unconditional love

unconditional love

(I allude to what finally led to my escape in my book. But I do not detail any particular conversations or confrontations with the sociopath. I purposely keep it vague. My Facebook Page and this blog are where I have disclosed most of the details.)

Two weeks before I left the sociopath, I discovered I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell him at first and waited a few days before I slapped the pregnancy test on the arm of his chair and walked back to the bedroom.

I was petrified of what his response would be. He had always spoken about how he wanted to have children and to especially have a little girl who looked just like me. But I saw how he treated my son and witnessed his equally sick brother raise his niece. I was torn. I had always wanted a sibling for my son but I couldn’t imagine exposing a child to such a deranged father.

He immediately came back to the bedroom to confront me. I was chastised for the manner in which I informed him. He didn’t think being dropped a stick with a plus sign on it was very tasteful. (Well, fuck you!) And then he proceeded to tell me all of the things I was doing wrong with regards to what I ate and my depression and my drinking (of which I had stopped as soon as I discovered my pregnancy).

It didn’t matter that I was suffering from severe nausea. I could barely sit up. I explained repeatedly that I was not feeling well and could we discuss this later. I was on the verge of vomiting, but he seemed unmoved. He was more pissed because he was out of the loop, perhaps? Hated that I had control, perhaps?

And that’s the issue. I never wanted control. I just wanted to be left alone so I could relax and feel better. Each time I went to put my head on the pillow he grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to sit up. It took everything inside of me not to vomit. I have no idea how I was able to keep from crying, but I sat there emotionless and just observed his craziness.

And it got worse.

He told me that I would NEVER hold that child, as he pointed to my belly. He said he would convince a judge that I was unfit, depressed and alcoholic. He said the baby would never be in my arms because he would take it right from my hospital bed. (Again, fuck you!)

I remained speechless.

He must have worn himself out, because he finally laid his head on his pillow. I was still sitting up! He rolls over and says he was just kidding about taking away the baby.

I thought to myself, “It’s a bit too late for that apology, cocksucker.

I knew better than to believe anything he said at that point, especially when it came to manipulating my emotions with his empty apologies.


His treatment of my son (detailed more in my book) and how he behaved at the news of possibly having one of his own with me makes it hard for me not to hate him and remain bitter. I’m sure with a little more time and work that the last remnants of hate will dissipate.

I am able to let go of his treatment of me, but not of my child. I think that’s why in the beginning, soon after leaving him, I was so adamant about finding his new girlfriends to warn them. I wouldn’t wish the pain of the relationship on anyone.

But now I don’t even bother. They must figure it out the hard way.

As for my pregnancy, it only lasted 12 weeks. I had a miscarriage a few weeks after leaving him. I wouldn’t claim to feel lucky as much as I felt relieved.

Before the miscarriage, I was a wreck worrying if I would be able to protect the child. I had horrible visions of being separated from the child. Nightmares. Cold sweats. Visions of the child hating me because the sociopath had brainwashed the child against me.

So much anxiety filled me after he threatened to keep the child from me. I was on the verge of losing my mind.

I do believe the miscarriage was fate. I’d like to think the child’s soul was in control and chose to move on. I don’t know. It’s how I cope with the loss.

The sociopath would tell everyone I lost the child because I didn’t take care of myself or that I got an abortion. Honestly, so what if I didn’t take care of myself or have an abortion? My child is no longer suffering and either am I.

~Namaste!

(Image source: Elephant Journal)

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, Children, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Health, Kids, Lessons, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 21 Comments

  1. A miscarriage is a horrible loss to go through.

    hugs

    ivonne

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    • Many don’t realize that often a miscarriage requires the same procedure often used for abortions. People have no idea. None.

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  2. sorry Paula, I want to say something but I can’t, been there and just can’t repeat the details…just would like everyone to know that ONCE you understand what is happening and GET THE HELL out, over time you will have peace and the hurts will go away. You only have one life to live…live it in peace without fear and hurt.

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  3. Your strength is amazing… I hate empty apologies.. 99% of the time.. I am sorry is used like I love you… without feeling or sincerity ..

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    • Empty apologies are insulting, as if we can’t detect the lack of sincerity. It’s the first thing we notice!! 🙂

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  4. I’m so sorry you lost your child because of him, my heart is aching for you xo

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  5. Your events are so similar to what I went through, only I had the child. A miscarriage can be horrific for women to go through. But boy did it save you from all those events that DO happen, if the child is born. Hugs Paula. Xxx

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  6. Paula, losing a child is Life’s greatest losses. I can will imagine the torment you went through thinking about the repercussions of having a child with that heartless bastard. There is mo doubt in my mind and I’m sure yours that you would have had a life of emotional hell as would the child.

    I am so sorry for your loss, but can’t help but think it is for the best and your little girl is waiting for you on the other side smiling down on you.

    You are amazingly strongcwoman who, by sharing her story is undoubtedly saving many other women from through same or worse fate.

    Hugs
    Carrie

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    • Thank you, Carrie. Although I never knew if the baby was a boy or a girl, I have always sensed that it was a girl, and I think she has guided me through the past several months and helped me accept and move ahead and at the same time, has given me the courage to share what happened to me without seeking pity or sympathy from anyone. It’s amazing how much everyone’s feedback has strengthened me and encouraged me to find meaning in it all. XOXO

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  7. “Recently” 🙂 I’ve written my own stories taken from memory but more clearly from journal pages written 8 + years ago…much more accurate and frightening. Looking back we often wonder how we found the strength, courage to accept that “final straw” and the perseverance to get out. Then ALWAYS wonder what took so long to realize some people will not change /do not want to change no matter how many opportunities they are offered.. So thankful to those of us who do escape and lead the way for others. Blessings. Shandra

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    • Thank you, Shandra! I am amazed at the courage I have seen from so many women and men who have shared their experiences with me over the short lifetime of this blog. It’s inspiring! 🙂

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  8. Honey, the miscarriage was in no way your fault. It was his for all the pressure he put on you and the mistreatment of you. Some will say it was God’s way of protecting another child from going through what your son did. Having been through similar situation myself I can tell you it was no one’s fault but, the abuser!! You did well and best of luck in your future life because now YOU DO HAVE A FUTURE!!!

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    • Thank you, Sue. It’s odd, because in writing this, I was able to let go of even more of the hate I have in my heart knowing that if he hadn’t treated me so overtly shitty and had been more passive-aggressive, I may have stayed. It’s as if I am thankful he demonstrated his ugliness in such a tangible way. Words are abusive because they are meant to hurt. 🙂

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    • I can totally understand that. My mother is a narcissist/alcoholic and she abused me when I was growing up. She told me once that I should “thank” my ex because he was the reason I am as strong as I am. I then told her that I owed her a thank you too then because if she hadn’t treated me as badly as she did I would never have survived him. It’s a release when you can tell your abuser what they did to you but, that you survived it and came through stronger than ever!!!!

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    • So true! It is so, so true! 🙂

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