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A narcissist will discard you when you are no longer useful to him. I’m not just talking about a physical discard like when the relationship ends and he kicks your ass to the curb. I’m talking about an emotional discard that happens while you are still in the relationship. I’m also talking about a discard of all his memories of you once he has found a new source of narcissistic supply. The timing of him finding a new and rich narcissistic/ego supply, determines how soon and when you will no longer be useful to him. It is when you are finally, 100% discarded.

Before leaving my abusive relationship with the boy, I knew I had to be okay with him one day thinking I was “useless.” I left him before he discarded me. I left the toxic relationship at the height of what he thought was his total and complete domination and control over me. I pulled his narcissistic supply right out from under him, and it pissed him off. It REALLY pissed him off.

On top of all the names and accusations he screamed at me through my phone and texts messages, I knew that one day soon his rage against me would end. He would go from one extreme to the next. From being incredibly angry and desperately hurt at my departure one day to telling people I’m nothing to him and never was the next. (Who’s the bi-polar one, again?) And his dramatic and seamless switch was all thanks to fresh narcissistic supply; a new victim had entered his life. What happened to his feelings and thoughts of me? He tucked them neatly away into the far recesses of his mind the way he tucked away the memories of so many other good people he once shared moments.

Struggling with the idea of being useless and of one day not being remembered at all by the narcissist was the hardest part of my acceptance and recovery. After all, in this world of billions we meet so few people with whom we share our inner-most thoughts and feelings. We hope that those people would honor that connection forever, because that’s what good people do. But narcissists don’t see things the way good people see things. They never REALLY share anything about themselves that’s truthful in the first place and only use your disclosures against you. They have no honor to bestow on anything or anyone, including themselves. Where is the honor, usefulness, and goodness in THAT?!?

And when we start speaking the truth about their lack of honor, usefulness, and goodness, we are deemed the dishonorable and tasteless ones. Whatever works for them, I guess.

Accept the discard. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to convince the fool that he’s wrong about you. (I made that mistake. I don’t want you to do that, too.) Instead, discard him like he discarded you. No more ruminating on why he’s the way he is or why you stuck around for so long. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to free yourself. Accept the discard and discard him today if you haven’t already.

Namaste!

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abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing

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  1. The N I was with was sneaky and made me think that I discarded him just recently when he was truly discarding me and I felt it as soon as it happened.He put me in a situation about something I did not like him doing..by bringing it up to me and it involved other women.When I confronted him and told him I could not handle what he was doing or saying to me and that I wanted to break up, He told me that was fine.I felt like I was standing up for myself and I was but he tried to shatter that by how he handled the situation and he did not care that the relationship was over.Thing is an N truly does not care and you have to learn to accept it because they don’t know how to truly care about other people genuinely and its only an act.I now know the reason why he did this discard is because he has new supply now and its easy for them to try to get you to dump them then to actually end things themselves.Not only do they get to play victim or the person that got hurt in this, even when they are fully to blame for cheating, lying and just being jerks but they can try to come back to you later or hope that they have you hooked enough to come back to them.Then the cycle of blame will take its turn again in a short amount of time and they will always blame you for anything and everything wrong that has ever happened between the two of you.To say the least, This is not the first time that I have been discarded by him for other supply.However this is an N that had psychopathic tendencies in the past and trouble letting go of me but through time he has cared less and less about me as supply, has become colder, more distant and more willing to let his mask fully drop with time and of course this hurts a lot but at the same time I know I want things to be over with him for good.This time things will be over for good and I won’t go back to him.The best advice is to just let him discard you and move on because yes you are better than him.Yes he did try to make you believe he was your soul-mate but I assure you he is not!Stick to concentrating on why he is not a good person and your going to remember the good memories but just take them as they are!They were good memories that you wish you could re live again and there is nothing at all wrong with feeling that way and looking back on them at times but just remember you can’t relive that with the N.Remember that the bad out weighs the good and yes you can have good memories alone, with another partner or with friends!I know he really seemed like he was the one, trust me I know because I thought I could not live without him, I cried all the time, Watched sappy love movies and daydreamed about him wanting me again, loving me like he used to and holding onto hope that one day things would just go back to how they were cause he did not just say but he declared to me how much he loved me!He remembered things no one else remembered about me and really paid attention to who I was as a person.Yes, they study us and they really do seem to be utterly in love with us but they only study us so they can manipulate and control us, during the love bombing period and later on when they decide they want to hurt and discard us.After some time their memory gets bad and they don’t even remember things like they used to either once they see supply is running out when it comes to you.The reason we run out as supply is because they might get bored with us, we stand up for ourselves, they are not getting ever imaginary desire filled and it truly is impossible to fill it..there is just no way to do it.There is not just one solid answer as to why they discard us other than the fact that they know they can and know someone else will come into the picture sooner rather than later, as a friend or a lover..as long as they have control over someone it does not matter if it is romantic or not.I notice they prefer romantic because it seems to be the most control they can normally get out of someone.Also, it does not matter if the woman is prettier than you or very ugly, N’s are shallow but they will take what they can get when it comes to supply, they can only hope it is better in their mind in someway but truthfully it never can be.As victims of N’s we all get treated the same way, if not some of us worse depending on how highly we are held as supply.Just remember, the higher he held you..the more your going to end up going through.You are better than an N, move on with your life for you and let him party, live it up and have tons of sexual encounters because his life will never be truly fulfilled and he will always be unhappy over something.If he has a super model I promise you that he would find faults with her eventually to.

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    • Wow. Thank you, BrokenButterflyWing.Your insight is intense and well-appreciated. This sentence, in particular, jumped out at me: “the higher he held you..the more your going to end up going through.” It left me speechless. I’m still processing that statement. :)

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    • BrokenButterflyWings…
      Words cannot express how true this is!! My ex-N broke up with me 3.5 months JUST LIKE THAT! He went distant, and when I confronted him about this behavior, he tried to make me the one who broke up with him, when in reality HE was the one who was distant! Now I see it was all a ploy to dip out with ease, victimize himself, make me feel guilty, and leave a door open just in case he wanted to come back…because he told me “maybe we can be friends later.” Setting it up to where I could be another source of supply for him. It’s been months, but I’m still emotionally dealing with the discard. I just hope the anger and pain subsides soon. It HAS gotten better, but I just want to be the person I was before meeting him!!!!

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    • Hello All,
      This page has done me the world of good today, thank you all for your messages, it so helps to understand I am not alone.
      I had no idea I was in a relationship with a Narc, I wanted to write my experience down so it might help as others have helped me.
      I started dating my partner 3 years ago, I have no idea why the alarm bells didn’t ring but they didn’t, after four weeks of dating, I was bombed with, I love you, you are the one I have been looking for all my life, I thought people like you only existed in the movies, after 8 weeks they wanted to marry me as soon as we could possibly sort it, over a two week period I got a 20 page letter every day to remind me how much they loved me and how special I was.
      Life went on from there but the demands all started, we need a house and they had no money but it had to be in joint names (so I bought one) the was to be a joint bank account (because they couldn’t be beholden) the will had to be sorted to make sure if anything happened to me then they would be taken care of.
      Stupidly I did all this, but in my own time.
      My time delays lead to sometimes weeks of distance and silence, where their love had all but vanished (and I was told I had ruined it and they didn’t love me any more) only to have them come back and say I do still love you and the bombing all started again.
      This was very painful but I let it happen must be nearly 20 times over the three years.
      The control and isolation over the same period was immense, none of my friends were suitable, I couldn’t go out to bars unless we went together, I couldn’t work too hard because we wanted to spend as my time as possible together even though the demands on finance were ever increasing.
      I was to text or call when ever I arrived somewhere so they could know I was as and sometimes pictures if where I was were requested as proof of I was where I said I was.
      On the last time we got together I said this is my last try, if it doesn’t work out this time I am done, within three hours I was asked to leave them alone a but because their head was a mess, so I did and that lasted then days.
      After then days they contacted me and said they didn’t love me any more I plucked up all my courage and just said thank you and goodbye.
      No contact since and no contact from them, but in the men’s time I did find out what it was so important for them to know my whereabouts, they had been having casual sex when ever I was out of the way and they needed proof where I was to not threaten what they wanted.
      I am devastated and miss their contact so much, but I am determined I am not going to let this person damage me any more. It has been 5 weeks and they appear to have just shut off any emotion or feeling they had for me as if I was a light switch.
      I don’t hate them, I pity their unemotional unconnected life they will lead, but I will never forgive them and hope one day to forget they ever existed.
      I hadn’t realised out of the 12 possible signs of a Narc that they showed signs of at least 9, I still can’t believe they are a Narc and it wasn’t real but reading all the messages below make me think that’s natural.
      I have come to terms with realising I loved who I thought they were and not who they actually were and it was my own need and desire that could see past what I wanted to see.
      Good luck to everyone who is struggling, I think we all know it can only get better from here on.

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    • Paul, Thank you for taking the time to share what was probably both painful and liberating for you. And your observation regarding why this person needed to know where you were at all times is so revealing! The layers of deception run deep, and we can’t see them until we step outside of their dark energy and influence. Moving forward, focus on loving and trusting yourself. When you get that established, you’ll be able to easily see when someone else is offering false love and trust to you. )

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  2. I am in the middle of a current silent treatment / discard because I was 6 minutes late to pick him up and drive him to work. He got totally pissed and left without a word to walk to work which was an hour away on foot. To add to this he has gout in his right foot which flares up when he walks too much. So, instead of waiting for me and being 10 to 15 minutes late to work, he left and walked which made him an hour late. Now his gout has flared up and he is in bad pain BUT chooses to still walk to work instead of accepting a ride from me. I think he is just trying to make it a point to let me know I am useless to him. We have been together for 14 years but his behavior has severely declined in the last few years. He started drinking more and more and has lost jobs and let his credit fall apart. He masturbates 2-4 times a day to hot girls he finds on the internet (I find the evidence) and then tells me his libido is fading. He’s 42 and our friends started calling him a charity case. His truck broke down over a month ago and he just walked away and left it and me at 10:00 at night. Thankfully I called a friend to come get me. He will not talk to me or acknowledge our “relationship”. He comes home from work and goes straight to Facebook. He laughs it up with his friends and then acts angry or depressed around me. If I asked a question he totally ignores me. He hates me because I care and I hate myself for having let this go on for this long. I have made the decision to leave but must plan it carefully. We have no kids but I have pets and possessions that are dear to me.When my mom passed away last year, he thought I should have been “over it” when the dirt hit the coffin. He doesn’t even talk to his mom. I don’t know if he will be pissed or glad when I go. If anyone has any advice, support or encouragement, I really need it right now. I am scared, alone, and feel horrible about myself.

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    • Shattered, This is a perfect description of how they play the persecuted victim. Any type of health issue he is having as a result of your “negligence” is being tallied and recorded for future proof that you never cared about him. It’s so stupid and insane. It’s childish and infuriating. You’re right…all he had to do was be a little patient. But he has been sitting in wait for the moment you “failed” just so he could blow it out of proportion. It’s the out he’s been hoping for for a long time. It’s gross. I suspect that if you leave now, he’ll be relieved. I know that sounds hard to accept, but it truly is the only edge you have at this time. If I were you, I would give him the impression that you are leaving, because it’s what he wants. That way, it makes him feel like he’s still in control. Otherwise, he WILL try to block you from leaving just to prove a point.

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  3. He discarded me almost three weeks ago. The beginning of our ‘love story’ was typical I guess…He was the most loveable man i ever met..and i longed for love and a proper relationship after having my heart broken a few times. I am a successful business woman, having huge responsibility in my work life…earning good money. I thought I am not that kind of woman who falls for someone like him. He took all my money. Everything that I had. With lies and excuses like he needed it desperately to have his accounts opened after a problem with the financial authorities..he needed money for his beloved grand pa s funeral…i am not sure if i believed him…i just wanted to help. i thought once he solves all his problems we can be happy. all the time he ensured me that the problem was on my side…i was not a relaxed woman, i was always giving him hard time.. when i asked him about when he is going to give my money back he replied: you are talking about it all the time, i cannot hear it anymore. i told you so many times you will get it..tomorrow..next week..next month…then i fell pregnant. he freaked out. didn t want anything to do with me or the baby..gave me lots of abuse. then he decided to come back..a new beginning..he said he booked a ticket to see me and be with me (we live in different towns)…a few days before he was due to come i discovered he had not even booked the ticket. although he said he did a few times…we had a major argument..during which all of a sudden he said that he does not want anything to do with me. since then he blocked me on all social media..the only way i can reach him is via email. when asking when i will get the money he still replies: next week, next month. I have already sent it, etc. he is lying in my face and i do not understand it!!!! how can he do that?? he knows what he is telling is a lie! yet he still does that!!! he never ever asks how i am because of the baby..he has NO interest at all although before he said he will love his child…i just do not understand all of this. i miss him desperately and wish contact..wish he would say that he changed..that he loves the baby and myself…or only the baby if that is…but he is just ignoring me..ignoring me every day…it hurts so much. how can a person be so cruel?? i know i am stupid in missing him…but it is just a feeling i cannot stop…how can i stop wanting to call him??? to text him?? sometimes it is just so hard…

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    • It’s not stupid to miss a person with whom you formed an emotional love bond. Unfortunately, the bond is one-sided and paired with a betrayal bond. Together, these two bonds create the feelings of cognitive dissonance that are causing you such confusion. Do you have access to counseling services? It’s a good idea that you find someone to trust and with whom you can confide without fear of your personal life being put on blast. Also, I recommend writing down the contradictory feelings and sensations that come over you and use logic rather than your heart to understand what is happening. People who love us don’t ignore us or leave us flailing in times of greatest need. They don’t threaten us or demean us or cause us to question our own value and worth. Is that the type of person you wish to be coupled with and to be tethered to forever? You and your child can have a toxic-free life. Refusing to reach out to him and instead reaching deep inside yourself for answers will keep you on a path of breaking those bonds of love and betrayal so you no longer seek his approval or validation. It’s not easy. It’s painful, but your child’s and your freedom is worth the time it takes to break through.

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    • Danielle,

      Reading your story is a mirror image of where I am right now…. The only difference is that I’m not pregnant. It’s so hard, I’m up and down with my emotions… Have spent the last week ready non stop about narcissists. I’m trying to think logically. I know he is in contact with a new potential victim. Poor girl, if only I could warn her! It’s been four years of this abuse and in also a strong woman and I can’t believe I’ve been treated so bad for so long! I’ve always in the last chased after Hun but I determined this time to set myself free. I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Please reach out if you need to talk to me and hopefully we can help each other someway

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    • Thank you Paula. your words have comforted me on this lonely day. I will keep fighting. It is not easy..but I will. for my child and for myself.
      he contacted me last week. as if nothing happened. wrote he thinks that he was not very nice during the last weeks. and that he wants to see me to explain. hahahah..i could not believe this. when i wrote back that i do not believe one single word and that he better give me back the money he is owing me..he did not bother to reply. i just do not get it. why is he writing in the first place? to see if he has control over me? i think it was a mistake to write back to him. will never do that again.

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    • You’re welcome, Danielle. These people reach out just to see if they still have an open door with certain people. The empty apologies and feigned concern are all in an attempt to get attetion and pity and to feel validated and redeemed. They do not know how to find redemption within themselves, so must seek out those who will offer it to them. If they don’t get exactly what they want, they will lash out and demoralize us and make us feel like the unworthy and hateful ones. Protecting yourself is as easy as not responding. You know it’s a game and you have more value than a chess piece, right? :)

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    • Savannah, I appreciate your words.. I really hope that I will get closure one day. It is very difficult. I try to concentrate on my child…but still i am thinking of him every day. How can a person do that to yourself? sometimes I read his old messages and i clearly see how he played me…yet i did choose to close my eyes back then…why??????
      I think it is so good that you also chose to leave your victim life and begin a new one. This is just right…

      Paula, right now i have almost ten days without contact. yet it feels like years. i do not think he will contact me again..for some reason i just think he disappeared..what is making my life so difficult is also the thought that he took away so much of my money. I am completely broke now and try to rebuild my life. Thanks God i have a very good job so I will put money aside very soon. Still it feels so wrong that he took the money away from me and the child…i was thinking about going to the police..but i do not know..this is also a form of contact..on the other side, i really do not want him to think it is right to steal money from people who wanted to help you!! somehow he must get justice! i just do not know if this is the right way to go for me…because of the child..and because i do not want more stress coming my way in the pregnancy months..but he should somehow be taught that you cannot behave like this…i do not know what to do. it is a nightmare come true..in every way possible. and i can t help but think it happened because I allowed it to happen..because i stopped thinking rationally..i just wanted to prove everybody wrong. prove that he was a good person..i wanted to win this battle but i lost everything…sometimes i do not know if i can keep the no contact rule..if i can stop myself from coming at him and looking him in the eye..

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    • Hi Danielle I’m in the same position. However I do not love him anymore. The relationship became a triangle with him his apparent ex wife and myself. I ever questioned him being at her home due to his responsibility towards his child who was 14. When I fell pregnant we were both very excited, however I asked him to move out when I was approximately 3 months pregnant due to finding out he was contacting his wife daily telling her about our relationship he also had another young women who was 20 years younger confessing his love and realising he was keeping his options open. The agreement between us both was to assist with our babies needs when she was born. I fell very I’ll at 7 months pregnant having a blood clot he never answered his mobile or txt messages as I required his blood group. I then told him I had the baby to get his attention, it still took him 5 hours to reply and he never tried to contact the hospital either. I was humiliated heart broken that he never bothered. When I received his blood group he told me he had washed his hands of me and doubts I was having his child. When I had our baby he lied to say he was in the outback and he was only an hours drive away. He has only seen ourbaby once. I have askedhim to see our baby and denies paternity when I applied for child support he didn’t respond to them. So I received his blood group from the hospital to prove we required it for a blood transfusion for our baby. Long story short I have received $12.00 in nine months for our baby whilst he continues to travel and has formed a better friendship with his now apparent ex wife. He always complained about her and told me she was crazy. Guess what he has put on his social media site that a friend posted to me I’m a bunny boiler, and I require medication. And his wife has written virtually the same about me to. I have tempted fate to argue online but he has all these new friends that never had before. And he works cash in hand and receives job search which is a government support. It doesn’t matter what I say its twisted and turned to the point I do look crazy. He even made contact withmy friends whilst we were in a relationship. And now I’m accused of messaging him and his wife. I never have and he never listens with my pleads. All I want is him to have contact with his child
      He refused to sign the BC as well. Its so sad for our child. But I can’t do anything about that.

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  4. I finally did it! I did end the relationship and burned the bridges behind so we can’t possible ever have anything more together . It’s been 4 months now and every day I have to tell myself to be proud of myself for cutting off. I think one of the most damaging situations in life is when you’re in a relation with someone who takes your self pride away…when you do things and put up with things you know you shouldn’t do. When you violate your own bounderies because you re soo hooked!!!! The first time he devaluated me I couldn’t understand . Why? What did I do wrong? What have i done? said? What on earth could merit such a treatment? was i just too happy about being with him? was that my crime? did i just suddenly become so boring because the chase was over for him? because he had me right there? One day he wrote to me , asking if I was thinking about him , that he thought about me , that we had soo good sex, that I touched he’s soul etc etc. and of course , me too me too I do think about you and yes and yes and yes ..Then he just disappeared . He was gone. It was a choc . Like to be hit hard and fall ,face down! I was a wreck. Couldn’t eat or sleep…he made it clear he did not respect me, he did not love me. A statement. Weeks passed by and finally I wrote to him.( with shaking hands) – what happened? He’s answer: nothing happened. I asked what he wanted, he said: the same thing as you… That he didnt have a good excuse. Hahahahahha!!! Oh god! I asked if he wanted to break the contact ( pretty obvious, I know , but I needed he’s words). He said : there’s nothing to break here, we don’t have a relation etc etc… Ok, so I left it like that, thought it was over. Pulled the cover over my head and slowly died…..Two weeks later: hello! Guess who is back? Lots of hovering . ” your so special to me, the sex , the sex with you is soo amazing. I only have love for you etc etc… Of course. (This guy clearly used sex as a tool for manipulating me and wanted to hear me say that yes, it was good ,to validate him, the incredibly sexy man he is!! : ((. ) And I took him back ( one of the most stupid things I have ever done and I feel very ashamed of). I was really hooked on this guy. He was like a drug to me … Give me more , please!!! Even though I didn’t have any more trust for him, even though I knew, in my guts I knew he was bullshitting me I couldn’t let go … Anyway, to make a long story short, I did spend two years of my life ALWAYS thinking about this man, who obviously did not love me but I’m sure had a pretty good time playing lots of mind games with me and feeling very powerfull indeed : ” loving” me ,devaluing me, doing the silent treatment ( the worst kind of abuse) throwing crumbs, ( oh, can I have another crumb please?) coming back like if everything is just the way it should be and like if the most normal thing in the world would be to take him back … STOP IT!!! STOP it please!!!! I never went N C on anybody in my life before and it’s a very very hard thing to do. Because in a way it’s like if the person is dead. You know you will never talk to him or see him again. It is very difficult and very sad. Oh, some days it makes me cry. some days im thinking things like , really crazy things like what we had was so strong, that we know eachother , that he probably does love me , in he’s own way…that he had such a bad childhood , that its all my own fault, of course, it must be my own fault, I was too much this and not enough of that and for someone as successfull and brilliant as him I should just be happy with what I got. Pathetic! But I realize that this unhealthy relationship could just go on like this , abusive and destroying forever , it would NEVER change. It would never get better. And I would be foreverly unhappy, just as he wanted me to be . ( I believe ) loosing my life away with someone uncapable of compassion , respect or being honest. its all about a game, its all about power. He s power. And the good times, the six months of happiness was just an illution. The more time passes by, the more i realize the HUGE mindfuck it really was…Oh, there where so many times he manipulated me , just for the fun and feeling of power hurting me. So pervers!!! I’m very lucky I came a cross sites like this one, great sites where you can learn about personality disorders. It makes things so much clearer , you can finally grab an understanding for this abuse . Thank you so much!! Anyway, I’m OUT. I’m out and I’m alive and I’m alive and I am ALIVE!!!! You can go home now, little dreamer, the key is in your hand… ( even though I still think about him all the time , waking up every night, thinking thinking thinking….). And I will never go back. Promise : )) I’m healing, slowly but I feel I’m getting there. One day at the time , one step after the other…. Much love to all of you, take care of yourself, love yourself , love yourself more than you love him. ❤ Sorry for my not perfect English.

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    • Hello again, sorry, you could just call me Billie, if you need my name, of course. Thank you.

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    • Thank you, Sofia. Your words are inspiring. Wow! I’m thrilled you found the information you needed to emerge from the place your mind was entrapped. We all deserve to be free. I’m very happy you found your freedom. :)

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    • Hi Sofia, really enjoyed reading your post..i know it was months ago now & I wonder how you are doing. I have recently broken up with my ex sociopath/narcissist & I can totally relate to your story. Sometimes i get confused & think..is it me that was the bad one…but NO i have to remain clear..these people are so good at tricking you into thinking you are a bad person, second guessing yourself & doubts creep in. I have never been in a relationship like this where my self worth, confidence & respect was taken…or I allowed it to be taken. Anyway it’s been since June 24 2015 since i broke it off…or we both kind of did…I feel so bad as she walked out emotionally a year ago & i was determined to hang in there & make it work. I was treated like a piece of dirty yet her words were the opposite to the way i was treated. I refused to believe anyone could be so cruel! Wake up! I’m 45 & was very naive. I still find it hard to believe there are people so calculating & cruel. Its a big lesson for me to tighten my boundaries & sense of control. I used to think boundaries were mean but NO, i am no longer letting just anyone in. I don’t want this experience to damage my trust with people but just refine it! Anyway 3 days after i broke it off she called me & i didn’t answer then she texted me to call her & I didn’t. She’s tried to call a few more times & I did call back to say…..you are a deceptive vulgar con artist…never contact me again..never come near my house again…(she was seeing another person & i found out but she denied it of course) she said i had lost the plot & there was something wrong with me.. i hung up. Then i received texts the next day saying…i would never & have never betrayed you…you are so angry for no reason..& then another text which sounded like it was taken from some new age site on the internet..implying that..i will always be there for you..bla bla. i still wake up furious at what i put up with…furious that she was cheating on me & there were so many signs & i was even told about the cheating & approached her…again i believed her sweet talking BS. I wanted to stay in denial & i must forgive myself for this. I don’t want to think of her & her toxic drama filled existence..i want to set myself completely free…I want to be happy like i was when i met her. I am trying to understand cognitively that this person who i wanted to spend my life with didn’t exist!!! i am a strong person & in a million years i never thought i would be this position! Alas i have an emotional vulnerability..& thats what she honed in on. Forgiving myself is the key…& meeting new people.
      M

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  5. he is so manipulative whenever he knows I’ve given him my trust and emotions he leaves blames me for how fucked up he is and let’s me pine over him after many broken hearts second guessing my own mental health and feeling worthless I truly know he wants to break my confidence use me as a source and enjoy my pain he is a spoilt child if anything and is getting more cruel is u could go to happy to broken in an hour and he will never take responsibility so changing will never be an option and after a while you become used to the pain and all for someone will never truly care as u do for them so if anyone even suspects please run ive read this before and could have saved myself a lot of pain if I listened its so easy to believe their fakeness especially after you’ve invested so much time and emotion but seriously run ive been in an abusive relationship with a clearly crazy guy and these type of men are so much more dangerous because you can’t see the true damage done. So don’t believe they’re lovely affectionate speeches but more importantly dont believe it when they say horrible things about you and tell you they are nothing move on and don’t let the fear of being alone stop you because there are good people out there more than bad. And u don’t have to settle for this.

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    • Thank you, Elaine. Thank you!!!

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    • I can deeply understand all of the stories I have read my exam narcs left me of 14 yrs it’s been real real hard to deal with but it gets better everyday know he is on FB talking bad about me like I did something wrong the new supply he has was married as well her echo husband divorced her I even let my kids go over there witch I should not of done cause he did not want to give me my kids back he told my daughter he was trying to get custody of them if I had of known I would not let them go over there cause my kids have never seen there mom and dad apart I was trying to be the bigger woman but want I have heard from her she is a narcs as well it’s just so OMG cause my exam narcs played the role so good like he really loved me and yes we have had lots of problems in the past but for u to up and leave your family kids and all I forgot to pay my electric bill he left us in the house with know electric on and the girls cat was outside I knew he was cheating this was not the first nasty girl God fought my battles on that situation but everything discribed as a narcs is my ex frfr I have been doing no contact he has not contacted me at all we got into it real bad 2 days ago I just going to get myself together and let God fight my battles cause he will and for all of you cause no weapon formed against you shall proper!!!👍

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  6. […] conclusion that someone they cared about is pathologically narcissistic only after they have been discarded and after the Narc has volcanically disrupted the bare bones of their psyche. And disrupt they […]

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  7. God I just feel so lost. Three years ago, I met what I thought was the most incredible man ever. He was intensely handsome, to the point that every woman who meets him seems to fall in love and think he’s mister wonderful. At first, he overwhelmed me with intense love, talk of how I was his soulmate only 3 days into our conversations. He wanted to be in constant contact with me, put me on a pedastal, I fell hard, and I mean hard.
    I should also say that at this point I had been single for a couple of years and did not feel needy, but was confident and full of fun and energy. I was simply ready to be with someone wonderful, and he was the first person who had come along that actually made me want to be in a relationship again. It started off long distance, he was in California, I was in England. We skyped every day, spent hours on the phone, watched movies together over Skype, shared intimate details, thoughts, feelings and more. He appeared to be the perfect man. I was literally swept off my feet.
    My first sign of any red flag was a month in when his ex girlfriend told him on his facebook page that she loved him and wished him happiness, as she had seen all the interactions between he and I. His response to her seemed overly friendly but I let it slip even though it bothered me somewhat. I rationalized it away that he was just being kind. One of the first things I ever want to know about a new man is if he has ever cheated. This man told me that he had, but of course explained it away like he had no fault in cheating. This was another red flag.
    He informed me early on that it was not acceptable for me to find other men attractive. I thought this was naturally odd, but over time he conditioned me to feel like it was not an unreasonable request. So in essence, I became totally absorbed in him. He appeared to do the same. He would tell me to look at his pictures and tell myself “soulmate”…. I really believed him. He told me he would never ever leave no matter what and that I was his one, that we had all these bizarre coincidences between us, which we did, and that was proof we were destined to be together… over a period of time I became hooked deeply and more intensely than I’ve ever felt about anyone. He told me two weeks in that I was his wife, which made me feel like the most important woman in his universe.
    A couple of months in another red flag: An ex of mine posted on my facebook wall a link to his new band, promoting it etc… so I commented back wishing him luck etc. But because I commented on that first before commenting on what my then boyfriend wrote, my boyfriend visciously dumped me telling me I was a slut and out of nowhere saying he was going to go flirt with other women.
    I was shocked, horrified and felt like what the fuck just happened. Because I didn’t immediately call him back, he then rang me again expressing extreme anger, then when I was clearly upset he told me he loved me and felt wronged by me commenting on the guy’;s post first. Stupidly I forgave him.
    He told me that his ex wife had left him (which she had) and that he had had a physical altercation with her which scared the shit out of her. His wife before that he had cheated on and apparently only stayed with out of obligation. The second his second wife left, he immediately moved on to another woman, only to dump her after a fortnight and try to get back with wife number 2. His messages to her ranged from pure hatred and venom, to calling her the love of his life and saying he would die without her. He messaged her for a year non stop, despite talking to and dating a few other women in the meantime.
    Right after we got married (yeah I know, i was so blinded by love that I married him), we had a row about a woman who was clearly checking him out every time he saw her. I made the mistake of asking him a hypothetical question about what would he do if she started waving and trying to get to know him, to which he said maybe she just likes my shirt and that he would be super friendly back. Of course this pissed me off and I told him so, stating that he clearly goes where the attention is. We ended up having a physical row where I did not physically touch him but he pushed me down with such force that my neck got injured and to this day it still cracks and creaks and I feel discomfort in it.
    He then spat at me, told me I was ugly, worthless, how he wished he had never married me (we married a week before this), how he was going to go off with other women and that his ex wife was so much better than me. I was devastated, and the more I cried the harsher he became, like he took pleasure in it.
    A half hour later he was telling me he wanted me, meaning in a sexual way, and telling me to tell him I wanted him too. He then had sex with me as I was left wondering what had happened, and he became cold again afterwards because I was still in shock and hurt over the row.
    Anyway, he of course ended up brainwashing me into thinking he was my soulmate again, to the point that we went ahead with visa and he moved in with me in England.
    A few months later, he began his second job here working in a female populated place. The attention this handsome american got was astounding. When women would flirt, he would be extremely playful back and only actually say something to them if they openly suggested he come round or something. I would get upset because he seemed to be disregarding my boundaries, I have no problem him having female friends, but when a woman is clearly interested and calling him gorgeous and hanging around him all the time, I think it’s appropriate for him to back off a little. That was all I wanted. But he refused, saying that it was my problem I felt that way and that he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
    Then he met her. He told me off the bat that she was beautiful and exactly my type. He even once said during a row that maybe she was the reason he came here (they were just friends at this point but both obviously felt an attraction), he called me ugly, became physical in every row to the point of bruising me, and always seemed to overly enjoy the attention of the many women who thought he was god. He accused me of being neurotic, psycho, causing fights, the sole primary reason for his looking around. He said that if all he gets from his wife is insanity that he was going to talk to other women…. and he did. This one in particular.
    He went from only a week ago telling me that I was his forever love and need, calling me soulmate, to telling this woman 3 days later after a row we had, that they should be together and giving her his phone number etc.
    I told him it was over as a result.
    I have been staying at my mother’s since and this pig of a man is in my home. He has completely ignored me for days and it’s like I do not exist to him anymore. I am hurting so bad. I never used to be paranoid and insecure and jealous, but his actions and words have completely ruined me. Every time we had a row he would turn to other women then he says I’m a nut for not trusting him and for worrying about other women and telling me I need help and he never takes responsibility for anything he says and does. He has changed completely.

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    • Hi there sorry to hear about what your going through it really does suck and it won’t get any better as they will never change. I have too been with a NPD for 15 years. Place into a fantasy world at first then brought down to the lowest. These type of people who suffer from this disease do not change they love the power and attention they get from females and it is a cycle that will repeat itself. I left NPD for about two years now. They love you one day and then hate you the next. I’m glad I left him so glad I never had children with him guess I knew with in myself that he wasn’t going to make a good parent especially with what he suffered from. The first steps are the hardest but your in a good place now being around your Mum. Hope you continue in moving forward and to not look back on what you have or had. They will only use you and they love degrading and disrespecting you it’s the power that they love. Don’t turn back if you do you will only empower him and his behaviour. No woman or man upon this earth who goes or put through this deserves what they are getting from these monster they are mentally sick and there is nothing we can as ex partner or partners to fix them. Besides let them go and DO YOU! :) you will only heal and get better once you let them go and move forward with yourself. Round up your family and friends for support they will help you a lot through the process as they have done for me :)

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  8. its been 5 weeks off the roller coaster for me. but its soooo hard. an addiction unlike no other. I did slip and respond to an email he sent, but of course no answer back from him. im slowly learning to accept it. I have never felt so emotionally tortured in any relationship (and ive had a few not so pleasant experiences) as in this one. I have found in these past weeks that the thoughts and memories of our time together make me think the top of my head will explode. it is extremely difficult to make sense of, but for the first time today, I see the smallest light shining on the horizon. it is horrible to say, but I would have preferred he hit me every single time , rather than another hurtful demeaning control tactic or game. I have never in my life experienced panic attacks as I developed early on in that relationship. I had never in my life felt so out of control, and hating myself for it. it is truly an identity loss. I have had nightmares that made me afraid to go to sleep. I have never had so much trouble sleeping until I met the man…. became involved with “it”. I have never felt such lingering hatred and confusion. I can honestly say ive never met anyone like this. special? no. unique? yes! I have had so many breakdowns/meltdowns, times I thought I would DIE from the pain inside in these past several years, I never thought id escape the “prison”. but here I am, struggling to cope, day by day…consumed by “I wish he would call” and “im so glad hes gone”. its so difficult. its difficult to know that your feelings, your pain, your being, mean NOTHING to him, never did. and to hate yourself for allowing someone to do that to you. I find myself constantly wondering “is he truly a narcissist?” and all the research indicates the truth. every time I find new info on narcissism, its him. I am still in shock how anyone could be so cold, but slowly, I am understanding it, and that helps. I have feared that the projection will be permanently instilled, as I missing a lot of my character. slowly but surely, I grew into a depressed and lonely soul, that I am hoping to change. it is as if he has magically magnified the smallest of my insecurities, which have replaced the upbeat character I was when I met him. I feel very lost and afraid. afraid that the old me will not return. I am devastated. it is hard to focus on the light when there is so much clutter to trip over in the dark. I feel 10 times older, very tired, unwanted, and that I am of no use or desire to anyone else. how do I get out of this head trip?

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    • Noname, Wow. You put into just a few words the vast and complicated confusion I felt and many felt in the immediate aftermath of the relationship. You may not realize it in the moment, but all of this rumination you are doing is your brain’s way of releasing the confusion. It’s attempting to make sense of the senseless. The further distance you have between the moments with “it” and the moments within yourself, the more you will come back to you. However, don’t expect to ever be the same…in a good way. You have seen something few see. With their eyes wide open, they are, quite actually, wide shut. Those inflated insecurities? You are at the threshold of embracing them and finding out what it means to truly love yourself and respect all of who you are and where you’ve been. No more shame or blame. You’ve come face-to-face with why self-blaming and self-shaming is only for those uninterested in living and uninterested in bringing compassion for themselves and others to the surface.

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    • Dear No Name, you will find many women here who can testity that yes you do get over it and you do get back to you. Heck I even wrote a song about it called, wait for it….”Back to Me”. There were two books that were so instrumental to my healing process–“Women Who Love Psychopaths” by Sandra L. Brown and Sam Vakins book, “Malignant Narcissism”. Hang in there you will get to that place of peace,and you will laugh and say to yourself, “What the heck was I thinking”.

      love, light & hugs

      namaste

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    • Hi there I once was there too. How I got through all the thoughts and spaceships in my mind lol was to think about why I left my NPD and remembered all the bad things he done to me and said. Then as days and time goes by it lessens. Give your mind 10mins each day to think about the good and bad then start your day doing other things and making new memories hanging out with friends, families or just spoiling yourself cause it’s all about you now. It will get better if you give yourself time to go through the grieving part. As they say time will heal and it did for me. You deserve better ;) :)

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  9. I walked out on a female N, couldn’t take the manipulation/lying/feeling insecure/talking to other men behind my back/ criticizing me. I left at the height of her feeling she was in control of me and know for a fact it caught her off guard.

    She tormented me with calls for 7 weeks and then it finally stopped. drove me up the wall with guilt/doubt and feeling bad that I would just coldly turn my back on someone that tried so hard but I felt was so fake and really did make me feel exhausted and insecure. It was my gut instinct always telling me something wasn’t right. Know what I mean on this?

    I got out, I vented to friends and they said they would have gotten out way earlier. I talked to girlfriends and they all told me not to feel bad for one second just because it is a girl and assured me she is an N because they have girlfriends that are.

    I have days like this week where I wake up and the whole day I feel terrific (ended it 2.5 months ago), and then some days where I am just agitated and angry reliving it. Feel so freaking stupid and really EMBARRASSED by being played a fool, being duped. The good days are increasing in length, that is the good thing but cant tap into why I still think about it. Plenty of lovers in my life and never one to do this to me. Don’t love her, I know this, but why the reliving it?

    Blocked her, her family, her online friends on FB, blocked her on my phone and on my gmail account. Doing that killed the anticipation (which all of you should do with NC/its a must) of expecting contact.

    Now there is compete silence. I feel you greatly about having the feeling of being discarded, finally. Even though I was the one to leave, not her, and it was at the height of the relationship, I still feel like she dumped me. Like I got left hanging.

    Your story gave me input/perspective I didn’t consider. I have been discarded/replaced with either another man or whatever. She cant go for long without a partner as all she did was talk about ex’s (there were a lot/and they were always the problem and she dumped them all) and compare me to them as being better in every way.

    Never met any of her friends or men she triangulated me with, met her family and she “displayed” me to her parents when they came to town and I felt it was odd at such an early chapter in our relationship. Did find it funny that her mother asked her where was “The other boyfriend”. lol. Even her mother told her she has been bad. Her sister asked her, when first meeting me “so how long is this one going to last?”

    Any help on how to get over the thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated. I use to work out at the gym a lot, when I met her she consumed all of my time. I am no longer dragging my knuckles but cant seem to gather the energy I use to have to take the next step from leaving work and hitting the weights and becoming myself again.

    Thanks, and God bless!

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    • Anonymous, Thank you for sharing your experience. First, don’t beat yourself up for not recognizing or heeding the early signs. We all hold out hope that we really could be “The One” to fix and change these fools, and they do a damn good job of creating that illusion by placing us high upon a pedestal. But they don’t count on us taking note of all the subtle insults to our character and to the character of others we respect and/or admire. They don’t count on the “little idiosyncrasies” of their character (as they like to lovingly refer to their shitty behavior) to become too much for us to endure despite the lovebombing that gets intermingled and causes so much confusion and begs us to wonder: “Does this person really love me or just the idea of loving me?”

      In the aftermath and the early period of No Contact, use this time to tap into your love of life and learn to better appreciate the qualities in yourself that could never allow you to do what she is easily capable of doing. Examine some of your own crappy behavior now that you see how it affects others and vow to not do or say those things. And also, ask yourself if you are still somehow dependent upon her approval of you. Do you still NEED her to one day come to you and say, “I am so sorry for how I treated you; you never deserved to be treated that way. You are a great man, and I wish you much happiness in your future and with whomever you find love. We were just two very different people.”

      Pfft! I can tell you right now that THAT will NEVER happen. And if she ever does call you or contact you and says something like that to you, her actions and behavior will soon defy her words.

      I think the strongest tool in our recovery and healing journey is when we realize that we are not alone in this and that there are many, many people out here who have experienced the same shit sandwich and are having an equally tough time spitting it out. Don’t allow your worth to be dependent on the approval of someone who is remorseless in her ability to harm others just because she can. Would you be proud of her if she were your daughter, or mother, or sister? Of course not, so accept that this is a person you rejected for a very, very good reason and there is no shame in being discarded by her. She has no interest in knowing the real you and your true values. All she ever did when you were with you was mirror and exploit those values. So take back your values, get to the gym, and consider taking a yoga or meditation class to complement and boost all that hard work. Namaste! :)

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    • Anonymous…

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I too am coming off of a devastating separation from an N wife. We met 13 years ago, and have been married for 4 years. When we met, I was single while she was in a relationship of 3 years. We clicked quickly, and she was so intrigued about hearing my crazy weekends with other girls, and she would always tell me, “…don’t worry, you’ll meet the right girl.” Well, next thing you know she’s crying to me telling me how horrible her boyfriend was; he’s abusive, a cheater, steals money from her, etc. So she told me that she wants to leave him only if she knows that she will have something serious with me, because she “liked” me so much. I was young and naive. Wow, how naive I was. It’s as if she sniffed it out like a stimulating fragrance. “Oh, is that naive I smell?”

      The relationship was incredibly blissful the next several years. A few little red flags here and there, like hiding money, and constant memories of ex’s, and fabricated stories at length that just sounded too fake to be real, i.e., horrific stories of her past, and allegations on members of my own family and friends. But nothing really had me thinking, “yo this bitch is fucking crazy.” So more time passed, and we get married. Next thing I found she had a history of infidelity in her previous relationships. She begins to flirt with guys right in front of me, and allow other guys and girls to flirt with her. Really pissed me off, but I never wanted to make a scene to make her think I was jealous; I’m not really the jealous type.

      So the treatment only continues to get worse, but I never knew about this personality disorder, and their tactics, so I had no idea that she was devaluing me. Yup, that honeymoon stage was over long ago. She constantly is on my ass over everything; I can’t do anything right. While arguing, she begins telling me that she hates me and that she wished she never married me. I thought that was actually funny at the time, considering that I have a great career, provide her with great health benefits, spoiled her all the time, buying her the nicest premier designer apparel, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Fendi, so many shoes and handbags, Burberry wallets, you name it, I got it. I consoled her, comforted her, was there for her like nobody else ever was. I loved this woman and wanted to give her more than she ever had in the past, because remember, her upbringing was worst than any upbringing in the history of upbringings, right? But now I know that none of that matters, none of it!

      Without going into too much embarrassing details (oops, too late) I found that she had multiple extramarital affairs, and one that was the ultimate disrespect; just blatantly raunchy. I approached her, and she flipped out and I told her to leave. Well, she returns eyes full of tears, denying that ever happened, then claiming that I’m making things up, and ultimately stating that I am the one having affairs. We go to counseling and she stops going; and the therapist diagnosed her without a doubt – narcissist bipolar. That’s when my research begins and wow, it’s as if every article is about my relationship with this blood sucking vampire. I continued to stand my ground, and she became physically abusive; I continue to stand my ground, letting her know that I no longer needed her validation, or to admit that she did it because I know for a fact and have proof of it. (I had my audio equipment turned on and hear everything that happened – yes it happened in my home while I was knocked out after she drugged me). Yup my beautiful wife whom I placed on a fucking pedestal betrayed me like nobody has ever before. Every time I looked at her I felt like punching her in her fucking face. And I stood ground, and she hated it.

      She left again and this time I changed my locks and never let her in again. So she’s making up so many lies to her family and our friends, and claiming that I’m crazy and that I’m cheating on her and that she’s leaving me. I see that she has been hanging out in crumby ass bars until 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning, in the crumby ass town where her parents live in which is filled with heroin and crack addicts. I noticed two phone numbers on her phone records which she sends messages too and calls at all hours of the morning, 3:15 am, 4:24 am…WTF?!? I call and both are men who have been messing around with her for the past two weeks, and whom didn’t know that she was married. They both called her “my girl.” Yo I was like this is my wife!! So I’m done and I am not expecting anything from her and will never want to see her or talk to her again.

      However, I will admit I am devastated. I feel that I wasn’t good enough, and I’m beginning to become insecure about myself. I went through a bargaining and denial period when I was wondering what I could of done better to keep her. Now, I feel as if I meant nothing to her; that our years together, our memories, our marriage, that none of it meant anything to her. I have to get a grip on this because I’m beginning to get depressed.

      Sorry this is so long but I needed to get this out. Like I said earlier, “yo this bitch is fucking crazy.”

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    • I’m very sorry you are going through this, anonymous. It really doesn’t matter what value she places on the relationship and your history together. What matters is the value you place on yourself and your commitment to her. Despite everything blowing up in the end, those years are part of you and reflect where you’ve been and where you are today. No need to lose your self-worth just because one person decided to be careless with it, spit on it and disrespect it repeatedly. We don’t always make great choices when it comes to whom we allow inside our circle of trust. This is your opportunity to improve your ability to choose and discern today and in the future. :)

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    • Thanks. I’m so grateful that I can educate myself on her disorder and learn the ways of moving on. I am accepting this reality, and by that I don’t mean I’m accepting it because it’s okay, but because it’s my reality whether I want it to be or not. Yea it sucks, but I have to face it head on. All she’s doing is sweeping it under the rug. She’s not dealing with these emotions. Instead she is avoiding them at all cost, but it’s going to catch up to her one day. When she’s old and that beauty that she so dearly admired and wanted others to admire goes to shit, then what is she going to do? I’m capable of loving someone genuinely. She’s not. She’s going to get herself in the same exact type of relationship and destroy the next guy. I now call her the “Black Widow”. I will move on to a happy ending, but she won’t. She’ll forever feel the misery that is inside of her now. It’ll never leave. And I’m not going to lie, that actually made me smirk right now, and that’s nothing less than what she deserves. I am getting so much closer to realizing that the worst thing that ever happened to me is going to end up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Wow, how ironic. Kinda trippy how that works out.

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    • Hehe! Yes. It is trippy how that works. :)

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  10. Reblogged this on Life & Times after Daddy BooBoo and commented:
    Another good article! I had a hard time not running around trying to correct all the lies he was telling. I had to tell myself the good ol’ reliable quote by Dr. Suess “The people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind.” Basically, those who know or love me know the truth and pity on those who believe his lies.

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  11. I met this charming handsome man on a dating site, my first impression was that he loved himself too much, and maybe too good to be true, (something I should have taken heed of, my instincts)he swept me off my feet, he is much younger than me, so I could not believe my luck, I had attention non stop, he called me night and day, was so gentle and kind,romantic, everything I wanted. As time went on, I began to notice things change, at New Year, we had both had a lot to drink and he took my hands and said you know I love you so much if you were younger we could be married, by then I was so in love with him, this upset me so much I was in tears, but I thought after all he is just young and he is being honest, he is Kurdish so family is important to them, and he would probably want children one day, he would say things like can you imagine me saying to my mum here is Val she is .. age, he brought my age up a lot, such as we were in the car at christmas time I was happy, and he said I would love to go and live in Canada, if you were younger you could come with me, when I seemed hurt he would say, don’t you want me to have a better life. This sort of thing happened a lot, he once said to me you are so beautiful when you were younger you must have been so gorgeous. After we had been close once he said to me I had a dream I was having sex with my ex girlfriend, this upset me so much I cried, and he laughed and said I love getting you jealous. He told me his parents had set him up with a wife in another country and they wanted him to marry her. He once broke off with me saying he wanted to be just friends as he did not have time for a girlfriend, then he asked me to go round as a friend as he had many problems and needed a good friend, so I went to his flat even though I was trying to get over the break up, he had brought me a mobile phone, and wine and meal, he did the charm offensive thing even to the point of throwing himself on the floor when he was trying to seduce me saying he knows he was wrong to hurt me could I take him back. As soon as I did then the phone calls stopped again, This time its been 3 weeks and he has vanished, I e mailed him once but had no response, I am now after 9 months of torture trying to get him out of my head. We all know this is so hard as we always remember the sweet talking charmer who made us feel wonderful but we forget about the nasty stuff , this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I am shaking and crying and upset but he has done this to me 3 times, this time I had no word at all just the discard. It is best to get over this man but my heart tells me something else, and like a fool I would probably take him back if he ever returned. I will try not to very hard.

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    • Val, you are NOT a fool! We’ve all taken these ugly people back or even begged to go back. Why? Because this type of bond is chemical and because we think the bad that we experienced is simply our minds exaggerating our memories. Keep reminding yourself why this person doesn’t deserve your love, time, and attention. And while you’re at it, remind yourself why you deserve you’re love, time, and attention more. You are worthy of happiness. But to get to that happiness, you must be patient with yourself and the prices of your brain chemistry catching up with your logic and heart. Do something you love! Treat yourself to people and places you love! :)

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    • Thank you Paula, I know you are right and lets hope I have the strength to stay away from him if he does decide to come back to hoover up, it’s like water torture goes on and on, thanks again

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    • I forgot to mention Paula, that I never once met anyone who he knew or any of his friends, He hardly took me out anywhere, but he was quite happy to meet my friends. He kept me quite separate obviously from his life.

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  12. I have done exactly the same thing FINALLY. After being married for 8 yrs and being discarded 7 times I am finally done and I have prayed in these last few weeks god tell show me what to do amen !! All of a sudden it was like he was made of glass and I could see right thru him.Things are different this time and he is shitting himself I have gone No contact to the minimal as we have 3 children. If he calls I either say yes , no and goodbye. Truth is I have come to the point where I have to forgive myself now for being so naïve and not aware and I would rather die than be chewed up and spit out one more time and I have come to far to go back to that horrible feeling like lm nothing again. He has lied ,cheated, abused my trust and even stolen from our children all my fault of course pffft !! NO More !! Now my life begins.

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  13. I don’t know where to start, I met my narc whilst in my ten year marriage. My marriage was having a rough patch and obviously I was vunerable to attention. Here is where the narc caused utter devastation! He was a client of mine at the salon where I work and on the particular day he came in I had been upset after an argument with my husband, N was very interested in my marital problems and seemed very considerate. After N left I was sent flowers, a facebook request and a message to say I’m no looney stalker, hope you like the flowers. Then this is when he bombarded me with mental stimulation, he was smart, witty, charming, attentive and seemed like a real gentlemen. Whatever I’d missed in my marriage he was the answer. Narc put all sorts of ideas in my head, we met through fate, he couldn’t live without me, where had I been all his life, he had been waiting for me all this time. I honestly thought I’d met my soulmate! My marriage ended as a result of the bombardment from the narc, I fell in love with my mirror image and my narc seemed perfect, although cryptic messages in his texts were pinging in my head but my heart would rule. I would question his behaviour only to be told, I can’t believe you think I’m playimg games, do you think I’m playing games?? I noticed he started to pull away from me and my gut was telling me something isn’t right. So I decided to text him and ask for space. I then heard nothing from him for about three days, not knowing I was dealing with a narc I text to ask if we was over. I got a reply to say… Why would you think that? After everything I have done for you? Anyway we exchanged a few texts then he would not reply for weeks or even finish our relationship, he always gave me a glimmer of hope. Then in weeks time he would text to ask How are you? Each time leaving me no reply for longer than the last time and the messages were all condescending towards me. I knew something was terribly wrong and found out about npd and no contact, so with no contact from me he did exactly what I knew he would do. He tried to come back to me, but I now had knowledge as power and made hom aware of the fact I knew he was a cerebral narcissist. I suppose I am quite lucky to of escaped before the devaluation stage as I only received it in a text message. I am very hurt that he came into my life only to cause devastation. Time for me now to rebuild my life for me and my two children.

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    • Nicole, you are lucky and will remain lucky as long as you stay NC. They always come back if we leave a heart-space window open to them. You are obviously a caring and compassionate woman. You have children you love. Keep them first and continue to model love and understanding and foster a good co-parenting relationship with their father if possible. But stay NC with the narc, because there is always an opportunity to be discarded by him in a worse way than through texts. :)

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  14. I’ve been involved with a man I believe has a Cluster B disorder (specifically NPD) for the last year and a half and my life has been a train wreck. I found out he had a LTR with a woman in another town and the house he was living in was actually HER house months after we became involved. He preyed on me knowing my home-life was in turmoil (I was trying to separate from my husband and he was right there, rooting me on and encouraging an affair with me once he established himself as a “caring friend”). As soon as I actually separated from my husband… all of the love bombing stopped and the caring person I thought I had found became something else entirely. He turned into a monster, lying, cheating, gaslighting, accusing me of having boyfriends, getting back with my husband, hanging out in bars and all kinds of dumb things. The girlfriend he had stashed away in the other town made her presence known because she’d been suspicious about me all along which made things ugly. The red flags I had ignored earlier and explained away began to get worse and prolonged (the ST, the devaluing, the verbal abuse, the push and pull.. stalking).. and then the cycle would start all over again. Its been hell. He was older than me by seventeen years. It wasn’t that he was SO good looking.. or so anything other than that when we were together that made me stay for as long as I did., He had a way of intoxicating me with the mirroring. He knew exactly what to say to be what I needed.. and I was SO needy. My relationship with my husband had left me emotionally and physically neglected and he came along and spoon fed me. I ate it up like a starving dog. He touched me JUST the way I needed to be touched and said everything I needed to. I never thought a man could lie in the heat of the moment. THAT special moment. I was WRONG. I am now in the third week of what I believe may be the final “discard”.. and I’m finally beginning to detox. I have begun therapy. I KNOW that one day.. I will move on from him. I know that I didn’t really love him. I loved the IDEA of him.. and one day.. I will recover – The sun will shine again.

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    • It’s wonderful that you are remaining positive and hopeful, Nicole. Your story and description is soooo familiar. No guilt. No shame. Just acceptance and faith in your true self. :)

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    • Wow ….. This could have been written by me almost a mirror image story . I too was separated from my husband when the Narc arrived in my life . He totally love bombed me in every way. Talked me into divorce when I clearly wasn’t ready even talked me into signing my home over to my now ex husband as ” we can’t marry and live in that house together “. When the dust had settled and the divorce was over I fell pregnant and he discarded me …. Disappeared in a puff of smoke . They really are the Pitts ! X

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  15. […] said and done, I needed one more dropkick in the face from him and his new narcissistic supply to finally GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD.  Reconnecting with an old high school friend who had just left […]

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  16. Hello, I am so confused and hurt as I have just recently learnt about NPD, my now ex-boyfriend discarded me without any major reason. I am so hurt that I can’t stop crying. He love bombed me at the beginning of the relationship, talked about marriage (it should have hit me back then that things were speeding up very quickly), he almost worshiped me. When I once confronted him, he flipped big time… PLease help me, he has not contacted me in 3 weeks and I am not going to contact him, and I have not since 3 weeks ago. I have self respect and I told him so. I will not lower myself to beg him to come back to me, as he was in the wrong and totally unreasonable but I still miss him, esp from the beginning of the relationship, as he was so caring and simply perfect and he too is incredibly attractive….

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    • Anonymous, I am really sorry you are feeling so lost and confused. I could tell you that continuing “no contact” is your healthiest choice, but it’s ultimately up to you to look within, weigh the burden of this relationship to date, and trust your gut. Are his good looks THAT important? Are you simply craving a feeling or sensation? Good relationships are built on more than physical pleasure and empty kudos that are intended to lead to physical pleasure. If you desire a long-term relationship that requires mature communication, collaboration, mutual give-and-take and patience, stay “no contact.” If you don’t care about being respected, valued and understood, pick up the phone as soon as he calls you again, because he will call or text you again. You know what you want and what you deserve. Trust yourself to make the best choice for your heart and peace. :)

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  17. When I found out the guy who was chasing me relentlessly was seeing another woman a year ago I tried to to break up with him but he was sooooo determined to keep me hooked. He has dated several women since she did not pan out.. He is VERY charming, funny and extremely attractive ..and many years younger than me so of course being a very empathetic and easily flattered person I kept caving..and caving and caving.. the fact that we work together does not help either. I knew he was some kind of creature but this kid was relentless. And I had not dated anyone for a long time since my divorce so I was an amateur and ripe for picking. I started doing some serious work on myself esteem about 5 months ago and I am kind of happy to say I have been doing everything I can (even though my addiction to him is still pretty bad) to turn him off. I have reason to believe the discard has really started this weekend. He calls without fail on the weekends to “hang out” and so far nothing. I am scared and my heart is pounding (the addiction thing) but I am also happy that this is happening now that I am mostly ready to really cut all contact.. I think he has found another “soul mate” I pray for her but I am so ready to recover from this mess. I have never encountered this kind of person. I pray to God I never meet anyone like him again. Is this a Narcissist? Or a sociopath? I wish I could just put a label on him it would provide me with just a little more comfort..it has been almost 2 years of drowning in this. I am getting ready to leave town to just really get away..

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    • It’s less important to label him and more important to recognize the agony you feel when you are in his presence. It doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t a narcissist or sociopath. What matters is that, when in your life, you feel inadequate and not yourself. No relationship is a healthy relationship if one person feels like he/she doesn’t matter. :)

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  18. This article was the cure for my current situation. My father is a narc and I was crushed a few minutes ago when I came across living-room where he was watching TV and since I am not able to ignore anybody entering any space, I looked at him and have seen that he is doing his best to ignore me. We don’t speak anymore, but still living in this same house. My mother is an enabler of this and she is sick of being bystander and taking sides. In my fathers look, you can see some pathological mental state but for more than 3 years I am looking for the signs of adult children of alcoholics (he is the one), the more I came back to narcissistic disorder. And today, even we have seen each other for only a 5 seconds, his attitude crushed me. I needed to find some logic to keep myself sober.
    Thanks a lot for this post, you healed me in seconds and opened my eyes.
    Thank you a lot!

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    • Vladimir, thank you for commenting. I received your message yesterday and responded to you but the e-mail was bounced back. It’s possible you entered your e-mail address incorrectly. Regardless, I just wanted to explain that sometimes comments from new visitors go into moderation. I do that to avoid spam being posted and also to avoid inappropriate responses from going live that have the potential to offend. Thank you, again, for sharing!

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  19. I’m sitting here thinking, OMG!!!! This is my life! This is what I just experienced! I have been lying here, crying my eyes out for two months trying to understand what happened, and now it is so darned clear!!!!!! Thank you for giving me the answers I so desperately needed to begin healing! Being in this
    Kind of relationship totally obscures who you are as a woman and leaves you devastated, demoralized and confused! With this article, you helped lift the veil on the confusion. All I can say is “THANK YOU!!!!!

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  20. It’s even worse when the narcissist is your own mother…I mean who doesn’t want their mother’s love? It took me 50+ years of the push me pull me type thing…and finally after a life threatening injury that kept me hospitalized for 2 years when for lack of other options I had to leave my 2 daughters with her. Suddenly once the single mother she had often praised was made out to be a child abuser (I was not there to defend myself) and my children brainwashed, my youngest child being sent to live with her father (without my knowledge of permission) never to return (it’s been 14 years since I’ve seen her or had a relationship with her) did I finally grow a pair and eradicate her from my life.

    Now she is 78 years old, my father is in a nursing home and she has no one! She systematically drove everyone away…one by one but by bit.

    For those of you in this situation right now, take comfort for if you sit back and wait long enough you’ll one day see that karma has a nasty way of coming full circle!

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  21. I have spent 15 years trying to figure out what “went wrong” in my 23 years of marriage to a man who was a narc and finding this website has been such a blessing to me. I now understand so many things and that all the things I did to keep my marriage together for the sake of my kids only fed into my ex-narc’s maniacal behaviors. For the past 16 years I have racked my brain trying to make some sense of why this seemingly “normal” person could do the things he did to my children and myself. I now have answers. Thank you for all of the information you provide and for a place where I can glean understanding and finally come to grips with the fact that trying to have a “normal” relationship with a narc is impossible. The devastation that he created with his sick behavior has left long term effects on my children and myself but hopefully now we can all begin to understand and heal. Prayers for all of those who have suffered at the hands of people with this personality disorder. May we all find peace and healing.

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  22. When I read the line ‘I left him before he discarded me. I left the toxic relationship at the height of what he thought was his total and complete domination and control over me. I pulled his narcissistic supply right out from under him, and it pissed him off. It REALLY pissed him off.’ in your post, I was able to smile. You and I had the same experience in this regard… I had seen the reality when the mask slipped (actually, it didn’t slip – he gleefully pulled it off right in front of me and bared the ‘real’ him for me as he divulged things he had thought, said, done, lied about, sabotaged, and destroyed for decades) and knew that it was over.

    He was still clinging to me as his supply, but that day I began to form a plan to extricate myself from his grasp and control. When I finally did it six months later, it was with his unwitting help to get me to a place where I was physically and emotionally safe. And oh, was he FURIOUS with me. So much so that he told even more lies to our four children, driving them away from me… they are adults, so part of that is their responsibility, They never contacted me to ask questions about what they were told, they just went along with the version of the story that he and his parents had been telling them for over a decade. The lies went so deep in my family that it undermined me years before I was even aware of the situation. Freeing myself from it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Even with this awful pain of losing my children and grandchildren, I am healthier and stronger.

    Thank you for your encouraging writings, Pauline!

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    • Thank you, DebK. I never get used to the overwhelming sacrifices many make in order to be free from the craziness and undermining behavior of these individuals. And you’re absolutely right; you’re children are adults and have a choice to question or not to question. I saw how lies and ugliness can tear down a family, yet the family remain somewhat intact, either out of indifference or out of shear fear that any one of them could be the next target. XOXO

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  23. I recently figured out my ex is a complete Narc-sociopath. We were together for 4 years and he had discarded me during the first 3 months saying he needed space, excuse after excuse. Turns out I was the other woman and he was trying to get rid of his ex before me, also he was seeing other girls all while saying I was his girlfriend. I didn’t know any of that until months later. He kept me around I asked for him to give us a chance since I was unaware at why I briefly discarded.

    Well a year into our relationship he asked me to move in, everything seemed great but I’m not big on over ego boosting and he acted like a child if I didn’t stroke his ego, it wad exhausting. One day he had his email open and since I trusted him I didn’t think he was cheating on me, afterall he said I was “his everything, his world”. He had a folder created in his email that said “pictures” so I clicked expecting to see pics of ME…nope it was other women nude with dirty messages, and porn sites.

    I confronted told him I was leaving since he was seeing other girls, I lost trust. He begged said he would “change” so we had what I thought a fresh start to rebuild trust but it was hard because he seemed emotionally gone at the same time worshiping me. In the back of my mind I felt he created this new persona afraid I would leave him. He became too good to be true.

    On our fourth year all his friends were getting married having babies, pressuring him so he started saying we should too but I said we’re not financially ready, and rejected the idea. I had lost my job he was only working.

    I was jobless, and I took great care of him & the house, like a housewife. But he decided to find new supply and dump me kick me out and turned into a cold distant monster overnight. He met a customer at work who is a dancer and very social and I caught him cheating he denied and said not true even when I had evidence, he made me feel crazy manipulating everything I said & did making himself a victim.

    I asked why is he doing this he said he’s only talking to her to network his band and to have fun. But he can’t be with me anymore. Once I moved out he stalked me all while taking her to all the placed he took me, calling her my exact pet names yet denying it while trying to keep me attached but her Twitter account showed the evidence.

    I finally snapped and told him he’s a fake and creates a mask for each girl he never loved me he was in love with the idea of me, he only cares about himself, etc. His new girlfriend knew he was with me I read his Facebook, the new girl stayed on the side for 5 months waiting for him to discard me.

    He told her how I couldn’t make him happy, so she told him she could ego boosting him it was dick to read. It hasn’t been a year since he dumped me, and now they’re “so in love” . During our 4 years he displayed A LOT of Narc traits. I feel sick that he wanted me to stay on the side and be his option all while saying the same speech from our first break years ago, he wanted het for fun and once he was done he would’ve came back to me like I allowed before.

    This time I was smart and challenged him he hated that and cut me off completely. The last time I looked at his profile he has made mean songs about me saying he hates himself for once loving me I was a waste holding him back from everything, never satisfying his needs. And I laughed, so hes turned into a victim since I told him about who he really is. It hurts and I know this new girl will feel his wrath once he’s used her up.

    But she feels special, and that he won’t cheat on her, but she showed him that she has no self respect and will be a side girl since she did that with me. She deserves it and he needs help.

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    • Morgen, you obviously know that what happened to you will happen to her. He’ll never get help, because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. As long as he continues to behave as he does without consequences or accountability, he will keep shopping for and disposing of women and other relationships that serve him for a time and then ar no longer useful. It’s quite sad if you ask me. None of us are average, plain Jane women. We are vibrant, gorgeous, highly intelligent and incredibly strong. Why would we waste our time with losers like this once we know what they really are? We wouldn’t and shouldn’t. XOXO

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  24. One day I would be the hero, the next totally a nobody. If we were at a function and one she considered worthy entered, she would gravitate to him and ignore me completely. If I asked why, I was the bad guy. As unaware as she was, as self absorbed as she was, I still did all she asked. Sorry, it got to be too much. I wished her well.

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    • Good for you for walking away from her. It’s never easy to throw away a life you thought was worth caring for and living for.

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  25. I promptly discarded my Narcissistic Sociopath after 18 months of hell, a child between us and I’m expecting another one. I only recently found out what he really was 7 months ago. I had him arrested for domestic abuse, picked my life and moved away and am No Contact with him. I am grateful to be far away and relishing my freedom! Only saw him in court and made no eye contact, I completely ignored him since he no longer exists to me. I am a little fearful of him coming back to harm me or to steal my son, but getting away was the answer to keeping my sanity.

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    • Good for you! I wish for you to remain safe, too. These fools take just to hurt. And when children are involved, they will stop at nothing to strip the good parent of their babies just to spite them, not because they seriously want to be parents themselves. They aren’t capable of being effective and loving parents. It’s a ruse.

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  26. It’s been a year since I actually told someone some illegal things going on in our narcissistic home. Now my narcissist mothers husband is going to jail and she will be without supply. I have no choice but to live in the disfunction at least for another 3 months when i turn 18. My mother knows that I was the truth teller and her abuse has gotten worse but CPS doesn’t seem to hear me that I’m in a bad place but one of my siblings have been removed, which I’m thankful for. Once my step dad goes to jail will my mother take her revenge out on me, will she kick me out and discard me since I destroyed her perfect family?

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    • Dear Jeana, that is a tough question to answer. I hope you have some family member or a school councelor or a trusted teacher or a minister or priest that you can confide in. Please keep telling your story to someone who is close to you so that they can help you. Go to the police if you have to as well. Since you are under the age of 18 I beleive it would be illegal for your mother to kick you out. Know that here you will find lots of emotional support. And I am hoping that someone here might be better able to answer your question. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

      Ivonne

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  27. I have just been discarded. You all know this state too well, when you search for clues and comfort online, and not for the first time. This is that situation. Discarded ruthlessly after five years of him waiting to come to his senses, even explaining him the nature of his disorder and accepting him openly as he is, I am 36 and I want to have children… I think I could have handled him if it was only him to handle (I have become a master of handling, managing and helping a narcissist and I am an independent person, with a good job, income, apartment), but his father is the bigger problem, an even worse case, and he is using his son to fulfil his own ambitions. The old man is super clever, shrewd, charismatic, and has been training his son to be his source of positive supply as long as he lives. I tried many tactics with the bigger problem and failed miserably, achieving only some minor goals, with him laughing openly in my face when we are alone. Two days ago he launched the latest ”project”- i.e. smth to have his son on a leash to invest two years of his time, energy and money in, with me obviously being removed as a lower priority, history being repeated for the 4th time. I cannot believe my bf is not recognizing the pattern! Every time the two of us were supposed to move forward, to marry the old villiain would come up with a project, ruining our plans. The minute my bf started praising the food I served for the old jerk, the jerk’s eyes glared and the latest plan revealed during the desert. Every time his plan was so carefully made (he holds MA degrees in both engineering and psychology) that it seemed designed for a higher purpose, for the good of the whole family and of my bf in particlular, and showed him as a caring father, sacrificing himself selflessly for the family, which is rubbish, regardless of the fact that he is a hard working person capable of many useful things. Sometimes I was dreaming of killing him, the father, in the way that cannot be detected and therefore pointing at me. Of course I would never actually do that, but daydreaming is healthy and doesn’ hurt anyone, I ve been told by a friend therapist. At the point of him disappearing I believe his son would either be saved or become his father, but for the first time be able to use his own head and make decisions on his own. And I would be able to handle him… He indeed has some wonderful qualities, it s heartbreaking how the dark side prevails from time to time and gets stronger every time the old man is activated. I honestly hate his father, he performed so many games and hurt me so many times. I know I cannot blame him either, as NPD is an illness and it is terrible, but I cannot stand this injustice towards his son, towards me. I guess I do not need to mention to you just to what extent I neglected my family, friends, everybody and everything because of my ”love” story. I am deeply sadened by the fact of how many dear people suffered for my relationship. Still, what makes me need a therapist myself is the fact that in spite of all that I am still aching for this relationship and that the strongest feeling I have is this need for him, founding a family together, simple happiness with him, and not the feeling for my wonderful caring parents, who, unlike the old bastard (leading an unhealthy life while being super healthy) have serious health issues. In addition, in my country is very difficult to find a man if you are a 36 old girl, and for man to find women, i.e. vice versa situation too easy. So I am running out of alternatives, crave for a family of my own, crave for this sick relationship and though you are telling me things there is nothing that can really help me. However, reading some of the lines makes me feel less alone in this, thank you, and I hope my long (sorry) story would be at least some comfort for the other victims. Sorry if it is not… you people surely understand me… I am so desperate. ”I’m talking about an emotional discard that happens while you are still in the relationship. I’m also talking about a discard of all his memories of you once he has found a new source of narcissistic supply.” those words, oh GOD. Good luck everyone!

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    • >even explaining him the nature of his disorder

      Here’s the problem… they hate to be exposed and once they know you’re onto them things go downhill because from then on their only goal will be to destroy you…. You should not have told this.

      It’s a conscious thing… it’s evil…. it’s their goal…

      In the beginning they’ll say “I cannot help being like that….it’s not easy you know”

      Well..f*ck that….. they simply choose to be like that. It’s conscious.

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  28. This is what my adopted teenage daughter is doing. How could all the good times mean nothing to her? How can she just walk away willingly? My mind cannot wrap around it. She has had early trauma and a host of issues but this I cannot understand. Did I even know her? Was the daughter I thought I had real? How could she just leave us? We are on to her games. She can’t get away with anything anymore so she just discards us. I am really sad. I am loosing my daughter and I don’t even understand why.

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    • Anonymous, the one good piece of your situation that I see is that your daughter is still a teenager. Many teenagers are VERY narcissistic and don’t necessarily end up developing a personality disorder. Most teenagers grow and mature from their behavior if provided consequences for their behavior. If you allow her to walk all over you, she will continue to walk all over you and never understand that people deserve respect. Her narcissistic tendencies will be her default, and her ability to be empathetic will decrease over time. Have you considered family counseling? Or possibly individual counseling for yourself? You may have issues related to following through with punishments related to your own fears of not being a good enough mother. Of course, I do not know your entire history or situation but don’t feel hopeless. Your love for her can still be a driving force and motivator in your relationship. :)

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    • I do not want to sound prejudiced or insensitive, but I believe truth should always be revealed and I will take my chances now with you. I have two aunts, amazing persons, selfless, kind, smart, successful, beautiful personalities, and their husbands, too. They could’n t have children so they both adopted them. As the time passes by, the adoptees are now over 20, we all realize that they are like separate islands, in their own worlds, sure the parents spoiled them a little, but there is more to it, as if they felt the abandoment at the earliest age, which pushed them towards narcissism or at least egocentrism, and, now comes this brave and maybe not convenient presumption of mine, well their biological mothers left them, is it just possible that they inherited some traits which make them more succeptible to NPD? Be as it may, my advice to you as it is to my aunts, set up the boundaries and rules and simply find the way to get what you want- more frequent visits, respecting your birthdays, helping you when you are sick. I hope your daughter is more grateful and capable of love than my male cousin. To the girl I told to behave or else I will inherited her parents’ house (which is not true actually). Told her not to be selfish bitch and that I would destroy her if she ever hurts my aunt and uncle. I also told her that she would truly be abandoned if she continued acting like that. Mentioned the fact that her biological mother did not want to learn who adopted her because she didn’t care. Cruel, I know, my aunt and uncle would be furious to know of this, but It actually worked. We are on good terms now, she is getting better and better to her parents. Still she is a bit eccentric and too sensitive and insecure. She values the support and is eager to help. Not to socialize too much though, except for the messages. I really love her. As the other girl here said, it hopefully comes with the maturity, the empathy and the real caring. As a teenager my cousin was terrible. The situation is much different today.

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  29. Almost 11 years of being in a Relationship ( on & off ) with my now Ex Nar and i am just about coming to terms with being Discarded, not for the first time, iv’e lost count how many times he’s chucked us away. He did leave me, our 5 kids who were age : 14, 13, 9, 4, 2 in 2008. he vanished for 6 months, i found out he was back with his ex via our 13 yr old son seeing him at a bonfire party kissing her.
    Six months was the longest we’d ever been apart.
    The didn’t last long and We got back together in March 08 and split up in Jun 12, He dated someone half his age for awhile but he’s back with his ex now. I’m glad he’s gone and its over, he was abusive in every way and anyway, at times me and the kids were scared to death, literally. Taking him back was the biggest mistake ever for me and the kids, his abuse escalated tenfold.
    His ex thinks she’s won him back…. She’s more than welcome.

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    • Unspoken, I am sorry you experienced what you experienced and that your children suffered in fear, too. But I am overjoyed that you are out and understand what HE is/was. You and your children are worth so much more than that life you once lived.

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  30. oh my gosh, I get chills sometimes as I read your words. As you know, my husband’s ex- is a narcissist. My main concern has always been the children, who spend 1/2 their lives learning narcissistic patterns from her. In typical narcissistic patterning, I would not say any of my stepkids behaviors are abnormal for a child, it’s just the LEVEL they take these behaviors to- obviously, because they witness their mom doing it. Our “family talk” last night centered on things that are “disposable” – such as napkins, paper plates, and diapers. We then talked about things that are not disposable- people, being first and foremost. My stepchildren learn from their Mom that people are only to be noticed and valued when they are doing something for you, otherwise, get rid of them. It’s an uphill battle trying to correct these perceptions- wish us luck!

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  31. I wish I’d read all this and been able to identify my narcissistic partner for what he was before the completely train wreck that happened in my life! Thanks for this post.

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  32. and what more needs said?! :D

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  33. Great post, Paula. That is one of the toughest part about the whole thing. The idea that you have been made invisible by this person as if you never existed or don’t even exist at all. Good for you for discarding him before he discarded you!!!!!!

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    • I didn’t actually discard him first. I just left him before he could discard me. Unlike his fiancee before me, I was able to jump out of the relationship physically to handle dealing with the emotional end on my own. It took many months after I left and wrote my story to feel okay about discarding all human thoughts of him from my mind. It’s not natural and the process took its toll on me. Thank you, Ivonne! :)

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  34. Wow, you hit the nail on the head, I’ve been emotionally dumped again. Thought it wouldn’t bother me. Great advice, I’ve made all the mistakes you did and more. I’ve made the mistake & waited until he has tossed me aside. I’ve been preparing for divorce, guessed he sensed it. I don’t think it’s another woman, it’s his perfect job. It could be woman or women too. Why is it so hard to let go? Seriously, I read other’s stories & think “get the hell out”! Why can’t I take my own advice. Good question to review again with the counselor. Thank you for you insight & sharing, it’s been exactly what I needed to hear!

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  35. Yep – right on!

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  36. I left my ex, too, but still felt like I was the one who was discarded in some human dumpster he drags behind him as he plows through people’s lives on his journey toward complete domination. I also felt like No Contact was easy in the beginning, but the ruminations and the feeling like he was able to toss me aside like I didn’t matter or like his unborn child (which I miscarried soon after leaving him) didn’t matter brought me to my knees. I broke down after 5 months and called and cried to him and asked why, why, why only to get hate and vile thrown at me. I finally realized after a year of his random texts and calls and even business-like emails requesting access to a website I had started creating for him that I had to make it abundantly clear to him (and to myself) that this person was the piece of garbage, not me, and that I had to close THAT door so he could never re-enter. I used my blog to let him know what I really felt about him and what he did to me and my child. Without calling him out by name, I was able to communicate to him that he was never, ever welcome to call me or text me or come around again looking for me in 3 or 5 years down trodden due to another woman failing to provide him with his simple need to be loved (which is how he lured me in the first place into his hell.) I wasn’t going to fall for his innocent act again, nor was I going to be swept away by his feigned glorification of me ever again. So you need to make the conscious decision to accept that this person is NOT good for you and that if she does reach out to you, you will immediately tell her she has the wrong number. Don’t believe any stories she tries to spin about her failing health or a pregnancy or losing her dog. You must become emotionally detached from all that she throws at you if and when she reaches out again. It seems heartless and hateful, but even nibbling the bait will keep you hooked and susceptible to her inevitable harm. No one can teach you how to detach from her. You must practice detachment with a conscious mind every single day. :)

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