Note to self

Note to selfEight months after I left the sociopath (a.k.a. the boy in my story), he called me at 10:00 p.m. on September 6, 2011, his birthday. I didn’t answer. I texted him instead saying, “I know why you called. Happy birthday. Hope it was a good one.”

Well, you would have thought I told him to go to hell or something, because the stream of texts I got in return spoke to his need for control.

His texts were down-right cruel and despicable.

He wrote how I was a heartless and mean-spirited whore (all things he had told me while in the relationship) and that I never loved him, and if I had ever loved him, I would have picked up the phone. By not picking up the phone it was proof to him that I was a bad person. (See how fucked up and self-centered their logic is? I didn’t pick up the phone because I was setting boundaries, asshole!)

A week later, I called him. (I still didn’t realize what he was at that point. That came later.) I was concerned about his stability after those emotionally charged text messages. He picked up. I asked him if he was okay, and he actually apologized and said he wanted to be friends.

I hung up the phone feeling extremely relieved! I was thinking that all of my recent suspicions of him being a narcissist were completely off. Finally, I felt good about the end of it all and hoped he would find happiness with someone one day and maybe even have a child of his own to care for and love.

Fast forward one month. I became enemy #1 again because of a website and URL I owned that he wanted me to hand over to him. The site and domain name just so happened to be for his business. I had agreed to create a site for him while still in the relationship and had done all of the leg work and even created a landing page as a place holder instead of using the default page provided by the internet host provider.

He basically demanded that I hand over a site and domain name that I paid for with my money using my name during registration.

Hmmm? I said no. I said he could pay for the domain name and the site like everybody else. I’d be glad to put it up for auction for him.

Why did I say no? Well, just a few weeks before he had asked to be friends, remember? I remembered. So, as a friend, I thought he should have asked for the site and domain name in a nicer way, in a way that’s indicative of a friendship rather than a business transaction.

But asking to be treated like that was unacceptable. According to his sick mind, asking to be treated like that meant I was still interested in him and wanted to be with him. He just wanted the site and domain name and I wanted him. (Gag!)

Stubborn me, I refused to just hand it over to him until he asked nicer and with more respect. (Do you see how I was still trying to teach him how to treat people even outside the relationship? I was banging my head on the proverbial wall and didn’t realize it!)

And it continued. E-mail exchange after e-mail exchange, he could not understand why I expected him to treat me like a friend. He thought I wanted to hold on to the site and URL because I wanted a piece of him. He couldn’t see that I just wanted to be treated like I wasn’t some stranger to him.

Little did I realize that I was and had always been a strange stranger to him. But being the stubborn person I am, I fought to be treated differently.

I said to myself, “I am a human being, God dammit, and will be treated with respect! That prick needs to open his eyes. If he wants the domain name, he’s going to either ask nicer or he can pay for it!”

He never asked nicer. (Surprise! Surprise!) So, I threw it on GoDaddy auction with a starting bid of $250. (The minimum bid is $10, but I can be an asshole like the best of them when provoked.)

And that’s when World War III began and led me down a path of realization and acceptance. In a few short months, I eventually realized that the man I once knew was a boy and a complete sociopath. My suspicions were correct from the beginning.

Remember that these fools test our empathy without us realizing it. We react to them like healthy humans do when we happen upon wounded and pathetic creatures. Our healthy and caring reactions are met with disdain and hatred, and we just get screwed repeatedly for showing an ounce of concern for them. We finally react with equal amounts of hatred and disdain.

In hindsight, I see that I shouldn’t have battled this boy for as long as i did. He has no empathy or conscience and is not capable of understanding. Not capable!

I finally relinquished the site and domain name in late September 2012. It was becoming a black cloud over an otherwise bright and shining existence. Do you have any idea how good it felt to simply hit the “delete” button?  

And to think at one time I wished him the best in life.

Namaste!

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths
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Join the conversation! 25 Comments

  1. please refer your sociopath-ic friend to a doc. I won’t justify that person, but sociopath’s don’t have it any bit easier either. It would be kind of you, if you could realize it.

    truly sorry for how it’s been for you guys.
    -sociopath

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    • Hmmm? I think our kindness is what caused the pain in the first place. It would be kinder of you if you realized THAT. Sociopaths get zero sympathy from me. If you know what you do hurts others, why not stay away from people (or at least limit your interactions) and stop asking us to pity you. Create a foundation to help the victims if you REALLY are sorry. Volunteer to be a guinea pig at NIH. There are a million things you could be doing besides coming to this site begging for mercy from those who have never and will never receive any from people like you.

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  2. Wow. You continue to strike a familiar chord with your writings. She did the same thing to me. Even her texts were manipulations — that because I ended things with her that I was “cruel”, despite the reasons I ended things with her were largely because of her lies and manipulations. And she then threw all kinds of nasty accusations at me. I was a horrid person. Immature. Cruel. A liar (me???). And I then merely said, well, if I’m all you say I am, why do you still want me? Her answer, “PROVE ME WRONG!” (about what she was saying about me). LOL. As if life worked that way. Yes, your writings sound so familiar to me.

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    • Oh, yes! Even before I left, I would ask him why he wanted me. I really couldn’t understand the abusive attacks one minute and the loving endearments the next. I was utterly confused, off balance and desperate to understand. He would simply come back with comments like I needed help and that he would help me get help. Help me? He only hindered me and pushed me deeper into depression. Leaving was the beginning to uncovering the answers behind his behavior, because i was able to finally focus on and analyze my behavior outside of him. How ironic!! 🙂

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    • Yes, I know this reaction well. I got it too. Vicious, libelous attacks, followed by missives about love. Yes, the carrot and stick. It didn’t work. I saw through it immediately. And I got this too — never even one IOTA of remorse for the vicious things she did to me and lies she said about me. Never. Sociopaths never take personal responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault. To “her”, her pain was license to do whatever she wanted. She was never at fault, and always the victim.

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    • I hope you are proud of yourself for having seen through it so quickly. I kept believing it was me to blame for how he treated me. I realize now that I may not have been perfect, but I certainly wasn’t the monster he wanted to convince me I was. He’s been through numerous relationships since I left and lost more friends. My recent history is quite the opposite. That also provides me with
      more validation. Real monsters eventually end up alone. Time will tell. 🙂

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    • I saw signs of it for more than a year, but kind of ignored them. After I broke up with her, her true character came more clearly into focus for me. I didn’t realize she was a “sociopath” until I read things on the subject after the fact. But I knew that how she was treating me, how she dealt with conflict, and her inability to take personal responsibility for her actions and choices was more than a red flag. It was a deal-breaker.

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    • That’s exactly how I finally determined what had been such a puzzle to me in the relationship. And even after reading and checking off the traits, I still denied I had been duped by a sociopath. Who wants to believe such a thing or admit to it and then have people accuse you of blaming everything that happened on the other person? Well, I don’t blame EVERYTHING on him. Hehe!

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    • I feel totally duped. And mad at myself for BEING duped. But at least I figured out who she was before I blew up my entire life for her. Thank God. I dodged a bullet. And to this day, more than 20 months since I terminated things with her, she still won’t leave me alone. Her ego cannot accept that I walked away from her. She is a sociopath. A bunny-boiler. A psycho. They come in both genders.

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    • Absolutely! Jodi Arias comes to mind. She’s no more borderline than my ex. She is a cluster fuck of borderline PD, narcissistic PD, histrionic PD and anti-social PD traits. A Cluster B cluster fuck which to me equals Psychopath, just like my ex and probably yours, too.

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    • Don’t be hard on yourself. True sociopaths are often very good at what they do — and they often carry things off with such charm and panache, that people get easily fooled. I have someone I work with now like that. I see people get sucked in constantly by this lying narcissist constantly. It’s all about control. Using people for their own purposes. They are so good at manipulating people that you end up questioning yourself. I’m already a suspicious person by nature, and now, after all this? I’m even more so.

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    • In my workplace is where I test what I have learned. It’s empowering to be able to spot the behavior and not get upset about it. I just try to be emotionless toward sociopathic behavior, and the only way to be emotionless is to remove myself from the situation. It’s difficult to tell someone how I really feel about their manipulations, but I’m learning to hold my tongue and not outwardly react. It’s a trigger sometimes. Brings back a past I’d rather forget. But forgetting is asking a little too much, I guess. 🙂

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  3. The father messed with my head like this my entire life, it’s awful as you know xo

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  4. I think I got stuck in playing the game with him. So stuck with it, it became my life.Well pretty much it was. Then I realised that I would never be able to move on. I am a great believe that a relationship will stay around until each has learned what they have to from the other.

    We split in July 12 because of his sociopathic behaviour, but continued to learn from each other until just recently – but — well there is no friendship when you cannot trust somebody – and I couldn’t trust him. But…. I have met worse- his lies were the worst… somewhere he has something good inside of him.Or am I deluded? 🙂 Sociopathy is a disability – the way that they keep repeating the same behaviour it really is crazy 🙂

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    • You are NOT deluded. It’s a normal and healthy hope to think there is good in everyone. But they are neither normal or healthy. Goodness is a sustainable quality. It can’t be measured by individual acts. They try to do that. They don’t understand that helping an old lady across the street just to look like you’re good isn’t being good. Helping an old lady across the street because you are concerned for her safety and don’t trust the traffic is good. 🙂

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    • Lol that made me smile Paula!! That is a great way of putting it!! 🙂 Love that analogy!!

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  5. I finally learned my lesson when the ex asked me to exchange the vehicle that I got in the divorce, but he was still making payments on (it was the family car…since I had the kids, it made sense that it went to me…anyhoo). He offered to exchange it for another vehicle, that was paid for and in good condition. Like an idiot, I agreed. My first red flag was about a month before the exchange was going to take place and the insurance company called MY phone looking for “(new) Mrs. Ex” in regards to a recent car accident. The second red flag was when he finally dropped the new vehicle off: the interior lights didn’t work properly so night driving was impossible because I either had to turn the lights all the way on or all the way off. The cup holders were sticky with something gross that I was not interested in finding out what it was. Within three days, I could tell there was a major problem with the radiator. Within two months, the vehicle had a complete engine crack and became inoperable. Sadly, or rather, luckily for him, he was out of the country by then so there was absolutely no recourse. But, while I sat in that vehicle cry-laughing (you know when that epiphany finally hits you), I realized that I was set up, completely, that, indeed, what he did was not out of some friendship that he claimed (he claimed that it would be more affordable for me and the kids), he just wanted what he felt was “his” vehicle and he did not care that his actions in giving me the POS would actually hurt his kids, not just me. It was about this time that I started my journey of discovery about sociopaths and narcissists.

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    • I love this and hate this story at the same time. I love it because it further ilustrates the point of my post, but I absolutely hate it because you had to live this! I know the cry-laughing experience all too well. And it takes so many of these incidents before we finally realize that these fools are not worthy of having other people in their lives. They are selfish, smug, dark princes who never understand the meaning of life and relationships. 😦

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  6. Yo, Paula, can you message me your email on my page, please? Thanks!

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  7. so true about playing on our empathy! They are so good at it!

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  8. Lol – your a lot kinder than I was – at one point I told him I wished him to suffer 10xs worse than I ever had. It’s incredibly ironic how articles are coinciding with the day, I am having!!!! Thank you again!

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    • I was kind in the beginning. Trust me! I eventually told him I wished he and his entire family (including his Shih-Tzu) would die and be wiped from the planet. Haha!

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