mother and child

mother and childOn the heals of leaving the boy in my story and trying to make sense of what happened, I spoke of and wrote about how much I believed his mother was just as sick and equally responsible. Now I understand she really had no choice but to enable her “unreachable” son.

The boy’s mother learned how to “take” her son’s abuse, which more than likely began at a very, very young age. One story the boy seemed especially proud to tell was of a time when he was 5 or 6, and his mother sought help from a psychiatrist. His mother was baffled by the boy’s behavior and needed to know what she could do about it and if there was hope for it to change.

The boy described that visit to the psychiatrist with enthusiasm and glee. He told the story in expressive soliloquy-style, bubbling with great animation accompanied by a chuckle here and a smirk there.

(I can’t deny that I was mesmerized by his presentation. It was flippin’ Oscar-worthy! He came to life when he told it—much like he did any time he reminisced about his past diabolical behavior).

During that visit to the doctor, the boy destroyed the psychiatrist’s office. He claims the doctor sat there stoically talking to his mother as the boy transformed the once neat and orderly room into a sea of tossed books, papers and chairs. Nothing was left untouched or unmoved.  The boy described the aftermath as an absolute mess and disaster.

And he received zero punishment or consequences.

For the boy, this remains one of his proudest pieces of personal history. To him, he had accomplished something noteworthy that day.

That day IS noteworthy. I agree. It was the day he and everyone else in his life set the stage for the boy’s life journey. It’s the day he realized he could do any f*cking thing he wanted to do and get away with it.

According to the boy, the psychiatrist told his mother that he was just a boy and his behavior was normal. He’d grow out of it.

Normal, huh? Grow out of it, huh? I highly doubt that’s what the doctor said. I think that’s what his mother wanted to believe, because the truth was too much to bare—her son had a serious behavioral issue and a lot of time, counseling and resources were needed to fix it.

After that incident, his mother pretty much gave up fighting him. Instead, she allowed his behavior. Why?

I suspect for the same reason any of us would: Who wants to believe there is anything seriously wrong with their child? Who wants to accept some negative, mental-health label? How much guilt is connected in doing that? How much social stigma is attached to that?

How, then, was she able to allow the behavior?

Again, I can only speculate, but based on how detached she was from him as an adult, I suspect she began detaching herself from him when he was just 5 or 6.

She worked a lot. Traveled solo a lot. Helped her husband with his business a lot. Bottom line, she kept busy with menial tasks, so she didn’t have time to mother her son beyond providing him with shelter, food and other basics.

And so the boy’s shitty behavior was free to grow, prosper and escalate. He had no reason to change or better himself (not that it would have happened even if she had decided to mother and nurture him more).

To this day, his mother remains detached and enabling. She still keeps busy, busy busy doing absolutely, f*cking nothing.

But she is always there to bail him out. From financial pinches to relationship disasters. She’s the one who took in his ex-fiancée when he kicked her out as he tried moving me in. She was his buffer. His saving grace. His mother defuses his shittiness and allows him to go about his life “business as usual.”

The guy is a loser but looks like a success because his mother, whom he lacks total respect for, chose a long time ago not to challenge him or his behavior. If she had, she probably would have ended up on the other side of one of his rages, the rages reserved for his girlfriends, fiancées and any future, unfortunate wives he might fool.

I can’t say that I blame his mother for saving herself from being on the receiving end of his rages. It’s not a pleasant place to be. I’m sorry I ever blamed her.

So peace to his mother. May she one day find the courage to finally stand up to him and maybe run away, too.

Namaste!

(image source)

Category:
abuse, Children, Cluster B disorders, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Health, Humor, Kids, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissistic Sociopath, Peace, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 22 Comments

  1. Great posting… I see this frequently in parents. To actually state their is a problem with a child places the parent in a position of having to take some type of action.Denial is so much easier (and fun) in the minds of some.

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    • I just wish I had been more aware of the signs of REAL family dysfunction. We all have family problems, but healthy families discuss problems and are never ashamed to tackle them. It’s the families with the most secrets and lies that are the most destructive. The families who APPEAR perfect generally are far from healthy. 🙂

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    • yes! I love this comment about not being ashamed to tackle problems. I am coming to the awareness of this with my stepkids. Because I am the stepmom, everyone will label my concerns as “being judgmental”. I am not. I am a very kind person and I am also a teacher. Teachers are very aware of behaviors/responses. Thanks for the inspiration!

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  2. I hope that for his mother and my mother!

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  3. Oh geez! My then 11 year old niece was told my a court counselor that it was okay for her dad to get mad and yell at her because that’s how men are. Of course her dad got custody of the kids. Nobody ever punished him.

    Because you speak up about issues that are important for everyone I have nominated your blog for the Inspiring Blogger Award. Whether you accept it or not, keep up the great work.
    http://impoweryou.org/2013/06/20/inspiring-blog-2013/

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  4. If the boy had had a Puerto Rican mother like mine, he would have been knocked upside the head and none of that behavior under any circumstances would have been allowed.

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  5. I am leaving the Catholic thing alone!! I went to Catholic school. I get it, all to well. Have a great day!!

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  6. One more thing, when every member in the family is certifiable. How are they supposed to figure out who the “normal ones” are? My ex’s family determines it by least amount of DUI’s, who has over dosed the least and who has been in drug and alcohol rehab least. Yep, that determines who’s “good” and who isn’t! Great system, huh! 😱

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    • Hehe! That’s another thing that has crossed my mind. The boy’s entire family, although not druggies or substance abusers, have some serious personality issues and have committed some retched acts. And no one seems to think much of it! It’s their normal! I almost accepted it as normal, too. I was so close. So, so close. 🙂

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  7. No, I understand. It’s a generational issue. 20, 30 and so on years ago, “mental imbalances” were not looked upon kindly. In fact I recall reading recently, in the early 1900’s people were institutionalized for being “diagnosed” as sociopaths, (who knows how many sins THAT covered). I believe public awareness of mental illness in general will greatly reduce the stigma of “oh not my little Johnny” or “I don’t have THAT”. If society, in general will accept whatever the hell is wrong with themselves and their kids and get them help! You don’t see people acting weirded out when they have any other disease? So why should a brain disorder be any different? And in a Utopia world…. Okay, off my soap box. Thank you! 😊

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    • Oh, yes. And this family is supposedly Catholic. THAT is another part of the stigma and denial, I think. Thank you for your soap box speech. 🙂

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  8. I disagree. The family who enables does much more damage to the victims of the abuse and should not be let off the hook so easily. It is one thing for the family to bail him out of messes – it is quite another to withhold truths/reality from his victims and pretending he is normal and going along with him. Their silence and/or direct lies on his behalf is helping him dupe more and more people – costing them financially and emotionally. I do not forgive the enabling family of the Sociopath – without their assistance, there would be no child that no one wants to financially support in my particular case.

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    • I think they were oblivious to what he was really doing, to be honest. He lied so much about me, I can only imagine the lies he told about his past partners to his mother and the rest of the family. I guess I am releasing her from myself more than really forgiving her. It’s definitely a selfish act on my part. To free myself from blaming anyone else but him for what he does to people. 🙂

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    • So true Paula. My ex’s family is still oblivious because these narc sociopaths will lie til death do them part. My ex’s sister admitted a long time ago after I had left that her brother’s lies so much about me to his mother, siblings & family but she can weed out the lies. In her not so direct way – she was admitting he’s a professional loser. Like you, I can only imagine the lies of every partner just to play the victim.

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    • I agree. I was involved with the sociopath for 4.5 years. He came into my life immediately after I lost my husband. I let him in. I was broken. Grieving Vulnerable. He preyed on me although I had no idea. I believed his love bombing. I fell in love with his family. Then he lost his dad to cancer. I became even closer to his mother. Even as he devalued and discarded me time and time again. I remained in contact with his mother as she also suffered the loss of her husband. But she continued and continues to enable him. “Likes” and comments on his FB posts with the other woman although it was within a week of him shutting me out do no reason. He has no home except his victims and then back to his mothers until the next victim he can manipulate into living with. I’ve been 5 weeks today with no contact. His mother told me she wished he’d stop hurting people but she continues to enable him and bail him out of child support or anything else she can. Why do I still have feelings for that family ?????? I ask myself that every day.

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    • Because you’re a good person. 🙂

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