Tree

Tree

There is no right or wrong way to heal.

There is no expected length of time it should take you to heal. It could take you weeks, months or even years to reach the peace you deserve.

Your healing and recovery is dependent on the intricate complexities of your individual personality, experiences, their duration, and the intensity of the harm that was inflicted upon your spirit.

Be good to yourself. Remember you matter. Remember you are not alone.

Namaste!

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Forgiveness, Health, Lessons, Mental Health, mindfulness, Peace, Relationships, Self Improvement, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 12 Comments

  1. I thought I would never heal; but its been 2 years since I went no contact and I would not say I am completely healed but life is worth living again. The best advice I could give anyone trying to heal is ” no contact”.

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    • VERY good point. And no contact doesn’t just mean physical and face-to-face contact, it also means our urge to send one-way communications like e-mails, letters, and texts. They don’t care and will only ignore us and abuse us with the silent treatment/stonewalling or use them to smear us and bring us down further emotionally.

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    • It took me about three months to grasp the fact that my STBX really did not have any feelings of guilt, remorse, or even care one whit he just walked away from a 21 year marriage to be with his new supply. At the time, I hadn’t even considered he could be a psycho/socio-path. I sent him old letters he had written where he’d promised, again and again, to “love me always and forever”, “wanted to grow old with me”, “couldn’t imagine being with anyone else”, “you’re the only woman I’ll ever love”, and ad nauseum. He never responded in writing, but when I asked him one time when I saw him (and he had been lying to me about renting an apt with the new woman), he said, “I guess I must have meant it when I wrote it.” It was like interacting with a complete stranger, not someone who actually had loved me and been married to me for 21 years. It was like cold water in the face. There’s nothing that can be said, you’re not dealing with someone who has normal emotions and conscience.

      I had been completely baffled by his behavior in the devalue-discard phase and had no idea where it had come from. For a while I was convinced he must have a brain tumor or something…seriously. The horrible overt abuse that he seemed to have no insight about, calling me worthless, not caring that his treatment was making me a complete mess, seeing me cry every day and start drinking as a way to cope–he didn’t care at ALL and I was so confused and devastated by it. He was always the “normal” one, the “good” guy, but there were lots of signs I missed over the years. So, when he started treating me so terribly, I was shocked, not just by his behavior, but his complete and utter lack of concern over what he was doing.

      It’s a complete shock to find myself mourning a relationship that never seemed to have really existed and to find that not only did I waste 21 years of my life, but to start to grasp the extent of damage that HE caused. Even though it’s somewhat of a relief to know that I’m not as crazy as he made me believe, all of this is a shock and not easy to fully grasp.

      The signs were there, but even if I saw them, I didn’t know what they really were saying. This is a man who caused me to fall in the bathroom and then walked away without checking to see if I was OK. When I was upset at his lack of concern he got angry at me and couldn’t understand why I was “making such a big deal out of nothing” and that “I’m always exaggerating stuff.” Now I’m not even sure that fall was an accident or if he caused it on purpose.

      I sent one email to his new woman just to let her know he’s abusive. I think she deserves a warning even if she’s not going to believe the “crazy” ex of her new man. However, I bet she’d be surprised to know how many times I’ve mentally thanked her for getting him away from me and keeping him occupied. Not only that, I know he’s going to have to make an effort to prove to her that I’m the crazy one and as long as they’re together (and in the idolization phase), I don’t think I have to worry too much about my STBX doing something to me which could alert her that I’m telling the truth about him. I’m not letting my guard down, but I know it would be very different if I had left him.

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  2. Thank you for this post. My journey to being healed is far from over, but it’s good to hear someone tell me that even if it takes a while, it’s still possible. 🙂

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  3. Dear Paula, I need your advise. I’ve come out of a relationship of 19 years with a sociopath, it hit me this morning what’s wrong. All through my teenage years I was depressed, has a harsh horrible father as I grew up. All I wanted was to be happy inside and that is why I wanted a man, to be loved. I was happy when my husband was good and nice to me but when he was nasty I so wanted my life to end. So I’ve lived for the good bits from my husband and got through the bad bits. I asked him to leave nearly 18 months ago. The children don’t want to know him any more because he also made them feel bad about them selves. I’ve realised this morning that there is nothing that I want in life, don’t think there ever was. He was keeping me going. Now he’s gone I have nothing, yes I have two children and want them to be happier than I ever was, truley happy and level headed people who love themselves. I don’t want a thing in life any more, I just have this awful want of my husband back, no other man will do. I can’t live like this, hanging on every day for what? Please please help me, I really want my life to end and I know it will hurt the children but don’t I count too. Sue W.

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    • Dear Sue, what you are feeling is the withdrawl symtons of being addicted to another human being. It has to do with the trauma bonds that were forged in your relationship and in your childhood. I too have have wanted to die and have fought depression and suicide all throughout my life. Please hang in there your children have already lost a father could they handle losing a mother. You are so much stronger than you know. Please find a therapist that understands abuse and psychopaths. You are mistaken now that he is gone you have EVERYTHING- the whole world opens up for YOU. I know these may seem like empty words at the moment and it seems as if no one knows your pain but trust me anyone on this blog knows your pain. We have all been there and guess what? We all survived and came out of it so much the better. And you can too!!!! Two books that helped me tremendously were, “Women Who Love Psychopahs” by Sandra L. Brown and “Teh Betrayal Bond” by Patrick J. Carnes. God put you here to accomplish something great besides just being in a relationship. We as women are more that our relationships. Know that. Know that you are beautiful and brilliant and brave and deserving off all the good things that life has to offer.
      Hang in there my thoughts and prayers are with you. I too have faced that dark abyss and somehow I managed to crawl out of it. So shall you.

      ivonne

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  4. These are words I needed to hear. I’m at another turning point in my recovery and I’m fighting it. I’m looking at too many external forces, and not listening to my internal voice.

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  5. Your words come just at the right time, so needed now! Thank you, thank you. Im glad I’m not alone in this healing process. Ooooh, its so greuling and empty sometimes… Our hearts WILL be whole again.

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  6. Awesome post Paula. I think we all need to be reminded that everyone heals at a different pace and in different ways.
    🙂

    ivonne

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  7. Thanks Paula for that reminder!

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