save yourself, Paula Carrasquillo, Paula Renee Carrasquillo, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo, psychopath, sociopath, awareness, dating a sociopath, divorcing a narcissist

save yourselfHow many times have you heard the following from the sociopath in your life:

“You have problems. You are sick. You need me because everyone else in your life has let you get away with being this way your entire life. You NEED me or you can’t get better.”

I heard it so many times. I’m sure you did, too.

Why is this part of their MO?

Because sociopaths like to be perceived as the hero. They want to be your savior. Saviors are respected and revered. Sociopaths like love being revered. It feeds their superiority complex.

But you didn’t need to be saved from anything when you met the sociopath, right? Me either!! So how did the sociopath convince us we needed to be saved?

By creating the pit we fell into, that’s how.

Generally speaking, when people are confused, people tend to feel lost and in need of help. The sociopath creates the confusion and in turn, our desperation to be saved from it.

How do they create this confusion?

Sociopaths use three rather opposing techniques in tandem to create the confusion: love bombing, gas lighting and devaluing.

Love Bombing and Plans for the Future
The sociopath tells you that everything about you is perfect. You talk about making plans for the future. You talk specific plans. You agree to the plan and the specifics. Everything is seems perfect.

Gas Lighting
At a later date, (maybe as soon as the very next day) you bring up some of the specifics of the plan. You’re told you are mistaken about the specifics of the plan. The sociopath explains the plans back to you, but they aren’t the plans you had agreed to. You are certain they have been altered. The sociopath assures you that they are the same plans you agreed to originally. But you know you never would have agreed to those plans. You know it!

Devaluing
You reject the plan. It’s not what you had talked about. The sociopath calls you a lying, selfish whore for rejecting the plan after having agreed to the plans. You are distraught. You can’t believe the same person who said you were so amazing is now calling you such horrid names.

The pit is being dug.

The cycle continues.

Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.
Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.
Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.
Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.

The pit gets deeper.

Depression sets in.

You take on a bad habit: over-eating, drinking, gambling, shopping, sleeping…Whatever it is, you do it to drown out your confusion.

But bad habits do a lot more than drown out the confusion. They turn you into someone and something you dislike.

The pit is too deep to crawl out on your own.

Soon, the sociopath learns of your bad habit, because you can’t hide the pounds you’ve added or the fact you don’t have enough money to pay your bills or you’re hung over, or hell, you just tell him that you’re struggling with something, because we learned a long time ago that the people we love and who love us can handle us even at our worst, right?

So we just assume that telling our “soul mate” (a.k.a. the sociopath we don’t realize is a sociopath) about our struggles will result in a healthy plan of attack to turn those bad habits around.

But it doesn’t work like that with a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t love themselves, so how are they supposed to understand your struggles and provide you with unconditional support and guidance?

They can’t, and they won’t. All they do is continue to use the same three techniques (love bombing, gas lighting and devaluing) sprinkled with lots of shaming and blaming, and Voila! You have yourself a false god. A false savior who continuously repeats:

“You have problems. You are sick. You need me because everyone else in your life has let you get away with being this way your entire life. You NEED me or you won’t get better.”

You’re screwed if you think this guy can help you. YOU. ARE. ROYALLY. SCREWED!

He can’t save you because he doesn’t wish to save you. The truth is that the sociopath created a bunch of lies, diversions and drama to convince you that you are hopeless. He might throw you a bone every now and then, but that’s just to give you hope so you keep holding onto the rope connecting you to his savior facade.

A true savior would take on your pain (not shame you) and get inside the pit with you and lift you up onto his shoulders and support you until you could get back on solid ground and stand on your own two feet.

But that’s exactly the opposite of what a sociopath wants. He wants you desperate, dependent and in NEED of him.

A sociopath doesn’t love you. A sociopath loves the idea of controlling you and keeping you all to himself.

But you are not a possession or an instrument that can be played and tuned to his liking. You do not need the sociopath to complete you, and you certainly don’t need him continuously telling you how worthless and weak you are.

The only thing a sociopath succeeds in doing is making you feel ashamed of your every-day mess ups. Once you fall into the trap of shaming yourself, you become disconnected from your core self. When you become disconnected from your core, you end up making bigger mistakes, mistakes that really cause you harm.

Then the sociopath can say, “See. I told you so. You’re sick. Look what you’ve done! I’m the only one who can save you now.”

I call BS on that. You should, too. These ultimate assholes couldn’t dig themselves out of jar of Jif. 🙂

Save yourself. Walk away and let the healing begin.

Namaste!

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/265712446734742994/)

Category:
abuse, Addiction, Alcohol, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Fitness, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 8 Comments

  1. You hit the nail on the head, again, Paula! This is exactly what happened to me with the Narc – he had me questioning my every thought, trying to cram it through the filters he set up for me, guidelines for how “normal” people behave. What a load! If I had trusted my gut the very first time he gaslighted me I could have lived the life I wanted to live instead of wasting over 11 years wallowing in a pit of his making.

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    • Your ex was REALLY good at this, too. Your posts detailing the exact conversations always disturbed me. They are mini Jim Joneses and David Koreshes. No. I take that back. They are not mini psychopaths. Their audiences are just miniature compared to the audiences of those other lunatics. 🙂

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  2. Reblogged this on ronald scott ippolito and commented:
    “A true savior would take on your pain (not shame you) and get inside the pit with you and lift you up onto his shoulders and support you until you could get back on solid ground and stand on your own two feet.”
    I have that in my life now…how amazing it is!!!
    Run away from these assholes as fast as you can. Run for your life!

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  3. Oh yeah I know that line!! Any REAL man would have hit you a long time ago. No man would put up with what I do from you. No other man would keep rescuing you, when I’m gone you’ll realize how much I did for you.
    I just can’t live with dysfumctional views, I love you do much I thought I could help you, its not you fault you had such a poor upbringing by dydfunctional parents but I was raised in a heallthy loving home and just can’t deal with your warped sense of reality.Listen to yourself, you don’t even make sense.

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    • I have a friend dealing with this right now. He likes accusing her family for all her “dysfunction.” It’s just so, so despicable!

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  4. I remember when i decided i wanted some therapy as a teenager (i think) and the father offered to council me….LOL I turned him him down cold of course but didn’t tell him, he’s the reason I needed the help in the first place. I think I did laugh a little at his craziness as he would know enough about counseling (he took a lot of courses and read a lot of books go figure) to know you don’t counsel your own family ha! they sure do like to pose as the saviour!

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  5. Hmm – I don’t recall having any “mental issues” prior to our relationship, but I do recall him never graduating from high school, therefore he would not be qualified to make a medical diagnoses! And I was stupid! Lol. Totally! I just have to laugh!

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  6. I love, love, LOVE the second to last line! Cracked me up! Thank you, Paula.

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