informed-consent and the sociopath's fantasy

informed-consent and the sociopath's fantasy

We tend to give the sociopath too much credit, don’t you think?

All of the behaviors and traits that help us to identify a narcissistic sociopath are their default behaviors. These are not behaviors he had to learn or improve upon. They are behaviors that are inbred and standard for these fools.

A narcissistic sociopath is no more aware of what he does and how he affects people than a rock is aware of the stream rushing by or the frogs and birds and other creatures that use its surface over time.

I do not believe that the narcissistic sociopath awakens each morning and thinks about the people he will destroy. I do not believe he thinks about people much at all. For that matter, I don’t believe the sociopath thinks. Period.

“Thinking–the talking of the soul with itself.” ~Plato (See! Even Plato would agree these fools have no soul.)

A narcissistic sociopath just is. He is an unchanging, unfeeling, unemotional blob of flesh that happens to resemble a human on the surface. (I’d prefer not to think about what his mangled insides must resemble.)

The non-thinking sociopath doesn’t allow anything to worry him. Why? He has no conscience. It is the conscience that throws the rest of us into states of panick, states of joy, and states of calm acceptance.

How lucky and fortunate we are!

The narcissistic sociopath feels none of these things. (Isn’t that sad? But just don’t pity him, okay? That’s why you were stuck in the mess to begin with, remember?)

Although the narcissistic sociopath feels nothing, he sees everything and focuses on those things that are bright and shiny, which are the very things he wants and covets. More often than not, those bright and shiny things are humans.

We repeatedly read and are reminded that the narcissistic sociopath’s goal is to break people and make them weak and vulnerable, especially in romantic relationships.

However, I don’t think sociopaths are goal-oriented nor aware of anything outside of their egocentric microcosm. If someone directed them to destroy Jane for example, the sociopath would simply walk away from Jane thinking that act would destroy her because the sociopath was no longer in her life. (Absurd!)

So, no, I do not believe a sociopath seeks to break the ones they claim to love so much. Why do you think they act so surprised when we accuse them of hurting us on purpose!??

If we are broken as a result of our relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, we must be prepared to take full responsiblity, suck it up and own 100% of the blame.

The male sociopath is focused on acquisitions. He wants stuff, especially nice stuff. Time and time again, the sociopath will select a “trophy” female, a woman with high-achieving ambitions, with often higher morals and put her on a pedestal. She is his perfect shiny and new thing.

But no one is perfect. And once the trophy starts behaving imperfectly, the sociopath gets pissed (he can’t help himself) and can only focus on the fact his image of the trophy keeps getting shattered because the trophy keeps screwing up. (It’s all your fault, remember?)

The sociopath blasts the trophy for not living up to what he expected and wanted the trophy to look like, act like and stand for. And with each attack, the trophy crumbles and becomes even less perfect and confident, giving the sociopath unending reasons to be angry and blast and attack a little more.

By the time the sociopath discards the trophy, it’s clear to the sociopath that the trophy he once idolized, ruined itself and failed the sociopath. It’s not the sociopath’s fault he had to discard the trophy! It’s the trophy’s fault for having deceived the sociopath into making him think the trophy was perfect and shiny in the first place. (How dare you?!?)

Accepting this is vital for your inner peace, because the sociopath will never consent to agreeing that his behavior was unprovoked. You caused him to behave the way he did. He was just reacting to your bad behavior.

What does your bad behavior boil down to?

For starters, you stomped on the sociopath’s fantasy, a fantasy you didn’t even know existed; You ruined his fairy tale, a fairy tale you didn’t realize he wrote; and most of all, you squashed his delusions, delusions of the perfect you he expected and wanted you to be. (You sinner!)

But honestly, how were you supposed to know he was a 6-year-old trapped in a man’s body?

Give yourself a break and accept the sociopath for what he is. He couldn’t help himself. His nature is to destroy people, and he doesn’t even know it. He deserves no forgiveness (he did nothing wrong in his eyes) and no more of your time.

Namaste!
~Paula

Image source

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Health, Humor, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Social Studies, Sociopaths, Spirituality
Tags:
, ,

Join the conversation! 26 Comments

  1. Great writing and right on, per usual. Shared on my facebook page. Is that a penis in one of the drawings?, hehe. Lynna

    Like

    • I think it just might be a penis. Hehe! ❤

      Like

    • Thank you, Paula! I have read many articles and blogs about Borderline men. I was recently bamboozled by one of these wolves. He absolutely has shades of being sociopathic and narcissist. So much of what you write hits the nail on the head. When I have more strength, I will write my story, complete with the red flags that I missed. I feel better when I read that I am not alone! Sometimes the best recovery is breaking your isolation.

      Like

    • I agree, Ellen Marie. But isolation is natural for those of us who find ourselves aching and hurting and who also care about how our broken-ness might negatively impact others. We don’t wish for our dark mood to be anyone else’s burden. 🙂

      Like

  2. Thank you Paula for starting this blog. I’m not sure how I would get any consistent strength without your words. I’m still reeling from my last encounter with my sociopath/ abuser. After a year with him I was finally able to cut free from him and he was already setting up a coffee date with another woman. I am a sociopath’s dream. I fell for his acts of desperation and loneliness when his new girl friend was doing things to “hurt him”.
    He called me his best friend and I was “his person”. He had no one but me. Would I let him come over and just renew our friendship. Round three. I did allow it. I kept it non physical and I was dating someone but he was ok with it as long as he could remain my friend. By the fourth week of seeing him everyday he told me he loved me as always and he wanted me to consider giving him another chance. I ended my good relationship and within 2 weeks he was gone. Back to his other gf . He blamed me and said I appeared to not want him to come over that last weekend by the messages I left for him. Messages that said ” it is apparent I will not see you this weekend Steve bc you have made no attempt to see me all day”. I know now that I was a pawn. He wanted his other GF to be jealous about me and it worked and she took him back.
    My question to all is when will I heal? I lost my husband and the greatest love I’ve ever had when he died of colon cancer in 2003 at the age of 51. Why am I able to accept his passing and yet I mourn for what I don’t have with a cold blooded sociopath.

    Like

    • Barbara, I am so sorry. It’s much easier to mourn a person we will never have a chance to hold or see or smell again, because we understand death when a person stops breathing. A sociopath makes us dead to him first, and then we must, somehow, convince ourselves that the sociopath is also dead to us, despite the reality that he continues to suck in the same oxygen we breathe. It’s difficult to wrap our heads around this type of death. We can’t accept the idea of not mattering to a person who professed his undying love to us. They are disordered and we become disordered when in their sphere of influence. Once outside of it, we begin to breathe and feel again. But jumping off the sociopath’s planet seems daunting, doesn’t it? It was so much nicer believing all those lovely words were real, wasn’t it? They weren’t. Why not start complementing yourself with your own words and your own voice? With compassion, tell yourself how amazing and wonderful you are. Keep telling yourself, like a mantra.

      Like

  3. Paula this blog spot on.Woman my ex sociopath been with 8 years is a ‘saint’.He talks of her ‘shining her light on him’ so cheesy and she’s more intelligent another Actuary and got into a higher university so he adores her.He talks of how amazing she is (and she’s a doormat to all his rubbish/unfaithful ess/moving to different city etc.) If he loves her so why can’t he not cheat?He believes its not cheating as he breaks up with her every 6 months sleeps with new victim or three then gets back with her.Repeat.

    Monogamy is not natural apparently but she has to be he doesn’t.Right;)

    Like

  4. May I just say…this is dead on! good lord man!

    Like

  5. This is brilliant writing, thank you. It’s too easy for us to anthropomorphise these beings as we struggle to come to terms with their impact upon us. Really, though, although fear is a perfectly sane and rational response, equally so is pity. And if we weren’t pretty cool individuals then presumably we’d never have been of use to them. So go us! Love to all. X

    Like

  6. Six years old? Oh, Paula you have given them far too much credit. More like stuck in the terrible two’s!!!
    😉

    ivonne

    Like

  7. This is almost exactly, word for word, what I have been muddling on in my private journals. I noted early on in my relationship with my N that he kept me up on an impossibly high pedestal and once I fell, he made it impossible for me to ever climb back. It took me a few years, but I eventually figured out that it was all a trap, maybe not purposeful, but a trap nonetheless. When I got tired of skirting his emotional landmines, he was surprised. I was relieved. But it’s only been very recently that I began to understand, that with him, his natural state of being was a feature that he was born with, not a flaw that could be fixed…ever.

    Like

    • It’s almost too simple to believe, isn’t it? We refused to accept him for what he was thinking he was like the rest of the “normal” population that grows and learns and acts human. Hehe!

      Like

  8. I asked my 12 year old daughter today, “Why does daddy hate me so bad? (She knows I don’t hate him, nor am I angry with him.) With out a second, she looks at me and says “Mama, you are the only person who tells him No, nobody tells daddy no, mama” Inappropriate I ask her, probably, but I don’t know him anymore than I know the guy I buy gas from once a week. I just never saw the situation so simply – especially when your in the thick of it for so many years – it’s hard to step back and evaluate what the heck is really going on. Thank you for this – today!

    Like

    • Kids are so smart and insightful!! And it’s impossible to know a person who doesn’t even know or understand himself. It’s not just our human qualities they disrespect. They can’t even respect and acknowledge themselves. 🙂

      Like

  9. Blob!! What else can anyone possibly do with a blob of nothingness disquised as a human? This is so well written, Paula, and so very accurate. We know about consequences for actions because we are thinking, feeling, loving people so we think the sociopath must know too…when I finally realized that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and that he will never ever get it, I was able to walk away, taking my soul with me – the one thing he thankfully never could destroy. I am not a shiny thing, with the name of “baby” (he never used my name, even!) I have a name and a soul and a heart that is slowly, slowly, healing. 🙂

    Like

    • Haha! I would have preferred “Baby” over being called “Pumpkin” any day! Can you imagine? Every time I heard it I thought of Cinderella and her fairy godmother. I guess it helped him foster his fantasy in his mind. It just left me confused and hating the color orange. 🙂

      Like

    • Oh! What about Sugar Pop – said especially loud in a coffee shop full of people… And I got pumpkin too, and little kitten and several other infantalizing labels. I can see why you might not like orange anymore. Or Cinderella and that asshole, the prince! Uuggh!
      🙂

      Like

    • These fools make it harder for good men to even want to be endearing to us for fear we’ll accuse them of being pathological! Sugar Pop! OMG! Haha!

      Like

    • My ex called me “Baby” , I was taken back at first, it sounded so cheesy but I didn’t listen to my gut and it started to feel nice to be called an endearing name. THEN I heard him on the phone saying, ” Ok Baby call you later”. I asked him who he was taken

      Like

    • “Baby” was what he called every woman he wanted something from. 😦

      Like

    • I got darling. I once asked him why he never said my name. I can’t remember what he mumbled. Something lame that I accepted, although i do remember feeling a moment of “thats weird”. The only time he ever used my name was in the last nasty email he wrote after a very dramatic discard. Then i never heard from him again… (5 weeks ago)

      Like

    • Oh, wow…over the last 21 years I wondered why he almost never used my name. He used it so rarely that when he did, it was jarring. I’ve noticed that for years. I’ve been “honey” for almost all my marriage. I called him that too, but not exclusively.

      Once he started having his affair, he started using my name. Of course, he hadn’t used “honey” very much in the last few years either. Well, I was also “worthless” and “useless” too.

      Like

  10. […] He could never be the one I have to let go. He was never really there. […]

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: