chance and regret

chance and regretDid you do enough? Did you make the right decision to walk away?

One of the reasons many remain in toxic and pathological love relationships for too long is because we want to be absolutely certain that we aren’t giving up on a person prematurely.

We always second-guess ourselves and ask, “What if it’s me and not him/her? What if I changed X, Y and Z about myself? Surely he/she will see my efforts and the relationship will get better.”

The relationship never gets better with a pathological person. The sociopath can’t see beyond his/her need to control you.

If you suggest counseling or attempt to change anything about yourself while in the relationship, your efforts will be perceived by the sociopath as a direct attack.

The sociopath will look upon your attempt to change with great contempt. The sociopath will accuse you of not being satisfied. Why change yourself or try getting the sociopath to change? You can’t possibly love the sociopath if you want to change the sociopath and the relationship. How dare you suggest it?!

To add more confusion, the sociopath tells you that YOU REALLY DO need to change and get better and provide him with the love and attention the sociopath deserves.

Yet, any attempt you make to change and satisfy the sociopath for the sake of preserving the relationship, the sociopath will shame and blame you.

You: Exercising really clears my mind and puts me in a great mood. I’m going to start going to the gym on the way home from work in the evenings. I think it will really help us.

The Sociopath: Help us? Well, it doesn’t help me. Spending time at the gym will only take away from our time together. You must not like our time together. You must not really love me. Whore! You heartless bitch!

It’s vicious and insidious and leads to more and more verbal, emotional and eventually physical abuse (if it hasn’t already escalated to that.)

Do yourself and your future a favor and see the sociopath for what the sociopath is and stop thinking you are failing yourself by ending it. Walk away. Go no contact.

Do you have any idea how many more deserving people are in this world dying for someone like you to be a part of theirs? People with a conscience and empathy and big hearts—real hearts, not those fake ones the sociopath likes flashing in our faces?

If you remain in a relationship with a sociopath, you remain under the sociopath’s control. You will forever suffer.

But if you get out, there can be no regrets for having the courage to step away from hell. Take a chance on yourself for a change.

Namaste! Peace!

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abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 18 Comments

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  2. Great post Paula!!!!! You know reading this made ME feel better!!. That is where I am at right now, that I really DO deserve so much better. I still have a couple of long term exes in my life, was talking to them yesterday. Both intelligent professional men. One is on holiday at his parents villa in North Cyprus. I said, gosh I haven’t had a holiday since i went with you in 2006,I thought how he took me to places over the world. Another, I was with for 7 years, did my degree with him. It was him who gave me the laptop in 2011, and said Nik please write…. (I didn’t), it was him who encouraged me to do a blog. He said I told you, I always said you found writing easy. Because your real. The other one who is away, said Nik you are the most passionate, enthusiastic person I have ever met. I sat and thought ……

    At 5.15am I had a missed call from sociopath…. and I thought – WHY was I dealing with his problems, his drama? …. He took my career, my finances, turned my world upside down. Has never had a job….. what have I been doing??? 🙂

    And the one who is away said ‘it would be funny if you actually ended up making money from him’,…. how ironic…..

    Yeah, out there is someone that will love you more. The one who is away – said when I get back, lets meet up go out for dinner. We had stayed good friends in the last 6 years since splitting…. yeah there is better out there. Sometimes you just have to break the bond and move on….. letting go, allows new things into your life!! 🙂


    • Hehe! Yes, you will definitely make some money from that relationship, because you are passionate and willing to share your experiences with us. And you’re going to meet some great people along the way, people who value you for you!


    • I am meeting great people. Its amazing, after being isolated for such a long time. its like being set free from a cage!!! Wahay…. hello world!! 🙂


  3. Great article, Paula! I found you from Tina’s OMB page. I am just about to wrap up my divorce from my Narc/Sociopath. I might have stayed longer than needed because I wanted to make sure I did everything I could. I decided it was a good time as our kids are 5 and 1 and I was not going to have them raised run by an abusive and pathological father. Though divorce is not easy, it’s a lot easier than living one more day with that man!


    • Thanks for taking the time to comment, Sydney. I love Tina and her blog. Although I did not have the added burden of going through a divorce (I never married the narc/sociopath), I can easily relate to what many go through in Family Court and with the lies and manipulations. I am so glad you are no longer living with THAT man either and that your children are no longer subjected to his abuses! 🙂


  4. I really liked and enjoyed your post Paula. Good one! Very good. Your best yet, I’d even venture to add, and your comments rang true with me. So glad he’s not my problem anymore!


  5. I’m afraid I will attract another pathological narcissist. I’m so leery of men right now…I cannot even fathom dating anyone or starting a new relationship. How did you manage to trust again?


    • I had to start by trusting myself. I also reinvigorated already established relationships with more patience and care. People who didn’t give up on me while I was in the pathological relationship- my mother, sisters, my son and even my estranged husband. Even he knew I deserved better, if only I believed I deserved better.

      Being cautious about starting a new relationship is a great place to be. So, my advice is to start within yourself, learn to love yourself and trust yourself completely and genuinely. XOXO


    • Hi Paula,
      After I read your response to my question, I checked my RSS feed and this is the latest from Diana Haris. She is a spiritual person I follow. I think she wrote aligns quite nicely with what you just advised me to do. Don’t you think?


    • Oh, wow! This is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing. Being able to be compassionate with ourselves is so important. I learned through yoga how to be patient with myself and my thoughts. Changing our thought patterns is just as hard as breaking other bad habits and addictions. It seems like the planets are perfectly aligned at this time for that journey into self to begin and/or continue with ease. ❤


    • 🙂

      Lately, Diana’s posts have been spot on, as has Cheryl Richardson (another spiritual person I follow). 🙂


    • I don’t know if you are into astrology, too, but I also follow Lots of insight. We can never get enough insight! 🙂


    • I love astrology! Thanks for sending. 🙂


  6. Lovely sentiment- there are others much, much more worthy awaiting our love 🙂


    • It’s amazing how many good people there are. People who don’t shame and blame us but hold us accountable at the same time, in a caring and understanding way. Thanks, Kimberly!


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