He would say things like, “I find it sad that people have never experienced what we have experienced. Look at them. They obviously don’t love each other the way we love each other.”
Heck, I didn’t know how to respond.
I never liked comparing myself to anyone, and I especially didn’t think comparing coupledom was a healthy exercise. Instead of disagreeing with the sociopath (because we all know where that simple act of free will gets us), I would just say something like, “Yeah, I can’t imagine.”
To me, that was an honest statement, because I couldn’t imagine imagining what was going on inside of another and especially another relationship. It just wasn’t fair for me to judge, not even on an intellectual level (and I vomit at the idea of using the words “sociopath” and “intellectual” in the same post).
The sociopath also liked comparing me to his past girlfriends and fiancees. I didn’t like this either.
Sure, it was flattering to be referred to with superlatives: the most and the best and the prettiest or the smartest. But I know that no woman is any of those things and can’t be to any 1 person.
I grew up with 5 sisters. I love and respect the uniqueness of women and know that we all have many quirks and idiosyncrasies that define us. Our childhood, our education, our settings and background only tell part of the story of us. Knowing our dreams and hopes is harder to know. And it’s the impossibility of getting inside of our dreams and hopes that makes defining any of us (even the celebrities on the cover of People Magazine) as being the most or the best wrong in my opinion.
How in the world is it possible for anyone to be The Best or The One and Only?!?!
And I think it’s this superlative talk from our past that causes many victims and survivors to become desperate for that next perfect love affair.
That’s the sociopath talking in your ear, remember?
There is no perfect love affair other than the love affair we have with ourselves. I believe falling in love with who we are and what we can accomplish and with our potential is the necessary step before we attempt to look for a new boyfriend/girlfriend or future husband/girlfriend.
I know, for many, you feel defeated because you see or have heard about your ex’s new and “amazing!” relationship.
You know it won’t last, right? Why does your heart sink when you hear him say, “I am the happiest I have ever been.” So what? Remember when he said that to you about you and him?
If he can be happier than he claims he was with you, he must be walking around pissing all over himself or something, ’cause he was “super-duper” and “jumping on couches” happy with you. Can you even imagine a happier person than that? (I can’t unless I imagine his head exploding and fireworks are shooting from all of his orifices.)
We know the narcissist/sociopath is incapable of a long-term relationship. So stop worrying about what he’s doing. He’s doing it. Period. His life sucked before you, and it will suck after you. Who cares if he appears and seems happy today. You know he isn’t and you know it won’t last. He’ll screw it up just like he screwed up all of his past relationships with women who deserve so much better than him. (I have a few e-mails from women who came before and after me that validates it all for me. I’m sure many of you do, too.)
He WILL fail. Why? Because he hates being alone. He hates being who he is because he doesn’t even know who he is outside of what he has: a car, a home…a car, a home. (See? Not much, huh?)
Focus on you before you focus on re-capturing what you think you had with the sociopath.
If we can’t be happy alone, how do we expect to magically be happy with another?
The equation for a relationship is easy: 1 + 1 = 2. But what makes up those lonely 1s will define the whole 2.
Love yourself before you try loving another. It’s only fair to you and to the person you invite into your life next. Embrace your “single” status. It means you are strong and capable of standing alone and being you. And when you love yourself completely, the chances of allowing another to devalue your worth like the sociopath did are slim to none!
(Image source: Being Single Is Not A Death Sentence. Embrace It.)