Can you handle the truth of a sociopath's rage?“Anger cannot be dishonest.” ― Marcus Aurelius

We all have come to believe and realize that a narcissistic sociopath is not capable of telling the truth. Surprisingly and unfortunately, the only time we hear the truth from the sociopath’s mouth is when a sociopath is in a full-on rage, in a fit of absolute anger.

Everything he spews at you in these moments is how he really feels. Rage is the only way he can express himself with any realism or clarity, even though it seems less clear to us and more like a big old chaotic nightmare spilling at our feet.

If we can remember and/or recall this about the sociopath, the truth becomes clearer and easier to accept.

Is it our fault that the sociopath suffered in childhood (or whenever) and that’s why she yells and screams and rages at you? Is it our fault that the sociopath didn’t learn how to self-soothe as a child beyond yelling, screaming and blaming others? Should we feel responsible for fixing these flaws and teaching the sociopath how to behave normally?

No, no, and hell no!

Should we make every attempt to get away from the out-of-control rages and anger inflicted upon us by the sociopath?

Absolutely!

All the yelling and hatred the sociopath throws at us serves only to traumatise our delicate senses, leaving two victims in anger’s wake.

Healthy people understand the value in self-soothing. We started doing it as children when our parents told us to go to our rooms and think about what we did. We know that sitting alone listening to our own voices and understanding our own tears, fears and frustrations is the only way to learn, grow and become a better and more independent person.

The sociopath doesn’t understand this simple exercise. He has no idea what self-soothe means or he wouldn’t keep screaming at us when we make a mistake or behave inappropriately (and we all misbehave sometimes. No one is perfect!). If he understood self-soothing, he would allow us to go off and think about our behavior in silent meditation. He wouldn’t incessantly berate and judge and point his nasty finger in our faces in hopes of shaming and belittling us.

The goal of a sociopath’s anger isn’t to help us; it’s to hurt us. That’s the truth we must accept.

Does being that angry make any sense to you? Does prohibiting us from self-soothing make any sense to you?
 
It never made a bit of sense to me.

Does repeatedly telling a person how bad and how irresponsible they are solve anything in anyone’s life?

It certainly didn’t encourage me or motivate me to act and better myself. All it did was push me into a state of depression and self-loathing.

Who can accomplish anything in a state of despair?

Not me and probably not you, either.

And the reason we allowed the words of the sociopath to affect us, control us and send us so very, very low is because we were told by the sociopath that he loved us, needed us and would die if left without us.

What a nasty trick to play on someone, huh? Telling someone you love them when you have no clue what love means. Pfft!

Don’t ignore the sociopath’s anger or make excuses for the anger. See it for the reality that it is and see that it can harm you in many, many ways.

Anger is violent, controlling and leads to violent acts. Anger is incredibly insidious and can infest our pain, leading us to commit hurtful and violent acts we otherwise would never dream of committing.

We will NEVER beat the sociopath at being angry because our truth isn’t as ugly and as pathetic as his. The sociopath’s anger is more powerful than the energy from all of the stars combined. Let him self-implode since he can’t self-soothe.

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 38 Comments

  1. Empty shells; perpetually bored to death and driven to cause chaos and drama wherever they go; Manipulating, cunning and calculating to ensure their need for dominance and control is perpetually met; a shallow set of emotions with rage and jealousy with being paramount; having to wear a mask so tightly all the time and be ‘on’; A perpetually changing identity based on the mirroring of their current appetizer/entrée etc etc.. In essence, being a prisoner of their biological circuitry and perhaps environmental abuse, neglect and abandonment…These ‘monsters’ don’t quite deserve our pity for all the damage they cause but they are rather pitiable and pathetic…A grand thanks to all the sociopaths out there…I have never been prouder to be a happy, fulfilled, sensitive, feeling empath!!! They chose you because you can feel! Be proud that you can….you can feel the depth of the despair they cause and the joy and fulfillment you all deserve to feel….This is a gift they can never EVER take away from you…One they can never ever have and have to feign for the rest of their miserable days on this earth. Just be happy that isn’t your destiny…Be strong and carry on. Let this experience tighten whatever loose ends you may have that may have that allowed this predator to get in. Strengthen your boundaries and love those who are worthy of your big heart. G-d bless and move on stronger than ever!

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  2. All ‘sociopaths’ vary. There is one common modes operandi and that is harassment, control, fear aggression and smear campaigns.

    Malicious Opportunist Awareness is a page on FB that is informative.

    Thank you for helping to spread awareness.

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  3. I am a diagnosed sociopath. At only 24 years old, I believe I’ve come a long way in trying not to behave in the way I see in all these articles. They read like shame-pieces. A bunch of people who were hurt by someone who just happened to be a sociopath. I’ve had enough.

    I have watched “normal” people behave the same way, some even MORE monstrously than the behaviors I’ve read about you poor people experiencing on sites like these. The most heinous lies, horror stories of master manipulations (withholding sex for the “power” in a relationship, seriously ladies?). The only difference I see is regular people are just capable of feeling abhorrent about what they’ve done. I’ve literally HEARD people say “I just don’t know HOW I could have done that, its SO not me!”

    I’ll admit, I’m pissed. I’m just tired of being labelled as the scum of society. The kind of person who just ISN’T capable of treating people civilly. All of you people running around because you got hurt, calling us monster’s just because we don’t feel bad about it. Guess what? We don’t feel guilt. But we are certainly capable of other negative feelings; depression, loneliness.

    While its certainly true we are just CHRONIC liars, that we manipulate people to get what we want, and we don’t feel even a bit bad about it, some of us have learned what my psychologist refers to as ‘false’ emotions; basically forcing ourselves to react the way normal people do to emotions like guilt or responsibility. I guess what I’m trying to say is, ease off. Understand that guilt ridden people such as yourselves are just as capable and certainly do behave just as monstrously as us sociopaths. Forgive that ‘psycho’ you were with and were to afraid to break up with, because it wasn’t they’re fault.

    We didn’t choose to be the monsters, we were made that way.

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    • And none of us chose to be your victims. So take your pity party and shame game somewhere else. Normal, non-sociopath people react ugly to ugly abuses against them by people like you. So deal with it, and if you can’t and don’t like being called a monster, stop reading the truth about how your actions are interpreted and try living alone and away from others whom you will potentially harm, you big baby.

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    • You were not born that way. God gave every single last one of us on a earth a conscience but sociopaths CHOOSE and I will say it again CHOOSE to not have guilt, empathy, and remorse.

      Sociopaths choose to follow their Father Satan the Devil. Sociopaths are truly Satanic people who are out to damage humanity. You all know right from wrong but sociopaths don’t choose to do it because they are pure evil.

      To maliciously and intentionally hurt someone who has been kind to the sociopathic person is truly the scum of the earth. What all of us do in life is a choice and sociopaths choose to do evil. Please remember this: You will reap what you sow. Sociopaths always have a terrible ending!

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    • Would you agree with idea that these people, these souls, are somehow possessed? And that they attempt to possess and take over the souls of their victims and those in their sphere of influence. It simply does not seem to me that a person with an unobstructed conscience, in influenced by some outside force COULD choose NOT to use their conscience.

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    • First I want to say Thank You for writing about this subject because it is really eye opening.Well, I feel like this: The individual knows what they’re doing is wrong and the person does have a conscience but their conscience is seared. I am going state first that I am a true believer in God and Jesus Christ and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if the empty sociopathic person knows that they are clearly ruining the lives of others and know that it’s wrong and know that they are doing the will of Satan if that person truly values their lives and want to change they can go to God in prayer and ask for deliverance and he will do it because he has done it the lives of others who were like that.

      I know with the intelligence that the sociopaths even though a lot of them are reckless they know what they’re doing is wrong. A person can be influence by Satan but they can still choose to want to be delivered or not. I can clearly look back in my life and see where Satan was using me as his vessel but I came to a realization the way I was living was wrong and it would eventually send to me to Hell if I wouldn’t change so I cried out to God desperately and asked him and Jesus to change me and they did. I’m not a perfect individual because I’m constantly making mistakes but I know right from wrong and so does the sociopath but it’s up to me.What Do I want to choose?…..Do I want to choose to do right or do I want to choose to do wrong? I have to make the choice and so does the sociopath.

      I’m going to say this: I have been burned by the sociopath such as by my Boss on my job who caused me to go out on disability because of the mental stress and turmoil that I went through because of the TRULY EVIL things she did to make me to make my life miserable on the job. Why? It wasn’t because I wasn’t a good worker because I was a good worker and (I’m not saying that with arrogance or pride)and employees complemented me on that as well as other Managers because I worked in a Hospital….BUT she launched these attacks on me because I refused to be her personal doormat. The main reason why she was after me and it was the same reason other sociopaths go after other people it was because she wanted “my mind.” When I mean by “my mind” she wanted to control me in every aspect of my life. She didn’t want me to think for myself and she wanted to manipulate and use me. That is all a sociopath wants from people is their mind because once you got a persons mind everything else comes along with it. Which clearly shows me these people are TRULY vessels of Satan. Literally. In order for a person to do the evil stuff to people they do, a person would have to be influenced by the Devil to do the stuff that they do. Immediately my Boss as one example but I have them in my family as well as other people I know and let me tell you: The stuff that they do to people is PURE and I mean P-U-R-E EVIL! The stuff they think of in their minds is truly demonically influenced. I know I have to pray and ask God to help me to forgive these people but These people truly need to be thrown into the Lake of Fire and in to the worst levels of Hell!

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    • I absolutely agree with what you are saying. They demand and need to control our minds. I personally experienced an exorcism 12 months after escaping the sociopath whom I detail in my book. It took me 12 months to release the negative and destructive imprint he left upon my soul. My exorcism was ugly and nearly killed me. But I do not believe I would be where I am today if I hadn’t experienced the violence of the exorcism. I still struggle with determining when and how these people lose their souls to the devil. I’d rather believe it’s before they exit the womb. The devil sneaks in and over powers the soul at it’s most fragile and weakest…between the soul world and the waking world. It’s how I understand it. I think there are people who have been victims of these demonic beings who get sucked into the shadows but are able to escape through choice and will because part of them is still operating from the light, from their conscience. I just do not see these dark creatures capable of doing the same. To me, it seems the the possession (which I will call the sociopath) is vast and all the light of the conscience is in the shadows.

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    • You can’t justify it. You are a piece of shit and the world would be a better place if you were dead.

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  4. I’ve recently discovered that my long-distance bf of 8 months is a sociopath. Now that I know the ‘symptoms’ so many things make sense. His ex warned me that he is very controlling, manipulative and a compulsive liar. He blames me for things then expects me to apologise to him when he’s the one who has blanked me, given me the silent treatment for days. Nothing is ever his fault. The controlling aspect is quite terrifying – last weekend i went away for 2 days and didn’t have internet access. He sent me a few texts which I didn’t reply to. When I got back home I texted to say ‘hi. no internet access for 2 days’. He was furious with me…. then blocked me on Messenger so we couldn’t communicate. Told me I had ‘made him worry’ and made out he thought something had happened to me when in fact it was the lack of control that made him angry. He eventually told me ‘don’t do it again’. Yet he is capable of not replying to my texts for half a day or a day…

    He also withholds sex. I visit his country every few months to see him so sex is important when I’m there. He knows this. So as a control mechanism he makes up excuses not to have sex and tells me our relationship is about more than sex and do I really want him to just f***k me? He also uses being ill as a constant excuse for not meeting up.

    He claims he loves me and constantly wants me to stroke his ego. As we’re 6000 miles apart I did recently say that I want to Skype with him. Eventually he agreed then told me he hadn’t done so earlier because he doesn’t like anyone controlling him… FFS, surely it’s normal in a relationship to want contact.

    I’m not sure how much longer i can put up with his anger and controlling, manipulative behaviour. When he blocked me I was very upset and sent him a video message in tears, but he only gets angry with tears because he thinks they’re fake – his mother left him and his brother when he was a child and because she cried he believes that people cry when they are faking it. They are all mind f***s, these guys…

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    • They have an excuse for everything if we don’t give them an excuse and forgive their crappy behavior. Using our intuition and not being guilty for calling a spade a spade…gotta save our love and care for those who don’t hurt us. 🙂

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  5. In our current lives, whether we are a sociopath or a normal one, we all perceive experiences differently. Knowing that someone is a sociopath is not determined by a feeling that someone has towards another. You are all a bunch of ruminating ex girlfriends who got duped and labeling the people you got discarded by as a sociopath is doing an injustice to everyone involved. Calling someone a sociopath is not a good idea, it is dangerous depending certain facts. Some sociopaths will not rage because you reveal them and some will. Either way, I do not believe you are in a position to diagnose one, it is obvious by the way you write.
    Antisocial Personality is diagnosed by a qualified doctor and there is more involved than just knowing someone lies or snaps a rage. I am not sure whether I am a sociopath, the only reason I wouldn’t be is because I love animals more than humans and I would never hurt an animal.
    I am almost certain I have a sociopathic mother and that is because in have had a long time to observe her. My brother is also sociopathic and used to beat the daylight out of me as a kid. I would be covered in bruises and my mother never cares that he would hurt me. Once, he put the cat under the cushion of the couch and then he sat on the cushion, sadly I watched him suffocate it. My mother never did care, she was always stone cold. These are behaviors that are seen in a sociopath over time. They will always want pity and they get it from whatever their supply is at the time.
    My point is that the “sociopath” has to be observed over time to determine that he is a sociopath. Most likely if you have truly loved a sociopath, the rumination will last long time after they leave you in the dump. This is not what you want to hear but you have a fvcking choice and you need to learn how to make a decision. However difficult it is to accept that you may have been lied to, remember that you have also lied. If you were cheated on, that sucks but regular people cheat too. As for the rage, it is true that sociopaths can control their rage but it rare. It is true that a sociopathic rage is intense and the chopper of energy that swirls above their head radiates to all empaths.. Sorry, but its your choice to sit and take it. So sit and take it or leave, be glad you have a choice and get over the fact that you are just upset because you ended up alone. Just be happy you are not dead inside like them. Smile because you DO have a choice, they don’t. My sociopaths are blood related and its a mindfvck.
    It is true that the loyalty of a sociopath runs deep, at least from my perspective and I know some outside of my family. I will always want the sociopath on my side, I show the sociopaths in my life honor and respect and I know that no one will fvxk with me. I have learned a lot from sociopaths. They are not all bad. Please stop degrading them because that is the reason they are who they are. Please be careful if you are calling someone a sociopath and know some of them are forces of nature at certain times. If you really want to make a sociopath mad, like really mad…. stand by their door in the morning when they are just waking up and coming out of sleep, and make sure they know you are outside telling them just loud enough that you are going to make their day miserable, play a recording of them in a previous rage outside of their door so they just hear it and then somehow when they wake up you need to be right near them, even in the room close to the bed. They will most likely pounce on you, they will be something beyond fateful and you should have called for back up before you did that because you poured yourself that poison, or maybe I did….. but that’s like one of those don’t try this at home things if you are new to a sociopath. To piss them off just disarm them completely and attack like they do, with words. Take back your power and say exactly what they say to you. When they rage they are telling the truth about themselves to you. The rage is not the sociopaths true colors. They don’t see colors. The rage is their mirror so just look them in the eye stand up and you may have to growl but don’t subordinate to them. You are not dealing with a superhuman.

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    • I appreciate your feedback and comment. Everything is about choice. I’m choosing to let you know why I think your comments and advice are a little uninformed and contradictory and potentially dangerous for those who are still in a state of anger toward their abusers:

      You don’t believe individuals who have lived with these people over time are qualified to draw educated and informed conclusions as to whether their ex abuser is or is not a sociopath or pathological? Then you claim ONLY a qualified doctor can make such a diagnosis? Hmmm? Those are counter and contradictory because, doctors (MDs and PhDs) in the field are NOT specifically trained or qualified to make these diagnoses. In addition, many non-doctors in the field of mental health are being forced to decide upon a diagnosis after only knowing a patient from one visit. These clinicians, although certified,have received zero training on how to use the DSM-V to accurately and appropriately diagnose those with personality disorders and pathology. There are no genetic tests in existence that can detect a person who lacks a conscience, an ability to fully empathize or feel remorse. These can only be determined over time and who better to make that determination than those who have lived intimately with these people? A doctor gets the projections and lies. So you are basically saying, “Trust the pathological person and the therapist who diagnoses him/her!” Sorry, but that’s kind of why many of us remained stuck for so long. We relied on false or non-diagnoses of our tormentor and blamed ourselves for the abuse.

      None of us are whining ex girlfriends/boyfriends or ex friends or family members of these fools, for that matter. It’s not as if we each go through this and immediately come to the conclusion that our exes are sociopaths or narcissists. That couldn’t be further from reality. Most of us have had healthy, normal break ups over the years with proper closure and mutual understanding and respect. By contrast, when it comes to understanding the toxic relationship and all of its parts, many of us spend years making the “sociopath” determination, which is a just conclusion. It’s not as if we’re going around announcing it to every stranger or contacting employers of our exes to warn them. The only people we confide in are our families, friends and some of us let the sociopath know how we really feel…finally. Labeling these abusers serves us, no one else. It serves us in a self-preserving and self-protective manner. If we can finally accept what the person is, we can begin our healing and recovery journey with that as the foundation. We push blame to the back burner and begin working on our inner selves. Understanding our ex abuser becomes less of a focus. Understanding ourselves and our worth becomes our priority.

      And why on earth would any of us want to have a sociopath as an ally? Even if they are family members? Why would we want to anger them on purpose? That’s what they enjoy doing. Angering them just hurts us more. It’s not recommended nor is it preferred. Not engaging these people is THE ONLY way to escape the crazy-making life they choose to weave.

      So yes, we won’t try your tactics at home or anywhere else.

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  6. Now, let’s see this from a sociopath’s view, shall we?
    I’ve been reading countless of comments here saying: “My ex this, my ex that”. Let’s take all our subjective opinions and kick them into the dirt. Take the issue from a different point of view.

    Why does the sociopath rage? This seems to be the breaking point of this article.
    I, myself, have been diagnosed with APD (Antisocial Personality Disorder AKA Sociopathy) and this rage you speak of is a very, very rare thing. If it happens extremely often, then you’re dealing with a person with anger issues, not a sociopath.

    The way this article describes us is as follows: monsters who rage at you at the drop of a hat, who should be shunned and exterminated because we’ve been hurt by them.
    I think this is how Nazi Germany started: “a few people slighted us, and thus, all of them should be shunned and die.”

    I’ll take a step back from heavy metaphors and take this one step at a time, first up, the mask.
    When you realise you’re different, and your behaviour is not tolerated by society, you might start to think: “Could I make them think I’m normal?” And there you have it. We become people we are not, with lives that are not real. And that puts stress on us, this stress can cause cracks in the identity mask we create.
    But stress alone doesn’t create violent outbursts, does it? Not to mention, rage puts attention on us, it’ll be ‘off’ compared to our usual behaviour, and breaks our mask.
    No, a lack of certain emotions is also involved.

    Many say that we don’t feel, we certainly do feel, just not the way you do. We feel standard things like anger, contempt, depression. But emotions such as love are foreign to us. Telling us to try to understand love is like trying to tell a blind man to see the colour red. It’s impossible, no matter how hard we try, and worse of all, you rub it in our faces by asking us to do so. Every sociopath, at some point, realises that no matter with how many people he surrounds himself, he is ultimately alone. This envy of your love, or whatever, makes us simply jealous of you. We don’t see the lack of conscience as special, because it is our norm. We want what you have, and that makes us angry.
    But not angry enough to rage.

    I also wanted to adress this “self-soothing” mojo I saw in the article. As is explained, when being caught lieing, a child would be sent to his room to reflect on his actions, initiating a sort of moral compass.
    We don’t have the means to create such a compass, instead of learning self soothing, we learn how to lie better so we don’t get punished. This adds to our jealousy of normal people, you are able to push your emotions away for a moment, we are not. If it hits us, it hits like a tsunami.

    Which brings me to the actual raging part.
    While sociopaths lack conscience, we do have a sense of justice, twisted as it may be. When we see injustice, we get angry, very very angry. And we can not stop it. We rage. Our mask breaks and our true selves come out. And it is a nightmare, but to a true sociopath, it’s like a breath of fresh air. You’ve all worn a mask before, and you know how suffocating it can be, imagine wearing one for years, if not for life. There are sociopaths who become addicted to this fresh breath, and they can’t stop. These are the ever-raging exes, not all of us are like that.

    But let me ask you this, if you cut us, do we not bleed?
    Should we truly be destroyed just because one of us hurt you, do you truly think this is what we wanted, that we chose this fate?
    We should not be hated, or despised.
    We should be pitied.
    For we are the Monsters in the age of Man.

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    • Frost,

      The rage came from the sociopath’s panic of being exposed. Toward the end of my relationship is when I was raged upon, when I was questioning him and not believing his lies and could see through his manipulations.

      I don’t believe a true sociopath has any regrets or wishes he were like us. I do, however, agree with what you note about the relief they feel once the mask slips or is ripped off. I imagine a boiling over effect and what must be painful not being able to act as your true nature dictates.

      I, personally, do not have the time or patience to deal with disrespectful, conscienceless and hateful people in my life. I will eliminate sociopaths and those who exhibit sociopathic behavior from my life every chance I get. My pity is now reserved for people who are like me, who have the capacity to be accountable, to change and to cause NO harm.

      If you have to think too much before you act because you’re worried about hurting someone and being exposed as an asshole, you’re not someone I plan to invite into my life.

      ~Paula

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    • Dear Paula,

      I, too, have experienced a sociopathic rage, and it felt strangely freeing. I was not in a situation where my true self would be exposed, instead, the rage itself exposed me. I was sent to a psychiatrist due to some things I said and some actions I took during that rage, which led to my diagnosis of APD.

      Not many sociopaths are willing to say what they truly are, it would be deliberatly exposing ourselves, which seems like a stupid idea. Then again, if no sociopath is willing to offer their point of view, then all sociopaths will be demonized by society.
      The same day of my diagnosis, I experienced what my psychiatrist calls a “Sociopathic Depression”. It’s basically a ten minute revelation in silence as you realise that you will never be able to experience what others experience, such as love, affection, etc. Maybe a perfect sociopath doesn’t experience such a regret, maybe I’m not a perfect sociopath. But a perfect sociopath is, as the title explains, the perfect one, one who will never be exposed. It could be a family member, a good friend, a lover, and you’d never know it.

      Recent studies show that one in twenty five people are sociopaths. Let that sink in for a minute.
      One in twenty five… If you know 150 people, that makes for six sociopaths (give or take). We’re everywhere, and most of us never get exposed. But that’s because most of us are fine with leading a fake life with minimal amounts of lieing to maintain said fake life. We’re not all out to hurt others just because we’re sociopaths. It’s just an unfortunate result from whatever makes us what we are. But whatever we do, we’re still good at hiding, because there is no nation-wide witch hunt on us. You need us, we can make impossible decisions for anyone with anything close to resembling a moral compass. Bank directors, generals, even people in the goverment, all these jobs require you to set your morality aside and look at things as they are, without conscience. It requires people who can make the decisions that will ruin thousands of households, destroy family companies and at times, get people killed. It requires sociopaths.

      Now for your condemnation of sociopaths. Back to metaphors.
      Have you ever seen a kitten play with a prey before eating it? Have you ever seen a bird peck at a snail and throw it around before eating it?
      Of course the kitten is innocent, it’s in its nature to do that, regardless of how much suffering that prey is in. You don’t blame the kitten for doing so, but you blame us for doing as our nature dictates? Who are you to judge us, you are not one of us, you don’t know what it’s like to be like us.

      Sure, I can understand that your experience with us is less than satisfactory, but don’t demonize us all. There are good sociopaths, the loyal husband, the loving wife, the smiling grandparent or crying child. Any of them could be a sociopath, but you’ll never know, because they are contend with leading the life they created.

      And if you truly gain the loyalty of a sociopath, you have a friend or lover for life.

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    • Frost — The harm that sociopaths do to good people is unconscionable. Many of us were kind and loving toward people who turned out to be sociopaths. As we realized the depth of mistreatment from them and decided we didn’t want to spend our lives with those who enjoy hurting others, we face a choice to either leave the relationship or have our lives further destroyed. My ex did a major smear campaign against me when I told him I could not be in a toxic relationship. Instead of him accepting my decision to take care of myself, he became angry and vengeful. No normal person can for long tolerate ongoing abuse once they realize what is happening to them. Sociopaths refuse to operate from a position of decency. We who are normal are not responsible for their behaviors and we have every right to save our lives. Let sociopaths pity themselves if they want. No one likes to be mistreated, manipulated and exploited and then expected to turn a blind eye to all of this. We all have limitations. To expect normal people to sacrifice their sanity to sociopaths is unrealistic and unkind. We didn’t cause their problem, so we should not have to keep suffering the consequences from sociopathic behaviors that are anti-human.

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  7. For the past year I’ve been trying to figure out what was wrong with my ex. She was my first (and definitely my last) experience with a lesbian relationship. In the beginning I kept some things from her that effected us both and I thought that maybe this was the reason behind her evil ways. Nothing was ever enough for her. Ever! I was cut off from all my friends and family. I distanced myself because of her crazy behavior and the embarrassment. She belittled me in every way in front of anyone. I lost my home due to her public outburst. She controlled everything. She picked me up from work dropped me off everywhere I had to go because she needed to use my car at all times. She found flaws in everyone close to me. Eventually her behavior even threaten my job. In the mist of fights, generally started by her tantrums, she always tell me she was cheating, she pointed out my flaws, called me stupid. And in within ten minutes she would try and force sex on my or apologize for her outburst and violent ibehavior because of my “shortcomings”. When I finally left she pleaded with me to think about the good times and how everything wasn’t bad, threatened to kill herself got angry with me. Its been a week and I haven’t responded to any texts or calls. This by far has been the most dramatic relationship in my life. Most people don’t focuse on female sociopaths and because of this I wonder if she is one.

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    • Nada,

      Thank you for sharing. Everything on this blog and others like it can easily be applied when attempting to identify and deal with female sociopaths. Unfortunately, few “victims” of females sociopaths come forward because; A) most of these “victims” are men and men cope differently and B) lesbians also tend to be less trusting of an open forum; and C) if the female sociopath is someone’s boss, it’s difficult to see parallels between working relationships with sociopaths and intimate relationships with one.

      The female sociopath is incredibly dangerous and blends in more, because one of the marked characteristics of sociopaths, male or female, is the drama they create. And because women have been unfairly labeled as “drama queens” throughout the ages, being able to distinguish typical female expression of emotions from that of a highly-dramatic and destructive female sociopath is often tricky.

      I dealt with one over the past year and recently relinquished my relationship with and support of her. She claimed to be a “victim” of pathological types throughout her life. She even had stories to tell. But the truth was revealed, slowly over the course of 12 months, that she was, in fact, the abusive one.

      Here is a link to my brief description of my relationship with her and how I finally had to detach from her crazy-making delusional and dramatic-filled inner circle: Hiding in Plain Sight: A two-faced Sociopath

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  8. Great post! lots of truth here! you said…
    “Let him self-implode since he can’t self-soothe.”
    so very true! without a target to throw their shit at…there is nothing left BUT to self-implode…I’ve seen this happen more than once!

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  9. Is there such thing as a “Good” Sociolpath?

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    • A good sociopath? If you mean a sociopath that exemplifies what it means to be a sociopath? Sure. They’re all “good” sociopaths. Or do you mean a sociopath who is capable of good by somehow developing a conscience and empathy and remorse? No. Never.

      Sociopaths who desperately do not want to be discovered and rely on fooling others to remain hidden may seem good for a period of time. But actions, words and follow-up actions and words always contradict each other, ultimately giving away the sociopath for what he/she really is: a conscienceless, remorseless piece of trash unworthy of our time and willingness to give him just one more try.

      Harsh? That’s nothing compared to the harsh reality a sociopath inflicts. Besides, a sociopath will just shrug at me and others who stick to this philosophy/approach to dealing with them and move along to the next person in hopes the next person is part of the sucker majority.

      I’m no longer a member of that sucker majority. Don’t be suckered into staying there yourself. 🙂

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  10. This was a bit of an eye opening blog. Now I think back on the things she said in anger and suddenly so much of the true her shines through. Rages were carried out with the punishment of silence. The punishment of withdrawal. When pushed to explain her anger the explanations never made sense. Obviously only because I just didn’t understand her, because I was such a selfish person. “You don’t need to understand, I’m sick of explaining myself” as I was repeatedly told.
    How much years of this has made me question everything about myself I cannot even begin to explain.

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    • I am sorry you are going through this. No amount of ugliness thrown at us by another should be allowed to make us question ourselves. I always try to keep in mind that another person’s judgement of me has no power over me unless I give it power. We can take a compliment and blow it out of proportion just as easily as we can take criticism and turn it against ourselves. We are not all good, nor are we all bad. We are flawed, but our flaws are what should motivate us to do better and be better. 🙂 (I started following your blog.)

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  11. Have lived this for years with my husband’s ex-. Always, always waiting for the other shoe to drop- her rage, her anger-filled responses, etc. I had thought I was weak for sometimes being frightened of her. Thanks for helping me understand.

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    • We should be afraid! I’ve received a few private messages from people raging and screaming at me in ALL CAPS in recent days. I made the mistake of trying to rationalize with them. But that just gets no where, right? In our attempt to temper the situation, we just make them angrier. Normal and healthy people recognize their anger and make attempts to understand it without lashing out at others because we know our anger isn’t about others. Our anger is usually about ourselves. 🙂

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  12. I remember the first time my ex raged at me. He threw his dinner plate and then his chair at me. I stepped over the shatters and walked out the front door telling him I needed time to think. I went for a walk around the (safe and well-lit) neighborhood, and before I was even a block away he was creeping alongside me in his car. He rolled down his window and told me I was being ridiculous for walking around the neighborhood like that – and at night; you’ll be attacked or raped, he said. I told him to go away and leave me alone for a while, and he responded my telling me he wasn’t going anywhere until I got in his car and went home with him. I kept walking and sat on a bench at the park. He parked his car so his headlights shined on me and sat there staring a hole in me. I called a friend and talked for a half hour, and then I walked to his car, opened the door, and got in. We went back home and he berated me for making him so angry and being so stupid as to think that walking away was the right thing to do.

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  13. Wow , this post really touches home.. my son and daughter to a tee. Soon I plan on posting emails from my son and daughter. I am trying to get up the courage to do so. I am just learning how they become like this.. It is so scary especially since the death threats from my son and the police being involved now.

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    • I wish it were as simply as learning how they get this way. Even after we think we have it pieced together, we realize there is nothing that can be done to change it or repair it. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this with your own children, Becki.

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  14. Funny thing is (or not so funny) the father was so insanely against lying, there was hell to pay if he thought we were lying, and he was the biggest liar.

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  15. I often felt like the main reason my N raged and bemoaned not being able truly shame and punish me for any number of ways I may have hurt him is because he knew of my capacity to self-soothe; to contemplate and then find a way over any emotional and actual obstacles that ever crossed my path. The irony is that when things were good, this would be one of those things he would claim made me an ideal mate (maybe he assumed that because of my ability that I would be more likely to forgive his mood swings).

    I think the final straw for both of us was when he determined to withhold sex for me supposedly breaking one of his commandments, and when I just went about life as usual; I didn’t break down and beg for his forgiveness (because I didn’t agree that I had done anything wrong).

    He ranted and raged that I needed to be punished and that I should accept his required punishment and I responded by reminding him that he could punish me, but that he couldn’t “make” me do or feel whatever he required, because I was a free person; free to come and go as I pleased and leave the situation if I so desired. I was not required to stay miserable just because that’s what he wanted.

    Even now, four years out of the marriage, he still rages, to anyone whom will listen, that he still longs to punish me and admits that his anger stems from the fact that there is no law that will ever allow that to happen. Sadly, he still attempts, whenever possible, to make my life miserable. Unfortunately, for him, I have a multitude of coping mechanisms to defy him.

    I’m just glad that I no longer have to deal with that energy on a day to day basis. Now some other unfortunate person gets to deal with his regular implosions.

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    • Kudos to you, Dree, for being able to self-soothe and stand your ground in the midst of this abuse! I simply became numb and withdrawn. I accepted the abuse until I could figure out how to escape it. Your ex-husband amazingly still feels he’s entitled to “make” you do as he dictates regardless of the fact you are no longer married to him. This is the core of their controlling nature. It’s a true sickness. When we refuse to be controlled, we are defined by them as being “out of control” and crazy. It’s a silly control game that they somehow never tire of playing. Uuuuggghhh! It wears me out just thinking about the energy they exert to control us.

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  16. Excellent piece!

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