You can't change him. His sickness is stronger than a medieval fortress. All you can do to save yourself is escape.Narcissists, sociopaths, and others characterized with Cluster B personality disorders feed off of the values, knowledge, and sympathy of others. It’s part of their life source, their energy supply. It’s the stuff of vampires.

Stolen Values

The boy has no values of his own, so he steals the values from his current girlfriend, fiancée or wife. The boy mentioned to me that he was initially attracted to me because of my “wholesome Appalachian values.”  I chuckled at this absurdity, thinking how silly it was to assume that I possessed any sort of values, let alone wholesome ones. How would he know? He just met me. Regardless, I let this absurdity slide, because I didn’t know how to dispute it. I assumed he thought being around someone he thought was a good person would make him a good person or at least enhance any goodness he already possessed. Little did I know that my values and my family’s values would be his biggest weapon to use against me. Comments like, “Your family acts so righteous, yet they do nothing about your obvious mental issues.” (Really? How does my family act righteous? My mom goes to church every Sunday and prays every day but has never once preached to me about why I should go or pray with her. And what are my obvious mental issues exactly? Oh, you mean my unwillingness to accept everything you dictate to me. Hmmm? Look in the mirror and then tell me who the sick one really is.)

Stolen Knowledge

He steals knowledge from everyone. He has no formal education (college, trade school, or military) beyond high school.  So, my college education was also something that sparked his initial interest in me: “Wow! I can get a college-educated woman without a college education. Look how smart my girlfriend is I am!” Yet in private, he frequently argued that formal education was over-rated and that the quality of his “worldly” education surpassed anything I could have learned in a classroom. To him, my degrees could be used to impress his friends but also used against me.  When we disagreed about seemingly insignificant things or things based solely on opinion or preference, he would say things like, “Oh, you just think I’m a worthless piece of garbage, don’t you? I’m just stupid and worthless in your eyes, huh?” (Oh, dear goodness, if this isn’t projection, I have no idea what is. Someone obviously spoke those words to him somewhere along the line, but I assure you, it wasn’t me.)  How does a sane person respond to such absurdity? Unfortunately, I just took it and often thought maybe I WAS making him feel that way with my tone. I tried changing my tone and even prefaced things with, “Now, I don’t think you’re stupid, but…” Nothing seemed to make him stop feeling like I was attacking him, so he, in turn, continued attacking me.*

Stolen Sympathy

One of the biggest things he stole from people was their sympathy in order to win anything and everything. He was really good at making people (with values) feel sorry for him when he needed something from them. My favorite, yet least favorite, example was when he broke up with one of his exes with whom he purchased his dog. He cried crocodile tears telling her he couldn’t live without the dog if she chose to take the dog with her after they broke up. And because of her (southern, mid-western, Texan, fill-in-the-blank) values, she caved and didn’t fight to keep the dog herself.  He liked, and I mean REALLY enjoyed, telling this story and laughed with impunity about how he was able to fool her (and her family) on numerous occasions. Everything was about winning and fooling and one-upping people, it seemed. Can I say “red flags ignored” loud enough!?

Moral

Don’t give away your values, knowledge, or sympathy to these fools.  If you suspect you’re being manipulated or conned at any point in your relationship, you probably are. Follow your gut. I can’t stress that enough.

*For the record, I don’t think he’s stupid. But I often wondered if he actually attended high school or if he cheated his way through. I never knew him to read a book from beginning to end. He had a shelf of them, but the collection never grew the entire time I knew him, and he never discussed any of them with me. It’s as if they were his token books used as decorations or something. Weird! It turns out they were just part of the costume for his I’m-an-intellectual-and-so-much-smarter-than-you mask. He always claimed, “I know that already.” Like he KNEW that leaving a jar of Jif out on the counter over night would spoil it because of the dairy cream butter in peanut butter! (Okay, I was wrong, he IS stupid.)

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Humor, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Psychopaths, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing
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Join the conversation! 26 Comments

  1. Awesome blog! Stolen Values (check): I was the crazy one! Due to my unwillingness to accept everything you dictate to me or defend the accusations. Always told him to take a good look in the mirror. He said he has.

    Stolen Knowledge (check): “…he would say things like, “Oh, you just think I’m a worthless piece of garbage, don’t you? I’m just stupid and worthless in your eyes, huh?” Exactly, why would I be with a worthless person, however, when the crazy came out, do not expect me to accept the spotlight in your three-ring circus.
    Did check myself to try to change up how I said things, but that didn’t work either. Got silent with no response and it was then that I was looking at him like he had two heads. WTH? You could not win in whatever you did.

    The last did not apply to MS, which confuses me a bit as MS has most of the traits of the SP but I still believe he has conscience or some percentage of it, but no empathy at all.. Could that combination exist?

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    • Measuring a person’s conscience is difficult. Deciding whether or not they have one is almost impossible unless you have witnessed their horrid behavior and then their reactions to their horrid behavior.

      I saw it first in my ex when he was unable to see why his actions and behavior toward my son were abusive and cruel. I could handle the abuses against me internally, but not against my son. When confronted about how he treated my son, the sociopath would use the same blame and shame game on my son…A 5-year-old child! You do not shame a child. EVER! And when I refused to accept his excuses for hurting my son, the rages would ensue.

      Inside the rage is where I was face-to-face with the conscience-less monster who would stop at nothing to maintain complete and utter control. Throwing me outside…throwing things at me…breaking my things…hiding my things. Remorseless and conscienceless. If there ever was an apology it was to protect himself, not to make me feel better. He apologized to SEEM remorseful, but then he’d do the same shit over and over again.

      People with a conscience don’t continuously hurt those they love with the same ugly words and actions. We sit in contemplation and try and try again to fix ourselves so we don’t hurt another person. These fools are uninterested in fixing themselves. They don’t think there is anything wrong with themselves. All the blame is on us. We have to change. And they make us think that there is someone out there better than us who will love and care for them better than we could. Yeah. A person like that is just a better slave. Any easier target. Someone who can become easily hypnotized by the sociopath’s lies and manipulations. Someone who is willing to give up their own life to lick the shoe of the sociopath. I’m not that person; you aren’t that person. Anyone who is, isn’t their own person. They are just a puppet.

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  2. My ex had framed certificates saying he had his welding ticket and was a licensed heavy duty mechanic. It was years into our relationship when I was innocently looking for something and found blank certificates and partially filled out ones that I assume he got off the internet.
    When I asked about the ones he had framed he denied ever having them.

    No doubt he was smart and I heard from people he knew his stuff but he never even graduated
    either. He would always make it sound like he was the only one holding the company together when he worked. Notice I said when he worked. He usually got fired before his 3 months probation period was over for stealing. Of course it was always false accusations, some one was jealous because he was so good he made every one else look bad. I finally told him you can only be falsely accused so many times. I have never been falsely accused of stealing, if i was I would figure out why they thought i stole something and stop doing it!

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    • It’s like crying wolf. They can only do it for so long before more and more people wake up to their con game. I think my X might be waking up to the reality that more and more people are on to him. He has no idea how many people out there, out here, know he’s a fake and a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It must be excruciatingly painful to have the mask drop, much like poor Dorien Gray. 🙂

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  3. […] Insight, ideas, thoughts, knowledge that is helpful or useful […]

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  4. I can’t believe that I am reading this. MS (My Sociopath) claims to have a B.A. in Anthropology from Turkey and doing math on the dates, he would have graduated at 34 years old with the B.A. The U.S. has an open system of colleges/universities and it is not uncommon to see 60 year olds attend classes, but NOT in Turkey. Turkey has Closed Universities mostly for the 18-24 year old crowd and it is just a cultural difference (from U.S.) that older people do not go late in life for a B.A. in Turkey. Maybe an M.A./Ph.d but still, in Turkey, we’re talking about later 20’s perhaps.

    MS always bragged to others about my M.A. and I was embarrassed. I rarely spoke of it unless it was in context. He invaded my personal files, found a copy of my M.A., that I forgot was even there (not to diminish my education, it’s just not what defines me) and hung it up on the wall at our business (weird).

    I finally asked him where the copy of his BA from Turkey was and he always promised to show me, but never did. It turns out that his first wife really does have a B.A. in Anthropology from Turkey and looking through their divorce file, she writes Declarations on how this was very threatening to him and he would try to sabotage her attempts at receiving an M.A. here in the U.S.

    After reading your blog: Did he take on the first wife’s Education Profile? Anyone out there speak Turkish so we can call up Istanbul University to check up on his so-called B.A. degree? : \

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    • My X’s first wife was less educated than he was. I think that’s why she didn’t last more than 6 months. She was too easy to control and had nothing left to steal and use. He literally used up her value.

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    • Yes, once your “value” is gone, watch out! After 3-years of running MS’s business and growing it by leaps-and-bounds, I still had NO access to our business money. I made the money, couldn’t touch it, he controlled it. Found out that he was giving this money away to other “helpless, in-need, poor” women. He was also buying off people…drinks, gifts, etc to get elected to an HOA board…(watch out for sociopaths on HOA boards!)…

      Finally, 3-years later, I said: You are either going to treat me like an equal partner or I will NO longer come into the business to work!

      Well, don’t ever give a Sociopath an ultimatum. Two-weeks later he would not budge, I would not budge. Holy Hell finally broke out because I was not going into the business, I went and got divorce papers to fill out, he begged me to stop filling out the papers, I did, he filed against me.

      Yes, when your money is gone, you are NO longer the slave to all his needs and whims, you are depleted…HE WILL BE DONE WITH YOU!!! He was out HUNTING other women in a matter of minutes…after I was served the divorce papers…

      Literally: He posted on his Facebook 5-minutes after I was served the papers: Single, Interested in Women. NO ONE FINDING THIS GUY CRAZY?

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    • Of course he’s crazy! He controls the one he’s with while seeking pity from the one(s) he hopes to control some day. Perfect formula but now we know his secret. 🙂

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  5. For the record, my N mom had a huge wall of intellectual books that she had never read.

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  6. Yes indeed, mine is a sucking vortex of evil too. Always trying to get people to give him things for free. Sucking the emotional life out of every room he enters. NO CONTACT is the only way to go. They can’t change. Like trying to build a house with no tools or supplies. Empty, zip, nada.

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    • MS has “exchange service” deals worked out with numerous people. He is an electronic repair man/installer, home repair “guru,” and everything/everyone is a “deal” for him…”I’ll do this for you, you’ll do this for me…” It’s very deceptive though: He will do 10 minutes of tv-repair work. lie and tell the person it took 5-days and the other person will be forever grateful. He then appears like a “super great guy: /” Eeeegad, the Sociopath and the “supporters” are sickos!

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    • Yes mine loves nothing more than the art of negotiation where the other person gets screwed and feels lucky to have met him! No conscience whatsoever!

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    • yes, I thought the “negotiating” thing was because he was Turkish. I’m finding out its a sociopath thing to negotiate on everything. weird!

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    • they are all so textbook! cars, watches, shoes, image….

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  7. Right again! I love the picture you added to this blog. It’s so difficult when you’re in the situation to have the strength to leave. But once you’re out life begins again.

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    • It does, especially once we realize that what happened to us wasn’t our fault. 🙂

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    • it took me 4-years to wake up. He financially, emotionally, reputation-wise devastated me so much that I was stuck with him from the beginning. I saw most of the red-flags by week 2 into our relationship! He wiped me out financially almost immediately and therefore, I was stuck. Okay, I convinced myself that I was stuck or that I could save him or what other creepy nonsense that I stupidly believed. I would rather be poor and hungry (oh, I was) than be destroyed by a monster. I got my pet and myself out alive and that is all the counts in the end.

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    • You are a changed person and getting healthier every day. I see it in your FB posts and comments. 🙂

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    • Thank you for your support. EEEEgad…if I didn’t have some sort of outlet, and thanks to you Paula and your writing, I would be in a mental hospital by now…Are there still Mental Hospitals out there?

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    • Hahaha! I just posted about that in my last response to you. I think they just call them rehab centers now. 🙂

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  8. oh my goodness i almost cried reading this, it just so feels like you are writing about my father. they just rob steal and destroy in every way. it makes me sad that the boy put you through this too. i started seeing a new therapist yesterday and she confirmed for me that it is not a good idea to allow my parents in my life at all. it comes with both relief and heartache at the same time. i’m so glad you not only had the courage to get out but to write about this.

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    • You have a smart therapist. I am relieved for you, too. And I know it hurts, but you have many people in your life who love you and really care about you. And you have your virtual friends, like me, who you may one day meet and make even greater connections. I would love that. 🙂

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    • thank you so much and so would I!

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