light bulb momentDARVO is the acronym for the standard abuser protocol: Deny, Attack and Reverse roles of Victim and Offender, which is exactly what I suspect the boy does to explain away my book and this blog.

I am quite positive that my Sociopathic X has used my blog and book as tools to prove he is the victim and that I am just a bitter ex-girlfriend. I’m sure of it. I believe he has directed his most recent girlfriends (and his few remaining friends and family) to read my blog in order to prove how crazy I am.

First, of course he adamantly denies that anything that he said or did to me was abuse. He brushes it off as normal relationship quarrel-type episodes that “Paula has now blown out a proportion because she is bipolar and has multiple personality disorder.” (I wish I could see him saying this shit with a straight face. He must do it pretty convincingly.)

Once he convinces them of this, he proceeds to tell them that he’s the one who has suffered and had to seek counseling for my abuse, hence the role reversal of the abuse protocol. To further convince them of this and to provide more proof of my delusional mind and a solid reason for why he can’t move on and have a healthy relationship, he directs them to my websites and blog. And the scary part is that they believe him, at least at first. Why? Because they are trapped in his web, spun to perfection during the first phase of his sociopathic seduction.

In predictable narcissistic sociopath fashion, he spends the first part of his relationship idolizing his victim. This is the phase where he seems sympathetic and like the first man she has ever known to be sensitive and interested in really understanding her feelings. She reveals everything about her past, present, and future, and he responds with how “amazing and inspiring and unbelievable you are! You make me so proud to say you’re my girlfriend.”

That phase doesn’t last long for this Sociopath. Soon, he begins to use his girlfriend’s secrets and values against her. He gaslights her, accuses her of not caring about him when she disagrees with something seemingly insignificant, demands that she stop doing things she’s always enjoyed doing because it takes away from his time (even though he calls it “our” time), continuously uses the phrase “if you loved me like you say you love me then you wouldn’t [fill in the blank],” and succeeds in driving her to the edge of believing she’s going nuts.

Fortunately, even though she dismissed my blog as the ramblings of a crazy bitch months or weeks before, she returns to my writings. That’s when she looks at them objectively, and the light bulb goes off. She rethinks this sicko’s motives and jumps ship.

(At least this is my hope. Don’t fall victim to his DARVO attempts. Leave while you can. He’s only going to get worse, and it’s only going to get harder and harder to escape. He once told me that he had a gut feeling that he would never have children. I hope to God his gut is correct.)

Category:
abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Lessons, Love, Narcissist, Psychopaths, Relationships, Sociopaths
Tags:
, , , , , , , ,

Join the conversation! 33 Comments

  1. I laughed out loud it’s so bizarre how virtual strangers can pen your life story…the laughter simply an indication that the ‘truth’ resonated with me…yes I too was ‘crowned’ bipolar by the sick turd…I dare say he doth projected too much!

    Like

    • I find myself laughing at you laughing. If I couldn’t laugh at what happened to me, I certainly wouldn’t be able to keep writing about it in hopes of helping someone else out there realize they were once a part of someone else’s freak show, too. I’ll take being called bi-polar or borderline, but that certainly won’t keep me from revealing the truth. Hehe! 🙂

      Like

    • You go gurl! In hindsight and I would not expect someone new to even get what I’m about to say but I don’t regret the experience. The gift of being able to see dead people has come in handy…I can see clearly now ❤

      Like

    • You got that right!…being called borderline by these pathologicals is actually a compliment!

      Like

  2. They love to tell everyone you’re “crazy”. I would challenge one to an objective MMPI test as a duel. I challenged my ex husband to one after he ran all over the Tri-state area telling his family and everyone he knew (behind my back) that I was insane and refused hospitalization. He never told any of MY friends, though. Because they knew better and would tell him to grow up. Of course I took the MMPI but he evaded, avoided and never did take one – chicken. If anyone on this website is bullied with such accusations, challenge the jerk to an MMPI duel! It will shut them up for good! (When we first began dating he told me – “confidentially” – that his mother was “severely mentally I’ll all her life, had multiple suicide attempts and has been in and out if mental hospitals most of her life”. Recently, after 20 years, I found out that it was not true. Not one bit of it. He did this to prevent any relationship between his mother and I – to discredit her in case she had any dirt on him. No surprise he then told the same stories about me right after we married.)

    Like

    • My sociopathic X tried to talk about his mother the SAME way! He didn’t say she was ever hospitalized but would describe her moods and how she “coped” as being close to crazy. Everything he claimed his mother did, he did in order to cope with the hate he must have for himself AND his mother. Just odd. Strange. Not normal. He would actually claim he and his family communicated at a “higher” level than most. Yeah, a higher bullshit level!

      Like

  3. Paula, Paula, Paula… This is what I’m dealing with right now. I should have learned my lesson the first time around. My Narcissistic X ran off to an ex-girlfriend to escape from my “whining” a year ago and got her pregnant. 9 months later… just days before his newborn was to arrive, he found me on the social networks and cried victim. Why on Earth did I go back knowing all that I knew about Narcissists? Because I never really healed and these MONSTERS blame us so much that we start to believe it. He blamed his Ex for getting pregnant. Doesn’t it take two to tango? So, unfortunately, I took him back. Everything was lovey dovey again until he got tired of putting on a show to TRY to cater to my needs. I got called names, put down, physical threats, etc. My most favorite phrase was his recent put-down: he guaranteed me that “no other man will love my daughters like he loved them.” After his fist went through a wall a couple weeks ago, I left. Now he makes it seem like he left me and he’s so happy without me because I’m the one who messes with his sanity. The reality is that he’s PISSED that I won’t accept the blame and kiss his ass to treat him like the King he thinks he is.

    Like

    • Don’t EVER take the blame. The violent rages indicate those moments when he has completely lost control and isn’t “winning” in the way he wants to win. These fools think they can control our minds. And that’s what makes them dangerous, unloveable, and not worthy of our forgiveness.

      Like

  4. Paula, I continue to experience this cycle in almost every interaction with my ex. I have to tell you that with his diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, this has all been so confusing to tease out. It took a long time after that diagnosis to get to a point where I just couldn’t ignore my gut feelings any longer that there was for sure more going on. The information, the pieces, they’ve all appeared to me and come together so slowly it seems. Since I’ve left it gets a little clearer all the time, and reading several of your posts was so helpful! This whole sociopath element is new to me, and the inconsistencies between what he says and how he behaves with our children scares the crap out of me for their well being!!!! I will be vigilant about continuing to read and learn how I can support their coping with his personality and help with debriefing them on their experiences with him and their feelings around them (as appropriate for their age and understanding). I have a dream of moving out of state and feel conflicted about their resenting me in the future for taking them away from their dad. Of course I wonder if they wouldn’t just be better off without him in the long run, especially as they are so young now. We will see what the future holds for all of us. Thank you for finding me and thank you for your writing and sharing and work!!

    Like

    • Asberger’s? They may seem to lack emotion and empathy, but they do not have that essential trait of deliberate lies, deceit, manipulation and sadism, like narc-sociopaths do. Be sure it’s Asperger’s.

      Like

  5. Ha! Little does he know he does a huge service to every woman he sends to your blog! I LOVE this! Mine always said, ‘If you really loved me you would….” Creepier still “Pretend you love me and …….”

    Like

  6. Paula,
    we should welcome each other to each other’s blogs lol.
    I’ve only looked at 2 of your posts, this one and the one about sociopaths. great posts!
    and I love the art deco picture here. that and art nouveau are my favorite styles.

    Ruth

    Like

    • Thank you, Ruth. I am currently reading your entry post to your blog. Unbelievable stuff! Sounds like we’ve both dealt with serious nut jobs. Hehe! I look forward to continue reading and hope you continue to enjoy my posts. Thanks for the follow. 🙂

      Like

    • lol – nut jubs is right!

      Like

  7. excellent thoughtful presentations here…
    it is very important, if abuse is going to stop, to put as much light on the subject and abuser/bully as possible, liars are always going to lie, but they can not stand the brightness of exposure. truth doesn’t hide, only the bully, abuser and liar…hide.

    Like

    • Absolutely, getmcqueen! Exposing them helps to stop them, at least helps to stop their abuse of us and people we are close to. I’d love if they all hid or hibernated forever. 🙂

      Like

  8. Paula, I do have her blocked and all of her comments to to spam. I have friends who take a peek for me from time to time. I take screen shots of everything. Yes, she is abusing me, and he is by proxy. That she allows herself to be manipulated like this baffles me. She claims to be very anti-bullying as a result of a childhood bullying experience, yet she’s the biggest bully I have ever encountered.

    Like

    • People who profess too much are often times the ones committing the offense. It’s clear he found his perfect partner in crime, so to say. But there is still hope that she’ll awaken from the spell. I truly believe it’s the charm of men like this that blinds women. they know just what to say to get us on their side and make us pity them.

      Like

  9. Thanks for an interesting article, and thanks very much for getting me onto Sarah Tate’s page and the Idiot’s Guide to Cluster B Personalities. Such a great article.

    Like

    • And thank you for sharing your story. I was ignorant about the Hague Convention and it’s child abduction influence. It’s like the options on where to go to escape abuse just keep dwindling. But hopefully your work will help influence the change needed.

      Like

  10. This is a fantastic post: DARVO, I love it. I have lived with that too, where I was abused and beaten by my ex-partner because I ‘provoked’ him. Provoking usually meant the few occasions I was brave enough to contradict something he was lying about or was disassociating from. The worst example of him reversing the roles of victim and offender was when I finally left him with my son and went back to my home country. He then said I’d internationally abducted our child, and used the Hague Convention to get me back. Not once did he acknowledge WHY we’d fled. It does still grate on me that some people are gullible enough to believe that he was the poor left behind father.

    Like

    • Your story is heartbreaking. I read it and followed some links and read some more and can’t believe abuse is not factored into why women (and men, too) flee their abusive spouses and take their children with them. I also stumbled upon a site that helps guide investigators through the muck when DARVO is being used by the abuser. These monsters make everything so complicated because of their lies.

      Like

    • Thanks a lot, Paula. I’ll look up that article. It’s true that the men who use DARVO complicate everything. It’s like they don’t want to be able to see who they are and what they do. They don’t want to take responsibility. Maybe they can’t. I’m just glad I’m out of it now.

      Like

  11. Paula, I know this one all too well. It’s amazing how well they can manipulate situations and your OWN natural responses to cause you to appear as the ‘unstable’ one. Forget that THEY are the one who caused you such vast instability! Forget the friggen gas lighting. The twisting and head games, to cause you to wonder about your OWN sanity. After all, he’s there to “help” you, right? lol! It’s a wonderful thing when the day comes that you can finally look at the ‘boy’ as the eternal FOOL. They don’t know anything about us, because the only things they wanted to know were the outlying facts…potential ammo for later (or sooner) times. Though nothing about you as a person. The wonderful caring heart you have, or even the faithfulness you showed the abuser, while he was in the middle of abusing you. He didn’t want to know of your talents, or even how beautiful you look when you smile. Nothing but ‘facts’. Book-smarts. Superficial stuff that he could pull out of his hat when ever he thought they would suit his con games, and schemes. Yeah, I know this one.

    Block away!! don’t feel bad for blocking the ones that he’s using to further his abuse. Block them, happily, then dance a jig for one more day of FREEDOM!

    Like

  12. Oh my goodness Paula I feel like your writing about my father. I’m sorry he continues to put you through this and bring others in on the attack as well! i know they like to surround themselves with “yes men” so that is hard. i hope you’re okay!

    Like

    • I’ve come to terms with some people thinking I’m crazy. It’s going to happen inevitably. It’s the nature of dealing with crazy people, I guess. Hehe! But seriously, I am okay. I just wanted to share this because I stumbled upon the term in another blog today and could relate. Thanks, Zoe G. 🙂

      Like

    • i’m glad you’re okay!

      Like

  13. Paula, I love this! My ex IS doing these very things. His girlfriend stalks my blog and leaves nasty comments using the email address of some poor woman in California. She calls me crazy, post how crazy and bitter and delusional I am all over Facebook, her blogs, Twitter, and his family does the same. She met me one for two minutes. And what does he do? Not one thing. He doesn’t have to. He has so many other people willing to bad mouth me for him. They have no credibility, and I pray that someday the light bulb will go off for this woman. She’s been so cruel that I wonder if she may not be a sociopath herself, and she lies quite easily. And just like him, she’s a coward. My son and I ran into them today and she bolted by is so fast that if she could have run without looking like and idiot, she would have. I love my son so much. That he has to be around these people is what is so hard for me.

    Like

    • It’s pathetic. I have a friend who deals with a similar situation with her kids and her X’s new wife who is mean and nasty and probably diagnosable, too. Can you at least block those people from your FB timeline and posts? I think you can block her from posting or at least make just her posts require approval before posting in WordPress. I’d save them just to have proof of her ignorance and abuse to you. Because that’s what it boils down to, she’s abusing you because she’s bitter that you would write such things about her man. It saddens me that women are choosing to believe the liars. I shake my head at this almost daily. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

      Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: