A sociopath will tell you that all he desires is a lasting and loving relationship. The reality and truth behind this desire lies in the sociopath’s definition and concept of love and relationships.
Love to the sociopath = total domination.
From what you eat to when you go to bed, you are controlled by the whims of the sociopath. It could be oatmeal today or eggs tomorrow. If he likes oatmeal today, you should like oatmeal today. If he likes eggs tomorrow, you should like eggs tomorrow.
You can choose not to like oatmeal today. Of course you can. But be prepared to be called stupid, idiotic and hateful for choosing not to like something that the sociopath likes.
“Absurd!” you say.
Well, this is the reality of being with a selfish, vindictive and controlling sociopath.
“Then why stay?” you ask.
We stay, because we were raised to ignore the bad and embrace the good in people. We were raised to give people chances especially people we love and who we think love us in return.
Imagine for a moment being with a person that showers you with compliments and praises. And these praises are constant and come in many shapes and sizes:
- Flowers sent to your office for no particular reason.
- Gifts delivered to your doorstep out-of-the-blue.
- Endless hugs and kisses when you walk through the door.
- Love letters, emails and texts sent to you throughout the day, every day.
We call this love bombing. And its effect is just as powerful as any Nazi Blitzkrieg.
Love bombing is very destructive. Love bombing destroys your ability to distinguish between what true love is and what control disguised as true love looks and feels like.
Calling you an ignorant, stupid pig comes from a loving and caring place, don’t you know that? The sociopath only says those things because he loves you so much and wants you to be perfect and better and to love him the way he loves you. You’re soul mates, remember? Shaming and blaming you into getting your act together is how he demonstrates his love for you.
Hmmm? Not quite, right?
Building a person up through love bombing and then tearing them down using shame and blame is what slave owners do.
A sociopath motivates you to work harder at pleasing him by praising you, which gives you a false sense of safety and security. You feel protected and think, “If he thinks I am so wonderful, I am safe with him.”
Then the attacks of shame and blame strike when you least expect it. You immediately wonder what you did to deserve such treatment. How could you have been so stupid? His love bombing tactic has succeeded in diverting all of your judgment onto yourself instead of onto the sociopath who’s standing there raging and acting like an infant that dropped his pacifier.
After all, why would you judge his criticisms when you did not judge his superfluous praises? You have accepted all of his praise and attention without question. They came from a good place, right. So, his criticisms must be coming from the same place of love and desire, right?
Wrong!
This is the Catch-22, the conundrum that victims find themselves. We fall into the web of deception because the sociopath played on our most primal and innate quest to find love and acceptance. He fooled us into thinking he loved and accepted us with all of our flaws and quirks.
But the reality is love = control to the sociopath. That’s slavery to me. What do you think?
If a sociopath can’t control you and make you love him the way he needs to be loved, he’ll abandon you and set out to find someone else more submissive and willing to let him be King.
Submission. It’s not a game I want to play ever again.
Namaste!
Your Healing Frequency 
39 responses to “Submission – The Sociopath’s Perception of Love”
Reblogged this on Selffeducate's Blog.
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Your post is completely right – I went through most of things with my ex-narcissist.
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God I know all about being the submissive wife! Even now away my husband is bombarding me with guilt on how I need to not leave him. Without him what will I be?? I say free! Money does not buy happiness. Hugs Paula. Xxx
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So true! My dream is to have a lot less stuff than I have now. Simplicity is key. 🙂
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You just might be right! Xx
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Move into a travel trailer and you’ll soon find yourself pitching things out the door 🙂 There’s no room for sentimentality (or the opinions of others about what you “should” keep) when you live in less than 500 sq. ft…Gotta say, it’s The Bomb! Really forces focus and simplicity.
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This sounds very true and scary! I find the whole process daunting. Hugs Paula. Xx
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I remember having so much fear that I would not leave the relationship and then when I did he attacked and stabbed me. As sick as it sounds I am actually glad sometimes the stabbing happened. I was able to heal from the physical wounds. The psychological abuse would of killed me for sure.
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I think many would agree with you, Becki. The wounds heal from being hit and smacked around and in your case, stabbed. But the psychological effects linger and lead many to end their lives or to become so ill, they die from being sick. 🙂
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I agree the psychological is the worst , at least for me.
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And jerkbusters my mother is very similar. (By the way you weren’t big for a 9 year old you were proportional) We have not spoke since 08 – I forgive her, but it’s healthier for me to hold her at a gorillas arms length. I still hate trying on clothes in dressing rooms. Because I hear her words in my ears. I am almost 40 and wear a sz 2 for god sakes. But it doesn’t matter. You carry your childhood with you. And I am therapied out. So I am trying that writing therapy. See how that goes? We always want the approval of our parents. Such as life. And yes I know you wrote this yesterday – yesterday was a bad day.
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I love your line about how our “innate” and “primal” need for loving relationships is played upon. Our most beautiful quality ends up being a way to destruction in the hands of a sociopath. Great synopsis of how this unfolds in a sociopathic relationships.
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I always think about the quote from Moulin Rouge: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” ~Toulouse-Lautrec
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I’m married to a narcissistic, sociapath. Not one ord from his mouth is the truth. We will be married 29 yrs and I can’t wait to break free. He does nothing but scream and push me uses vile language tells me to drop dead cu-t. Then looks online to find his next victim. He makes me sick and I’m so tired of fighting but I will and I will win. He has ruined so many lives. Meeting girls proposing marraige. I’m looking forward to coming out on top and warning other women what to look for and if it looks to good to be true, it most likely is.
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I’m so sorry, Anonymous. But you clearly sound determined not to allow this to destroy you.
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I think it’s more of a Risk the game type theory – divide, destroy, conquer – move on to the next beautiful city or country to ruin destroy and conquer. It’s like notches on bed posts. Just makes me want to Lysol myself, daily. 😝!!
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Reblogged this on JerkBusters and commented:
A brilliant post from Paula’s Pontifications. (So true – sociopaths are all about controlling others, so as long as you are behaving the way they want you to, and they’re getting away with their shit, you’re in their good books.) Enjoy!
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Thank you for the reblog!
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I believe we also stay as long as we do because of the psychopath/narcissist/sociopath’s confusing communication; often the language they use isn’t blatantly abusive, harsh, or even, on the surface, unloving, yet it is employed to subtly erode your confidence, and even have you question your own judgement or sanity. Sometimes it’s not fear of the disordered one that keeps you there, it’s fear of making the wrong decision – that maybe, just maybe, you really are on the edge of sanity and that it’s really not them, and that you should still be giving them the benefit of the doubt.
One example of how subtle abuse can be is how my mother criticized me as a child. I was constantly bullied in school, with all the popular names of the day like “Fatty”, “Fatso”, “Whale”, and so on. I didn’t equate my mother’s concerned “looks” when I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office (I was 5’3″ and 114 lbs at the time, by the way, which was maybe big for a 9 year old, but healthy), or her pointing out specific things about my body or appearance in a way that was not overtly degrading, but that made it clear these characteristics were not to her liking, with the kind of abuse I suffered from my classmates. Both behaviors were meant to single me out in one way or another; the bullies wanted to tear me down for whatever reason, and my mother wanted me to be different than what I was. Both the bullies and my mother tore me apart inside, with behaviors that were truthfully almost identical. I had nowhere to go, and didn’t recognize my mother’s behavior as abusive, anyway; I developed a “tolerance”, just to survive. From then on, I guess I set the bar pretty low in terms of what I allowed from people in my future relationships.
Psychopath #2 in my life (who I recently realized reminded me of my mother) did things in a similar way. He would dish out compliments, be seemingly supportive, but then he would go do something rather curious – he would start talking on and on about “how beautiful” this other person was (you’d have to know him and this other person to understand, but his comments were clearly in reference to her slim body – I had put on a lot of weight during the course of our friendship). He would essentially deliver a put-down by using comparison as his tool of choice, which I fortunately noticed that time around for what it was. The awesome thing is that once I saw what he was doing, the bar went up on how I allowed others to treat me, including him. He wasn’t in my life for much longer!
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It’s insane how we allow this adolescent behavior to infiltrate our lives and relationships as adults. I don’t participate or turn away from it when I see it in others. Now I ask why they think their nasty and mean opinions matter in the first place. If we all put this behavior in its place the first time someone exhibits it, it might go away faster. Maybe the sociopaths will learn to behave and only spend their hours hurting themselves internally instead of the rest of us outwardly. I have no idea. Just a thought. 🙂
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The examples of their control that you speak of are very difficult to deal with, but the TRUE sociopaths are also doing blatantly disloyal things (like cheating, then lying about it), throwing other women in our faces (triangulation, whether overtly or covertly), and expecting us to not make a peep about it. Those are the things that break us, which delights them.
If the only things I had to deal with were to eat what he wanted me to, go to bed when he wanted me to, etc., I’d still be with him (stupidly, I admit). That’s NOTHING compared to being expected to not question him when he comes home at 3:00 AM smelling like sex and perfume. If I ignored it (or pretended to), things would be ok for me. If I cried, or yelled, or whatever, THAT’S when the shit hit the fan.
I’ve had several good relationships but have been in one abusive relationship (he was probably bipolar) and one sociopathic relationship, and the latter was a million times worse than the former, although the level of abuse was about the same. The lying, betrayal, cheating, and backstabbing from the sociopath are what cause the suicidal thoughts, cognitive dissonance, and general crazy-making that goes on for months or years.
I was over the “merely” abusive guy the day I walked out. The sociopath has yet to leave my head a year and a half later. I’m still not sure I’ll ever recover–at the very least, I don’t think I’ll ever trust a man again.
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Abbri,
I wish for him to leave your head so you can find peace. And trusting someone begins with trusting ourselves. I think you have the knowledge and understanding to trust yourself again to make better choices and respond to the behavior with more confidence and determination. I am hopeful you will definitely recover. You already are! XOXO
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Okay, this is UNCANNY, I swear, Paula, how you manage to describe exactly exactly exactly these episodes and the dynamic of love bombing with it!! Right down to the oatmeal. And I just read all of these responses here, and I am with you all. Such unbelievable arguments that lasted for hours because I didn’t want to eat something he wanted, oh and forget about choosing the restaurant, or the movie, or when to go to the bathroom, or take a shower, and on and on. And the “you don’t love me’s”with any and everything that didn’t suit him and his infantile neeeeeeds. I see now how it all worked, you describe it perfectly, Paula. Bless our hearts for wanting to be loved, and bless our hearts double for wanting to be FREE. Thank you so much. I love you all!
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Thanks for sharing the love around Linda… love to all our wounded & confused ‘sisters’ out there ~ we’re nodding and getting stronger with each other’s support. Cheers and Thanks to Paula, the girl that keeps us cognizant!!
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Thank you, Heather! 🙂
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Thank you, Linda. It’s too amazing how alike they are and how alike we are in our responses and internal frustrations and confusion. 🙂
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the Princess Leia photo goes with the blog very well – ha! nice choice. Still wonder why it took so long to stand up to His Lordship to stick to my own choices…but no, no wondering why, fear of rejection and not pleasing him goes a long way. And to think I wanted to actually ARGUE about where I wanted to go to dinner when it would never be my option to choose = NEVER !!! Never would my opinion be heard because if I DARED to rise up against him to disagree …..mmmmm uhoh I would be screamed at for being a (you ready for this ?) a C o n t r o l – f r e a k !!!
I was chastised for trying to eat whatever or go where I wanted. Who’s nodding their heads? How many Ladies thought it was chivalrous for our D- Monster to order for us at nice restaurants?? I bought into that too!
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Oh, yes!! I was often called a control freak if I disagreed or attempted to exert my preferences. And ordering my food? I hated that!! I never thought it was okay. My biggest mistake was ordering coffee and dessert before he finished his meal which he returned twice because it wasn’t prepared as he had asked. By eating dessert and drinking my coffee while he was still eating his entree was inconsiderate. It didn’t matter that he was inconveniencing me and the wait staff. He just didn’t get it. And he tried shaming me. This was near the end. I just laughed at him and asked him if he wanted a bite of my cake. Hehe!
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I am definitely nodding, here!!
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Namaste, nor should anyone unwillingly submit to poor abusive behavior.
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Absolutely!! 🙂
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Another reason we stay is pure fear of them.
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Very true, Zoe. It was easier to agree. A lot easier.
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they’re exasperating!
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So true! I don’t like kale. That’s where it started for me. I was treated to a 3-hour lecture about how I was [insert name of your choice here – he used them all] for not liking kale. Spinach is not an acceptable substitute. It went downhill from there. It was the first time I actually (mentally) sat up and said, “WTF? Are we really arguing about kale?”
There were a million and one other things that prompted the same lecture from him, but the kale episode cemented my resolve to leave.
Real Love doesn’t look like this. Slavery is a good descriptor!
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It’s truly ridiculous! Kale? I remember the BS he threw at me in support of drinking Coke. I just sat a d rolled my eyes. Some hogwash about how it made him feel good and reminded him of his childhood (which he had never left). It didn’t matter that the sugar and carbonation countered any of those “happy” effects. Hehe!
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It was all about how I didn’t eat foods that he approves of. I was killing myself and he had to watch and he was sooooo afraid that he would have to deal with an invalid in his “old age” and it would all be my fault but he would pay the price, etc. blah, blah, blah.
The reality is that my diet is pretty healthy and I ate anything else he wanted me to. I hate curry, but I choked it down in order to avoid the lecture he would give if I didn’t pretend to love it. It goes on and on.
Jerkbusters makes a great point – much of what he said was disguised as “loving” – he claimed to have my best interests at heart, he was the first person to Really Care about my health and happiness, etc. He had me believing that I was disordered because I took offense at things he said, that my emotional responses were out of line, extreme, or not extreme enough, delayed in an abnormal way, or whatever he thought would upset me the most. I wondered if there was something wrong with me that I had a visceral reaction to his “loving advice.” My gut knew it was all a lie, but my brain told me to wait and think about what he said.
It’s all a huge lie, designed to keep us off balance so that we stay. I am so happy to be rid of that asshole and his mind games! Should have done it sooner, but the FOG he was rolling out was too thick to see through…
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Keeping us off balance–Absolutely! Most of us who find oursleves with these types are very “together” people. We don’t handle being broken well and fight to recover. We discover too late that the broken pieces aren’t parts of us that need fixed. They were the sociopath’s broken pieces he tried attaching to us. It’s like taking the shattered remains of a vase and attaching them to an unbroken vase. The pieces of the broken vase never mold to the unbroken vase. The glue slips, the tape wears and each time the broken pieces fall, they shatter into even tinier pieces. It’s futile. The broken piece can never be put back together, and it’s selfish to assume that the unbroken vase should be burdened in such a way.
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Exactly! What a perfect word picture 🙂
Maybe it’s because I WAS always so together and didn’t understand people who weren’t – I had the idea that maybe I was the one who needed help, wasn’t “normal,” and my abusers preyed upon that insecurity. It was the tiny chink in my armor that let them in to wreak havoc on my mind.
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