good personCall me naive, but before the sociopath, I never experienced someone yelling the following at me:

“I’m a good person!! I am a good person!”

The first time he screamed this at me, I thought to myself, “Well, I never said he wasn’t a good person. Why does he think that I think otherwise?”

My theory is that in the sociopath’s quiet desperation to be like us (you know, the good people), he recognizes that he can never be like us. And because he sees that he can’t be like us, he suspects we see it, too.

But we don’t see it. We keep thinking that he is good and behaves as he does because he suffered in his life, either at the hands of abusive parents or the hands of some other care giver.

If you keep thinking this and if you keep thinking the sociopath can get better and be “fixed,” you’re wasting your life’s potential on someone who will do nothing but bring you pain and suffering.

It’s tough to accept. After all, you think you saw a glimmer of good in him, right?

No one who purposely abuses children just to feel superior is good. No one who threatens a pregnant mother by telling her he is going to take away her baby before she can have a chance to hold it is good.

To hell with these people! And to hell with their families who keep enabling and protecting their lies.

You do not have to think every person on the planet is good. There is evil among us, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner real change can happen.

By giving them excuses, public or private, you allow them to thrive.

Remember, they need us. We do not need them.

And they’ll be just fine without you in their life. They aren’t going to spontaneously combust or kill themselves. Those are lies, too.

Shit, it’s been over two years since I left the boy in my story, and he still hasn’t acted on his threat to commit suicide if I left him. I knew he wouldn’t. Damn! I knew he couldn’t!

So the next time the sociopath in your life screams at you that he’s good, say, “Yes, but I’m better.”

Because you are.

Namaste!
~Paula

(image source:ย http://pinterest.com/pin/144607838004727316/)

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Health, Lessons, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
Tags:
,

Join the conversation! 42 Comments

  1. Oh yes….sounds very familiar. The N I am with just uses different words: “I am a sweetheart, an angel and a hell of a nice guy.” At first I laugjed when he would say that. Then I realized after knowing him for two yeard that he is DEAD SERIOUS…he actually believes that about himself! I found a dating site he joined on the computer, and his profile lists SO MANY lies. The first word he listed under “describe your good qualities” was “honest”. I just about choked. The next one was “loyal”. Those are two things he is NOT!! He even has told me (jokingly, but it is actually true!) that everything he says is BASED ON THE TRUTH. Wow…seriously??? In his dealings with other people that I have witnessed, it floors me how he lies. Just an example: he would see no problem saying to me, “I am going to the store to pick up a few things”…the part he leaves out is that he is also meeting someone there. Or telling a female friend of his (who he eats dinner with frequently) that he is not hungrywhen she cooks him dinner. Which is true, but only because he made sure to eat before he left the house to go have dinner with her. They lie even for no reason at all! They have no qualms about it because they simply don’t have normal feelings like most of us. They “parrot” most people they interact with to some extent because they don’t know how to be a normal person. If someone they feel has something they envy, they will go get it…or try to. This is in some ways why I think they actually think they are a good person. They try to mimic good people- or at least whay they THINK a good person would be like. I don’t know if any of what I wrote makes sense…????

    Like

    • It makes complete sense! They covet and desire everything they don’t have naturally. And they think just by having good people in their lives, they themselves are good. My ex tries to align himself with very good and trusting people…people who are honest and accountable. He is so delusional, but not really, because their light in proximity to his darkness reflects upon him giving the impression that he IS like his love interest and those in his social circle. A wolf among sheep. But the illusion doesn’t last long. It takes him, on average, three years to drain the light of his love interest, rendering her useless. He’s soon on to his next bright and shiny victim. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  2. Said to me, followed by ‘get the fuck out’ for the 4th time and a threat to take my car, or take me to court to get it despite me owning it. Disgusting human. Desperately trying to move out, taking my son out of it all too, but house buying taking forever…

    Like

    • I understand! It hurts to come to this conclusion that we aligned ourselves and subjected our children to such a vile person. You’ll find that house…you’ll save yourself and your son. Sending good vibes and positive energy to you! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  3. Fuc k f u c k …… It’s taking my breath away. I am right at the point where I have realised – like really realised that I’ve done it again. And that my last two relationships were also with these people. I am feeling faith that it is not my fault but feeling very scared that I will not accept this and that another false truth will prevail. Give me the strength to just end this. I don’t want to give it one more try so badly I don’t. I want to be strong and be out. yet it is the strongest pull the one where I feel I need to give love the chance…. It’s not love. It’s not love.
    Anyway, I am giving to keep reading all these amazing words over and over -thank you x

    Like

    • None of this is easy to accept. Who wants to give up on a person, especially a person you thought loved you and that you loved. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  4. I thought it was bizarre when my husband would accuse me of “thinking badly of him”. This was after he was overtly/explicitly abusing me–screaming in rage, nasty name calling, apologizing down on his knees in a mocking/sarcastic tone, ripping a door apart in rage. When I tried to discuss his behavior with him he’d end up saying something along the lines that I was calling him a bad person. It was baffling; he was being abusive, I was trying to get him to see he needed to get help and I couldn’t understand why he kept saying stuff like that. I wasn’t calling him a bad person, but I was trying to get him to see he was out of control.

    When I was pretty certain he was having an affair, I confronted him one night after he came home at 11pm smelling of soap. He got really angry and actually said I was “maligning his character.” The next day, he told me about the affair.

    He had the ability to just walk away from a 21 year marriage like I was yesterday’s garbage, like there was never a relationship between us at all. I’m starting to realize that there wasn’t a real relationship there and having to reframe 21 years of my life has really shaken me to the core.

    Like

    • I’m so sorry you lived this, Isilzha. Truly I am. I know how it feels to be discounted just for standing up to the crazy-making. I know what it’s like to be tossed in the garbage. It’s mind boggling, it hurts and there is no true answer as to why they do what they do. The only thing we can do is accept it and know we are not and were not the sick and crazy ones. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  5. lol thanks Paula I needed to read this! Reminds me of my ex socio..always screaming I am a good guy in person and on every social network..as well as his family telling him he is…I realized he was a good guy alright..the chucky version!

    Like

    • OMG! I have never watched Chucky, but a friend recently suggested that I should. But then she said maybe I shouldn’t, because the movie left her unable to have stuffed animals or dolls around forever after. Hehe! Kind of like I feel about having sociopaths in my life… ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

    • Vampire movies are the best that depict the Soc, always feeding off the normal people but, sometimes creating more vampires!
      In the vampire movies they sometimes keep the ones they like for supply & eternal life of killing etc….that’s how I see them, creepy crawlies…pity I didn’t have a stake handy!
      ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

      Like

    • Hehe! Emotional Vampire Slayers we are!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  6. I love the damn I knew he couldn’t.. Almost a bit disappointed ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

  7. Your story is too familiar! It’s like I wrote that!

    Like

  8. Is it normal to temporarily act like a sociopath while you’re divorcing one? I remember begging him to stay because “I’m a wonderful person.” and threatening suicide. I don’t know who that person was, but I’m slowly getting my sanity back after over 20 years of marriage and abuse. Now I’m thankful he’s out of my life.

    Like

    • Anonymous, the behavior you describe is very normal. We were in relationships with toxic people who do not behave like anyone we have ever encountered. When the relationship ends, we should expect grief. Grief is normal when a connection and bond to another is ending. BUt with a sociopath, the end of the relationship is on par with death. The grief is intense because there is never a normal closure. There is never the final, mutual conversation where one side says, “I love you but it’s just not working” and the other side says “I love you, too, and know it’s not working.” Instead, what we get from a sociopath is emptiness and lies. If you leave the sociopath, he’ll say, “Thank God I don’t have to endure you any more. I should have realized long ago that I was wasting my energy on you.” If he is the one to leave, he’ll say, “It’s just not working out. I don’t love you and never really loved you the way you wanted me to love you. We would have made each other miserable. Have a great life.”

      In either scenario, you become dead to the sociopath. His memory is wiped clean of you because he was never able to connect with you on a spiritual level. It was only material and it’s easy to toss away things. You were just a “thing” to him, not a person. When you recognize this reality, you may become desperate to make him see how wrong he is. You beg and barter. You get down on your hands and knees and say you’re sorry and would do anything to prove to him that you are worthy of his eternal friendship and love. By doing this, we just end up looking like crazy and desperate fools. They do not care. They love it. These are the moments they share with their so-called friends and family to prove to them they did nothing wrong and all blame is on us, because we weren’t pretty enough or wealthy enough or sober enough. We were just pathetic and NEEDED them.

      I did this. I am guilty of thinking he was a normal and healthy person. I hoped he would never forget me as being a part of his life even though the relationship failed to work. But once I accepted he lacks integrity, respect or care, I was able to discard him, too. Any memories I have are tainted by this acceptance. I no longer have fondness for my past with the sociopath. My memories lack emotion. I only see what I did and where I went. There are no emotions connected to the memories. My life simply went from point A to point B while with him. My life really was on hold during that relationship. No more! And no more for you, either! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  9. I heard this over and over again from my sociopathic gf, on christmas day i was getting texts “im the best gf ever” “im a good person” “i treat you best” this was while i had not been speaking to her for a few days

    Like

  10. My Narc/Soc is high functioning,a commander in the Fire Brigade & his second job a Car Dealer (yep figures,always selling something)…he portrays the hero very well,and when discovered was Sorry…then nothing. I called him a sleazebag on a text & he reported me to the Police….coincidentally from his best friends police station,his friend is a Policeman & one of his loyal followers :0(
    His daughter & other family members cover for him all the time when he needs them too.All of them controlled & manipulated by lies…really bizarre situation to be in.
    After 10 years of his abuse I am now on the road to freedom,hard but,worth it ;0)

    Like

    • Keep rising, Phoenix. These sleaze bags with “power” and connections are the most impossible to battle. Thankfully, my ex only has enough money and connections to hire lawyers who are as dumb as he is. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

    • Thanks Paula,I sent you some of my story so,I hope you got it?
      I had trouble with the server the first time so,you may get it twice?
      I appreciate your feedback & am rising & reclaiming my self. I think I’ve been lost for such a long time that I am recreating my own authentic self finally.
      I am in a good place mentally & physically & fortunately have a lot of fantastic support networks. My Soc is now living with a Dr of Sociology (she lectures worldwide on Human Behavior) & knows he’s a Soc but,is sticking with him? She admitted she was weak & I told her she wasn’t just needed to believe in herself,I really hope she see’s the light before he destroys her? Still they are not my problem but,I do wonder how someone like her helps others when she can’t help herself? Life is funny & bizarre isn’t it ;0)

      Like

    • There will always be those “fixers” who think sociopaths and all who lack empathy, remorse and compassion can somehow be fixed. They can’t be cured because they were born without the ability. They are a different species and studies in neuroscience are beginning to prove this. Unfortunately, even the most educated people refuse to believe what is standing right before their very eyes.

      And I did receive your story. Thank you for sharing all you have shared. As I work on my book and incorporate stories, I’ll be contacting those who gave me approval. XOXO

      Like

  11. The sociopath in my life told me CONSTANTLY that he was a “good person”…..I have spent 9 years with this freak of life and wow…..I am living in my own place now but just recently coming to the TRUTH about him and him being a sociopath….I feel like I am in detox but I am getting stronger everyday. He may have mirrored me but he will NEVER be me. I know that the future is bright and I am grateful that he is finally GONE!

    Like

    • So glad you’re at that stage. I’m not there yet but trying and am waiting for the day when I can stop feeling my heart breaking, stomach turning emptiness from the illusion created by my ex SP, who has now moved onto his next source of supply. Wow was it hard for me to see that. NC from him at all except about $ he owes me. He really did not care at all.

      Like

    • Hi Betrayed & Broken In the Bay,
      Unfortunately the Spath’s don’t care & the more you suffer the greater they feel :0(
      You owe it to yourself & all of us to not let the Spath keep you down.
      Get help from everywhere, Drs, Psychologists, pull in all of your supporters.
      Then then put on your Superwoman Costume, a smile on your face, head up high, shoulders back, make eye contact. Even if you feel like crap & a mess inside, take a leaf out of the spath’s book & fake it!
      Never let your Spath win by beating you down emotionally or physically. We are all on this bizarre journey together & we are going to be stronger than ever on the other side of this trauma.
      Do not close your heart because that will be the Spath’s victory as, they think of us as their possessions & hate the thought of us finding love & happiness with anyone else. Don’t give them the satisfaction!
      What they saw/see in you/us is true & pure, our heart, our ability to feel & be real:0)
      They are illusions, you fall in love with a manifestation which slowly & systematically fades to dark shadows, that ties you too them like a slave.
      Then ‘POOF’ their gone!
      They never really existed anyway, just like make believe & they need to move on as they get bored, not with you but, the oldness of the game.They are driven to the excitement of the next conquest & then the pattern begins all over again on some other poor soul ๐Ÿ˜ฆ & on it goes…..a trail of broken souls.
      But, we have something they can never have, something they take & then try to destroy…our belief in ourselves.
      Your heart is hurt but, it will heal. Nurture yourself well & start believing in yourself.
      It is all done & cannot be undone so, don’t allow yourself to stay stuck.
      You can do this, we all can ;0)

      Be happy ;0)

      Like

    • Right on! What she said. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  12. there is a piece of, a part of a sociopath where he really does think he is superior. We are usually in conflict with them because we caught them in some act of deception…and they are trying to convince us (and maybe even themselves) that the deception or our catching the deception is insignificant to their being a “good person.” Oh, that hurt my brain!

    Like

    • You hit the nail on the head with that point MS. My ex would absolutely freak out if anyone challenged him on his intentions or called him out for his ‘deceptions’ (even to the point of him physically assaulting someone at our business!). Though no longer together we went to counseling for my kid’s sake and at one point I stated my discomfort, that I felt outnumbered or ganged up on since it was his new spouse, he and I, on my own. He immediately started shaking, yelling then crying about how that (one sentence about my feelings) showed what his problem was with me, how horrible I was, etc. shifting the entire moment to put him center stage. It was utterly bizarre but I was glad to have a counselor there as witness. He had to go get air and collect himself. We stopped sessions after that… Unfortunately, he still has to be dealt with as we were married for many years and have kids who he basically ignored until a couple of years after the divorce. Now he is constantly saying what a good father he is and has rewritten history to say I “wouldn’t allow” him 50/50 custody when in reality he never once asked for any (“Since I’m so busy etc,.. I just want to make sure they come over sometimes.” aka when convenient or desired). He did however fight me unbendingly to give me as little of our business’s money as he could… His deceptions and ferocity scared me enough to actually be thankful in a way. At that time, my kids’ safety and emotional lives were paramount and worth it.

      Like

  13. excellent , well said!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  14. great posting. It reminded me of my husband’s ex-wife stating in an e-mail to him that she was a “good, honest person” who was an “open book” about everything. Who says these types of things about themselves?

    Like

    • Maybe your husband was the abuser towards his ex-wife which left her with low self-esteem. This would result in a woman trying to prove to her abuser that she is a good person who shouldn’t be treateed with such cruelty. Don’t always think it’s the woman’s fault my dear. Maybe she’s the ex because she finallly caught on to his deception and he moved onto his next conquest…you. I pray this not the case but it’s just a little something to cause ponder. Have a blessed day.

      Like

  15. Your post just reminded me of something my Ex did last year. I remember the evening clearly as if it was yesterday. I was sitting in my kitchen, listening to NPRs Moth Radio Hour, I was half way through the Moth stories when my Ex called me to ask a very important question. Concerned, I turned off the my Bose Radio and said, “What’s wrong?” and he said, “Do you think I am a good person?” I went silent. He said, “Are you there?” I said, “Yah.” So he said, “Well?” Paula, I couldn’t answer him. I was flabbergasted. I did not know how to answer. So I said, “Why are you asking me this? Why would you call your ex-wife to ask her such a question.” and he said, “Well the fact that you cannot answer me says a lot. I just want to know, Am I good person.” I said, “____ [his name] you shouldn’t be asking me this question. I am the wrong person to ask.”

    Paula, why would my Ex, who has been deemed a pathological narcissist by my therapist ask me such a question????????

    Like

  16. Good (errr…I mean great:) ) response. I like the two meanings of “better” here – superior to good and healed.

    Like

  17. I decided to look up “Good”. No wonder they love the word! The definition is filled with words like “superior to average satisfactory”, “better”, “best”, “of moral excellence”. Shoot after looking it up, I need to go look up another adjective to describe myself! Lol! Because I am simply not perfect. Oh and the “I am going to kill my self” I been waiting since early 2007, during our divorce, didn’t happen. Said he was going to during his divorce with #2 in 2011, didn’t happen. Crossing my fingers on Lucky #3 here, I think she’s a bit jealous too, maybe she’ll stab him first? Who knows. When he was divorcing #2 and wanted to die, I looked at him and said, well do you want directions to the Golden Gate Bridge? (We live in the Bay Area) If your going to do it, might as well be famous! He starts crying, (really, like I care). I told him, call a girlfriend, ex wife #1 not so forgiving. He tells me “this is why no one likes you, because your so mean”. I said, ” I don’t care good bye”. He was at the bar later in the evening with girlfriend #3. Killing self – on the back burner.

    Like

    • Apparently accusing my husband of having the affair he was having (when he gets home from “work” at 11pm and smelling like soap), is “maligning his character”. Trying to get him to get help after he became overtly abusive (lots of verbal/emotional abuse), was “thinking the worst of him”. And how a man who I thought loved me could show absolutely no shame or remorse for what he had done (and kept blaming me). I was so confused as to where that sort of disordered thinking could have come from until I saw this post.

      I guess that also explains the man who, when I had the flu in Germany back in ’97, told me to just go back to the States alone (and drive from Maryland to TN too) and he’d keep traveling Europe by himself. He was angry when I was upset at that and couldn’t understand why I would mind. And it also explains why he watched me fall in the bathroom and walked away then got angry when I was hurt by his lack of concern. Wow, so many things I’ve been confused about over the years are starting to make some sort of twisted sense.

      Like

    • We all have those memory recalls that you describe, Isilzha. Those moments and episodes in the past with our exes when we were like deer caught in headlights wondering how could he say, do or insinuate such things. Those moments were paralyzing and confusing and left us with more questions than answers. But because we were so utterly confused, we just thought the deficit and issue was in our ability to reason. Nope! The deficit was in our ex’s inability to feel empathy, remorse or use his conscience…he doesn’t have the ability to do any of these things like we can so our normal coping is rendered useless. That’s why we flailed and cried and looked like raving mad women. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  18. Yep! Heard that one so many times….Watched “Reviving Ophelia” tonight. Brought back memories from over 30 years ago in high school…….I know now it’s a road I will never travel again!!! Twice in one lifetime with the same person is MORE than enough….Thank you for all your wonderful insights and truths!!

    Like

  19. When I bring up to my husband that he has NO relationship with our daughters – and I mean NONE – and hasn’t for years – he always says, I’m not a bad person.” So tell me what kind of person has NO relationship with his children???? Thank you for your post, Paula.

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: