intuition, Paula Carrasquillo, Paula Renee Carrasquillo, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo, psychopath, sociopath, awareness, dating a sociopath, divorcing a narcissist

intuitionSo you aren’t certain if your ex was a sociopath or not. You feel something wasn’t quite right, but you’re not feeling at ease about suggesting your ex could possibly be pathological.

You’re not alone. I struggled with the answer to this question too. Contrary to what some may think, I didn’t leave the relationship and then immediately believe he was a sociopath and start writing about it.

The reality is I thought I was the one with the problem; I believed I was the cause of the wedge driven between us which resulted in the relationship’s ultimate deterioration.

Even after months of counseling and study and learning that my normal mental state was simply put off balance by some outside influence,  I continued to struggle with the idea that he was that outside force.

When the thought crossed my mind that he was the major problem, I feared I was being over-reactive and thinking upon events and experiences out of proportion.

It wasn’t until I received validation through his “friends” and a few of his exes that I accepted what my gut had been trying to convince me of all along:

My ex was a dark and twisted sociopath!

I now understand that I really didn’t need the validation; I should have listened to my gut all along.

And this is why:

We learn something about ourselves and about humanity in general with every relationship we enter.

We learn to become better communicators. We learn to love with our whole hearts. We learn to be more patient. We learn that everyone comes from different places than us, geographically and mindfully. We learn to respect each other’s differences. We become more and more aware that with the beginning and ending of each relationship, this world is filled with so many different and wonderful people.

We are able to do this by using our keen ability to empathize and consider the other person’s feelings and understandings of the world. By using our empathy and compassion, we guide each other to the next level of connection, to the next level of a relationship beyond the lust and sex.

But sometimes, for a number of reasons, our romantic relationships don’t work. Our mutual dreams for the future change; they aren’t so mutual any more. We grow apart.

When this happens, we must say good-bye, but the love and connection never fades. This person entered our life and affected us, so we keep that person and the memories of that person tucked away in a private place in our heart. Life goes on. We meet and fall in love with someone new, and the cycle continues.

(And the people who came before the new love remain close to us in our hearts. Those genuine feelings of connection to another person never go away.)

But when we enter into a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, the normal dimensions and expectations of relationship evolution explode!

We learn quickly that this person has either never been in a healthy relationship or doesn’t understand how healthy relationships are supposed to work. From being love bombed and put on a pedestal one day to being thrown under the bus the next.

THAT IS NOT NORMAL!

Healthy people with a healthy conscience and the ability to empathize DO NOT hurt the ones they love that way. They don’t demean and threaten loved ones. EVER!

Even if you aren’t able to label a person, your ex-spouse or ex-partner, as a sociopath or narcissist or you have trouble believing they might be pathological, ask yourself the following:

  • “Did the relationship leave me questioning my faith and beliefs in myself and humanity?”
  • “Did I, at any time, start believing that I somehow deserved to be abused, treated disrespectfully and then discarded?”
  • “Do I or did I absolutely hate and despise this person for what he did to me? Was this hatred all-consuming unlike any hate or dislike I have ever felt for anyone before this person?”

If you answer “yes” to these basic questions, you were in a toxic relationship with a toxic person who was making you think toxic thoughts, and there really is no hope for the relationship to move forward because it was never built on love, trust or any mutual understanding of what life and relationships are meant to be.

Why?

Because the other half of the relationship was pathological, a.k.a. TOXIC!

You know in your heart that you deserve better. Tend to your needs and embrace those in your life who have shown you real love and support and ask for nothing, absolutely NOTHING, in return.

Namaste!
~ Paula

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/496521927638093506/)

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Health, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 12 Comments

  1. […] This blog post really exemplifies 3 questions that can help you feel better and know truly that your ex was indeed toxic. […]

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  2. At first I really thought it was basic relationship problems and maybe he was just a little insecure and that if I kept trying to show him how much I loved him and cared then things would work out. I tried so hard! Begged, cried, got angry, completely supported him…you name it…all to prove my love. I could never satisfy him. It was a roller coaster ride. Towards the end I sought out counseling and now I see what a fog I was in. I had to keep asking the counselor, “is this abuse?” I really had no clue. I just could never figure out why we couldn’t communicate; why all I did was never good enough. Now I think I am just starting to discover and really having a hard time accepting, that MAYBE he is a sociopath. I still question what his problem is. We broke up in July, 2014. He STILL is on my case ALL THE TIME! We have a 2 1/2 year old son and I let him see him a lot. He always APPEARED to be a good father even though my brother is emphatic that he doesn’t care about our son! My brother says he always had to act “over the top” when caring for our son, like he didn’t know what normal was. Interesting.
    Now, he is never satisfied in the time he gets to see our son. We were not married, no court order, but I agreed to every other weekend and during the week when possible. My ex always complains about not getting to see him enough, but NEVER arranges any time during the week and then brings him home early on the weekends! But it is still my fault! The threats…or “promises” as he calls them have truly scared me. I just got my handgun permit. I really don’t know what to do. I guess it is stupid to question what he is…but it helps me to try to understand when I have NEVER been able to figure out why we just cant be happy and get along!
    Oh, I also think back to our first 2 years of “dating”…or at least that is what I thought it was. He was living many lives with different women…used me for my money, lied to my face and I always fell for his lies and charm. When I ended it, he spent 6 months convincing me that he was truly and love and was ready to commit to me. Well, I fell for it. What I finally wanted …so we moved in together for 3 years. Never in my life have I experienced such subtle psychological abuse with a fear instilled that violence was lurking under the surface. Luckily I kept a journal and realized the same crap that happened 2 years ago was still happening. It was a total mind @#$@# and I still cant believe it. What he says….”But I never yelled at you, I never called you names” What he did to me has made me never want to trust a man again. Everything I thought about love overcoming has been destroyed. I am so hurt…yet all he still does is accuse me of messing around! Unreal. Just don’t know where to go from here but I have to do something about our son and making visitation through the courts. I just am having a difficult time STILL riding this roller coaster ride with this man.

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    • People who love us also trust us. Real love isn’t jealous, controling, demanding or violent. Remember that as you ride the roller coaster. It may allow you to detach with more certainty. I am so sorry you are struggling. Your journals must be read and reread LJ. Please. Your intuition and subconscious was trying to tell you something was amiss and that this man doesn’t deserve your emotions, care or sympathy. You deserve you.

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  3. I now realize I was involved with a sociopath. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He choked me, hit me and pulled my hair. I realized he took.money from me too. I have him money when he had none and he never returned it. He tried to rush our relationship to marriage and I didn’t allow it because I was scared of him and caught on to his narcissistic behavior. He cheated on me and after few months married her. Sadly, he has cheated on her and scams other women for money by charming them and selling them items he never mails to them after he receives the money. Once confronted, he denys it.

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    • Sounds like my ex. He abused me for years and threatened me on front of our children on Mother’s Day. I was relieved when he got married. Other women that he cheated on me with contacted me and mentioned he was abusive to them also. I shouldn’t have warned his new bride because they both spread rumors to my ex in laws about me saying I’m crazy. I decided that I’m keeping my children far from his family because I think they’re all the same, they all have issues and they all aren’t well. They might think I’m using my kids to hurt them, they can think that all they want, I love my children and don’t want their beautiful light in their hearts to become dim from seeing and being apart of a family as dysfunctional as theirs. I believe in having faith and not wishing bad on anyone…. they might not agree with my decision, but I’m the one raising the children. They need to raise their own right so that there is no need to blame.

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  4. Can a sociopath change on their own with realization and the right partner or do they slip back? I also read it can be triggered by trauma. Can they snap out again?

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    • The only type of trauma a sociopath experiences is when people start saying “no” to them in refusal to be controlled. Losing power instigates the sociopath’s rage. Victims of sociopaths suffer trauma as a result if this rage due to the ambush of the rage and the confusion it instigates. Sociopaths don’t change. They just choose more and more compliant targets. But even meek people can only be controlled for so long.

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  5. I believe I was a narcissist..I treated my ex girlfriend badly due to my insecurities..I didn’t realise it at the time..I let her down I abused her emotionally.only after she dumped me that I realised all of this..at the time I took her for granted..I agree that this is not love..after that I fell into depression I hated myself and tried to get all the help I could..I hope that she is happy now..I hope she is having a peaceful life..I wish her all the good things in life..I wish I could get punished for everything I have done..guys who act like this are weak and paranoid..women have to leave straight away if they are at the hands of a sociopath

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    • No you no need to be punished. Just the realization would do.
      And yes, women should leave straight away because someone is sociopath. If not, than they will get drained.

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  6. great post! something that I’ve learned, that you express here, are…
    we, in a difficult relationship, tend to doubt ourselves, never them and we don’t listen to our ‘gut’ because of our own fears, we stay in the difficult place LOOKING for validation that we know we don’t need. It is never an easy thing to leave a relationship…so many factors…but listening to our gut, or soul, will give us the strengths to do what needs to be done.

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  7. Once again you are so right Paula. Even though I had read about Narcisism and could see JC had almost all the traits of a Narcissist he could switch back and forth so expertly between being cold and evil to sweet loving and the guy I met, I would doubt myself and my gut instincts.
    Always off balance, I would decide I was going to leave and he would turn on the charm, tearfully professing his love I would believe he had feelings and had “seen the light”. I couldn’t believe he didn’t care, I believed I was special, that our love was special because he couldn’t stay away.
    I could always come up with some excuse for his behaviour. It took me almost 10 years to really believe he wasn’t capable of love or honesty. We were split at least 6 months before I really saw how evil and manipulative he was and how coldly he viewed the women he sucked in.
    When I recently found money I had invested my first thought was thank God I didn’t know I had it while I was with JC because he would have badgered me until I gave it to him. Then it dawned on me that instead of being badgered into giving him the money, in a healthy relationship he wouldn’t badger me and if he did I would kick him to the curb not hand it over.
    But he would have made me feel selfish, I would have given in to keep the peace.

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    • Very interesting chat. Carrie what you said sounded like my 16 year life with him. He was sooo charming and still is to his new wife. He had my money without marriage so he avoided it but always promised and wanted it. I fell for everything then got bitter before I got out. It was a bad relationship all around. I’m so glad he’s behind me now. And that I never had children with him. I am now battling health issues but I also realized through therapy etc… that my body couldn’t have healed until I left so it sat silent until it was ready it smacked me in face now I’m getting healthy in body as well. There is a great life beyond a sociopath relationship. I had one that I know for sure. What he does now, I don’t even care and he lives in my small community I never see him and like it that way. My life is great even sick. 🙂 I hope others get out and have happy lives. The fight is worth it. Thanks for the chat all

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