that you have all mentioned. But I was adopted , adoptioned failed and have no one to go to and since I haven’t been allowed to work because it wasn’t worth the fight have no money saved, and am not going to a shelter with my older teenagers, I’m just trying to hang on with out going insane untill they turn 18. It was comforting knowing I’m not the only person out there dealing with this.

    Like

    • I’m so sorry you are in the place you find yourself. Now that you know you are not alone and others have overcome what seems like a lose-lose situation that you will find the strength to change and act. Emotional support and encouragement go a long way. A friend or counselor who “gets it” can make a huge difference. Finding just one person who you can bounce your frustrations off daily won’t minimize or question you…that’s critical. 🙂

      Like

    • Hi Paula, I thought you might like to read this case. Unfortunately Alison did not make it out but, at least her husband will rot in jail!
      Keep up the great work Paula as there’re are many Alison’s out there. 😦
      I hope Oscar gets his comeuppance also?

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/2014/07/15/06/52/deliberations-continue-in-baden-clay-case

      Like

    • Thank you! This is amazing justice! Let’s hope Reeva gets the same. 🙂 ❤

      Like

  27. Paula-
    While reading your post, I constantly was thinking about how accurate every sentence was. I was in a relationship with a sociopath for almost a year and a half. I had just gotten out of a previous long-term relationship and when my ex and I broke up, the sociopath swooped in. The year and a half with him was filled with extreme insecurities, frustrations, fighting, self- destruction, losing myself, insanity, manipulation, lies, betrayal, and me continually fighting for his love despite all the misery. He would break up with me for a couple weeks and then con his way back into my life after going on a rampage of manipulating other girls and having unprotected sex with numerous partners. He broke me, yet controlled me. And everyone- his friends, family, my closest friends and loved ones, were manipulated by him and coined me as the psychotic one. About 6 months ago, while we were still dating, I went to Florida for 2 weeks with him and his entire family. Several weeks after that, he joined me on a family skiing vacation. Then a few days after that, he dropped me like a bad habit. He was so sure of himself. I’ve never felt such pain in my life. One month after that he was dating a 19 year old co-worker of ours at a job that I set up for him. So I was constantly running into him and his new young girlfriend all over each other. Two months into their relationship, he called me when he was intoxicated and manipulated me into having sex with him by claiming he could care less about the 19 year old and he’s only dating her to get over me and he still loves me. I fell for it. Then right after it, he told me we don’t belong together and we’ll never work out, and that the 19 year old is much more nurturing than I ever was…He also admitted to cheating on me several times during our relationship. One of the affairs was with a woman with a husband and a newborn baby. I was heart broken again by him. I fell for it again. A few days after that, I decided to email the 19 year old girl and tell her everything that had happened. I told her that I was contacting her not out of spite, but because I wished someone would have told me about all the times he cheated on me so I could’ve gotten him out of my life sooner. She completely understood and got rid of him 100 percent and I respect her so much for that. Within 2 days after she ended things with him, he had a new girlfriend. This one was someone that I was an acquaintance with. She is completely and utterly obsessed with him. She told me she’s never felt this way about someone before. After reading all of these articles and having a psychologist tell me that my ex is 100 percent a functional sociopath and I endured an extreme amount of emotional abuse from him….its finally starting to make sense. As much as it still hurts and I still cry myself to sleep more nights than not, I know I’ll eventually be ok. I know I have my head on straight and I was not the psychotic one after all. I feel for his new girl friend. I can already tell how vulnerable she is and how much he is preying on that vulnerability. She is going to eventually get crushed just like every girl in his path. I cannot look at pictures of them together with jealousy anymore. I have to remember how evil that person in that picture truly is…. thank you so much for all of your help you have no idea how much more you have opened my eyes….

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing your experience, Elizabeth. I’m so glad you are coming to a place of understanding and acceptance. There is absolutely no need to be jealous of the new girlfriend, you’re correct. She isn’t getting a better or different version of him; she’s getting a the same version of hell you lived and many of us lived with our ex abusers. 🙂

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    • WOW! it was as if I was reading my own story! I was in a relationship for four years with a sociopath and he broke me, everything you mentioned happened to me and not one time, not a single time he had me in tears he showed any remorse…the day he let me go, his words to me was…”I met someone new and she is better in every single way that you ever was to me..” I was broken beyond repair and today, a year later, he still does not leave me alone, every 2 to 4 weeks I will hear from him, sms, call or just come unannounced to my house in the middle of the night although he is still in a relationship with this 17 year old…Im still struggling to heal, but I will get there eventually. But this relationship have changed my life for ever.

      God bless

      E

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    • E, Thank you for sharing. Realizing you are not alone does wonders for your peace of mind, self-understanding, and recovery. I hope you find a way to block him from messaging you and coming to your home unannounced. ❤

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  28. Anonymous
    Thanks Paula, i been with sociopath all most 4yrs and a lot of lies and abuse. one night when i came from work he took all his belongs and moved out with his sister i thought my life end even tho i always want to leave him. every day is a healing day for me it has been a year now and i wanna forgive him and live my life. after i read your blog am not the only one who been dealing with sociopath,
    TX

    Like

    • I’m so glad you discovered that you are not alone in your struggles to forgive. Start with forgiving yourself. Soon, what the sociopath inflicted upon you will be forgiven, too, but always be mindful of keeping the door closed to any future influence. 🙂

      Like

    • Thank you Paula, I been through a very hard and heartbreaking time this past year after I been thrown away like trash and he moved on to his next victim like I have never existed, plenty of tears, plenty of “why?”, what did I do wrong, thinking of taking my own life because I could not stand the pain, but after I discovered that he is a sociopath, windows opened for me and finally I could understand and get answers to all my questions and I now realize that the problem wasn’t me…all those times he had me in tears and I almost begged on my knees for him to show some remorse, just some human reaction and he just looked at me with emptiness, I never could understand that, but now I do…he never ever felt anything. I’m still struggling to forgive him because he took everything from me, I was a complete “nothing” when he dumped me. I’m struggling to get him completely out of my life, because he wont stop contacting me…I never ever respond, but that don’t stop him. This situation is very difficult for me, but I have learned to live with it, because its a pattern that he is following to see if he still got power over me. I just hope that someday he will stop.

      E

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  29. What a desperate moron I must have been. He was perfect and I’ve always felt confident that I’m a fairly intelligent woman. I don’t get how in just three months my entire life is practically ruined. We met on match.com (curse). The first night we met he said, “I’m never letting you go”. I felt so loved and lucky all in a few hours. From that moment forward, we spent every waking minute together. He was so attentive and sweet. Even though he sounded too good to be true, he couldn’t be a bad guy if he went to church every week and introduced me to his daughter as his future step mother!? What evil monster would do that?! I hit the lottery jackpot! After being cheated on by my husband of 12 years, it was finally my turn to be happy!
    But how could someone so amazing not have a ton of friends or close family….a guy like this?
    He then started telling me how toxic my friends were….and within a month I had stopped speaking to almost all of my close girlfriends. Within these 3 months, he managed to move in, get me to buy a car for him, (he was a millionaire entrepreneur who didn’t have a great credit report because all his money was tied up), borrow almost 15k to make payroll to all his employees and finally, asked me to marry him. I was engaged last weekend with the most gorgeous ring and realized I couldn’t call anyone to tell them the good news b/c they all hated him. Hmmm. I also noticed, he didn’t call anyone either. By the end of the weekend, my best friend, ex husband and parents had private investigators waiting at our house when we got back from our amazing trip to wine country. Huh? They presented both him and I his ‘bio’ of 14 counts of domestic violence in three different cities, married/divorced twice and a paternity suit against him 20 years ago. WHAT?! Within minutes my life was shattered in a million small pieces. Life is AWFUL. How does someone get through the day to day? Aside from a broken heart (again), My ex husband is “punishing me” by holding onto my two boys b/c of my unstable life right now and lack of judgement in bringing a violent man into my home putting our boys in potential danger, I’ve lost my friends, almost been fired from my job, and haven’t seen my kids in 8 days. I was conned by one of the best and yet, I’m the one that is paying daily for my “irresponsible behavior”. Some days I want to stay in bed ALL day and cry. Any advice on how to get through these first few weeks and try putting pieces back together? Thank you,

    Like

    • Whatamoron, you seem to be in a very good place with your understanding. All of the news you received was surely a shock and now the grieving has begun. You’ll go through all of the stages of grief from denial to anger back to bargaining and acceptance with lots of depression thrown in to keep you looking back. Remember that these are all very normal reactions to the betrayal you have experienced. This type of toxic love is like an addiction and it takes time, depending on the length of the relationship and how dependent you were for his validation, for our brain chemistry to catch up to what our hearts and our logical mind knows. The guy sucks and doesn’t deserve all of your power. Take it back. Find your confidence and embrace your worth.

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  30. I’m so tired, frustrated, mad, angry, broken hearted. I’m not in a good place. I want to die!!!!!!!!! I have no control, he’s in my head, knows my thoughts. I try n pick up the pieces to this puzzle but there’s always more, he comes back,I tell him to leave me alone, he doesn’t, now im crying because its almost 2 weeks, im so alone, suicidal, started using ice to escape his wrath. He’s raped me, laughed @ me, discarded me. I’m so hurt, can’t get out of bed. I think I’m having a breakdown. I knew the lovebombing in the beginning was a clear sign, but I thought he was really into me. He has many lovers, I am last one on that list, his name, job, even where he lived, all lies. I need help!!!!!!! I can’t deal,:*(

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    • Gia,
      The fact you reached out and posted on this blog indicates to me that your spark of life is still with you. It hurts to be discarded and to be treated like your existence means nothing. But why would you want to continue loving or wanting a person who can throw you away like trash? The more you think upon his actions with full awareness and logic, the more you’ll see that he has done you a favor. Those others mean nothing to him, either. You’re all at the bottom of a bucket. But so what? Wouldn’t you rather begin valuing yourself, today, in this moment, than scratch and claw for his acceptance and approval? You’ll never get it. He will NEVER give you what you want…no answers, worth, consideration. You don’t want to die because a rotten, stinking counterfeit person discarded you, do you? You aren’t rotten, stinky or counterfeit. What are you? Answer that for yourself. 🙂

      Like

    • Gia, he has already taken so much – do NOT let him have one more win in the game. They are the sick ones -not us. We can get help and everyday is another day we fit one more puzzle piece back together. Day by day.

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  31. I am currently in a relationship with a man I am now convinced is sociopathic. His father is a gentle drunk, but mother very toxic and unstable. In the 6 yrs I have been with him I have never heard her say “I love you” to him, only criticise. So I felt sorry for him for a long time, but now that we have two young children he has revealed his true self. Physical abuse (on one occasion arrested and charged), emotional abuse. Silent treatment, now that I’m not working (maternity leave), financial control. He has done some very hurtful things to me for which he has no remorse. He has never apologised or displayed remorse. So many things I dont know where to begin. We havent been physically intimate with him in 3 yrs, and I can’t stand him anymore. He works away during the week, a blessing, and is in no way able to deal with our children. Hes started making fun of our son, because he is super sweet and soft. Stating when he starts school he’ll be on the “special bus”. It hurts me to see him view them as a nuisance. In 2 1/2 yrs hes never fed them, and refuses to change our daughters nappy, saying he doesnt feel comfortable doing that, yet has 0orn, that i accidentally came across on his computer. It is for their sake that I know he can’t be in their life in any meaningful way. My question is, how do I instigate him leaving? One day he tells me to “f+++k off”, that I irritate him, that he will commit suicide just to get away from me/ everyone, then the next he tells me he loves me more than the world. Last night over the phone he told me he never wants to speak to me again, then 5 minutes later he says, I’ll call you tomorrow. We have agreed (in writing) previously (pre nup type document – I had property which I wanted protected. He had nothing, no job, career, assets, none of which i knew, and was living with his parents in a granny flat at age 35.) that I would have primary custody if we ever had children, then separated. I never thought id actually need to rely on it. Even recently, he said hes happy to see them only once a month as he ” cant handle them”. I’m scared of him, as he has a history of hurting others physically, always with an excuse though. I’m scared that he will suicide. Hes told ne how hes going to do it, and has even taken out life insurance to take “car3” of me. I dont want his money. Hws put me in his will as executor, which ive askedhim to remove. Hes told me if I dont do as requested he will “haunt” me, and everyone else (ie. His parents) and every house I live in, if I dont do as written. Then in the same conversation, he says hes moving overseas and will meet someone else. I dont want his death on my conscience, even though I have wished it for him. Just so my children and I can be free. I can’t even step on an ant, so it upsets me I could wish that for someone. I’m scared for my children if he commits suicide. How fo I get them through that.

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    • Lucy, We’re not supposed to get through another’s decision to kill themselves. If he were to off himself, which I highly doubt, it’s not within your power to understand it or be responsible for it. Every single one of us who has experienced these types have wished for their deaths. I used to daydream about him getting hit by a bus, but I got tired of stubbing my toes and walking into walls in those moments…hehe! Thinking and wishing them dead just brings us heartache, because it ISN’T in our nature to wish such things. So instead of wishing him dead, why not wish success for yourself and your children, regardless of any choice he makes to leave you or end his life. And if you react to him in any emotional way, he’ll keep coming back to you. These types are energized by our emotional reactions to them; our emotions energize them while simultaneously draining us. If he wants you on his insurance policy, comply. Just comply. Don’t challenge him anymore. Eventually, he’ll get bored with your limited reactions to his drama. That’s all it is…drama to suck away your energy.

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  32. thank you for your wise words paula. i used to be following your blog under a different name i made a new blog about something else that has just taken place close to my home. im 2 years out of my relationship with a sociopath and want to concentrate on a different subject for now but i just love your blog and never stop educating myself about what happened to me and my life. you have touched a place in my heart that gives me so much hope. love your blog, thank you. empathgirl

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  33. Hi everyone,
    in fact I actually need some advice of yours on how to break up my relationship with the sociopath I am with. I think I tried many times but failed all the time . At first, since I was not aware of what kind of person he is, I fell in his lies like how he loved and cared me or we were the soul mates –at the time I also thought like that-. He ended my friendships and minimized my contact with my family. Furthermore he always insisted on my being so naive to understand the true (bad, he means) intentions of the people around me. He drove away the friends I valued. I could not go anywhere or meet anyone without him. I took his doings for granted that he loves me so much and I should be grateful to him, but ignored and underestimated how I was suffocated by him. Even, at some point I felt I do not deserve his love. In some cases, we would quarrel until the point I wanted to throw myself out of window or was seized by nervous breakdown or he made me say I wronged him and say sorry. The only reason that made me continue this relationship was he always seemed to be very affectionate and be by myside which I was lacking a lot at the time.

    Unfortunately I got engaged with him, being unaware of his actual face, a year ago, and now all my family knows about him frequently asking when we are going to marry. I can never talk about my relationship to my family and never show them how I am suffering now. Especially my dad is quite conservative and will not welcome the idea of my ending the engagement. But utmost importance is the fact that I actually fear from him not daddy. He knows all my weaknesses (anyway I have never been a strong person) and my friends and coworkers. I fear that he will not talk positively about me towards them or my family, and I fear that I will lose my remaining contacts too. Once I tried to break up with him and tried to talk somewhere outside, he yelled me mentioning the matters between us that are supposed to be private. Of course I got really angry and walked away being embarrassed of the people around. But he mentioned the things that made me feel very cruel and unconscientious and guilty and that I wronged him. By the positive feedbacks of my friend who was also fooled just like me and my other friends, we united.

    I read a psychiatric case not long ago and learned about sociopaths and it was the time I noticed all the symptoms are exactly matching to my fiancé. He is an actual sociopath who is so cruel and unconscientious. He has sucked me in so completely that both financially and mentally I am exhausted. I don’t know how to get rid of him completely with minimum damage. Being boring or unattentive is not helping because when I am silent or not caring him for a short while, he will begin to quarrel and will blame me on being such a heartless and straight person. I have had to always compliment him and show my affection to him in order to avoid any tension. What can I do to leave him completely? I appreciate any advises really.

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    • Erun, Do you live with this person? If you live with him, you might want to rent a moving truck on a day he’s at work. If you don’t live with him, you simply need to tell him it’s over and give back the engagement ring and begin no contact.

      You allude to friends who understand. The friends who understand need to be informed of your decision to end it. Don’t be ashamed of failing your family. If you are not in love with this person and you marry him, that would be failing yourself AND putting your entire future and possible children at risk of being abused.

      Your family may not understand now, but in about 6 months to a year when you begin to emerge from this dark place you’ve been emotionally, financially and spiritually imprisoned, your family will see you made the best decision for your life and theirs.

      What you describe is exactly why I didn’t leave. I may have stayed longer if it hadn’t been for his abuse of my son. I would have lived in shame and blame forever! No one grows in shame and blame. No one lives life immersed in shame and blame.

      Leave for you. Don’t stay for others.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Fortunately, we are not living together. Before engagement we were living together but immediately after it, he did not hesitate to show me his real face, and I moved away. But of course he found a way to fool me later on, persistently waiting for me to recover and pretending to be the victim and I was the exaggerator and the intolerant. I believed him in the end due to his patience of 2-3 months.

      We haven’t been talking for 2 days since our last and one of the biggest and equally most trivial quarrel. He probably waits the best time to call me back. So it was really important for me to have some advise who could understand me. Thus, I really appreciate your advise, sincere reply and encouragement. I think here has been the only place that I could talk freely about what I am thinking, in fact, knowing about him. Thank u again 😉

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    • I hope you’re doing well, Erun. Sorry it took me so long to respond. 🙂

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  34. Exactly. I read this and others on psychopathfree.com when I need to be reminded of the truth.

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  35. I ended a relationship with a sociopath a week ago and it has been hell. The way it ended and the way he treated me in the relationship was awful. I beg and pleaded while we were in the relationship for things to change, called him out on his lies and in the end after I walked away I was blamed for everything. The healing process seems to be taking forever and I keep trying to fin something to read to find comfort in it all, but we were together for years and as much as I don’t understand how anyone can be so cold, distant and just cruel, I know it’s for the best and I just have to wait do time to heal the pain.

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    • Human beings with a conscience, the ability to empathize and the capacity to feel remorse don’t behave that way. It’s ugly and makes no sense to those of us who would never dream of saying such unprovoked things to someone we once claimed to love so much. 🙂

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    • Exactly as I have experienced. EXACTLY. This is so accurate to the description and chain of events, it leaves me speechless. Thank you so much for the clarity.

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    • You’re welcome, Anonymous. I’m sorry you experienced this.

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  36. So, I am currently in a relationship with my 3rd sociopath in a row and am reading blogs like this so I can stop attracting these people!!! I am very well educated and am otherwise happy in life.

    He moved into my house last year and the relationship has been a nightmare since after about the first month. He told me that I’m “too fat for him.” I’m not perfect, ok, but I’m fairly average in that respect. He’s also telling people that he’s going to break up with me because “there’s no intimacy.” Well, duh! Also, my teenager detests him so, no, I’m not going to be intimate with him. Oh and this week he has been all over me. The answer from me always will be no.

    Over the past month, he has talked about having a new job and moving out of state (YAY!). I thought that would be a great non-confrontational way to get him out of my house. He was supposed to move last weekend but didn’t. Granted, it is taking a while to pack and we do have to plan around the weather since he’s driving across the country. I have been trying to keep an even temperament around him but I am very angry. Like most of his type, he lived off of me for a year despite coming here with promises of a job nearby. There was no job then and I doubt there is one now. When he didn’t leave last weekend, I was livid. I am concerned that he will not leave this weekend either. I am normally a calm, rational person but right now I’m ready to pound his face in. That would be a bad idea lol since I’d be the one in jail and he could play the victim.

    Another thing I’m dealing with is my father is dying in the hospital so I’m there every night after work. I can’t keep an eye on what’s going on at home. Also, my teenager (who is an awesome kid) detests him and can’t wait for him to go. All he does all day is bully people online while pretending to look for work and watch cable. He’s taken over my kitchen, hordes old expired food, and has clutter everywhere. I really hate living in my own home.

    What I want to do if he is not gone this weekend is disconnect the cable & his phone and change the password on my router. I am also looking into filing for a 5 day notice to vacate so that the sheriff will evict him. I worry though if that will make him vindictive and harm me professionally. Any ideas?

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    • Tracy,
      If you suddenly tried to push him out, the situation may get uglier/worse. Is it possible to hold out, be patient a bit longer and behave as if his presence or absence are of little consequence to your happiness? There is a theory known as Grey Rock. Have you heard of this? Many of us used the approach without realizing it in order to end the toxic relationship. It’s when we behave in such a boring and non-responsive or engaging way that the narc/sociopath runs from us!! They can’t get away fast enough. We’re so boring and they aren’t getting the emotional reaction from us that they crave. I fear taking action like you describe could energize him and make him feel empowered, like he’s the one controlling your reactions and emotions.

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    • Hi Paula, that’s what I was thinking as well. I don’t want to give him any more power over the situation. I could say I don’t have the money to pay the cable bill – sorry lol the well is dry!

      I have become the most boring, non emotional person on the planet lately around him. I am hoping this is the last weekend that he’s here.

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  37. My X girl friend had all the traits. We started out as friends.Then she started
    to tell me that she loved me.Then she
    came up with stories of playing the victim
    of her X husband and present roomate. Then she asked if we could move in together! ! Physical affection followed with
    false promises of love forever. She even had the odasity to meet my family. One week later I cought her spending the night with her X husband. Devastating for me.
    We communicated for six months after. Her story never changed. I left the door open for her to walk through for a better life. She is on to her next guy for attention. sympathy, free meals,drinks,etc. I am looking for a good woman for a healthy long term relationship. My X girl friend will never leave her dark pit she built for her self. So sad.I did fall in love with her.She was a the homecoming queen, and has a
    fun personality. That part I will miss.

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    • Dan, I am truly sorry you are hurting but so glad she can’t hurt you further. And there are many, many women out here who were never crowned homecoming queen but prove to be even more beautiful and a lot more caring. 🙂

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  38. I just got out of a 15 month relationship with a sociopath. I am one messed up woman. The pain and sadness and hurt is indescribable. I have believed and known he was a soc, but like most victims… thought I could somehow change him with my love. I hung in there for so very very long. even while seeing all the signs of lying, cheating, manipulation, un-loving, lack of empathy, no guilt, no remorse, no compassion, blame, guilting me etc etc….. I STILL fought for him. I still loved him and believed in him. Each time I went back, and thought it would be different….it wasn’t. I just fell deeper. It will take me awhile to heal from this, and I am still weak. The mental, emotional and verbal abuse will haunt me for a long time….but I know in time, I will be ok. It makes me very sad to have cared and loved someone so sick. I tried so hard to get through to them, and show my love, compassion and kindness….I did everything I could. The coldness at the end is hard to accept….as I believed all he said for so long…. UGH !, … I will take one day at a time…. but he couldn’t have done this to a nicer girl……

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    • Georgina, it hurt to read your words, because I can feel the pain in them. I also knew my ex, the boy in my story, was damaged in some way to be able to repeatedly treat good people with such carelessness and contempt. I did not consider, while in the relationship, that he was pathological. We all hold out hope that the person we care about and love will eventually “get it” and learn they won’t keep people in their lives if they continue to behave so badly. It seems like a no brainier, doesn’t it? But we failed to realize we were dealing with a person who lacked the necessary conscience and introspection to make a change in his attitude and outlook. They can’t change and any perceived change is short-loved because it’s not built on anything solid and long-lasting. It’s a facade, another counterfeit persona. You will eventually crawl back into the full warm and glow of the light he sucked out of you. You will, because you are aware and accepting and you are capable of real change and learning from lessons you had no choice but to survive. 🙂

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  39. I moved really fast in my relationship and planned a baby and he left me for someone else at 4 months pregnant. he told me he loves her and wants to marry her. I didn’t know till now reading and doing a bunch of research in sociopaths. and it all makes sense now. and it saddens me that he thinks his new girl it’s mute important then his son on the way. and she has no care that he abandoned us.

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    • He’s convinced her not to care through his lies and projections. I’m truly sorry you are going through this. There are many, many out here who do care. If he chooses to abandon you and his child, consider that a gift. You both deserve a life free of his control and manipulations.

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    • “If he chooses to abandon you and his child, consider that a gift. You both deserve a life free of his control and manipulations.” I agree with Paula! I wish my child & I were free.

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  40. I want to commit suicide! It hurts! Mine left me for another woman! The last thing he said to me was ” I’m not the love of your life and never will be”. Then he called me and said ” I don’t want to see or hear you again”.💔

    Sigh after 4 years of being together he just discarded me 😢 like I was nothing! I should have known from the beginning that he was fake when he wanted to marry after just 2 weeks of speaking.

    It’s been 6 months since he discarded me and I’m still in tremendous pain that I can’t even comprehend! I want to die 😞 he emotionally abused me n now I have no self esteem or self confidence! He would sit there in my face and say that this woman is very beautiful and that he would f*** her n one time even called me ugly 😓 I just want to rot and die because all I ever gave him was love and care 😞

    I didn’t understand why he was doing this to me until one day he came from the doctors and he said he was diagnosed with psychopathy! He said like he was diagnosed with a cold! My heart and soul died! my body was empty and I just wanted the ground to open n suck me into hell. I couldn’t breathe properly. It all made sense! I’m the only one he’s ever told about his disorder! I’m the only one he’s ever been with 4 years long! The longest before me was 1 year! but yet he treated me like I was a demon! when I loved him soo much! He’s even told that he’s never met anyone that’s loved him soo much like I did but yet he treated me the worst! He even used to heartlessly talk about his past relationships about who he had sex with n stuff like that! I wanted to die! I’ve never wanted to die soo much in my life!

    I still feel very affected n now I have to go therapy! I thought I could do this on my own but it’s too much for me 😞

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    • Please find a counselor or trusted clergy to talk to, Karen. Please. The answers to why he treats you the worst are in your comment: you loved him the most!! He could manipulate you and hurt you the most, as a result. I am so sorry you are feeling such intense pain. The ache is surely all-encompassing. But you’re worth more. You’re worth real love and care.

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    • that statment is so sad the people who have or still do love a sociopath have a understanding that is hard learned for sure

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    • hey karen

      I hope you’re doing ok now…mine did the same and came back to me only to try to fool me again…

      don’t believe anything he says…when he told you that you were the only long term gf he ever had is probably a lie. everything they say is a lie.

      please stay strong and I promise things will get better for you because they have for me and believe me, you will eventually come to this place when you will see the “real” him and be glad that he’s not worth being in your life.

      sociopaths are losers Karen.

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  41. Its hard to read things like this for me because I am with one right now. I even have a young daughter with him, its so hard because I want her to have her father in her life. 😦

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    • I’m so sorry, Keria. Every child deserves to be loved and to feel safe, especially with their parents. There are no easy answers when a child’s happiness and future understanding of love and devotion are at stake.

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    • keria, I think its better to not have a father than to have a monster father like a sociopath. she is lucky to have a mother like you.

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  42. I am a little behind on my reading lol this was a great post Paula, as always.
    I used to think they did the smear campaign out of vengeance but lately I think its because he wants anything of value and if he is done with you he has to make sure you have no value. The last thing he wants to hear is “boy you sure passed up an amazing woman”. He has to have the best and two or three or four of the best.
    You are right though, the way he absolutely discounts anything you ever did good, any trait that you possess the is good is totally forgotten; drove me insane at first. I was one of those pitiful women begging him. I cringe now; oh how I wish I could take it all back now. Even when I was doing it; in my rational mind I was telling myself “don’t do this Carrie” but I was so distraught.
    I am still amazed at their ability to be cold heartless bastards they aren’t human. Can’t be.

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    • As I am reading your reply, I finally got IT, THIS is why I am punished still. I simply walked away, no begging or crying, “don’t leave, I want you back”. Even to this day 7 years later, I walk away. He wants the kids because he doesn’t want to pay me CS, the kids want to go. I say I love you, (not aloud), I pray while your in your NS fathers care. To him, I say I don’t need your $ to sustain myself, it was just for the kids, (because I am on disability and he makes significantly more than me and his “current “The One”” resides with him). I never entertained the thought he wanted to “display” me as “used goods”. HA, good luck, the web of lies he has himself tangled in (I can only hope) will eventually choke him. Thank you for the eye opener, I understand where the anger is truly coming from now, the inability to control and posses, so silly.

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    • Devaluing is such an easy exercise for the sociopath to practice. It requires no energy…just hate…which comes naturally to them. And everything they spew at us is a reflection of what they are and how they really see themselves and the world around them. It’s quite sad when we get deep into thinking about the implications f having no conscience or empathy for others. Such a very sad existence! And you were never pitiful!! You were seeking answers from a monster who isn’t capable of providing anything beyond hate. How could we have known that this type of creature exists in human form? It’s what horror stories are built upon. We could write some really “good” horror stories, huh? 🙂

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    • “Horror” isn’t even the right word for it, I usually use, DEMONIC. In my situation, I was happy to be rid of “Our PRETEND marriage” I just didn’t realize at the time, it was fake on his end. I just knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore. So his discard of me was not great loss for me. Not my fault he didn’t get the reaction he wanted. Lol. Over the years he has had the AUDACITY, to ask for sex, (hahaha) which I have said no, (not as nicely, as stated here), I am sure rejection has turned the hatred knob up. I thought it was all over $ and control over the children, but it was the inability to control me, (so pathetic). Going back to, the “I hate you, B! Now I’ll destroy you, campaign”. Honestly, I really feel nothing, occasionally sadness or hurt, the kids think he’s “Dad of the Year” he manipulated them to lie in mediation. Somehow he orchestrated protected services and local police to investigate ME for abuse, (this was in the last 10 days), ya really! Which I have been cleared of wrongful doing, as if! I am currently instructing my attorneys (yes, plural) to draw up papers giving him primary custody. I have to laugh still, in the 13 almost 14 years we have known each other, does he not realize I am NOT the kind of women you can posses or control. I will walk away from you first. You can’t mind f*ck me. I am still laughing. Seriously. If this is about controlling and possessing me, let me just give you everything your black demonic heart desires! 😎! Thank you – Carrie 💋💋 I wouldn’t have “GOT IT” with out your post. It makes sense – but wow.

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    • Hi NIBSIH 🙂

      They are demonic & so is their need to possess & control & they will use everyone & anyone against you so, no surprise that he uses your children 😦
      My Soc has adult children that are under his full control & he has his son (Late 20’s) sabotage any new relationship for his ex-wife so, that she cannot move on. Don’t let that happen to you as it is part of the game, ‘if I can’t have you, no-one else will’!!
      It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want you but, he doesn’t want anyone else too either!
      You keep going & staying in you own power & truth, we understand & ‘get you’ so, you are not alone 🙂
      Love & Light,
      PR xoxo

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    • Hello, PR!!
      (I have to use these three stupid words) “I didn’t think” he cared enough to control or posses me, I thought being mean to me was a bonus, it was about the $. Not making me look bad because I am not “in the harem”, so to speak. So I wonder what’s going to happen when he gets what he alleges he wants? His kids, his money. Still unable to control me. Sigh. My world will still turn. I wonder what lie will surface next? Maybe I will become pregnant, the father is from Mars? 😊! It’s always wonderful to hear from you. Xoxo.

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    • Hi NIBSIH 🙂

      Remember they see you as a possession & they hate it when they are no longer able to control & manipulate you. They especially hate it when you are onto them & see them for the evil doers they are 😦
      If they have a conduit to you, they use it & abuse it & unfortunately the children are his pawns 😦
      My Soc has made sure his ex stays under his control & even told me he had his grown children sabotage a relationship she had so, bear this in mind & do not let him stop you having a good life & meeting a more worthy person. He will go via the children & you may be pushed to making choices between your children & a relationship. Play the game carefully & don’t let yourself be undermined, you have the insight so, you will see it coming & beware of him manipulating via your kids.
      He has no idea you are learning from your supporters here so, you are a step ahead as forewarned is forearmed 🙂
      Good Luck & you deserve happiness so, be wiser & stronger & you will win 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

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    • I think that thee very best thing to do after a SOC relationship ends and you’re getting into a new relationship with a NORM… is to TELL the new guy what the old guy’s all about. And be kind, calm, and gentle whilst telling it. Otherwise, they’re crazy imprint on ourselves will still be visible and it’ll mask us into looking like WE are the crazy-ones. Be careful in that process too, but most NORM’s have a pretty good head on their shoulders and will truly understand that it’s not easy what you’ve gone through, and that they need to be as honest and clear as possible for you two to work out. 🙂

      Thanks SO much for posting this. I’ve read several different posts about it, and this one is short enough and simple enough to share with friends whom are also going through this. Friends who would otherwise keep believing their SOC’s lies.

      Bless you ALL!! I’m feel’n you all, and I’m here to say “I Know… I’ve been there… I care!”

      You’re ALL worth SO MUCH MORE than what you’ve gone through.

      Every time you doubt that, think of me. Think of the girl with cancer and amnesia that refuses to die. Think of me instead of you. Think of how I too, made it out sane, safe, and alive. I chose to stop accepting the BS and started filling my life with healthy and positive people who SUPPORT me when attacked. They support my sanity and my recovery. They know it’s rough, but we MUST move onward. 🙂 You can do it! Get into a support group, surround yourself with Good Friends who will help protect you. The ONLY way the SOC can “win” is if you’re not honest with others about the insanity that you’re going through. Nobody can help if they don’t know it’s needed. 😉

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    • Hey carrie,

      Your comment is very nicely put. When you say the good traits are totally forgotten, it really hits the nerve.

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    • I was a confident, enthusiastic, professional, trustworthy, loyal (my downfall) and loving woman when I met my now ex husband several years ago. A police chief – I naively trusted everything one might expect that title to embody. I was reduced to begging, literally a few times on my knees, pleading with him to care about my well-being. He was heartless and cruel and, though I intellectually knew it wasn’t me, he still made my head spin in confusion and doubt. Finally our marriage counselor suggested he may have a personality disorder. I divorced due to his mental health issues – only afterwards checking into a past that involved serial cheating, unethical and illegal activity, and mostly deceptive and manipulative (just evil) behavior towards others.

      Given his position and others coming forward (cops, due to an upcoming Sheriffs election – get this! After he was let go from his last two positions as Chief, one for totaling his police vehicle intoxicated while on duty with gun and badge, a mentally unstable Sheriff hired him as Deputy of Adult Corrections over 700 inmates – dangerous!) I am being proactive about exposure. I’m not afraid of him any longer – he’s actually paranoid about being ‘found out’ yet brazenly continues these anti-social antics. I think it does matter, these people should be exposed as much as possible – their only power is usually in the fear they create.

      Thought I would chime in about the begging part – I never behaved like that in my life. He emotionally tortured me and got off on it until I realized what was going on after about 2 years of marriage. What an awful and life-changing experience – I used to believe everyone was good at their core. No longer.

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    • Anonymous, thank you for sharing your experience with us. Wow! There are a lot of police chiefs out there abusing their wives, GFs, and lovers. I wish I could say you were the first to share. It is imperative that we not be fearful to share the truth with the world. We see people like Jerry Sandusky and Roy Horn and Jimmy Saville being outed as of late. The world is opening up to accepting and believing that they were duped. No one likes being manipulated, especially by people in power who benefited financially from our naïveté.

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  43. Everything here is so dead on. I could not put my finger on what my relationship was and he could never tell me and now I know why. He drove 4 hrs one way from NY to PA to visit me for over a year, once he sucked me in he dropped me like I don’t know what. He has 2 others on the hook I find out, I was getting old and he was moving onto a newer younger prey. Makes sense he didn’t know what love was, but he wanted to remain friends. Well, I have been 18 days NC and it’s staying that way. I am sure from what he left me to believe he will be in touch but guess what I’m not responding to his dumbass! Very sad that people like this hurt good people like all of us with their dishonesty, secrets, lies, deceitfulness, deception, cowardness but yet tell us we are crazy. As I always told him behind every crazy woman some man made her that way..,no response…ha ha, now I know why! His loss and my gain! He liked my life because it was simple but I was too smart and nosey and I was catching onto his ways, I’m very intoned to people I just didn’t want to admit to myself he really was a looser or he would have been gone a long time ago!!

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    • So glad you figured him out before getting sucked in again. I am all for burning bridges with these fools. Once the bridge is burned, we never need to worry about them trying to worm their way back into our lives like they do repeatedly with those they leave dangling and hanging. I’m not bait or a catch and refuse to be labeled as such. These fools need to know we think they’re fools. They need to know that we are unaffected by their loosely-based “crazy” analysis of us and that we are the smarter ones. Namaste!

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    • Thanks Paula. Plus he is a cop for the NYPD and is ready to retire so he really is high on himself. I am pretty sure he will be in contact again I bought his lies the first time but this last time is a total different story. I don’t need a man to make my world go around and he knew that and rubbed it under my nose all the time. He thought he could break me and break my spirit, but I’m a strong individual who is determined to survive and I will not allow anyone to bring me down especially some useless man who enjoys detroying others harmony. Ladies, you have to dig your heals in and show these men who the woman is because if not they walk on you and destroy every ounce of goodness you have and to me no man is worth that. I would prefer to die alone and happy then w/ some creep who doesn’t appreciate me. Have a great day!

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  44. […] The End of the Relationship with a Sociopath: Where is the Sense in It? (paularenee.wordpress.com) […]

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  45. […] The End of the Relationship with a Sociopath: Where is the Sense in It? (paularenee.wordpress.com) […]

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  46. I was the first to put all the pieces of the puzzle together on my sociopath husband. And when I did, boy, oh, boy, was there hell to pay.

    It started when he was in junior high, forging letters to the school. He was caught and removed from the private school he attended in New Orleans. But that didn’t dissuade him. He continued on and in college, he was suspended for writing a precursor to the keylogger program (circa mid ’80s) that stole the passwords of other students in the computer lab. It was suggested that he not pursue a degree in computer programming, so he carted his skills of deception into the legal field, where he now resides as the general counsel of a major international manufacturing concern.

    During our brief marriage — his second…seems the first wife was crazy, too — I caught him in lie after lie — from his financial problems, to his “imaginary” friends, to his desire to have more children. The persona he revealed was in stark contrast to the man I dated, the one who always hiked on the moral high ground, was an attentive father and a doting boyfriend. Well, 27 months of marriage later, he had lost count of how many prostitutes he had slept with, had created so much debt burden for me that I was working around the clock, deprived me of motherhood, and destroyed my self-esteem. But that didn’t stop him from emailing me a “mea culpa” faked legal brief begging my forgiveness, admitting his wrongs, and leading me to believe that it was filed in court.

    When I bought the faked pleading hook, line and sinker, I stupidly let him back into my home. Then the physical abuse commenced. Beatings, verbal abuse, text abuse, rapes. I finally changed the locks and cut off all communication.

    Four-and-a-half years of divorce proceedings later, my life now in shambles, the court proceedings are concluding. I nearly lost my home-now rented out by a family. I lost my career. And I live in my start-up company’s office. All the while, he goes on to prosper in the legal field. At least I know he’s in good company.

    May God NOT have mercy on his soul.

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  47. The part “I don’t love you and never really loved you, the way you wanted me to love you” WHAT THE HELL? My ex told me that line of crap, and I calmly told him, “Well it took you almost 8 years of being with me, almost 7 of them married years, two babies together for you to figure you don’t love me anymore? Wow! Come to find out he was never faithful, during our entire relationship. The part I wish I believed more of “none of us need him in our lives”. I didn’t die when he left! (I am sure he wishes I would, too bad). In fact I am so grateful he left me, biggest favor ever. (We rarely speak face to face, I did thank him, for leaving me, Monday, In court 😎, HA!). I have more inner strength than I knew I had or he could even fathom. (Sorry, your Rico Suave, stopped working when you told me you never loved me, idiot). Also I sure as hell would never think of people as tissues, single use only, then dispose. Maybe my point is, dont let someones heartless and cruelty, be your demise, make it be your reason to rise above it. I also want to thank you all, your stories, help me everyday. Especially when I have no one to talk to. Thank you.

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    • Nice analogy…tissues! But it’s what they do, because they are doo-doo! Hehe!

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    • Yep after mine got caught he said “I never said I loved you”, to which I replied,
      “Yeah, you did but, Dah!!! it’s pretty obvious you don’t judging by what you’ve been up too! Nice after 10 years 😦
      Still I am glad he’s gone & I am just pissed off that I wasted so long on him!
      I seemed to always be stuck in the gaming faze for 10 years & had he not been revealed by the OW I probably still would be??? Weird cause I sort of missed the ruining & went straight to discard! I prefer to think of it as my “get out of goal/jail free card 🙂

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  48. Sadly so true. You give some clarity as to why closure has been especially hard, if not impossible, after his devaluing ‘disposal’. Thanks for this post.

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  49. You are so right again 🙂
    It’s hard to reconcile in your head the person & their calculated actions against you.
    It’s hard to believe that this type of person exists.
    It’s hard to accept that you now have firsthand knowledge that they do 😦
    Whilst these revelations lead to answers it still does your head in because you have to face the fact that your head has been played with,sometimes for years!
    You have been unconsciously assaulted daily by a deliberate attack by someone you care or cared for. They have no conscience!
    All their depravity,cruelty,selfishness,disloyalty & creepiness is mind blowing so,it’s little wonder we end up confused, anxious & depressed even suicidal!
    You look at normal relationships & pine for one. You get so deluded.
    You tell friends & family your story & they cannot fathom how you have accepted such terrible behavior or, how much conniving & manipulation has taken place in your life. It’s even harder when the followers & enablers have been so obstructive as was in my case 😦
    No wonder we end up very fragile, it really is very damaging.
    They are hollow through & through!
    I am choosing to survive this & I know I will, eventually 🙂
    Good luck & strength to all who have had to endure a Narc/Sociopath.
    xoxo

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  50. I got mine out of my house and then initiated divorce proceedings – he was going to make the lives of my friends and family hell so I offered him money to settle, which he promptly did. I mortgaged my house to the hilt but he left everyone in my life alone and I got a very quick divorce – it took three months – on the grounds of cruelty, which he admitted to easily because he just couldn’t resist the thought of a lump sum settlement. He was in a great deal of debt and was always over-spending. He subsequently sent me some very nasty e-mails which included death threats, but once I got the police involved he stopped.

    Two years later, I am still paying off what he cost me financially, but the freedom I have achieved and the protection of my family and friends were well worth it. He still sends sporadic e-mails where he tries to entice me back but I don’t answer them. I now have a healthy, loving relationship with a great man. It’s a difficult thing to do but cutting these people out of our lives is the only way that we can be okay again. In my case I had a great counsellor and some very supportive people – they were absolutely fantastic!

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  51. OMG! After I left with my girls that highly anticipated, miserable, yet liberating day, thinking it was a temporary separation that our marriage needed for everyone’s account, upon the police escort when I went back to go pick up our things, we met him on “HIS” front porch. The first thing that my ex narc soci literally said to me ,and I quote, “You mean to tell me I wasted all of those years on YOU! Ha! Just look at YOU! You are NOT even worth it! Now look what I have to show for it! Nothing! Wasted time is all you are! You AND your sorry ass kids! This is fine because what YOU are doing is irreversible and YOU will be sorry! Get ALL of your junk! I don’t even want your smell in MY house!” Deep down I knew at that moment that this move was not temporary, and I thought to myself, how could he say those things, and feel that way, and state it so hatefully to me much less in front of someone…Those were the last words we had face to face. I haven’t seen him since that day.
    I was so mortified and just simply devastated, I just cried and sobbed like a baby. The officer told him to step aside and allow me to enter or else. He did without confrontation, but his cold hateful and soul-less eyes followed me with every step I took. And to think I had contemplated on NOT taking the police escort…WHAT!!!!! What an irresponsible and stupid thought that I am glad someone talked some sense into me before I left. I was served with divorce papers 7 days later and I was so unprepared for the grieving process and total feeling of devastation and emptiness that my soul had, and the darkest pit of heartless isolation that I was to be thrown in with emotion.
    Needless to say, when you say the grieving process equates to death for these type of relationship endings, well it is so true. I could not get over how cruel, hateful, senseless, and absolutely COLD he was when he said those words to my face. Sometimes I still can’t! But you are right, THEY can’t help it!!! BASTARDS from HELL!!!
    Our divorce took almost 10 horrible months. On the divorce signing day, he did not show up. When his lawyer called him with us sitting there, he said he had forgotten about it being that day and he didn’t have time to come our way because it was a waste of his gas and he “did not want to see a useless whore like her anyways”. I signed and left the papers. Even though the divorce finalized, I would still think back to the “person” that I married and would miss “him” terribly. It has been so hard and tough, but all of you reading this KNOW that too.
    Thanks to this blog and a LOT of other healing outlets, it helps to further drive home the fact that the “person” that I married was never in existence!
    Paula, please, NEVER stop this crusade of sorts, because it is a definite win over all of those idiots that will never get it! And ladies, ALWAYS take a police escort regardless of whatever the circumstances! Sorry this comment became an epistle….:)

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    • Nelly, I am so glad you got the escort. I wasn’t married to the sociopath, so I took my sister with me when I returned with a Uhaul to get my things. My stuff was on his patio. I have no idea if everything had been removed from inside, and he never came out of the house to say hello, fuck you or good riddance. The prick watched from inside of his house as my sister and I loaded everything by ourselves. Among the things left on the patio were actual gifts I had given to him. (I guess he didn’t want my smell in his house either!!) I took the gifts and smashed them in the trash can left on the patio. I was like, “I’m not a garbage can, asshole.” When we drove off, he immediately texted me and ask me if I was going to take the mattress. I told him to burn it! Hehe! This was the beginning of several more months of him revealing his true self to me. Just disgusting and vile.

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  52. “we we’re desperate to be treated like humans”

    That struck home.

    Also by the time the final discard takes place you somehow have invested all your self worth in this person. The build you up, knock you down cycle makes you feel like only
    When you do as they expect do you have value. So when they leave you feel like a worthless piece of shit. If the new source has not been secured they will play with this mercilessly. Little lines you are dying to hear in amongst the most character destroying conversations you will ever have. It’s the most toxic, ugly, painful experience of my life.

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    • Oh, yes. I am so glad you and I no longer have to listen to or worry about this type of nonsense. I feel the pain of others, however, when they share the horror of what they experienced. I wish it were easy to explain and describe, but if someone hasn’t experienced this kind of inhumane treatment, you just can’t fathom what it is like.

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  53. Your words are so crucial to those of us still struggling. Thanks again, Paula

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