Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath

20130301-181031.jpg
Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:


Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.

I am no psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. However, I have lived alongside a narcissistic sociopath and feel the need to share, even if in a tale-like fiction setting, how I understand the psychopathology that insidiously penetrated my body, mind, and spirit until I was nearly convinced that I was the evil one. How? Projection, transference, and control, that’s how.

I hope you enjoy this story and pass it along to your family, friends, others you love, and anyone you suspect is or has been a victim.

Paula Carrasquillo ~ July 2012
Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath


Paula Carrasquillo, M.A. lives and works in the Washington, D.C. area. She holds a master’s degree in Communication and Adult Education and a bachelor’s degree in English. Paula is currently enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training program and hopes to be certified in July 2014. Her next book, “Embracing Your Light: Healing and Recovery from Pathological Abuse and Trauma,” is set to be published in August 2014.

608 thoughts on “Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath”

  1. This articulates my exact feelings. I also am shocked at the illogical process by a justice system lacking of any justice in which these people can control the law. I’ve been dealing with false allegations resulting in a TRO. When the plaintiff reached out to me via email saying they wanted to drop it etc and it was getting out of hand I, thinking a sociopathic narcissist had a change of heart, called to talk like adults. I was arrested the next day for violating a restraining order. I recently lost my job and have had to spend about 15,000 in lawyer fees as they are allowed to file for a restrsining order, have it become final and then drop it. It’s a kalfkaesque nightmare.

  2. Under siege said:

    My girlfriend is a wonderful person. Her brother is a narcissist. His girlfriend is a narcissistic sociopath. She, the girlfriend, has decided that my girlfriend is her enemy and she is systematically poisoning my girlfriends brothers mind against her to the point of him becoming physically violent. He came into her office last week and smashed her desk into kindling during a screaming fit of furry. All the time accusing her of things she never said or even inferred. We are all in our 50s and 60s. It is becoming more and more apparent that the brother’s girlfriend is doing everything possible to end any relationship between my girlfriend and her brother. But to what end? It was equally apparent prior to this that she was trying to put an end to my girlfriend and I. We used to go out together and towards to end of our socializing I would look up and catch her looking at me like she wanted to stab me with her steak knife. Then there were the numerous times that, when they were at our home for a birthday or some other occasion, as soon as I stood up she would jump into my seat before I would come back… Every time. She would even go to the extreme of moving my dinner dish and move to my spot at the dinner table. It was bizarre. My guess is that she saw me as a threat to the delicate balance she had achieved and her perceived ownership of my girlfriend before I came along and ruined everything. Anyway, is there some way of opening my girlfriend’s brother’s eyes to the fact that he, a narcissist, is dating a narcissistic sociopath, or do we wash our hands of them and make a run for it?

    • It may be best not to engage. These people can be very unpredictable in the lies they spin, and you have no idea what lies have already been set into motion through triangulation and manipulation of others. Uuuuggghh! I’m really sorry you are dealing with the insanity.

    • Under siege said:

      Yes, the insanity… My girlfriend and I bang our heads together trying to understand the motivation behind them turning against us. The brother’s girlfriend just wants what she wants and her action is not the product of rational thought. So, the answer can’t be the product of rational thought. Hence, since her brother is a narcissist and can’t ever admit he’s wrong, his reaction to his narcissistic sociopath girlfriend’s manipulation can’t be wrong either. The worst thing you could ever do for a narcissist is give him a narcissistic sociopath for a girlfriend. Talk about toxic!!!

  3. Its amazing how many traits my ex had.he fits the description of a NS.I didn’t know it until I left him..that was a 1 year ago and im still thinking of him..he sent me a text that was meant for someone else..in it he says he’s engaged and so happy..why would he send this to me accidentally or on purpose. .I didn’t respond..

    • Because he wants you to think about him and to be affected by him. He likes knowing he still can pull your strings and control you, even in his absence. These fools are absolutely delusional. Everyone affects everyone to a degree. The fact you think about him is normal. You think about everyone who has ever entered your life. It’s normal. But to this fool, he’s the only person from your past you think about or consider. That text was no accident. Good for you for not responding.

    • Tom Wilcox said:

      You’ll know you’re getting the NSSOB out of your system when you don’t even bother looking past the “from” line before you hit delete!!!

  4. Hi, I’m not sure if my husband is a NS

    • Then start with what you are sure about…how he makes you feel about yourself and your worth. If being with him drains you and makes you feel worthless, confused and depressed, even if you can’t define what he is, you can define the relationship as toxic. I’m so sorry.

  5. I am so glad I came across this site. I am just getting out of a five year relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. It has been a very difficult, confusing, life changing experience. I am in therapy but still am having a very difficult time. I loved this man with my whole heart, it is so hard to look back on all of the horrible words and events of our relationship and comprehend at all why I miss him and cry. It is unfathomable to me that he never loved me. I pray that in time I will heal and make peace. I have been on many sites and have read so much. One common theme seems to be that I should absolutely NOT contact him now that he is out of my life. So hard but it has been ten days with no contact so far. Thank you for your site and information.

    • Mari, I’m glad you’re finding validation and realizing what all of us who have been where you have been absolutely agree is the key to moving forward: no contact! I know it’s hard. I do. I was the queen of breaking no contact. Each time I did, I was sent back to square one in my emotional recovery. Reading sites like this will help you maintain no contact. Be strong and never be ashamed to reach out for help. Namaste! ~Paula

    • Anonymous said:

      I’m proud of you. 10 days are a good start. One day at a time. I too, have been involved for 4.5 years and am at 10 days with no contact. I know he will contact me again. It’s what he does. This new victim, he’s now back with again after breaking up with 3 times. I finally emailed her a warning knowing I shouldn’t hv. Of course she didn’t know about me and I know she is believing his lies, but felt I needed to tell her. I will hear from him, either hatefulness for contacting her or pleading to come back again, either way, I will not respond. I always have before, just to get me back where I was, loving and believing in him, praying for change. It won’t happen. I finally choose me ! U hv to choose u and realize you deserve more and true love. The sociopath has no ability to give you what you need or deserve. Let him go ! Choose to love and accept YOU ! Heal from this. You can, and you will ‘

    • michelle said:

      I have been with my husband for 27 years, in the begining never felt so loved and understood.Now never felt so dessolate ,bereft and abused.He has left my son and I completely financially and emotionally destitute.He lied ,he cheated,he manipulated everyone.When you are hit or raped etc. you can go to the police or the courts.When you are psychologically and spiritually and emotionally destroyed by a cunning evil individual who steals your time, your self respect and your personality and confidense you have no recourse anywere and no way of truly explaining to those who have not lived it.This is the best understanding I’ve seen of anything I’ve read because it’s actually been lived by the writer and therefore,rings totally true with anyone who is also suffering at the hands of these calouse people.

    • I’m so sorry you have experienced this, too, Michelle, but thankful you realize you aren’t alone and can find validation. :)

  6. I have been trying to figure out for years what is wrong With my ex. I stumbled across this website and saw the dsm iv breakdown of the behaviors. I feel better knowing I am not insane. I knew in the beginning of the relationship that there was something wrong because the stories he told contradicted themselves and he mooched off of others … He can not or will not keep a job. He acted as if I asked too much of him to get one when we got married. To this day he will not get a car. …He refuses to drive. He uses others for rides and begs me saying how he has no one else. .. What makes matters worse is we have a son together. When it’s visitation time., he says I am using him as a babysitter. …I can’t deal anymore. He fits all but one of the traits of sociopath and 5 of the narcissistic traits. How do I get rid of him? I’m afraid he is going to become worse and hurt me or emotionally damage our son.

    • Unfortunately, you can’t get rid of him but you can refuse to engage his crazy-making moving forward. You know you’re much more than a babysitter, right? Who cares what he thinks. He’s not going to do anything to hurt you or emotionally damage your son as long as you continue modeling love, patience and tolerance. My 2nd book, which I am in the middle of writing, will hopefully provide helpful and more in-depth insight into approaches to coping as co-parents with these types. The first key is to not engage or allow them to control you emotionally or financially.

  7. Lost to say the least said:

    I would like to tell my story with maybe some hopes of understanding. Do i have this problem, does she, or did both of us. Please don’t attack me I’m just looking for answers.

    So here we go. I met this girl who just walked away from a five year relationship like it was nothing at all. About 10 days after leaving him she was dating me. We fell in love so fast it was amazing. We both said this is the feeling people talk about when they meet the one. We talked about our future often and were engaged in nine short months. Everyone was so happy for us. We tried to make wedding plans for about 3 months then just stopped for some reason. I was confused as most women who get engaged are head over heels about wedding plans. Time went on she got a job working third shift in a factory and things started getting harder. I began to worry about her cheating with guys she worked with. We were fighting often. She always would say that i had this Shitty tone with her that for the life of me i just could not see no matter how hard i tried. Her drinking started to get worse and worse as did our fighting. She would often accuse me of looking at other women. That of which no other woman compared and i would often remind her that i only wanted her in my life. While drinking she would often break down saying how fucked up she is. How much her terrible childhood had ruined her. Her mother instilled in her to count on a man. I always told her and showed her that i would always be there for her. She once tried to leave me because she said she needed to just be her she had always been in a relationship. When this was going on i wrote her a very long letter telling her what she meant to me, printed off every picture we had together and left home for her. After all this i learn that she had been messing around with a great friend of mine for months and was contemplating leaving me for him. When i confronted her about this she Initially denied it until i provided proof. I never tried to walk away just asked why and how do we fix it. She had told me that i didn’t make her feel wanted it was my fault. This i know is where i went wrong, i went through the phone records to see what had really been going on, upon doing this i learned that she had been sending him and i the same naked pictures and talking to many other men from work. When i confronted her about this she became very angry and left me for going through the records. After five days she came back jumping into my arms saying she couldn’t live without me. I was so happy to have her back. She wanted some time apart. We took about a week and i was trying to get her to come back home. She finally did but said she was home but was not ready to. Once she was home i was always close and cuddly to her for i was so happy to have the woman i loved so dearly back home. She began complaining that i was suffocating her. I mean why wouldn’t i be close i had nearly lost her. A month later her drinking was getting very bad again. She was very mean to me when she drank. The smallest thing would Set her off. As she kept turning more and more into an alcoholic things kept getting worse. Our once besutiful relationship just felt like we were going through the motions. She was becoming very depressed and even suicidal. She once told me what made her happy was her car. I was taken back by this as to it is just a material thing. We even had a fight about the dog with her telling me and fighting with me that i loved our dog more than her. I recorded the fight as she was drunk in desperation so that i could show her how she was treating me. The next morning i tried to show it to her and she would not listen to it. It only pissed her off that i did that. Right around this time i had the gut feeling that someone had been at the house while i was at work. I asked her about this and she said it was not true. Then one day i got home the front door was open and she was passed out face down on the couch with her phone beside her. I turned her phone on and seen texts that my suspicions were true. A guy from work had been there. I woke her up and asked her about this and she denied it. After handing her phone back to her she knew that i knew and she confessed. I hate being lied to hate it. She tried to say they were just friends. Then i seen the message oil open on the table. I asked about that, she said his shoulders hurt. I was irate by this time. She still begged and pleaded with me they were only friends. But she had still lied. I let this go and tried to move on. I wanted to let go and walk away but just couldn’t, i loved her too much. So while feeling this way i sent her a text that we both knew it was over but neither one of us knew how to say goodbye. She replied and agreed. That really shocked me and scared me. The next day i tried to take back ever saying that wanting to just work through things and that we could make it. Then a member of her family became very I’ll and was dying so this whole thing got put on hold. While she was at the hospital i kinda felt like i wasn’t part of the family anymore. Like i was being cast away. I asked if she needed me there and she said no so i strayed home. A couple few days later i picked her up from her familys house she was distant to say the least. On the way home i asked if she was ok. She said she was just fine. So then i asked ok so where do you and i stand? At this time she freaked out and said i was being selfish for asking that even though she just said she was fine. We fought about it the whole way home. A few days later we had set a day that we were going to talk. Upon getting home she told me she had made up her mind and would be getting her things on the weekend, we were done. I began dry heaving and throwing up begging her not to go. She left and come Sunday she was a no show in the morning. So i went to her parents only to find her in bed with the guy that had been at my House. I tried to ask for an explanation as she only yelled at me saying she didn’t owe me anything. She ended up showing up with her parents and ended up going upstairs laying on our bed crying that she didn’t want to move out but knew she had to. But only 15 min before she was yelling at me as to put on a show in front of that guy. So she moved out and she would talk to me but was very short. I would tell her that i thought about her a lot that day and she would say the same but say this was it. I was still trying and trying to get her back for i would have never gave up on us no matter what. Out of curiosity i ended up looking at the phone records from the end of our relationship. And as a note i had never done this since the first time. However upon looking i saw that she had been talking to a new guy that she worked with for three weeks prior to moving out. She talked to him for two hours the very day she moved out. Even after seeing this while dropping some things off at her parents i still got on my knees like a fool trying to get her back. She kicked me out. I am so devastated by this time and its been a month. So later on i find out she was sleeping with this guy less than a month after she left me and he is married with two kids. I’ve still tried and tried to get her back and now i can’t talk to her.
    So now 5 months later i am still absolutely devastated. I haven’t been to my own home in months i can Barely function in life now. I am the shell of a man that i used to be. I don’t know who i am anymore. I’m so lost and can’t even see a future in front of me anymore. I now suddenly hate my job and feel like my whole life is caving in on me. She has told me that she is herself again and that all this was my fault. I feel like a piece of shit, i feel like garbage. She has taken all my pride all my self worth everything. And nobody understands how i feel now. They don’t get it. Am i really a sociopath/narrscist? Is this why i keep getting cheated on and treated like shit or do i keep finding these type of girls? I just can’t take having my heart shattered anymore….. I can barely get out of bed and function In life now. If it is me i have to get this fixed, i want to. If not i have got to see the signs earlier so i am not crushed like this. She just moved on like i was nothing at all to her.

    • Lost,

      Regardless if it’s you or her, you obviously see that the relationship was toxic and only served to bring more drama and confusion into your life. Often times, people become addicted to this chaos and drama, which explains why many end up in these relationships over and over again. It becomes a familiar comfort. Crazy, huh?

      The great news is that you’re obviously tired of this feeling and you want to change. For you to begin your transformation, there is no need to place absolute blame on you or her at this point. You’re accountable for your part despite her lack of accountability. Just because she insists on blaming you for everything doesn’t make it so, okay? Healthy people with a conscience and an ability to feel remorse and empathize with others may get angry and lash out at their partners crappy behavior, but they eventually feel guilty and shameful and make attempts to make amends and help each other find closure. Unfortunately, if we’re in a relationship with a sociopath or narcissist, closure is never reached because the sociopath/narcissist NEVER admits fault…never! (Unless they think admitting fault will win them something…like pity and more narc supply. But even then, they aren’t really sorry. It’s just another manipulation. They say what needs to be said just to gain or attain something.)

      If this is a pattern for you, you may want to seek the guidance of a professional counselor who can help you more.

      Your ex may or may not ever apologize or take responsibility. You need to accept that in order to move forward. Otherwise, you’ll continue to ruminate and over think your part and feel more and more blame and shame.

      Good luck to you. Be patient with yourself. :)

    • Anonymous said:

      Lost-

      Romantic love is an addiction. There are chemicals at work in your brain that can glue you into a toxic relationship, just like the bond that forms in a positive one. Those chemicals don’t distinguish between good and bad. They are part of what mother nature gave you to enable you to procreate and raise a family. Your emotional chemistry has been played with by betrayal.

      For some folks, not all, betrayal can create an even stronger compulsion toward a person. Think of it as the immediate cessation of alcohol to an alcoholic. They would become desperate for their next drink.

      Because the chemicals of love are internal, we don’t recognize their hold on us. Right now, you are in a state of intense longing. Just like an alcoholic needs to abstain, so do you. And through abstaining, you’ll begin to see what happened to you with greater clarity.

      Right now, you’re still reeling from blame and shame that was hurled back and forth while you were together. You did not act in a narcissistic or sociopathic fashion when you tried to get to the bottom of what was happening. That’s simply the ploy that she used to guilt you when you uncovered her bad acts. You behaved in an adaptive fashion. It was her infidelity, not your desire to protect yourself that was at fault. Stop heaping that guilt on yourself.

      You put up with a great deal. One day, you’ll encounter a soul mate who will be worth the forgiveness you bring to a relationship. This woman wasn’t. Be careful about choosing partners. If it seems too good to be true, quickly, you may very well be falling for a sociopath. Inquire about their past and look at whether they exhibit meaningful kindness toward others.

      You’ve written it down. Read it over and over so you can remind yourself how bad it was and remain in reality. Any time you think of going back, read it again.

      Wishing you the best on your road to recovery.

      Joyce

    • Thank you, Joyce! As always, your input and knowledge is invaluable. Namaste!

    • Anonymous said:

      Was her name Trisha? Lol.
      Sorry dude, but you just regurgitated my story of 13 yrs with my now ex wife. Except my ex is a drug addict.

    • Lost, it sounds like you are a good candidate for counseling. You are not to blame, but I am concerned that you are not functioning in your daily life. The drinking was not your problem, it is your ex’s problem. From reading your post, there were red flags about this woman from the very first paragraph. I would suggest that you re-read what you’ve written here; better yet, print it out and take it to a professional and show it to him or her. You need to get a firm grip on reality. You have your entire life ahead of you. Just take it from one who experienced something like this seven years ago, this gal did you a favor when she moved on. Please, whatever reason she gives when she runs out of men to victimize, do not take her back.

  8. Paula has become an angel to my soul. I’ve shared with her my ups, as well as my downs of the 2-1/2 year relationship I had with a Narcissistic/Sociopath. I’m completely convinced and honestly believe I was involved with this person — fell in love with this person. I’ve talked to friends, cried to friends, cursed to friends, experienced complete anguish over the relationship that I had; yet, too embarrassed to speak to anyone in my family about my relationship with this man.

    I make every effort not to cast judgment on another human being. The signs over the 2-1/2 years and the final dagger to my heart two weeks ago, led me on my quest for answers. Why did I allow it? How could I continue to “go with the flow?” Why didn’t I use my “gut” instinct — my intuition when red flags flew so vividly in front of my eyes? I’m a hopeless romantic; I try diligently to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, including men of which I become involved with and ultimately fall in love.

    I’m sure I’ve offended some of my friends; I’ve made every effort to ask forgiveness for the total meltdown — and I mean complete and total MELTDOWN they experience by me via phone two weeks ago. All I can ask is that they love me, support me, and send prayer and positive energy to my heart and soul as I heal.

    I still love this man. I think of him frequently throughout the day BUT, I also think of the mental pain and sorrow he also placed on my heart.

    Let the healing begin. It won’t happen overnight but I do have faith that, in time, God will see me through this and I will emerge stronger, happier, healthier and eventually my heart will heal to love again. Time heals all wounds…

    From my heart to your heart, I wish you peace, health, and a renewed spirit.

    Namaste

    • Hi Nyla-

      It is so heart wrenching to find that the person you put faith in was not what you believed. All here, who have experienced similar pain, can empathize with what you’re going through and wish you well on your journey to recovery.

      You mentioned something that I’d like to clarify for you, so you stop wondering why you still have feelings for him and frequently think of him.

      Sociopaths are very good at spotting people who have empathy and a code of conduct of forgiveness toward a loved one. If you were not a loving, giving soul, he would not have targeted you. So don’t be too hard on yourself for not kicking him to the curb earlier. Your ability to unconditionally love prevented you from doing so. The trick is to unconditionally love people who have better character and intent.

      The rumination going on in your brain will eventually stop. You might try writing down your saga so you don’t feel inclined to keep it replaying in your mind. Doing so can help you sort things out better than having random thoughts.

      Now that you’re aware that sociopaths exist, you’ll be harder to fool. Make sure to look seriously at a person’s ability to relate to the pain of others before you give your heart away to them in the future.

      Wishing you a speedy recovery.

      Joyce

    • Perfect advice, Joyce. Writing the saga down serves many purposes, the least of which is to keep the mistreatment by the abuser at the forefront of our minds. We naturally go to the good memories. When we do that in the aftermath of pathological abuse, we cause ourselves more and deeper cognitive dissonance. When we have it written down, we can easily pick up the document, read it and quickly return to reality and state of validation with less guilt and minimal self-shame and blame.

  9. I’m 1 month free of my N wife yet I keep reading and reading about it. I felt all the abuse mentioned above. She was text book from the onset till the time I stood up for myself, after almost two years of my own research trying to figure out what I was witnessing. I think I’m one of the lucky ones in a way.. I stuck it out for a bit over three years “hoping to help her change” “wanting to fix her” Being put down, caught in constant catch 22′s.. I say I was lucky because I let her play her game..I recorded many conversations we had on my phone, what a gold mine of evidence for a theropist…I kept a journal at work. Stay focused on who YOU are this was the key to my escape…healing starts rapidly if you know your not at fault. I love her. I just can’t love her. Best of luck to all. Back to waking up with a smile!!!!

    • Congratulations, Rich! Thank you for your encouraging words. Namaste! :) <3

    • rich j. said:

      Today was my court date. After a sleepless night, stomach in knots, sweating for no reason, having flashbacks of the many times I told her “I love u” and received blank stares and being blamed for the eggshells. As I sat starring out the window while she made small talk with the judge with the occasional “haha” following something she said. I just wanted to cry. Show the judge my psych report, tell her the story…let her hear the recordings on my phone… I did nothing…her show went on, dressed like she was running for president. I remained silent unless spoken to. Trembling at her voice…every word made me cringe, its over now, never having to have contact with that emotionless being ever again. I’ve been practicing no contact for a while now, its the only way back to sanity… now to change my phone number… and beyond that, back to my hobbies and my daughter, the two things that I love the most. Thanks to everyone putting there stories here, it hurts to read them as I have teared many times for you as I can relate to the pain so much. This site and others pushed me to stand up for myself. I did it…I’m done..I’m free to be me.

    • Rich J., I am so happy that this is now behind you. I can imagine the internal upheaval you were experiencing inside the courtroom. To us, these people have zero demeaning qualities once we see how easy it is for them to discard and dismiss us, regardless of how the relationship ultimately ended. We think we’ll miss them in the beginning stages of letting go, but we ultimately wake up one day and they no longer hold a space in our present consciousness. It’s so freeing! I wish you and your daughter peace and joy and love! Namaste! ~Paula

  10. D

  11. Hi! I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Award. Check it out here: http://letmereach.com/2014/03/02/sunshine-award-nomination/

    • Anonymous said:

      How fitting! Paula’s blog does a great job of dealing with a painful and complex issue! Great choice!

  12. desperte grandmother said:

    You asked what I’m willing to do, we have already hired a lawyer. Of course my daughter is mad because new didn’t use that money to buy her a car or a place to live, she does live with us. My fear is she will either neglect the baby or worse sell it. I would not put it past her. I’m willing to take money out on my house that’s been paid off for years just to keep paying the. My daughter refuses to even take meds and I even think they make her worse. My husband and I both are ready to raise our grandchild. Until she is 18 in private schools and in church. I’m ready to put the child into therapy as she can talk. I’m ready and willing to do anything for my grandbaby, heck I’ve already kicked a 20year smoking habit, just so my grandbaby would not have to be around a smoker. I will go as long a God allows me to live to help my grandbaby

    • If you want to take this offline, email me at Paula.carrasquillo@me.com. :)

    • Anonymous said:

      Hi Tom, thank you, I know I’m a to blame as for some or even most of her actions. I did throw her out at 18 I turned phones off, I refused to speak to her or help her. She moved across the country and she got a gathering of “haters” omg some of the things they sent to my about my kid. I didn’t defend her, I didn’t help her. I felt my hands were tied when she became pregnant. As much as she needs to be on her ass or in jail, I’m just not heartless enough to hurt my grand baby, I know she will use the baby to get what she wants, that’s why my husband and I have filed for custody of the baby. Its so bloody hard to even think that something bad will happen to my granddaughter. I just can’t stand back and do nothing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to that baby.

  13. desperte grandmother said:

    Hello, sounds like most people here might be able to help me or point me in the right direction. Ok ready? Here we go…. I was a single mother at 17. Trust me when I say I know I made my mistakes but I don’t think I made one huge enough for me to think my 21 year old daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. She moved to LA (California) a long way from home. We only got calls from her when she was homeless, penniless, hungry, sick or high. So often that we had to turn our phones ringers off at night to keep her from waking us up. She was out there for about 7 months with her Facebook always stating how successful she is, how band members and clebs just couldn’t get enough of her, she came home from Las Vegas on a bus paid for by a mental institution. She stated with us until about February 2014.same thing again when she was back in CA. Same calls to us all the while her Facebook shows how “famous ” she is. She returned home on my dime on the last week of June of this year pregnant……….. I know my worse nightmare, she used drugs the entire time she was pregnant. I kept telling her DCS would take the child, and 15 days after the baby was born sire enough they did take the baby, thank God she is healthy. I know my daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. Omg the lies she tells, the amount of times that we have had to call the cops because every “safely plan” we have the last thing is to call the police. She pushes it to that every time. For example last time we called the police was when we went looking for the weed in her room (she lives with us because her friends turn out to not be “true” friends you know, always them never me as she says. Anyways back to the police, we (my husband and I) removed the pot from her room and put it in our safe. She came home and EXPLODED that we rook her weed she started breaking everything in the house and of course at the “level” we r suppose to call the police. We did she ran, later calling our home and spoke with the cop if she had any charges against her, she didn’t come home for days. We can never get the truth out of her. If she says its raining we actually go check because of the lies, we catch her lining, I’ve told her she best write down all the lies because she’s even forgetting in the heat of the moment. Ive started to try and record things when I think they r getting out of hand, of course a lot of times I can’t get to the recorder or she will see me doing it, she has broken my nose twice as a minor, all my ex boyfriends told me to pick them or her, of course I picked my child over a man, I knew she had issues, I dragged her to countless therapist with each and everyone saying that she needed inpatient care. I put her into inpatient care, it didn’t work, everything BLEW UP and she got in trouble with the law AGAIN, that time I went to court I pleaded with the judge to help me, I told him that I could buy her the nice shoes, pay for her horses (yes she had horses), I could do anything she needed EXCEPT keep her safe from herself. They moved her into docs custody and placed her into a level 3 lock down facility until she was 18. Then they sent her home, now she’s 18 I have no power, I can’t make her take meds, she did stop taking meds, she cuts herself alot and has nerve damage due to all the cutting she has done on her left arm (she’s right handed) everything I do is wrong according to her, she tells everyone that we (my daughter and I) have a volatile relationship. What they don’t know is she has a volatile with everyone and anyone who disagrees with her, old friends of hers from CA contact me and ask me what is wrong with her, she steals, I know she has prostituted herself just for a place to sleep. She tells me one thing then tells my mother another, sometimes I think is she nuts or just trying to start trouble. My mother is afraid of her. We all have seen her “2″ faces, the real one and the one she puts on for everyone else. There is years of this, we see it why can’t a trained professional see it, I know she has been in the “system ” enough to know what NOT to say. There has to be someone out there that is smarter than her, heck I’ve contacted Dr.Phil so many times for help. I’m lost and I need help. My grandbaby is now in states custody, my husband and I hired our own attorney to get us custody, but of course the court gave my daughter one and he thinks my daughter is perfectly normal, boy oh boy he is soooooooo wrong. I’m terrified my daughter will get custody of her daughter back and something bad will happen. I’m in tears writing this, this isn’t the babies fault. I could write a book just on what my daughter has done just while being pregnant, how her getting pregnant wasn’t HER (my daughters) fault…… trust me I pray, I pray every night until I fall asleep. Is there anyone out there that can help me? I’m sure I left things out or didn’t go into enough detail ….. I guess this is just a starting point for me. PLEASE HELP me help my grandbaby.

    • I’m truly sorry that you have endured what you’ve endured. It sounds like you tried what any mother would try in order to improve, increase and open communication with your daughter. It seems like all efforts backfired and/or alienated you both from each other more.

      Dr. Phil would gloss over the obvious pathology present and tell you it’s a relationship and communication problem. He’d probably even tell you her meds are wrong or that you need to be more patient and invite your daughter and granddaughter to move in with you and work on the relationship.

      I’m not certain about that, but I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil doesn’t have the balls to “get real” himself and tell you your relationship with your daughter is a lost cause.

      I think your relationship with your daughter is a lost cause, if, in fact, she is pathological. It sounds like she is, and the fact she keeps duping the docs while inflicting her BS on to you should be enough of a motivator for you to now focus on your granddaughter’s safety.

      What are you willing to do to keep your granddaughter safe? What sacrifices are you willing to make for your granddaughter’s safety?

      The key is to flip the power. Your daughter has it right now and will continue to have it if all you do is react to her actions. Calling the police doesn’t help, does it? Turning off your ringer doesn’t help, does it? Letting her come and go as she pleases just because no one else can tolerate her doesn’t work, does it?

      You’ve been enabling her behavior out of obligation, guilt, and most of all, out of love.

      But you’ve obviously reached the end. Now you’ve simply had it! You’re angry and you see this baby as her potential next victim, someone else she can blame and shame.

      You don’t want that! You want your grandchild to have a better life, a better chance at a happy existence. And you have a lot of proof that supports your prediction that your grandchild will suffer if left with your daughter.

      You know what you have to do, but even the thought of doing it is killing you inside. You’re a victim who wants to save another. But you’re struggling with coming to terms with being a good person despite taking the action that you see as hurtful to your daughter.

      If you don’t act, where will you be? You’ll remain your daughter’s hostage.

      What are you fearing? What’s your biggest fear?

    • Tom Wilcox said:

      Hey desperate… Your daughter isn’t N.S. what she has is a narcissistic personality disorder. There is a big difference. A nercissistic personality had grandiose ideas and shows a lack of empathy, and is likely going to resort to drugs. There are many more traits and the condition is treatable, but you have to stop enabling your daughter. The biggest cause of narcissistic personality disorder is overprotection and doing everything for the child at a young age and not allowing them to suffer any consiquences. The condition is treatable over time, but the first one who has to recognize the problem is you. My son suffered from the same symptoms. I put him on the street and ultimately had him arrested, but after four years he’s well on the road to recovery.

    • Desperate Grandmother-

      Unfortunately, Tom Wilcox is correct. You will never help your daughter onto a meaningful path. She has to do it on her own. Giving her a roof over her head or money, or other supports will not turn her around. She may not turn around. She is no longer a child. She may hate you for “tough love,” but you can’t pander to her misunderstanding because supporting her will surely promote failure.

      I do not agree, however, with his concept of how she came by her disorder. There are a myriad of impacts that caused her to be who she is, and I’m sure it was never your intent that she have these issues.

      The only thing you should be saying to your daughter is “call us when you’re ready for rehab.” Unless and until that happens, whatever your attorney can accomplish for you in court is your best avenue. Judges take it seriously when the grandparents are ready to intervene for a grandchild but you’ll need to build a strong case. Pull all your files and documents together so that your evidence is credible.

      Wishing you the best in your attempt to work out your problems.

  14. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. I came here after researching these people and I can honestly say that I have at least 2 people who I can say were Narcissistic Sociopaths. The first experience I’ve had with these characteristics were with my own mother. She was a single parent with countless loser boyfriends and I can count on one hand the times she said I love you or hugged. us. Those times were in front of other people and I felt the sheer fakeness, even as a child. There are 7 children my brothers and sisters, and to some degree we are all functioning dysfunctionals. Whenever, I have divulged my childhood upbringing to anyone, they have their eyes wide open and plenty have told me that I should write a book. I always say, that I would never write a book unless I could be 100% Anonymous. Since, I’ve read the other stories on this blog, I feel safe in writing my own experience. Sometimes, I feel myself as quite “off” , I mean I love and I will meet death before I allow anything to happen to my children, but I guess I’ve changed in some way… My mother had favorite children- she made no secret about this. In our house hold she had slaves and overseerers. I know, it sounds wierd- let me digress. She had workers and those who she didn’t have them do any work- but rather take the belt and see to it that the work was done. I had been beaten for the mop not being wrung out. I’ve had cat litter with feces thrown into my face, I’ve have a whole container of garbage thrown on me while I was asleep. I’ve had dishes and silverware, plates pots, etc, beat upon my head when they were not cleaned properly. My mother was the type that would burn you with the iron if there was a wrinkle in a shirt. Youd’e get that shirt pressed out next time. She would over turn the dresser if your clothes were not in the drawers correctly. She would go on these amazing rants about how no man would ever want her because of us, and I always talked to myself saying I would never be her when I grew up. My mom had countless loser live-in boyfriends and then they would eventually leave (us) after the beast came out. You can only wear the mask for so long. In between the boyfriends she would be extra hard on us- blaming us for not doing what we were supposed to do, maybe he would have stuck around. I can remember cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for these low-lives. Running bathwater, massaging their feet, and bringing them water. One boyfriend she had was 20 years younger than her, was a real nut job. he had Hustler and Playboymagazines and I believed he was in a satanic cult. He was the one who convinced her into the harsh beatings. They all started when my brother brought his report card home and he had bad grades. This boyfriend told my mom the reason was because he had no father at home whipping his ass and getting him in line. So, that’s when he beat him. He beat him like a real run-away slave. Hands tied and no shirt on. My brothers and sisters and I counted those lashes up to the 100′s. He practically fainted when they let him out of the room… When this boyfriend had it in for you- he had it. I tried to stay out of his way and do as I was told. But, he was a sicko. He eventually convinced my mom to beat us- even the girls Naked. So, it was my turn… I was accused of stealing tokens and passing them out to my friends. What the hell was I going to do with tokens at 12 years old? So, he convinced my mom into beating us naked because we weren’t feeling the burn thru our clothing. She agreed. I never forgave her for that. How do you allow a man who is NOT the father, beat your daughter who was developing breasts NAKED? ANyway, He threw me on the bed when I came in with “at least my panties” on…No, He threw me on the bed and ripped them off. Mother, in the room. I hated her. He beat me with a belt and when I used my hands to cover my breasts he came over saying some stupid shit like “move your goddamn hand”, I done seen titties before” I used the other hand to cover my privates and that’s when he mentioned ” oh, you getting hairy down there” Sick bastard. So, this is whyI never forgave my mother- cuz even I knew he was mental… They found the tokens in the summer clothes bin one day, and decided not to tell me and that was the whippen to replace all the other whippins I had coming…
    He later started beating on my mom. After that incident- he convinced my mom to get a deadbolt lock on the door to “keep the kids out rummaging thru his stuff” The deadbolt may have ended her life had my older brother not kicked it in. We heard him beating her thru the door in a drunken rage about not having any money. We got baseball bats, and butcher knives and all kinds of weapons to maim him with if he didn’t get off out damn Momma. he gave up and left and we started the routine of packing up his belongings to get rid of. My mother with a busted nose and 2 black eyes told us to leave his stuff alone. After a few weeks, he moved back in. I thought I was going to die. So, I started praying. God, if you are up there, please get this man out of our lives. This is how I knew he was the devil- because when we would read the bible and pray- he would act like someone was setting him afire! I can only explain it as- he was literally scared. Made us go outside and play. Put that bible down, go outside… I realized that prayer had power. He did eventually leave- but the damage was there for my mother and us. The next loser boyfriend got it real bad. In fact, he was a kind man- but we were a little older and determined to f— him up if he changed things. We rallied up our neighborhood friends to jump him, we did some awful things to him that I don’t even want to mention. Eventually he left too. He promised when he got his settlement that he was going to take care of her and all of us. What a real loser. That day never came, and she was left again. So, That was my mom. I moved out after having a baby at 17- because that’s what she promised she would do: “imma put your ass out if you ever get pregnant.” So, I wanted out so I got pregnant. She changed- but the damamge was done. I moved far north and tried to start a new life, telling people that I was adopted and I never knew who my parents were. When my daughter was 5, my mom was hospitalized with pnuemonia… she had the “virus” Yep. Aids. This was when it first came out and noone really knew if you could catch it from kissing. Well, she had it and so now she wanted to right her wrongs. I was mad. She treated us bad and had her loser boyfriend treat us bad, and now she wanted to see the baby and visit? I was attending church now and so trying to be a better Christian I started letting her keep my daughter on the weekends. One day, she let my baby bath in the tub after her, I almost lost it. Anyway, when she diied- I couldn’t bring myself to her deathbed in the hospital, and my family couldn’t understand why…

    • Winnie3, Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you know many of us here absolutely understand why you made the choice not to be there when your mother died. I hope you know that those of us who have felt this type of evil understand why you and your siblings did what you did. We understand why you chose to have a baby so young and to lie and claim you were an orphan. You did all of these things to protect yourself. I’m grateful that you are finding your voice and the courage to write your story. What you grew up with is, unfortunately, not rare and exceptional. These monsters exist in more homes than anyone wants to believe or open their eyes to see. It’s time to speak out. I hope you’re feeling okay after purging yourself this morning. :)

  15. Paula, I have another question to you, Do narcissists know that they’re narcissists? Do they know how they’re described in articles and studies?

    • Hopeful, Many have no idea that their behavior is abnormal. Most think they are super-aware and super-intuitive. Most think it’s the rest of us who are weak and somehow unevolved and less than intelligent. Most think non-sociopaths are winey and pitiful. Most like to come to blogs like this and insert themselves where they are not welcome. Most fail to understand that we don’t really care what they think of us and the only reason we require awareness of them is to make it easier to dismiss them and focus on ourselves. Most would read that statement and call me a narcissist. I would tell those sociopaths they can think what they choose to think about me. :)

    • Hopeful :) said:

      Many thanks again, Paula! I appreciate your help :)

  16. Hi, I found all this information and the positive comments very helpful. I have a question: what should/ can I do if the narcissistic person in my life is my sister-in-law. She is jelous of me and she is turning family members against me trying to allienate me and grabs every opporunity she can to point out what a bad person I am ( which I’m not). And also, of course, she always has to be the great, generous, loving, hero in the family. She’s constantly bad mouthing and back stabbing me. Very depressing to have to deal with someone like her so close to me.

    • Hopeful, When it’s a family member, the dynamics are difficult to navigate. But your best tool for self-protection is not to engage in the crazy-making and the lies and stories she spins and triangulates. She’s already planted an ugly, nasty seed of doubt in the minds of people you love. That, in and of itself is simply evil, vindictive and ugly. But you can’t undo what has been said about you and you can’t persuade those she’s lied to with your words. Doing that, pleading with your family is what she wants you to do. She wants you to plead and beg for them not to listen to her because doing that will make you look crazy and unstable, just as she wants you to look because it will help validate her lies. I realize it’s a difficult idea and concept, but you need to not engage the ugly.You know you aren’t those things. Be the graceful you that you aspire to be and that you desire to continue being. Tap into your dignity and turn it up. Be confident ; not arrogant. Most of all, be patient. The longer you don’t engage, the less she’ll bully and abuse you. She needs your outward reactions. Your anguish pleases her and brings her joy. She’s disgusting. She’s not worth your sincere pleas; she’ll just walk all over them and turn them into something ugly. :) <3

    • Thank you very much for answering, Paula! Very helpful of you :)

  17. I have a question for this community. So now that I’ve identified the narcissistic sociopath in my life (husband) and have even identified the relationship in my life that started this cycle of my choosing (mother), how do I identify myself in this scenario? What kind of person am I that has “lived” in this relationship for so long (30), what is my behaviors and how do I change them and discontinue making the same selection? How do I change this dependency to this kind of behavior that I have allowed to develop? I am taking full responsibility for the rest of my life.

    • I Cann,

      You’re three steps ahead of most: 1) you’ve identified that you were in an abusive relationship; 2) you identified the perpetrator for what he is; and 3) you recognize you are accountable and must look within to change and transform your conditioned/habitual dependent thinking.

      If you haven’t already done so, find a trusted counselor to help guide you through your self-discovery journey. This person, ideally, understands trauma as it relates to symptoms of women coming from domestic violence situations and who understands that “violence” means any type of control wielded over another in the form of physical, financial, emotional and/or spiritual abuse. You don’t want a counselor who will minimize your emotions because that will make your inner journey a journey of self-blame rather than self-discovery and acceptance. You blame yourself enough already, I suspect.

      While in counseling, start doing something, anything, you have always been interested in doing. Learn to cook, bake, sew or kayak. Learning a new skill ignites our cognitive thinking side of our brain and allows us to get out of the emotional side long enough to start appreciating ourselves again. Set mini goals for yourself. Understand your triggers and ask your counselor how you can work through them to minimize the negative effects of those triggers. Some may be harder to work through than others but understanding the source empowers us to control them rather than having them control us.

      Join a gym or dust off those workout DVDs you collected over the years. Or simply start walking. Anything to activate your endorphins, which will naturally make you feel good about yourself. Feeling your heart beating and reminding you that you are alive and that you matter. Physical activity isn’t just for losing weight and looking good on the outside. It provides invigorating benefits to our internal systems as well.

      Think about stuff you consume that makes you feel miserable about yourself. Salty foods, too much caffeine, alcohol, sodas…you get the idea. Pay attention to the things you put inside your body and how they make you feel. Try eliminating those things that make you feel crappy and increase the consumption of those things that make you feel good. Keep a food journal.

      Surround yourself with people who love you and believe in you and who won’t coddle you but who will call you out (in a gentle, caring and non-shaming way) and help you when you need help. You don’t want anyone’s pity but you deserve to be understood and for your feelings to be shared without judgment.

      Most of all, be patient, hopeful and positive. Allow yourself to have setbacks. They happen. Don’t be rigid in your recovery journey. You may think something will work for you, later to discover it just doesn’t have the same helpful benefits the same activity had for someone else.

      You’re not going to recognize yourself. It’s a frightening thing. Other people aren’t going to recognize you either. Some may even ask where the old you went, especially those who have unfairly leaned on you for support over the years while you ignored your own needs. Don’t feel guilty about that. Let them know you still care, empathize and have compassion for them but you are your first priority and your happiness is most important, because if you’re happy and satisfied with yourself and love yourself, there’s more love to share with others…real love, not the co-dependent care you felt obligated to give to everyone who reached out to you and left you drained and wondering when someone was going to help you.

      Well, the time has come and YOU are helping yourself. After all, you were always so good at helping others, right. You’re going to be a great personal coach for yourself.

      I hope some of this was helpful. :)

    • This was very helpful to me as well. I have 6 brothers and sisters and if you read above how I described each one of us is functioning dysfunctional. Including myself. I know a lot of it has to deal with our tumultuous childhood. Here’s the thing I know I would be worse off if I allowed a relationship with them. Any of them. After our mother passed, I’ve distanced myself very calculated, in driving distance- even avoiding family gatherings etc. I cannot be in the same room with them for long. I still feel very sick to my stomach and I can’t understand why. I have an idea- but I don’t know exactly. Since I’ve been on my own and told people I was never adopted out of the agency- this would further produce lies about them. I’ve told people that I had other siblings, but I didn’t know where they were. Or some of us were separated, some were adopted, etc. This is how I’ve managed to cover up the awful truth about what was happening to us forreal. I still have bruises on my arm since that’s where I was getting hit the most trying to cover up my nakedness. I have told people that I was attacked by dogs, jumped by a gang, held by gunpoint, I have told so many lies about these scars that I don’t know why I even lie about it anymore. When, I finally told someone the truth about it- they did the worst thing. Asked me what did I do? What did I do? Like I had some way to stop a demented freak azoid from beating me naked when he saw fit. I’ve learned to continue lying about those scars. Once I was ready to get them covered up in a tattoo- but I actually hate tattooes and it would literaly have to be an entire sleeve, I couldn’t do it. In summer, I use make up when I wear a sleeveless dress- but you can see I have on make-up. I don’t know why I still try to protect this person. I know his full name and have thought about what I could do to end him. My sister told me that she ran into him a few years back and that he knew what my mother died from. Was that an admission? Did he give her that dreadful disease? Even though my mom is passed, I still think that before the boyfriends there was something wrong with her. The boyfriends just brought more of it into reality. How could she have done something like that to her own 7 children? We loved her- even though she didn’t show us that love… I still think that she could have just thrown herself into a love fest with all of us, and been nicer to us- that God would have allowed a great man into her life and help her raise us. I really believed that. Its happened for other women. I felt like she got what she deserved in the end- I didn’t see one of those loser boyfriends at her funeral. The only people who were around her were her 7 children. Why? Like I said. We are all in my opinion a little messed up. Iyanla has helped a lot, as well as Oprah, and Dr. Phil, and more recently- you Paula. I am thankful, that you all are my therapist. Most imporantly, God. I still need answers though. I feel that I can never bring myself around my entire family and discuss on any detail what has happened. How are we all managing our families and working- I do not know…I have noticed that while I maintain a relationship with the “slaves” of my siblings- I do not have any contact with the siblings who were the “overseerers”. My mother divided us. Why do you think sociopathic parents do that amongst the children? Has anyone ever shared a similiar trait like this? I can’t bring myself to speaking with them, and I am not the least bit concerned with them. Although, we all lived in that same hell house and were subject to somewhat of the same abuse, I still can’t believe how easily they went along with it. I mean, I know they were kids, but noone said No, I’m not going to be like you. No one. I’ve learned that one sister said that she would have gotten beat if she didn’t hit us with the belt- but she did it like she meant it. So, I’m not too sure. Here’s the thing. I don’t fully trust myself with my kids. I mean- I would meet death if someone was trying to harm them- but sometimes, I tell my husband that I never even want to punish them because of what’s happened to me. I never want to slide out of control. I mean, I send them to their room when they get naughty, but sometimes I think a spanking is in order. I’ve explained to them that the grandma they don’t know or has never met was really mean and she did some things that I can’t explain. When I find myself upset or angry, I begin a rant- like what she used to do. I recognize it and stop myself. I’ve asked my husband to be the disclipinarian and he never has to spank- just raise his voice and they are in tears. I know that this is a horror and I feel the older they get they may use the fact that I don’t spank them. I always tell them that I think there’s a monster inside. (of me) I know if I spank them I am only repaeating the cycle, which is why I want to know if I am too a bit of a sociopath? I think I must be somewhat. I have told lies about my childhood- to the point that there are some people in my life who do not know the truth. I keep a low profile, but I try to put myself up higher than I am. I don’t know why…. I am quite the actress I’ve been told, and when people video record me- I don’t even recognise who it is. I mean, its me! But its not the real me. Its not authentic. Different people describe me different ways. But actually its always a nice person. good friend, dependable, trustworthy, etc. I mean I don’t have a whoe lot of friends, and the few I do have do not know the real, real me. Why am I putting on ? I am never trying to be social at events. I turn down most peoples request to get to know me, but deep down, I am truly lonely and want to make friends. I don’t know why I do this. I think I’m a bit sociopathic in a way. I cry at commercials though, so I don’t know. I’ve put a cat in the oven when I was litte- but that’s only because I thought he would get dry faster. Plus, I read it in a book. ANyway, I nursed him back to health. I don’t like to see people hurt- but if you get hurt infront of me- inside I’m laughing. What is wrong with me? When I was little I made a kid eat sand at the beach- because he wandered over by me and his stupid momma was no where to be found. I remember thinking, I should do something bad to him and then his momma would be watching him. So, I told him to eat it and he did. Am I crazy? Why would I do such a thing? I’ve had conversations with myself and something weird like this was going on inside my head: No one cared about me, so why should I care about them? I could just treat them bad since it happened to me. Then, I shut that off and pray because I don’t want my kids to hate me, like I hated my mom. I used to say I hope she dies. And even though I knew we all were going to die one day, I didn’t want that when she was dying. This is what makes me think that I have it too? I care about the people in the world. I care about bums on the street. I cried for days when 911 happened. I knew noone personally from that. I love my husband- but he’s not my everything. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Sometimes, I think that my mom and her experience messed me up,and then I think but I don’t have to continue letting her experience mess me up. But the thing is- it still is. I cannot be in the same room with my siblings for a long period of time and when rarely it does happen- we are all the same “fake, grandiose, and putting on” No one really knows the truth about anyone else. Its all for an appearance. Then, we move on. When I see families getting together, all happy and enjoying each other I say ” Why can’t that be us, my siblings me? I know it can’t be done. I have anxiety around family events and make excuses about work,or kids, or a prior engagement not to show up. I don’t see the point. We came from a dysfunctional hell that noone should have been subjected to. These narcissistic creeps invaded our lives and damned near ruined us. In turn, later we have attracted that abuse into our friendships, work relationships, marriages, etc. We’ve subjected that unconciously onto our own children. I think I’ve done the opposite though. When I felt that sociopathic feeling come upon me- I would ask God to remove this from me. I made a choice. In turn, I acted the opposite way which is overly nice, and sweet and well- fake. That wasn’t my true feeling at the time. But since I’ve never wanted to “slip” I did that. I feel proud of myself for not acting on some of the impulses I’ve learned that if I wanted to I could carry out. But what do I do with all of that? My kids were talking to their teacher about me the other day, and I was surprised to learn how they really felt about me. They described someone that I don’t even know. They said that I bake with them and take them outside and make treats for them and listen to them and all the things I’ve wished someone would have done to me as a child. I do my daughters hair and buy her hygiene products, I get her little chapter books that I know she likes to read. I do the same for my son. I speak kindly to them and even if I ask them a few times about something- I would have gotten beat for even without asking, all these HORRORS replay in my mind. SO, I do the opposite. My mom never baked chocolate chip cookies with me. So I do it. I never gardened with her, so I do it with my kids. We clean the house together. I don’t just yell out chores and what knot. I feel like a well-trained person can see thru me though and that is why I never really get too close to anyone. I feel bad that my life is like this. I saw the movie PRECIOUS and I thought I had absolutely nothing to complain about. That is someone’s realy life. The director could change the story plot all he wanted- someone really live thru that. And what is even more sickening. Someone is going to repeat that, even worse. So, again, I am very grateful to have found this site and this is such an outlet and I fell so much better after all this cleansing. Thank you.

    • Winnie3, For the simple fact you recognize and fear what you might do to your children or others who may get close to you, you are not sociopathic. Sociopaths are anti-social. That means they do things that hurt people…intentionally…because they have no conscience, no empathy and no remorse. When we step away from social situations and shy away from making friends, we’re acting a-social. In your case, you don’t trust yourself and you don’t like yourself. You’ve been lying so much to yourself and others that you are confused, hurt and angry. And you don’t wish to subject all of your confusion and pain onto others. You definitely recognize how you don’t want to be…you don’t want to be like your mother so you overcompensate with your children. Have you talked to any trauma counselor a who are familiar with the effects of childhood abuse? Your siblings were undoubtedly as scared as you were, even the ones who were forced to beat you and whip you. Those siblings became numb in order to protect themselves from similar beatings. They were probably coached and ordered to like what they did to you. If they didn’t seem like they enjoyed it, they were subjected to beatings, too. The blame and fault lies entirely upon the adults who used their power in cruel and unusual ways. Your household was a dictatorship. Everyone had a role, as you described. If any of you behaved outside of that role, you were punished. Even if you did everything right, you were punished. I haven’t read the other message you sent, but I did receive it. You’re very brave and I want you to know that there is hope. You are spiritual; you believe in God. I think God would like you to start believing in yourself and learn to love and trust yourself. It’s never too late. :)

    • Thank you Paula for your response. It is a new journey and it is somewhat fearful. I allowed myself to get painted in a corner over the years. So, I had no job and no income, nothing really to attach my own self-worth to. I think the greatest thing that happened was my kids grew up and moved on and I was left with what came to be nothing, or rather, less than nothing, because it was so negative. So, I am rebuilding my life, got a job, but still not yet able to be self-supportive. So, that is my present struggle, to grow to the point where I can stand on my own financially, while I remain
      in the same environment, and to remain detached from the same negative/ dependent/ controlling/manipulative environment that I’ve known as love for 50 some years of my life. Some days I’m not certain what to do. I am looking for a counselor/therapist. I am in recovery.

  18. DandelionsinSpringtime said:

    Where do I start when I don’t know where to start? I am 27 year old mother of a 3 year old. I am married to a narcissistic sociopath.

    I am also suffering from PTSD, panic disorder/agoraphobia and depersonalization related to childhood abuse. I am also trying to heal from sexual abuse that happened as a child. I am having trouble in every aspect of my life. I am trying to get help with other issues in my life on top of dealing with the mental torment from my husband. It’s unbearable some days; and he always manages to push me into a psychotic episode. I can’t deal with this any more. I don’t know what to do.

    He is so mean to me. How can he be so heartless? He tells me to “get over my mental issues” and that, “we all have problems” He told me “You like being this way”, and that” you are the reason for all my problems.” He told me he rather french kiss a shotgun then deal with me. He tells me I’m a cunt and calls me “crazy crazy crazy” every time I am trying to get him to be a bit supportive. Which I need right now. I guess I am crazy to think my HUSBAND should be there for me, and help me during this hard time in my life.

    I also know that my husband smokes pot, has been spending money we don’t have, and going to night clubs. I also have found profiles on the computer on sites such as Ashley Madison and numerous Sex sights/porn sights talking about meeting up with girls. He told me its just a fantasy and feels its justified to do what he does because I can’t have sex with him related to sexual trauma

    I don’t work because of my mental disability and therefore I don’t have money to leave my husband. He has the car and is never home. I don’t have any friends and I am in complete isolation. I am terrified of people and want help but don’t know how to get to people to help me. Is there any resources or tips or suggestions or anything that anyone can give me to help me become independent and free myself from this hell and actually seek help for my personal problems. I have no friends or family to help me. I feel all alone.

    I have never felt more alone in my life. Its one thing to not have anything and be alone and its another to be with someone and feel even more alone.

    I’m not able to think straight or make decisions. I’m so distraught that right now I’m trying to focus all my energy into being well. I need to escape this please help me.

    • Have you told your doctors? Do your doctors know, not just about your diagnoses, but that your current living situation is hindering any healthy progress? I recommend beginning with your doctors and ask them for referrals to free or low-cost resources. What state are you in? You’ve already made the crucial first step in reaching out on this blog. That’s generally the hardest part. And your loneliness is normal in a situation like yours. Don’t be ashamed of anything you’re feeling. And remaining hopeful and focused on being well is crucial. You seem to realize that despite your desperation.

    • Dear DandelionsinSpring,
      You are NOT alone…we are here to support you. Gather all the strength you can to try everything to break free. I know where you are coming from (unfortunately, I can relate to everything you wrote!). You know that you can feel better when you get free of these chains that he “keeps you in”. Is there a Women’s center that you can reach out to for resources? We “survivors” believe in you… We’re reaching out our hands to you. Pray for God’s help right now!

    • Yes!!

    • Dandelion-

      I hear your pain. I’ve been there. As have many folks who read this blog. I say this not to minimize you, but to let you know that there is a light at the end of your tunnel, and people here who can give you advise and care.

      Two things come to mind…..1. You’ve indicated that you’ve had a diagnosis for your mental health issues, therefore, I believe you had or have a therapist. If you don’t and can’t afford one, many metropolitan hospitals provide mental health clinics at which the cost is free or low, based on income. Call and see what your local hospital can tell you.

      2. Even though you feel alone, you would be welcomed at any church, synagogue or religious institution. No matter what your religion is, get yourself to a congregation and speak to the minister, priest, rabbi, or whomever is available. Don’t wait for a Sunday service. Go and speak to someone today.

      About your errant husband….. he is mean. He won’t change. Stop listening to him. Don’t be rude, just emotionally detach. Don’t look for consolation or validation from him. He has no way to give it to you. He does not understand, and won’t. That is his failing, not yours.

      You need to focus on doing things that make you happy. You have a little boy to raise. Spend time in the park and playing with your child. Make happy moments together. Take him to museums, to a funny movie, or outside to make a snowman.

      Make sure you get exercise every day, even if it’s just going for a brisk walk. You need to pump up your endorphins so you feel good about yourself.

      And give us a progress report real soon!

      All the best!
      Joyce

  19. Swim,

    Your antagonizing debate with Paula simply reinforces all we know about NPD. The reason you don’t see yourself as harmful is that, consistent with your disorder, you are unemotional. If you could recognize and value the emotions of others, you would be able to more clearly see the harm your behavior creates. Instead, you are blind to it. You don’t recognize it, therefore, you think it doesn’t exist.

    Simply put, you can’t be a narcissist and not be harmful because narcissism by its very nature is harmful. If you are not harmful, you are not a narcissist. Narcissism is not simply being selfish and thinking first of your personal agenda, it is harming others to achieve self-aggrandizement.

    My sense of you, however, is that indeed you are as you say. And you are clearly demonstrating the detached, unemotional baiting that is typical of people with your disorder.

    Many Narcissists get off on “blaming” debate just as you have done . You faulted Paula, and when she responded you took her response out of context to exploit. Narcissists try to blur the pattern of “cause and effect” in order to portray themselves as victims. Thanks for giving us such a great example.

    And because you are a self-avowed narcissist, regardless of your come-back to me, which would only display your continuance of unemotional “cerebral” baiting, I will not take your bait. I simply will not respond.I offer this comment to help you better understand yourself because you seem to be looking for answers. I will not engage with your narcissistic shenanigans.

  20. What? Me? I make no such claims.

    • Okay, creeper. Go find another blog to slither through. Have a great day! :)

    • Creeper? Slither? Rather aggressive don’t you think?

    • Yes, it is. So what’s your point? :)

    • I just wondered why you would choose to attack me for what seems like no reason

    • Oh, there’s a reason. But I don’t need to explain myself. Have a great day! Ciao! Adios! :)

    • Well, since you don’t know me and this is the first time we’ve ever spoken I fail to see how you can have a reason. You can run off without explanation if you like, but you’ll just look petty

    • Haha! I’m not going anywhere, SWIM. But you are and that’s off my blog. I don’t engage with sociopaths…on any level. Go find someone else to sucker.

    • Your blog is public and I’m clearly not trying to sucker anyone. You seem to have a deep predjudice against people who are not like you. Like I said, we’re not all bad

    • I absolutely have a prejudice against sociopaths. And your point? Again, what is your point? Never mind. Don’t answer that.

    • You do realize all you’re doing is proving EVERYTHING we already know about sociopaths to be true, right? Trying to shame me for being rude to you and not appreciating you? Sorry, sweetie, but those games don’t get far on this blog. I have one caveat…if you’re a sociopath, I don’t like you. If that makes me petty in your eyes, so be it. I’m petty and I like it. Haha! :)

    • You’ve obviously had a bad experience but that’s not my fault. I’m not trying to shame you, I’m only pointing out that your point of view is particularly closed minded

    • Haha! That’s exactly what my ex tried to shame me and blame me into thinking. There IS a sociopath textbook isn’t there? Damn. :)

    • Listen, you seem like a reasonable person, surely you can see that we’re not all the same and that your judging me without having even met me. Maybe we should go for a drink and talk it over?

    • I don’t drink. I am reasonable (thanks for your astute observation), but I certainly don’t need to go down that rabbit hole again with someone trying to prove he/she is different only to be proven my gut was right all along. Besides, I don’t have the money or the time to fly to the UK. :)

    • I’m teasing you Paula…

    • No. You’re lying. There is a difference. I’m the one teasing you. :)

    • Haha! You have some narcissistic traits of your own there sweetheart

    • Of course, we should all be so fortunate to have enough self-love, self-assurance and self-awareness, which translates into healthy narcissistic qualities. If we didn’t, people like you, SWIM, would just pull us down into their pit of self-hate and self-disrespect. (Yes, I made up that word. Pretty awesome how I can do that. Must be my shameless narcissism showing.) We should all be confident in ourselves enough to draw boundaries with those who have none, like yourself. :)

    • Just because my boundaries are different to yours is no reason for predjudice Paula, I’m certainly not in a “pit of self…” blah blah blah… You’re a very negative person and that’s kind of sad. I’m proud of who and what I am, I’m better than most people, less restricted and more intelligent. I am free in all the ways that you are not.

    • Whatever you need to tell yourself, SWIM. Good luck to you. :)

    • It’s not what I need Paula, it’s what you need to understand. We are limitless, able to manipulate and read people on levels you can’t even understand. Does that make us inherently bad? Of course not. Should we feel guilty? No. The fact is: 90% of people are stupid and if someone takes advantage of them it’s just the way of the world, the strong will prey on the weak. Which one are you?

    • Dear, SWIM. According to you, you have all of the observation abilities of an omniscient being. Why don’t you help me define myself for you? Because, in the end, what you think of me is all that matters to you. What I think of myself is of no consequence. You came to this blog with an assumption about me that, regardless of what I say or how I react to you, will not change. That is the definition of close-mindedness. Your logic is cyclical. It goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing. And based on your behavior and reaction to me, I drew the conclusion that you, dear SWIM, are a sociopath. That’s not close-minded of me or prejudicial. That’s called observation. And me telling you what I have concluded is not me being mean. It’s me being honest. You know what being honest is, right? It’s when you tell people what you really think of them. You have lots of practice doing that, I’m sure. You do it every time someone doesn’t buy your flavor of BS. So you resort to devaluing and self-righteous dialog. I’m rather unaffected by it. I’m simply humoring you. There really isn’t much you could pull from your predictable hat of tricks that I would be surprised or hurt by. Doesn’t it just piss you off knowing that what you think of me really doesn’t matter to me? And I’m sitting on the other side of my computer yawning at your attempts to rattle me? Make me feel inferior and stupid and less than you? In the world of sociopaths, I’d agree that I am less than you. I don’t even register on the sociopath scale. I have a conscience, an ability to empathize and the capacity to feel remorse. Does that make me weak? To you it does, and that’s okay with me. So I understand you and you understand me. There really is not point in further engagement, is there? There is nothing more about you I desire to know and there is nothing about me you desire to know either. Unless you have some freshly baked cookies or something to offer me, I think we’re done.

    • Well I’d have to agree that this is getting boring. However, you don’t know the first thing about me or any other sociopath, all you have is pop psychology and self pity. Whatever happened to you, get over it and move on. Don’t blame sociopaths for your own short comings and maybe take a look at your own issues, you clearly have some anger and self esteem issues (or you probably wouldn’t have fallen fowl of a sociopath in the first place)

    • Oh, SWIM. You’re so predictable. Thank you for voluntarily being my guinea pig. I appreciate it very much. You’ll never know how invaluable your comments have been to me and others who are reading along. :)

    • Happy to help Paula, let me know when you want to go for that drink.

    • No problem. :)

    • Night sweetheart xx

  21. I would like to point out at this stage that not all sociopaths are bad or abusive. It seems the only time the subject is mentioned is when the sociopath in question has done something terrible. Nobody remembers lord Byron or Richard Feynman or any of the other great historical sociopaths…

    • You need a lesson in abuse. It’s not about physically beating or raping someone. It’s about controlling and demoralizing the ones you claim to live and care for.

  22. Anonymous said:

    I am in the beginning stages of leaving my sociopath. Does anyone know how I could get him diagnosed as anti social? He has been to a psychiatrist once for a manic episode, and he has an upcoming appointment in a week. Can I call and “suggest” that he be tested for it? I’m not sure if he put me down on his paperwork, but I am his wife, for now. I’m just really scared of what I know I’m going to be dealing with once I do leave him. I have multiple sclerosis, and he steals my pills without remorse, lies about everything, and honestly has no integrity as a person. Any advice? Thank you

    • I know of no legal way to have him tested specifically for anti-social disorder without his knowledge. Has his psychiatrist performed any basic evals? Diagnosed him with anything prior to now? Does his current doctor have any background in diagnosing anti-social disorders?

    • I think your best protection is to not let on that you think he is pathological. Otherwise, he may turn the tables and play the victim and accuse you of abuse.

    • Have you found someone to talk to, a counselor or friend who gets it, about how he has impacted you? Getting a diagnosis for him that will have any kind of influence on your divorce and the court’s decision is a crap shoot and could cost a lot of money. Regardless, if he is anti-social, being diagnosed isn’t going to make him suddenly remorseful for how he treated you or change how he treats you moving forward. Being diagnosed means nothing to them. They just ignore it and make excuses and continue to blame and shame everyone around them. If diagnosed, it will be your fault he’s sick.

    • While even as his wife, you can’t get access to his records unless he gives his permission, you can request psychiatric evaluation (of both parties) if child custody is involved. A court appointed psychiatrist will make their evaluation and report it to the court.

      Unfortunately, these folks are very good at fooling everyone, including a psychiatrist, and you may not have a great deal of influence on the court regarding the person selected for the role.Therefore, you have no real assurance that they will be familiar with the personality he presents. The one thing you could do, however, is make them aware that the episode took place so that as one professional to another, the court appointed specialist could discuss the information with his present psychiatrist.

      If you don’t have children, there is very little reason for a court to concern themselves with the emotional stability of the parties. If there is eminent danger, they would resolve the matter with restraining or protective orders. For that there would need to be evidence of a dangerous condition.

      In the scheme of Cluster B profiles, having an episode as you described would be more likely to indicate a Borderline profile as opposed to a sociopath/psychopath. But proving a disorder will likely not affect the outcome of your divorce. In the end, divorces without children pivot around distribution of assets and support as the court sees fit, or your lawyer can best negotiate. Proving his assets would be more worthwhile in the scheme of things than proving his condition.

    • Good points, Joyce. Thank you!

    • I am the writer of the anonymous comment/question above. Well, I finally ended it with him. I do have 2 little girls with my sociopath. Thank you so much for the advice. Something serious happened that made me move things along with leaving him faster than expected. I do have 2 little girls with him. I also found out many, many more lies (mostly dealing with him slowly stealing my money) after it all went down. I guess I just really didn’t have a clue as how bad this person that I married and allowed to adopt my eldest daughter really was. By a fluke, I found out just how much money he was actually taking from me, and I also found a playboy magazine in my daughters’ bedroom toy closet- with my eldest daughter. I made him move out right then and there. I also found out he hasn’t paid a bill in 4 months, so I now know what a capable liar he is. It’s just all so sickening to me, and I’m just shocked that things are way more worse than I already thought they were. I do have a great support system, my mom is helping me out tremendously. I’m doing ok emotionally, except I just honestly can’t totally wrap my mind around just how I didn’t have a clue as to the extents that this person would go. It’s sickening. I really thought he was just mean, but now I feel like he must be literally psychotic. It’s just such a total mindf**** (sorry for lack of a better word.) I live in Florida. What can I do to protect myself and my girls? I’ve been staying at my mother’s for fear or the unknown, because I obviously have no idea what he is capable of. I don’t think he would be violent, but then again, I didn’t think a lot of things about him that we’re wrong. He hasn’t threatened me or anything and has moved out, but something just doesn’t sit well with me. FYI- he has cancelled his psych appt so no help there. Any ideas how to just make him leave us alone? I just feel like the worst war of my life is brewing, and I Absolutely refuse to let him take any more than he already has. Thank you :)

    • Anonymous, It is going to be tough for him to just leave you alone considering he has children with you. Not knowing how old your children are, I would recommend limiting all contact with him and only discussing the needs of your children related to their relationship with him. You don’t want to alienate him from his children because that will backfire in the courts. I highly recommend getting in touch with a lawyer and drawing up a custody and visitation proposal. Are you familiar with the site One Mom’s Battle? They have a network of resources. Florida is a state in which you do not want to take chances when it comes to custody.

  23. Paula-

    You did a great job with your description. Bravo!

    An organization on whose board I sit is having a terrible time with a Narcissist. Your description is exactly what they need in order to understand what they’re dealing with.

    Thanks a million!

  24. I am seeing these descriptions in both of my husbands who I divorced and in a current “friend.” It makes me wonder why I become involved with such people. What is wrong with me? I know I have co-dependent personality traits, but is that all?

    • Jane, It has little to do with being co-dependent and everything to do with how much you value yourself worth and believe that you are better than the abuse they inflicted upon you…physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or otherwise. Most who enter intimate relationships with pathological people are NOT co-dependent by nature; we become that way, on the surface, due to the cognitive dissonance and confusion caused by the twisted logic and faux concern sociopaths and narcissists are masters at projecting.

  25. Every single signal is dead on… I have (thankfully only) 4 years experience with this but those 4 years were absolute hell, with the exception of the first 6 months. Please be aware that more often than not, sociopaths have been diagnosed with add or ADHD. This “diagnosis” is usually given when they’re children and they may even be treated for it medicinally. I’m not, by any means, saying that a person with ADD or ADHD is a sociopath, but that a sociopath’s behavior is often misconstrued as many of the signs carry a similarity. Most people will readily admit they have ADD or ADHD. Good start… now you know to keep an eye for the signs that differentiate sociopaths from people with actual ADD or ADHD. It is extremely difficult to tell because when you believe that someone has ADD you tend to accept a lot of their behavior, it makes sense to that disorder and you feel like you understand it so it is easy to look past. You think, “he (she) loves me, I know they didn’t mean it. It’s because of the ADD.” A sociopath lacks the capacity to love or feel a number of different emotions, so they do not care about you, they can’t. I wish for every good hearted person to be made aware of this. It could save them from the horror and damage I (and many others) have lived. “Mass destruction” doesn’t begin to describe what they are capable of. That is no exaggeration sadly. My life is still in shambles because of damage and harm my sociopath caused. The pain inflicted compares to nothing because you can never fully understand how a person you treated so well, and cared for so much, could ever do what they’ve done. You desperately seek reason, even blame yourself, because you ARE capable of empathy. The abuse comes in many forms. Both big and small. They’ll hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally, verbally, financially… anything they can take from you, they will, any way they can. The road to recovery from this is one I continue to travel after nearly 2 years away from him. I wouldn’t wish what he’s put me through on my worst enemy (if I had one). Not even him. I’m thankful I’m alive, and I’m thankful I’m not like him.

    • I realize that I failed to mention that things like inability to focus, finish things, remember important dates or events, etc… are initial signs and can easily point to a person’s ADD. Sociopaths don’t care so they also have these inabilities. I did not mean to imply that the ADD affected are also abusive by saying the two have similarities. I just truly believe I wouldn’t have ignored initial signs so easily and gotten in so deep if I hadn’t looked over them thinking it was due to his ADD. It wasnt until after a therapist pointed it out that i finally realized i had done that. Initially, it was minor things that either pointed to his ADD, or i believed they were my fault. Sociopaths are professional manipulators. It is how they make their way in this world.

    • H,
      Yes. Sociopaths/narcissists will apply legitimate diagnosis to their behavior in order to make excuses and not be accountable. Another common diagnosis they give themselves is Asperger’s. It’s despicable the lengths they will go just to deny their abuse. And if we don’t believe their self-diagnosis, they’ll diagnose us to shame and place the blame on us. Their favorites: borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder.

  26. I know this so well, Paula. I read the Sociopath next door, and I actually took a quiz from a book on this disorder and applied it to so-called romantic hero Christian Grey. That women think this guy is someone to aspire to chills me. It’s why I wrote so many recaps of it – there is humor – partly at just how awful the book is, but there is also outrage. Bullying and control is not love. Good post.

    • Yes!!! I couldn’t read past the reviews of those books. How can intelligent women not see this character for the danger he represents?

    • I have no idea. I think in each recap I asked “Why, women, whyyyy?” Really, some of that stuff in there was so chilling. It was like the writer purposely put it in there, but then, I don’t think she’s smart enough or a good enough writer to have purposely done it. It’s truly bizarre.

  27. Dealing with a sibling who is narcissistic & sociopathic for the past 50+years . My siblings and I came to this diagnosis of her nearly 30yrs ago. We’ve kept our distance as we listened to all her delusions of grandeur, watched at a distance her ego maniacal behavior and her cold un empathetic behavior towards others (all the while calling herself a “Christian”) Years ago got a family member to loan her $35,00.00 in order to “save her house from foreclosure” all the while knowing she had no intention of keeping that house Then she never repaid it. She’s purposely ran up credit cards and bought property then files bankruptcy(at least two times) then skips town after her business fell apart It’s getting really bad after she tried to get our parents to sign documents giving her Power of Atty ( their estate could be over a million dollars) then said Horrible things about our dying mother used our mothers illness to try to get people to buy products she was selling. And most recently has been slowly stealing items from our fathers house that she wants,some of it sentimental some of it valuable. Of course this is only the tip of the iceberg

    • Wow. That’s low. These people really have no shame. They rob everyone and anyone willing to get in arm’s reach of them!

  28. Head Defender said:

    Debbie Rowe Edelman Jackson. I fear for Paris now that I understand her pathology. She put Michael Jackson through HELL for years and even had the audacity to call him a sociopath in her depositions in 2004.

    In those same depositions she called Prince and Paris and ‘Blanket’ by association his Achilles tendon and how she was gonna take them away from him because according to her Michael only saw them as possessions to be bartered with anyway!

    She even helped The Santa Barbara Persecution with taping private conversations with several of Michael’s associates, like Marc Schaffel trying to get dirt on them to use in court! Ironic how Schaffel is her defender now when she tried to put him behind bars along with Michael

    Talk about projecting her own feelings onto Michael. This was the same woman who, completely unprompted, just two years prior had DIVORCED herself from Prince and Paris by going to court to have her parental rights terminated after divorcing Michael the year before not three years into their marriage!

    But $8,000,000 , a house in Beverly hills and $750,000 as yearly alimony later, she decides to break a confidentiality agreement to go on tv and crying cocodile tears to help insinuate Michael was guilty of the bullshit allegations made by the Arviso’s. Like how Michael and his team were planning to kidnapping the entire Arviso-Klan to South America via hot-air balloons etc. O_o

    This is the same woman who insinuated herself into Michael’s marriage with Lisa Marie Presley and managed to get herself pregnant by him by nagging, him her own word choice, into letting her become his own personal in-house surrogate. She took advantage of a normal marital situation where spouses disagreed on when to have a baby and used Michael’s desire to become a father against him for her own personal gains.

    This is the same woman who was part of Michael’s medical team since 1982 and was supposed to help take care of his skin conditions. Who ever heard of a doctor’s asssitant, she was never a nurse, offering an active patient she has a duty to care for and do no harm to, the explicit use of her uterus while he has a fertile WIFE at home!

    Debbie Rowe would later accuse Michael of abducting his own children and claim she was worried that he would let them be mistreated by the muslims in Bahrian and in his security because of them being Jewish by way of her own Jewish status. Glibly insinuating that they weren’t Michael’s children biologically in the process.

    Debbie Rowe was only ever Jewish by marriage, not herritage, after converting from her catholic upbringing to marry Richard Edelman and never bearing him children despite being married to him for 6 years and allegedly persuing him romantically since she was 15 years old and he was the 26 year old Science Master at Hollywood High School.

    It’s amazing the things Debbie Rowe has gotten away with simply because Michael was too much of a gentleman to expose her himself and out of concern for his children being put through the kind of custody battle that could very well land them in the care of a woman COMPLETELY unfit to care for anyone but herself, let alone little innocent children who had no relationship with her at all!

    Her behaviour on Twitter is what finally opened my eyes to her pathology. The way she interacts with her sycophant stans, rewriting HIStory and wages battle with anyone who dares question her behaviour or makes her seem less than the legend she is in her own mind.

    She was Delegating the Murder of Conrad Murray to the MJ fan community all because he said he found her too unattractive to pork on 60 Mintues Australia! Yes Debbie, thank you for giving us permission to shot Michael’s killer because he doesn’t want to sleep with you!

    In mid August 2013, Debbie tweeted Lisa Marie Presley and her daughter Riley: “beautiful family”, so obviously fishing for a compliment, that it made the hairs on the back of my neck literally stand up!

    She’s quite the lil actress. The woman is dangerous , no wonder Michael refused to see or speak with her for a DECADE even though he let the nanny visit with her when she won visitation rights. He actually stayed behind in Bahrain with Blanket rather than face being in the same country with her!

    And the things I have found out about Debbie Rowe through reading court transcripts, reviewing legal documents and watching her contradict herself in video footage and interviews all the way through to today I comfortably call her a narcissist now and easily a sociopath. She ticks almost every single box in the requirements that it’s scary!

    Lord help Prince, Paris and ‘Blanket’ because as long as Debbie is in their midst, they’re gonna need all the prayers they can get.

    • Interesting. It’s always difficult to gauge the pathology of “public figures.” She has always left a bad taste in my mouth. She either has a pity story and seeks sympathy or she has an ugly story to share about someone who she wants to blame for everything. I put this list together early in my research because it’s based on the research of others. I could definitely add to it today. I’d specifically add how the sociopath makes others feel in their presence. The sociopath always presents themselves in one of three roles: the victim, the persecutor or the savior. She’s clearly trying to take on the role of her children’s savior now. Why? For self-gain. I think we all hope and pray for those children and their nature won’t be exploited further.

  29. Thank you Paula for your reply, I am pushing for mediation or it will be court proceedings, as there is no legal document in place to say my son lives with him. But for some reason he thinks he ha more parental rights than me the mother, my son has only just turned 3, his father is going to use all the dirty tactics he can against me. Can I just add he said I would never do anything with my life but while I was with him I studied gained a degree, have now passed my PTTLS been teaching part time at my local college, and I volunteer at a centre for adults with addictions, which also run the freedom programme for women who have been victims of domestic violence, and have helped to run it as a facilitator, it’s about recognizing the signs of an abuser, it has helped me through my healing, still gonna take a while, especially to trust another man I’m so frightened to get into a relationship, so I have moved on and my life has never been better and he can’t stand that, he knows he has no control who I see, what I wear or do, how much money I have just my son, I gave him a contact proposal of what I wanted and he said no, he would not sit down as adults he is so unreasonable, I had to change my number and he can only contact via email and even then he is nasty in his comments, the trouble is he wants it all on his terms he is so narcissistic he told me he son loves him more than me, my son loves being with me and his siblings, and sometimes cries when he has to leave and is difficult for his father, he then accuses me me of saying things about him and his family and messing with my sons head, which I would never do, there is no reasoning with this man at all. thanks for reading :-)

    • Don’t you just love how these fools can even try turning love into a competition? It simply speaks to their insecurities and their delusions of who they are and how the world really sees them.

      So do you teach others how to work with trauma patients or do you work with DV victims or both?

      They enjoy trying to degrade and erode our accomplishments simply because they are extremely threatened by our independence and our abilities, ironically, the very things they were attracted to and coveted about us in the first place. But they were delusional in thinking that by telling us they loved us, we would just hand over all of our power so they could have it. That’s what they think love is: sacrificing ourselves so they can bask in our glow. Hmmm? Love is about healthy boundaries, healthy sacrifices and healthy narcissism. These fools don’t understand any of those things and will shame us into thinking our ideas of those things are selfish. Just a twisted and corrupt web they weave. The sooner we can escape, the sooner we can get back to reality and the joy of living.

      I’m so happy you are working toward a better custody agreement. Just don’t get sucked in by his projections and lies. Always remain focused on what is best for your child who will learn, in time, what his father is really all about. :)

  30. Omg I don’t know where to start, I was on a dating site when my narcissistic sociopath spotted me, I was a single mum of 2, he told me he had a daughter and talked about the times they spent together, we were just talking and getting to know each other.He was so charming, I fell in love right from the start, he was perfect, he persuaded me into moving in with me, then it all started, the jealousy, rages, his daughter moved away, he always said he would never cheat, he loved me so much, I tried to tell my friends, he isolated me, I was his as far as he was concerned. He was emotionally abusive and physically violent. But when he was loving things were amazing. I was so confused, he never worked, ran debts up, gambled all our money away, couldn’t pay the rent etc, family helped. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. Anyway he talked me into having his child, I thought it might make things better, he would change, no it made things worse, he was more jealous, he wanted me in the house all the time, I was looking after the 3 kids he was sleeping all day, anyway after 5 years after contemplating suicide I got strong and thought I deserve better and got so tough, In the past when I tried to end the relationship he wouldnt listen to me, dismiss my feelings call me a drama queen etc, anyway this time it was over, but would not leave the house, he was sleeping in my bed, and I was on the sofa. Well just before xmas last yr, I kicked him out as I found out he was in another relationship, I wasn’t bothered all feelings had gone I was numb. He left and I tried to rebuild my life and be a mum to my kids, find myself again and learn to love me. Well the nightmare wasn’t over he played the victim saying could he say our son was living with him to get a flat, I’m a nice person and thought it would help him, worse mistake of my life, he wanted my son to play happy families with his new partner, all the while threatening to beat guys up if I went on dates, denying that he was with someone, still is, will not let me meet his partner, they are engaged and getting married soon, and have my son, I see him weekends, but if I ask to see him more, He takes great pleasure in refusing me, he uses my son to control me, this has gone on for a yr, he tells me he still loves me etc, oh and I also found out he never did have a daughter, my whole relationship was a lie, I still feel like I have been hit by a bus by all of this, and I can’t get rid of him, he is still trying to control me, I was always strong and not a victim, how did I get caught up in all of this? It’s like the nightmare will never stop, I love my son so much, please can someone give me some advice I don’t know what to do, and the thought that he is gonna be in my life for years, fills me with dread, thanks for reading this :-)

    • Anon,

      Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Unfortunately, he will always be connected to you through your child. But it doesn’t mean he has to be an active part of it or continue controlling you. Clearly, you need to figure out how to create proper boundaries, which could start by creating a set schedule for child visitations, at least while your child is young and doesn’t technically have a legal voice in the matter.

      If you message me through the Contact Paula page, I can provide you with other resources in your geographical area and other blogs and sites catered to your specific needs. :)

  31. Hey Paula,
    Came across to wish you a Happy New Year! May all your dreams come true as you deserve great happiness. Many hugs Paula xxxxx

    • It took me 7 years of giving the benefit of the doubt to realise I should have trusted my instincts. He has all the traits but worst of all is the slander linked to his compulsive lying and promiscuity. I lost my life savings (I’m 63, he’s 54) and he broke my heart. I’m now retired and on welfare benefits. He won’t work and is even jealous of the few pounds more I have per week than him.

  32. jacqueline said:

    I read your pains, i feel for you jim who admits and shares A sociopath mother.
    Thank you for wanting to protect your own family.
    My father in law is victim to one. In 17 years we never been inside their home because she keeps everybody out of “her life”.
    In other words , my husband who is a only child and who s mother committed suicide long ago, has had his own father turned against him by this woman.
    She pushed us to leave the father and son business.It was the only thing to do.Not that moving away takes the pain away – it does not. The lies are still there. This woman managed to get a job as a writer in a newspaper and i can saythat she is a slick one and she holds that position because of the mis use of power she has at her fingertips.
    My husband s now 40 , we are childless and his father is 73 this january and the last time they exchanged words was seven years ago , and although he tries to call his father she is the one that always picks up the phone and wonthave him on the phone . She controls every aspect of his life , i cannot put in words what we had in the beggining and what extreme damage this cold selfish person has done.if prayers worked he would ve left her a long time ago.
    Truth is ..she chose her victim.
    A dairy farmer (widowed )in a remote sort of place. He had only one sister whom we never saw..
    Our hands are tied. Yes a man gets bruises black and blue it is the first man we encountered who can t leave the abbuse even if neighbors , friends have tried to talk to this man.
    It hurts and maybe more so because we didnt have our own children .
    I decided to share this it is a releif of some sort this time in my life and , for those who lost a family farm to a sociopath or any other business..well ..you can bet i know what its like.You are not alone. Your stories are true , it is you the victims , you have a right to hurt and please keep this post open.
    May the wounds heal<3

  33. Thank you all for writing your stories here. I thought I was the only one to be with an abusive partner for so long (13 years). I still don’t know how to tell most of my friends and family what has happened to me. He raped me in my sleep. I told him I found it abusive and never wanted him to do it again. He said that it was my fault, I didn’t give him enough sex, or I was the one starting it in my sleep. He controlled my money, my career, my friendships and my sexuality. He would lie constantly to the point where I thought it must be me that was the bad person. He managed to convince my friends and family that I was mentally unstable and that he was having such a hard time supporting me. I had no where to turn. He was obsessed with gay porn, spending all his time on the computer looking at sites and joining casual sex sites. When I look back at the start of our relationship, I can see that the signs were there. However he is such a charmer, many people would tell me how lucky I was to have a boyfriend like him. When I finally managed to free myself from him, I found myself totally alone, confused and deeply sad. I thank god that even though there was no official help. The local church phoned me each week to see if I was ok. I started to tell those who I thought were close to me. Some of their reactions were not as expected. Even though they knew that marital rape had happened, they still welcomed him into their homes, but did not find out how I was doing. This was beyond hurtful, however it also showed me how manipulative he is and allowed me to forgive myself for a wasting 13 years of my life and possible the chance of having a family. It is almost a year now since I made him leave. I recently found a poem he wrote, how he was my cancerous blanket filling me with doubt. Tomorrow I am going to visit his sister, and will tell her everything. In the hope that she maybe able to stop him hurting someone else. I hope that if you are reading this and in a similar relationship that you too find the strength to leave. If you don’t have a support network remember there are organisations that are there to help. Being alone is still better than being in a relationship with an abuser. They will never treat you in the way you deserve. Love and strength to you.

    • Thank you, anonymous. I’m so happy you are finding support and the courage to open up about the truth. Please know that even if you or your ex’s sister can’t prevent him from hurting another, you’ll at least be available to validate his next victim. <3

  34. Tremika Woodley said:

    I am n utter shock. I myself am getting over the emotional drainage, of being with a narcissist sociopath of 6 years. I didnt find out until it was too late. I had no idea, knew something was wrong with him and he wasnt quite normal, but it didnt occur to me until about 4 years into the relationship. Every thing mentioned inf this articl, all of the traits and characteristics
    describe him to the “T.” In the beginning he
    definitely made me feel like i was so special, and he was very charming, the relationship was too good to be true. All the while he was unemotional available alot of times and he lacked, empathy, and rationalization. He also severly lacked self control at times during argument i became
    very afraid of him because he would snap.
    In the end i found out he was maintaining multiple relationships with many different

    women. He even had another life the last 8 months of our reltionship that i had no idea
    about. And although all of his lies and secrets were exposed he still continued to deny
    everything. He also secretly envied me and was jealous of my success, he alsmost hated me for not being “beneath” him. I also noticed
    after a couple of years that he was basically running around in a circle, he had not
    progressed in life at all, he began to work on a buisness venture that he never completed, he
    even still til this day has an office for no apparent reason. He loves to purchase luxury
    cars and he dresses exceptionally well, he loves the finer things in life, he uses material
    items as a way of gaining a form of respect
    and recognition because deep down inside he
    is severly lacking self esteem. He needs
    constant admiration and the need to be
    looked up to, he was very delusional. When i
    began to confront him about his lack of
    empathy and cold-hearted, unemotional, and
    inability to ration he would shut me out.
    Eventually he began to withdraw from me
    becuase he couldnt take my truths about him,
    he began to play this sick game with me in
    which he would attempt to make me feel
    useless, or blame me for the turmoil in our
    relationship, but at the same time he would promise me that we were going to get better and that we would be alright. When he would get be back hooked on him he would then repeat the same vicious unemotional cycle. When i found out about his double life with a chick that had nothing going for herself, and

    • Can you tell me what kinds of things I could use against one of these assholes. I am trying to get rid of one my daughter is involved with. I have done nothing but the wrong things so far. I have just pushed her to him trying to make her see the truth. This is the second one she has been seriously involved with. Now she has a child though (NOT his) Can I make her look bad enough to him to make him think he deserves better? I know how horrible that sounds, but she never healed from the first one, that’s why she chose another.

    • Gemini Moon, I wish I could tell you that there is something you can do other than continue being there for your daughter. With deepest respect for you and your daughter, your daughter is essentially an addict…an addict of this relationship…and there is nothing anyone can tell her that will convince her of letting go of the “high” she gets from the abuse cycle he has her circling through. Leave the door open. Always remind her that you love her and resist the urge to say anything negative about her boyfriend. It’s best to act as though he doesn’t even exist. Don’t ask about them; ask about her. Don’t invite them; invite her. Give her the space she needs when she needs it. Don’t push or pressure her. Just love her. Unless he is physically being violent, there is nothing you can do other than sit back and be patient. I realize this is not easy, but you know your daughter. I bet she’s independent and has a mind of her own, just as you raised her to have. <3

  35. This may be slightly off in how this article applies to me, but relevant none the less… My mother is a narcissistic sociopath whom I’ve obviously been dealing with my entire life… I recently have come to terms with the fact that this personality disorder does not go away… And people who have it rarely change… It has cost me many things in life… Jobs, relationships, money and opportunities; and I’m sure years off of my own life… The stress that I have been forced to deal with is obviously the most damaging. Now that I am going to have a family of my own, and do not wish to project any of this baggage onto my pregnant wife and unborn children I have made a conscious decision to extricate these toxic people from our lives… It I a difficult decision, but a person who constantly ignores boundaries and does the very things that they are sake not to do not deserve a place in our lives…

    • Jim, what a tough but necessary decision you have made to protect you and your new family. Personally, I do not think people like this can be changed either. They may temporarily demonstrate better behavior for the sake of appearances, but they always slip back into their comfort zone of control and drama. It’s too hard for them to relinquish control and allow others to just live in peace. Going “no contact” with family is not easy but it is possible. Good luck to you and congratulations on your expected new baby!! :)

    • Jim, I’m sorry that you have a mother who is difficult. As a mother I would expect that she misses both you and your wife and if she was aware there was a child on the way she would be heartbroken that she won’t be a part of that precious life.

      She will want only the best for your little family, even if that means giving up the love she was hoping to give and receive at this point in her life. If she is like me, she will find other ways to give and receive that love, to fill the void that is left by your family’s absence in her life. If she calls out to God he will provide that sense of belonging.

      She will hope that you and your family seek out counselling to deal with your own hurt and grief. She will pray for you each and every day of her life.

      But, she will continue on living her life understanding that allowing her own sadness to destroy her life serves no purpose for anyone. Not for her, not for you, and not for your unborn child. She will use her own life experiences to help others who are also grieving the loss of their own children in their lives.

      If she is reading this, I would suggest she live her life in an effort to some day give your unborn child a reason to say, “That’s MY grandmother,” with a great deal of pride.

      Look after yourself, “Jim,” and look after your little family. Hopefully some day you will be able re-establish a relationship with your mother-in-law.

      Signed,
      Could be Jim’s mother-in-law

  36. To the lady who said “god bless”
    You have given me strength to see we can be without them and that if this is how bad they can get then getting them out of our lives is the best thing. You are such a strong person and I thank you for sharing with us. God bless to you too x

  37. I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 19 years. The last 2 were spent trying to get my divorce finalized while he sat in jail for molesting our 9 yo daughter. He physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me and our 4 children. He cheated on me constantly and I was always forgiving and taking him back. The last 3 years we were together before he went to jail, I would tell him how much he disgusted me and how miserable I was. I begged him to give me a divorce. He always told me that he would kill me and the children if I ever left. I have a scar in my hand where he tried to cut my nose off my face and I pushed the knife away as it went into my hand. I have had a gun shoved in my mouth and in my ear while he played russian roulette, pulling the trigger to watch me flinch. He would always break down crying about how much he loved me and that was why he would get so crazy. He would threaten suicide all the time. I was finslly free of him physically 8 years ago when he was sentenced to 20 years forthe abuse of our daughter. He was an OB-GYN and ended up leaving me with just under 3 million in debt. I had no job and he had isolated me from all family. My advice to anyone dealing with someone like that is to RUN….get away as fast and as far as you can. I survived. God sustained me and has provided for me and my children. They didn’t escape scar free though. They were emotionally hit and have suffered with their own anger and pain in some harmful ways. I should have never allowed him to make me an emotional hostage. I should have stood up to him and called him on his threats. I do jot think he would have followed through for fear of exposure. He was exposed anyway when I suspected he had done something and asked my daughter. Luckily he had just “tested” the waters and only touched her. I told her to go outside and confroned him. He called her a liar and I told him the only thing he would be worried about from now on was whise bitch he was going to be in prison. He xame after me with a knife while I dialed 911. He ran and hid until they got there. He will ve eligible for parole in 2015 and I have a cocealed weapon oermit. I will be ready to defend myself if he decides to boomerang back to try and control. I hope he doesn’t. I don’t want to have to shoot him or my current husband shoot him, but we both will if we have to without hesitation. My point for those currently suffering in a relationship with one and for those who are trying to get out or recently get out, you will survive. I was forced to file bankruptcy and just last month won the case to have $100, 000 of his medical student loans taken off of me. Life wil be better….I promise. What someone says to you or does to you does NOT define you….you define you. God bless!

    • Thank you, Kandace. I am so glad you were able to keep your daughter safe and to experience justice and validation. :)

    • What a terrifying experience. Always good to hear when someone triumphs over the adversity in their life. I read somewhere that sociopaths choose or target a particular personality type. Sacrificial profile. This is because we do everything to make the relationship work, overlook unacceptable behaviour because they are stressed or we believe the “poor me” story and Web of lies they tell us. This is not because we are gullible so much as we are deeply caring, giving, and compassionate people. Despite the pain caused I hope you maintain those qualities. We are closer to healing than a sociopath ever will be. To others involved with someone you think might be a sociopath, take the advice of all those who have survived…RUN. RUN. RUN. And find out about the sacrificial profile and how you can protect yourself from making the same bad choice. Wishing other readers and survivors the very best and safe people as a support group.

    • I think my daughter has been married to a man like this for a yr now…and now matter what I say I ami in the wrong, and just dont’ know how to help her or her children,,she works all night while he sleeps in a warm bed , he wont work has every excuse in the book for not having a job and she is worthy of so much more in her life….she defends him and will stay away from us if we say anything….Just don’t know how to help

  38. So I came across this article to see if a narcissistic sociopath exists, and it does! I lived, and was friends with one for like, over a decade! After hanging out on and off through school, i lived with him for some time, and it was a nightmare. I kept trying to tell myself that there is a nice, interesting, talented person under all this misery and constant hate that was projected.

    Luckily after I lost my job I moved out, and he did too. Ive been much happier since, and made a lot of positive changes in my life, I dont hang out with him or negative people like him any more, and I generally am able to keep a positive outlook on my life. Im glad I got out when I did, but the toughest part is going to be persuading people about it….sociopaths are horrible people, and my one regret in life was ever knowing one. They make you feel horrible, talk you into shady things, and generally just make life not worth living.

    To people out there suffering, I feel you. Whatever the situation, get out while you still can, salvage what you have left, and start over. However hard that may sound, if you want to give yourself a chance at being happy you have to do it! Good luck to everyone, and this article is great. Straight up facts, no filler. Well done.

    • Thank you, Soopa Fly, for your encouraging words and your understanding. And bravo to you for being brave and courageous. Your experience can bring hope to many who aren’t in the same positive place as you are, yet. Namaste!

  39. Distraught Hubby said:

    I have figured out that my wife of 21 years is a Narcissist with HPD Traits. She would say things to me then deny ever saying them.
    She was cold and distant and would get angry if I tried to get affection from her.
    She demanded I work two or three jobs at a time to keep up with her spending.

    Yet, when I met her, she was loving and appeared to be caring. I have figured out that I was love-bombed by her. Then, suddenly the love was cut off. I spent years trying to win back the woman I fell in love with.
    Only to discover that the woman wasn’t real.

    • I am so sorry you were duped, Distraught Hubby. It’s really not fair to play with our emotions, but it’s what they enjoy doing just to control us and see us fight and squirm. They live for our misery, because they are so miserable deep inside. Instead of embracing love, they embrace fear and force us to embrace fear also. You wanted that woman because you feared losing her. What so many of us don’t realize until it’s too late is that we can lose something that we never really had in the first place. They make it easy for us, in the end, to let them go but only once we realize what and who they are. For people who just want to love and live without drama, we fight for a balance in the midst of these toxic relationships never realizing it’s just a vain attempt. They don’t want love and balance! They want drama because it’s exciting to them. To me, it’s down right tiresome, and I deserve better. So do you, Distraught! :)

    • Anonymous said:

      I think I am in a relationship like this, I have been dating a man on and off (which seems to be a pattern with this disorder) for 9 years and we have one child together. In the beginning, he was just amazing, I never felt the way I did for him for anyone else. He was so thoughtful and caring and pursued me. As time went by he would out of no where break up with me, and then in a very short time come back. I suspect there were other interests during those times. As years went by, we ended up splitting for about 2 years, and he was dating someone else, during that time we had our child, and decided to work things out. Over the last three years he has “broken up” with me twice for about a month or two, in which I found out he was pursuing other women. Only to come back to me declaring how much he wanted it to work with us, all the while I was in misery wondering what I did wrong, why I was never enough for him and how much I unconditionally loved him, and so, I always agreed to the relationship. And things would be wonderful he would bring me flowers and pay attention to me and make me feel loved, and after a few months he would start slipping back to going out with friends, putting all household (we lives together) responsibilities on me, and we fell into a slump. I was frustrated and never really pursued him sexually or anything, I was a stay at home mom and never had my “own” money to surprise him with anything or never felt like we could so anything financially, even though he has an exceptionally well paying job. So we are now split up, again, and I’m wrestling this giant monster, because I keep going back and forth between anger and oppression and the desire for him to have a change of heart and to go to counseling to work on our issues. He has no remorse that it’s Christmas time and that I took our small child to stay with my parents with little to no explanation because he wanted me out of our home. And he places the blame on me for our failing relationship saying he did not feel loved, pursued or cares for by me. That he was bored and went seeking what he “wasn’t getting as home” elsewhere for fulfillment. I’m a little beside myself. Any advice?

    • Anonymous, I am really sorry you are dealing with a person like this who is also the father of your child. What he’s done to you is reminiscent of what the boy in my story did to one if his fiancées. These people get bored because their idea of love is so delusional. Their idea of love only encompasses the initial “falling in love” phase…the butterflies in the stomach phase. No relationship can maintain that initial rush, that initial high. But that is what sociopaths think love is. And once they stop feeling those butterflies and extreme excitement, they start blaming YOU for what they perceive as a failing relationship. They’re really stupid, aren’t they? Once those butterflies end, that’s when relationships move to more stable ground. Unless, of course, one part of the relationship is disordered. If one part is disordered, the relationship enters toxic territory. You’re in toxic territory. It will never get better. Love yourself and free yourself by letting the sociopath go. Don’t torment your heart and spirit further. You have so much to offer the world and your child. But you’ll never be able to tap into your potential with a vampire sucking away your energy and light. :)

  40. DonniesGirl said:

    I’m currently in a relationship with a man and I firmly believe his ex girlfreind is a narcissistic sociopath. From the very moment she has tried to destroy us. At first I explained it away as pure jealousy, then as immaturity but its gone on too long now to be simply that. This woman left him 9 months prior to us getting together. The moment she found out about he and I, she has tried every trick in the book to get him back or to break us up. During their relationship she stalked and drove her ex husband and his new gf/wife insane. Creating fake social media accounts to get access to them to try to gain information on them and now she is doing it to us. She tried to get to him by professing her love to him, saying she now wanted to be his wife. She tried that for a few months, then moved on to me, trying to convince me that my bf (her ex bf) was going to hurt me etc. When that didn’t work she turned to Facebook to try to destroy us. Making fake accounts and trying to get us to add her. She has spread soooo many lies about us, claiming she is the victim and that we have been stalking and harrassing her. She is very good at manipulation and has convinced a lot of her friends that she is in fact the victim here, even posting my real name to her Facebook stating that I was the evil one. She has sent the police to our home twice on seperate occassions, and both officers stated that she is “not all there”. The last officer she sent stated that she had so much stuff taken from my facebook that she is clearly the one that is “fixated’ on me. Sorry, but thats a definition of a stalker! He stated she is clearly extremely jealous and delusional. She believes that my bf (her ex bf) is still in love with her and that he is just lying about his feelings. She posts things about “waiting for someone is a sign of true love”. She KNOWS what she has done, yet BELIEVES that she is the victim. She is involved in the community as a volunteer and raves about how much “good” she has done yet if they commitee that she is on only knew what she is doing, she’d be banished from this very respectful group. She is relentless…she recently sent a flash drive containing pictures of my bf and her together when they were dating, titleing it True Love Never Dies….it contained a video put together with a song that she thinks was a special song of theirs…..she sent with it, pictures of his young son, which is what she used as a way to manipulate my bf into feeling gratitude towards her….she is extremely well adept at manipulation. I’ve tired to “ignore” her….but she just won’t quit. Just last week we were informed that she now knows where I live and posted that she is moving just one street over from us…..please….what should I do???

    • The only thing you can do is move or ignore her. Do you feel threatened by her outside of being stalked and watched? If she’s a sociopath, she’ll get tired of being ignored and move on to her next BF. While she and your boyfriend were together, was she successful in splitting up her ex and his new wife? How did that end? The key to her behavior more than likely lies in how she behaved in the past. Your ex was with her while she harassed others. What was the outcome of that harassment and how did he handle it then?

    • Distraught Hubby said:

      Thanks, Paula. I really appreciate your site. I try to research as much as I can on BPD/Narcissism. It appears our world is being overrun with these types.

      I still have a couple of teenagers with my wife, so I am trying to hold things together for them. It’s been quite the challenge.

      One thing I have noticed is how narcs challenge everything you say. If I say, “I think it’s going to rain today,” she will automatically say the opposite. It is like that every time I say anything. So, you are correct, they are just tiresome.

    • Exactly! Nothing can be allowed to live out there in the Universe without them leaving their mark. Like a dog marks its territory or something. Always countering and remarking. :)

    • Distraught Hubby said:

      Sorry, my reply went to the wrong story. :)

    • No worries!

  41. Anonymous said:

    Paula,

    Just want to say everything you say is correct and teaching. Stessing the no contact is crucial, and according to my experiences this is the only way to recover from these people I see as not human. What you miss is something that was never really there and it is hard to believe and 2 yrs later it is still hard sometimes after wasting 15 years of my life, though I never regret anything in life it is all for reason. My life may be far from perfect now…but it is peaceful and no longer cry , I laugh…and smile inside and out. Keep up the good work Paula…and hopefully everyone who has experienced life with a person with NPD, & sociopath or either one will take advice from all of those who are on the otherside of this dilemma and join us..you rock!!!

    Ruth

    • Thank you, Ruth. Missing what wasn’t there. Yes! That’s exactly what we do in the early stages of healing and recovery. Once we accept that what we thought was a love bond was actually a trauma bond, we begin to replace those tears with smiles. It’s a beautiful thing to come together and help each other through the painful and uncomfortable aftermath of sociopathic/narcissistic/pathological abuse. Namaste!

    • stressing not stessing (sp) error..

    • i was with my partner for 3 years it was very very abusive im 10 years younger than him i met him when iwas 17 soon after we met he began the abuse very physical abuse the police knew him wel and warned me of him but i keept going back becuase i loved him he had another girlfreind of 7 years which i didnt know about i also found him txting and calling other girls i lied to keep him out of jail when he was beating me up because i loved him so much i actualy thought i coudlnt live with out him he was a suspect in 2 sex atacks but was never charged due to not enough evidence i ended up having his baby and we broke up for good when i just couldnt take it anymore he had other children i didnt know about he used to strangle me unconsious until i had seziers ect weve been broken up for a very long time now but for some reason i ant move on i stil love him and i feel like if i did move on he would hate me so much how do i get past my relationship with this person also do u think he is a phsycopath?

  42. When you love a narcissist…how do you free yourself from him? How can you not answer when he calls? How do you turn and leave the moment you see him when you still care so deeply for him? It doesn’t make sense to me why I can allow such a man to control my actions. I’ve spent countless hours telling myself what to do the “next time”..but all to no avail..because I’m forever giving in and allowing him back time and time again..into this vicious self-destructing circle..i know its wrong..i know what he is..and i simply cant seem to let go and walk away..i feel helpless

    • Helpless,

      Like many of us who end up with people like this, you don’t love and trust yourself to the degree you should. Otherwise, you wouldn’t think twice about not caring about this guy. Why would you or could you really love someone who treats you like garbage and disrespects you and everyone you care about? His goal is control. The more you give in and keep going back or asking to go back, the more control he feels and the worse the abuse becomes when you begin resisting his control again. It’s a vicious cycle. It never ends until you stand up and demand better for yourself and your future. If this guy were your son, would you be proud of him? Of course not!! So why would you want someone like this standing by your side? You couldn’t trust him to be there to support you on your worst days…no way!! He’d run for the hills and for new supply. Then, once you’re recovered, he’d reach out again. You can love and care for him. But do it from a distance. It’s in our nature to give those who have demonstrated love for us (even fake love) a second chance. Many second chances. But you can’t do this with these types. They never learn that what they do hurts people. They don’t understand that our pain and emotions come from a place of true care, not from a need to control like their rages do. We feel and all we want in return is understanding. These people will NEVER understand that because to understand requires empathy and a conscience. They have neither.

    • Helpless, there is help and hope for you. First step, look beyond yourcurrent situation, believe in you, look at the big picture..he isnt going to change nor can you change him..you change, he gets more out of control as he realizes youre stronger and he now has no power over you. This is coming from someone going through it. There are no law stating youneedto takehiscrap anymore..maybe take a break from him like no communications..i believe in you and want you to be safe and ok..

  43. OMG!!! Every single characteristic fits my ex-husband. We were married for 10 yrs and have two children. My therapist told me that he’s a sociopath, and everytime I research it, he fits it to a T. He is absolutely crazy, but beat me down sooo much and made me feel like I was crazy. Soo glad that I got out when I did, should have sooner. He’s incredibly angry at me, and he tells my son so many lies. He’s cunning and manipulative. I can’t fathom how someone lives a life as he does. Thanks for this!

  44. Anonymous said:

    I would be there to help mum and if your brother wont accept it, its too bad because your mom needs you to be her advocate. In time your brother will come to terms with it and respect you and yourmom..best regards

  45. Hi paula,

    Fantastic article, just reading this realized that my brother is one.Do you know how to deal with one?I say this because my father put him in charge of everything and my dad passed recently, mum still alive though.

    • Paul,
      So sorry to hear the news of your father’s passing. The best way to handle them is to remain emotionally detached and try to be present when he tries, inevitably, to influence your mother. In this case, you may want to hire an experienced mediator or fight for a non-family member to represent the estate if possible.

    • Anonymous said:

      I would stand your grounds..be there for your mom..just because he is the appointed executor doesnt mean he is entitled to do stupid stuff to your family. Best regards

  46. I need your help… my wife and I are being stalked, sued and generally slandered by a Narcissistic Sociopath. Lately he lost a case against us… now he is suing the Judge!!! I have a book he wrote in order to slander his late father and siblings, would you be able to read it and give a professional opinion. I would pay reasonable professional fees on proof of your qualifications. Please consider my plea, my wife and I are desperate! Now he’s trying to destroy the career of a Judge because she ruled in our favour

    • I’m not certain of the qualifications you need. If you go to “Contact Paula” and submit a request through the form, we can talk offline. Thanks! ~Paula

    • Don’t be too quick to assume “he” is in the wrong.

      I went to the police after I found out my ex-husband had been cashing cheques payable to me, for a period of 12 years. He is wealthy and certainly did not need to break the law for more money. The police basically laughed at me, although I had copies of cancelled cheques clearly indicating they went into his business account. I also filed a grievance and fought until I won, all the while my family is laughing at me…as usual.

      Sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves to finally achieve justice even if others are trying once again to force us down.

      Oh, by the way, I also wrote a book after 13 years of this sort of treatment, and I’m sure (in fact I know) that my ex’s wife is thinking exactly what you’re thinking. Funny thing is, although many in his circle insist it’s full of lies….they have yet to tell me one thing that is a lie.

      You might want to consider analyzing rationally who is indeed in the wrong.

      Signed,
      Stronger now, somewhere in Canada.

    • hi he doesn’t live in brighton does he?

  47. Anonymous said:

    I need some help in finding out if my sister has NPD or a similar problem. She is around 20, and has had numerous relationships that were bad. When she went to college, she kept saying she was doing fine, but after a while we recognized that she was sleeping through her classes almost every day. She still kept saying she was doing fine. Also, she gets into fights with our parents once in a while, where she occasionally pulls a knife on herself or on our dad (she hasn’t done anything, yet). In these fights she will smash pictures or actually punch through the walls. She is the only one in the family who curses with any regularity. I believe she also had “intimate” relations with one or more of the abusive boyfriends. She can not hold down a job, because usually she gets accepted/goes through training, but then just doesn’t go. My parents pay for almost everything for her, and she constantly eats food that has been explicitly said to be for a specific occasion, time, or person.

    • Your sister is young, and the sooner she gets help the better. How close are you to her? Is she ashamed after these violent outbursts or does she simply go about life as if nothing happened and no one was affected?

    • It sounds to me like your sister might be suffering from depression or bipolar disorder. Anger and irritability (even rage and aggression) are common in depression–especially in younger people (ages 12-40)–and they’re extremely common in bipolar. Promiscuity is also common in bipolar.

      From the symptoms you’ve described, both of these seem like more likely diagnoses than NPD. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I write for a national publication about depression–and I’ve talked to many experts and lay people about the topic. I’m currently writing a piece on anger and depression–and your sister’s symptoms fit the bill. Anger is an often overlooked symptom of depression and a very common one in people with coping with bipolar. I hope your sister can get help soon. Best of luck to you and your family.

  48. Thank for this . I am a victim of physical and mental abuse from my husband. We were together for four years and married for two. We were together for about 9 months and after a mental breakdown on his part and many other signs and an actual diagnoses i found out he had schizoaffective disorder. There weren’t really any incidents of abuse at that time but there were a few incidents with him talking to and trying to hookup with other women. He went into a hospital and started to recover..there were ups and downs and med changes and such..there were alot of good times as well..he started on a wonderful medicine that helped him so much. Things got much better so I attributed his reckless behavior to his illness..but two months after we got married he hit me..and he was on his meds…the emotional abuse and even some physical abuse happened before that but I really thought his meds would change that
    ..but the abuse got worse and he had to get off of the so called good meds due to a heart condition and it all went even further down hill..our marriage meant nothing..he still tried to sleep with women or at least attempt to convince them to sleep with him and the emotional and physical abuse got worse. A month ago i left..went to the hospital after a horrific two day long assault and pressed charges on him. I had to leave my life behind …my job my apartment and my town and start over. Luckily I have amazing family and friends who have helped me tremendously during this incredibly trying time. Throughout everything I assumed with rose colored glasses that his illness was to blame when really it was him and the schizoaffective disorder added to his anguish but I knew it had to be more and after research and your excerpt it makes sense..he exhibited numerous symptoms of both sociopathy and narcissism ..he did a great job pretending he cared and loved me and went so far as to marry me and his lack of empathy was startling..maybe at one point he loved me..but there’s no way to tell..and now I’m almost certain that I am married (soon to be divorced) and was viciously abused by a schizoaffective narcissistic. Sociopath. Thank god I made it out alive. I am now living with my mom dealing with court and trying to get him sentenced he has 9 charges against him including two felonies for what he did to me and I have an active pfa against him and once court is over I will be filing for divorce..thank you again for writing this and shedding light on the situation as well as confirming my suspicions’

  49. An experience with the man I though was my whole life has lead me to this site. I am 28, very attractive and successful. However I come from a broken home where my father has been absent and I have a very bad rship with him. I always date older men. I met this man on a website for older men and you get women. He portrayed himself as a successful property developer back on the dating scene after his partner cheated on him. On his profile he said he was 39. We almost never met ..things kept happening e.g. I never got his text or he turned up late. Guess the universe was trying to stop me. Eventually we met and we had a fantastic first date. We met a few times and he constantly texted and called me. We eventually slept together and I fell for him. He was a lovely person..or so I thought. 2 weeks later I found out I had got herpes. I had never had this disease before. But the more I learnt the more I realised that he bought this into my life. When I told him, he didn’t seem phased and made me feel like I bought the disease. We carried on seeing each other. We would meet for sex hotels. He said I couldn’t go to his place as he was staying with his mother she had Alzheimer’s and it would confuse her. He told me he sold his house with his ex of 6 years. I went on holiday with a friend and whilst I was there he got angry and accused me of sleeping with someone. He blocked me so I couldn’t call him. I was so upset. I didn’t eat or haven fun te entire time. A few days later he told me he still had feelings for his ex which shattered me. Up until this time he told me he loved me and he wouldn’t know what to do with himself if it wasn’t for me. When I returned he acted as normal and said he was scared. So I Stuck by him. We would have lovely talks and times together but always stayed at hotel. Eventually I moved out of my parents to be close to him and got my own flat. However, sometimes he would disappear. When I’d get hold of him he’d say his battery ran out or he was busy with work. But he would disappear for days. The whole time I was suspicious but I thought because he had his business he was busy. He would never go on holiday. And also disappeared on his bday and said he was depressed at how his life was. The whole time we were having fantastic sex. I would pay his phone bills and beg for him to pay me back which he did eventually.we would spend the whole weekend together and he would call me throughout the week so I thought nothing of it. I was always suspicious and tried breaking up with him but then call him apologising because he had no reaction. And he blamed me for sabotaging our relationship. I soon found out he was actually 48 and not 39. He denied putting 39 on his profile and it didn’t bother me. Over the year I never met his mother or friends or went to his house. He used to say how much he hated cheaters and how he would never cheat on anyone. A year into our relationship he convinced me I needed therapy because I kept breaking up with me and it as because of issues with my father. Shortly after I found out that he was still with his ex, after I turned up outside his house when my gut said something was Wrong. He never left her. He would spend the weekend with me and see here in the week. She was as devastated as me. And told me she used o think it was odd he would disappear on weekend but thought he was such a decent guy. He said he on,y had sex twice with her which she confirmed. When I asked her if it was odd she just said she thought he was seeing prostitutes but not an affair. I never knew of her at all. He even talked about having children. In hindsight, I don’t even think he has a successful business as he claims. His gf even told me they never had a house together or lived together in 6 years and that he just stayed over like he did with me. I feel like he is a stranger to me,,but I feel so empty as I feel I lost my best friend. I really loved him. His last words were he loved his ex and wants to give the, a chance, he did apologise and even cry when he got found out, I’ve just written the gist of everything here. There were times when he was cruel and nasty. Shouting at me in middle of street, walking out of hotel and leaving me there. He told me he loved me then in front of her he said he loved her.. But our year together,… He was having sex with me and talking to me about his thoughts and fears. I can’t believe this happened… When I went on holiday with my mum he called me for two hours as it turned out to be the day his father passed away 20 years ago. I felt so guilty for leaving him as he said he felt alone. I asked him why he didn’t call her and he said ‘ what does that tell u’. He had an emotional affair, not just a physical one. But he lied to me and her throughout the year…and neither of us suspected the lie would be this big. I thought about survive when I found out. He completely destroyed me

    • Virgo, Many of us can relate to your story, even if the details don’t match specifically. It’s the lies and the claims that he would NEVER cheat on anyone that hooks us in. And the successful business? Yes, that’s surely a lie, too. Would you agree that what you actually miss isn’t HIM but the physical connection and high of the great sex? There was never a connection beyond the physical. These people aren’t capable of it. The irony is that we find it harder to let go of these superficial people because we can’t fully comprehend the injustice of the time and love we wasted on them. We will never get those days, months or years back that these abusers and manipulators stole from us. But we can be better than we were before them. We now know that we aren’t superficial and that we do desire deep and true connections with honest and good people. Our true nature was revealed to us and it’s up to us to nurture ourselves and set our boundaries and not let people like this infiltrate our lives in the future.

  50. GlimmerofHope said:

    I am glad I found this site and think my DIL is a narcissist and possibly a sociopath. She’s extremely controlling of my son to the point that she won’t allow him to see his parents or for us to see our grandson. Interestingly our son in in total contact with us and has allowed us to see our grandson behind her back. To her face he’s compliant. I think he’s being abused by her emotionally and she’s manipulative. We cautioned him about marrying her but unfortunately he went through with it although he did say he had reservations about her.

    • He’s not alone. So many of us second-guess our guts and follow through with engagements, marriages and children with these types! If we mention leaving or ending the relationship, they are so good at turning up the pity and acting desperate. They are infants and we want to help them, but we end up getting harmed…inevitably. I hope your son finds the strength and support to follow his gut.

  51. Thanks for sharing. Over the past year I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mom is a narcissist. And now realizing, a sociopath too. And this is after moving halfway across the country and going to a therapist for 5 years. It took that long to unwind myself from the web enough to see it. What a difficult process it’s been. My thank goodness I finally see the truth. Finally I’ve found pieces to the puzzle that I always felt were missing

    • Hi K, my heart goes out to you. My Mum (Mom) was also a Narcissist/Sociopath, something which I only realised a year ago when I realised I’d been a victim of narcissistic abuse (intimacy abuse) with someone whom I believe is a narcissistic sociopath and as we all do after the ‘discard’, we start researching and googling ‘lying and story telling’ because we’re trying to make sense of it all, until we stumble upon ‘Narcissists and Sociopaths’ and bingo!! Well it was then I also stumbled upon ‘Narcissistic Mothers, Enabling Fathers and Scape-goat child’ (if you want I’ll send you the link – helped me and might help you too) and yes, it’s a very difficult process. Very difficult, but now, like me, you’ve finally found pieces to the puzzle. My Mum died a year ago from cancer (I moved back here to the UK from South Africa at the age of 21 just to get away from her – I was the scape-goat daughter) and for a while I felt angry because I never got the chance to tell her it was never me, it was HER. That I AM lovable and clever. I wanted to hand her back all HER muck which she projected on to me. I wanted to tell her such a lot. But then I realised, from researching NPD and from reading the book about NM’s that it wouldn’t have made any difference. She wouldn’t have felt any guilt or any remorse. She would instead have become enraged and most likely would have tried to ruin my life, as she so often did until I cut contact completely! I’m here if you want to ‘share’ and I’ll find that website for you on NM’s if you’d like :) x

  52. Nope, I believe you, every word. Hang in there and don’t give up! 💪
    NIB

  53. Paula, thank you for stopping by!

    Have a wonderful day :)

  54. After reading the posts, I no longer feel that I am alone in what is happening to me. I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 40 years. I stayed for the sake of the children. Six years ago, I was diagnosed with Leukemia and this changed the family dynamics. My hospital admissions and medical treatments rendered me weak and helpless and he used this opportunity to position himself favorably with the kids. He won them over to his side with expensive gifts, cell phones and other electronics, cars – the works using our joint credit line while making him think he was the generous Dad. He was able to justify the relationship he had started with another man at work. He was out every night sneaking into the house in the early hours of the morning and on weekends he would disappear as well. His cell phone records show calls from this so called “drinking buddy” as early as 7 in the morning and late at night. He plunged us heavily into debt with his excessive spending on gas, liquor and expensive dinners. When he began to phone my friends and extended family telling lies about me I knew I had to get out. As soon as I filed for divorce, he feigned depression in order to go on disability to avoid paying spousal support. All my children except for one son are in denial as it is easier to believe that I am the one at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. I cannot imagine how the family doctor and a psychiatrist cannot see that he is faking. He makes it a point of playing to the gallery by crying at the drop of a hat, using the same scruffy outfit. He claims depression. extreme anxiety when around people/ crowds, inability to drive due to vertigo, as well as difficulty walking due to a limp. Yet- he manipulated shutting me out of our son’s graduation, staying in the convocation hall for two and a half hours and the reception that followed afterwards, without experiencing an anxiety attack, drove his BMW on the same occasion from our daughter’s house out of town to downtown Toronto with four passengers, and most recently took a plane ride inspite of his alleged fear of flying to a US port for a Carribean cruise, He has refused to sign the settlement agreement we had drafted because he wants to leave me with nothing. Not only does he intend to avoid paying spousal support but he is demanding either part of my pension or the same amount from the proceeds of the sale of the house which is about 40K. This will render me not only homeless but unable to afford accommodations for myself, while he lives comfortably in our daughter’s mansion, without any expenses, and collecting disability three times of what I am receiving in benefits. He is also attempting to overturn my disability and force me to return to work so that I would pay him spousal support. His delaying tactics are intended to bleed me dry as he is aware that I have limited resources while his legal fees and other expenses are bankrolled by our daughter. I am in a bind and would welcome any input. My story may sound so unreal but every word of this is true. I cannot wait for this nightmare to end.
    Doris

    • Your story is so similar to my parents’ divorce, only in my case it was my mom who the narcissist. I also dated a narcissist many years ago (thank god I got out of that). My experience with narcissists is to avoid arguing/disagreeing with them or become hyper reactive to anything they say/do (I know this sounds impossible). But, they passive aggressively will work to “get you back” for opposing them (their ego can’t handle it). Focus on your clarity, what you know to be true about yourself and be calm and patient. Narcissists DO self destruct at certain points &/or get bored and move on to the next thing, and he will do it on his own. If you try to intervene, he will use it to bring you in as a scapegoat to his behavior or for general blame. Think of yourself as a reflector…let anything he says or does easily bounce off of you with no reaction. Best of luck to you. Bravery will get you through!

    • I’ve just got out of a three and a half year marriage to a man who is so cruel and demeaning. I’ve read so much about sociopaths and narcissistic personality and he fits the bill. I pride myself on my honesty and deep moral code for kindness. It has been a long campaign by himself and his family members to ridicule and destroy me. I have been made, by his constant child-like behaviour to agree to move beside his mother and manipulative sister. The nastiness and intimidation has been awful. using my weak spots to laugh at me and laughing as I cried. There are 7 of them so it’s been difficult to be who I am. Their motto is the mackay way is the only way and they don’t fit social norms. I finally got the police involved after he forced himself inside for sex against my will and I became a numb shell. It proved without a doubt, over and above all of his claiming he was getting psychological help to change his behaviour, that I was just a means to an end and I could no longer pretend to myself, that somewhere inside he loved me. There was lying, manipulation, staying out all night. Disappearing at any time. No phone calls for him while at home. He had recently admitted, if it can be believed, to having slapped a wee girl on the face when he was a child and the thrill of it had him doing it regularly to the same wee girl while pretending to others that they were friends. Sick. I began to realise that his behaviour has been lifelong and not because of me. Its so difficult to accept that I allowed him into my life Xx take care Xx

  55. My dad’s wonderful words of wisdom when I poured my heart out to him, and how foolish, humiliated and betrayed I felt “I would of thought something was wrong with YOU if you didn’t put your whole heart and soul into your marriage, now I just know there is something definitely wrong with HIM”. I believe those words apply to all of us. You will get through this, and remember “living well is the best revenge ever”! xoxo.

  56. I have no idea where to begin. I was in a relationship very much like the many I have just read on this website, for 3 years. I was a single mother with young children and he was (what I thought then) the man of my dreams, handsome, witty, charming and so much more. I didn’t know it at the time but looking back I did see signs that he was a sociopath early in our relationship, he boasted about sleeping with other women, and would give details in front of me to his friends. He bragged one night about sleeping with another woman while we were together. I couldn’t believe how devastated I was, I told him to leave me alone for good. And after arguing and crying for hours and him promising it would never happen again, I was so in love and he was so convincing that I forgave him. Then it happened again and again, I’d find him texting and talking to other women, he told me he would stop and each time I forgave him. Other early signs were that he was quick to anger for what I thought were very little things and he very much felt like he was above the law. So many of the descriptions of a sociopath I didn’t know about, I now realized that I did see in him. He was very charming to other people, no one would ever know what I went through. He was very flirty with other women and a lot of women liked it, I was one of them, it is what attracted me to him in the first place. But now that we are broken up, some women that I have met that know him have told me that he ‘creeped them out’, coming to their home even when he knew her husband wasn’t home, etc. I remember seeing something about sociopaths having an almost ‘predatory’ stare, he did that and it made me feel so very uncomfortable, he would just stare at a woman that he found pretty, almost like he could devour her and it made me sick to my stomach. But, when things were right, he made me feel like no one else has ever made me feel in my life. I saw compassion in him and some other things that are opposite of a sociopath. He did own his own business and was loyal to his work, he was all about appearances, big house, lots of money, lots of guns, he wanted to feel powerful and he did, he was not a moocher like many of the descriptions of sociopaths I have seen. But I do believe he made his money in less than honest ways. And he was quick to pretend that he didn’t have money even though he was very wealthy. He once fooled a parking attendant into giving him a free pass at a seminar for the $10 parking fee because he told her he only brought enough money for us to eat lunch and in reality he had hundreds of dollars in his wallet. He did things like this VERY often. After someone told me that they thought he was a sociopath, I did some research and saw that he had most of the sociopath behaviors, but some were not him, such as him feeling compassion for others and owning a successful company.
    For the first year we were together things were ok, when we were good we were wonderful, I never thought I could ever feel as much love as I did for him. But when he hurt me, I knew we couldn’t go on. I never did move in with him, he had asked me to many times. He was good to my children and would never hurt me when my children were present. But, when I started to get the courage to leave him he would abuse me. The nights we argued about other women he would throw me around, so hard I would urinate on myself. He would choke me, pull my hair out, rip my clothes off and threaten to urinate on me, but he rarely left bruises. After a really bad incident I got a restraining order against him. He got lawyers to talk to me and I eventually agreed to remove the order. He was so convincing to me, he would tell me he needed help, he would cry and cry and agreed to see a psychologist. We saw two psychologists together, the first was a woman and he didn’t like the things she said so he chose a man. After seeing a male psychologist 3 times, the Dr. told him he was not capable of change, everything the Dr. told him to do or not do he would not follow his orders and the Dr. told me to leave him, that he was not capable of having a healthy relationship. The last night I was with him I truly felt that he was going to hurt me worse than he ever had, we were out to dinner and he got upset at me for ordering something he didn’t want to pay extra for, I saw the look in his eyes after I got upset with him and told him to go back to the woman he was dating while we were broken up because she could afford to take him out. I saw the rage in his eyes and I knew I could not leave the restaurant with him or he would hurt me and I honestly didn’t know if I would survive this one. He waited outside for me and came back into the restaurant and took my phone as I was calling a friend for a ride. I told him I was going to call the police if he didn’t give my phone back, and after going back and forth several times, he wouldn’t give my phone back so I called the police from the restaurant phone, he came back into the restaurant and took the phone from my hand. He left when he realized that I was actually calling the police and they chased him and arrested him. I have not been with him since that moment. When the trial date came up I had to appear in court, they had some social workers there to help me and tell me it was ok and that they could charge him, I only told them that if he left me alone and took anger/abuse classes that I would be fine so he did not get charged, and he agreed to leave me alone and he has not contacted me since.
    I know what many people will think when they read this, she is stupid, she is an idiot, why would anyone keep going back to someone like that. I don’t know how to answer that, and I definitely did not give the full story in these short paragraphs, but after reading this website and trying to figure out why I am still trying to get over what happened to me, I felt I just had to tell my story. I feel like I have been brainwashed, how could I love someone so evil? I saw such evil in him but I also feel like I saw so much good, it really makes no sense to me and I have been struggling with this for a long time. I am sure though after reading what others have posted that many who are reading this have experienced the same things I experienced. My problem now is that I am in constant pain, I feel like I am drowning. I feel lost, I don’t know how I could have loved someone so awful but I am also ashamed to say that it has been over a year and I don’t think I am over the love I had for him. After all he did to me, how can I not be over him? He has moved on with someone else. From what I know of her, she is a nice person, single mom, good job, etc. He has been with her over a year and I can’t help but think maybe he has changed, and if he has changed why couldn’t he do that for me? I wish more than anything that I could move on and be happy with someone else. I am happy with my own life, my wonderful children and I now have a great job that I love, but I feel something missing, I want to feel a connection with another man again and can’t help but think I will never find that again in my life.
    I was happy to find this website and read everyone else’s stories. I do find comfort that there are others out there who understand, or at least I hope will understand. I want to become at peace with myself again and I want to be able to love again in a good, whole, right way, I hope that it’s possible.

    • Thank you so much for sharing. No one here thinks you’re an idiot! We each see ourselves as much bigger idiots than you. :)

      But seriously, everything you are feeling in these days is normal. It’s a sign that you are suffering, though. And you need help to reach the peace that you deserve. Talk to your therapist about trauma and cognitive dissonance. The confusion you describe of having two opposing emotions (i.e., you love him and you hate him) are indicative of experiencing cognitive dissonance. And continue loving your children and growing your career. Soon you will discover a greater love for yourself which will fill that empty space you describe above. No more looking outside of yourself for absolute fulfillment. :)

      Namaste! Peace to you Anonymous!

    • Thank you Paula, I truly appreciate your reply. I am feeling like I am suffering, and after reading more stories, I find I am like many others, left wanting answers. Why did I let myself get so far into the relationship knowing how bad it was? He told me time and time again he could never love anyone like he loved me, he couldn’t live without me and I believed him, he begged me to help him and I wanted to help. And now I am the one left feeling lost and alone. I just don’t understand. And funny thing is,, I don’t hate him, I hate the things he did to me, I know they were awful, I hate the way he hurt me and the emotional stress I feel now, but I don’t hate him. He had a way of making sure I saw things from his perspective and that it was my fault that he did some of the bad things he did. It’s been over a year and I just wish my mind could let go of all of this. I know it will take time, I just wish that time would come.

      thank you again so much.

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Sorry you have had to deal with this trauma. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it takes much time to come to terms with the way these people live and operate. I have been separated from my husband two years..one year since we were together again for a minute..I was married 17 years and i don’t know how i lived with my eyes open / but closed at the same time. I am studying to become a therapist and this narcissistic behavior and disorder is very interesting and destructive. I knew his mom was this long ago …he seemed to get worse as time when on or I just became fed up , not sure..Hey he was true to me for 11 years ..he thought that was very admirable of him. Anyway he lost and his kids do not talk to him…still hard to believe somedays I am alone and raising my 15 yr old alone…though I do have peace…my other son’s are now grown..and good men ..no thanks to him. Yes, he does have a girlfriend when he saw I would not be with him again..tried to keep both..she was someone …he dated a couple times 30 yrs ago…really? she left her two teen daughters with her ex boyfriend to be with my husband…we are not divorced yet and live together in my town..Don’t worry just like you said …they may seem happy…though I will not have any contact with him…but they aren’t ..he like your ex is the same ..and he will act and do the same to her as he did to you and same with my soon to be ex. I just think it is amazing we were together that long…most relationships with these people do not last..though I probably kept it together..I used to tell him he seemed to be married to himself…think I was correct.

      Anyway sorry to ramble…just focus on you and your kids and your future..you will find someone when you are supposed to and you will be that much smarter. I am 54 and am not sure if I want to find someone…though I probably do ..if they can live up to expectations.. time will tell. Take care and know people are always here to help and listen. You Can Do It !!

    • Thank you overcome, I already feel better after reading more from you and others. I have been in a trance for a few years and it’s time to snap out of it. I know this. I know I have to heal and I know that time will come for me. Thank you

    • Hello Anonymous, I’m so pleased you’re reaching out and seeking support. Being heard and validated is essential to our recovery. No-one who has been a victim of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse will ever think you’re stupid. We’ve all been there, feeling ‘stupid’ for being so gullible! This is an excellent website, Paula’s book is brilliant and you will receive all the help and support you need, but may I also suggest that you read PSYCHOPATH FREE (or download the Kindle version). This has become my bible! They also have their own website http://www.psychopathfree.com where you can join thousands of other survivors and begin your healing journey. You are FREE now! My thoughts are with you x

    • Yes. That’s a great site. You’ve reminded me that I need to create a resource page of places online and other books. Thank you, Handling-it! :)

    • “He has moved on with someone else. From what I know of her, she is a nice person, single mom, good job, etc. He has been with her over a year and I can’t help but think maybe he has changed, and if he has changed why couldn’t he do that for me?”

      This one is easy. No, he hasn’t changed. No way. It’s hard for “normal” people to make even small changes in their behavior–it can take years–and that’s if these people are extremely self-aware, empathetic, and motivated. Sociopaths and narcissists are none of these things–and research indicates they are basically incapable of change. I had a boyfriend who was a (much) less extreme version of your guy. After a three-year split, he tried to rekindle our relationship. I let him in as a friend–and it seemed that he had indeed changed. But it took a few months to see that he was exactly the same. The only thing that changed was that he realized the value of what he had lost. But he still lied, although he prided himself on telling me when he lied (sometimes–other times he just completely denied it, in the face of overwhelming–even laughable–evidence to the contrary; and sometimes he’d forget he had acknowledged a lie–and would deny it again)–as if acknowledging this was “progress.” And when he realized that I wasn’t going to give him the relationship he said he wanted, he began treating me with contempt/disdain (so as to prove to himself he wasn’t losing anything of value). We are no longer friends.

      I will say this: it’s perfectly okay to still feel love for your guy. You loved him. It’s as simple as that. We don’t choose who we love. And it’s quite possible that he actually is doing the best he can. If sociopaths truly are incapable of change, then perhaps we should have some compassion for them (which is not to say we should let them into our lives or let them manipulate or abuse us). He probably has some positive traits that you need to cultivate more in yourself. I fell in love with my guy partly because he was charming, funny, and a wonderful writer. I realized that, more than anything, I had these traits deep inside myself–and wanted to cultivate them more. The attention your guy gave you–in the times he made you feel special–you need to give to yourself. You are more than worth it. The more you cultivate yourself, the more your self-esteem will grow–and the more you’ll naturally be attracted to guys who honor the esteem you hold for yourself. It will come–but it will take time. Be patient. Take time to wallow. Write in your journal. And then do something–anything–you love to do. And keep doing these things. They will help distract you from him and help you realize your worth. At that point, it won’t matter to you if he’s in a successful relationship with someone else. But I can guarantee you that he’s NOT.

    • There is a book called women who love sociopaths. It is great, it analyzes why the hold of a sociopath or psychopath is so strong. On top of that you are a great writer, and I think you could write novels your writing is so fine. Really. And if it gets a little too truthful, change names and identifying characteristics, like a man you know fooled around on you for six years, just say, put down four. And instead of a plumber, an electrician. And anyway, he won’t remember because his line of reasoning is it was never his fault, if he read the book he wouldn’t even know it was about him, even if you quoted paragraphs of what he said. I imagine if you did write about him, many people would think it imaginative fiction. I have published two books about my life, taking poetic license wherever I want to–it is art, and sometimes fiction communicates that better than truth. Hey, I would buy anything you published, because your wring is that good. Anyway, so far I have not been sued.

    • Thank you, Katie. I did write my story as fiction and just referred to him as “the boy”. Hehe! He just laughs and tells people, “My crazy ex wrote a story about a sociopath whose childhood resembles my own.” They really are clueless. Are your books available to share and read?

  57. I came across this site doing more research on the antisocial personality disorder. I’m pretty sure my husband has this and we even saw a psychologist, of his pick, at one point but she surprisingly took his side on everything.
    We are going through a divorce which he is not making easy. We were married for about two years. When I met him, I thought he was very different. He seemed like such a good person and everyone loved him. He was charming, outgoing, and always the life of the party. He cheated on me early on in the relationship and I eventually forgave him and we got back together. During the course of our marriage we got custody of his kids. I was the main caretaker for them since he worked later hours. I put up with him lying, probably cheating, trashing me to people, going out drinking most nights, and barely spending time with his kids. There were a couple times were he started arguments then became physical such has pushing me down or choking me.
    One night he took my keys and phone away from me and wouldn’t let me out of the bedroom. That was probably the most helpless I’ve ever felt. And when I gave up on trying to get out, I sat on the bed and cried and he just looked at me and asked why I was crying.
    He had many single female friends who he went out drinking with and would call and text but he would delete the messages. He always insisted that they were just friends so even though it made me uncomfortable, I was just being dramatic or stupid, and he refused to back off from any of the relationships. He even continued to be “friends” with the one girl that he did admit to cheating on me with.
    Eventually I found out that he’d used my social security number to open utilities in my name, which he wasn’t paying, and also had applied for two different loans. His reasoning? We talked about it. Yes we did. I said absolutely the bills were going to be in his name, due to his financial irresponsibility and my inability to contribute to the bills. So if he didn’t pay them, I wouldn’t be able to. He said we must have just had a misunderstanding.. And the loans? He didn’t do that (he said). Once we split the last time, he refused to pay the bills he’d opened in my name. He said I needed to realize that he didn’t have to pay them because they were in my name. He also told me that he did that just so he could leave me stuck with them if he decided he needed to.
    On top of that, as I was leaving, he called his previous ex-wife to tell her that he had kicked me out because I had been mean to their children. This is also what he told all of his friends and acquaintances. I actually left due to the choking incident. And while we were married, we had so many arguments because he never wanted to spend time with his kids but he would tell me that he spent plenty of time with them. One went to work with me and the other would come after school and I took them both home with me and did homework, dinner, baths, everything. They went with their mom one weekend and the other weekend my husband would send them to his moms so he could go out drinking.
    He also let me know that I wasn’t contributing anything because I didn’t pay bills. This was something we specifically talked out before I moved in with him. He was very aware that I wasn’t in a position to help with bills. But apparently watching his kids wasn’t any kind of contribution either. He told me it “wasn’t a big deal” that I took care of two kids that I did not birth.
    He’s also started two or three different business. Eventually he gets tired of them. The last one was all about throwing parties which put him right in the spotlight. He loved it. And he could go out every night and say he had to promote for an upcoming party.
    So, like I said, we’re getting divorced but he still contacts me between girlfriends, or during, who knows. He says things like he still loves me and he’ll never love anyone else like me. He wants to work things out. I need to move with him. But he’s still doing all the things he did while we were married. And I the last time I left was the third time I think. He wasn’t able to change to save his marriage and yet hes been promising change this whole time. I’m trying to make myself give up hope. I start to feel okay when I don’t talk to him even though I miss that pretend person, the good one. Then I get a call from him. And I can only ignore it so long. Luckily he’s moved very far away so I don’t have to worry about seeing him much.
    Sorry, I know this got pretty long and it’s all over the place. I read some of the stories and thought I’d share mine.

    • Rose,

      No need to apologize. Thank you for your willingness to share. Outside of the actual people and children, your story could be mine and so many other’s. I wish psychiatrists and counselors had better training and awareness of the manipulations and red flags of language used by these types. Instead, they just hear complaints and pity-party stories as if they’re coming from a remorseful and caring spouse concerned about his spouse’s behavior. Makes me wonder if these professionals can really spot trauma in a person who has been acted upon by sociopaths, too. One day maybe. One day. :)

    • We only tried one psychologists before I’d made up my mind to leave but she seemed to support the idea that a wife supports whatever her husband does. So even if I brought up something he undeniably did wrong, she just didn’t comment on it… not even close to my beliefs

    • Rose, I read your message here and I thought I was reading something that I had written……..it is all so similar to what I am going through. No children involved directly thank goodness.
      A major difference is that I was married for 27 years to my best girlfriend’s cousin. It is going to get messy and in reading your message I see similarities in him ‘borrowing money’, creating debt in my name and then laughing after refusing to pay what he owes, the girl ‘friend thing’ and the lies, lies, lies.
      Did ‘yours’ ever pay for any of the bills? Did you go to court? Results? We share heartbreak even though we don’t know each other.

    • It took months but he did end up paying back the bills but I had to agree to pay half of them just to get anything. I’ve recently heard that he took his only real friend for a lot more money. We never did go to court although it took him about 8 months to sign the divorce papers and honestly I’m not positive that he did since thats coming from him and I can’t get a return call to confirm it for whatever reason..

    • Wow. Thanks for your story Rose. I feel like I’m reading my own. I’ve been separated from my husband for a year, and although we live on opposite sides of the country, we still text on a daily basis. I know it’s not good for me because it keeps me in a constant state of confusion…and guilt. But as long as I’m in agreement with him, then I can continue to believe I’m dealing with that exciting, charming, passionate man I first fell in love with. But if I disagree. WHOA! Hold on to your hat! He will blast my phone with the most God awful things that NO person should EVER say to someone else, no matter how much they may have hurt or upset you. When I first met him I was married, in fact still technically a newly wed as I had been married for less than 3 months. But when I first met him at a Halloween party (with nothing but a loin cloth and horns on his head), I immediately thought “Oh my God. What have I done? This guy is the ONE!” Yeah, that whole love at first site thing? I had it. I fell hook, line, and sinker. I even went to bat for him with CPS over some conflict with his ex-wife (red flag, one of many I ignored…and still sometimes justify). I also helped raise his three kids. They did not live with us, but I was the one who took care of them when the visited. I even made an effort to visit them or have them out to stay with me when my husband was deployed. All because I felt it is important for kids to have a relationship with their father and I thought that by staying involved with them, even if he wasn’t there, might help them feel more connected to him. Lord, can you say codependent? When he was home and we had the kids, I felt even more isolated, unsupported, and unappreciated then I did when he was gone. He would get completely hammered and I would have to deal with the kids all by myself while daddy was on a binge (sometimes for days as a part of his pre-deployment jitters, or depression over losing a friend. Don’t get me wrong. His work is hard and he’s had to deal with losing more than a few buddies. But it’s also the nature of his work and drinking yourself into oblivion and verbally, and sometimes physically, assaulting your wife is not a way of handling it). When we did see a therapist, she took his side. He is Navy special forces (You know how you can tell a Navy SEAL in a bar? He’ll tell you). I actually asked our therapist, at an individual visit if she thought he fit the bill for narcissism. She read through her DSM-IV and decided that since he had actually achieved a lot simply by definition of his career, that he was not. This past year has been the longest most painful year of my life. We split right after my 40th birthday (which was a big deal to me and yet he planned a major event for himself months in advance that took place ON my birthday. He even racked up a mountain of credit card debt because of it and left that with me as a part of our separation agreement…an agreement that I felt seemed unfair however I could never explain why as everything he said made me feel guilty so I just accepted it). It all seems so clear to my family and friends, who can frequently see things better being on the outside. We have a 7 year old daughter together and she LOVES her daddy. In fact she just told me the other day that “daddy gives her everything she wants”. I call him the “Disney Dad”. He has started taking his kids on special father/daughter or father/son trips, taking them somewhere exciting (like his 14 yr old daughter to NYC and his 12 year old son to Astronaut camp). Must be nice to not have to deal with any of the real life, day to day happenings then swoop in, fill them full of candy and gifts and, hightail it back to freedom. And the whole promiscuity thing? Let me just say, he is not a striking man. He’s very average. But not in his book. He, to this day, thinks all of my girlfriends want him. On his first deployment, he developed an extremely inappropriate relationship with a female agent and continued to text her multiple times throughout the day upon his return home. One of her texts came in while he was in the bathroom and it was in response to a text from him starting out with “Hey Beautiful Woman”. That had been his pet name for me since the beginning of our relationship. And there it was. Someone else’s name…how small and stupid I felt. He never did discontinue their “friendship”. I hope it was worth losing his entire family over. And on more than one occasion (at least 3 I can think of), he actually bought plane tickets for my girlfriends to visit us, or we met one of them in Vegas. Not only did he buy their tickets, but he also paid for everything else (meals, drinks, entertainment). He was absolutely LIVID because I didn’t make a threesome happen in Vegas. Funny, if he’s so charming, why didn’t he make it happen himself? He made me feel guilty about that for weeks. And these are my close girlfriends…like sisters. The thought of such behavior wasn’t even on my radar and was downright disgusting to me. But what a prude, selfish bitch I am for feeling that way. Wow, this post ended up being way longer than I intended. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. But once I start remembering (or allowing myself to remember) the floodgates open and all the WTF’s that have happened over the years flow back into my brain…and make me feel stupid and weak. Because I’m still hanging on. For what? An apology? That will never happen. But I keeping hoping…and waiting. And I’m exhausted…

  58. Anonymous said:

    I find all of these stories enthralling because they are so similar to my own:

    We were inseparable. We had so many similar interests and loved spending all of our time together. He was my best friend, and my first love.

    He was a very talented up-and-coming chef. He wasn’t nearly the most attractive guy I’d ever dated, but he was certainly the most confident. He opened my eyes to so many new things. All of his friends worshiped him, and so did I. Always thinking love would find a way to elude me, I finally felt like this was it.

    For the next 6 years, I shared my life with a narcissistic-sociopath. Shortly after we moved in together, there was a night when he got into a ridiculous argument with a bum. I didn’t think he had too much to drink, but at the time that was the only thing that could explain such a mood swing. He cried when we got home and told that he was “no good”. I will always remember this night because a friend of mine once said “when a person tells you who they are… believe them.”

    We went through cycles of sheer bliss, to him pulling away, “needing a night out with his friends”, or even purposefully starting arguments in order to gain time away and justify all actions. He was never sorry and denied everything. I stood up for myself but felt helpless. It was either state my peace and get over it, or break-up and move out.

    When we finally did break-up, one of his friends confirmed to me that he had cheated the entire relationship “not with one, with many”. I was truly shocked. I had no idea someone could look you in the eye, tell you that they love you, know everything about you, and betray you in such an unthinkable way. It is beyond my comprehension, and I will never understand. The sickest part, the part that makes me the most ashamed, is that I went back.

    I have not seen or spoken to him in 2 years, and I finally feel safe. I finally feel like I see things for what they were, and that there is no danger of me returning to such an abusive relationship. It’s been a process; it hasn’t been easy, but believe me you can regain your life and be happy all of the time rather than a fraction of the time. In the moment, I would have never said this because I could not see my way out. But trust me, you can do it. Pour you life in to your family, your friends, your work, and most importantly yourself.

    • Thank you for sharing your honesty and encouragement. I think we all went back thinking they changed from the last time we left, learned that their behavior needed modified and would evolve beyond the manipulations and nastiness. But it’s never the case. Never. They are what they are and won’t change. They simply change the scene or the woman or the group of admirers. They never change themselves. :)

  59. Hi Paula and Keith

    Like you Keith, my father was “a narcissist/sociopath who had a devastating effect on all the kids in the family.”

    I’m only in contact with one of my four sibs these days and he lives overseas.

    No-one wants to know about narcissism and I’ve been accused of being obsessed with it.

    I’ve realised (through many hard lessons) that I can’t change or make things better within my family. I’ve let go of my illusions too – seeing my sibs for who they really are, not what I’d like them to be.

    Denial seems to be part of the fabric of NPD families. Maybe try to stop wanting acknowlegement from your mother. YOU know the truth. “Know what you know.”

    She probably wants to live in fantasyland cos she can’t deal with the guilt of knowing what she put you, your sibs and herself through.

    You’ve been through enough.

    I wish you a long, happy narc-free life!

    Mish

    • Christine said:

      Hi Mish – yes, the biggest problem amongst society is denial – but you know what “strength is where knowledge and acceptance is – but we need to go on – we can not allow that people’s demons to become ours -

  60. Dear Paula,

    Thank you very much for this. My wife and I have been “stalked” by a sociopath for the past 18 months, making our lives completely miserable. We have never met this man but know a huge amount about him. He comes from a large wealthy family. He was like a parasite to his parents, whilst his other brothers worked hard. His own Father shot him in frustration. Then when his father died he sued his siblings to get an unfair proportion of the estate. Now he is focusing on us… we were on the board of the housing association of a condominium, where he owns units. Seemingly he was never happy with anything we did and finally sued the whole board of directors. His own tenants were unruly, with 40 or 50 people entering and leaving his units at all times of the night. My wife confronted the tenant only to have this sociopath (the owner) sue her again, this time for harassment.

    We have now left the building and live in another place, we only visit there to tend to our business (we own a number of units we lease out).

    Our lawyer told us that the sociopath wants money from us as compensation since we let our units out privately, and his are in the coop. He claims we have taken business from the coop and therefore we owe him.

    I have spoken with one of his brothers who confirmed my worst fears, that he is a Narcissistic Sociopath. The brother gave me a book, written by this fellow, a kind of autobiography designed to destroy his siblings… apparently he would leave copy in the Church pews.

    In this book, he confirms that he spent nearly three years in hospital for mental problems… he says depression.

    He confirms that he is very promiscuous and is almost proud of it.

    He confirms that his marriage was a total failure and lasted only a few years.

    He says that his own father was a Narcissist

    He talks a lot about revenge and how you can exact it upon your enemies, including shooting them.

    He says he made CEO at a young age (boastfully), but in reality this was one of many family businesses… so he never really earned the position.

    We know for a fact that he owns a lot of weapons and always carries an automatic.

    We are both very scared of this person who is out of control.

    I am thinking of passing his delightful autobiography to a psychiatrist for their opinion of this person… mine is already made up… he is barking mad!

    We won the first court battle against him, and it’s looking like the second will go our way too… so we have to decide if we counter sue or not.

    Sorry for the rant but I had never even come across the term Narcissistic Sociopath until our paths crossed with this unsavory character.

    Regards,

    G

    • Anonymous said:

      I’m very confused about this post. It says the stalker’s father shot him in frustration….does that not eliminate your problem with this man?

      Signed,
      Confused in Alabama

    • Richard / G: Never judge someone whom you’ve never met. Never take the word of someone else (in this case, his brother) as the gospel truth. This ‘alleged’ narcissist / sociopath may have some ‘issues’ but seeing as you’ve never met him in person, it is wrong to go around labelling! Just saying…..

    • Anon–You can shoot someone without killing them.
      Richard: This man sounds like he has a host of mental disorders–perhaps bipolar, and borderline personality. Not sure if he’s a textbook sociopath, however. Good luck to you.

  61. I am sorry for my mention of that persons name in my post. I intended no harm nor anger toward her.

    • She’s not upset with you. Not at all! She simply realized her name was appearing in a Google search and asked me to delete comments with her name. I deleted her comments and then edited her name out of yours. :)

  62. I cannot believe how many people are suffering. As Paula knows my wife is a Sociopath, as is her Father. May kids were stolen from me nearly 4 months ago. This is about to end. Italian law!!! I can justify how much damage a Sociopath can wreak in any life. However to respond to previous posts my late Dad suffered from Aspergers and in my opinion mainly it was he who suffered the most than anyone else in the family. I cannot see bringing a Sociopath and an Aspergers sufferer into the same blog as applicable. There is no comparison for me.

    • Handling It said:

      Hey Justin. You are absolutely right. Sociopaths and an Aspergers should not be put into the same category. They are polar opposites. Speaking from my own personal experience and from hearing lots of other survivor stories on narcissistic abuse recovery forums, sociopaths, including my ex, played the “It’s not my fault. I think I might have aspergers” card they do this to get away with their behaviour. So that we won’t cotton on to the truth about them. So that we feel sorry for them. My ex also told me his housemate thought he might be bi-polar. I read up on aspergers and those who suffer from it really do suffer. They have a conscience. They can be tactless at times but the one thing that stood out more than anything is that they cannot help but tell the truth. That is why they can come across as being tactless or thoughtless whereas sociopaths are pathological liars. It is cruel for sociopaths to say they have aspergers because it gives those with aspergers a bad name. I am so sorry to hear about your father Justin.

    • I hope the Italian law is allowing it to end in favor of you being with your children, Justin. I didn’t address the woman’s claim that her husband has Aspergers because it does seem out of place here. Thanks for chiming in. :)

    • My father was a narcissist/sociopath who had a devastating effect on all the kids in the family.This was a man who could be alternatively charming and abusive.He would make a point of charming the neighbors,relatives and strangers while at home he could go on to these rants and tirades and because he was high energy (or manic) these would sometimes last for days! He never apologized for any of these “crazed” attacks he made on us and I think what was or seemed worse was that our mother went along with and seemed to justify his abusive behaviors or give them a legitimacy? Strange too because she was one his main and reliable targets or victims to unleash his abuse on.Though in many ways over the years he continually tried to discredit,belittle and even destroy her but she stood by him faithful and true! This is what I still can’t understand the fact that my mom never stood up for us or for herself against this sick man, instead she just played along and looked on as we all got emotionally tortured and abused.When you’re a kid it’s very confusing when you’re being abused by one parent and the other parent doesn’t come to your aid. My mom denies any of the abuse and still insists her husband was a wonderful man.What am I missing?

    • Keith, I am sorry you lived this. What you are missing are the private threats he inflicted on her. He probably threatened to either kill her, himself or the entire family if she spoke up.

      More importantly, you missed what he did to her and her sense of self-worth before you were born. Your mother was probably like many of the women and men who find themselves with these people–highly empathic, caring and loyal. Her nature wouldn’t allow her to believe he was purely evil and no good. She wanted the man back that she fell in love with. She held out hope he would stop being angry and cruel. Your father belittled her and shamed and blamed her for every little thing that went wrong in the family. Then once the children were born, you received blame, relieving her of some of her blame. In a sense, you became her saving grace and her witnesses.

      She probably came from the mindset believing that children needed their fathers regardless of how disturbed the father was/is. These are the societal pressures she endured on top of all the pressures and shame and blame your father inflicted.

      One of the goals of this blog and blogs like it is to make women and men aware that no matter what the narc/sociopath says to you, none of it is true. You and your children are far better off without being abused and affected by these pathological types. Being without them is better than enduring them. It’s not an easy concept/realization to accept because we, as non-pathologicals with remorse and empathy and a conscience, we can’t fathom abandoning a person for being the person he can’t help but being.

      But we must save ourselves and our children. That should always be our first and only goal. Namaste!

  63. Like I said…you are in DENIAL. Please go get some therapy. Open your eyes. He is fooling you and you are laying yourself out like a lamb to slaughter. We have all been there and thats why we are here. You are truly in the depths of mental sickness right now. Punishing others and blaming others…is NOT healthy. You really should get away, get therapy and get your head clear.

    • Anonymous said:

      I’m thinking I’d like to start my own blog. Can anyone tell me how this is done? I haven’t got a clue. Is there a way to start a blog for free?

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • This blog is free through WordPress. Blogger is also a free platform through Google/gmail. :)

    • Anonymous said:

      Thank you, Paula. Now I need to figure out a title for it.

    • Let us know when you get started. I am definitely interested in learning more about your experience and journey. :)

    • Do take care with that. Even if you’re anonymous (which I’d advise), your ex-N can still find it. I’ve seen it time and again on these blogs: somehow the ex gets tipped off and starts reading it. The free blogging platforms make it hard to block problem readers, but this can be done easily if you host it yourself.

    • Anonymous said:

      Nyssa,
      Thank you for your information. I’m not certain what you mean, however. I’m creating a blog that is different than this one. My ex is free to read whatever he’d like to read. I don’t think he’d take the time, though.

    • Okay. It all depends on your own needs for the blog. :)

    • Handling It said:

      Hey Terry, whilst I agree that Victoria is very much in denial and it is far easier to punish and blame the real victim, her identity may have already been fully eroded after so many years spent with him and she may not even be aware that she is participating in the ‘gas-lighting tango’. Even the most successful and intelligent business-woman can be tricked. If her partner is more narcissistic than sociopathic, then his ultimate aim will be to completely destroy her. How long he continues to need her for ‘narcissistic supply’ in the meantime will depend on what benefits she is giving him. It may be financially beneficial, for ‘status and image’, any number of things. They all need and have a ‘main player’ (the one they go back to, the one they triangulate with other women) and it sounds as if Victoria is perfect for him, in the sense that perhaps she will always forgive, look the other way and won’t want to know about any affairs he has (and all narcissists cheat….. repeatedly…. rinse/repeat cycle). Even better for him if she can punish and abuse the other woman/women on his behalf. What I have learnt is this: It doesn’t really matter what she is (his Enabler in denial or another pathological type) she has to be considered as equally dangerous as him! Until she leaves him (if she ever does) and the fog begins to lift and she comes to the painful realisation of who he truly is, she is not going to listen to any of us. From my experience of being intimately involved with someone who most definitely would be diagnosed as a ‘Narcissistic Sociopath’ I know how easy it is when they love-bomb you and how they keep you walking on egg-shells at the same time (the constant mean/sweet cycle) and I know how difficult it is to think clearly and to see anything but good in the man. That being said, I am an Empath and I am 90% sure that if I was in Victoria’s shoes, I would not have participated in harming the ‘homewrecker’ further by running to the police and threatening her and hacking into her facebook account. I just can’t see myself doing that, despite the fact that my identity was also eroded and all that mattered was him. She does indeed sound like his Enabler and these types make a formidable team. They are non-negotiating and unreasonable. They will hack your account (facebook for instance) stalk, harass, coerce, threaten, bully, create smear campaigns and use the authorities such as the police (to keep the victim silent)…… so my advice to any victim/survivor is to document everything, keep all evidence and go ‘No Contact’. I think we’ve all made the mistake of trying to get answers and closure and some of us, like myself, have realised that doesn’t work. All you end up with are threats with legal action. They will accuse you (the real victim) of the very things they are doing (harassment/stalking etc) and they will push and push and push with the intention (the ultimate goal) of destroying you further. Never feed a crocodile (or two). Not sure how to do a smiley face on here, but have a lovely day x

    • Thank you, Handling It. I too know what it’s like to be accused of abuse just for seeking answers. I know what it’s like to keep asking and asking to the point of losing my mind because answers never come. These types of people (narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths) eventually destroy the logical and healthy-wired minds of everyone they come into contact. I am extremely relieved to finally see the destruction can be mended but, as you note, takes first starting with no contact and then letting go of ever getting the answers you deserve. Once we do that, we free our minds to discover our peace. Namaste! :)

    • I can’t delete another commenter’s comment, but I will remove the reference to your name. :)

    • Handling It said:

      Hey Paula, yes to be accused of abuse (from the abuser) just for seeking answers is mind-blowing, as is losing your mind because answers never come. It’s debilitating and I think that’s why so many of us suffer from PTSD afterwards. We’re left in such a confused state of mind! At first, we only know we don’t feel right. Our minds are full of conflicting thoughts. We want and need answers to try and make sense of it all. So that we can move on with our lives. So that we can stop feeling so unwell. PTSD, as you know yourself, is excruciatingly painful, both psychologically and physically. Some don’t survive. They commit suicide or have heart attacks and even when we do somehow survive, the brain can take a long time to heal itself because it’s been so traumatised. It can take even longer to heal if you are having to deal with legal threats and stalking etc long after the narcissist/sociopath/psychopath has gone from your life and I think that’s one of the reasons as to why our anger is so delayed. You’re so right…. narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths do eventually destroy the logical and healthy-wired minds of everyone they come into contact with. We will never get the answers we deserve (and we DO deserve answers) but what we deserve more than anything, is to lead a normal and healthy life, free from drama, chaos and toxicity. High-conflict types, such as narcissists and sociopaths and other controlling types are not allowed in my world now. I had no idea, as with yourself and many other survivors, that’s what they were – ‘high conflict’ and ‘disordered’ and now that I do know (because I have started to create healthy boundaries and I listen to my intuition a lot more and can see the red flags) I am on to a better and healthier life. Takes time, it’s not easy, the transformation of ‘Self’ means looking inwards at your own past behaviour too, but the ultimate reward will be well worth the road travelled. Namaste Paula :)

  64. Paula yes you’re right. As an abuser she will not listen or change. We shall let our lawyer deal with this. Or the police as she really needs to be formally cautioned. Harassment and smearing us is a criminal offence as she will soon find out. Thanks for the tip and we will ignore her and let the police and lawyers deal with her.

    • Victoria,

      Aspergers ,,,really..I am sorry I have been there where you are defending the narcissist, to him it is always someone elses fault…whose fault was it that he allowed himself to be seduced for 4 yrs…a bit much. As Paula, Anon, and Terri said your eyes will be opened eventually and you will see you have just wasted your time. I is so hard to believe, but it is true and it will be true. He is the problem, not you , not the other person(though her morals need some adjusting). He lies, like my ex and believes the lies which leads others to believe. Please listen to people on this site..they know what they are talking about.

    • Jumping in on this one! Ruth – I agree with everything you wrote except for one thing. I do not believe that the other woman’s morals need some adjusting in the sense that we do not have her to tell us HER side of the story. Sorry but you may have inadvertently given Victoria more ammunition to punish this woman by saying that. If she is anything like my ex’s enabler she will jump on that and see it as FACT. It is clear from all of Victoria’s comments that she ignores anything REAL and only continues to comment on what is beneficial for HER….. but who is it ultimately beneficial for? HIM. It’s all for HIM (he who wishes to remain in the shadows). No doubt Victoria would have been rewarded greatly for punishing this poor woman (flattery, grooming, gifts etc) whilst he sits back and can play the poor victim role. It is nothing more than ‘abuse by proxy’. Sorry if this sounds really angry but I needed to vent as I have been in a very similar situation to the other woman. She was the 3rd player in the ‘triangulation’ just as I was. That much is clear. We don’t know this other woman and I for one do not wish to label her as someone whose morals need adjusting. We do not know the full facts! Sorry….. really needed to vent that one.

    • Your right Gail,,,I thought about that as I wrote..it , but not enough. I know the feeling to blame the other woman if she was not in the dark (which I have witnessed). But in this instance true all we know is that he obviously fooled her also, and for all we know she knew nothing of his relationship with Victoria. Sorry I did not write that to have Victoria..keep going on the same path, but just wanted to wake her up to the facts everyone is trying to help her with. I guess my old hurts may have shown by being judgemental of the other woman. Thanks for setting me straight…please read this Victoria ..and only look at your husband he is not an innocent, forget about this other woman, which there are probably many more.and help yourself.

  65. I haven’t followed EVERY posts but I HAVE to respond to this anonymous person with the cheating husband who supposedly has “Aspergers”. Everything you are saying…the way you are acting…is EXACTLY what a “source” of a Narcissist would do. Defend them,make excuses for them….hunny…you are in DENIAL and one day you will finally see and feel like such a fool. I wish you luck…you’re going to need it.

    • I am only defending him because he, not she, is the victim. she abused him and we need her punished. He has been honest with me and told me he has aspergers but was too ashamed to tell me. I believe him. He made a mistake by allowing this home-wrecker back for coffee and that is where she seduced him and she continued for the next 4 years. He thought he was in love with her but then she started to get weird and crazy and he found it hard to end it. I think she might have bi-polar or manic depression on top of being a sociopath and that is why she is ‘slurring’ us.

    • Victoria.. I have been married for four years. With my husband for six. I am very strong , independent , and definitely was very cautious when dating as I had a child. My husband pegged his ex as this crazy woman that was married before him , divorced because of craziness, dirty, lazy, alcoholic,etc. I believed him because her actions towards me seem to support his ideas and thoughts of her. The way he treated me was unreal. All my friends were jealous of the wonderful.man I had met. I ended up getting pregnant. One week before I had my daughter, I found out he had cheated on me with not only his ex( telling her he wish he wouldn’t have screwed up and still loved her.), but another chic. He swore they were lying and just jealous and then proposed by that Christmas eve. One year after marriage ” it ” started. He didn’t like my family .didn’t like my friends. Would rip on strangers. Would constantly accuse me of cheating, even when he knew I d be at work. He lashes out every three months causing a lot of emotional stress on me and my two children. Fortunately for his two, the live with their mom. Currently I am stuck dealing with this abuse every three months and it gets worse every time. The kids could say something and he will turn it into something bad towards me and embellish everything. I found out the entire person I thought I knew, dated and married is a lie. His past with wife, his interests, parenting, all of it lies. He lies to family about our situation and makes me look crazy just like ex. And they believe him because there is no one else in our house but kids to witness. My parents have heard him speak to me and have seen his actions as well as housed me and my two kids in terrible days, including today, please.. they are what they are because they are good at making you believe what they are saying. I am trying to get out before I go insane but he threatens to hurt himself or lie and take my kids..its bad.. and as bergers?.. his son has.. totally different. You just don’t see the evil until too late.

  66. Anonymous, my partner is not a coward. he has aspergers and he says things he doesn’t mean sometimes. it’s not his fault. this woman seduced him and manipulated him and that is a fact. We have moved on with our lives and we are very happy. We only want to have this woman punished before she tells lies about us on her blog. I have just threatened her again with the police but she doesn’t reply. giving us the silent treatment is typical of sociopaths or narcissists. There is no point in replying or posting any more comments on here as we are not being believed except by one person. we were looking for compassion not criticism. Victoria.

    • Victoria, It’s difficult to be compassionate. You are asking to support you by helping you to “punish” this woman. Most people who come to this blog seek help with understanding and moving past the pain. They don’t ask for help to smear and punish their abuser. It’s generally pointless because abusers never learn. So regardless who the abuser is in your case, seeking others to help punish another simply perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Ignore this woman. If what she says is truly all lies, you have nothing to worry about.

  67. To anonymous, I don’t need to give the home-wrecker an opportunity to be heard. I have heard enough. We just want to move on with our lives and we want her to disappear. that includes not spreading malicious lies. it is harassment. telling me about the affair in the first place was harassment. I told her I didn’t want to know about it and to just move on with her life and for revenge she has been emailing my partner who is the victim and telling him he’s a narcissist and sociopath. I act as the go-between because he needs help in getting rid of this woman. She is sneaky too. She handed in emails and texts to the police and she managed to clear her name from the harassment case. God knows what she told them but next time she won’t be as lucky because the letter she receives will be from our lawyer. We are now thinking she probably has a bad past because she is an alcoholic and a drug user. It’s very sad for her but she can’t go ruining our lives. Thank you to the other ‘anonymous’ who agreed with us, that she won’t be believed and for us to hold our heads up high.

    • Anonymous said:

      Victoria,
      If you want to move on, you should not be on this site. She has a right to her own opinion, and to deal with her own hurt as she sees fit. Your partner is not a victim…sorry. He was obviously an enthusiastic participant in deceiving you if she was in your home having sex with him….unless of course she broke in and raped him. You need to be honest with yourself. Did you ask your partner to see his Facebook account? My guess is either you didn’t, or he told you that you were being paranoid, which is typical of the type of man you are describing.

      She was not harassing you by telling you of the affair. If she honestly believed he loved her she was likely heartbroken. People with broken hearts sometimes do rash things.

      If you are “prominent members of the community” you must have enough money to let your lawyer deal with her. If indeed she is harassing you, let him/her do their job and let your pretty little head rest.

      Everything you have put in your posts leads me to believe that she is the one who has been abused, and harassed. Leave her alone. You have no right to be trying to contact her, and you certainly have no right to be hacking into her Facebook.

      I would love to know what your partner has to say about all this. If he is anything like my ex, he is too cowardly to deal with it, preferring to talk behind people’s backs rather than facing them himself. This is typical of a narcissist.

      Take care Victoria. I do honestly believe you are being used and manipulated by your partner.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

  68. Nope. I don’t think you’re going to get much sympathy from anyone who’s had to deal with a narcissistic sociopath. All this emphasis on your rank, status,… The Facebook hacking… I fail to see how this woman telling the world she had an affair with your husband is going to bring down your house of cards. If she’s the nutcase, those around you will soon realise it and pay her little attention. Stop the drama, hold your head up, act with integrity, and move on with your life.

  69. Hi Paula, I can tell you now that ‘that woman’ has not been emotionally abused. It is us who have been abused. I am not acting as a go between. We are partners and he is severely depressed with all her accusations. I have given her closure – so why does she need it again from my partner? We have nothing to fear Paula, we just don’t want this woman to ruin our lives by telling lies about him. How do you know she is not narcissistic or bi-polar? You don’t know her. and she must be because she has all the traits you list. I am not in denial. We just want to carry on with the rest of our lives. Anything we say to her, she just doesn’t listen. She doesn’t even bother to reply now and she has changed her phone number. But we know she is working on her blog and she has joined a community called Psychopath Free and then we did and she is saying such awful lies about what happened to her. It is so awful. She is saying she believed it wasn’t an affair and that he lead her to believe they would be together. She is a liar. A clear cut sociopath.

    • Anonymous said:

      Victoria,
      I do believe you are being abused….like “her.”

      If there is no truth to what she is saying, and you are indeed pillars of the community, you have nothing to be concerned about. Just go about your business and she will eventually go away.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • Anonymous said:

      Victoria,
      You say she doesn’t respond and has changed her number. I thought you said in a previous post that her communication was unsolicited. Seems to me that you are the ones trying to communicate while she is trying to recover from what has probably been a very emotionally difficult event for her.

      Your posts are inconsistent. For a “professional” you don’t state your case very effectively.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • She’s saying lies about what happened to her? How do you know they are lies? I’m sorry, but you have been put in the middle of something and have been fed a lot of lies yourself, Victoria. I can’t help you harm someone who clearly sounds like she is the one who has been tormented. You say she is all those things on this list? How do you know? You aren’t the one who was in an intimate relationship with her. You are taking another person’s word. I do not value third-party opinions of others. They’re about as helpful as a therapist’s diagnosis. Why can’t the man who had this affair, this relationship with this woman, speak for himself?

    • Victoria,
      I have been following this entire blog for over a year as a part of my own healing process and I have never felt the need to step in and feel like I am defending myself by defending someone else until now.

      I would only guess that if I were to have the guts to ask my ex (sociopath) for answers that his wife would respond just as you are. Luckily I learned about sociopaths from a therapist and have chosen to look to myself and blogs like this for healing rather than ask him for answers.

      As a back story, my ex-boyfriend and I both work in law enforcement. He came on to me and we quickly grew to be best friends. He led me to think he was in an unhappy relationship and eventually convinced me he had left his girlfriend. We were in a relationship for seven months. We went to social functions together, vacations together and I was madly in love with me. He was everything I wanted and more. This was prior to me finding out he was not only still seeing his ex still but he was engaged! I was convinced 100% through the relationship he wasn’t living with her or even seeing her yet all along I was wrong. As part of my job, people lie to me everyday, but this man was an absolute pro and it makes me sick to even think about! He told me he was madly in love with me and we were going to start a family together. He even asked me to move in but I declined thinking he was moving too fast. When I caught him “cheating” on me, I broke it off. Less than three weeks later he was married. I ended up telling his wife about us in a very straight forward classy way and vowed to not get involved if she still wanted to be with him. She decided to stay and I truly believe she is an enabler. He will find another victim and cheat on her again yet make someone else feel they are the world to him at the same time. The truth is, I was not the “home-wrecker” but neither was she. We were both victims but I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way and never will. I feel sorry for her and over a year later, I am still trying to desperately heal and convince myself not everyone is going to treat me the same way.

      Take a step back and look at the big picture. Anyone in a healthy loving relationship wouldn’t even be stuck in this predicament. I hope the best for you but your situation sounds eerily familiar to the “other-woman” and wife in mine. I hope you see the light and understand how people like me become involved. Thank you.

    • Anonymous said:

      OMG Victoria. I start feeling panicked the more I read from you, definetly anxious. It’s so scary that your not seeing what’s going on right in front you. You want to see the good in your partner. That’s a great thing. You want to feel secure with your partner, like your a team, an unstoppable force -the two of you taking on the world, there for each other. You don’t want to the truth. Actually deep deep down you know the truth. You know something’s amiss, off in your relationship, or you wouldn’t have ended up here on this blog. I’ve called my ‘partners’ sexual flings and texted them as well. First time I found out about it I was angry at the ‘other’ one my partner cheated on me with. But by the time I got around to picking up the phone and making contact with him, I had forgiven him. He didn’t know i existed. He didn’t know that he was he was a party to a cheater. He had angry words with my partner off and on for a few days after that, but he longer has anything to do with him. However my partner just moved on to the next ‘trick’ he could fool. I didn’t want to believe any of this. Its so shocking that someone, anyone, let alone the person you love and you thought loved you equally back could do this to you. It’s taken quite a bit of time and I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but Im beginning to see some light at the edge in a clearing up ahead. And it’s beginning to feel like there is hope again. I’ve been lied to. Manipulated. Arrested and put in jail for 3 1/2 days on a domestic violence charge (I was released with no record no court appearance or anything because there was no evidence). He lied to the police to get rid of me for a few days so that he could have a ‘trick’ over to get together with. But look. Stupid me, I came back yet again after the temporary restraining order expired. I’ve got severe problems of my own now, because of too much time with him. I was pretty well adjusted and my life was looking up,
      Going back to school and new car and eating healthy and all that, until I met my partner. My life had been turned upside down. Car repossessed lost my job tried killing myself ending up in psych ward for 3 day stay. I’ve been kicked out of his place 10 times at least and same # of times broken up with by him. Yet here I am still But like I said I’m beginning to care less and less about him and what he does or doesn’t do. It’s been hard to get to this point from all the brainwashing he was doing to me, playing on my trusting emphatic nature. But also taking advantage of my co-depency issues I never quite realized I had going on, in a minor way even before I met him. If you’ve really moved on and she’s changed her number, then she is TRYING to move on herself. Her words nor anyone else’s words can bring down you and your partner. Words can’t bring down institutions built on good strong healthy secure foundations. Only ones with vulnerabilities. Sincerely I hope you can wake up before its too late. But your really convincing sounding yourself. It might already be too late. And if so, I’m so sorry and sad for you. You were and still are a little girl, innocent and taken advantage of by a monster.

  70. Hello ‘anonymous’. I am not devaluing you and we have a cleaner ourselves. I am merely pointing out that we are very respected in the community and we have many, many important connections and we cannot have our reputations ruined because of this home-wrecker. She came into our home for sex! She has the audacity to say she is not the one to blame but isn’t coming into OUR home for sex cheating on me? Yes it is! I feel as though you are blaming us not her. As for the silent treatment it was the police who told us to give her the silent treatment when we opened a case of harassment against her for unwanted communication. I did NOT want to know about any of it. My partner has apologised and from the way she has been acting since (he forwards on her emails to me to prove how mad she is) I feel really sorry for him. We have been together for 14 years and he hasn’t cheated on me before and he is friends with all of his exes on facebook so what does that tell you? If he was a narcissist or sociopath as she is trying to make out then why are all his exes still friends with him? I rest my case. We think my partner might have aspergers. Victoria

    • Anonymous said:

      Victoria,

      You are living in denial. He had the affair with her. You do not need to be concerned about her, you need to be concerned about him. And, I would want to have the password to his Facebook if I were you. Why are all his exes on his Facebook? I am sorry to have to say this to you, but it is the truth. You need to start facing the fact of who your partner is. She is not the problem…he is.
      Hack his Facebook and I would not be surprised if you discover his exes are not really his exes after-all. Ask for his password and see what he says.

      I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath

    • jollyjones58 said:

      Victoria, A better question to ask yourself is Why is your partner still communicating with this woman and all his ex’s on Face Book? If he allows these women to remain friends with him on Face Book and continues to remain his victim stance, the game in which you and he and this other woman is going to continue. You are choosing to be a player as he is too, in this dramatic sitcom. If I did not know better, I would say that you and he and she and any other person caught up in this ridiculous tale were in high school and you and he were nominated for Prom king and Prom Queen.
      Your prominent status among your community is really just your way of stating that you and he are the leaders of your school’s “popular crowd”. Your head cheerleader and he is the starring quarterback with a bright future at a prestigious university on scholarship. You both come from money not to mention dysfunctional homes that reek with layers of alcoholism, addiction, abuse and denial. Both your parents including his, are the products of long lines of family dysfunctions and “dirty little secrets” by which you and he received front line training by default. This other woman “the home wrecker” is merely just another school mate, probably from a different lower social ranking group of school peers who is not from a wealthy family, is not on the cheer-leading squad, and doesn’t carry a two thousand dollar PRADA bag to school like I am sure you and your highly persuasive social-lite BFF’s carry. She may have come into your house (your relationship) for sex with your boyfriend (at his parents house) while you were at cheerleader practice one afternoon but think about it; She didn’t show up uninvited. And she have to break the front door down to get inside either. Mr. Quarterback opened that door that afternoon and showed her the way to the bedroom (most likely his parents bedroom while they were away on vacation somewhere sunny and warm). His guilt and his reputation (more likely his inability to keep his mouth shut among his locker room buddies) caught up to him and scared the shit out him when his secret little afternoon fling with the girl from the wrong side of the tracks presented itself by way teenage gossip, threatening his pop status at school, is relationship with you, Miss Prom Queen, and his promise to throw the pig skin in the pro’s. So he confessed his sinful encounter to you right after he fell to your feet, begging for forgiveness. Promising to never step out on you again, you both signed a contract in blood (Glitter Gel Pen) and vowed to make certain that the rest of the world (your high school, surrounding high schools, and your Facebook entourage) would never find out. And so, you and he are now hell-bent on keeping the focus off of you and he (at least until Prom Night has come and gone) and have made it a full time job, keeping all the negative focus on this other woman, making her out to be the abuser. Get real! Hand your boyfriend back the Dixie cup you keep his balls in, settle on that dress for that upcoming prom you and he just might be crowned at, and leave that other poor girl alone! If I am wrong and you are not a high school student with an intense obsession with your reputation at your school and a VIP Facebook page as your main line of communication in your prominent social circle; then let me say my apologies to you now, in advance. “I was miss-taken.”

  71. Hi Paula, we like your photocopied letter sent by your ex’s lawyer. This is the type of letter we need sending to the ‘home-wrecker’. She has called my partner a Sociopath as well as a Narcissist and called me his Enabler. So I think we need to have her cautioned by the police and hire a top lawyer to stop her harassment. We found out she is going to create a blog site and she has to be stopped. She cannot get away with trying to destroy our lives. We are prominent members of a high-ranking community and although we have held a meeting with neighbours and family and friends and told them she is a narcissist and a home-wrecker, we cannot allow her to destroy our lives. We are both highly professional career people and all we want to do is carry on with our lives. Why can’t narcissists just get on with their lives? She mentioned something about not having closure and being given the silent treatment and that is abuse. Can you see what we are up against here? I told her she will never get closure because she is a narcissist and to stop this talk about abuse but now we heard she is going to create a blog about her abuse. She told my partner he tried to destroy her life and she had ptsd but she is the one destroying our lives if she creates a blog. You haven’t written back to us yet and we are waiting for your reply please. Thanks. Victoria

    • Anonymous said:

      Hi Victoria,
      I find your letter unclear. How can she destroy your lives if you are “prominent members of a high-ranking community?” There has to be more to the story. I’m dealing with a “prominent member of a community” who happens to be my ex, and have determined he is a narcissist and a sociopath because of the ways in which he deals with our children, enabling my son to continue using drugs by overly assisting him financially, etc. To those around, I could be the “home-wrecker” you describe, when in actual fact, what I am now beginning to say finally, is a fact. You might want to consider looking inward and see whether there is any validity to what she says.
      Just my opinion, being in the “home-wreckers” shoes.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissist.

    • Victoria,

      You are not going to like this response.

      First of all, the “cease and desist” letter I shared was FROM the sociopath’s lawyer TO me. Just to be clear, I don’t go through lawyers when I have something I can say for myself and in defense of myself. What is the purpose unless I am trying to hide something.

      I received this comment from you and the two emails you sent to me. I responded. You obviously either did not receive my response or you are in denial.

      The woman you describe is not narcissistic or bi-polar (as you mentioned in one of your emails). Her behavior is very typical of a person who has been emotionally abused.

      My advice to you is to stop being the go-between and stop thinking this other woman is the problem.

      Start asking your partner why he cheated, why he lied and why he can’t simply acknowledge this woman and her questions.

      He’s a big boy. Why is he using you and making you solve his problem? He should be able to handle it himself. All he’s doing to you is forcing you to take sides and judge a woman you don’t even know.

      The affair is over. What is it that you fear now? Or is he fearing the truth?

      I am sorry but I think you’ve been placed in a very unfair position.

      ~Paula

    • Anonymous said:

      Paula,
      I agree with you 100%! My ex does the same thing. He will never respond to my questions, even when they are involving our children (should the two parents not be discussing issues involving their children?). He always has his new wife contact me, or one of the children, to tell me what he has told them to say. It is unfair, and more clearly demonstrates to me his character, and reinforces my opinion of who he is…and helps me to heal.

      Thanks for being the voice of reason.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • Anonymous said:

      For some reason your posts get under my skin, Victoria. They sound exactly like something my ex’s wife would say. First of all, saying you are “professionals” as though that is a license to devalue others who are not “professionals” is indicative of narcissistic behaviour. We are all equal, whether lawyers, or house cleaners (as I am) and deserve the same level of respect and courtesy from others.

      Secondly, you mention silent treatment. If that silent treatment is given from both yourselves, and this woman’s children, it certainly could be deemed as abusive. Everyone deserves to have their voice heard, and just because you feel you are “a prominent member of society” does not mean you are allowed to ignore the needs and opinions of others. Truthfully, the only people who even care about another’s “prominence in society” are others who are equally as shallow as yourselves.

      I’m venting here a bit. It’s just that your arrogance shines through in your posts. You might want to consider asking the “home-wrecker” what it is she is looking for. In my case, all I would like is to see my children and grandchildren from time to time. Maybe she is only wishing to have her voice heard. If you give her the opportunity to be heard, you might find she displays fewer of the negative traits you ascribe to her in your posts.

      Hopefully this gives you some food for thought.

      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

  72. I just come to realization I am living with a narrcisstic sociopath. My once good life is in shambles and seems there is nothing that can help it. How do you escape? Is there an exit from this Hell I’m living in? PLEASE HELP…PLEASE!

  73. Thank you for your reply Paula …and I will be getting your book…do you have it barnes & noble to download on a nook?

    Also to nmail: yes I would record him and his rants in front of him or without him knowing ..but playing it back didn’t matter ..he always erased them …no evidence. Sad…happy not to be there any more.

    • Thank you, Ruth, my book is available in all e-book formats. Here is the link to the B&N page for a Nook download: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/escaping-the-boy-paula-carrasquillo/1112714539?ean=9781479706099.

      I honestly had to delete everything my ex sent to me after a while, from the sweet hoovering e-mails and cards to the nasty and means text accusing me of so many things. His energy was not necessary in my life and simply hindered me from moving forward. But once I started putting two-and-two together about what he was, I sent him texts and e-mails demanding answers. Not a good idea. All he did was hire a lawyer to try to get me to stop harassing him!! The irony was not lost on me when I received that cease and desist letter. :)

  74. I am studying psychology..in a master’s program to become a MFT, I may go on to attain a doctorate..in which I will write on this subject..since I have lived with it also, though I do not anymore. Amazing…I knew his mom was a nar, but as i wasted 17 yrs …I found that he was too…You described everything perfectly and these people are poison or evil, they may be able to be helped if not a sociopath…though some certainly are. There is no fiction here. Thanks for the insight~~

    • Thank you, Ruth. It’s nearly too incredible for many to imagine that people like this really exist. It’s not easy to accept unless you’ve experienced one or a few first-hand. :)

  75. There of course is a possibility that it could be your partner. My ex believes that he never hit me pulled my hair put me through a cooker glass oven door or hit his daughter even though he hit his daughter and most of the stuff he did to me was in front of the children. Mine also controlled me going out by telling me we had no extra income and we were broke every month. be careful in case its not the person you first think it is. My ex is probably telling the new women in his life that im the crazy one. I know the truth and so do the children
    Take care. Sue.

  76. Caroline said:

    Wow, you describe my mother to a T! She and most of her sisters. Some of my cousins (all females) and unfortunately to a extent my oldest daughter. It’s strange to say but all the female sociopaths on my mom’s family literally gave this weird evil smile or demeanour. It seems that sociopathic tendencies are on my mother’s side of the family. My mother loves getting sympathy and feels this weird superiority when she feels she’s attained it either through guilt or illness-pretend illness. She married my father whom I assume had Asperger’s. Who better to marry than someone who will never question what you say or do… He was a “dimwit” when it came to caring about his only child. He didn’t give a care, he allowed her to make all the decisions without question. My father only wanted a quiet life without bother or drama. She was a narcasistic sociopath! All her so called friend’s were refered to by their first and last names each time they were spoken of as if they were mini gods walking the earth. My friend’s often made fun of this when they heard of her friends spoken of countless times by their first and last names. I also never saw her friend’s come to our house, not once. They were like pretend friends. Also she never went anywhere without my father which was to the grocery store or church . Her one and only interest was prayer which she did from early morning till late at night. Growing up with it I knew no different. She took me from doctor to doctor in my pre-teens telling them I was depressed till she found the right doctor to drug me. Once she got permission from the “right quack”, she got him to prescribe me with a grocery bag of pills and vitamins-I was 12 at the time. If I had been depressed which I don’t remember till my teenage years-due to what I suspect was the affects of all the meds I was on, it’s no wonder. My mother loved sympathy so if she could say or whisper her daughter was sick that was her feelings of enjoyment and superiority. We were somewhat poor – my father was often unemployed when i was a child. He was an angry and depressed individual his whole life. We went no where ever and all my parents spent their money on was booze and smokes. I suspect having Asperger’s like my father or something like it I was a robot just doing what she wanted. I took the pills the doctor said to take right into my twenties. I started having seizures and panic attacks for about in my twenties for roughly 5 yrs. In the end I couldn’t work as the seizures were often all day off and on with migraines. I didn’t get off the thyroid meds till a kind doctor in my twenties said he didn’t think I had a thyroid problem and took me off the pills. All at once the seizures and migraines slowed down till they stopped months later when I completely was removed from the meds. It took a while to get off them as they take you off them gradually to avoid side effects.
    Looking back my parents never once took their only child to a movie, or got me involved in extracaricular activities or sports. They refused to buy me a pet. I grew up lonely and bored. Everything they bought me was second hand. They spent all their cash on booze and cigs.

    I got molested by an old man near my house one summer when I was 9, cause they both ignored me so much. My mother was a stay at home mom but was always too busy for me. she wouldn’t leave the house and was always agitated. When I told them i was molested- in the words of a nine yr old they refused to call the police on this stranger because they or she felt I would embarrass my self. They made light of the whole thing. Realistically they would have had to explain to police why they allowed their 9 yr old daughter to visit a man every day during the summer months who they didn’t know, didn’t investigate. It would have been problemstic to my mother who liked to come off as “perfect” My molestation was never addressed and has never been addressed.

    I must remember to be thankful to god that although I may have Asperger’s like my father. It could be worse. I could be a destructive sociopath like my mother. I could be abusive to my children like she was to me! I adore my kids and would give my life for them. i might be a bit overprotective but they’ve rarely gotten injured and have seen countless movies, they have two dogs, a cat, new everything and seem happy. Our son has been diagnosed with mild autism. He and his younger sister are best friends. i also should be great full that I was an only child. If I had a sybling- they may have been sociopathic and that would have been a nightmare. Although life has been rough there are things to be thankful for.
    My husband refers to my mother and her sisters as, “The Witches of Eastwick”! It’s a pretty accurate description of them all.
    When I see young guys in gangs I often wonder that they have no idea what being tough is. Of course I say that with humour. I don’t think my life was the worst but still Growing up a Catholic alcoholic that brought me up on depression and guilt! Guilt being the biggest issue. Waking up every morning and going through the previous days, weeks events to ensure I didn’t do something bad or wrong in “her” eyes was so freaking stressful.

    I realize that I can recognize sociopaths but I’d be stupid to think I can beat them at their own game. I have a respectful fear of them. I know I can never get back at my mother or the other’s out there. All I can safely do is educate my children about them and teach them to stay out of their destructive path. Besides you can never get back at a sociopath they will try to blame every one else but themselves. As for my mother. She has no contact with myself or my children. They decided long ago they didn’t want a relationship with her. My father died a few years back – I didn’t even attend his funeral and now I only communicate with her through letters. Very simple polite, hope all is well letters. She is alone and will die that way. Retributions a bitch baby… ;)

  77. victoria said:

    My partner was seduced by a narcissist but she’s saying it’s my partner who is the narcissist. She wrote and told me she’d been seeing him for 4 years behind my back and he told her I was only his house-mate and she was telling me because she had googled pathological lying and thought I should know because I’m a victim too and she had been suffering from ptsd. I told her I didn’t want to know about it and to go away. Yes he did go on holiday with her abroad for 2 weeks but she begged him to book it and she manipulated him. Now she is saying on facebook (unfortunately we hacked in to her account because we wanted to know what she is saying about us) that my partner is a narcissistic sociopath. She is very jealous of us I think because we live in a big house and we have everything she could only dream of. We had to report her to the police because she is obviously bitter that the affair ended and my partner told me she was so crazy he couldn’t get rid of her and played along because he was scared of her at times and she was harassing him via email asking why he had lied so much. she also made accusations that he made up stories about me and my family and our friends so she is clearly narcissistic and we really don’t know why she is ‘slurring’ us. I have never met the woman and now she is saying she has cleared her name with the police and we are to stop stalking her. she hides behind her anonymity and continues to bad mouth us on facebook and we have emailed her to tell her to stop or the police will find her and we will press charges. but she’s crazy and continues to tell my partner (who forwards on her emails to me) that he abused her and if we don’t stop stalking her on facebook and searching for her address then she will expose him. How do we get rid of this woman? and she’s saying we created a smear campaign against her with the police and my partner is giving her the silent treatment. we told her it was the police who told us to give her the silent treatment but she doesn’t listen. I emailed her and told her at our request she isn’t being cautioned but telling me about the affair is harassment. she just doesn’t listen. we don’t know what to do. we are both professionals and hold very high jobs and we cannot have this woman ruin our reputations!

    • Anonymous said:

      Victoria,
      With all due respect, if your husband has been having an affair with his ex, how is that her fault? I think maybe you need to look into your husband’s character traits instead of putting the blame on her. Maybe she was simply trying to alert you to what was going on?

      Anonymous

    • Thank you, anonymous. I wrote to Victoria a couple of days ago giving her a similar suggestion. I fear she didn’t receive it or is still being highly influenced by her “partner” who seems to be hiding something.

    • Anonymous said:

      Victoria,
      I do believe it is an invasion of privacy to hack into someone else’s Facebook (and likely illegal). I think this woman has a right to share her thoughts and feelings with others, without you and your partner reading…don’t you?
      Signed,
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

  78. First of all I want to thank you Paula for this excellent article. I admire your courage for writing a book about your experiences, too. It can be cathartic but it can also be extremely painful to revisit such hideous times in your life.

    Second of all, this is going to be an essay which I’m sure will expend most people’s patience, but I am going to write it anyway. I’ve been interested in personality disorders for years, after falling foul of not one but a handful of those described above, two of whom virtually destroyed my life and one who near drove me to suicide because he managed to convince me that my life wasn’t worth living. I was abused as a child and grew up with no self confidence and a skewed view of friendship and romantic relationships; this must have set an unconscious precedent for becoming a submissive person who would accept anyone and let them belittle and abuse me, which is why I never sought to escape those destructive relationships until it was almost too late.

    I read a comment somewhere here that the victim’s email account was hacked by their abuser; the same happened to me with one of the miscrients I dated. Not only did this person hack my email, but my facebook, stealing private photos (which I had taken as a JOKE, parodying the type of people who take sexy snaps and make that Godawful duckface expression) and uploading them onto an adult sight using my real details. I managed to get the profile removed had to change my number, email address, and move home. One of the others, who I met in an online forum for a real life community, was simply content to ruin my life online and get me barred from the forum and the community’s haunts. The others did similarly dispicable things.

    But I was easy prey. I can understand why this happened to me. I am in the playground emotionally; I wear my heart on my sleeve and I retain that devastating naivety and gullibility that allows people to exploit me. I have only learnt this about myself through such horrendous mishaps.

    Now, although narcissistics, sociopaths, psycopaths and all combinations therein pray heavily on the weak, they often seek a challenge. A dear friend of mine, someone I can truly call a friend, also lost close to everything after a business venture with a woman I believe to be a malignant narcissist. My friend was a strong woman, successful in business and with a supportive family and many friends. Two years after meeting this inhuman specimen she has had to resign from her position and find a new less succesful one, due to the woman turning virtually everyone at the business against her, a number of her friends have deserted her, and she is extremely paranoid. Such is the power of these scum, they can destroy even the strongest if they choose to stick at it.

    The scumbag went on to steal my friend’s business, rise to the top, fire anyone who dared oppose her even for the slightest thing, and eventually run the business into the ground. Everyone who used to work there has suffered grand misfortune on account of her. The last thing anyone heard, she had simply moved to another part of the country and started all over again. One of the ex employees did some digging and found a catalogue of disaster linked to this scumbag woman’s name. No-one has any clue how she managed to evade prosecution because her misdemenors are all out there in the open and she even brags about some of them (the sexual ones, in lurid detail) in her very public blog. Some of them are prosecutable by law. This is why I believe her to be a malignant narcissist as opposed to a sociopath; she lacks the intelligence and foresight to be a true sociopath, and she is obsessed with being the center of attention, often using grandiose means to achieve it. It baffles us how she does it, yet at the same time it doesn’t because like all manipulative people she accells at ingratiating herself with those in positions of power even if only temporarily.

    There isn’t a point to any of this other than to share my story. I hope that by reading this people will see the stereotypes of these personality disorders reinforced, and that it can happen to anyone even the strongest of us. But we can recover. It’s tough and it takes time but it is possible. We can also, hopefully, recognize these traits in new people we meet, and learn to avoid associating with them if at all possible. If it wasn’t for my mishaps I would not have sought to educate myself on personality disorders, and then who knows where I would be now. The cloud does have a silver lining somewhere.

  79. Paula, please advise your reader she has a clear case of parental alienation going on. My daughter’s successful businessman (and wealthy) husband did the same to her. She should read everything she can find on PA, including Divorce Poison, no matter how long she has been divorced. It will help her understand what has happened and how to react or NOT react so she can reunite one day. Also, there are a couple of very private facebook groups that she can join to get info and comfort from other alienated parents. You have to join them and no one can see your posts or others except other members. One is “Searching Higher Ground”. She needs the advice and comfort of knowing she is not alone.

  80. Thank you Paula for your response, it is greatly appreciated!

  81. Anonymous said:

    Ok, so, married fifteen yrs to a guy who is still to this day is a porn freak, controlling, angry person who goes up to thekids and spanks them, grabs at them for no valid reason, this behavioruproots them andno matter how many times i ask him to quit he wont..he has a “friend, laura” who hes known since teenage days who he did something to her and feels obligated tothis day to be there for her.. i am tired of being his second wife..he knows it but wont give her up…what do i do? I am emotionally verbally scarred from him..i wouldntbe hereif therewerent kids..i am at a loss..i cant control his two yr oldbehavior.. feel stuck

    • You should leave BECAUSE of the children. Children do not need both parents if one is pathological. One sick parent renders the healthy parent useless. Your children will be the biggest losers in this situation if you don’t leave.

      I recommend that you start planning. Go to the Domestic Violence Hotline page and review the section “Get Help” and find a trusted friend or relative to share your plans who will NOT share them with him. http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/

      I would also recommend reading about PTSD and abuse in children. That might also convince you to make a move.

      And ask yourself how you could really love someone who has treated you and your children like dirt. What keeps you there outside of the children? Be honest with yourself when you answer yourself. More than likely you love the man you THOUGHT he was not the man he is. XOXO

  82. Hi again Danielle. Its the hardest thing ive had to do in my life too but 22 months on im beginning to see everything as it is. I too have been swinging from one emotion to another. Always remember that the nasty personality is the real one, the nice one is a massive fake to manipulate you and others. Ive been through the no it cant be true, but it is. There is life after the sociopath and its so much more relaxed and peaceful. Love Sue x

    • Anonymous said:

      Daphne, we cant control the ex or how the kids perceive him but have faith and believe the kids will see the truth..its one of those situations we cant control and shouldnt, try to not take it to heart.just trust god that at the right time their ideas of their dad can change. ?exes are just that..dont allow him to controlwho you are right? Once you choose to no longer allow him to control you it will be better..forgive him no matter how hard it is..i struggle to forgive the abuser im married to ..he isnt worth it..

    • Linda Taylor said:

      I have been away for 3 years now. I was married for 26. I had no idea there was a name for him and his behavior/personality til last week, believe it or not. I tried leaving but its not til I was honest with myself for why I didn’t leave that I got some self respect. Instead of asking everyone continuously, “why does he do these things?”, I finally asked myself, “Why do I do this? Put up with this hideous treatment?” Bottom line I was financially afraid. Ironically, I found out that he had put all of our money in an account for himself…long story short, I somehow tricked him into leaving as he would still be here torturing me, but he cleaned out our home, ditto our accounts, he left me with 29.00 and a 2K monthly mortgage and a job making 2K a month that I could barely do as I was a shadow of the person I am supposed to be. In Ca courts he got away with everything. He opened charge cards in my name only and I did not even get ALIMONY. LOL! Think of all the ways to be unfaithful and I am sure there is another way he could think of. I really think my lawyer fell under his spell…I got nothing but her bill for 20K. My very best advice is to NEVER speak to them again, I mean NEVER. They will try all their charming way that first hooked you to get you back. As long as there is a drop of blood in you he will want it. They are incapable of sorry or truth so why listen to their voice again? Have respect for yourself. Miracles came to me…my house payment under new rules dropped to 875.00, I kept my house that he tried to get. Did I mention this house was mine before I ever met him? I had a nervous breakdown and was on medication I was a shell of a woman by the time it was over. But here is an amazing truth. When I no longer had evil screaming at me everyday my good brain and heart kicked back in…Healing did not come immediately, but self love did…three years and I remember now how wonderful life is. I got off those meds, I sleep again. I no longer distrust and hate men, but I am fine alone. I am beautiful and smart and just like I was when he found me. I am not “still damaged”…oh hell no, I am damned awesome. Who gives a whit about the evil he is still doing with another victim? I get to be me again. Courage strength and truth to you all.

    • Very inspiring, Linda. Thank you! And keep on loving your smart and lovely self. Namaste!

  83. Thank you for your information on narcissistic sociopathic behavior. Each and every detail describes exactly this woman I almost partnered up with doing business. I broke off going into business with her and now she is so angry, I am scared for my life. She has already hacked my email and deleted certain emails that incriminate her in any way shape or form. So my question is, how do I get away from this woman? Will she ever leave me alone? I had a lot of red flags when we were doing the buildout of the place we were going to run together and I paid for EVERYTHING, she fulfilled barely any of the terms she was supposed to do, she took no accountability for nothing getting done and it was always someone else’s fault. She made so many promises about how we were going to make so much money and how she was so connected and knew ALL these people that were going to help us build out business. All she did was talk and blow smoke. I finally realized she was full or it and nothing would get done cause it seemed everyday tasks, well they were too menial for her. I was her slave pretty much and as soon as I spoke up, she would get angry and yell at me. I finally told her I was not going to go into business with her and offered her the space or to let me have it and do a different business. I told her I just could not sign the contracts which would make her in control of me and my life. I was already experiencing horrible communication and work ethics in dealing with her and knew they would only get worse. I found out she had did the exact same thing to a business partner in the past! I found out too late but luckily I never signed anything that would hold up in court. She was so sincere and charming in the beginning and then she turned into this spiteful controlling person, telling me I should be grateful, etc. She tricked and duped me and I almost realized too late, almost signed my life away. I hate to say it but I hope she is moving on to her next victim..
    Any advice on how to protect myself and what to do to move forward and away from this person would be greatly appreciated. Please help!!

    • Samara, The first rule is not to contact her or answer or respond to any emails, calls or texts she sends you. Don’t accept any apologies and don’t discuss her with anyone you absolutely don’t trust 100%. Proving that she hacked you and retrieving those emails requires time, resources and of course, the courts. Unfortunately, she succeeded in covering her ass. Accept it. Real justice will never happen. Be thankful she’s gone. If all she was worried about were the emails, she poses no other threat to you. She destroyed what she wanted to destroy; don’t let her further destroy you. People like this are parasites and will find others to help in their campaign against you if you choose to battle her further. Avoid her and all people who associate with her.

    • popasfritas(fried potatoe) said:

      first time poster here with my wild story that began with reading a newspaper articule titled “NOT EVERYONE LOVES AMORE’ ending with a trail of damages exceeding a million dollars and felonies commited to avoid answering the question who is Fetticcine? While i was living it i thought it would make a good pshyco movie. The articule was about a poor man who just wanted to open an Italian restaraunt and employ 60 persons doing the town a great service therby. The articule was hilarious with his representations of what the restaraunt owners were puting him through,ie.tanning leather hides and hatching chikens in the building and then locking him out having him lose 100,000k in remodel cost. Later i found out about his lies, he took all their equiptment to a small tshirt shop building he had signed option to buy papers on, and sold the equiptment out of there including 15,000 dollars worth of tshirt equiptment he didnt own the owner had stored there. I had at the time a junk bmw i was letting a 16 yr old orphan part out and split the sales with him but he was selling all the parts and lying to me about not getting money for them. I asked the kid about the new bmw spare tire in trunk and he explained about a 22yr old hispanic man who was interested in it but who didnt buy it. Eventually i posted my own ad for bmw parts and the 22yr old and his father the unsuccessful restaraurntur contacted me for more parts and i learned the kid lied and stole from me.I felt so bad about suspecting inocent people of theft from my yard i gave them the parts free and became close freinds with them. I hauled some classic cars and a yacht for him to and from the big City and when we passed through the next town he told me he had a contract with the mexicans who had a store and restaraunt there, they wanted to downsize and he needed more space than the tshirt shop.He had me haul the mexicans tienda to his tshirt shop and set up his restaraunt equiptment with theirs. Moning to our town the mexicans needed a place to rent and i said i had a 100 yr old victorian for rent. When the conman saw the house he spread out his arms and said I’m going to own this house one day, so he rented it instead of the Mexicans. I remoldeled the tshirt shop, then the Italian restaraunt, and then the victorian to his specs and gave him some leway on rent to help him get going.When the third month rent was due i caught a glimps of phsyco without the mask on. He said he was sick ,the gas heat at the house had been shut off and he wanted me and my wife to stop and have diner at the restaraunt on him and see how things where going there in his absence. That was a just a setup to rage at me for going to his place of buiseness snooping around.The gas was shut off and padlocked because he didnt have an account , When he oppened the account, the meter man unlocked the meter but put a redtag on the the meter cause in 1964 they ran the gas line under the foundation instead of the new code that require the line to come above ground before entering the crawl space.That aloud him to use the service and he secretly saved the red tag I knew nothing of for future devestation against me.Then he avoided me and left me hanging .I went to deliver a letter to him after his silent treatment, he was pulling away from the victorian and i followed him trying to catch up thinking he was going to the restaraunt 20 miles away. he made up a slander about recluss driving honking and stalking and how it terrified his minor (15yr) son. At this point I placed the letter with a three day notice on his door and went to visit with the Mexicans to see how he had treated them. What a horror story they had.Since conman didnt own the tshirt shop and never paid a dime on it he didnt have sublet rights either, the mexicans were being evicted. Conman didnt pay the morgage on the Mexicans building untill it was forclosed on and the gas company finally shut him down. They had put 25k down payment and had paid the mortgage for several years on it plus their equiptment left behind. I helped them with all i could (forgave debt on remodel and legal help) but in the end they left town with the clothes on their back. The tshirt lady lost big but was able to save her building. Conman had me take out a double sink out of there an install it in my Vic as part of that remodel.Of the waitresses one I met was a single Mom and when she demanded her pay he called family services on her. A cook was on parole ,so a lie had to be told to the parol officer, others were just stiffed including all supliers. Part 1

    • popasfritas(fried potatoe) said:

      Googeld narcissist horror stories and it brought me here. so here’s part 2. At this stage I knew for sure I had Pure evil in my house. A trip to the court house and a look at his name on the court computer to research rumored law suits he had instituted showed only one open one that was filed for eviction against him,in his previous residence. I had even hauled stuff for him from that address. That poor man had him in there for a year and a half with no pay till he got a lawyer and had papers filed.Landlord dropped the suit after he was gone I looked up the large town he lived in prior and found a 40 thousand dollar eviction judgement against him for his home before he moved here

      With this info I could fine tune his eviction papers to give him only three days instead of 20 to respond to my law suit, showing bad faith instead of bad luck or some other lies.He taunted me on the phone after being served but i was in line at court clercks office and my phone was on speaker. I was impressed with myself when i saw him loading his truck 2 hours later. On the third day i was supprized with an answer to my suit . The whole thing was pure slander made up faulsehoods but if you didnt know it sounded really feasable. Other than me staiking him ,poking my nose into his buisness he had a copy of the gas co red tag I was totaly unawear of with a story about how i would not fix it even though he begged me to and gas co said it could cause his families death (all Tags say that). The poor man begged the court to keep me away from his poor family till he could finish moving on a future date and asked the court to make me pay for two moves as i had put his life in danger. 6 days earlier i had posted the 3day pay or Quit notice on the door later that day 1200 dollars worth of white wooden blinds were installed on ever window in the house shut tight like he was barracading in for a long siege.The answer he filed and the barracade freeked me out but im well thought of in town and i knew enough legally not to try any thing to force the situation.

      We called the power company and they gaurenteed us no interuption in power service but the sneeky pete called the power co after hrs on a friday evening on the emergency line asking for the meter to be removed. The elec tec said the man waved a gas red tag in his face. he didnt understand why he called the elec co for a gas leek and there was no smell of gas but he was there and he removed the elec meter as requested.The extra days he asked the court to keep me away and the below zero temp would freeze and burst the pipes, flood the house, maybee damage the old foundation and put the house on its side.Very glad he was outta my house but totaly freeked he would try to destoy it on his way out the door.Friday night i realized he was out and sent a freind over, house was empty and unlocked no keys left and meter missing. I thought he had stolen it ,the cops would not come even though new laws says its felony mischef to interupt service like this, “NOT UNLESS THERE IS BLOOD ON THE WALL” they said.

      To the tshirt lady and the Mexican family all the theft by deception was a civil matter as well to the many employees that filed department of labor cases that went nowhere maybee because three or four corporations were in his 22yrold sons name. Other corps where unfiled ficticious dba names. After he was gone from my house he signed papers to buy a house from some poor lady he never planned to pay a dime to, same thing there windows sealed tite and threats of counter suites when you stood up and asked for your money With papers signed he could destroy lives at will with no cops or procecutor involvment. Any suppliers and for that matter anyone in the world that met him and expected to deal with a human being buying, selling, dealing at any level was on their own .Malicious threats of law suits or legal entangelments were laid at anyone foolish enough stand up in civil court for justice. The “NOT EVERYONE LOVES AMORE’ people were warned the guy could tie their place up for a long time i heard they paid him 17k to just go away. After meeting 40 or 50 victums i was horrafied by the shear audacity, the equal opportunity preditor would devour families, single mons kids of any color or age didnt seem to matter.I decided it wasnt rite to just be glad he was out and i dodged the bullet and saved my house. So i told the court i was going to proceed. The court granted me a (also) 17 thousand dollar judgement , And then i got the threatining phone call. this is the end of part 2 its a long gruesome story written for your entertainment and education the story is based on my experience and opinions dont know if he was diagnosed and dont care he could fool anyone .The sad part is he involved his own kids in this emotional mayhem.and the authorities were pure chikenshuht. Thank you Paula for this forum if its too long or if you think i am a danger of a lible suite dont post it or it could be reworded i have an interesting part three if you like it so far. Popasfritas

    • I am not worried about a libel suit. These stories need to be told. This garbage is happening too frequently. Thank you for taking the time to share this story. I can even take it and pull it together as an individual post on my blog if you’d like. It’s not long enough!! Hehe!

    • popasfritas(fried potatoe) said:

      NOT EVERYONE LOVES AMORE PART THREE
      On the other end of the phone was a menicing voice that acknowleged my judgement, but just try and collect and his hi power lawyers will slap an injunction on me and sue me for two million. I had heard rumors of his past law suits, one was a 100k victory for being fired cause he was hispanic, and the 17k paid by the other landlord to just be rid of him. I felt someone had to stop him somehow or the whole would eventually bleed.( so many suckers and not enough time) Since conman hid behind his children I supeoned corporate records of the 22yr old. Another menicing call
      ” FETTICCINI wants to know why you want their records” .
      I said who is FETTICCINI ,
      “thems the people I work for YOUR SUCH A F@@KING IDIOT YOU THINK YOUR SO SMART
      When the mex building was forclosed on he moved back to my town an setup at the old pizza palace with FETTICCINI as his alter ego alias.Forget fine dining now , he would go to the store and buy frozen stoffer dinners and sell them as his creation HaHa
      The next day the sherrif served him a warrent at FETTICCINIs (he was famouse for hiding and running from process servers) to show up with his records to testify under oath about his bogus biznesses. I invited thirty or so victums to court that day about half showed up, reps from pepsi ,food suppliers, landlords and food workers.
      A haf hour before court conman walked up to my door and stuck a paper in. It was a bran new rush filed federal bankruptsy notice. In the lobby he looked around and said to some victums “what is this a convention”. On the docket before my case by coincidence a vic with a lawyer was suing him for return of a concession stand, [ he set up the stand in a parking lot. The city made him install $4000 worth of fire equiptment he didnt pay for either, fire company put a lien on the land owner, boy was he mad!!!] A Bankruptsy filling operated as an imediate injunction on all civil suits.The Judge erred in dissmissing our hearings, we just wernt allowed to collect from the conman but we could have proceeded with the hearings [JUSTICE DENIED AGAIN], Conman and 15yr old walked out of court with shit eatin grins. Was a 2million lawsuit next???
      I met with the other vics lawyer and showed him what i had compiled He thought there was enough to show a pattern for a white coller crime case . After court I called the TRUSTEE assigned on the B notice, he gave me the # of the court , within ten minutes with a clerk I had established several felonies just in this filing for bankruptcy.
      The OFFICE OF TRUSTEES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DOJ Is in charge of procecuting felonies and protecting the CON[GAME]FIDENCE and reputation of this federal scheme. I took my file to the big City . They really enjoyed the 1 and 1/2 hour presentation of info I had documented for court plus their very own copies of evidences incuding color adds selling equiptment and pictures of him having a gun sale on his front yard after the filling [these are also felonies] Evidence proof positive beyond any reasonable doubt in the hands of the proper authorities sworn to this very duty. All the work done for them, solid evidence of 7 prior blow and go Bankruptcy frauds with the clear explanation his game only wanted federal protection till his scam was completed then he would disapear.They agreed he was their boy The wife and I had comp dinner tickets at a casino. I had FETTICCINI for dinner. Shouldnt this have been the end of the story????

  84. Hi Danielle. Just to let you get some comfort. My ex has been gone almost two years after a 16 year marriage and 19 years all together. I have to get this across to you that this is what they do. They hurt you do your head in twist things use stuff you have trusted them with against you. My ex is still trying to do it and god does it hurt. They swear the sky is green and the grass blue. It is nothing you ever did. They put you down to make themselves feel better. Ive found the only way is to cut ALL communication completely. Keep strong and you will heal and see what your ex is. Loads of love to you Sue West x

    • danielle said:

      Thank you so much for your kind words. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through—realizing that the one person that I loved and trusted more than anyone else in this world was a completely different and evil person than I thought he was. It’s scary and it’s confusing and so overwhelming. I have such anxiety and sadness when I think about everything that has transpired, and I would give anything to just hear him own up to his mistakes but I know now that it will never happen. It so frustrating. I am angry, then I am sad, then I’m angry again and so on. I just want to feel normal again. He has made me feel like I am incapable of being loved.

    • He tells you this, Danielle, because he’s projecting who he is. You ARE capable of being loved. He wants you to think you aren’t so he can say, “See, I told you so.” They’re masters at projection, and we always absorb their darkness because we have light that makes it hard for us to see their darkness. Some may say we are weak for not being able to see what they do right away. But it’s our light that is our greatest strength. And in the end, we may get hurt or hurt ourselves, but we persevere because our light finally outshines the dark. They don’t have that transformation. They continue on in life as dark hearts who inevitably hurt others. That’s the epitome of a person incapable of being love. XOXO

  85. danielle said:

    I think that my ex boyfriend may have been a narcissist, but I am not positive…So to give you guys a little background story into our relationship, I knew my ex all through my adolescent years and we were always very good friends and hung out in the same circles. When we were 18 years old, we started dating. He struggled with addiction problems in the beginning and I had told him I could not date someone who was involved in drugs and encouraged him to get the help he needed. He went to an in-patient treatment center and I supported him through it, and in the weeks following his release, I continued to help him through his recovery process. As time went on, we began dating. Everything was great and I had never been happier in my life. A year into our relationship, he decided to join the Marines. I was nervous about being in a long-distance relationship, especially because we spent every second together up until he left for boot camp, but I ultimately decided that I loved him too much to let a long distance situation break up our relationship. So, I stayed in the relationship and patiently waited and supported him throughout his time in the Marines. He was stationed in California and I was living, working, and going to school in our home state of Massachusetts, so it was not easy to maintain a relationship, but I put thousands and thousands of dollars into visiting him as much as I could to keep our love alive. He was also deployed twice to Afghanistan, both times for 7 months, which was also hard because we could rarely even speak. There were definitely bumps in our relationship, there were times he would come home on leave and act distant or choose partying with friends over spending time with me, and it hurt me alot. However, I made excuse after excuse for him because of his deployments and the stress he had in his life. Plus, like clockwork, every time he came home and acted that way, he would apologize and beg for forgiveness and I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    Well, fast forwarding a little bit, this year was his last year in the Marines, and he was to be released in March of 2013. We had been dating for 5 years. He had expressed wishes of wanting to stay and live out in California once he got out, so I was looking into transferring schools and applying to jobs out there. I was so happy for him to finally have some freedom in his life, that I basically was willing to relocate to wherever as long as he was doing what he wanted to do and loved. It was hard to tell my friends and family that I most likely would be moving to California, and if I expressed any concern to my ex about it, he would get all frustrated and withdraw from me for days. So, I felt like I wasn’t really getting the support that I needed from him. Around the same time, I received news that I had to get a biopsy of some of my breast tissue done. I was very, very scared so I didn’t really tell anyone after I first found out, besides my ex. His reaction was somewhat cold: when I expressed that I was nervous, he simply replied “Haven’t you had one before?” I was a little disappointed by his reaction because I had indeed gotten a biopsy before, but it doesn’t make it any less scary for the next time you get one. But anyways, I brushed that off and just hoped for the best. Unfortunately, my biopsy results were atypical, precancerous, and to take the safe measure, I had a very small lumpectomy procedure scheduled. When I told him about this, he seemed a little more supportive this time, asking a lot of questions as though he was concerned. It made me feel a little more loved to know that he may be worried about my unfortunate results.

    However, a few days later, I realized I must have misinterpreted his skepticism as concern, because on Christmas night he called me extremely intoxicated and starting accusing me of making the entire thing up. He was yelling over me and asking the same question over and over again: “Do you have cancer or not?!?” and I was trying to explain that the tissue was precancerous and that is not a good thing so we were removing the area and hoping that no other areas of my breast came back positive for cancerous cells, but he kept yelling the same thing “Do you have cancer or not?!?”. I felt stupid and I felt betrayed by him and I could not even believe that I was explaining myself in this situation to him. He said that he was with his friend and his friend’s wife and the wife had said that she has had plenty of biopsies and it doesn’t mean anything. I explained that it was great for her that her biopsies went well, but my results were not good so that is why it was a more serious issue. I was so humiliated that he had even shared my medical concerns with two people I had never met, and now they were all discussing it together and calling my bluff. It was awful. I finally hung up the phone and he texted me “Not even trying to sound mean but I just don’t love you anymore.” I couldn’t believe he was saying all these things to me at all, nevermind on Christmas night. I just tried my best to go to sleep.

    About 3 days later, he texted me apologizing and saying that he didn’t mean it when he said he didn’t love me and that he hopes my procedure goes well and saying that he wanted to keep me in his life. Like an idiot, I accepted his apology and we moved on from it. About 2 months later (a month before he was going to be getting out of the Marines), I was hanging out with a bunch of mutual friends and I heard one mention that he was going to be driving home from California to Massachusetts with Tom (my ex) when he got out of the Marines. I thought it was odd that he had not mentioned this to me, so I asked Tom about it. He immediately went on the defensive and denied that this friend had ever said that and accused me of being a crazy girlfriend and making it all up. However, 2 weeks later he admitted that the friend was indeed going out to visit.

    From this point on, things progressively got worse. I noticed him being very flirtatious with a bunch of random girls on his Instagram account. It was very humiliating to me, as he was doing it for everyone to see and he had a very serious girlfriend of 5 years. When I confronted him about it, he did not answer and I didn’t hear from him for 2 whole weeks. Randomly one day he texted me and said “I got out of the Marines today, thanks for being there for me through tough times”. And of course, me being the pathetic girlfriend that glorified every little positive thing he did, I responded saying how happy I was and proud of him I was. However, a few days later I found out extremely devastating news. One of my girlfriends was in a bar and overheard Tom’s ex girlfriend talking about him and her got into a contract marriage. She told me this and I was in utter shock. The girl was his ex-girlfriend, from our hometown, who we went to school with for years, and she was openly talking about being married to my boyfriend in front of a bunch of people in a bar. I confronted Tom about it, and once again he put on the defensive. He admitted to getting married to his ex 2 YEARS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP, while home on leave, behind my back. THe two of them snuck off and went to the courthouse and then he left to Afghanistan, and the entire time I sat at home waiting for him to return, he was sending this other girl checks in the mail every month and she was using his insurance. He kept telling me it wasn’t a big deal and to get over it because no feelings were involved, but I don’t care what the reason was for doing it, they went behind my back and I was lied to for 2 entire years while I stuck by his side and supported him all along. Once he got angry by me explaining that it WAS a big deal, he also admitted to cheating on me with a bunch of his coworkers, whom he had always assured me were just good friends. I was so disgusted because I had trusted him so much and gave him so much freedom and never suspected any of this.

    I was obviously very upset by the news, it felt like my whole world shattered around me. The man that I had dreamed of marrying for 5 whole years, had waited for 4 years of long distance, had supported him through addictions and military life, who I trusted with my all and was willing to move across the country and uproot my life for, had betrayed me in so many different ways. I was yelling and crying on the phone with him and he just hung up. Shortly after, I got an extremely verbally abusive text message from him placing all the blame on me for the demise of our relationship. He never once apologized or showed any remorse.

    The next day he began his trip across country, and he never said another word to me. He went to raves and stopped at all these crazy spring break places along the way and was posting comments about all the beautiful girls he was seeing and how much fun he was having. It was heartbreaking for me, because I suddenly felt like my boyfriend, who was also my best friend, was just a complete stranger. He showed no care at all towards how I was doing. The second I questioned him, he had just taken off.

    Somewhere along his trip, he accidentally text messaged me a picture of one of his friends posing with 2 girls at a club. This friend of his had a girlfriend back home, and Tom must have been scared that I would show her (which I would never get involved in) but he texted me this long threatening text message in which he told me that if I ever showed anyone that picture to get back at him, he would take the intimate pictures I had sent him while he was deployed in Afghanistan and post them on every single social media website there is–instagram, facebook, google, youtube. It was such an aggressively mean text message that I was in shock. This man had cheated on me, married someone behind my back, and emotionally damaged me by never even apologizing or explaining himself to me, and then the next time I hear from him it is something like that…it just absolutely killed me. I was besides myself and couldn’t even leave my room for days.

    When he finally did get back to our hometown, I still did not hear from him. It has now been months that he has been home and he parties and goes out and socializes with everyone as if he has no shame at all. He still has not apologized to me about anything. I have heard that he says the reason we broke up is because I texted him too much during his cross country trip home…when in reality, we weren’t even regularly talking during that except for his threatening message that he sent me (HA!). So, it is very frustrating to see someone who has done so many horrible things to me getting along just fine in life and having everything work out for him. He seems very happy and he has actually maintained a friendship with the ex girlfriend whom he married, and they both look at me as being the enemy even though they are the 2 people who hurt me.

    I am very confused by the whole situation, and he never gave me any closure because we were never able to have an adult conversation like I had wished. He was too defensive to talk on the phone and would only text message hurtful things. So basically, he just left me without an explanation or anything. All of this has left me in a deep depression. It is hard enough to cope with the realization that he cheated on me in so many drastic ways, and then it is even harder to cope with him being back in town and in the same social circle as me, acting as though I never even existed. It has caused me to lose my self confidence, question my own worth (why would he do this to me?), feel not good enough for him, and I’m just plain sad that what I thought was a 5 year long serious relationship, was all based on lies. I had waited so many lonely nights for 4 years of his military lifestyle, and he took advantage of my trust and my love. I was by no means perfect but I always loved and supported him, and the few times I needed his support in return, he ran away. All of this has made me feel very disposeable to him. The worst part is, I still love him very much, as much as I have every reason to hate him for what he’s done to me. We live in a very small town and I am nowhere ready to be able to handle seeing him with another girl. I am so scared of how that will make me feel, and I know it is inevitable. I find myself becoming so sad about what happened and then becoming so angry at him, and then so angry at the universe by allowing him to be so unaffected by this break up while I struggle so harshly with it.

    I’m just not sure how to get through this. I have never felt this low in my life, and I never ever expected him to even be capable of hurting me in this way. A few months ago I thought I was going to be living in California with the man of my dreams, and now I am stuck in this mess. On top of everything, he acts angry and hateful towards me, as though I was the one who hurt him. It all makes no sense at all. I am so confused and so unbelievably heartbroken and devastated. I am sorry for the length of this, but I just would like to hear some thoughts or ideas, or even related experiences if any of you have some. THanks!

    Again, sorry for the length! It was quite the crazy situation…

    • Danielle,
      Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to recall all of these details. Whenever someone shares their story desperate for the answer as to whether their tormentor is or isn’t a narcissist or a sociopath, I always ask them to ask themselves this instead:

      “Did the relationship leave you questioning your faith and beliefs against the behavior and treatment of your ex partner? Did you at any time start believing that you somehow deserved to be treated disrespectfully and then discarded?”

      We learn something about ourselves with every relationship with enter. We learn to become better communicators. We learn to love with our whole hearts. We learn to be more patient. We learn that everyone comes from different places than us, geographically and mindfuly. We learn to respect each other’s differences. We become more and more aware that with the beginning and ending of relationships, this world is filled with so many different and wonderful people. We use our keen ability to empathize and consider the other person’s feelings and understandings of the world to guide each other to the next level of connection, to the next level of a relationship beyond the lust and sex. But sometimes, for a number of reasons, our romantic relationships don’t work. Our mutual dreams for the future change; they aren’t so mutual any more. We grow apart. When this happens, we must say good-bye, but the love and connection never fades. This person entered our life and affected us, so we keep that person and the memories of that person tucked away in a private place in our heart. Life goes on. We meet and fall in love with someone new, and the cycle continues. (But the people who came before the new love remain close to us in our hearts. That never goes away.)

      But when we enter into a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, the normal dimensions and expectations of relationship evolution explode! We learn quickly that this person has either never been in a healthy relationship or understands how healthy relationships are supposed to work. From being love bombed and put on a pedestal one day to being thrown under the bus the next. THAT IS NOT NORMAL! Healthy people with a healthy conscience and the ability to empathize DO NOT hurt the ones they love that way. They don’t demean and threaten loved ones. EVER!

      Regardless of what he is, you will never know for certain, Danielle. But one thing is certain…HE IS TOXIC! And when we choose to be with toxic people, our lives become toxic and drama-filled.

      You did nothing wrong to cause this person to treat you the way he treated you. Accepting this is the hardest part. Realizing that there are people who can’t, they simply CAN NOT, feel the way healthy people feel. HE can’t be helped or changed. But your life can get turned around and you need to ask for help if you’re feeling depressed or diminished. Do you have someone you can talk to and help you through these devastating days? We have all been where you are: Trying to understand and make sense of that which makes no sense. If you attempt this for too long, you’ll just go mad and become anger-filled.
      <3 Paula

    • Hi Danielle.

      I was engaged to a man on again off again for 6 years and in a relationship for 9 years with him…..different story, yet similar behaviors, although your ex was more extreme and a tad bit evil…..

      You have been blessed to dodge a HUGE bullet…..My ex also had tried to act “normal” especially in the “feelings” dept. and failed. I always knew something wasn’t quite right, and needless to say he did cheat on me eventually . Shocking to me, totally clueless, because he was cheated on by his ex-wife of only 2 years, and he despised cheaters…..I suspect because he is emotionally void….

      You will in time be relieved, and just recognizing that he has a serious incurable disorder should be comforting to know you are not in any way responsible nor defective…

      Talk to friends and family now that you are split up and you will be amazed at how many will come forward and say things like “he just wasn’t attentive to you like he should be” or “he wasn’t right for you, I just couldn’t put my finger on why”, “he was very charming, but not very genuine” , “something about him was weird” ….. or as my mother said to me “early on, I could see that he was very moody, talking a lot at our family gatherings and then withdrawing after one hour of visiting” —that last statement because it was a lot of work for him to keep “acting and lying (being something he was not) ”

      I looked to the Lord for comfort and joined a Singles Ministry (check your local Christian Church) where we discuss failed relationships, divorce, etc….HUGE HELP as I could not function after the shock and the truth…..mind you, I had been through a 23 year marriage and divorce, and the lies and mind games really caused me to suffer far more than the past divorce did—so please seek counsel in others who have been through what you have and that are past it—they will get you through and you will be able to smile, laugh, meet new people and have fun and joy in your life like you have never known while you were with this person!!!!

      Here is the kicker–I broke up with this person multiple times because my needs were not being met and the relationship wasn’t consistent….It went so far as to purchase a home together only to have him back out of it without me……..The ring? He pawned it after one of the breakups….

      Point is, he will always make you sound as though you are the one with the problem in the relationship (the very thing he did in one of the final emails I let go trough before I blocked him)….your best bet is to let it go by realizing he has a severe personality disorder–join a Christian group for support—AND KNOW YOU ARE NORMAL, AND ANY ONE COULD HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY A PERSON WITH THIS PERSONALITY DISORDER…..You will be wiser and more cautious with people, but you will recognize it immediately if ever confronted with this type person again…

      I have great pity for my ex, as he will never know what it feels like to really truly love someone totally and wholly. He was not an evil man, just very very emotionally void, unable to reach that level of deepness that we as humans can reach and long for….

      I also feel free and grateful the marriage never happened. My sister whom I am close to said she has not seen me this happy in years……now there is some encouragement for you!!!!

      Blessings and Prayers for you to Heal……….This pain will pass!

      Donna

    • Thank you, Donna. Surrounding ourselves with supportive and spiritual friends and family is vital to our journey forward. I hope Danielle and others read your VERY valuable message. XOXO

    • danielle said:

      Thank you for the advice and kind words Paula & Donna. I have started seeing a therapist to help me deal with what I am going through. I am hoping to slowly get over this, but I do find myself thinking about the things he has said and done to me and replaying everything in my head over and over again trying to figure out why–which I know is the wrong thing to do and is only going to drive me crazy. It is definitely encouraging to hear that your family sees you at your happiest now, Donna. I can only hope that one day I am in the same position. Thank you again for all of your advice!

    • danielle said:

      Ironically enough, I was checking an old email address the other day and noticed that my ex had emailed me this:
      “I know you blocked my number which you were doing me a favor by doing and quite frankly you should get over yourself if you think I was actually gonna try and talk to you after you soaked up every bit of being the victim in this situation. Hopefully this will clear things up in your crazy mind. I didn’t wanna go out anymore almost a year ago and stop tellin people the reason we broke up is because you found out about the marriage thing with Leann that’s bullshit and you kno it..you freaked out and totally overreacted when it was just a contract marriage and because that’s what you always did so just leave It alone and blame yourself. Do I ever think about times that we had and miss them ? Ya I do and sometimes it makes me sad but do I kno for the sake of my sanity that it was better to not see each other anymore ?yes..because you act like you haven’t said or done crazy shit over little things either your no angel and we both kno that. And your so good you would never do anything like a contract marriage but I guarantee you would have done the same thing as Leann if I asked you instead of her. You act like you don’t deserve me treating you badly when you don’t kno what the fuck I’ve been threw living in your fake fuckin college bullshit world gettin your whole life handed to you workin one Saturday a week with the summers off for the last 4 years partying in your back yard complaining about dental school like life is so hard for you…are you ever going to even graduate, Danielle? Why do you think every serious relationship you have had ends the same way? Think about it…everyone always leaves you in the end. Your obviously the problem here. You had no problem flipping out on me when you found out about Leann and telling me how awful I was being to you when your not by any means perfect…in fact I recall you having a huge battle with poor me syndrome so lets just leave it at that.”

      I am so devastated reading those words. I have never done anything to hurt him, yet he still feels the need even after all the heartbreak he has caused me to put me down about me, my personality, and my entire lifestyle. I go to school all throughout the summer and work as well, and if he had paid any attention to me the last 4 years he would have known that. And he’s referring to me having depression when he says “poor me syndrome”…thats what he would call it. I confided in him so much and now he is using it against me to insult me. I am so hurt and feel so stupid that he would stoop this low.

    • Danielle, Don’t let those foolish and jealous words hurt you. I have letters and emails similar to this from the sociopath from my past. They are always pointing a shaming finger back at us for some perceived wrong. The truth is, they created the chaos. We just reacted to it like anyone would react to chaos–in a panic. And when we’re in a panic, we look a bit nuts. But I’d much rather appear nuts than be nuts. You know the truth. Let go of this fool’s influence and nastiness. He isn’t stooping to get that low. That’s where he lives and always has. :)

    • A few things especially struck me as red flags that this guy is a narc: First, he blames you for getting upset about the marriage. But he did this and didn’t tell you. Who wouldn’t get upset? Second, he says he wanted to break up with you for a year–Did he ever tell you this? What took so long? Third, by saying, “You act like you don’t deserve me treating you badly,” not only is this an admission that he did treat you badly, but he blames you for it. It sounds very much like the crap I’ve gotten from narc boyfriends/friends over the years. Try not to take his words to heart: He doesn’t seem worth your grief.

    • wow, amazing you are able to get it all out of your system. amazing you are well and able to share your story. I have been there myself – it was a 14 yr relationship, he has NPD and now possibly a sociopath though with shades of psychopathy too. i was able to heal from all the memories,muck,pain with the help of melanie tonia evans narc abuse recovery program. it also helped me get off my pattern of being attracted to these kinds of relationships.

    • Oh Danielle…we have so much in common…with the exception of the military life, but we did have a long distance relationship for the first year and a half. I’m so heartbroken…trying to get past the “I thought we were so much more to each other…” Such a long, intertwined relationship…since we were teens…but yeah, on and off, he just can’t commit. He left me last September after making me feel invisible and like I was always asking or expecting too much from him. I remember a specific day when he was so evil and cruel, I just couldn’t believe this was the same guy who couldn’t wait to move here and start a life together….finally. So even though he left in September, it’s never really been over. He always comes back to me for comfort and consoling…but when I need it, he’s never there for me. Whenever I tell him I don’t want to see him because I need more than he gives me, I get the “after everything we’ve been thru we can’t even be friends….” My reply is just that, “we are so much more than friends…” I’m trying to end this, trying to move on for my kids because they don’t deserve to keep seeing me on this emotional roller coaster. This is so hard. I just wish it was like it was the first 3 years…when I felt like we meant everything to each other…. I don’t know how to let go :’(

    • Jen,
      Letting go of a person who is still alive and who was once a huge part of our life is a not normal. That’s why the breaking up and coming to terms with a relationship with a pathological person (i.e.,sociopath, narcissist, psychopath) is unlike any our normal brain chemistry can process. Who throws away a person? No one who is healthy. But because we have been thrown away by someone we thought was a healthy human, we must accept the discard for what it is, so we can also “throw away” that person. Otherwise, you continue asking Why?, the answer to which can never be found. XOXO

    • Funny you use the term “thrown away”….he used to beg me not to throw him away and in the end, it was me saying “I can’t believe you’re throwing me away.” I truly believe a lot of his issues stem from being adopted at a year old and not having that first year of bonding that is so important to an infant…he’s also always felt like his birth parents threw him away. He seems to want to make changes but then he goes back to his old ways always with an excuse as to why he so miserable at this particular moment…it seems to be always something. I gave him the number of a really good therapist. Maybe I should talk to someone too. I know “it’s him, it’s not me”, but it’s been emotionally draining and there’s a part of me that’s sooooo angry that the fairy tale I thought I was finally going to have only lasted 2 years…the problem is that aside from having my children, those 2 maybe 2 1/2 years, I’ve never felt more happy or content in my life….I guess at 44 I just don’t believe I’M ever going to love anyone like that. Since the first time I saw him at 13 he’s been the one…and we always end up back together…so much in common, so much history, so much passion…half the time I’m convinced he’s a total narcissist, the rest of the time I think he just a a selfish moron that needs a good kick in the ass. I guess that why I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. I think I finally had enough this time. I gave him the last 6-7 weeks to prove his words, but the actions never came. He wanted me to let him move back in and I told him no, let work on things and see what happens. I was waiting for a miracle. Disappointed again (but at least not devastated this time)…I was smart enough to keep my emotional distance…but I still mourn what I wanted it to be… Please mention that Facebook support page again. I thought you said it was “Searching Higher Ground” but I couldn’t find it. Thanks so much for all the understanding and support.

  86. danielle said:

    I think my ex boyfriend may have been a narcissist..but I am not sure.So to give you guys a little background story into our relationship, I knew my ex all through my adolescent years and we were always very good friends and hung out in the same circles. When we were 18 years old, we started dating. He struggled with addiction problems in the beginning and I had told him I could not date someone who was involved in drugs and encouraged him to get the help he needed. He went to an in-patient treatment center and I supported him through it, and in the weeks following his release, I continued to help him through his recovery process. As time went on, we began dating. Everything was great and I had never been happier in my life. A year into our relationship, he decided to join the Marines. I was nervous about being in a long-distance relationship, especially because we spent every second together up until he left for boot camp, but I ultimately decided that I loved him too much to let a long distance situation break up our relationship. So, I stayed in the relationship and patiently waited and supported him throughout his time in the Marines. He was stationed in California and I was living, working, and going to school in our home state of Massachusetts, so it was not easy to maintain a relationship, but I put thousands and thousands of dollars into visiting him as much as I could to keep our love alive. He was also deployed twice to Afghanistan, both times for 7 months, which was also hard because we could rarely even speak. There were definitely bumps in our relationship, there were times he would come home on leave and act distant or choose partying with friends over spending time with me, and it hurt me alot. However, I made excuse after excuse for him because of his deployments and the stress he had in his life. Plus, like clockwork, every time he came home and acted that way, he would apologize and beg for forgiveness and I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    Well, fast forwarding a little bit, this year was his last year in the Marines, and he was to be released in March of 2013. We had been dating for 5 years. He had expressed wishes of wanting to stay and live out in California once he got out, so I was looking into transferring schools and applying to jobs out there. I was so happy for him to finally have some freedom in his life, that I basically was willing to relocate to wherever as long as he was doing what he wanted to do and loved. It was hard to tell my friends and family that I most likely would be moving to California, and if I expressed any concern to my ex about it, he would get all frustrated and withdraw from me for days. So, I felt like I wasn’t really getting the support that I needed from him. Around the same time, I received news that I had to get a biopsy of some of my breast tissue done. I was very, very scared so I didn’t really tell anyone after I first found out, besides my ex. His reaction was somewhat cold: when I expressed that I was nervous, he simply replied “Haven’t you had one before?” I was a little disappointed by his reaction because I had indeed gotten a biopsy before, but it doesn’t make it any less scary for the next time you get one. But anyways, I brushed that off and just hoped for the best. Unfortunately, my biopsy results were atypical, precancerous, and to take the safe measure, I had a very small lumpectomy procedure scheduled. When I told him about this, he seemed a little more supportive this time, asking a lot of questions as though he was concerned. It made me feel a little more loved to know that he may be worried about my unfortunate results.

    However, a few days later, I realized I must have misinterpreted his skepticism as concern, because on Christmas night he called me extremely intoxicated and starting accusing me of making the entire thing up. He was yelling over me and asking the same question over and over again: “Do you have cancer or not?!?” and I was trying to explain that the tissue was precancerous and that is not a good thing so we were removing the area and hoping that no other areas of my breast came back positive for cancerous cells, but he kept yelling the same thing “Do you have cancer or not?!?”. I felt stupid and I felt betrayed by him and I could not even believe that I was explaining myself in this situation to him. He said that he was with his friend and his friend’s wife and the wife had said that she has had plenty of biopsies and it doesn’t mean anything. I explained that it was great for her that her biopsies went well, but my results were not good so that is why it was a more serious issue. I was so humiliated that he had even shared my medical concerns with two people I had never met, and now they were all discussing it together and calling my bluff. It was awful. I finally hung up the phone and he texted me “Not even trying to sound mean but I just don’t love you anymore.” I couldn’t believe he was saying all these things to me at all, nevermind on Christmas night. I just tried my best to go to sleep.

    About 3 days later, he texted me apologizing and saying that he didn’t mean it when he said he didn’t love me and that he hopes my procedure goes well and saying that he wanted to keep me in his life. Like an idiot, I accepted his apology and we moved on from it. About 2 months later (a month before he was going to be getting out of the Marines), I was hanging out with a bunch of mutual friends and I heard one mention that he was going to be driving home from California to Massachusetts with Tom (my ex) when he got out of the Marines. I thought it was odd that he had not mentioned this to me, so I asked Tom about it. He immediately went on the defensive and denied that this friend had ever said that and accused me of being a crazy girlfriend and making it all up. However, 2 weeks later he admitted that the friend was indeed going out to visit.

    From this point on, things progressively got worse. I noticed him being very flirtatious with a bunch of random girls on his Instagram account. It was very humiliating to me, as he was doing it for everyone to see and he had a very serious girlfriend of 5 years. When I confronted him about it, he did not answer and I didn’t hear from him for 2 whole weeks. Randomly one day he texted me and said “I got out of the Marines today, thanks for being there for me through tough times”. And of course, me being the pathetic girlfriend that glorified every little positive thing he did, I responded saying how happy I was and proud of him I was. However, a few days later I found out extremely devastating news. One of my girlfriends was in a bar and overheard Tom’s ex girlfriend talking about him and her got into a contract marriage. She told me this and I was in utter shock. The girl was his ex-girlfriend, from our hometown, who we went to school with for years, and she was openly talking about being married to my boyfriend in front of a bunch of people in a bar. I confronted Tom about it, and once again he put on the defensive. He admitted to getting married to his ex 2 YEARS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP, while home on leave, behind my back. THe two of them snuck off and went to the courthouse and then he left to Afghanistan, and the entire time I sat at home waiting for him to return, he was sending this other girl checks in the mail every month and she was using his insurance. He kept telling me it wasn’t a big deal and to get over it because no feelings were involved, but I don’t care what the reason was for doing it, they went behind my back and I was lied to for 2 entire years while I stuck by his side and supported him all along. Once he got angry by me explaining that it WAS a big deal, he also admitted to cheating on me with a bunch of his coworkers, whom he had always assured me were just good friends. I was so disgusted because I had trusted him so much and gave him so much freedom and never suspected any of this.

    I was obviously very upset by the news, it felt like my whole world shattered around me. The man that I had dreamed of marrying for 5 whole years, had waited for 4 years of long distance, had supported him through addictions and military life, who I trusted with my all and was willing to move across the country and uproot my life for, had betrayed me in so many different ways. I was yelling and crying on the phone with him and he just hung up. Shortly after, I got an extremely verbally abusive text message from him placing all the blame on me for the demise of our relationship. He never once apologized or showed any remorse.

    The next day he began his trip across country, and he never said another word to me. He went to raves and stopped at all these crazy spring break places along the way and was posting comments about all the beautiful girls he was seeing and how much fun he was having. It was heartbreaking for me, because I suddenly felt like my boyfriend, who was also my best friend, was just a complete stranger. He showed no care at all towards how I was doing. The second I questioned him, he had just taken off.

    Somewhere along his trip, he accidentally text messaged me a picture of one of his friends posing with 2 girls at a club. This friend of his had a girlfriend back home, and Tom must have been scared that I would show her (which I would never get involved in) but he texted me this long threatening text message in which he told me that if I ever showed anyone that picture to get back at him, he would take the intimate pictures I had sent him while he was deployed in Afghanistan and post them on every single social media website there is–instagram, facebook, google, youtube. It was such an aggressively mean text message that I was in shock. This man had cheated on me, married someone behind my back, and emotionally damaged me by never even apologizing or explaining himself to me, and then the next time I hear from him it is something like that…it just absolutely killed me. I was besides myself and couldn’t even leave my room for days.

    When he finally did get back to our hometown, I still did not hear from him. It has now been months that he has been home and he parties and goes out and socializes with everyone as if he has no shame at all. He still has not apologized to me about anything. I have heard that he says the reason we broke up is because I texted him too much during his cross country trip home…when in reality, we weren’t even regularly talking during that except for his threatening message that he sent me (HA!). So, it is very frustrating to see someone who has done so many horrible things to me getting along just fine in life and having everything work out for him. He seems very happy and he has actually maintained a friendship with the ex girlfriend whom he married, and they both look at me as being the enemy even though they are the 2 people who hurt me.

    I am very confused by the whole situation, and he never gave me any closure because we were never able to have an adult conversation like I had wished. He was too defensive to talk on the phone and would only text message hurtful things. So basically, he just left me without an explanation or anything. All of this has left me in a deep depression. It is hard enough to cope with the realization that he cheated on me in so many drastic ways, and then it is even harder to cope with him being back in town and in the same social circle as me, acting as though I never even existed. It has caused me to lose my self confidence, question my own worth (why would he do this to me?), feel not good enough for him, and I’m just plain sad that what I thought was a 5 year long serious relationship, was all based on lies. I had waited so many lonely nights for 4 years of his military lifestyle, and he took advantage of my trust and my love. I was by no means perfect but I always loved and supported him, and the few times I needed his support in return, he ran away. All of this has made me feel very disposeable to him. The worst part is, I still love him very much, as much as I have every reason to hate him for what he’s done to me. We live in a very small town and I am nowhere ready to be able to handle seeing him with another girl. I am so scared of how that will make me feel, and I know it is inevitable. I find myself becoming so sad about what happened and then becoming so angry at him, and then so angry at the universe by allowing him to be so unaffected by this break up while I struggle so harshly with it.

    I’m just not sure how to get through this. I have never felt this low in my life, and I never ever expected him to even be capable of hurting me in this way. A few months ago I thought I was going to be living in California with the man of my dreams, and now I am stuck in this mess. On top of everything, he acts angry and hateful towards me, as though I was the one who hurt him. It all makes no sense at all. I am so confused and so unbelievably heartbroken and devastated. I am sorry for the length of this, but I just would like to hear some thoughts or ideas, or even related experiences if any of you have some. THanks!

    Again, sorry for the length! It was quite the crazy situation…

    • Excellent article! Was married
      To one, engaged to one, have
      3 Brother’s that are, and have
      Been sucked in many times
      By arrogant , pompous nariccistic
      A-holes! I’m still trying to get
      Over it! My esteem has been
      Shattered, several times!
      Thankyou

  87. Mummybest said:

    My husband is a confirmed narssist sociopath….every word said here…says my story…today after 18 years of marriage…I discover this new…man…only to b practically get abandoned with my child…I m so disheartened…broken frm within as he cud manage to get support from the very people who were once loyal to me….
    Barely that I manage to stand…..he kicks me hard enough that…I not only fall down….but get no help from any where….

  88. Hope so, thanks Paula.

  89. Book has arrived, just need to find a relaxing moment to read it as I know I won’t be relaxed at the end.

  90. Chrysalis said:

    …. I am at a loss of words, at this moment. I just had 7 years of my life explained to me in 10 minutes…

    • You took the words out of my mouth. I married into a FAMILY of three sociopaths, father and his two daughters. 10 years of hell, and now my wife has run away with our 2 kids. Very difficult times. Just waiting for the book to be delivered by Amazon.

  91. This could not describe the individual I dealt with any better. Every trait, every pattern of behavior, words, actions, the in congruency between the two, the lying and deceit, the lying to oneself (which I witnessed), the paranoia, the secretiveness, isolation, projection of blame, refusal to accept any responsibility, craziness when confronted with anyone, obsessive need for control, anger at small things and coldness at what would make anyone else upset, constant social competition (he saw everything, even me, who he was supposed to manage, as this, to a disgusting point).

    What would you recommend for one who has defamed you and in many ways ruined your life as a result? I’ve fought back to reclaim myself in many ways, but I think I’ve been falsely accused for the last time. Wait until I’m in even more of a stable position and then tell people with substantiating evidence?

    All I want is for those who, like me, have been manipulated by him, to make a few things right. Additionally, I feel he is a danger to the organization based on the abuse and lies and should be fired. Sorry to sound harsh but it’s unfair to the rest of humanity to have to suffer so much. And boy have I suffered:

    Loss of friends, isolation, defamation of character, jobs due to failure to provide a promised reference, shunned so many times I lost count, extreme emotional distress resulting in physical illness, all of the abuse I endured, never knowing what will happen, etc. The list goes on. This is quite literally the summed up tip-of-the-iceberg. Apparently I’ve been subject to a smear campaign, and preemptive striking as I understand the terms used to apply to this. I wondered how he could discard and do all this to me, when I protected him and thought he cared. Now I know. Your words describe my life. Anyone is vulnerable. I’ve moved past in so many ways but I cannot stomach the injustice. I want people to know the truth. So any tips on how to do this (stomach the injustice) as well would be beyond appreciated.

    • M,
      There is really nothing that can be done through the formal, legal justice system. Even with this blog and never naming the boy in my story, I was contacted by his lawyers and served with a cease and desist letter and later a 6-month peace order for online harassment. It broke me…for a minute. Luckily, I have a great network of people who understand and support me and have been on the receiving end of the lies, manipulations and attempts at smearing us. There is power in the truth and justice in telling it and one day you will have that opportunity and people WILL believe you. Being validated through the letters and discussions I received and had with others who personally know and knew “the boy” in my story has been the sweetest justice. The person who abused and smeared you certainly has done it to others. That’s where you need to start if the injustice of it all is tearing you apart. Find one, at least one person, who experienced what you did at the hands of the same person. These fools end up being no more than the butt of your favorite jokes and once they become no more than a comedic character from your past, you’ll wonder why you ever allowed him to affect you the way he did. I also recommend reading “Women Who Love Psychopaths” by Sandra L. Brown. That will also help bring it all into perspective. :)

  92. There is no happy ending. Give up the fantasy. He has spent his whole life thinking and acting the way he does. If he makes you uncomfortable and miserable, get out. Especially don’t contemplate having kids with him, as it will make a bad situation intolerable. I sound harsh here, but it took me 9 years to make that decision, and I regret that lost decade of my life.

  93. Hi Paula,

    Thanks for the chat and I have ordered the book.

    Hopefully all will resolve itself.

    Best Wishes

    Justin

  94. I’m so glad I came across this article. This so describes my relationship.

  95. Anonymous said:

    Hi Paula,

    I have forwarded your description of a narcissist and sociopath to others to identify the behavioural tag that someone I know is. Thanks for sharing. It is great to know that others have gone through what I have gone through and are trying to get on with their lives in a positive way. It does affect you, and I am researching mind-body trauma healing……

    Keep up the good work, and work on healing from trauma.

    Anon.

    • Thank you for taking the time to let me know that the pages of this blog have helped you and are useful. Good luck in your research. I know I may sound cliche, but yoga has truly helped me, in addition to counseling and support groups. :)

  96. Annie Chace said:

    I wish I’d found this blog months ago. So incredibly helpful!

  97. Hi Paula,

    I hope you are well. I miss our email exchange but I’ve been having troubles with my email client on my home PC and haven’t found the motivation to fix it.

    My therapy sessions have been immensely helpful. I’m so glad, with your guidance, I sought it out.

    Despite the fact I have not had any contact with my Ex, he has been using my brother as a means to transfer information to me. e.g., he let my brother know that he is now engaged to be married. My Ex is also lying to my brother, which my brother has only just realized. I told my brother I am not surprised. I further went on to say, that he is caught up in my Ex’s web of lies (like I was) and that he really ought to sever all contact. I told my brother that I strongly feel my Ex is using him as a means to get back at me. I ran this theory past my therapist and she absolutely agreed. Despite the fact he has moved on and is building a new life with his new victim, he is STILL TRYING TO HURT ME. The only thing is, he’s not hurting me. When my brother told me my Ex is engaged (my Ex introduced my brother to his new “fiance”) I laughed. I don’t care that he is engaged to be married. I feel sorry for the woman. She has no idea.

    BTW, my therapist said my Ex is a “pathological narcissist”.

    I was on vacation last week working on my house, hiring contractors etc… I got so much accomplished. It felt very cathartic.

    Have you finished the book yet (Women Who Love Psychopaths)? I had to stop reading due to vacation but I plan to start back up this week.

    miss you!

    XXOO
    Susan

    • Hey, Susan!

      Great news that your house is coming along. I have not finished the book either! I better get back to it. I am so glad your counseling is working for you. But I’m sorry that your brother had to get mixed into the lies and manipulations. And another wife!? God, it all sounds so familiar. It’s best that you don’t know the details of his life, I agree. I hope your brother will end communication for your sake and your brother’s sake. You don’t need to be reminded of his games and his behavior. You don’t need to know that he is priming another woman and there is nothing you can do to stop him and save her. She’d never believe you even if you told her. He’d come up with a laundry list of lies and excuses for her as to why you’re some crazy, jealous ex-wife who is hell-bent on destroying their love affair. You know how I feel about that. It’s not worth looking like the crazy person, especially when you know the truth behind his many, many lies. Being content in our own knowledge is where we need to find comfort. Time will eventually have the final word on what and who he is.

      ~Paula

    • Hi Paula!

      He is already calling me a “psycho” behind my back and I honestly to goodness do not care. Go ahead and call me names. I’m not the one who lied. Who lived a double life. Who had aliases for Facebook, Porn Sites, Dating Websites, et-cetera. I’m not the one who lied about everything. So yah, go ahead and call me a psycho. Ha! Would the REAL psycho please stand up? Ha-Ha!

      Not to worry Paula, I am not going to stoop to his level. If I were to say or do anything it would only confirm the lies he’s spreading about me. It would on solidify in her mind that I am, as you said, the jealous ex. I would take a sword to the chest before I would give him or his fiance the satisfaction.

      I have already told my brother to remove himself from interacting with my Ex and if he cannot, then please refrain from telling me what’s going on, as I don’t need to know.

      All in all I feel really good and my life is moving forward, without him, which is a good thing. As my therapist has said, at some point he will fade to black and become a very distant memory. I may think of him from time to time but there won’t be any emotion (anger, hate, etc) behind the thoughts. I am almost through with the anger and already feel at peace. I can feel my life changing and interesting things are on the horizon.
      :-)

      XX
      S

    • Awesome! Stay that way and e-mail me once your account is back up and working. :)

    • Will do! :-)

      I am using iCloud as my email client on a Windows-based platform. I need to buy a MacBook Air I just cannot afford it! :-(

    • Download Google Chrome as your browser to access iCloud on your Windows-based PC. Much better functionality and response. :)

    • That’s how I’m accessing it (via Google Chrome). I think the issue might be my HP Laptop. Like I said, I really want a MacBook Air.

      Maybe I should stand outside the train station with a cup that says, “Please donate to my MacBook Air Fund”. LOL!

      P.s. I love Chrome! :-)

    • Nothing compares to a Macbook. I agree. I’ve got stickers all over mine. It’s been everywhere with me. Hehe! Like my own little buddy, or something.

    • Rub it in why don’t you. LOL! ;-)

    • Hehe! I didn’t mean it like that. :)

  98. Agreed Paula…part of it is that it took me nearly two and half years to divorce her after her multiple perjuries on the stand, filing bankruptcy to delay the trial and held in contempt of court over several issues…”above the law” indeed? ;-)

  99. My ex-wife fit many of the descriptions for both NPD and Sociopath…not all on each but a majority for certain. I think the difficulty for anyone who has been in a relationship with such an individual is to forgive yourself for not seeing through all the dysfunctional-ness of that person…

  100. Pat Hibbert said:

    I have just terminated a 4 year relationship with a man who ticks every box above. It has been a living hell

    • Anonymous said:

      It is a living hell. My brain actually hurts after text conversations with him because I have to listen to what he’s saying, work out what he really means, censor my first reaction and convert it into words that say I love him but will not … or cannot…. participate in acts that fulfill his sexual fantasies.i try really hard to explain my point of view but he hedges and dances around my meaning. He says he is incapable of love or any of those feelings, which makes me feel sorry for him as he is obviously a wounded person. If I say the wrong thing, he shuts me out of his life for weeks, months or years, popping up again when I least expect it and have forgotten how hard it is. He leaves me feeling like a total idiot, which I probably am to persist in the hope of a happy ending.

  101. Anonymous said:

    This is pretty much me, I’d say sad to say but its not, its just me, from experience you normal folk aren’t all that .We can’t help how we are its a dysfunction but its a damn good one, empathy and compassion are weak traits to have, who cares if I don’t care when lots of people die in a tragedy, oh well only 8 billion more left. I am better than most people I ever meet and I’m smarter too. Stop being so dumb and desperate

    • Another wanna-be sociopath. You missed the part in “How to Be a Sociopath” about not commenting on sites like this one because a real sociopath doesn’t give a hoot about us dumb and desperate folk. Go role play somewhere else. Thanks! :)

    • I struggle with this too. I am recovering from a recent problem in my life because of this. I could succumb to this dysfunction and say “to hell with life” but there’s so much more in life to live for! Prescription drugs and counseling may help but may only be a bandaid approach to a deeper issue. No one wants you to stay where you are at more than the devil because he incriminates the mind (I speak from experience).The only way to fully get better is to turn to Jesus. Ask him to heal and he will. Be consistent to believe that you CAN get better so rest on him for relief from your painful past. Luke 11:9+10 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be opened.

    • Thank you for your support, CL. :)

  102. bluesky1 said:

    Here is a bit about my story……..my advice is get an injunction!

    I was married to a sociopath. He managed to manipulate everyone around him and even turned my family against me. He was violent and convinced the police that he was sorry and charmed them so much, that he even got the police officer to call me and say he wanted to meet me for coffee after my ex had put me in hospital. He took me for every penny, yet continued to charm his way through. I feel like such a fool and even though I divorced him 7 years ago, I have not recovered. People still say things like ‘I don’t think he’s a bad person really’ after what he did to me. I live in a small town, he is not from here, but he has been accepted in the community and continues to reside here. Luckily, the Judge granted me an indefinite injunction, so he is not allowed anywhere near me. But it was the reaction from everyone else, who believed him and still do believe him that hurts the most. He is a wolf in sheeps clothing and I feel like I am the only one who can see it.

    My advice for above, is if you can afford it get a solicitor and get an injunction. If you can’t afford one, then you may be entitled to Legal Aid. Change your phone number and set Facebook so no one can find you, move house if you can and don’t tell anyone who knows the sociopath where you live. If you can’t move house, call the police on the non urgent number and ask to speak to a liaison officer, you can ask them to come round and give them a copy of the injunction. Get CCTV put in outside your door – this may sound OTT, but its for piece of mind.

    http://www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid

    • Bluesky,
      I had to respond ti your comment. I haven’t experienced the depth of abuse you have but after my ex ambushed my son and I one night and I got a no contact order against him he got a police escort to come and get his belongings. When the police got there with him, one cop came to the door and the first thing he said to me was, “And don’t you start anything”.
      I have had much the same response from most of society. My family disowned me for going back to him and everyone else seems to have a “it couldn’t have been THAT bad” attitude. My ex projected such a passive personality that no one would ever believe how violent he could get at the drop of a hat. He had me thinking I had no way out, it wasn’t until his sister witnessed his temoer and had to step between us to stop him from punching me that I finally had witnesses to his abuse and I left.
      But even after andwith his sister varifying what I said was true, o one really believed it
      and people’s memories are short; a few months of him on good behaviour and everyone just carries on with their life and all is forgotten except by the victim who has to struggle to put her life back together, herself back together.
      It isn’t easy, my heart goes out to you!
      Carrie

    • Anonymous said:

      I know. Everyone thinks my wolf in sheepskin clothing is a charming, loveable pillar of the community. His other girlfriends think I am a psycho and, if we ended up in court, he would win with his charisma and also because he’d be sleeping with most of the jury. He befriends the police and people of power and, if there’s an argument, I end up apologising or feeling guilty, even though he’s done something reprehensible. I even absorbed his personae so much that his attitudes dominated mine. The answer is to leave. Don’t look back or you will turn into a pillar of salt (biblically speaking) don’t cut him any slack and console yourself that God knows the truth even though people are fooled by him. I reckon Satan created my man… made him ver beautiful and charismatic but forgot to give him a brain and a heart.

  103. I’ve been married to a man for 35 years!
    As I look back at my waisted years (at least 20 of them)I’m just so sick and have come so close to being suicidal, as I think it’s all my fault with no escape! I’m so trapped with no way out.
    I look for a biblical answer to leave, and I’m so scared of the unknown.

    • Anonymous said:

      Sunny, please, dont stoop down to his level..no man is worth suicidal thoughts. I dont know the history of you or your marriage but women who stay due to thinking theres no way out end up with terminal health issues.its ok to leave..its ok to be scared of the unknowns. It is so NOT your fault for his behavior. He knows what hes doing to you! Its a mans dominance factor that portrays their insecurities by controlling others.its like a form of getting high by being mean to the one they “love”. Yes, it seemslike you are stuck or trapped with no way out, but, in actuality, there IS a way out. Youve been in a pattern for so long you dont realize how being in this holding pattern of control has mentally effectedyou up until now. I too thought its all my fault but after counseling and getting through the concerns, i realize its been him all along..18 years of doing life his way, of being talked down to, ofbeing told im the one with problems and need to get my head twisted on the right way, that im worthless, i dont give him my undivided attention, im out spending all hismoney, i galavant and should be home so he can what control me and tell me what my thoughts are, how i should dress, do my hair make up to his pornographic ways? Heck no… i pray you realize your thoughts of taking the blame, in my opinion, is not true..its not your fault. You can get your life back. You have control of everything related to you..your ideas, plans, thoughts, actions. Please sunny, try starting out by not allowing him to take over your thoughts or who YOU are! You are important, you matter, you are special, you are precious and mean a lot to a lot of people. Trust god to take away the years of hurt. Allow god to heal you from the inside out. I will pray for you..you can email me if you wish. Its interesting how many of us are in the same predictament..best to you always.

  104. Anonymous said:

    I’ve been married to a man for 35 years!
    As I look back at my waisted years (at least 20 of them)I’m just so sick and have come so close to being suicidal, as I think it’s all my fault with no escape! I’m so trapped with no way out.
    I look for a biblical answer to leave, and I’m so scared of the unknown.

  105. I thought it was all my fault….But…It wasn’t….He Gaslamped me to think that it was. He is a sick person. Not only did Jason Chambers (“The Human Weapon”} mess with my head, he is currently messing with many heads of woman that he is meeting from match.com. This GUY needs to be stopped!!! He owns the store…..The Toast Office….In Oakland Park, Florida. He is BAD PERSON…..His child’s mother and I can only “WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HIM!” BUT, he will continue to hurt people……Do you want someone like this to continue to hurt people?????

  106. I was best friends with a narcissistic sociopath for years and tried long and hard to remove her from my life. She matched every single personality trait you described. It appeared also her whole family encouraged and to an extent shared her crazy behavior. She was secretive for no reason, lying constantly for no reason, and always in need to control the people around her and being the center of male/sexual attention. It seems like secrecy and deceit was empowering her in some way. When she was not controlling others or she did not have the sexual attention she turned to a completely different person and became very aggressive. Everyone who was close to her (basically her best friend and bf) had to be manipulated by her. In the beginning she was the most charming and kind-hearted person on earth and, she won completely your trust (she would not settle for less than your absolute trust, admiration and adoration) and then she turned you in what she wanted, absolutely alienating you and turning you against other people. You lost interest in other people as they did not cause the same emotional excitement.
    Every now and then I tried to cut loose from her but she had always a way to slip back into my life without even having to apologize for the pain her insane behavior caused. It took me 5 years and relocating to 2 different places (for some reason her obligations brought her where I was) to finally and gradually remove her completely from my life and 3 years after the only thing I regret is not having the strength to do it earlier.
    Sociopaths are extremely dangerous because they are very difficult to detect and they do not show their character to everyone, only to the vulnerable ones that will fall in their trap. Once they are in your life they poison it with control and obsession and their well hidden jealousy of everything and everyone. The fact that a person has fallen victim of a narcissistic sociopath shows that they are vulnerable and trusting. I do wish everyone with a similar experience to rebuild a normal social and emotional life.

    • Anonymous said:

      I know exactly how you feel. I was married to one for four years and at the end I was broke and my family destroyed. She still pops up occasionally since she is a relative of one of my cousins. She was charming and the life of the party but she would lie all the time for no reason at all and manipulate people without remorse or regret. She was very abusive physically and verbally. I am so glad that part of my life is over.

  107. Not enough attention and information is paid to these predators. My eldest Sister had my 2 handicapped Sisters disinherited after turning My father against my youngest Sister and me due to undue influence and manipulation(lies). She fits every description above and is incapable of compassion. Only wanting/stealing whatever she can get her hands on. She has destroyed our family with her cold, calculating ways. Going so far as to telling a group of people I had molested Her. Thank you for letting Us all know about these incurable evil people.Mainstream media needs to alert everyone.as well.needing to be the first one at my Father and Mother’s grave sites?..How Morbid is that? Taking over control of My fathers mind. Nobody you associate with wants to get any where near the middle of Family strife. You are left to fight alone with your other siblings.

    • It’s time we stop being afraid to intervene. What’s the worst that could happen? We could be proven wrong or called crazy for making accusations? Exposed, they’ll be more than likely to be on their best behavior. I’m tired of being held hostage by the possible retaliatory actions they might take. Thank you for sharing, Gipper.

    • Anonymous1 said:

      Gipper, were you able to sue for undue influence?

  108. To Victoria. My now ex who I believe is definitely a narcissistic sociopath blamed me for everything. Tols me I molly coddled the kids and all financial problems were my fault. It took me 8 months and a lot of coffees and tears to realise that I had feelings and that I was loving our children how they should be loved. I also realised that he had isolated me and the kids, I was locked out of all finances and was given house keeping each week so how the hell was it my fault he was in dept. He even managed to make me think that he hit me because I did something wrong. I was so happy when I found his first wife’s mother. Her story was the same as mine. I think if it wasn’t for her I would still believe I was in the wrong. These people dont change and its best to walk away and end all communication with them else they try to manipulate. Hope you find strength and peace x

  109. I would like to say how living with a service man can actually work the other way. My brother and I were brought up with my mother and father. My father was a Royal Marine and we found our lives were scary when he was on leave. He was unloving, a little abusive and always wanted us kids out of the way. Both of us have ended up in controlling abusive marriages, mine far worse than his. I ended up married to a narcissistic sociopath for 19 years. So it can work the other way, that you become submissive, , controlled and abused.

    • I can definitely see that, Susan. You adapt as a child to protect yourself and it only makes sense that you would carry what you learned into your adult relationships. It’s a vicious cycle with seemingly no end.

    • I think this is the direction I’ve headed. Submissive that is. In February of 2012 I finally realized something was off about him. We had been getting along fine until he unleashed a tirade on me once again. Everything in his life and our financial interests were my fault. Everything is always my fault. I was going to therapy and he weaseled his way into that. He began going to her alone and would come back telling me what she thought about me. When I went to therapy on my own she never “diagnosed” him but did tell me that she told him “focus on yourself and not her”. Which I take it that he was trying to tell her all the problems I have. I do have problems but its the fact that I’m an intelligent woman who has 2 children that I adore and I’m stuck in a marriage that allows no difference of opinion or way of thinking. When I try to leave I’m reminded of his mother and 3 sisters being attorney’s.

      I’ve become submissive

    • Sounds all too familiar. But his mother and sisters are not the only attorneys out there. They’re four people, but they aren’t the judges nor are they representative of all lawyers. You need an advocate. Someone who can help you find your power. It’s not always in our wallets even in a divorce. More often than not, it’s in our ability to remain level-headed and determined to be taken seriously. I realize it’s easier said than done. I truly understand how paralyzing your situation must feel.

  110. Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than
    just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and everything.
    However think of if you added some great images or video clips to give your posts more,
    “pop”! Your content is excellent but with images and clips, this website could undeniably be one of the best in its field.
    Excellent blog!

    • I have thought about video, Sympatia. I think you’re right. Many people enjoy the simplicity of a video over just reading something on the screen. Then there’s the fear of getting in front of the camera to overcome. I could always use one of those text-to-video tools like Xtranormal.com and not deal with having my face plastered online. :) Thanks for the suggestion!

  111. Anonymous said:

    Can a whole family be affected by this disorder?

    • Yes. I’ve seen it first-hand in my situation. Brother and mother of my ex were “off,” lets just say. And his family was his only circle outside of a few illegals who SEEMED to admire him. The family unit often shares many, many secrets and answers that they are too unwilling to discuss or that they don’t even recognize as problems or issues in their past. The family will make excuse after excuse for each other, because to them, they are normal.

    • Anonymous said:

      Im married into a family of narcistics..it has been passed down to their offsprings..im debating how much more i can mentally handle them..its ok to stay away from them when possible,and when you need to be with them, do not let them consume you..do your best to repel what u can..maybe see a therapistor a trusting friend to talk with you. Best regards.

  112. Anonymous said:

    I would suggest that she takes him to a behavior specialist and or counselor. Because he is young, he would benefit from either. Keep all sharp objects, weapons locked up..including kitchen knives. I would find the pet a new home. The boy may be mentally ill and sounds harmful to his own family..itscalled tough love..best regards.

  113. Anonymous said:

    OMG, this is my nephew through and through.Hes even told his parents he will stab them in their sleep and burn the house down. He sleeps with his dog under the covers, but my siter found him looking up animal porn last yr. She cant have sharp things in the house ans has no knives as he stabbed his younger brother with scissors. She lives in fear of him and he’s only 13, hes creepy , touches you when you come inthe house which also makes you cringe. He struts about the house with no clothes on and his chest pushed out, trying to look big. He went to army cadets for one week and thinks he knows everything, and has even offered to take on my husband, who has done 23yrs in the army and two wars,; and my brother who has done 15yrs in the army with one war. does anyone know what she could do, as he terrorises his younger brothers and his cousins. Shes never had a violent relationship, but split from his stepdad 11yrs ago.
    So if anyone has any good advice or recommendations of who we would need to see, before he gets older and does something.

    • Anonymous said:

      I’m sorry but the safety of myself and family would be paramount in this situation . I would turn the boy over to an inpatient facility, the state or whoever could work with him 24/7 and keep everyone safe. It is TOTALLY not normal for a 13 yo to be this sadistic and evil and major intervention needs to be made. Immediately. That boy could set a fire in the middle of the night and kill everyone and walk off . Taking away knives and scissors is NOT enough!

    • Army families are often disfunctional and perfect breeding grounds for psychopathy.

    • I have been told this often, Amanda and I. Most military families are unwilling to talk about it, however, probably due to fears and the fact it’s all they know. What are the consequences for discussing this aspect of military families? I do not know.

  114. OMG Cynthia…I am going through EXACTLY the same thing. My Narc has her current victim messaging and attacking ME calling ME a Narcissists! That’s hilarious because I am the biggest bleeding heart there is but once again. my narc turns MY words around and tries to make it look like I am everything I know she is. . It makes me sick that she’s ruining so many lives and getting away with it. She doesn’t have an original thought in her head and she has lived a life of grandiosity, living off the toils of others and leaving them in ruins. It’s truly sickening.

  115. donald burgis said:

    I can apply some of those traits to everyone I’ve known or met in 53 years. Very broad definition don’t buy it!

    • Donald, no one is asking you to buy anything, and no one is saying these traits alone define a narcissistic sociopath. Maybe you should re-read the part about these traits being “an all-pervasive pattern,” which means they are exhibited repeatedly over time with no changes in behavior or attitude.

    • Donald; yes, everyone has some narcissistic traits, some they display more at some point in their life stronger than other times. It is healthy to have a positive self image, believe in youring abilities and many high up professionals exhibit very strong narcissistic tendencies.

      The problem lies in possessing 5 or morrow of the traits because most healthy people are not pathological liars and are governed by a conscience that prevents them from exploiting others for their own gain no matter the consequence are. These people do not have through ability to sympathize and for mother suffer from guilt. Imagine not having a conscience and never suffering guilt…….. What would stop you from leaving a trail of destruction behind you? For most people it is a all nut impossible to get their head around the fact thst’s people exist without a conscience so they assign emotions tp the N that he foes not have and the N is a masterful actor who has studied human behaviour and can mimic emotions he has seen in others.

      Very scary when you have high intelligence, grandiose self image, no guilt or empathy. The ingredients for a monster dressed in human form.

    • Thank you for adding this clarification, Ladywithatruck. My patience is a bit worn today. Tax season and all. :)

    • Marilyn Lundrigan said:

      Obviously Donald, at 53…wisdom has’nt been one of your strong points!!!!!!.

  116. What a great article! So true…every word describes the sociopath/narcissist to a T. My husband is a sociopath and these kinds of people destroy you piece by piece without you ever realizing what is going on… until its too late. I find that many people do not understand what victims of sociopath/narcissist go through and they are quick to judge. Everyone except people who are victims of sociopath or trained psychiatrists. My husband gas lighted me n projected everything that he was onto me and everyone believed him, even my pastor. The pity stories are endless. They are either a hero or a victim. At times I feel that the laws should be altered and updated to offer victims some form of retribution. If they are punished some of their cruelty will be minimized. The damage sociopaths create changes someone’s life forever ( in a very negative way). Even after the sociopath is gone from the victims life they really aren’t gone. I’m not saying you should wallow in self pity but the mess they leave you in psychologically, financially, sometimes physically is just too much. Spiritually they break you down too. I found that if you feed them wrong information it helps counter them. We all know we can’t win them but they hurt you with information about yourself that you feed them thinking they are the people closest to us and never in a million years expecting then to be your worst enemy. A few years ago my doctor found trace amounts of poison in my system and asked me who do I live with. Because of my sociopath husband my health got bad over the years from poison which led to cancer and one thing after the next. All my dreams died in slow motion. I feel like I was in a coma and just woke up and want to know what did I miss? I knew things weren’t right with his moodiness and response but I blamed myself thinking I should be a better wife. I always thought we would have what we initially had ( not realizing it was love bombing). I supported him for years financially and even helped him to open a business. He asked me to quit my job and with the mental abuse I developed anxiety and claustrophobia. He had me right where he wanted me to be… under his feet and dependent on him. Recently I found out he has numerous affairs and women and secret emails. Also things to indicate that he might have several children and wives. But i made the mistake if confronting him. He’s making my life even more of a hell. The mask is unveiled so he’s out to punish and spite and is successful in making others think I’m crazy. The laws in NY ( privacy laws) protect people like him because I can’t inquire if he’s already married or has aliases. So that’s how these people continue their predatory lifestyle. The law is in their favor. And the women conspire with him against me. In my quest for truth I contacted someone he’s having affair with and they conspired to call the police and have me arrested for harassment. Meanwhile the woman keeps fb messaging me. It’s a game to my husband. And to make things worse he has connections ( dirty cops, FBI and rich buddies) so he told me he can set me up and get away with it. The law doesn’t help again as if I report it they come and then my sociopath husband gets more angry and sets me up and I will have no proof. Money talks and I have none but my husband does. He hides all his money and has very little to cover monthly expenses. At times I wonder how he affords his secret lifestyle which leads me to believe that he could be involve in shady things. I haven’t found anything relating to illegal things but he hates laws and believes he’s higher than god. He also loves money and status. So I know he will do whatever to get what he wants. Also he must have lots of money to have all these women. They are with him for money as he’s ugly inside out. He’s not educated but has high intelligence in terms of scheming. He’s a great actor and not one person he deals with will ever think he’s a monster. He also doesn’t live with them too so maybe that’s why. But these people need to be in asylums for sure. It’s hard to see people like them enjoying life and trampling on others to get to where they want to be while you loose and they win…. In every angle! Best thing is to detach and get them out of life but be careful as even when they are out they still mess with you.

    • I forgot to mention… Be very careful with your exit and who you trust. Sociopaths have spies every where. Also it helps to have a prayer life and I do believe in karma. Yoga, exercise and meditation are all good forms of stress relievers … At least temporary. I find that it helps to look forward to something… Like going back to school or planning a trip two years from now. Distraction helps! But good luck to all of you and god bless. Don’t let this person steal your joy…see it as a lesson ( a bitter lesson ) an undeserving lesson but at least we know what a sociopath is. Too bad they don’t teach this in school.

    • Thank you, Cynthia. And you’re right; we should be learning this in school or somewhere! We learn about God and goodness but no one teaches us about the reality of evil people walking beside us. Even as victims/survivors, we don’t want to believe we were treated the way we were treated for no reason other than the fact we existed as an obstacle in the sociopath’s life.

    • Cynthia, it is so hard to acknowledge we are involved with someone who is pure evil, others don’t believe it if you do tell them so it is so easy for them to convince everyone around them and the victim that its the victim who id unstable and mentally disordered. After all, how could we possibly live someone who would plot our murder.

      I often wondered how women we never hear about who die in an “accident” or mysterious illness because of a narcissistic sociopath ire psychopath. My ex tampered with my vehicles, I was sure he would kill keep someday i just ddn’t know when or how but felt helpless to leave. I told my whole family that no matter how I die don’t believe it. I went to the cops and told them “Fyi I am not suicidal”. They laughed at me, he had them all convinced I easier a delusional psychotic bitch thst’s make his life hell.

      I’ve been out of tgeur relationship for 2 1/2 years and just now finding peace and joy in love again.

      The should all be excited to island somewhere and left to feed off of each other.

      How horrible ti find out he was slowly poisoning you.

      Much love and peace to you.

      Once you have slept with the devil and lived to tell about it you find beauty in simplest things; life is never the same; I have found thst’s everyday without him in it is a blessing.

  117. Anonymous said:

    I tried counseling until he pulled a knife in front of my kid and i. I told my counselor who, in turn, had to by law report it to county services which then a detective called asking for me which turned out to be a very intimidating scarey moment..he yelled at me telling me i am done with my counselor..i shouldve kept going. I froze up during the episode and now know i literally shouldve called it in when it happened..its just ongoing nonsense..im stuck and dont see a way out ..

    • Courage, dear. There is always a way out. For your child’s sake, if nothing else, you must leave. Put your plans in place. Get support from trusted family, friends, social services. There is freedom on the other side. Even if he is charming and does everything to win you back after you leave. It is an act. If you are on this site and see the same signs in your partner, get out.

  118. Anonymous said:

    What do you make of this situation: going on 15hard yrs of marriage to an angry, controlling guy who, since before i knew him has this gal who he has a hostory with, je has financially helped her get a house based on a supposed contract for deed which was set up 18yrs ago..she then ook a loan for 75,000.00 and still owes 15,000.00 whicj shouldve been paid off two yrs ago, now she cant pay him and he is still emotionally there for her even though he tells me othwrwise. I told him before we ot married its me or her..needless to say he thinks its ok to have both. He thinks i should befriend her..i wont stoop to her level..so, the srress and anger is taken out on the kids and i. When is enuf , enuf? Im only still withhim til the kis are older..i do not love him..he burnt too many bridges. My heart is scarred. There is too much stress and im mentally tired.

    • I am sorry you are dealing with this. There is a clear disrespect of your vows and your personal boundaries happening in your marriage. Regardless if you think or I think or anyone thinks he’s a narcissist or sociopath, there is harm happening to you and to your children. And it sounds like it’s been happening for 18 years.

      Many women can’t leave or ask for a divorce due to finacial limitations. I understand. It’s not easy. But if your only reason for not spreading your wings and seeking a better life is because of your children, you need to reassess that reason. Children are also emotionally and spiritually scarred and affected through exposure. It’s like second-hand smoke: it’s dangerous just being around the stuff.

      Do you have someone in your life you trust and can talk to? You need a sounding board. Someone who has the time, patience and love for you to listen without prejudice.

    • Anonymous said:

      dont wait until your children are older, it really only damages them further the longer you wait as well. you deserve to be healthy and the only way you will be healthy is to stop allowing him to have his cake and eat it too… You are more valuable than that.. don’t let him treat you this way…..

  119. In some states it is against the law to file papers pertaining to a divorce while the respondent is in a psychiatric hospital. A similar thing happened to me while living in another country. He took advantage of my not being able (or discharged), to travel to
    file a response and request for continuance, whatever the jargon. And after I returned to the US, the decree absolute was delivered to me from him and his criminal legal team. I was still recovering at the time and no encouragment from anyone to seek legal counsel, and in no state of mind to understand the consequences. Know your rights!! I got paid for the sale of the house, but he absconded with wedding gifts I’ve never replaced…. p.s. nor did i get the chance to file for support from him because during the 2 year marriage, I was the worker, he was in school part time. I think I also was contributing to the mortgage payments.

  120. Anonymous said:

    Anonymous, im sorry youre going through unfair situation with the ex..in life, we are dealt with circumstances of which we have no control over. As long as we are in control of ourselves, the rest falls into place. Look at it this way, you are no longer married to the lying man! He is possibly acting out now that you arent around to contol you? He is in the wrong in regards to everything youve shared. Its amazing the nonsense these sociopaths try to pull on us..i pray you are continuing to heal and stay strong in who you are! Be true to yourself always!

  121. Anonymous said:

    I just got divorce and custody papers back in October. I went to the hospital for depression & while I was in there he filed. Never told me about it. He took my kids from me I get to see them 4 times a week for an hour & they are supervised visits. My husband is a narcissistic sociopath. I learned this after too much damage was done. He didn’t pay bills, we lost our house. He didn’t pay the payments on my car, I lost my car. We went from house to house without paying anything ( I was a stay at home mom) He has called the cops while I’m having my visitation with my kids for no reason whatsoever. The list could go on and on. He is EVERYTHING you’ve described here and I think it’s great you are trying to raise awareness. He is definitely making my life a living hell… and I never did a thing to him.

    • I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. The sad irony is that you were probably in the hospital seeking treatment for depression that he caused. And yes, he caused it. Don’t let anyone or him say it was all you. We know that the crazy-making leads to total confusion and desperation.

      My heart is breaking just thinking of the cruelness of his act to file and take your children at your most vulnerable. Good people don’t do that. Good people try to help you when you’re down. But as I stated, he’s the one who pushed you down, so he has no interest in lifting you up.

      But there is hope. You must fight and never give up. Know that you are worthy of your children’s love and affection and that you are 100% fit to parent and be a guiding light in their lives. Do not allow him to make you feel less than that. Use the time away from your children to strengthen your self-love and self-understanding. With every visit, you will get stronger. You will.

    • Anonymous, these bottom feeders are so self centered that if you aren’t supply then they want to destroy you. What better way to break a woman than to take her kids. Don’t let him win, like Paula said, work on yourself between visits, make the best of the visits you can and prove the son of a bitch wrong. I don’t know how old your children are but he can’t fool them forever, kids are amazingly perceptive and all this will backfire on him eventually.

      My ex tried every thing to destroy me, I have been to hell and back, its taken 2 yrs but my life is coming together and it is so wonderful to enjoy life without the worry of a”what will he do to screw it up”. You never know what is around the corner, don’t ever give up; You are a good person and s good mom and you will be rewarded in time.
      Trust in God, Karma, in a fair universe; your time will come.

  122. Anonymous said:

    So, i accepted an apology from a friend who wasnt thinking clearly due to he was served divorce papers, social drinking andd supposedly liked me more than i ever did him..started out as friends then he hoped for the next step..i made boundaries with him from the beginning no more than friends..we havent spoke in a real long time..i got a msg of apology telling me he is sorry for putting me in a bad spot in my life, hes going to a counselor to get better..he almost ended his life and i talked him out of it..geez, he feels eternally grateful, endebted to me..the question being…is further communications ideal or not?

    • Anonymous,
      I am sorry about your friend but it sounds like he is on track to being healthier. Remember, not everyone who behaves with the traits listed here is necessarily afflicted with a personality disorder or sociopathy. (These are characteristics that become a constant over the person’s lifetime.) Sometimes we behave badly for a short term due to unresolved trauma or other stressors like the ones you described. I don’t know how long it’s been for him since he began his counseling, but I would guess its been pretty recent. If you feel uncomfortable getting too close too soon, that’s good. Maybe limit communication, get your feet wet. Your gut will tell you when and if he falls back into harmful behavior. And maybe he’ll prove he’s changed but don’t assume that too soon. We are all human, after all, and if he seems genuine about changing and not harming you or others, just keep maintaining your boundaries and give him a chance. But don’t leave your door hanging wide open. Thanks for commenting. You may get others who chime in, too, with helpful advice. :)

    • Anonymous said:

      So,now this friend is asking me to be a sponsor on an occasional basis. I did tell them i could when im available..no full committment. They accepted this arrangement. M not sureif its a way to force back into their life. Will go with mygut. Theres a little discrepancy which could go back to not talking.

  123. jchristine333@gmail.com said:

    Riley,
    Continue to be firm withthis inmate..think of it this way: he literally has no control of you or your need to be a simple friend! The pointbeing he hasno control ofwho you are ever! Toobad if he wont accept the fact of your needs..what kind of person puts theirneeds in front of your own? One with a selfish , disrespectful thinking process.sorry but if i were you, i would stop all communications with him which may bedifferent for a little while but in reality you are doing yourself a favor! You can do better than him..i do know from experience..best regards.

    • Hi jchristine333 -
      Thank you so sincerely for your reply; yes, it confirms my feelings all day; I correspond with another, and we share faith and I feel so “safe” with his replies and my letters….safe and clean. My daughter said the same thing to me tonight…”stop writing.” I wasn’t looking for romance…..he as I wrote began to show the demeaning, non-empathetic, grandiose and other traits of the narcissist/sociopath about which I’ve done some reading. This site is so important for all the various experiences. My compassionate motive was misspent….some of these men are really in need of psych evaluation, which is available in most states to inmates. The have to request it. What Paula wrote…sure. I’ll share, maybe in the next apropos discussion of women who love too much? Desperate women, dangerous men! I truly feel it has run its course, but ironically his faithfulness in writing did block out some of my loneliness these days….however, I know, no reason to continue. I will try to find a place to answer Paula’s post below.

    • Beware of people who threaten or start to commit suicide if you don’t do something their way. It is a rouse that later will manifest itself in pain and suffering both mental and physical for those who buy into that situation. Remember your scriptures–As a man thinketh so is he. We think then we act even when it is evil or seems to be an unconscious act. Somewhere in the recesses of ones mind there is a place where stored information allows one to exhibit the behaviors he shows . I believe it is called attitude. People can change, but some are like the Lord said with minds seared with a hot iron. They will not change. They are hypocrites a are really good at using others and abusing others emotionally so we feel obligated to help and sorry for them. Don’t buy into this behavior. Your creator did not put you on this earth to be abused just to have a man in your life.

  124. To digress a momen, can anyone offer rational insight on explaining to an inmate of 24 years that our correspondence is to continue as friends, only, since the venue is unreal (just like online relationships). He starts to be critical, demeaning, smug and grandiose. I had feelings at the beginning, nothing like I can love and care for this guy, but there was a certain connection. Now my daughter is furious that I write to a felon. In reaching out to write to him, he shared his humanity with me; there are so many guys in prisons with undiagnosed disorders who need help and medication.
    I just want to step aside and focus on my needs. Of course, for the borderline personality, he is the perfect catch…unavailable detached and incapable of commitment. I have locked up parts, I can feel it, but do not know why I reached out to someone, although at the time I was recovering from some injuries and he met a need for friendship. Good discussion topics, nevertheless.

    • I would say that it isn’t necessary to explain yourself beyond, “I’d like to continue corresponding with you, but would like to do it as a friend rather than as a romantic love connection.”

      It doesn’t matter how you try explaining yourself, he will say “no” to being just friends, so why waste the energy. They can’t be ‘just” friends with anyone because weilding control over “just a friend” isn’t socially acceptable like domestic control and intimate partner control. It seems society overlooks beating your wife, but if you dare try to cause a fight with your freind, look out!
      :)

    • Please correct part of my message if you can., It should say DON’T buy into this behavior. I had typed the word but apparently it did not come through. ThanksI

    • I will. Thank you, Eleanor.

  125. Anonymous said:

    this actually scares me, i show 17 of 20 of the traits……. im gonna be a serial killer???

    • If this scares you, you probably aren’t suffering from a personality disorder. More than likely, you’re young or inexpereinced in relationships. Regardless, if you don’t get your behavior in check, you could end up hurting a lot of people emtionally and possibly in other ways. Not all sociopaths are serial killers, but they all cause relationsl harm. If you don’t care about hurting people repeatedly throughout your life, you’ll just keep doing it. But if you do care, find someone you can talk to about ways you can change your behavior. In most cases, it starts with learning to love and accept yourself with all of your flaws in order to have the capacity to empathize and consider the “other” people in your life. When you stop harming yourself emotionally, physically, or spiritually, you stop harming others.

  126. great discussion, thank you. After corresponding with an inmate after 7 mos. I finally realized he was a narcissist/sociopath, serving life. After I sent a subscription to the prison for him, he fired back that I had not sent photos or ‘anything’, and haven’t shared much of myself! They must life in their own, insulated reality..he cannot relate. I shared what my talents were…no reply…family….no reply….it is all about him, and he’s all about going nowhere. Then there is this vague sense of depersonalization they make you feel….never pity a prisoner, even one on death row. They will not be broken or rehabilitated, even there. They are hard on you, almost cruel. Obviously this ploy of their never acknowledging a woman’s specific strengths, they generalize. I’m so not even replying…no reasoning will help him see his grandiosity, the stories. If you enjoy tough love with dangerous men, make sure you do not find one in prison who is just dying to get out and care for you. No. I have to fade out now, and make excuses.

    • Thank you for sharing this, Riley. With women, they see us archetypically, either cultural or one they have invented in their minds. They have a set of surface characteristics they look for that basically gives them a hard on when they meet a woman that matches them. They fall in love with those very shallow qualities and call that love. I’m glad you realize that now. Would you be willing to share why you chose to correspond with an inmate? No judgement from me. I worked in corrections at one time and pitied and wanted to help many inmates I encountered. I understand if you’d rather not. :)

  127. God yes Paula, I’m so sorry I picked up on those things and helping anonymous. New learnt mistake! Sue West.

    • Don’t apologize, Susan! Your comment is brave and helps validate what others may be suspecting in their gut after reading those comments and others like them elsewhere. XOXO

  128. One more thing, the phrase move on is something my narcisistic sociopath husband would say. Just saying! Sue West

    • I agree with both of your observations, Susan. The subtle use of language (i.e. certain words and oft repeated words) and the claim of being abused and then miraculously declaring he/she is healed and ready for their next relationship. It’s been a long journey for me, too. And it’s only been recent that I feel like I can trust myself enough to love enough and give enough to another. Too many other “red flags” to dissect in the comments by Anonymous. But I think real victims and survivors can pick them out easily. No need to provide coaching on how to be a successful fake victim. Thank you, Susan.

  129. Dear anonymous, It takes much much longer than a year to heal from abuse so for you to be in a new relationship aleady I feel that your feelings arnt correct. You would need time alone to mend. I don’t think you would forgive either as I can’t. If it were done accidently then I could but to be so evil to me, his wife and our two children I don’t think I ever will. Sue west

  130. I like your site but I am pretty shocked that you would tell a man dealing with a female sociopath to look up BPD simply because she’s female. BPDs are not “female psychopaths” or psychopaths at all. That is an emotion dysregulation disorder that is highly treatable. BPDs get into painful relations with sociopaths and will need help too.

    • I realize there are many BPDs who recognize their condition and desperately want to change and get better. However, there are many who don’t even know they are BPD. My reasoning for directing him to descriptions and character trait of BPD is because many Sociopaths display traits of all the Cluster B personality types which are disorders that do cause relational harm to others if gone unchecked or ignored. There are even quite a few borderlines who agree their behavior is hurtful and accept the criticism. But I’m not here to help borderline sufferers. I’m here to help people find answers as to what struck them… Sociopath, borderline, histrionic, anti-social, narcissistic personalities.

  131. Paula—I was fully prepared to leave this “conversation” without another word after realizing just how right you were when you reminded me that engaging Jim is what he is looking for. Notice how your comment about Jim [who is now ‘Anonymous’] “ending up looking desperate talking to himself” came true? But, I had to respond once more to tell you that you HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD when you suggested Jim only wants information to use AGAINST someone else, instead of using it FOR himself. I saw firsthand how Jim has tried repeatedly to control my friend. He knows exactly who I am and his attempts to claim that I don’t know him are another manipulative tactic to get others (you) to feel sympathy for him. I have known my friend over 30 years–he knows this as well—and he knows full well that she has never lied to me about him in any way. I was there when he got caught (and was forced to admit) lying. I have heard the abusive messages he has left her. I have seen the controlling, blaming and suicidal texts he has sent her.

    She lives her life with great authenticity and everyone who knows her admires her. Her social media sites are filled with pictures of her and other people who have known and loved her for many years. There is not one picture of him with any other person (other than his children) on his page, because he has no real friends; he has burned every bridge in his life after being discovered as a fraud.

    He claims I was “snooping into his facebook page” but he has been told in the past that he can adjust his settings to prevent non-friends, like myself, from seeing the content of his page. He allows access to strangers because he desires drama and conflict, and seeks to control and manipulate, and remain the “victim.” He would like people to believe that I am actually his ex, because believing that will add to the drama.

    After I came to her defense here, Jim sent her a long, rambling diatribe, once again, in an effort to verbally abuse her. When she quickly responded to tell him she had no intention of reading his message, he called her a “coward.” That’s right; he called her names for refusing to participate in his game.

    As you see, he’s now retreating after you called him out on the discrepancies in his “story,” which explains why the sum of his friends steadily declines after each of them discover the real Jim.

    • Very interesting, B.B. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

    • If you have ever been in a class with chronic dependent of Bi-Polar spouses and Children you would not be so quick to chastise the writer. I took the class for personal reasons, because I committed to striving to be a good wife. I wanted to know how to correct myself and handle situations so I would not be one who was causing pain to another, I want to go to heaven when I die and hurting others is not on my agenda. I suggest that folks visit AA meetings for CoDependents. We have them where I live and it is a requirement of the CD class to at least attend one. The stories you hear will give you pause and if you are a prayerful person will give you reason to get on your knees on their behalf. For those who are just dissatisfied because you are not getting what you want it will give you a look at the challenges others face and make you appreciate waiting for things and for new opportunities to extend your horizons, Until we get a look at the trials of others we often cannot appreciate how our own situations might be with just a few alterations.

    • You bring up a good point, Eleanor. The more I write and learn about this subject, the more I become cognizant of my own behavior and how it could cause harm. We have all behaved badly on occasion. I want to make sure those occasions for me are fewer moving forward. I don’t want to hurt anyone, either.

  132. *sigh* I know you’re right, Paula, and my friend (Jim’s ex) does a much better job than I of not letting his antics get to her. In fact, she’d probably be upset with me for taking the bait here. It’s just that I (and her other close friends) feel so protective of her. She has been abused by all the people who were supposed to love her throughout her life, and yet she has an uncanny ability to always rise above it. This man (boy) is pure evil, and I need to realize he always will be. My attempts to protect her won’t change that, and will, like you wisely pointed out, only spur him on further. In fact he’s already attempted to contact her because of me getting involved on her behalf here. I appreciate you letting me be a good friend, and thanks for helping me alert her and others to the signs.

    • Anonymous said:

      I have noting to lose or gain. But believe what you will. Can’t help that at all. I know the truth and that’s all that matters to me. Good luck with your frienship with her BB.

    • This is a perfect opportunity to provide BB with the truth that you know, Anonymous. If I had an opportunity to engage in an exchange with my ex’s family and friends (the few he had remaining), I would have used it as an opportunity to detail my experiences and warn them–to explain how his abuse of me affected me and to explain why I was desperate for the truth to be known by all. It does matter that others know the truth that you say you know. If you are trully a victim, you will have no qualms sharing your truth. (You’re on here as an anonymous commenter. No one you know will ever be able to connect any confessions to you.) Go for it, Anonymous. Share your truth. There are other victims here who can relate and will probably chime in with support. If this woman is as bad as you say she is, you must be desperate to connect with others who have experienced the same. (And men do hurt. More than we know. So, it’s not an excuse to say that you don’t hurt because men don’t feel the way women do. Men do. They just have a harder time expressing it openly.) I would jump at the chance to explain myself to my abuser’s family and friends. To correct the lies he has spread and to explain any of my bad behavior as a reaction to his abuses against me.

    • BB I got the creeps reading your ex’s comments (Anonymous or “Jim”). He doesn’t realize that it’s obvious that he is the abuser.

    • They never do; do they? :)

  133. Very interesting information. My ex girlfriend fits completely into the narcissistic sociopath outline. Tragic thing is that I truly loved and cared for her all the while being played. Part of me still cares enough to hope she gets the help she needs. She keeps resurfacing.in my life when other “relationship s” fail. Not even going to attempt to figure out why. But now I have answers.

    • Jim, you are a pathological liar. Everyone who knows you knows what you have tried to do to your ex-girlfriend, to attempt to make yourself look like the victim.

      While you were lucky enough to be her girlfriend, you lied to her, lied about her to your friends and family, as well as her family; you stole from her, you hacked into accounts on her computer, you stalked her, you abused her, you tried to interfere in her new relationship, you threatened suicide as a control tactic, and now you spend half your life posting passive-aggressive comments vaguely directed at her on your Facebook profile and blogs such as this one, knowing that her friends like me will see it and it will get back to her.

      You are clearly the narcissistic sociopath, and true to narcissistic, sociopathic behavior, you are attempting to use strategies like projection, transference, and control, and hiding behind over-the-top religious piousness won’t change the facts .

      The only reason you won’t communicate your real feelings directly to her is because you know her friends would rip you a new one if you tried, because we all see through you. Everyone, including you, knows she is happy, successful, and has no interest in having you back in her life. Don’t confuse her wonderful ability to forgive you and wish you well, with a desire to “resurface” in your life. Your jealousy will destroy you if you don’t get help.

    • If Jim is commenting this way because he is, in fact, the abuser and not the victim, the attention you provide by responding, B.B., is just going to feed him and motivate him to keep seeking pity all over the web and in your circles. Not engaging him in his delusional behavior (if he is the abuser) is best and will also help your friend in the long run. He’ll get bored with you all and move on faster. It’s best to block him on all social media platforms. Your friend and all of her friends know he is lying. So, what he says doesn’t really matter, does it? Eventually, he’ll end up looking desperate talking to himself. :)

    • Jim, you bring up a good point. Although these people lash out at their victims and accuse us of not loving or caring for them, the ironic thing is that we did love and care for them, and as you note, some of us still do. But it’s our love and care that opens the door for them to continue their abuse. We all want to be wanted and these types are very good at making us feel like they want and need us…IN THE BEGINNING. Now that you know what you are up against, you can maintain your boundaries and simply say no to her the next time she resurfaces. I wrote a post related to this. You might find it applies. http://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/keep-your-heart-out-of-his-jar-forever/

    • Anonymous said:

      You have a right to your opinion BB as manipulated and misguided as they may be. But I know the truth who ever you are BB. BB you only know what lies you’ve been told. You don’t know me at all I suspect. I do find it interesting that you snoop into my facebook page just to keep her updated. Intersting behaviour. I know her pattern and I dealt with her behaviour first hand. The personal attacks is what I fully expected. Not being let down there.

    • Anonymous,
      What I find unsettling and interesting about your comments is that there is no inkling of your suffering in your words. You haven’t once said “I feel hurt” or “I feel like I can never trust anyone again.” And by writing “Not being let down there” speaks to your perception of this as being a game, a cat and mouse game.

      You also, disturbingly, seem to be pleased that now you have information to use AGAINST someone else, instead of using it FOR yourself. When real victims/survivors find information like I provide on this page, they are simply flabbergasted and excited to finally understand what happened to them so they don’t keep blaming ONLY themselves for the abuse.

      I’m skeptical because I have seen this behavior before by abusers (men and women) who visit my blog and Facebook pages. The next thing you know you’ll be quickly and magically cured and healed and saying, “I’m only sorry I wasted so much of my life with her because she’s nothing but a X, Y, and Z.” Then you’ll just as suddenly and magically have a new girlfriend.

      But I could be completely wrong. You only left two comments, after all.

    • Anonymous said:

      I understand interpretation completely. It’s been well over a year since she ended this relationship. I have had a lot of time to heal. Am currently developing a new relationship. Trusting someone with the same values I have. I did hurt Paula. For a long time. But healing came. I even forgave. It truly doesn’t matter to me who believes me or what lies are thrown put there. Fact is the abuser is not and was not me. I went in and changed my settings on the social media to only include friends. Blocking her out once and for all. I was given misguided advice to keep allowing her access. Anyway. Do I stop caring? No. But I have moved on. Whether you believe me or not doesn’t matter. Interesting how the narcissistic sociopath can manipulate their friends and try to turn the tables and use others to blame. Not going to post anymore because all I needed was what made up that typeof person. I got my answer. By the way…BB is actually my ex. She used the same words in an email to me. Disturbing. Best wishes!

    • I understand. And I can’t make a determination one way or another regarding the validity of anyone’s comments in a simple comment string. Thank you for taking the time to share as much as you did.

  134. christine said:

    He did ask me before the knife and after”do you want a divorce, fine lets get divorced” i dont know what he would say if i tell him to leqve other thanthehouse and everything in it i hiss and to leave with only the things i came with.
    he protested the separation idea..i told him if i go i get the kids and half of everything its a state law..he said “we’ll see about that”..this is from a man whose had bad relationships before me and still talks to one of his ex girlfriends to this day even though i gave him the ultimatum during marital classes..boy was i blind and stupid! Thanks for tje info

  135. christine said:

    I am looking for help. I am going on15yrs of marriage..in the first year we were having problems because he questioned my whereabouts, my spending habits which consisted of new clothesbut not name brand nor did ever or have i yet spent more than 50.00 on clothes..he always told me how to dress, make food, style myhair and accused me of galavanting which to this day still does. He gives me a hard timw when i try to go to my parents who live onehour from me..blames me fortheproblems we have relationship wise.. i dont put out enough, talks down to me asmy ideas and opinions are invalid. I need to stop holding the kids’ hands, i tend to them too much..wedont love each other..he told mehe doesnt want to come home because he thinks i look at him in discust..i need to get my head screwed on the right way…this iscoming from a man who pulled a knife on me in front of my first grafe biy a few years ago, i told my then counselor and she had to report it to family services who turnedit over to an investigator who called asking for me and thehusband answered the phone before i spoke to thedetective which turned into a terrible dispute, he demanded i stop seeing the counselor, i should talk to him when theres questions..its been a rollercoaster lifesince the knife episode, actually since 17 yrs ago..i am told to not leave with the kids, he needs to get out..do italk with a sheriff and start documenting? i am beyond uncomfortable around himand thekids areas well..i also am monetarily abused along withverbal and emotional..he is soo angry i dont know which stepsshould be taken…ugh!

    • Christine,

      Yes. You need to document the abuse. This site explains why and how: http://documenttheabuse.com

      Also, you need an advocate. Someone you can trust and confide in about what is happening to you now and what happened to you in the past. Your ability to stop thinking like a victim is crucial to the success of your plan to end the marriage or leave.

      How would he react if you told him you want a divorce? Or asked him to leave?

  136. christine said:

    Paula, I am still married to a narcistic guy..i dont know your history in your current situation..I do know that playing with your mind is deceiving, manipulating and may take over who you are if you allow it and him to do so…I would go with your gut and get away from this toxic relationship..best wishes

    • Thank you, Christine. I am no longer in the relationship, but this is great advice for those who haven’t made the choice to leave yet.

    • christine said:

      What sound advice would you give others who are still in a volitile marriage..what made you decide to get out of the marriage..did something major occur or did you get to that point of enuf is enuf?

    • I wasn’t married to him, but that didn’t help me leave any sooner than I should have. There was an incident between the sociopath and my 5-year-old son (not the sociopath’s son) involving a plate of chicken. During this incident, I saw the desperation in my son’s eyes. I watched helplessly as my baby pleaded with this man to stop. But he wouldn’t stop. I wanted to take a fork and jab his eyes out. I knew I couldn’t subject my son to this disgusting man any longer. I ultimately left more for my son than for myself. It’s as if my threshold for pain had not been reached but I snapped out of my stupor during the “chicken” incident. My advice is to listen to your gut, make a plan, tell someone you trust, and be willing to lose everything. But everything material can be regained. It’s your heart and spirit that can’t be salvaged if you wait too long. And remember that you matter and you are worth living a happy and peaceful life. It’s amazing how quickly your freedom and will to keep moving forward returns if you allow it to.

  137. I need support recovering from a whirlwind manipulative, rushed engagement and marriage to a. Narcisstic Sociopath. Member of a Golf Country Club. He was ibdeed too good to be true.
    I gave him back his large engagement ring twice. Even though I was between jobs and had gone through a criminal trauma. He cried and said he “sucked at this”. He had never shown am emotional side except smiling and nodding in agreement enchanted with everything I did.
    However, in my “gut”, I knew something was off..Whenever I would distance myself. The more charming and full of promises he gave. Accomodating my every wish. Agreeable and funny

    • I’m sorry you were sucked in by this person, Paula. They all like to cry like babies when they don’t get their way and the thing they covet tries to walk away. These are their tantrums and how they try pulling us back in. How long was your relationship?

  138. theresa said:

    I have a child with a sociopath and it is hard. He will just walk away from her and blame me, he doesn’t want to see me so he won’t see her. He has been in and out of her life and never consistent, I have allowed it because I didn’t have a father and I feel she deserves one. I have recently found these sites about sociopaths and I know for a fact that he is. The physical abuse to just walking away from me for years. He feels that taking away his presence will punish me and it does. How do I get past this? How do I cut the contact from my daughter? I know he doesn’t care about her, he uses her to hurt me. I have done great this week but feeling really weak today, I just don’t know how to stop loving him.

    • Theresa, I would get a mantra to say over and over to yourself when you feel weak. Mine was “this is easy”. Sounds stupid but saying it out loud to myself helped a lot. I said it and I felt lighter. Get hobbies for you and your daughter, biking, hiking, swimming, etc. to keep your time occupied and to create a healthy life. Think about your daughter instead of yourself. Your job is to create a healthy emotional world for her so she can live a good life. It’s more important than how you feel: weak or strong. Speaking from experience; my kids are grown now, it will get better and easier every month that passes. I focused on my kids and making every day as beautiful as possible. Of course I made mistakes, we all do! Her father will only make things worse for her. Explain to her when she’s older that you are so happy she is exactly who she is. I said things like “your father’s gift to you was life. In an ideal world he would have been better, but being involved with ANYONE who creates an angry unhappy atmosphere isn’t worth it. You can create a happy life with a man that treats you well. Look at all the nice, calm, fun days we had together. They would have been a rollercoaster of unhappiness if we invited him in.” My kids are happy, well adjusted young adults. Good luck to you!

    • Good advice, Rachel. Thank you for sharing.

    • I understand, Theresa. It’s not easy to stop loving someone who you thought loved you. We meet so few people in this life and open up to even fewer. It hurts when we are faced with the reality that the love just stopped. It was switched off on their end. And then we must do the same. But that’s simply impossible, right?

      I recommend to many to visit the site Safe Relationships Magazine of the Institution for Relational Harm Reduction:
      http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

      The site is run by Sandra L. Brown, MA and Jennifer Young, LMHC. Sign up for their newsletter. They also offer individual retreats throughout the year if it’s something you can do for yourself, now or in the near future.

      Rachel offers some great advice above. The only advice I would add is to teach your daughter about boundaries and love her and be the best mother you can be to her. Model love and kindness.

      ~Paula

    • I wish you the very best, you and your baby girl deserve the best.These people love court room drama, mine did anyways.

  139. hi, new here… at the hands of a narcissitic sociopath/pschycopth… i broke up with him in 2009… by 2011 he fully realised i was serious all along.. he then kidnapped me, beat me and tried to murder me… any one who takes these people lightly shuld think again… he destroyed my life, my family, my businesses.. all because i wouldnt sit down, shut up and do what i was told. If they want to hurt you… they will find a way to destroy everything in your life and be sure they watch you as you realise you have lost everything in your life and its their smile you see and you drop to your knees… to take this subject and these people so lightly is a huge mistake…

    • Carla,
      I am so sorry you went through what you went through. Thank you for reinforcing how dangerous these people are and that, as a society, we shouldn’t just brush these types aside. Regardless of their age, young or old, just because they have never been arrested, committed a felony, or had a report filed against them doesn’t mean they are harmless. The attacks and abuse come like a storm, like an ambush. It’s truly difficult for many to imagine and understand. Narcissistic sociopaths act in reaction to something dark and evil inside of them. The victim honestly never sees it coming in the beginning and once it arrives, it’s too late to simply walk away or get out quietly and without a fight. Careful planning and a lot of wishing and hoping is involved. I can’t imagine the nightmare you suffered. I hope you are finding ways to heal and recover and move on to a better life.
      ~Paula XOXO

  140. Lived with one with devastating consequences

  141. Everything you have written here fits my husband’s ex-wife to the T! She has manipulated attorneys and the State to get more child support by sending a letter stating that he never see’s his kids, never pays for anything extra, and that there is no place for his kids to sleep at our house even though we bought full size bunk beds from her so her two kids would have somewhere to sleep when they are here at our house. I bought my house when it was just me and my son. It is only a two bedroom, one bathroom house. When my husband and I got married, we filled the house. There isn’t much room and we bought those bunk beds to accomidate them, and my son is not so happy about it, but we tried.

    She works for an attorney and helped us get the process started for my husband to adopt my son. Then she states in the letter to the State that my husband only adopted him so he wouldn’t have to pay her more child support.

    Oh, I could write for days about all of the stories she has made up, lies she has told on my husband and myself. things that she (an adult) has said about my young son, the flip flop crazy moods where she hates me and then wants to be my best friend, says that she goes overboard to do things for me and I take advantage of her when it is really the other way around,

    She has emailed me all kinds of ridiculous things. I would get long emails about how horrible my husband is to my son and then she would use her position at the law firm she works for stating that she will contact so and so and tell them complete lies. After 9 years of dealing with her, I have finally responded to her email telling her not to contact me anymore.

    Since I have done so, she has contacted my husband on several occassions. To start, she tells him that I had the nerve to tell her not to contact me and that I am trying to get him put in jail. Next, she says that I am not allowed to come to the kids ballgames. She then has one of their sons call him and tell him that he can sit by their Mom at their games. My husband asked if someone told him to say that and he said his Mom did. She then gets on the phone and tells him, “We were once in love so you could sit by me!” She has a childs mind and is stuck in high school because Facebook is so important to her, and she got so upset when my husband wouldn’t accept her friend request and was mad because I deleted her as a friend on Facebook.

    She recently got divorced again because she was cheating on her second husband as well. Even though she was the cheater, she filed for divorce and told everyone that he was cheating on her the entire time they were married. Making him out to be the bad guy and her the victim. The same she did to my husband.

    Now, she has our last name and told my husband that she hopes I don’t have a problem with it because I will just have to get used to it because she was a “our last name” first and she was married to him first. Why that matters, I don’t understand because she filed for divorce from my husband too. I figured her last name would go back to matching the kids. That’s pretty standard.

    She lies to their kids. She makes them pick sides and tells them that we are horrible and we don’t care about them, and they are constantly under pressure. I really wish there was a way that people like this could be committed for treatment. I can only hope that her horrible mental illness will not be passed on to the kids because they are being raised in “her” home and hearing “her” version of events and she is “always” the victim.

    I recently went to a ballgame with my husband. She was livid. She gave me these horrible stares the entire game. Between games, she made several jestures to get me to look at her so I did. She mouthed, “Straight, Trash, B)(*&! You are not supposed to be here!” I just smiled and waived at her. She gave me a little smart smile moving her chin to her shoulder and looked away. Not that she didn’t keep tyring to get my attention the rest of the night, but I just let her stew because I am done with the childish games she plays. Since I don’t want anything to do with her, she is trying to get back with my husband. I have no fear of this ever happening. She is just a complete nut case.

    I am just glad that I saw this blog. You have helped me to realize that I do not want her near my son at all. I didn’t want her near him before I read this, but I am now afraid of what her mental illness could do to my son. I’m just sad that we can’t just move away from her. My husband has kids with her and we love them dearly. If it wasn’t for that….our lives would be far less complicated.

    • Personal,

      I apologize for not responding to your post sooner. I follow a wonderful blogger who is the stepparent and new wife to a husband whose ex-wife is very much like your husband’s ex. I think you would find her posts reinforcing and helpful:

      http://www.kimberlyharding.wordpress.com.

      Thank you for sharing your story and experience with all of us!

      Paula

  142. Are these caregivers caught on a video surveillance sociopaths by virtue of them actually KNOWING they were being filmed and they still abused their patient. Someone told me they thought it was because they were sociopaths who actually like the challenge of not being caught, as if they could be smarter than the camera or in some way in their twisted minds, thought nobody would ever check the camera? It’s hard to understand why someone knowing their on camera would still committ crimes, but we see people walk into stores, schools and other places where it’s common knowledge there are cameras recording them, so what’s up with that? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybiFEVTzGBU

    • Very disturbing but not surprising. It goes along with a sociopath’s belief that who they are and what they do are above us all.

  143. Hi Paula. I married a sociopath, stayed with him for 19 years. Married for 16. I asked him to go 16 months ago. I can’t tell you the pain I’ve been through. I have 2 children who were scared of him but they didn’t say until he left. They don’t see him now at all. I knew things didn’t make sense through our time together like when his father died, barely a tear, when our dog died, no tears. He use to look at me like I was sick because it took me time to get over losing a pet or friend in my life. Its like I was saying his faults to him but didn’t have a clue that I was on the right track. I’ve never been as low as this in my life. I’m so addicted to him, I have no self worth and can’t put myself first for anything, god knows why. I tried to kill myself towards the ens 3 times cos I felt I’d lost the man I loved and cos I had lost my family unit. I struggle everyday not to contact him, no contact is my only way of not being abused anymore and manipulated by him. He had affairs and syphoned our money into his bank accounts, lied and abused friends and family. I could go on but I think we all know what they do by now. I so wish I’d walked away years ago and feel such a complete twat for putting up with him. Please help, I still feel so drawn to him. Is it love or addiction. Yours sincerely Sue.

    • Sue,

      I am so sorry you are going through this pain. You know your husband is abusive, but you still miss and love him. You feel empty without him and like your life is worthless and without meaning. You describe the essence of addiction.

      You are addicted to your toxic relationship. Many are, but you, unlike most, recognize your addiction and want to be set free. There is hope, Sue.

      My recommendation to you is to seek a professional with expertise in relationships, PTSD, and relational abuse. More than likely you have some secrets about yourself and your marriage that you have never shared. You probably have secrets about your life before your marriage that you need to dissect. A counselor can help you carefully explore your history, so you can understand the root cause of your addiction.

      Most people settle with the pain and suffering that addiction and toxic relationships inflict and never seek to change and be transformed. You have already taken the first step out of your suffering toward freedom by asking him to leave. Now it’s time to work on yourself and to learn about and understand what makes Sue special, unique, and worthy of a better life.

      If you can’t do it for yourself at first, do it for your children. You are blessed.

      The following site is a great place to start. They have many years of experience working with victims and survivors. They understand how recovery works and that we are all unique in our healing needs.

      http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

      ~Paula

    • Wow Sue, thanks for sharing because now I know I’m not alone in admitting that I love my Ex thinking about him daily, but truely hating everything he ever did to me in what was a pathetically abusive relation of 18 years. I know him better than anyone and that gives me the right to try to stay somewhat detached from him. Find the quote on the web “You never stop loving someone, you just learn to try to live without them. It is so hard! but with faith in God, you will recover. It is such a long and painful journey of healing. You and I try to get past the fairytales that we lived as a by-product of the waterglobe-life married to a sociopaths.

    • Hi Paula, thank you for the information you gave me, i will make good use of it. I have been totally open about what my ex did o me and i also found his first wife that he was married to for four years. He told me she had left him for another man, it turns out that he raped her on the night she left him and never ever set eyes on him again afterwards. He raped me too just after we were married but some how i shut it away until the night i opened the door to him. I looked at his face and boom i remembered. I need to hate him but cant find it. The good news is is that i have councelling starting soon and yes i know that all of this goes way back into your childhood where you tried so hard to be loved and didnt succeed especially by my father. Im so glad people like you are here, open and honest otherwise what would become of us. X

    • I’m really happy that you will be starting counseling soon, Susan. And there is no need to hate him. I, too, have tried but can’t do it because it just ends up hurting me and the people I love. I discovered that acceptance of myself allowed me to accept what happened without feeling the need to have all of the “whys” answered. With acceptance, the anger and desire to hate vanished. Kind of like magic. Poof!! :)

  144. Thanks for the reply..i have several friends who tell me to not move out make him move..i dont neednor do i want the house or responsibilities i am just looking for anyone currently going through the same instances..i.e.,bullying the kids for no valid reason, yelling when we dont drop what we r doing to help him, like he is a ruler of the universe or whatever is going thru his controlling mind when hes home maybe 3days a week…i couldcarry on but will stop here..i didnt agree to this narcistic marriage the day i married him…

  145. For anyone going thru any form of npd, its ok to talk with a professional..also, take care of yourself first..the sooner you get stronger,the better you will be able to press on and not allow the narcistic person to control you. Ive come to grips that I cant change him but I can change,get stronger and not put up with it

  146. I guess what Iam trying to decide is how,financially, i will make it with2 kids,one with special needs…Ive been a fulltime mom and have a part time job during school. I sense signs of his verbal n emotional turning physical, he is becoming more aggressive towards the kids..help please..i did meet an atty who thinks i can make it with alimony and child support..

    • Jacke,
      I am sorry you and your children are dealing with this. It’s important that your attorney understand your fears and the kind of man your soon-to-be ex-husband is. Many times lawyers are manipulated and fooled along with the rest of us. Press for full disclosure of his financials ASAP. Don’t allow him time to hide his assets. You have children that need support but this man doesn’t care. I’m sure you see that by now. With careful planning, you and your children will be fine. You’ll prosper and blossom out of his control. A new beginning is waiting for you. Keep that in mind at all times. Be courageous and positive and don’t allow him to influence your thoughts and decisions. It’s very difficult to brush that devil off your shoulder but that’s exactly what he is. I’ll be writing a new post this week with a list of great books and resources that might be helpful to you. Take care. :)

  147. This site is an eyeopener as one going through a tough marriage.I was unaware I married an angry,controlling narcistic,voolitale man. I am going to buy this book..its unfortunate that more peoplearent aware of this npd

  148. quite a list of trates and flaws however as always not much counter suggestions to use in dealing with the disorder rffectively on on interpersonal side.

    • The best way to deal is to walk away. This blog brings awareness to this personality disorder so that those being abused or who escaped the abuse can understand what hit them so they can begin their healing and recovery. These types are not capable of true interpersonal give and take because all they do is take. Any attempts to change them or fix them is futile. Sad but true. It’s better to focus on fixing ourselves than worrying about these lost and despicable abusers. If that seems heartless, you’ve never experienced one for yourself and should feel lucky and blessed unless you are one yourself.

  149. Is there somewhere for guys to read up on traits of female sociopaths/narcassists? My girlfriend seems devoid of real remorse for her cheating and incapable of empathy. She has told some outlandish lies, the kind of which I’ve never seen. There are many more problems but I can’t list them all here. Just want to get pointed in the right direction as there doesn’t seem to be much on the female equivalent and would like to see more about it and what if anything can be done.

    • I guess what I’m trying to figure out is if woman who fit the mold of narcissist/sociopath might display it differently, for example not with violence or such overtly violent or bombastic tendencies.

    • Yes, there’s http://www.shrink4men.com/ . Lots of stuff there, which I’ve used in dealing with my own female narc.

    • Thank you, Nyssa. That’s a great site.

    • You may also want to look at all of the Cluster B personality disorders, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder. Remember, even if you can’t pinpoint what could be wrong with her, you recognize that your relationship is toxic and filled with emotional and spiritual abuse, among other things. Put yourself first for a change. Think about your feelings since she can’t. You deserve to be partnered with someone who loves you completely and I’d willing to be accountable and not always shifting blame to others. :)

    • Google -NPD /melanie tonia evans .she coversmale & female.She also has a questionaire that tells if they have NPD.I used my husband traits to see if he was one & yes he is.She jhas everything you need to know.Once you have looked up all of this .go on My Emotional Vampire..men and woman on that also.gives you an insight into npd.And like Paulas it is a very friendly blog.Hope this helps ….Marilyn

  150. Thank you for sharing this helpful information. While I would never wish this experience on anyone, it helps to know I wasn’t alone. After years of therapy

  151. Narcissistic Personality Disorder versus Narcissistic Sociopath is there a difference between the two terms?

    • also how do you tell if someone may also have borderline personality disorder?

    • Zeyra,
      Thank you for all of your recent comments. I am going through them all now and pulling together some resources for you. Answering this question is not easy. Generally, individuals who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder also suffered some sort of intense trauma as a child. Sometimes it’s known to the sufferer and others, sometimes it’s a secret the sufferer holds close, sometimes it’s a trauma only others know and the sufferer is unaware of, and sometimes neither the sufferer nor others know a past trauma exists. BPD is a tough one to diagnose. It’s also a disorder many abusers accuse their victims of having and with good reason because we are experiencing a trauma and reacting with many characteristics of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. But to be BPD, a person would need to demonstrate a certain behavioral pattern over an extended period of time. If you go to the Resources page of http://www.myemotionalvampire.org, select the link to Borderline Personality Disorder to learn more. I hope that helps you. :)

    • Zeyra,
      All sociopaths are narcissists suffering with NPD but not all people who suffer from NPD are sociopaths. I tack on “Narcissistic” so those learning about sociopaths keep in mind the connection to NPD and start there. Many suggest that Anti-social Personality Disorder sums up the two (NPD and Sociopathy) easily, also. ~Paula

  152. Anonymous said:

    Very helpful to read your article. I am sure my ex-husband is a narcisstic sociopath as I can tick every single behavioural trait yet can’t do that for anyone else I know. I have also found the comments useful particularly from Tabi to Ronda about not responding as there is no point. Our son I am glad is not at all like his father but I am keen to protect him from his influence. Luckily his father is I think out of spite and fury because I am controlling access refusing to see him at all. While we were together it was harder to pin point as he was so manipulative and was so good at lying. However after we split up and a lot of unpleasant truths about him emerged he dropped the mask and I’ve seen him for who he is. It’s quite scarey that there is just emptiness behind his eyes where other people have a conscience. I used to think he was very calm but then he had these random angry outbursts where he was violent towards his children (my step-children) which is why I put an end to the relationship along with never ending infidelity. Now I can see why that was. I couldn’t understand why when we were together he was so cold and unemotional no matter what was going on. He would fake friendliness/empathy/kindness and even had a different pitch to his voice when he was doing it like he was playing at being another person. He had lots of people he would go and see or talk to but said none of them were his friends, they all seemed to serve a purpose of some kind. Anyway I guess all of us who have been with someone like this have got lots of terrible experiences. My biggest shock was realising I have no idea who I was married to and probably never will. It has certainly made me wary of very charming, dominant men.

    • That was the frightening part for me, too. Even though he was overtly narcissistic and emotionally and verbally abusive, it wasn’t until I escaped did I see the degree of his disordered and dark mind. I digested and went back and forth in my mind occasions and incidents and asked my family and even had HIS friends reach out to me to offer their insight. But, as you note, I will never REALLY know what or who that person was/is. I honestly don’t care. I just know I want no part of him or his delusional and enabling family.

  153. I live with a horribly abusive sociopath who has destroyed the relationship I had with my only child. I am 57; I support this gross parasite, and socially isolated. I want to get out but am afraid. Ideas?

    Thanks

    PS. I totally agree with the distinction between psychopath and sociopath; my husband does have a broken conscience. Does me little good but his ego clearly has its vulnerabilities

    • Janet,
      Everyone who has been where you are now knows what a difficult position you are in. The first step, is to free yourself from your place of co-dependence. Otherwise, you’ll keep coming up with reasons and excuses to stay and remain in his dungeon. There is a great book that could help get you started: “Co-dependent No More” Plus, if you have access to private counseling, that would be reinforcing. And keep reading stories of others who have left and learn from them how they did it. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but everyone needed to find the strength and courage to put ourselves first. :)

    • Margaret Turner said:

      Read the book, Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them, Aunt Alex’s Army Manual:How To Free Yourself From the Narcissist buy ALexandra Nouri

    • I’ll check it out. Thank you, Margaret.

  154. There is a difference; however thin, between a psychopath and a sociopath, which Dr. Robert D. Hare also clearly explains in his referenced book “Without Conscience”. a psychopath is one who is born without a conscience, while a sociopath is one who is a product of his environment and upbringing. A sociopath, unlike the psychopath, does have a conscience, yet warped. They have certain moral codes of their own, if broken, they can feel guilt, while a psychopath has none.

    • Oh, yes. Many of us are familiar with the distinction between psychopath (never a conscience; never empathy) and the sociopath (part-time conscience; manifested empathy). I see the value in the distinction for researchers and people interested in understanding what makes these disordered minds click. However, the distinction serves no purpose to the victim or survivor. In my opinion, a part-time conscience is the same as no conscience. You either have a full conscience or you don’t. No healthy person with a conscience and empathy deserves to go into a relationship with someone who may or may not have a conscience or empathy and who may or may not have one under certain circumstances. Neither a sociopath nor psychopath has any business being in a relationship with a good person who sees the world through a healthy lens. Born or made. Neither deserves my pity, forgiveness, or sympathy if they are hurting people. Thanks for commenting, Juditta.

    • marilyn-uk said:

      I see your point juditta,however with a sociapath surely if they have even the smallest piece of conscience born from their environment & upbringing.As an adult..they still have a choice to go on the right path.My upbringing was horrendous, abused sexually, emotionally abused and beaten most of the time.Yet even as a child i new that I wasnt going down the same road as my parents etc.so we can make good choices to be a warm emotional human being.Its whether or not they want too.Its called CHOICE!!!and I agree with Paula,if they are hurting people, they made the WRONG choice so I have no sympathy.If people dont have a conscience whether its part-time(sociapath) they dont have a heart….enough said..

    • This is so spot on!

  155. Anonymous said:

    I am going through a very rough and dangerous time with my exhusband who I suspect is a narc. sociopath. My children have to visit with him, and it’s terrifying. I never know if I will see them again. He manipulates and controls every scenario possible and cares nothing about the kids – only in that he uses them to control me. He’s high up in law enforcement at the federal level, and lied his way in. I don’t know what to do to protect my kids and myself any further than what I’ve been doing. He’s gotten out of retraining orders (despite the use of weapons to threaten myself and others), child abuse cases, and much more. He has an unlimited source of parental money, and can continually sue/appeal for more custody. I feel like I could write a book, and I’m terrified of what the ending might be. I wish someone could help… but no one can. He doesn’t leave ‘proof’. It’s he/said she/said, and he lies and manipulates to make his actions seem reasonable. I’m terrified for my kids. I wish I had some help, or some judge or authority figure that could help us.

    • Anonymous,
      It’s difficult when the abuser is in a position of power or has powerful friends. However, if he is manipulating you and emotionally blackmailing and abusing your children, chances are he’s doing it to others he comes into contact on a regular basis. There are people out there who don’t like him, I guarantee it! The key is having patience, documenting everything, and appearing 100% compliant. Your children’s safety is riding on your ability not to react emotionally to him or his behavior. But you need to confide in someone other than a close family member about your fears. You need to tell someone your story. The entire story: How you met. What it was like before you married him. What it was like while you were married to him. What it’s like now. The full story must be shared and understood. Your behavior needs a clear reason. What were his actions that resulted in your reactions? People don’t suspect a person is evil for no good reason. It’s a built up of many, many months and years of poor and worsening behavior and demonstrated lack of remorse or empathy. What are the names he liked to call you or continues to call you? What demeaning language does he use with the children? What were his common ways of responding to you when your opinions countered his own? Healthy people don’t resort to degrading tactics when in arguments or disagreements with those they supposedly love/d. Healthy people don’t try keeping their children from being with the other parent no matter how emotionally unstable or distraught the parent may be. A healthy person finds the parent help in order to be the best parent he/she can be for the children. If you look at your ex-husband as a father who lacks necessary parenting skills of love, affection, compassion, and empathy, you may be able to convince a judge to have him undergo a psychological evaluation. But YOU can’t appear emotionally charged or irrational. You need a lot of support and people you trust in your corner. You need to change everything about how you cope and deal with your ex- husband. There is no easy solution and there is not definitive answer when trying to protect your children. Me telling you not to be too emotional probably isn’t what you want to read, either. What has worked for you to date when protecting your children? What hasn’t worked?

  156. Anonymous said:

    I am going through a very rough and dangerous time with my exhusband who I suspect is a narc. sociopath. My children have to visit with him, and it’s terrifying. I never know if I will see them again. He manipulates and controls every scenario possible and cares nothing about the kids – only in that he uses them to control me. He’s high up in law enforcement at the federal level, and lied his way in. I don’t know what to do to protect my kids and myself any further than what I’ve been doing. He’s gotten out of retraining orders (despite the use of weapons to threaten myself and others), child abuse cases, and much more. He has an unlimited source of parental money, and can continually sue/appeal for more custody. I feel like I could write a book, and I’m terrified of what the ending might be. I wish someone could help… but no one can. He doesn’t leave ‘proof’. It’s he/said she/said, and he lies and manipulates to make his actions seem reasonable. I’m terrified for my kids. I wish I had some help, or some judge or authority figure that could help us.

  157. marilyn-uk said:

    Go Paula,On Hegros comments. WHAT A CHUMP…like I said before to the other idiot Darryl…..

    To be irritated by your comments is to acknowledge it was deserved.

    • Thank you, Marilyn. I did delete it finally. It’s not healthy for anyone to read that kind of ignorance. :) (And your comment was put in the review queue only because you used their names in your comment. Hehe!!)

  158. And come up with a better insult than “borderline,” Please!!! That’s old. Ineffective. And so cliche!! Haha!

    • I dont quite understand why he would be on here if he thinks this way, unless he is a NS himself and likes to spread his victim portfolio to people online :/

    • Exactly, Max. I had to delete his comment because it’s abusive and doesn’t help anyone. Not even him. :)

  159. Bahaha! I am leaving your comment up, because it’s so absurd and speaks to exactly what I write about–ABUSE!! Way to go, Hegro. Coward! You won’t even provide a real email address. But I have your IP address, dummy. :)

  160. How many of the sociopathic traits are supposed to apply?

    The funny thing is, when I look at that list thinking of my ex-friends, when one doesn’t fit a trait, the other one does. The two of them together make up at least one sociopath… ;)

    • How old are your ex-friends? Many teenagers and young adults display many, many narcissistic traits and behavior. As our brains continue to develop and we experience more life and learn better cognitive skills, we shed ourselves of those relationship-damning narcissistic traits. :)

    • One will soon be 40, and the other must be about 31 or 32.

    • What are their overlapping qualities from the list? Were they also friends with each other? It’s a funny thing. Friends who have been friends since childhood tend to be REALLY childish when together, even after they reach adulthood. I’m sure there’s a name psychiatrists have come up with with this type of behavioral regression. Hehe!

    • Actually, they’re married to each other.

      It’s things like, he fits #20, 15, 13, 9, 11, 2, 1, possibly others; I suspect him to have been very manipulative and deceptive as well. She fits #11, 10, 8, 6, 3, and I’ve noted various times when she has lied and manipulated. This is just based on the short time I knew them, so they could fit other points as well.

    • Holy cow!! I’m sure there are others. Are they still married? I think these types just feed each other and are the best matches they can find. But they can be deadly for outsiders…

    • As far as I know. They’re the ones who threatened me and started stalking my blog.

    • Makes total sense. I hope they are far, far away from you. Sometimes a sociopath is “lucky” enough to meet a kindred soul, another sociopath. The majority of the time, the sociopath must “make” his/her own kindred spirit by destroying the spirit of a vulnerable “good” person and molding that person into the sociopath’s image. It seems they play “well” off of each other. If you knew either as children or teenagers, you might be able to figure out what this couple represents.

    • No, I met them on the Net several years ago. Unfortunately, they now live just a few neighborhoods away from me. :P Sometimes they show up at my church; we see them around town from time to time.

      But they’ve told me plenty about their pasts. The wife comes from a narcissistic family with a borderline/MPD mother and a con man and molester for a father. She has a fierce temper which she turned on me.

      The husband was actually a preacher for a time, faked speaking in tongues for the congregation, was rising in the ranks. I’m told some televangelists wanted him to go that route. But back in Bible college–yes, Bible college–he would help out a friend and girlfriend whose families were in the Mafia. Running smuggled jewels between Las Vegas and LA, acting as a thug, that’s what he would do. It seems hard to believe, but he told a mutual friend the same thing. Then a couple years ago, he choked one of his daughters until she passed out. He just got off probation for that. He also tells me he can hypnotize people without them knowing, that he did this to me.

      …And these people lived in my house for a time. They were hard up, I had no idea of their past, I let them stay….UGH. We kept helping them out with bills, or food, or whatever….Now we feel used and manipulated. I see their lawsuit threat as a way to extort more money out of us, especially since I see no legal basis for it. I don’t use their names, I just write about my experiences with them. Apparently they see it as me “threatening” them that I keep speaking out and would go to my priest for counseling and help.

    • Horrible people. Both of them. They are empty threats. There is nothing they can do. Novelists write about their experiences all the time. It’s called free speech. If they recognize themselves in what you write and it causes them duress, they should stop reading it. People get “bothered” by a lot of things other people have to say or write. They should stop listening and reading. They have no grounds for a suit even a “by association” argument. If what you write are lies, they should just laugh it off. Otherwise, maybe they should think about behaving better in the future. :)

    • Yeah, but they seem to be obsessed with checking out what I write. :D It’s been 7 months since their threat to sue me for defamation if I went to my priest. Well, I went to my priest the very next day. At first I took down my blog in fear, but then I put it back up again in defiance. And to this day I have not been served any lawsuit papers.

    • Did they think they can subpoena a priest?!?! A confession to a priest or clergy is protected. Do they think you’re stupid or just that afraid of them? I’d post the name of the boy in my story all over the Internet if I thought it mattered. It doesn’t because what I write about and what you write about is bigger than those losers. My goal was for him to be made aware of how I really think/thought of him. I made that goal months ago and now i am on to bigger goals. You too!!!

    • Yep, they know for sure now what I think of them. :)

    • It’s also funny that they act so concerned about what I post that they check it weekly, sometimes two or three times a week. I don’t even open comments, and most of my hits are from Google searches. Do they really think my blog will do anything at all to their reputations?

    • Their biggest fear is getting “found out!” Getting found out causes them lots of anxiety and stress. They should have thought about that before they treated you the way they treated you. Reputation hinges on word-of-mouth. They should learn to be nicer to people. Regardless of mistakes a person makes, people will still like and respect you if you are honest and willing to take responsibility. Their threats prove they deserve a bad reputation. You must work for a good one, right!?! :)

    • I also noted that while they accused me of “false facts” and said they “had a good laugh” at the things I wrote, and said that I “didn’t have all the facts” about the choking incident–They just called me crazy and threatened to sue me. But there was absolutely no attempt to point out *what* was false, explain things I may have misunderstood or gotten wrong, or anything at all to make me think I could have gotten anything wrong. I have no idea what they considered “false” and can only speculate. They gave no additional information about the choking incident than what I got from official sources. All I know is that I did not lie and did my best with the information and experiences I had, from being an eyewitness and a confidant, and having a mutual friend with more information. I looked over my accounts again and again, and could find no lies. Wouldn’t you think that if there really was anything incorrect, they would explain it? No attempt even to apologize for hurting my feelings. No attempt to clear up misunderstandings. Just flinging more abuse at me and saying they did nothing wrong. Amazing.

    • They laughed because they initially thought it was exciting and fun to know you were talking and writing about them. (Narcissistic supply but fleeting). The laughter subsided when they realized no one else would think their behavior was funny. They panicked and sent you the threat of a suit. They are small in mind and spirit. They deserve to be found out.

  161. Anonymous, I do empathise. I cry for my ex every day. He is a complex wonderful man deprived of the ability to reap the fruit of life by his condition. He destroys the lives of the very people he loves and the closer and deeper his affection for them the more he destroys. What an awful paradox. I understand him, empathise deeply for his pain but sadly I must feel my own pain and keep away for good before he kills me and believe me he very nearly did. It will take a long time to clear up the mess left over.

    • You sound just like me! It is incredible. I fell hard for this man. The funny thing is I fell for him without any good reason. He lied to me from day one! We got together one day then the next he was with his ex-girlfriend! I didn’t found out the truth until 11 months later. He began to watch porn and I found out about it. He swore he wasn’t gonna watch it anymore. We broke up one time and I went back to his house an hour later and he was watching porn! He then got on these adult websites lookin for sex! That’s where he needs to be since he doesn’t care for anybody. He tries to make it like I’m the bad person. He is an alcoholic and had been sober for 6 yrs and then blamed me for his drinking. He uses God as a cover. He tries to act like he is getting right with God so people will think he is a good person. I’m so glad to be away from him. I really loved him but I know I’m better off without him. He can be violent especially when I call his friends. He is so afraid of being exposed! I exposed him to one of his religious friends who thought he was living a christian life but he was sleeping with me. He didn’t know he was dating. He was so mad and hasn’t spoken to this man in almost 2 yrs. Be glad u r away from this person. It really hurts but there is only pain with these people!

    • I read about both of your comments, exactly like mine. I’m in processing divorce now. Still miss him like crazy :(, but i knew I have to let go and move on. He is a bad person with bad behavior. Thank you for sharing.

  162. I can see how the victims can feel. But for once, please empathize with how the narcissistic sociopath would feel too. Nobody becomes one without reason. I voice this strongly because I am one. I regret my actions because of the hurt I have caused. Is there a way out of this?

    • Its great that you have accepted your condition and feel regret. That is an enormous feat. I do know that my ex brother in law had a step father who treated him much the same as he now treats others. His brothers dont seem to have come away with the same issues, but they all definitely have them. It is important to remember that fact. But at the same time, it is difficult to feel anything for a man who has abused his children their entire lives. The trouble with this particular condition, is those who dont come to terms with it, mostly feel what is described above in the article. Superior, above everyday responsibilities, that those around him are tools for his manipulation games. Maybe somewhere deep inside, he does know what he is doing is wrong but then again, he had a loving wife who looked after him and stuck with him for fourteen years. He had three children who adored him regardless of how he treated them! He was in a positive loving environment. I too feel strongly, that if he had any remorse at all, any regrets for the way he treated his children and my sister, then he would have shown some sign by now. Instead he continuously hurts the children and uses them as a tool to get to my sister. He has been abusing her since she was fourteen! I think her empathy is now on zero! It is different in all cases. In some cases such as yourself, i do believe that both the narcissist and his victims can work together to each overcome their problems. As you say, the narcissist is most likely a victim too. However, like with any problems, if you know youre hurting other people as a result, it is your responsibility and no one else’s to seek help. If this is what you have done, then you are the hope that all the people on this forum look for!

    • It sounds like you’re making a good start. If only my partner had had the humility to accept he had a problem we could have worked through it but he was sadly unable or unwilling to respect me as his equal.Life is unfortunately humbling at times and by taking a deep breath and taking five before reacting it can be possible to change how we respond. Also I guess by thinking about how you’d feel if someone said or did the same to you how would you feel. To be honest I doubt that a true sociopath would have the insight to do this or feel any remorse at all or even reflect on someone else’s pain. My ex laughed at and ridiculed my pain as it reinforced to him just how weak and inferior I was to him. Take care.

    • Anonymous: i am now feeling sorry for the people that I have run into with Sociopathy, Narcissism, and/or Borderline. These people will never truly feel love, everything is a manipulative and “using” situation. Yes, I feel sorry for how alone these people must feel, never ever feeling truly connected…but the damage that is inflicted to the innocents can never be forgiven. That is until the sociopath, narcissist, and/or borderline makes amends with those that they harmed.

      I believe AA has a step in the recovery process where making amends with those people that the addict harmed in the past is required to move on to the other steps.

      I think any one with a destructive personality disorder can benefit off of the steps involved in AA. People harmed by you or others with a personality disorder can at the least allow some healing for others with your heartfelt remorse for previous bad behaviors…and perhaps your own recovery may ensue…

      But to be “heartfelt” about anything, you must open up and expose your soul…the people that I’ve encountered with destructive personality disorders cannot/will not do that…and this is unfortunate for everyone involved (victim and perpetrator).

  163. Wish there were more men like yourself,the world would be better place.I suppose we have a melting pot of people to make the world go around.Marilyn.Uk

    • As long as you dont close yourself up and build a barrier around yourself, then you will be open for those few special people who are good and honest when they come along!They are out there, but if you let him destroy your confidence and your trust in people, the good ones will pass you by without you even knowing. The trick is learning to let people in but spot the negative ones who are no good for you and show them to the door. If you can surround yourself with positive people and work everyday to live happily, his power over you will be lost forever, and it will all feel like a bad dream. Then you can pity the poor man who will never know true love or happiness, and feel good that you can and will!

    • Yes there is a step where u have to make amends in AA but how many of these people are going to b honest? Most of them don’t have the ability and if they do it it is only for the sake of keeping up the pretense of being good people. I’m not a big fan of AA only because most of them need some serious psychotherapy!

    • I agree! I haven’t figured out why they are so against counseling from professionals. :)

    • Paula, the reason they are against counseling is because they are perfect, they are not the ones with the problem. You are, at least thats what they will always tell you. I am almost over getting a divorce from my wife. It started out beautiful and ended up a total mess, I am substantually poorer but wiser. Four and a half years and I should have pulled the divorce trigger 2 years ago, But 5 different counselors later trying to sort it out was a complete waste of time and money. All I can say to anyone is, once you know, get out as fast as you can! It only gets worse!

    • I agree 100%, Joe. Any attempt to engage the crazy-making, will simply beget more crazy-making BS. I’m glad you survived. Money can always be re-earned. Our minds are much more difficult to replenish. But it’s VERY possible! It happens every day. :)

  164. Hi Max,
    Thanks for your comment,it really helped.I refer to narcisistic people as narcs because the majority of comments seem to use the word.I thought it was a american slang word,but not sure…..??? i am trying not to get sucked into my husbands emotional detachment that he uses frequently.And now have started therapy which started last Thursday so hopefully I will eventually be able to get my life back on track,before this monster drowns me emotionally.God Bless.marilyn

    • Well done for seeking help! We are all more than capable of becoming strong again and moving on. I hope you get there soon! Keep positive and never give up!

  165. Hi ,I dont know how old your neice is ,but it could be too late.My middle son turned out like his father,he is 32 now and treats his girlfriend the same way.But she wont listen to meIi guess they think they know better to change’them.If you can find a ounce of empathy with your neice there is hope….As for the courts they need to wake up!!!Fathers for justice is about genuine fathers who have been shut out of their childrens lives ,and the Narcs have just jumped on the back of this to manipulate the system.Have a look at Narcissism/Melonie Tonia Evans.She has article for for children of narc….I am so pleased your sister has moved on.As for her being hard,Im trying to find out myself if this is normal,as im petrified I may turn out like my husband, Im detaching emotionally from my family because he has them believing its me thats crazy.Im not sure how I feel,Im like numb to everyone..Maybe your sister could give me some advice.Marilyn UK

    • Thanks for sharing Marilyn. I think the most important thing to remember and to remind yourself, is that not everyone is like your husband. These types of people are like snake charmers. Sometimes the best thing to do is try and separate yourself from your surroundings and environment and look at everything from a birds-eye view. It sounds like he has ensnared the rest of your family, but in the end, it is a fact that narcs, as you call them, are not good at long term relationships. Eventually they will see the truth and that is all you can hope for. If you can separate yourself from it all and remind yourself of these things, then maybe you wont feel so hurt. Your husband acts the way he does because he has a mental condition. Your family acts the way they do because part of his condition is manipulation and always trying to look his best and come across as a great guy because he needs constant praise and admiration. In that sort of equation, you cant be held accountable for anything. Its not you. I cant think of the word i want, but i think becoming almost like a professional will help to see the situation for what it is. Dont be sucked in to his mind games. Dont let his manipulation get to you. Stay one step ahead, stay confident in yourself, and remember that the blame lies on him, not you. When you feel overwhelmed by something, look over the situation again from this perspective. See things from the view that he is mentally ill. But also remember that he is one man, he doesnt have any real power over you. The power he has is to make you THINK he does. Of course because this is how you have to be to survive these situations, you can become hard, which leads me back to my initial comment. You have to remind yourself that not everybody is like your husband. The world isnt your enemy and not everyone is cruel and manipulative, so its ok to let your guard down with the right people. People in your situation need to try and stay strong and you need to constantly say to yourself, im a person and i dont deserve to be treated like this. We all have the power to make ourselves happy, its just a case of finding the strength to do it. That is the hardest part. I hope you succeed and can one day be free of his grasp! All of this is easy to say but its not easy to do, but i hope in some way it may help a little.

      Best wishes, Max.

  166. Reply to Max, I have been in this for 34 yrs not through choice but through finacial reasons and the fact that he has done the same to me as your sister ex has done by turning everyone against us.I have now found the strength to do something about it.What you need is a good lawyer who understands narcissim,if he dos’nt make him aware.This website is great.print off and show him,also there is another on,go onto google put in narcissism/melonie tonia evans.Her website cover all with help for children as well as how to rid these people for good.Hope your sister gets help hun…Im thinking of her and the children.God bless.Marilyn.United Kingdom

    • Thank you Marilyn. Its such a bizarre situation. I have known him since i was a baby, as he and my sister have been together since she was 14, and there is 11 years between us. I think the worst part is that he has been manipulating them their entire lives. The eldest son in particular has suffered, because he didnt give his dad as much attention and devotion as the other two. He made him sing ‘im a barbie girl’ in public to humiliate him and also lets the daughter choose his punishments if he does something wrong. As a consequence, she has no fear of authority as she believes she is the authority. She tells lies and hides her mums things, just to make her upset. She stole the youngest sons birthday money and hid it in the eldest brothers room, just to get him into trouble. We have taken her to a counselling, my sister gives her so much of her attention and always goes that extra mile to make her feel loved and to try and help her make friends etc, but nothing seems to work. Somehow, the eldest son has come out of this with a darling personality and seemingly no behavioural issues other than his learning difficulties. It is so frustrating to have this sort of abuse going on in front of our very eyes and see it effect the children but being powerless to do anything about it. They have been divorced for a long time now and my sister has remarried. But the courts have spoken and thanks for fathers for justice, sarah has no authority. It would help if the children spoke up more, but the youngest is 9 and he gets terribly upset at the thought of upsetting his dad. He has no qualms with telling the children how upset he will be and how much he will cry if they dont see him. For a long time when he dropped them off, he would focus on the youngest boy saying “i love, ill miss you, im sad youre leaving” and it would go on for about ten minutes until by the time my nephew came in the house he would be hysterical and so upset. He did it on purpose, to show sarah how much the children love him and how terrible she is for separating them.

      Im really happy you found the strength to get out of your situation. Its such an emotionally draining situation. It eats away at you piece by piece. I know my sister wasnt allowed to wear makeup or use the car. She virtually became a recluse. He also used to be funny with food, and she put on a lot of weight. She was too shy to even walk to the shops herself. But she managed to divorce him, take him to court, get a job, and support herself and three children. The effects is that she is now a hard person but it was inevitable for that to happen in order to deal with the situation. He just will never leave. I pray for the day when the children have grown and they can see him for what he really is and choose with confidence to kick him to the curb. I hope with all my heart that my niece has not inherited his condition.

    • Thank you for being so open, Max. I’m working on pulling together more resources to share and will post here once completed. Children desperately need to be heard and put first, even above the rights of their parents in all cases. They are the ones who suffer the most if their needs are ignored.

    • Oh my Paula, my daughter’s children would ALWAYS come in crying when their dad dropped them off, and he would always sit in the driveway with them for about 10 minutes….we never could figure out what was wrong! Thank you for what is most likely a clarification!

      _____

    • Thank you for sharing your advice and perspective, Marilyn. I hope to create a more comprehensive page of resources, especially for those struggling with protecting their children. I’ll post here once done. :)

  167. Thank you for responding. I guess you are right, all we can do is try to clean up his mess as much as possible. I fear in regards to his daughter, the damage is done. Maybe in the future, there will be more awareness about psychological abuse, particularly in regards to divorced adults with children involved. Thanks again.

    • That’s why I keep writing: to bring awareness in hopes of making a change some day. There are people making films, writing their stories, fighting these monsters in court, losing their children to them even after screaming to the courts what is happening. No one seems to want to face reality or want to tackle this. No one in power who could actually make a difference, at least. So, blogs like this keep popping up. More and more victims/survivors are coming forward and telling their stories. There is a movement. I feel it. But the momentum is very hard to maintain. I ask my readers and visitors to share my blog and find others like it to share.

      And it’s never too late to help a child. I know you feel otherwise but just don’t give up on your niece. Change will happen with increased word-of-mouth communications and through empowerment of victims/survivors to tell their stories.

  168. Ana Velez said:

    You just described my Aunt…right down to the T

    • My sister was married to a narcissistic sociopath for years. They have three children. She was finally able to divorce after 11 years of abuse. Unfortunately he has visitation rights to see the kids. He sees them every fortnight and over holidays etc. Some of the things he does to those kids…he threatens to break their toys if they dont do what he wants, he has pornography all over the house which the kids have seen, he tells them he will cry of they dont come to see him, and when one of them doesnt go to see him, he will make an effort to do all the things they like the most with the other two to make them feel shitty about not going. Its disgusting. In regards to the pornography, social services was involved but they did nothing. Its effecting the childrens behaviour and their personalities. She needs him to lose his visitation rights, but how? He is an expert at coming across as a great funny guy. He even convinced all of my sisters friends that she was the bad guy when they got divorced, and they all became his friends and stopped talking to her! He became systematically would show up at the school when my sister was picking up the kids, would become friends with her friends, and when my sister would be invited with her new husband to parties he would be there!! The children cry constantly. But what can we do? How, even with knowing he has this mental condition, can we get him our of out lives? How can we protect the children? Will a court take his mental illness into consideration? What if he isnt professionally diagnosed? Its all well and good having all these articles describing how shitty these people are, but how do we deal with them!!! Please help V____________V

    • Max,
      I wish there were easy answers for what to do when there are children involved. In the U.S., the courts are blind to the emotional abuse of parents with disorders such as narcissism and sociopathy. Parental rights, regardless of how abusive the parent, are placed above children’s rights. Other than keeping a journal of events, there’s little that can be done legally.

      However, children of these types need to learn about boundaries at an early age. They need to understand that the indecent behaviors of others are not a reflection of the children. They need to receive lots of love and reinforcement from the healthy parent. They need to be empowered to speak up when they feel they are bring mistreated. They need to learn that feelings of guilt should be discussed and not tucked away. Bottom line, the healthy parent must be as hands on and as open to communication as possible. Ask the children how they feel and why they feel that way. And always let them know how much they are loved and valued as individuals. The unhealthy parent will try destroying their self worth and self esteem. The healthy parent needs to counter and fight this as much as possible through good old fashioned love and kindness and respect. The children’s emotional needs can’t be abandoned.

      I hope this helps a little. Thanks for commenting. :)

  169. GiRRL_Earth said:

    Holy cow! I read through this post and saw so much of an ex friend in each of these descriptions, especially:

    “In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.”

    My ex frenemy had it in for me and I didn’t realize it until the very end, when she put the moves on my husband!!! Thankfully, she is no longer part of my life! I guess I should consider myself lucky.

    • Ana Velez said:

      I had my battles with my Aunt but what put icing on the cake and hell broke loose was when she came on to my Husband and told him she loves him in front of her husband which he didnt even blink because he is so far gone thats how manipulative she is..a woman who raised me and never in my 37 yrs of life ever told me she loved me just plain evil abuse and did that to me….oh boy I let her have it and told her where she could be buried!!

    • I’m sorry, Ana. But I’m glad you can see her for what she is and that her abuse has nothing to do with you and your worth. We are better than the abuse and the abuser. If we keep that in mind, we can look past it and focus on the people who are good and loving. :)

    • GiRRL_Earth said:

      Good for you for standing up to her! It is amazing to me how we all can attract these sociopaths into our lives but often don’t realize until we are in too deep.

    • I’m glad she’s your ex friend. I currently must deal with a narc female, the wife of my husband’s friend, and since learning about these types, I am more willing to put up with her bad behavior and insults because I know they are not a reflection of anything I’ve done or my husband has done. It’s all in her twisted head. :)

    • GiRRL_Earth said:

      I need to learn more about this narc personality… Good for you for taking the higher ground.

  170. I think the vast majority think they are normal, and they are adamently against counseling, counselors and any help of any kind!!!! My daughter’s ex wreaked incredible havoc with her life and the lives of her children. When she got the children into counseling, he called the office and objected. In our state, if one parent objects to counseling, the counselor’s are unable to see or treat the children…………..what a nightmare my daughter has been through……………

  171. Ollie,its nice to hear that you have identified yourself as one.To me that is the first step to getting help.What you need to do is get a good therapist who deals with NPD and stick it out.Listen to what she is saying….Im sure with help you will be able to rectify things in your life and change them for the better.I want to congratulate YOU….because you have accepted that there is a problem.Lots of people with the NPD go around thinking its the normGod bless.Marilyn

  172. I am one and have only realized it, i matched about 8 in the first questions and about 16 in the second, i thought it was just me that i couldn’t hold anything together or hurting people and literally everything above is me, I find it also so hard to stick to things and to finish them through….. no idea what to think now that i can put my whole life into the words “Narcissistic Sociopath”

    any help???

    • If you really think you have issues that you want to change (most sociopaths don’t care to change), I would meet with a counselor or psychiatrist that specializes in personality disorders of this type. There are some self-identified sociopaths who blog and share their perspective, but I don’t know if that would help you or not. Regardless, if you are serious and interested in getting to the bottom of why you do the things you do, find a professional. Some even offer online counseling. You may want to consider reading “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout, PhD. Good luck to you, Ollie.

    • Thank-you Paula, I have never given it any thought at all until the other day when my mum called me Narcissistic, (I should point out i have a fascination of words) so looked it up and started reading it described me pretty well, so i did further investigation and realized that i do all these things and seeing as though this website is one dedicated to helping victims of people like me, I realized early (I am only 18) that this isn’t the person i want to grow into so i shall search for online help groups to try and sort this out early.

      Thank you again Paula :)

    • Ollie, you don’t sound like any sociopath or narcissist I have ever encountered or read about. You seem to have a conscience! It’s highly possible that you are behaving badly for other reasons, and hopefully you and a thoughtful counselor will discover what the reasons might be. Age is on your side, too. And be sure to thank your mother for tossing out the word “narcissist” because even if that’s not what you are, you’ll know how to spot one if you ever encounter one. :)

  173. I WAS LISTENING TO SOME MUSIC THE OTHER DAY ON THE ON THE CAR RADIO.IT WAS CALLED….LOVE IS HERE AND NOW YOUR GONE BY THE SUPREMES 1967,BUTWHE I LISTENED TO THE WORDS IT SUMMED UP A NARCISSIST.I CRIED FOR A WHILE BUT BOY DID IT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AFTERWARDS. GET IT ON YOUTUBE. TO EVERYONE OUT THERE,MY THOUGHTS AND LOVE GO OUT TO YOU GOD BLESS.
    MARILYN

  174. I reunited with a high school boyfriend on Facebook 15 years later. I was separated from my husband & had just been laid-off from work, so my son and I had temporarily moved in with my mother (which was becoming a stressful situation). I already “knew” this guy, so I automatically trusted him & he became a shoulder to cry on. I didn’t divulge ALL the details of my failed marriage, but I conveyed my feelings of betrayal, disappointment, loneliness, hope for a better future, etc. He said all the right things. His charming personality and overly-confident attitude was very refreshing to me, and I envied his high self-esteem — he was so prideful that I thought, “Here’s a guy who’s got it figured out. He’s enjoying his life, without trying to please everyone else.” I actually thought this was a GOOD thing. (What I didn’t realize: the over-the-top personality and tactless lifestyle were red flags of narcissism.)

    Within a few months, we were talking on a regular basis and essentially “dating”, although he lived two hours away. He came down to our hometown every few weeks, and almost immediately, he wanted me to meet his mother. I was reluctant, due to the fact that my divorce wasn’t final, but he made it clear that I was hurting his feelings by not wanting to meet his parents, so I gave in. (What I didn’t realize: he would eventually my relationship with her against me.) He also rushed me into letting him meet my son, which I was originally against but again, he guilted me… Saying that if I was ashamed to introduce him to my child, then we couldn’t have a future. The relationship was still in the honeymoon phase and I didn’t want to lose it — so I caved. Same scenario with him meeting my parents. My Dad was indifferent, as he often is, but my mother was IMMEDIATELY attuned to his cockiness and made it clear that she didn’t want him over again. She told me he was an asshole and that she wished I wouldn’t get involved with him. I respected her wishes and didn’t invite him back to her house, so we had regular visits at his parents’ house. (What I didn’t realize: always visiting on HIS turf was ‘the beginning of the end’ for my support system.) We continued to talk/text, but when Mom showed her disapproval, I began to schedule my calls for times when she wasn’t around — like when she was at the grocery store, etc. He caught on quickly, and when I fessed up (that Mom wasn’t supportive of the relationship), he began to play the victim. At this point, he’d been nothing but amazing to me, and he played the “Your Mom Doesn’t Want You To Be Happy” card. As much as I loved my mother, his constant buzzing in my ear was getting to me — and the more bad things she said about him, the more I resented her. Soon, she gave the ultimatum: I had to either break up with him, or find another place to stay.

    ** Note: While this was a mean things for my Mom to do, I know now that she was trying a last-ditch tactic to rid me of something she KNEW was going to hurt me. But it backfired. **

    So, with my “Mean Mom” on one hand and my “Loving Boyfriend” on the other, I chose to relocate — and my son and I moved in with him. My mother and I weren’t even talking at this point, and of course, I had no friends/family where he lived. Very, very slowly, the mind games began — sprinkled in between sweet moments. He would say rude and hurtful things, and when I called him on them, he would either accuse me of taking it the wrong way or pretend he was just joking… Then we’d have a nice ‘family outing’ or something to cover up the uncomfortable moment. He got angry over tiny things, like if I chose to read a book instead of watching TV with him, or if my child came down the stairs too early in the morning. If I confronted him about these things, he would find a way to justify his actions or deny it altogether. MIND GAMES GALORE!! [[ I was delusional -- making things up in my head. He had opened up his home to us, so how could I treat him this way after all he'd done for me? No wonder my marriage had failed... No wonder my mother didn't want me around... No wonder my job had chosen to let me go... If he was angry, it was because of something I did. If he was rude, it was because I was rude first. His attitude was always "a direct reflection" of mine (that was his favorite) -- he was mean to me, so I could see how mean I was being to him. And he reminded me that he was the last person I hadn't pushed away yet, so I better be careful. ]]

    As if this brainwashing wasn’t enough, his mother would email me and let me know how much he loved me, and was constantly telling her he wanted to marry me and be together forever. (What I didn’t realize: she knew when we were arguing, but he had been telling HIS version which, of course, always had me to blame… So she would give me pep-talks on “making it work”.) Being broken down by him and being guilted by his mom, without anyone on my side, I started to believe what he was saying. I no longer trusted what I saw or heard; I began to rely on his truths. My self-esteem was dead, and he knew it. He had assumed full control. And to top it off, I had become pregnant.

    The story gets much longer, but the end result is this: the psychological abuse almost caused me to miscarry, and when that didn’t work, he physically attacked me. I found the courage to leave, and my mother took me back willingly. I’m thankful that the rest of my pregnancy was safe and I gave birth to a beautiful baby — who is almost 2 years old. I’m still putting my life back together. I pressed charged, and he was convicted of CDV — and **thank God** has not come forward to take part in my child’s life.

    I guess the comments section isn’t the best place to share my entire store, but in case anyone is reading and needed more examples, here they are. :)

    Thank you so much for your site! I appreciate you for making a site like this… Victims/Survivors need a place to have their experiences acknowledged!!

    • Thank you! What an eye opener these stories are

      _____

    • Mara, your story is so familiar. You and your children are blessed with a good family. If we had only listened sooner. But I believe there is a reason for everything, and time will reveal the secret to us one day. Thank you for sharing. Our lives and our children’s lives are the most precious gifts we are given. Never again will we take that for granted. :)

    • Mara–I’m so sorry for what you went through and congratulate you for your courage in getting out. But I disagree that it was “mean” for your mom to give you an ultimatum about your boyfriend. I can only imagine the psychic pain she must have felt to see you everyday, knowing that you were dating a guy she clearly knew was dangerous for you. Of course you are free to date him–but I can see how painful it would be for her to have you do it on her watch.

      In effect, her ultimatum did push you further into his arms–but it perhaps only sped up what would have happened anyway.

      I wish all good things to you and your child.

  175. Daryll,
    All I would say to you is….To be irritated by your critiscism is to aknowledge it was deserved…idiot!!!!

  176. My daughter was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 10 years, He mentally and physically abused her and their 2 daughters. When she finally got brave enough to leave, he used her children to punish her and seek revenge on her. They are now 17 and 23, the 23 year old is completely alienated from her mother and has the classic black/white world of victims, dad good parent, mom bad parent. You cannot tell her anything about what is going on and she has no recollection of anything good of her life with her mom until she was 15. the 17 year old is still on the fence. She is entirely under her dad’s control, but still tries to see her mom The girls have little respect for their mom and all the respect and fear for him. It is made all the worse because he is very wealthy and immediately bought them cars when they were 16, giving him even more control to alieanate them from their mom. Their mom and entire family is out of the older girls life entirely and we are all so sad about that. However, I am so very grateful that my daughter is out of that abusive relationship. I miss my grandaughters and the closeness we once shared.

    • I ache for what you are going through. This type of alienation comes from a place of extreme hate. The poor man hates himself so much that he has zero understanding that children NEED the love and support from both parents. They need their parents to be healthy in body, mind, and spirit. Being away from him has allowed your daughter to be healthy for the day her children come to her with questions. The day may or may not arrive, but when it does, they will know in an instant who the sick parent is and it’s not Mom. Thank you for sharing and commenting.

  177. Yes, when I read how a person, in my case it was my husband, he is a Narcissistic Sociopath, I hate myself. I hate what he did to me and how I didn’t see it. He cheated on my for more than 7 years, I had no idea. I belived every lie he told me, I had no clue what he was doing, what a fool I was. It took almost a year of therapy to
    help me understand him. Now all I have for him is hatred. He’s now on to another girls, well acually three other girls who have no idea what kind of person he really is, and he will and is doing the same thing to them as he did to me.
    They don’t know about each other.
    How sad for them…

    • Hurting,

      Hate is a normal emotion and part of the healing process. When I hated the most, I sat down and wrote. The hatred will eventually dissipate, because we have better lives to live now! You got out! You will rejoice in that soon. Very soon.

      And you are not a fool, but if trusting someone makes us fools, then we’re fools. Always remember that no matter what you said or did, he was going to behave exactly as he behaved–BADLY! You are none of the foul words he called you and you didn’t cause him to cheat. He cheated because he’s a loser and he’s not good. Period.

      You should check out the Facebook page I have listed in the right navigation: My Emotional Vampire. It’s a healing community and has helped many.

      Take care!

  178. Google news story “Alleged Abusive Caregiver has Troubled Past”. It’s about a caregiver Michael Garritson, 61 of Valley Center, California. This evil man is a classic example of a chronic sociopath who has duped his family and others who live inside his sick world. He controls all his children even into adulthood, unless they’re smart enough to escape…he’s in old news story for being a suspect in the murder of a child….also convicted of animal abuse….News stories say Garritson worked as a registered nurse in home health and was caught on tape physically abusing a severely autistic man who couldn’t talk. So scary to think sociopaths like this are working with such vulnerable patients. Nurses like this steal (parasitic lifestyle) from patient’s homes (take medications, supplies) and abuse patients. No telling how many other patients this guy has abused as an RN. Just Horrifying.

  179. marilyn Lundrigan said:

    To the mental health nurse,not much compassion there…..If you have a heart,you have a conscience.you can read all you like in books about mental health.Living with it is different.I will give you an example of the so called professionals.As my husband is a NPD and more.He was seeing a woman in the village i live in and i might add ,still is,2 years ago i begged him not to see her,crying begging like the pathetic person he had made me.I take responsibility for that but i loved him more than myself.He started being sarcastic and real nasty,I was bereft but got annoyed because he was laughing at me.So with anger &frustration I pushed him,with that he went into the kitchen ,got a knife and said….go on stab me,stab me’.I realised what he was doing -took the knife off him put it in the kitchen sink and walked away.Because I didnt react he phoned the police and told them I attacked him with the knife.I had to leave the house.He managed to fool the police by saying to them. I still love her… etc.Paula is right. LIVE IT…THEN GET BACK TO ME.

  180. I believe there are two sides to every story … so I guess that makes me someone with NPD . I believe in compromise…I must suffer from …NPD. I put family essential needs first [seeing this as a success] taking away from what others see as personal success … I could have NPD. The courts , the psychologists, the psychiatrists, the police, neighbours,family,co-workers even priests are all stupid have no qualifications are not good judges of charachter[said with sarcastic tone] … the person with NPD fools them all [also said with sarcastic tone] …give me a break… ! NPD is real , please take it seriously : it is not helpful to anybody to see it as a tool and/or a label , to manipulate. What is next ,”She suffers PMT so it’s not her fault for killing him , besides he suffers from NPD , so he asked for it.” Be very careful leave it to the professionals to diagnose any condition. Regards a concerned mental health nurse.

    • Let’s see: no professional was able to help the victims of Drew Peterson, Scott Peterson, Josh Powell, Michelle Michael and numerous other murderous sociopaths. This blog isn’t about diagnosing someone to help the person with the disorder. It’s about helping potential and current and past victims stay away, get out, and NEVER go back. If we wait for a proper diagnosis, we’re all fucked. I say, “Fuck the abuser. Assume the worst.” Any experienced health professional will tell you that they even get fooled by these lying, cheating, and manipulative monsters. You obviously have never known one or been a victim of one. You’re a lucky, anonymous so and so. Be thankful this page means nothing to you. Yet.

    • If you were NPD you wouldn’t say there are 2 sides to the story and you wouldn’t even know the word compromise. I also don’t get the whole sarcastic tone either. There certainly are two sides to every story however, diagnosis or no diagnosis, people need to learn how to deal with people exhibiting these behaviors. I know first hand that the courts DO NOT understand this personality disorder at all. I don’t think anyone who has to deal with these people are doing anything BUT taking it seriously. No one, except their lawyer, is looking to excuse them for their behaviors either. You either read one thing and took it the wrong way or you are having a bad day. An “anonymous” comment is someone hiding something or trolling to look for people to take their anger out on. Please read more and look into the communities helping the victims. If you are a mental health professional, spend some time with the family members of these individuals. I have no doubt they have horror stories to tell you. Blogs and support sights aren’t built around “diagnosing” only educating. Many of these personality types don’t care that they have issues so they never go to get diagnosed. It is left up to us victims to do the research and recognize that it isn’t us, it actually is them. Signed, a not so anonymous victim.

  181. marilyn Lundrigan said:

    everything that has been posted is true,i have lived with one for 34yrs,couldnt fit him into a catergory until feb 2012.i scanned the web for all info and came across npd/melanie tonia evans website.she is also one of us who has been physically/mentaly/emotionly battered and drained.It felt like a lightbulb going on in my head when I read about NPD.i have detached myself emotionaly,but at present I still live in the same house,which is hard.we havent spoken for about 2 months.i dont mind its peaceful.he has someone else boy..am i grateful.i want to get out but cant at the moment.Its the things he does still to get at me like ,put washing up liquid in the kettle as he dosnt have hot drinks,hides my clothes/credit cards/train tickets.takes my mail to work so I never know what i have(kept the last batch of letter for 4 months)he has done a great job on my family & friends to where they think its me thats crazy.I havent retalliated but the things keep coming.we sleep in the same bed at the moment as i dont have enough room.he waits till im asleep,blows in my face,punches me in the back,then tell me im dreaming.will leave him but what am i in for…..god knows.all the info on NPD should be given to refuges/hostels especially these woman might just see the light literally like i did.

    • I am so sorry that you are living with this, Marilyn. It’s just evil how they treat people and destroy any sense of peace within us. I also believe that more awareness of NPD and all cluster B disorders needs to be spread, especially to women living in shelters and hostels and anywhere women and children are seeking refuge from an abusive situation. Understanding the source of the abuse makes it so much easier to get away and begin to heal. It is also very valuable to understand while you are still in the situation that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the abuser and make him stop. The only way to make it stop, is to leave. I am thinking of you and hoping you will soon find the courage to leave. I also encourage you to visit the My Emotional Vampire Facebook page. You don’t need to Like the page to read the information. :) ~Paula https://www.facebook.com/MyEmotionalVampire

  182. I just found your writings and I am looking forward to reading your book, hopefully for my own path toward healing. I am recently single after an intense relationship with someone who I considered my best friend. His EXTREME lying didn’t come out until the very end. He is the most charming man I have ever met in my life and he preyed on me, my friends, my coworkers and my family. Three weeks after we broke up….he got married. I have started to open my eyes to the fact he was a text book sociopath. My cousin treats sociopaths as her profession and she was even oblivious to him in the beginning. My story makes peoples mouths drop and people tell me it makes them sick to their stomach and gives them goose bumps. The worst part of it all, we both work in law enforcement…we protect and serve. This man had the least bit of integrity and yet he is still looked at as the “Golden Boy”. My healing has started but its only the beginning of the journey.

    • L., I hope my blog and my book can help you. I recommend that you read everything on the subject that you can and to read what others have experienced.

      It seems that no one outside of the fields of psychology, psychiatry, neurology, etc. truly believe or understand that sociopaths exist outside of the movies and serial killer types. I have read much on this and how positions of power and authority attract them. Judges, doctors, lawyers, and law enforcement positions are some of their most coveted. It’s frightening to me.

      You have lived with it and surely have seen the evil and destruction that seems to have no source except that it comes from inside the sociopath who doesn’t flinch at his own dark thoughts. Normal people might think about wanting to hurt or harm someone who has hurt or harmed us, but those feelings are fleeting