Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:

Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.

I am no psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. However, I have lived alongside a narcissistic sociopath and feel the need to share, even if in a tale-like fiction setting, how I understand the psychopathology that insidiously penetrated my body, mind, and spirit until I was nearly convinced that I was the evil one. How? Projection, transference, and control, that’s how.

I hope you enjoy this story and pass it along to your family, friends, others you love, and anyone you suspect is or has been a victim.

Paula Carrasquillo ~ July 2012
Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

Paula Carrasquillo, M.A. lives and works in the Washington, D.C. area. She holds a master’s degree in Communication and Adult Education and a bachelor’s degree in English. Paula is currently enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training program and hopes to be certified in July 2014. Her next book, “Embracing Your Light: Minful Healing and Recovery from Sociopath Abuse” is set to be published in late 2014.

Join the conversation! 842 Comments

  1. I’ve commented before here, & until tonight I felt all right. I’ve been successfully dodging him for well over a year -no physical contact, no on line contact initiated by me, no replys from me to any initiated by him, & no peeking @ his on line stuff . Great!.,…Maybe…

    I know ‘why’ I’m so careful, esp. with avoiding face to face contact. There is some degree of fear which annoys me to no end. I have seen &, heard him in a screaming rage. He is a Very Big person & quite volatile on occasion. But more than that, I really not sure if I would fall for his stories in a face to face situation. I’m not sure if he would physically or verbally try to hurt me, & I’m NOT HAPPY dealing with that, since I have never had to deal with fear of anyone before.

    I went through more pure CRAP with this person, & most of it came from him running his mouth overtime, & putting other people up to it. (IE: I actually Really liked this man,, & that’s not something that happens to me often.) Then I find that he is all sneaky smoke & mirrors. I’ve known him now for about 2 1/2 years & I don’t even know his last name! Which probably is helpful to him by minimizing restraining orders. (grin) He has ‘problems’ with women. He freaks them out. To be honest, I never really wanted to find out more info on him because that would involve me poking around to get it. “Don’t poke the bear!” I also assumed that whatever the heck kind of ‘interest’ he had in me would have gone after a long period of No Contact & avoidance.
    I guess not?

    I may be dealing with this continued harassment because I never did show fear. Perhaps I’m just a lab. rat to him? Maybe we all are? There are times when I think that he is getting even with women. He more than fulfils all the outward criteria of male attractiveness, but doesn’t do well with women. He claims Aspergers, among other problems is why he can’t. That could be so, but does he need to try to psychologically beat women down before he approaches them? He seems very intelligent & capable in other areas of his life. (has held a job long term, drives a car, maintains himself independently & always is well groomed.)

    Input anyone…

  2. I am dating a narcisstic sociopath…HELP!! I was friends with this girl for nearly 8 years, had a great friendship for many years until one day she starts to pursue me. She claims she always liked me. But now I am beginning to know the real person behind our friendship :/ Anyone else been through this and helpful tips on how to “unattach yourself and set yourself free” Thank you!

    • Hi Steve.
      I think you need to sit this woman down in person (not via e mail or social media) & tell her that you do not wish to continue the relationship. Do this in a kind & firm way. You have known this person for a long time so, if she tries to change your mind, you probably have some idea of the tactics that she might use. It might not hurt to ‘rehearse’ to counter her arguments.
      Please be aware that if she is a true Narc./Soc., you are going to loose some mutual friends.
      Do not delay in telling her how you feel. Do not give her false hope, & don’t “Try to be Kind” by letting her down gradually. Don’t be mean, but if it looks like you cannot go back to being friends, it might be safer for you to cut all ties.
      Never assume that they will get the message by avoidance or being chilly. If she is a true N/S she will try to guilt you, & claim that you were not honest with her, or accuse you of being ambiguous, being passive aggressive, or playing games. The reason I’m saying that you need to talk to her Now, is that if things get hairy you may not be able to talk to her at that point without getting put into a bad situation. If anything, you won’t second guess yourself later about ‘Did I do the right thing by her & was I fair & hones with her’
      In my personal experience, I should have spoken directly to this person right away. I don’t know if it would have made much difference to his reactions, & hostile actions, but at least I would not have questioned my own character later in dealing with it.
      (I did say what I needed to say on line. I know from his angry reaction that this person got the message, – loud & clear, but N/C’s don’t seem to be able to process things that do not work to their advantage or satisfaction.)

      I wish you he best of luck Steve!

  3. @TIiffany. This is crazy making at it’s finest. This happened to me so many times. If you continue to stay and get no support through counseling and friends, if you have any, you will start to doubt what you are witnessing. This is what they want. Don’t let this happen!

  4. My ex used to tell me that I was his “home.” I struggled for a while how to figure out how to classify him, but I gave up. All that truly matters is that he is a monster and he hurts people. But reading through both lists of traits indicative of each personality, nearly every single one of them is true for him. It actually made me sick to my stomach as memories came flooding back for every indicator on the list.

    • This described my last four relationships over the last 16 years. So what is wrong with me ?

    • There is nothing wrong with you, Anonymous. You just don’t recognize and value what is right with you and put your needs before others. I’m sure you see these people as sympathetic characters, stray and/or abandoned dogs that everyone before you discarded and you wanted to be the one to help them. Well, they don’t want your help just your pity n order to take advantage and suck dry all of your energy and knowledge and understanding and patience. Was it worth being sucked dry just to be shamed and humiliated by the very people your thought you loved and would sacrifice your time and worth just to elevate their worth? Of course it wasn’t worth it because look where you found yourself…on this blog trying to make sense of the senseless. It’s time to take back your power and worth and put YOU at the number 1 position in your life. Without self-care and self-love, we can’t offer care and love to others. People like thise don’t reciprocate love and care; they just take, take, take. You’re perfect as you are and it’s time to take inventory of yourself. :)

  5. Hi Everyone, I posted on here a few months ago and I was a complete mess. I came to Asia in August to visit family just to get away from the sociopath I was with. He was still in contact in my first few weeks here and although I had no intention of getting back together with him when I returned home I found myself still swept up in all the drama. Anyway one weekend he disappeared all weekend. Usually he goes out gets drunk and then contacts me. This weekend was different, even talking to him on Whatsapp before he went out I knew something was up. Even half way round the world. When he wants to confuse me he talks in riddles and was giving me info but I knew it was all half truths.

    Anyway he was with another woman, someone he went to school with who has just recently joined facebook. I found this out because the following weekend he sent me a message on fb with his gps on, He was in a small village in the middle of nowhere (he does not drive and all round lazy) I asked him what he was doing there, apparently he was delivering and fitting a kitchen with his brother (bullshit) he was calling me nuts, crazy, I am mental. I was not actually acting any of these things I just kept asking him why he has to lie about everything all the time. He did the classic of then completely changing the subject to his health (he has type one diabetes)I just said ‘I don’t care, I have read all about people like you, changing the subject to get out of telling the truth”. The weird thing is I really did not care by this point who he was with I was fed up of being taken for a fool so I did a small amount of detective work on his fb friends and found a girl at the top of his friends list her profile was public and turns out she is from the small village he sent the message from.

    I was angry that he was still trying to manipulate and control me so finally I blocked him on fb, whatsapp and every other source I could. This is single handedly THE BEST thing I have done. It was not easy at first and I was harbouring a lot of anger towards him, especially when he is due in court on the 16th Dec for attacking me (again) but I kept repeating to myself “just let it go kate, whats done is done” saying this calmed me down.

    I have also heard stories in the past about his exes and the emotional and physical abuse. I decided to take a risk and contact one. She messaged me back and told me she nearly contacted me when she saw I was dating him 3 yrs ago to warn me. She detailed the abuse she was put through. He uses all the same was very strange but in a weird way comforting that I was speaking to someone who knew EXACTLY what I went through. The charm, the sob stories, excessive drinking, the physical and emotional abuse, financial support, the manipulation, compulsive lying about everything.

    Hearing this something clicked in my head (finally) and although I knew he was a nutter but this made me really face up to the severity of the abuse I suffered with him. It has now been two months of no contact. He probably thinks he has hurt me by finding a new gf. God knows what lies he has spun her but he has actually done me a MASSIVE favour. I think about it less and less every day now. I am still going to have some counselling on my return home to the UK just to talk it through with a trained professional face to face and I still have more of this journey to go but I have 7 more weeks in Asia to enjoy xmas with my fam. I have lost 42lb, have a great tan, I am laughing again and I feel free for the first time in years. Things are on the up
    Things I have learnt….No contact is said for a reason, it works. The sociopath is not too good for you it’s the other way round, do not get confused. Time really does heal. I am also learning more about myself, how strong I actually am and if I can get through this I can get through anything.
    Keep going and do not cumulate your losses, although tempting, its self destructive and remember nothing can be as bad as being stuck in that painful destructive cycle they create. Read, read, and read some more about them, it has helped me so much. Thank you!

    • my daughter (Age 16) had an off and on relationship with someone like this. I can’t even begin to tell you the havoc he had on our entire family. He has since moved and I know he is already after a new victim. I hope and pray that her family sees him for what he is.. He wrecked my daughters self esteem and pushed her to be someone she wasn’t. He manipulated me as well. He saw me as a target as well as I tend to care about people and their well being. Your article has helped me understand this type of person and its freeing to know I am surrounded by others who have dealt with this..

    • I’m very sorry you had to see your daughter go through this.

  6. Starr,
    Didn’t mean to scare you. Everyone is a bit different. To be fair, I never told N not to contact me or block him. With him I knew that would only be giving him attention ironically. I elected to take another route and just remain silent or when I did actually speak with him, I was calm and unaffected by whatever he was spewing. I would also remove myself from the situation whether on the phone or in person by saying I had to go. After a while he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me. The recent scattered attempts don’t bother me – I just ignore them.

    • Yes, Starr, & Stronger…they are not all alike. Some just go. Some tentatively try & then give up easily.
      Paula, I have not been insulting him. He just spread his sob story around, & people that believe him are yapping @ me. I have not responded in kind. I don’t know these people & don’t know what was said to them
      One reason why I got the Willies from this situation from the get-go was how he brought unrelated people into it. People I didn’t know accusing me of things that I Didn’t do. When I 1st met him, he asked me out, gave me his name address & asked my name & where I lived. I didn’t give my name & was not very specific about where I lived.
      I assumed that he was in his early to mid 40’s. Not so..He claims to be in his mid 30’s which is a Lot too young for me. Even without all the other insanity, that was just too much for me to deal with.
      So after dodging him for a year, now he gets people to call me “Ugly, “Hag”, etc.. I guess this is his revenge? “Crazy old broad chasing him” ?
      I’m saying that he should Believe what he says about me & go bother someone ‘appropriate’.
      . I don’t have to believe that stuff, cuz it’s not so. (Maybe he ought to stop asking ‘Hags’ out?)
      Cdn. Thanksgiving Monday. an elderly lady, over 6 feet tall stopped outside my house & started screaming & yelling, while glaring @ me through the window, His Grandma? Her height suggested that she might be. I just got away from the window & let her rave.So I’m one of the things they discussed over Thanksgiving dinner? WHY!?
      Thing is, he was hacking & tracking me before on line. I bought a lap top to shake him. If he wasn’t still hacking & snooping, he wouldn’t know anything that was said here or elsewhere…..

  7. I have to agree with Pennyfarthing. I’ve known N for 2 years, only dated for 4 mos. I thought like a normal relationship he would just go away, especially if I did not initiate contact. I was wrong. For the last year and a half he has attempted contact several times – always when he was in need. Never to see how I was or with any regard for my well being. Once we stopped being sociable, if we spoke I no longer held my tongue. I didn’t care anymore if I upset him. I told him I didn’t feel he was a true friend, that he was only concerned about himself, that he had ignored boundaries and got visibly upset or went silent when boundaries were enforced. That what he expected from me and what I got from him was way off balance. He of course said I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong with our friendship – he said I was just upset because we were no longer dating. Truth was at first I actually thought we could be friends but he was no better at friendship than he was at dating. He was the same self-absorbed SOB. Only now I didn’t care if he “liked” me or not – I wasn’t excusing or blaming his behavior on what he experienced in his past the way I tried to do when we were dating. I didn’t care if he just disappeared. I should be so lucky.

    At first weeks would go by and I would think ok, that’s it. Then I would be woken in the middle of the night by calls. If I didn’t answer he would call again and again. If I ignored a text he would follow up with another text asking why I didn’t respond. A normal person would think, maybe I shouldn’t call this person I’m no longer dating and haven’t talked to in over a month 5 times at 3 am. Maybe they don’t want to talk to me. They don’t string things together or just don’t care. Like Pennyfarther, I too learned his pattern and knew that if he was attempting to contact me it was because he was in one of his down cycles and had no supply to turn to. Whatever it was you can believe to him he was in crisis and being ignored was not an option. Again, his calling had nothing to do with me – he was in need. Time would go by and I could almost sense when he would call. I started turning off my phone at night and in the morning I would have several missed calls from him. It seems just when I think he’s gone for good, there it is.

    So by all means, work on yourself, take responsibility, go no contact, keep boundaries but also know that splitting from these people is an experience in and of itself.

    • Hi, I just want to say I couldn’t agree more with your last statement. It is extremely difficult to get rid of a narcissist. At times, it can feel like a full-time job, in which a part of me believes that is there intention: to waste as much of your time as possible.

    • Pennyfarthing and Stronger01 you are scarying me I will never get rid of him. I am down to a couple of emails a day but knowing that there are no boundaries for him. I am sure when he gets rejected (apparently he has 30 women waiting to date him according to one of his emails) I can expect contact. I am glad I blocked him on my phone so he can’t text me but he can still leave voice messages. It is really unsettling when you receive unwanted contact. His emails can get kind of weird too. It seems to help me to read others stories they are so similiar and it is helping make sense of what’s happening to me.

    • Thanks! It’s been a month and he hasn’t try to contact me. We work in the same place and I haven’t even seen him although he is still works there. I know security and HR spoke to him after I gave them the order so maybe they trying to stay away not to lose his job which I find extremely weird since I know he is very careless and doesn’t follow rules. I’m staring to think he’s trying to “behave” so he can get it lifted or maybe his new victim is satisfying his needs. And thanks for the suggestion, I actually read the book right after me and this individual finish our “relationship” and I suspected he was a sociopath. But after reading it I comfirmed it. Great book! Thanks!

  8. These people are in your life for a very specific reason, that is, they identify your weaknesses. If you were strong your encounter with them would be very brief. Since these people are attracted to weak people, it says a lot about you. Instead of hating them, take responsibility for your part in allowing these people in your lives. Take responsibility for your weaknesses. This is not an attack on you, this is to inform you to take control of your life, as they take control of theirs. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. They are not the cause of your suffering, you are. They simply facilitate and affirm your beliefs about yourself whether consciously or unconsciously. Seriously, if you loved yourself, if you trusted your feelings and believed in yourself, the very instant you perceived something was not quite right with your relationship you would have dealt with it and if you continued to feel a sense of uneasiness you would have left it knowing that you were right to move on even if you could not quite pinpoint what it was that was wrong. Since these people are master manipulators it is their job to be subtle with their deception, it is your job to listen to your instincts.
    The emotions of fear, rejection, abandonment etc are what attract these people to you…they recognize them in you even if you do not. What they will do is give you exactly what you fear. This is a good thing because it allows you to recognize what beliefs about yourself that is not serving you and gives you the opportunity to make changes that serves your higher good. It is all about you; not them. UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU ARE MEANT TO FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME. UNHAPPINESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TEMPORARY SITUATION that communicates something is wrong and it needs to be fixed. Liken it to a toothache, your teeth are never meant to hurt you, if they do you know that you need to get it seen to so that you can feel good again. It is the same with ALL of you.
    Another blessing that these people may have brought to your awareness is the the feeling of love that felt amazing. Guess what, at least you know what love feels like, you own that feeling not them as they cannot feel and have no idea of such a beautiful feeling, can you imagine how empty they must feel all the time. You are far more powerful than they are as you have the capacity to experience all the beautiful emotions that are associated with love. You have what they want, but they can never have. Maybe that is why they have such a deep rooted hate and anger that makes them so contemptuous of humanity and in order to get back at humanity they hurt them. Remember, hurt people ultimately hurt people.
    Also, in order for them to be liked by others they have to fake a likable personality because if they were their true selves they would be hated and would not get very far in life. This is so very evident by the very fact that people discard of them once they are aware of their true identity. So you see, they truly are powerless, and it is you who have the power. You have to liken them to a bully, once you drop the fear you render them powerless and they move on to their next weak victim.
    The remedy is to learn to love and value yourself, you have the right to be happy and at peace and you will never find that with these type of people.

    • Thank you, Joe. Admitting weakness and accepting it is certainly one of the toughest aspects of healing and transforming from this. :)

    • Thanks for pointing out we have the power to move on and if we were not weak we would never of stayed. The reason I came to this site and looking for answers regarding what just happened to me was because I have never been in a relationship that was abusive. I was at a temporary low point in my life when I met him as I was going through a divorce after a 10 year relationship. I am educated and the nature of my work requires me to be self aware. Paula has pointed out they gravitate toward compassionate empathetic people. He would play on this and each time I was ready to break up he would say he was all alone and there was always a situation why he made me feel I would be heartless to leave him. They are master manipulators and are able to find your weaknesses and exploit them. My weakness is taking on the caregiver role and I am a nurturer. Although I always thought this was a strength I had he would exploit this so it became a weakness. He had me feeling sorry for him using pity as a way to keep me in the relationship. As he had convinced me we were soul mates I felt there was lots of reasons to stay. I overlooked the verbal abuse. His cheating was something I would not overlook and gave me enough to leave the three years of hell sprinkled with enough heaven (love bombing) to get me to stay.

    • Joe makes some good points but let’s not discount how deceitful NPDs can be. Most of us are not accustomed to being skeptical of the sincerity of others. I do not believe it is a weakness to have empathy for others. Many people in my life say I am the strongest person they know. I have overcome, I am self-made and there is not a lot I need that I don’t have or can not obtain on my own. I mistakenly thought that I could help someone else do the same. I believed what I was told and I believe those things were true but the motive behind the story was not honest and that is something you don’t see right away.I don’t meet people on any level expecting them to lie to me. I don’t judge them as guilty until proven innocent. Someone may have problems but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person. Unfortunately, it takes a bit of time to figure that out. The mask come off as we say and depending on how entangled you are, it can take time to cut yourself free, even when you are strong.

    • Joe Boggs- Thank you for your comment. Taking responsibility is the first step to healing.

    • I have been involved in a 2 year relationship with a lady I think is a sociapath , as I learned about into month 4 of some issues , I told myself I could fix this , after confronting her she just would not admit anything even after I had tangible evidence . My problem came when I loved the sex and much as she liked all the stuff
      Then when she would threaten to leave I went into panic ( rejection/abandonment ) mode
      And I would always take a better trip, buy a bigger prize to make it feel right
      Then she was smart enough to figure that out,
      I hated the thought of her leaving me.
      Well she did leave, but we kept seeing each other as FEB and of course on her terms
      I feel terriable about what I had let happen, money I spent , work I lost
      All the above and yet still find hard to walk away

    • Anonymous, It’s hard to just walk away when you were in it for love, real bonded love. Severing that bond is never easy. Especially, when it’s made obvious that your bond was to a person incapable of love. It was a trick. It’s tough to rationalize and accept. We refuse it. We remain in denial about it.

    • To Joe Boggs:
      Like Starr, I was in a really bad place. Looking after a parent with Alzheimers for years had made a physical & mental wreck of me. He must have known this. He also has acquired brain injury, or so he says. I guess this made me seem like I might be vulnerable.
      It took me a very short time to see that this was a very bad idea, but he simply keeps bouncing back.
      I don’t even have to check any posts he makes to know that he has had yet another break up with another GF. I start seeing him several times a week, passing in traffic with a look or a wave @ me. (How the Hell does he know where I am ?!) Or he stops in front of my house. Or a creepy email. (He was never given my email addy, he just hacked it) He has had 3 break ups in the last 10 (?) months, & each & every time he’s back.
      Realizing your boundaries & limitations is all very well Joe, but getting THEM to respect them is another matter. If they knew how to do this, they would have empathy, & understanding & the people that they hurt would not be writing on this board. It’s not as easy as you think to get it through someone’s head that you are just not going to accommodate them.
      Stalking. hacking, spying are part of some of these people’s notion of ‘caring’. They will do it, if they have had success in the past with former GF’s. Maybe even if they didn’t succeed, it’s probably ‘fun’ for them to harass people who reject them. “HOW DARE THEY!”
      They feel ownership of other people. We are objects.
      Either he or one of his brothers has currently taken to spending time @ a house that abuts my house..It’s not a crime to have friends. I get catcalls from that house, or loud screaming of personal insults when he passes my house. He works close to me & has relatives that live close.
      This is clearly Abnormal behaviour, but for some reason, to him it’s perfectly normal.
      We can take control of our own lives, but some of these people will make it a struggle for us. I just hope that he takes the personal insults seriously, believes them, & Never appears in my life again!

    • Insulting these people directly seems to work, at least from my experience at least. :)

    • I am trying to survive restarting my life after 32 years of an abusive marriage to a narcissist/sociopath. I lost everything I ever worked for including a mortgage foreclosure , over $50,000 of IRS debt, he never filed the taxes and taking care of an autistic 24 year old son. I have been searching for answers but too busy trying to financially survive. I look forward to reading the book.

    • I am very sorry. I hope my book helps and leads you to other resources.

    • Its so very true they exploit at some extent vulnerable or weak and for this reason extremly kind people, they turn them into victimized co dependents as they have this narcissistic supply need or addiction satisfied only when the victims are consistantly devalued by their actions abuse mistreatment , it takes time to set boundaries but also no one is immune and even the strongest person can be betrayed manipulated victimized for a while if he or she is just a good person self confident enough for loving or bonding to other people or in need of a decent relationship, companion , marriage etc
      As a matter of fact , to be vulnerable or weak one has to be self confident and undertake risks as well.:)
      Thank s Joe thank you Paula

    • This so true.i was married to one for 13 years and we have four children together.weveere divorced in May and he was married in June.i found out he had been cheating on me with multiple women during our marriage.i was in shock but now I see all the red flags that were in front of me.constant feeling of thinking I was crazy and he even had my family convinced I was nuts until the truth came out.thank God for the order of protection I have against him because he can’t eadily continue to manipulate me.i just hope my kids do not turn out like him

    • Joe, whilst I completely agree with what you have said (victims of narcissists have no boundaries and they use that against us), please know that people who have broken free from a controlling narcissist are broken and trying to heal from being love bombed, gaslighted, alienated and their self worth has been stripped. To use a ‘blame stance’, ie: tell victims to take responsibility for their ‘weakness/es’ is tantamount to perpetuatung the abuse that broke us in the first place. Please remember these ‘weaknesses’ are actually our strengths in moderation: we are loving, empathetic, nurturing, helpful and often have a rescuer complex. These are actually good qualities in moderation and a better, healthier way to help us heal is to remind us to be more selective in who we choose to allow into our lives, not tell us to be different people. Remember narcissists and/or sociopaths have an illness, not their victims.

    • Wow!! This is what I would say to someone, if I was on the outside looking in. Thank You! seriously, I needed to read you insight., I am in a relationship with a man, defined by six narcissistic traits and thirteen sociopathic traits, I am disgusted at myself, it hurts! His true self was revealed 2 years ago, after many battles lost, tears, and apologies by me. I just keep my mouth shut. I have almost lost my spirit. He knows what he is doing, right? Maybe not the right verbiage, but he knows he is a self-serving prick, Right? I have told my friends, many times over, what keeps me here <— him sitting next to me, is the need for him to admit I am not crazy, he has used me, lied (he can be caught red handed and still lie), and cared none…. But noooo of course he loves me and if I would stop doing whatever (wanting affection, intimacy, understanding and respect) he won't do the hateful, spiteful things he does to me or some other meandering bullshit. Pardon my language. Thank you again.

    • Wow!! This is what I would say to someone, if I was on the outside looking in. Thank You! seriously, I needed to read you insight., I am in a relationship with a man, defined by six narcissistic traits and thirteen sociopathic traits, I am disgusted at myself, it hurts! His true self was revealed 2 years ago, after many battles lost, tears, and apologies by me. I just keep my mouth shut. I have almost lost my spirit. He knows what he is doing, right? Maybe not the right verbiage, but he knows he is a self-serving prick, Right? I have told my friends, many times over, what keeps me here <— him sitting next to me, is the need for him to admit I am not crazy, he has used me, lied (he can be caught red handed and still lie), and cared none…. But noooo of course he loves me and if I would stop doing whatever (wanting affection, intimacy, understanding and respect) he won't do the hateful, spiteful things he does to me or some other meandering bullshit. Pardon my language. Thank you again.

    • He knows he’s hurting you but doesn’t care. He feels entitled to be a self-serving prick. :) I am sorry you are dealing with this, Tiffany.

  9. I’m so grateful for finding this website. I’ve been with a man for 2 years who shows all of the traits of a narcissistic sociopath. I am not the same happy bubbly girl I was 2 years ago. He has completely destroyed my self esteem and inner joy through emotional manipulation(incredibly subtle! Like if you try to describe to do someone in detail how he’s behaved, it’s very hard to pin point one thing, because it’s an accumulation of little things but put together it’s huge)
    He started out overly showering me with love and charm. A week after we met he claimed “do you know I think im starting to feel something special for you” or ” i think im already in love with you” compliments, affection, the works. Then a few months in the control started. Telling me I had to stop dancing with my friends because it wasn’t a respectable thing to do. Trying to stop me seeing certain friends. If we ever argued it was Never his fault. Always talking about himself and his grand success in life (he thinks he is going to be like Floyd may weather) a business that he has apparently been running or involved in(for 7 years!) that is going to make him a millionaire (but all he does is sit in front of his laptop and do f**k all) yet he’s poor, is always charming or manipulating those around him to give him things, money, whatever he can get. He exists by living of others financially but he does it in such a way, it’s like he gets away with it as ‘okay’ or ‘normal.’ Hacked my laptop (and checked my phone) and accused me of doing or looking at porn, and also cheating and lying on him which I have never done (while later on it has transpired he was looking at filth beyond belief on his own laptop, and is having numerous chats/photo swaps with other women around the world, and these conservation’s including sexual pictures as well as the emotional charm crap he was doing to me at the beginning, almost like he was always having a “few on the boil’ so to speak) A person who you always felt unsure around. Like there was always mystery with him, like things never added up. He would say one thing, then a w months or weeks later the story changed or had new or deleted details. Holes or mysteries in his past relationship stories. I have since spoken to his ex (a lovely women) whose tale of the relationship was very different from his!! Yet out of all this he claims I’m a “bitch” I’m not a seRious woman, I’m the one who is sick in the head, I’m the one who didn’t change and do ‘as he told me to do” incredibly intoxicating sexually, smells good, dresses well, flirts, charms, everyone who knows him In the community “thinks he’s a great guy” or “he’s a good man” ran away from home when he was a small child, living on the streets. I almost feel this comment has to become note form as the list and experiences are too many to explain or describe. Building up false hopes and things to come or things he’ll do with me (but never does them) sabotaging anything that was going to make me happy, like an event with friends or family, a holiday. How did he do it? By choosing the optimum moment (usually moments before the event or by sending a message/s during it) able to be happy for me or things I liked. Anything I like he would make me feel bad for liking it by saying it was stupid or boring or not a respectable thing to do. He only had Me and one other friend who seemed close. Everyone else loved him buy from a far. The other friend is his only surviving friend over a long period of time(he also shows signs of bring a NS) as he can make friends and lovers easily enough but he cannot keep them. As everyone who gets close or on a deeper level susses him out. When he’s sussed, he’ll move on but continuing to hold you, hurt you by game playing. It’s all so subtle! But incredibly powerful in bring so destructive. I feel like my identity is lost and he’s taken away my soul. I since found in my 2 weeks or trying to abstain from seeing him or talking to him much, he’s already been out with another women) if you cut the attention and love, they loose interest. If they get no response they quickly need a response else where. But I am going to fight back and I will get through this. The only way is by going cold turkey. That’s what I believe. He’s sucked me det of my joy. I look at myself in the mirror and say I’m not attractive, or that I don’t have value. But He’s made me feel that way. And that’s thier plan. To break you down but by bit so they have the ultimate control. I don’t think he ever loved me or even knows how to love. It’s all a game. And I truly believe if I make this break away properly, he won’t even care thar much. He’s already got others on the boil. Thank you for this page. Has helped me a lot and love to all those out there going through this. We can and will get out!

    • It’s so unfortunate, but most of these people who think he’s a good guy WILL find out that he isn’t. And there is nothing you or I can do to speed along that awareness process for them. It WILL happen. Hopefully, when it does, you will be so far removed and healed that you’ll be able to smile and extend your hand to support those who come after you. Validation is key to recovery. I hope you realize that you are not to blame and that you can move forward into the light with greater awareness of yourself and your abilities, especially your intuitive abilities that you and all of us allowed to crumble under the pressure of our tormentors. Never again. You can grow to be more empowered than ever before. It’s starts with accepting yourself…flaws and all…and truly believing that you matter and you are worthy of being free from shame and blame. :(

    • I was involved with a narcissist sociopath for a year and a half. When he found his new source of supply, he dropped me dead cold and went no contact. I got over him fast – I valued my worth more and I think discovering he was a sociopath after the fact definitely played in the part of moving on. I paid attention to the true colors he showed me. I don’t know how he found out but today he texted me out of the blue, said something about himself first – obviously lol, then congratulated me some happy news on my life. And that was that. Nothing. Just odd and radom. If these kind of people have no apathy or care about us anymore, why keep our phone numbers, why reach out just to say one thing? It just doesn’t make sense. I have applied a new rule to myself – if the person isn’t in my life – someone I have put in the past or chose to be in the past – is irrevelant to me now. If people who come in your life want to stay in it, they will or they won’t. Their choice.

    • They keep coming back to see if the candy store is open. That’s why. Are you available to satisfy his immediate need for supply? If yes…great! If not…he can just go to the next storefront. :)

    • My Bf did the same with my computer. He is an IT computer guy. He was always monitoring me yet he was the one cheating. He had posted two ads on Craigslist casual encounters with his picture on it!It’s been about 7 weeks and only just over a week I have decided no contact is the only way to keep me sane. This was his last email to me two hours ago. I’m posting it for others to see “I love and hate you this is not right it’s torture and brings the worst out in someone why if u cared would put me through this after the year I just had what gratification do you get assuming I cheated on you and I’m no good I was in your bed every night Imade sure things ran smoothly I was part of the family on a whim you destroy my life karma will come back to you it’s not right talk to me” Yup it’s crazy making and the karma going to get you almost feels like a threat.

    • Wow, Starr! Thank you for sharing this. “I love and hate you…” — that says it all. :(

    • One of the things that gets me more angry about these sociopaths and narcissists is how you said everybody thinks of them as nice, charming people. After we broke up an she tried to beg me to come back into my life he would tell people a somewhat made story of me “breaking his heart” and that despite of this he wanted me back because he had put his pride aside and forgave me. And these people actually believed him until I told them my side of the story and how he stole from me and how he abused me emotionally and verbally. But still other people se him as this friendly and mostly “funny” guy. I think this is what he used to get people to like him and get their attention with his “sense of humor.” Eventhough in his jokes he usually makes fun of people. I recently found out he is dating a new girl and it honestly sucks to know that he will use someone else and hurt them ask much as he hurt me. I just wished everyone knew who really hides underneath his skin. But like u also said these people barely have friends. This guy does not have any friends probably bc at a point people always see how selfish and evil he is. I feel like people soemtimes might not know these peopel are sociopaths but once they get to know them and the socipaths shows them their point of view and thinking on several subjects you can tell that their is something wrong with the person. Others have told me how he’s way of thinking is just not right. These people are unbelievable I find them so pathetic. I had posted on this website during the summer explaining how this sociopath was trying to get back into my life after hurting me. There was a point where he left me alone for like a month but again started bothering me and begging to take him back, claiming that he “loved” me and I finally made the choice to put a restraining order on him. Since I kept record of all the msqs and calls and even recorder him wenever he approached me and even when he called me names after not being able to convience to get bak into his miserable life. Thanks to this my order was granted. It’s been a month and he hasn’t bother me. I’m hoping that with this order he doesn’t ever again in his life gets close to me and now that he has a new victim I see it less likely to happen. I just hope she soon finds out that this guy is crazy and leaves him.

    • They desire everyone to pity them…that is their biggest tool to influence and fool people. Dr. Martha Stout mentions this type of game play in her book, “The Sociopath Next Door,” which I highly recommend that you read. There is a link to it in the right menu under Books for Survviors. I hope your restraining order continues to work. Often times, RO’s simply encourage them to come up with new avaneues and opportunities to deceive.

  10. Amy,
    You’re here on this site – that should tell you all you need to know.

  11. What does it mean if he fits MANY of the sociopath traits but only 4 of the narcissist trait definitions? I’m not sure if I should be worried about this guy.

    • Are you sure about how this guy makes you feel? You know your answer intuitively. These lists of traits are intended to guide you to the truth that you keep pushing down and away from you consciousness.

  12. My Ex Wife is a perfect example of this. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and told me I was the crazy one. I came home one evening and found her in the bedroom with two men, caught in the middle of the act of having a three-way. When she saw me standing at the door with one guy in her mouth and the other guy with a bigger than a horse’s you know what pounding her va- J/J, I will never forget the look she gave me, while gagging on a fat sauage, like so what, I do what I want. I just stood there speechless, afraid to join in, but unable to run.

    When I left the house and came home later, she denied the whole thing and said I was lying and that it never happened.

    • OMG! Holy hell! I will never understand how they can drop any sense of dignity and then stand before us stone-faced and gaslight us. What a piece of ick!! I’m sorry you witnessed such a deception and were so deeply hurt.

  13. I’m reading the comments, and unable to decide if my belief that I might have been dating a narcissistic sociopath for three years is me being selfish, or me holding on to something that hurt me, or something true.

    I met him in high school–in 10th grade–and knew that I wanted to be his friend, but mostly that I wanted to be with him. I was very clean cut at this time, but had a history of dating boys that were the opposite of that (and by date, I mean ‘2 week high school realtionships,’ really, I was clean cut. When him and his girlfriend of two years broke up, he was a mess: he talked to me about wanting to kill himself and that he was going to go raving because he wanted to forget. I told him to talk to me, instead. I am guilty of always wanting to fix people, and this was no exception. And while he did have a lot of dark days ahead,I didn’t cut him out.

    During this time, I noticed his weird behaviors, but I was a stupid high school girl, and attracted to it. We talked non-stop online, every day, and I would play along easily with his games. I always talked about myself in the third-person with him. I let him say things about my parents that I have never regretted more. I let him say horrible things about people of different color, religious, nationality and more simply because he was him. And, I fell for him. Somehow, I was special and I liked that.

    After we started dating, everything slowly changed. He went to college, an hour drive away, and I began lying to my parents and sneaking away for weekends with him. I want to say now that this wasn’t about sex; I was in high school, and a virgin. On my second weekend visitation with him, he told me that he was hurting a lot and wanted to do acid. Did I mind if he did it while I was there? I told him I wanted to do it with him, too, and although he resisted at first, he let me. I had never drank alcohol, smoked weed or lit a cigarette before this, but I knew I would never understand him unless I tried, too.

    I won’t go into this much detail as we go on, but I fell into acid usage, pot smoking, ecstasy, mushrooms and more as time went on. I know that sociopathic behavior is similar to that of an addict, but his behavior went beyond addiction: even when drugs weren’t an active part of our realtionship, things were bad.

    He told me that he knew he had been chosen to be the one that would survive, and he knew that I was supposed to be the girl to stay with him. . Survive what? I never asked. I preferred not to know just how off he seemed to be. He told me to stop wearing skirts if he wasn’t around, to not paint my nails or wear earrings because I was ruining what was his. I was not allowed to talk to friends that he didnt’ approve of, and I was expected to be rude to, or ignore classmates that didn’t fit his idea of a good person. He told me not to touch myself, and refused to have sex with me because he wouldn’t use a condom, and didn’t allow me to use birth control. He told me if I got pregnant in high school he would force me to keep it (unless it was a boy, because he only wanted little girls). He cheated on me and slept with another girl, once, but even then when I begged him to make it better by sleeping with me (I know, high school girl mentality), but he refused.

    He bought me an engagement ring and told me to tell my parents we were engaged or he would start doing heroin, so I did. He told me everything would be fine, but it wasn’t. My parents were ashamed and I was forbidden to see him, but with them, he told me what to tell them and they lightened up and let me see him more and more, though I told them we both knew the engagement was a mistake and a joke, though he still saw us as engaged. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends, and I was being given diet pills (caffeine, essentially) to take during school so that I could stay awake; I was staying up all night with him doing drugs, raving, and keeping him company.

    It’s hard to explain how i knew I was being manipulated, and the thing that kills me is that I was are the whole time. We dated until I went to college, and within two weeks (though I was in the same town, just about an hour away), he got angry with me for living on a co-ed floor, and for talking to any other boys. I told him it was over, and he called me telling me was going to kill himself if I didn’t take it back. I called his mother and told him what happened, and asked her to watch over him because I would be blocking his number. After that, he still tried to call me. He still mailed me birthday presents.

    I’m very close friends with his sister (who also rarely talks to him). I haven’t talked to him since we broke up. It has been 4 years since I escaped him. And she just told me a few days ago that he just got out of rehab, and that he wouldn’t let her throw something away from his room because “that is a gift for Kayla, when she gets back.”

    I don’t think I can go near my hometown longterm ever again. I live in a different country now (long story, doesn’ thave to do with him) but I still fear him coming after me in the future.

    I don’t think I explained myself well, but these are things I’ve never talked about, and I just wanted to write it somewhere. Thank you for reading.

    • Just a message, it sounds like your ex is a trauma victim/addict and not a sociopath or narc, and you were a teenager who lacked identity and were easily influenced because you were desperate for acceptance.

      As teenagers, you were both still developing cognitively, and the drugs and that “scene” stunted and delayed your progress. You both found yourselves stuck in a state of selfishness and self-centeredness and didn’t move toward a state of being confident and independent. He was the natural leader of you both because he had some type of vendetta to fulfill, hence the statement he made related to being the one to survive. He already survived something, and he was seeking justice.

      My guess is that you rapidly changed once he no longer influenced you. My guess is that he crashed and went to rehab because he’s not cut out to be so disconnected from his conscience. If he were a sociopath, he wouldn’t even need the drugs to behave as he behaved. I think the drugs, in his case, served as a protective mask against a painful reality which he didn’t want to face.

      I’m sorry you are struggling.

  14. Once every few years, I look for a “refresher” course (to remind me of my progress) and today I was divinely guided to your site.
    It has been 9 years since I emerged from the hell that a misguided borderline inflicted on me and my young son. Most of the comments I have read here, were my story, only the actors are different. For those who read this, I assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am not defined by my past story anymore and today my new story is about the healthy me. Wise, aware, healthy and have learned to love the wonderful women (me) that always was. PEACE to all those in pain.
    Much love to all of you. You can do this!!!!!

  15. I have run away from the man I lived with in the UK. After reading a lot about sociopath’s I realise he has many traits if not all of them. He is a binge drinker and he physically and mentally beat me as well. My dad lives in Asia and I am now here getting my head straight for the next 5 months. I miss my friends but this is the only way I could get away from Him. He has been in contact while I have been away telling me he loves me blah blah blah but I have since found out he has been back on the dating website (where we met 3 yrs ago) and has been with another ‘victim’ all weekend. I had a feeling he was up to something, and my gut instincts have proved me right again, even from half way around the world.

    We met 3 years ago when I was 26, online. He was charming, good looking, funny. He said he had a job but was on his holiday’s. His profile said he had no children (not that kids are a problem) it transpired he has a son who was 9 at the time (who is a lovely boy but in the last 3 years has cut most contact with his dad, mainly due to his dad choosing to go out and get drunk instead of spending time with him when he comes over, and last time his dad got drunk and very confrontational with him and me)

    I was a happy go lucky, sociable and successful. I had my own cafe which I loved and I was living with friends when I met him. He persuaded me my friends were ‘walking all over me’ and I should move out the house where I lived with them. I ignored all the red flags and I do not know why.
    His job was fabricated, he even went to extremes of texting me to tell me how his day at work was going.

    Over the 3 years he told me stories (mostly when he was drunk) about his past and how he was nearly killed in China and how his friend was killed in front of his eyes. Over the 3 years I heard these stories many times and each time they changed, when I brought it up he would get angry and aggressive towards me. I realised he had a major problem with lying.

    I let him work in my cafe with me as he was too lazy to get a job, he would often get drunk the night before and tell me to ‘go f**** myself’ when I tried to get him up for work. Often leading me to not being able to open as I just didn’t have the man power to cope. I since got rid of my business I have told myself it was my choice but now I am starting to face up to the fact he played a role in it. I could not cope with him and running a big cafe/catering business on my own.

    He started another relationship (well it lasted a few weeks till I found out) with another woman.
    He let it all slip when he was drunk (again) and attacked me when I found out. I spoke to the other woman on the phone and the lies he told her were crazy and outlandish. She had two young children as well whom he had met.

    He has stolen countless things from me, a laptop, jewellery, money and my ipod which I ended up getting back. He gave it to his 14 yr old niece. I stayed in her room about a yr after it went missing and saw it on the side, I know it was mine because it was a gift from my mum and she had it engraved with my name. I confronted him and he went crazy hitting me and spitting on me calling me all sorts of names, mainly fat pig, ugly pig and saying things like ‘oink oink’.
    He was always very regretful the next day and quite frankly I was too exhausted to leave. I put on a lot of weight and generally thought no body would want me now, I am damaged goods.

    He has type 1 diabetes as well. One evening he got very drunk and said he was going to take an insulin over dose. He even tried to make me ‘try’ some insulin to prove I loved him. (I didn’t)

    He gave me black eyes and then told me to tell everyone at work and all the customers in my cafe I got beaten up in town on a night out (anyone that knows me knows I hate violence and would never get involved in a fight)

    I keep thinking its me that is the issue even though I know deep down I am not. He said I was the crazy one and I am mental. Although I left him I still feel used financially, emotionally, physically, mentally and now suddenly dropped. I know I will find no answers and getting closure on this situation is very difficult for me. My family know the basics of what has happened but I am too ashamed to tell them everything. I have small reminders of him with me always, if someone moves their hand quickly I automatically flinch/jump. I think of him immediately and how he has made me like this.

    He is due in court in December for assaulting me, the neighbours saw him dragging me around by my hair through a window and called the police. I did not press charges but the police are doing it off their own back. I am still unsure whether to make a statement. (My family and friends know nothing of the assault either) He has contacted me against bail conditions to tell me I am a grass (I did not ring the police) and he did not do anything wrong, I made him do it. He also told me he hoped the plane I was flying to Asia on crashes or I get run over by a bus.

    Sorry for writing so much, I could have written pages and pages but just wanted to get a bit of my story out there. It feels better to write it down.

    • Thank you for sharing your story, Kate. If there are people in your life that you trust, do not feel too ashamed to sit down and share what you can. His behavior is monstrous and people need to know in order to provide you with the greatest help and understanding. The biggest mistake we often make in the aftermath is fooling ourselves into thinking we’re okay and can handle all of the abuse without anyone’s help. He should not be contacting you and blaming you and trying to intimidate you more into being silent.

    • Hi Kate,
      I was married to a man with similar problems. You are mot alone. My advice is to get councelling for yourself. Also, do not talk to him at all, it only hurts you and he gets the attention he craves.
      You need to cut him off and start working on yourself.
      After I broke away, my life has improved amazingly. It took a lot of work and I went through a lot of changes. It’s worth it though. Good luck

    • Thank you anonymous and Paula for your comments. It is getting easier as each day goes past and I will have counselling on my return to the UK.
      I have now had no contact with him for nearly a week and am feeling much better for it! I have even started going to the gym again to lose the weight i gained.
      My best friend keeps e-mailing me with support, giving me reasons to stay away and reminding me of some of the things he has done to me, there have been so many I actually forgot some of them, but it keeps me strong.
      I will never go back to him now and I am trying to document everything he I have it on paper rather than churning around in my mind. The problem was there was so much!
      It also helps I found this website, its great! I can relate to pretty much every article…so Thank you Paula and everyone else!

  16. Wow. Its been 3 hours now to me reading all the comments, can barely withhold the tears. I’m now fully convinced my husband has NSD. we began dating two years ago when i was a very depressed individual.

    he came in my life like a breath of fresh air, showering me with extravagant love. it was barely a month when he had access to my fb account (of which, i was obviously unaware and he found out, i sent semi-naked photos of myself to a twitter friend i’d never met.) he asked me to wear something nice the next time we’d meet and said he had a surprise for me. so, he played this whole charade and then showed me screenshots of the photos sent, and left me stranded on the road. i cried. i pleaded sorry. but he was remorseless and abandoned me.

    suddenly, the following week, he called up and asked to see me..he had discovered that I had all the traits of a borderlined individual and showed me the proof in the form of videos and articles…we cried, we hugged and patched up. from this day on, he had a lot of control over my virtual life. (social life was non-existent since, my father ^a religious muslim, who was also very abusive, had banned me from going out.) somehow, we did manage to meet once in a week. those visits were heavenly. he’d give me so much love…i would be ecstatic and surprised and felt like he was healing me.

    this went on for six months until my dad found out that i’d been leaving the house. he beat me up. again. i felt like i could take it no more. that i could no longer stay in such an abusive restrictive environment…and my boyfriend fully supported me. a lot of things went haywire after. the most petrifying one being him being disowned by his parents. which meant, he had to sacrifice his rich boy life for me. he had never been very close to his parents, who gave him a choice between me and them.

    so, this meant, we’d be now staying together, in a new city. I had a full=time job, and he stayed at home, for 4 months, looking for a job. when he got the job, our timings started to clash, and we fought a lot. he convinced me to leave my job( and all the ones after). last november, we got married. all was never well, but he always gave me hope with the good times of abundant love. the bad times? he always convinced me it was my mood swings. the violent times? well, according to him, I asked for it. it was shattering, I never thought he could ever raise his hand on me.

    there are bouts of violence, sometimes i’ve a swollen eye, a bruised nose or both. he always convinces me, that i start those fights by crying and yelling thus asking for his beating.

    My judgement has been really impaired…no matter how much I do for him, it’s never enough to stop him from putting me down. I hate myself for going against my principles and for not leaving, everytime he thrashes me.

    Today, I spent the whole day doing chores and made chinese for him. all was good till his friends came over. We were watching funny videos on the computer.. and To my ignorance,one of my shirt buttons came undone. when i saw him giving me that disgusting stare, i realised the blooper and immediately buttoned it. and oh! his desktop wallpaper was me in a bra with him. which he never changed.

    when friends left, he accused me of undoing the stupid button deliberately, being an embarrassment and asked me not hang around when his friends come over. he even said, “you could have just gone naked instead.” and when I asked about the wallpaper, he just dismissed it. was a mistake. blah! it’s bewildering how he has different standards for himself and me. He just kept saying that I was an idiot, causing him a lot of distress. when I said he was accusing me for something i did not do, he asked me to stop talking and that I was irritating him by being around.

    I’m a complete mess. I’ve given up my life, my financial independence and probably my mental sanity for him.

    I really want to follow my instincts, but at the same time, I do not want to feel abandoned and live with the guilt of abandoning him when he needs me the most. (he’s lonely,his parents are cold, mine are now supportive.. we’ve shifted to another city and are working on an online venture together.)

    How do I come out of this dungeon?

    • He’s counting on you putting his needs before your own and feeling guilty if you do not. Whose opinion and approval of you are you most concerned with having? If you put his opinion of you before your own opinion of yourself, you will never escape. He manipulated you from the beginning and brainwashed you into being dependent upon his approval. You accepted him back into your life after he abandoned you because he convinced you that it was your fault that he abandoned you. He made himself seem like a great and caring guy because, despite you being borderline, he would still accept you. Weren’t you so damn lucky to have him accept you even though he knew what you were, a crazy, borderline who needed his love? He played the role of your savior, which endeared you even more to him. He planted the idea in your head that you were to blame for all of his shitty behavior against you. “You are borderline. You don’t know what’s real and what isn’t because you think everyone who isn’t for you is against you.” He was projecting his disorder onto you; you were his mirror. And now you somehow feel indebted to taking care of him because you think he took care of you. He NEVER took care of you; he controlled you and made you weak and dependent. You don’t know how to make a decision, at this point, without his approval and he certainly isn’t going to approve of you leaving him. He will devalue you even more if you try and succeed. “How ungrateful of you!” Is that what people who love you do?

  17. I’m 1 of the lucky ones. I recognized the Something was very wrong before anything got under way with a man. He seemed to assume that I was gonna cheat with him on his G.F.. He got that wrong, & his doing so really put me off him, but that didn’t put him off. All sorts of crap happened, like putting it out there that I had tried to break him & G.F. up. No -I said that I wouldn’t go out with someone who was in a relationship! He heard, “You must break up with your G.F..”
    Bullshit!! And more unending B.S.!
    It’s a year later, he broke up with former G.F., & he took a few tries at seeing if I was still interested.
    I was not.
    I have read some things that he wrote online & it seems that their break up involved police @ least twice,… & perhaps a court case? ( he was forced to pay her ‘ More’ (?) money?) How was any $$ involved if they were not living together, & were, “Just B.F. & G.F.”? He originally said that he had instigated the split. Later, it sounded like she had. Then he claims to have tried to get her back… Stalking? Cyber Stalking? Like the crap he pulled on me while he was with her?

    It also seems to have involved mutual destruction of each other’s property & an allegation that he hit /assaulted her. I know her to be a perfect match in the ‘head case’ dept., so I don’t know that I believe the assault allegation. She & he both have accused me of things that I didn’t do. A Perfect Match made in Hell.
    Now to hear it told, I’m supposed to be sad…’Poor me! I got dumped & I’m pining away for him.’
    Super$hit has been telling this to any that will hear, & he doubtlessly has his big family helping to save his ego with gossip. I’m told that “He isn’t that interested in women.” Lols!!
    True! The women don’t interest’s just getting laid, & being taken care of that is his chief interest. He’s so ‘uninterested'; that he’s on web dating sites & has been since before their official big split! He also likes to blab about & post his sexual exploits on line. ‘Wonder what his Mom would think of that? :D
    He seems to think of sex as something like waiting until someone turns their head & then he spits in their coffee…Putting something over on a woman. Big Joke. :(

    My problems are not huge like many on this board -Thankfully!
    However this jerk & his The World According To ME, stuff is beginning to get me annoyed, esp. when it’s coming from the Town Gossip across the street. I want to say, “Do I look like the kind of Idiot who would go with a cheater, or get involved with a perp. of domestic violence, or a vandal, or deal daily with a liar, or a manipulative person who likes to set people up for things he did? Or some one who thinks of sex as a dirty trick played on the unsuspecting????”


    • Holy cow! It’s amazing how they try to suck you into their ugly schemes and then judge you as an evil schemer if you reject their scheme! It’s mind boggling! You are definitely in a better place than most and the only way to detach is to disengage. There is no need to defend yourself; the truth and reality will be revealed in time. And I have no doubt that his GF was probably his wife and that she is (or was) a good person before being impacted by his abuse and manipulations. What often goes unsaid is that victims take on the negative qualities are their persecutors just to find normalcy in an abnormal environment. And it’s often done without the victim realizing they’re doing it until it’s too late. PTSD and cognitive dissonance are a powerful force of negativity and it’s sucking you in, Pennyfarthing. Focus on your health and happiness and take a step back and see the humor in the drama instead of allowing them to interject you into the middle of it.

    • I forgot the porn. He hacked my computer & email & sent porn with very personal headers. One had everyone in our family ‘pictured’ in the header.
      I didn’t open them -Good thing too cuz they had a virus attached that would have sent then to everyone on my email list. I’m glad I read headers before opening!
      The Ex G.F…? Actually I think she is ‘The Pivot Point’. I’m quite sure that she has gotten me in a car accident that totalled my car. That was 3 years ago, & long before I had ever met her ‘Mr. Special”. She has tried the same things on several other occasions since. Her own mother cautioned me about her.

      Truthfully, I expect that they may be back together, & sooner than you might think. IMHO, they feed off each other, hatch plots, & “get people” as a pair. They can’t get that from normal human beings, & boredom will set in.

      They were co-workers @ one time. Are they still? Who knows…? He may have marked territory (he likes doing that!) on his work place & gotten her to leave. (I know some work places have a dismissal clause for people involved in domestic disputes/violence.) If she pressed charges, she may have gotten him fired. He misrepresents this workplace relationship with her to any who are not aware of it. I wonder why?
      Married? Maybe common law, but that would take 5 (? ) years for that to be legally binding. I don’t think either of their attention spans would be that long.

      I was on a board that discussed sociopathy & narcs. I’m sure that he cut in there with garbled delusional craziness, right into a conversation. Then the board went off line & I have not been able to access it since -? Did I get banned via HIM!? If he messed even more with my computer, it could have happened.

      Anyway, I’m glad that I’m here! I feel at home here. I can vent with people who know what these people can do to others. When that other board went down, I felt very alone.

    • I have spent the entire day reading about Sociopathy. The only problem I have in relating is that my ex never even raised her voice, she was never angry or aggressive. I realise she was totally controlled…
      The upshot of all this reading is ‘Please God – she is not a Sociopath’ Yet I know she is. She is in prison for the heinous crimes of deception and fraud against her ex partner. I was too weak to follow through with the crimes she perpetrated against myself….

    • Paula, I wish to apologise to you & any here that I may have offended by my comments. Paula, you may be correct about him & “G.F.” being married, or @ the least being in some sort of financial arrangement.

      I also wish to say :Sorry” to any who found my comments offensive, Re “Who would be dumb enough…to get involved with……..”
      Plenty of us !!, including me, would be “dumb enough”. That’s why these kinds of people are so successful. They know decent people, & susceptible people. They know what we want, & how to mirror us & fool us. They know what they want, & how to get those things from us. I was nutz about that guy from the moment I first saw him, & he seemed to like me a lot too. I sure must have looked like the perfect fool. :(

      I know now that I was researched for quite a while beforehand, & was spied on for a long time after I faded. He was really sure that I was still hooked. I’m also quite sure that he had told G.F. that he would move on to me if she didn’t behave. I guess he wanted to wring every last thing out of that relationship before moving on, but it went sour faster than he expected. I still think that woman was ‘the love of his life’, in that he will prob. never find anyone who mirrors him that well. (Like 2 Narky peas in a pod!)

      I don’t trust my own judgement, & I don’t trust people any more,. I’ve become pretty selfish, & hard edged . I’m not even sure that I want that to change. I don’t want to have this happen again, but I don’t want to be like this either!

      Re: metal & emotional problems. As I’ve said, it’s possible to be Depressed, Bi-Polar, have OCD, Aspergers or any & all combinations of a host of mental problems in conjunction with being a Narc or Socio. It’s possible for this to have had some very negative impacts on their lives & made things worse, just like their victims have to ‘armour up’ , so have they.
      However they can also be adept at playing the Victim, & they have a kind of multi functioning Dr’s note to validate themselves. They can go from someone who functions quite well to a bumbling mess, or a violent person if the situation will work in their favour. Are they Really THAT destroyed? No one will ever know -maybe not even them where the truth ends & selfishness begins..

      It doesn’t matter Why someone is a jerk, & makes your life Hell. All you need to know is that you cannot continue, no matter how valid his/her excuses seem, or how sorry you find yourself feeling for that person
      . Why have 2 people in need of psychiatric care.instead of just one? You need to look after yourself, & your kids if you have them. It’s a foregone conclusion that he or she will do neither because they are not capable of that kind of empathy.

    • The hardness and the “edge” you’re feeling also keeps you closed off from getting to know yourself. Plus, it’s a direct result of experiencing abusers and is our default defense. It isolates us, and should, until we make the realization and choice to free ourselves from that lonely place. You want to be loved and accepted and nurtured and held. Start by learning to love, accept and nurture yourself. :)

    • Wow Pennyfarthing,
      It sounds like you dated my ex-boyfriend. The story is the same! You are lucky to have gotten out without the mental, physical and property damage!

    • Well, apparently…Here We Go Again! I had avoided a board that we both posted on since mid July (?) or about then. No contact & that was the only contact we had except for passing each other in traffic @ times.
      Then it started again a few weeks ago. 2 days in a row, he’s there on the road. Car pulls a left sharply ahead of me, & sits @ the edge of a lane way. Same car is making a left turn & does a little wave the next day.
      In July, he was supposed to have found “The One”, or so he said on the board. This was only a few weeks after a girl he met on a computer dating site called it quits with him .I breathed a sigh of relief @ this news. Maybe it would stick this time! I stopped checking in to that web sight & life started to get “Normal” again.
      After seeing his car twice in 2 days,& one weird incident before when I was putting out the garbage with an unknown vehicle & a possibly disguised driver. (He has done disguises before.)
      Anyway, I ‘peeked’ secretly @ the board, & he has broken up with her (or maybe vise-versa-?) This was posted the day I saw his vehicle for the 2nd. time, 2 days in a row. Reason for break up??? He has been dating her for 3 months & she won’t have sex with him. She is barely up for kissing. His family ‘loves’ her , & they are still friends. (Of course his family loves her ! -Cuz she’s Not boinking him! :P )
      He was actually pretty decent in his reaction to her aversion to intimacy. A lot less bitchy than his usual reaction to his ex’s. @ least in the post. Who knows what he said in private though?. He doesn’t seem to have asked her, “Why” she didn’t want any intimacy. Odd that he wouldn’t, don’t you think?
      Soooo….. What makes him think that I’m a a ‘solution’ to his drought? After the crap I went through with him, his family & his friends, the thought of any kind of intimacy about makes me want to barf. We never had Any physical contact, but after the harassment, I have no trust left, & I just feel that relationships are not worth the risk of running into another nut job.
      I’m just disgusted with him & his opinion of me! Every time he has a break up, this $#it starts again. :(

    • Do you tell him exactly how you feel about him when he tries to reach out to you? Otherwise, he’ll just keep assuming that he can continue to use you as he did before. That’s why he comes back, because he knows he can break down your boundaries. Otherwise, he’d find someone with easier boundaries to shatter. And I say this without judgment. I know what it’s like to have flimsy boundaries. :)

    • I have tried to tell him that This Is Never Going to Happen & I’ve told him exactly WHY. I have told him this on a B. Board that we were both posting on. I have told him repeatedly & in detail. On the occasions that I have attempted to tell him in person, face to face, it has been a ‘set up’ & I’m made to look like the one who is stalking him. (that’s 3 times to date.)
      I no longer trust him to not use any meetings to set me up yet again, & this would break No Contact’. I’m also becoming afraid of him. The only way that I could contact him is to follow him when he does these drive-bys in traffic , & I really don’t think that is a good idea. (he has pulled off into a large apt. parking lot, & onto a rural road that I’m not familiar with.) I have no trust in him, & not enough to meet up with him in person.) All his interactions with me except the 2 times that he pulled up to my house have been covert & sly.
      There may be some light @ the end of the tunnel…or not. It seems he (or maybe his younger brother) are hanging out at a house located almost right behind ours. I’m being treated to a bunch of C over high C soprano, loud, hysterical sounding drive by insults on a regular basis…. ?
      This was never an actual relationship. I was never part of what ever it was anyway. I was not heard. No input from me was ever required. It was/is all in his mind. Over 14 months ago was the last time I actually spoke to him face to face.I said then that if he became single, he should let me know. In the interim, I have seen so much that I can’t deal with from him. I have told him on line Why many many times. When the stalking, cyber stalking started, or rather when I found out about it, he was Toast to me! Snooping, spying, sneaking, & setting me up. NOPE!

  18. Hey it is Susan, is there anyone out there who can help me. I posted a short message about how I feel my husband is a sociopathic narcissist. He is not just sociopathic but he is also a narcissist. My mother thinks I am crazy………….she is under his spell plus she feels that she is responsible for him. I told her yes he is going to leave and yes he will end up just where he started doing drugs and alcohol and along the way he will look for victims. I am not a victim mom and he has to go……….the sooner the better. I will never get ahead with him in my life. He will spend all his money and then mine………that is what he has done all along………and I let him. Last night he said he was going to get a prostitute and was talking jibberish about canoes, lost me there.
    What he does not get is that I am not under his spell anymore. My foolish notions are gone.How do I move ahead and make the most of my future. Yeah it is gonna hurt, don’t kid myself there
    were and are things about these people that are likeable otherwise we would not stick around
    for so long………………….but I see clearly now. So how do I go forward in a positive and healthy way.
    Paula, anyone out there……………this site is invaluable, so hope your checking in and waiting for some answers. Thanks……..Susan

    • Susan, I think you understand what you must do. I read your advice to another, and it’s clear to me that you understand. You know. Believe and have faith in knowing that you’re not alone and there is no need to try convincing anyone that what you have experienced is real and damaging. Instead of me trying to tell you what you should do, ask yourself what you wish you had the strength and courage to do next. Any physical or financial barriers or those you create in your mind are where you need to start. What is keeping you from taking that leap of faith?

    • Hi Susan! Things will get better if you stay away from him!
      Of course your mother doesn’t get why you need to break up with him. He has been grooming her since he 1st met her to believe him. When you do leave, you may be surprised to find out how many people he has brainwashed.

  19. Hi, my name is Susan.
    I went to see my daughter yesterday for about 6 hours or so and did not make it home on time to take my husband to the xray department which is across the street…he has not spoken to me since. In fact he said I was really at a BBQ and he hoped is was great. I tend to doodle
    and I was talking to me son in law about having a barbecue before summers end and wrote down the word bbq and I also said you must be glad I brought over the AC cause it has been so hot. The husband saw this…………of course when I got home from my daughter’s he bitched and raved and then took the money he doesn’t have and went out and got really drunk…………..had a bad poop in the downstairs bathroom and proceeded up the stairs naked in front of my mother and myself…………………wow…………….He has give my mom one month’s notice but he won’t have a dime, makes twice the money I do and then goes after mine………..I fear he is a narcissist sociopath and
    this is just a mild example of the hell I have lived through in the three short years of marriage to him……………………a lot of which is blocked out of my mind simply because most of it is incomprehensible…… I right about him…………I swear I am dead on

  20. Starting my “detox” journey today at this second….very relieved I found this site and this community….it is awesomely hard but decided to cut contact mi first 24 hours…trying my best to keep strong, calling texting family and friends and trying to reconnect with my loves ones who were abandoned while trapped and manipulated……wish me luck and send me good energy as I will do that for all of you going through the same….

  21. I can relate to a lot of these stories..but I’m confused on if my ex was really a sociopath/narcassist, or just an insecure, insensitve jerk. He started out the same way that they all seem to do. Long emails and texts about how much he was “into” me, and attracted to me he was. He would send pages and pages of sexually descriptive things he wanted to do to me, in cards and in texts and emails, and this was even before our first date! We emailed and texted like this for about a month before we had our first official date. He was working out of town at the time (we are from the same town, and have a lot of mutual friends) So he got a hotel room, When I walked in, it was gifts from Victoria’s Secret, expensive jewelry, and a long handwritten card. I was shocked, but flattered at the same time. What kind of girl doesn’t want romance and attention, along with gifts and cards? I would get flowers at work and at home every other week..and for some reason, he would always want me to take a picture and put on Facebook..(narcisstic quality?) And of course, the sex was mind blowing. This all pretty much lasted for about a year and a half. But in between, there was a lot of jealousy. He started going through my phone, picking fights with me when I had plans to go out with friends. He would accuse me of cheating on him with my guy friends. He would question my every move. It started to get to the point where I was recognizing that he was a very controlling and insecure person, and I would break it off. He would always be there within the next day or two, with the emails and texts, saying how much he needed me and that we were going to be together forever, and that I was his soulmate. I was madly in love with him, but the constant jealousy was getting to be too much. We started fighting more and more. He started calling me names, putting me down, and basically making me feel like I was worthless. We would break up, get back together once a week it seemed like. Even though I was usually the one to end things, I would feel like I couldn’t breathe without him. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t function, I was sad and depressed without him. But at the same time, I was starting to feel that way being with him too! I was so confused all the time, and so tired of getting called a cheater, which I had never cheated on him at all the whole time we have been together. I was so tired of walking on eggshells. Thoroughout the relationship, he got physical with me on 3 different occasions. He once kicked me in the head while driving down the road with his boot. And I still went back! He has smashed tv’s of mine, my car windshield, and several of my belongings. He has broken into my house and busted all my water pipes, causing thousands of dollars in damage…and I still went back! He was at times, the most fun loving, romantic and caring boyfriend I could ever ask for. But at the same time, within seconds, turn into the coldest, meanest, most insensitive individual I have ever encountered. It was just a constant roller coaster. He still continued to lift me up as high as I’ve ever been, but could knock me down so low I couldn’t even get out of bed to function. But I couldn’t ever stay apart from him for too long..because I felt like a part of me had been ripped out. Like he was literally a drug, and I was going through withdraws without him. So then, the whole cycle would start all over. Finally, the last few months it was getting to be every day that we were arguing about something. He started telling me he was cheating on me, and then take it back and say he only said it out of anger. I started hearing from other women that he was hitting on them, or trying to “hook up” I was also hearing other’s opinions about him, and they were never good. I don’t know if he was a compulsive liar, I think he was and I was just so naive to realize it. Either that, or he was just so damn good at it that I never really realized it.
    My breaking point to where I finally ended it came a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. We were on one of our “breaks” and I messaged him to tell him I had something important to talk to him about. He has been laid off for the summer, so he has been doing a lot of partying, and is basically out every night of the week. Basically, he didn’t respond to me until the next night. He is 46, and I am 33, and we had no plans or intentions on having any children whatsoever. I was on birth control, and while taking antiobiotics for a UTI I became pregnant. I told him, and then showed him the test, and he was fine and somewhat compassionate for a couple of days, and then totally flipped a switch. He told me I was lying, and then that it wasn’t his, and that he wanted a paternity test. He told me he didn’t care if i had the child or not, he wouldn’t have anything to do with it either way. He then told me that if I had it, he would get full custody and make me pay child support. He was completley heartless and cold to the whole situation. He was out partying every night while I was at home dealing with it. He would call me names an belittle me, saying that the kid could be anyones and that he wasn’t going to take any sort of responsiblilty for anything. I ended up terminating the pregnancy a couple of weeks ago..and he wouldn’t even help me to pay for the cost of it all. I was completly devastated. A few days after I went and got it done, he was texting me asking how everything went, and that he loved me, and that he was sorry for everything. I basically told him to go to Hell and I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. That he wasn’t the man for me, and that he was someone who I would never let hurt me that way ever again. Now I have said this time and time again, and still took him back every time, but somehow this time was different. I couldn’t see myself loving someone like that anymore. Someone who had so little compassion and empathy for another human being. I just couldn’t even fathom it anymore. That was almost 2 weeks ago today, and I have not spoken to him once. I blocked him from my phone, email, and Facebook. Something that I have never been able to do in a year and a half. I have ran into him at the same functions a couple times since then, because like I said, we have mutual friends. For some reason, it doesn’t bother me so much that we are not together anymore, it bothers me more than anything that he is looked at as this funny, charming, fun loving guy to the people we know in our town. Only some know what he is really truly like. For some reason, I want to scream to the world what a POS horrible person he really is. With that said, it DOES gets a little easier day by day. It’s hard to envision yourself without the person you made all these plans for the future with, the person you saw yourself with forever. But I think about it like this..I can’t love someone who has no soul and no heart. I am better than that. And a person like this cannot love back.And if they do, it’s always with consequences. It will never be his fault, and I will always be to blame for everthing. And I don’t want to live like that! So it’s never going to amount to anything. Ever. I kept thinking I could change him, that eventually he would see what a good person I was and how much I loved him. It was just never good enough. My only problem now is trying to forgive…because I have so much anger and hatred for him over the hurt and pain he has caused me. I hope eventually.. I can find it someday.

    • Andrea, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds all too familiar in many aspects. And you’re allowed to feel angry at being treated less than human. You’re allowed to have visions of revenge and making him well-aware that you know what he is. (Where do you think the original energy came from for me to start writing my story? I wanted him to know what a POS he was and that his true nature was no secret to me.) But once the anger subsides, you’re still left with yourself and the realization that you will never receive any answers or explanation from him, nor will you receive an apology. My mother told me forgiveness is in God’s hands, because only God has the power to truly forgive the unforgivable. :)

    • Thank you for the response. I think this site is great! It really gives a lot of support and lets you know that you are not alone. I do have a question. I know that these types of people move on pretty fast to their next “victim”. Is it out of line to warn this person what they are getting ready to encounter, or is it just better to keep the distance and remain no contact all the way?

    • Andrea, would you have heeded any warnings? The only thing reaching out to the new victim does is 1.) prove your ex’s accusations that YOU are the crazy one and 2.) makes the new victim dig in her heels and remain in the relationship longer to prove you wrong and to prove she is better than you and more willing to give him the love he “deserves” FINALLY!!

    • Ooooh! Yes…good point. I probably honestly wouldn’t have given it too much thought if someone else had warned me. He seemed so perfect and wonderful, and I would have thought exactly what you said! And he does tell everyone that I am the crazy jealous and psycho one! Imagine that!

    • Hehe! Hey, we are all crazy and psycho, don’t ya know? :)

    • Well I broke the no contact and unblocked him from my phone. Sure enough..a few days later he’s texting me about how much he misses me and loves me, and how he misses all the little things we used to do together. That I will always have a place in his heart, that he has never loved like this before..blah blah blah. The same old story. All the while he is sleeping with at least 2 other girls, both 20 years younger than him! I told him I would never be with him, and to leave me alone (not in those words, that is the edited version) We then got into a war of hateful texts back and forth, and for some reason, I guess I was still expecting an apology or an explanation, but all I got was a half ass apology and then a lot of name calling and put downs. And I also felt like we had so many good times together, and we have shared our lives together for a year and a half, how can I just block a person out like that? A person that I shared so much with for so long? Well then he proceeds to tell me he’s got a girl over and they are sitting there laughing at all my crazy texts. I cried for a good while about it because I was actually doing pretty good with the whole no contact thing. Now I am just replaying all the horrible mean things he said to me in my head over and over, and feeling like I’m back to square one. I guess I will never get an explanation or any kind of real apology, and it’s just really hard to accept.

    • Take all the time you need. Forgiveness has it’s own time frame. Cicely Tyson in “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” said it best, “you got to forgive or they hold their power over you!” I had to keep reminding myself of that. Be good to yourself always.

    • Andrea,
      He sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. He sounds like a narcissistic sociopath. I am no expert but I went through the same thing minus the pregnant part. Im still hurt and angry also but writing it down and talking about it helps. If you can afford professional counseling do it but I had to read books like “Why Does He Do That” and hundreds of hours research online to help me. I hope the best for you. Be good to yourself.

  22. […] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath – Paula Renee on WordPress […]

    • Wow, this blog has made so much sense of the last 11 years! It’s been hellish and now he’s with another ‘Victim to be” he still persists in vicious lies and acrid emails, texts, even when stating he hates me and never wants to hear from me again!….(worrying?). The comms are daily now and so aggressive, that we are becoming scared and I am cautious about leaving our 10 yr old in his company during visits. My story is so long and horrid, but just to confirm some of the other points in the posts…….”Why have you stopped coming near me physically?” (Me!) “Because I know you really want it!” ……this sums up their thinking, and clearly nothing like this could manifest itself in a normal functioning persons mind. It’s the start of your own disgusting devaluation and supports the self loathing that follows…..

      A huge give away in spotting the Narcissist/Sociopath is their distain and dislike, lack of empathy and understanding for pets, dogs, cats etc, there is nothing to help them translate their needs or how they communicate with someone normal.. there is NO comprehension of the pleasure and love the family pet can bring. This is a huge give away. Personally, for me, a pet is like a child to some extent, and treated as such, people who don’t like or understand domestic animals have something else going on…(be warey!)

    • I agree. Often they use animals, like children, as tools to control. They are very good at pretending to care about all animals and children when, in reality, they care only as much as they can control the animal and all attached to the animal. :(

  23. Its a good portrayal of a consciencless Sociopath and I am glad that you found out in time and had the strength to get rid of him, you are lucky if he leaves your life without stalking you but of course he knows that the world is full of victims,
    at least now you know what to look out for and hopefully that will stay with you for life, protect yourself and survive.

  24. i grew up in a family with 2 sociopaths …. terribly unlucky :(
    but at least i know ….. i think of the ones who don’t .

    • Thank you, Axiom, for your comment. It does seem terribly unlucky, but I’m sure knowing has empowered you. As for those who remain unaware, I think about them everyday.

  25. I am new to this site and I desperately need some help to understand what has happened and why and if it was all my fault. Here is my story I will try to keep it as short as possible. I met my ex about a year and a half ago. he was a friend of my dads and my dad introduced us one night at a bar he dj’s at. we talked all night long. the next day he called and asked me out but I explained to him that my life was really messed up as I was currently married but separated from my husband and I needed to figure out my life and get it straightened out and I didn’t think it was fair of me to get anyone else involved in my messed up situation and he told me to let him decide that. he was really easy to talk to and seemed to understand what I was going through, he made me feel better about myself. we talked for awhile through text messages and some phone calls but I slowly stopped communicating with him because I got spooked because he was telling my parents how much he liked me and that he was in love with me and it scared me because I thought we were only friends. but in time I missed talking to him I felt like he was my guy version of a best friend and I could tell him anything so we started texting again and my feelings for him grew into more then just friends. he was so charming and sweet and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to him that I deserved to be treated like a queen and that’s how he treated me in the beginning. he constantly told me how much he loved me and that I was his life that he needed more and more time with me.he gave up doing things he liked doing even though i asked him not to he said it was the only way our relationship was gonna work. we had been seeing each other for about 5 months when i saw a post he put on facebook saying that he got engaged well of course I was wondering what the heck was going on so i called him and he said that we were engaged which was news to me, he got anger with me because he said he asked me to marry him, yes we had talked about getting married in the future but he never asked me asked me, i in the end ended up feeling like it was all my fault and that maybe he did ask me and i just didn’t remember exactly so i ended up being the one to say i was sorry. the next day when i went to visit him he had made me a ring at work and got down on one knee in his bedroom/living room and asked me to marry him i was so taken aback I said yes but my head was spinning i was so confused at that point. every time we argued or i didnt do something he liked or make a decision as fast as he thought i should or if i was even a few minutes late he would get mad at me and say he needed to end things. he would go talk to my dad about me and tell him that i was always lying to him and try to get my dad to tell him what he should do to get me to leave my current situation and move in with him he would drive an hour to my best friends house and talk to her about us and how everything was my fault and that’s why we always fought and ask her what he could do cuz he thinks he made a big mistake in letting me go. half the time I didn’t even know he was talking to either of them and when I did find out I felt like he was going behind my back trying to make me look like I was at fault for all our problems and I guess I started to believe I was. the more he pushed me the further I was pulling away, but I was in love and didn’t want to loss him so I tried to do whatever I could to make him happy. I stopped hanging with my best friend and stopped going to see my family and spent less and less time with my kids just so I could be with him but it still wasn’t enough he wanted me full time and I wasn’t ready to make that big of a decision. around Christmas time things really got bad, on Christmas day I spent it at home with my kids and he knew that I was gonna be doing that and I had planned on going to spend the weekend with him well he got mad and called me and told me that he was tried of my games and he was coming to my house if I didn’t meet him so I made up some excuse so I could go meet him and we talked for a long time he was upset because he wanted to spend xmas with me and in the end I was the one who said I was sorry and broke down crying and begging him to forgive me and that I would make it up to him. he always threatened to come to my house and there was a few times he actually did. I should explain that I was still living with my soon to be ex husband and my kids I sleep in the basement but I didn’t want my kids involved in this at all I felt like their home is where they feel safe and I didn’t want that taken away from them so every time he threatened to go to my home or would show up it scared me more and more but I still couldn’t end things because I truly believed he was my soul mate. but I did start to pull away and finally got to the point where when he threatened to do something or broke things off with me I just let him do what he felt like he needed to do, I was sick and I couldn’t deal with it all anymore. well in January I lost my baby brother 2 days before my 38 bday and it broke my heart and my family was in pieces well he was there for me and for my dad he helped me feel strong enough to help my parents get through it well for the first few days anyways and I thought to myself hes back my best friend is back but it didn’t last long the day after my brothers funeral he called me about airline tickets we were planning on going to Italy in april and he found tickets for a decent price I was so messed up in the head at that point that I wasn’t ready to make a decision on if I wanted to go with him still yes I loved him but there was so much going on and I needed time to process it all and I needed time to grieve with my family but he wouldn’t take a I don’t know for an answer his friends told him to not let me use my brothers death as an excuse to take my time with things and he wasn’t about to give me anytime to think about things, now mind you I have been sick for about 2 months at this point now and I just lost my brother and him and I were not technically together because he broke things off with me but none of that mattered to him and I should’ve said no but I didn’t I eventually said yes to buy them because believe it or not I still loved him very much and didn’t want to be without him. well a couple days after my brothers funeral my family and I went to the bar where my dad dj’s at to be with him for support and my ex was there he got really mad at me because I didn’t go right up to him and talk to him because I was with my family and we were there to support my dad, he texted me and told me to come outside to talk so I did I didn’t take my phone or purse because I assumed we were just gonna talk in his car but as soon as I got in he took off I kept asking him to take me back but he refused we got into an argument about the money for the ticket he wanted me to pay for my ticket because he didn’t feel like I would go with him to Italy well I told him I didn’t have my purse so I couldn’t get him any money so he drove to my house threatening to go in and ask my husband for the money for the ticket (at this point my husband knew about us) I kept begging him to take me back to the bar because I knew my family would be getting worried but he wouldn’t in the end I ended up apolizing for whatever was going on and we made up but my dad was very upset that I left like I did but I took all the blame because I didn’t want my dad to be mad at him. I got him half the money and we talked and he said he could handle things the way we were but messaged me the next day saying he couldn’t he was sick from what all was going on and he needed me completely and if I couldn’t make that decision then he couldn’t do this anymore and I told him I couldn’t make that decision he wanted to meet later that night to end things and give back my stuff, I had dinner plans with my best friend and he somehow found out where we were and showed up but amazingly he didn’t have my belongings with him I was supposed to go sit with my mom because it was the first time she was gonna be home alone since my brother passed away (he passed away in my parents house) but I instead sat with him in his car for hours talking about the same stuff we always did and getting no where but in the end again I gave in and took all the blame but I guess he still felt like we were not together so I stopped texting him because I needed a break from all the drama and I was still really sick. finally I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant that is why I had been so sick I went and told him the day after I found out I was scared to death of what his reaction would be, at first he was not very happy but before long he was very happy or at least I thought he was. I was so confused and sick and scared and I didn’t know what I wanted at that point all I knew was that I wanted my baby. well he got in some trouble at work and decided to go home to Italy for a few days we texted a little when he got back he sent me a text saying he realizes I needed time and he was gonna give that to me ect ect ect so I told him yes I did need time to figure things out my head was such a mess. I didn’t hear anything from him for over a month I know I should’ve tried contacting him but I could barely function and didn’t want to talk to anyone at that point I didn’t even get off the couch I was so sick. well I lost the baby in the end of feburary, I called him to let him know and we talked for hours. I know I handled that so wrong because I should’ve talked to him in person but at that point I was so broken and still so sick I didn’t want to see anyone, I just laid in bed and cried well the next day I talked to him and he told me all this stuff his friends told him and that he believed I faked the baby because I wouldn’t let him go talk to my doctor, he accused my dad and my best friend of helping
    me fake my baby and the paperwork I had given him, which is insane my dad just lost his son and
    my dad looked at my ex as a very good friend he let my ex come in the room while my family and
    I were deciding what we were gonna do with my brothers organs that’s how much my dad liked him
    and my best friend cant have anymore kids and wants them so bad she would never help me or
    anyone fake a baby and not to mention that it is illegal to fake the kind of paperwork I gave him
    its a felony and I don’t care how much they cared about me they would never risk going to jail to
    help me do something illegal and something so horrible and mean and I myself would never ever do something so cruel especially to someone I love with all my heart, so yes I said no I wouldn’t let
    him go talk to my doctor not after all he had accused me of and the stuff he was telling everyone and the stuff he was putting on facebook and honestly I wasn’t ready for him to go in and grill her and I knew he would. the next week I went into see my doctor to make sure everything was ok and she gave me paperwork to give to him letting him know that I had suffered a loss. I also had given him the paperwork the doctor had given me when I found out I was pregnant. he started putting stuff on facebook about me and how I faked being pregnant to get him to stay with me which is insane because I stopped talking to him after I found out I was pregnant. I begged him to take that stuff down, we talked for a long time on the phone and I told him I would let him go talk to my doctor but he said it didn’t matter anymore. I had to go into therapy because I was a mess all I wanted to do was die but because of my kids I couldn’t do that to them and because that’s how my brother died by killing himself I couldn’t hurt my parents more. he told me that he was in therapy now too and he coincidently started the same exact day I did. we talked on and off a few times. I still loved him even after he accused me of faking our baby and all I wanted was for him to believe me and to still love me and want to comfort each other over our loss. so I got all the paperwork I could from my doctor and dropped them off at his apt with a letter telling him how I felt and hoping he would believe me and if he didn’t love me anymore that he would just stop telling lies about me well he texted me and said he was headed to my house he was really mad. so I met him at a store and he flipped out on me yelling and swearing at me at the top of his lungs he had never really yelled at me before but somehow always made his point get across that everything was because of me, eventually he calmed down and we talked like normal people well my kids showed up and he got into an argument with my oldest luckily my youngest had more sense then I did at the moment and got in the vehicle and took my oldest home. my ex and I sat and talked for 5 hours about everything and anything he told me how much he still loved me and that he still believed we could be together that nothing was stopping us and that he never believed I faked the baby he just told me that because he wanted me to hate him I was so confused at that point and I told him yes I still loved him but I didn’t know about being together because I thought I should and try and see if I could fix my marriage even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to because I truly did love my ex and not my soon to be ex husband, but for my kids I felt I should try. when we said goodnight that night I thought we left on good terms. he still hadn’t given me back my stuff and I asked him about it and he said I would get it back when the time was right. well he left to go to Italy on the trip we were supposed to go together on and we didn’t talk again after that night in april well I thought all was good and I truly was missing him so I messaged his sister and she basically told me to let him go that it was to late so I listened to her and didn’t contact him like I wanted to so bad and he didn’t contact me so I figured he was over me and everything so I let it go . well at the end of may he dropped my belongings and a ten page letter and the letter I wrote him and some naked pics of me and another pic he had of me off at my soon to be ex in laws house in the middle of the night on their porch. my ex mother in law kept everything except my cloths. I called him but he didn’t answer I just wanted to know how he could hate me so bad he is the one who walked away. he told her that I faked my baby and she believed him even tho he said he had proof but never provided any. my kids and husband already knew everything before he sent all that stuff so it didn’t really affect them like it affected me. I wanted to die and most days I still do. I still love my ex so much and I miss him so much and I feel like something is wrong with me for feeling this way because everyone tells me I should hate him and I try to but I cant I want him back in my life but I know I shouldn’t. I just want to know was it me did I make him change from the wonderful guy I first met to the controlling, crazy guy I now know. and why do I still love him after all he has done. and is what he did by sending that stuff to my in laws something a normal person does and if he was done with me and our relationship and was in a new relationship why did he bother why didn’t he just throw my stuff away and why did he keep some of my stuff like two other pictures I gave him of me and some other personal stuff of mine if he hates me so bad? is there something I could’ve done to make better? I know this is really long but to be honest its only half the stuff he put me through while we were together. is ok normal for me to still love him or am I the crazy one? and why cant I let go why do I feel so broken and empty without him and nothing makes me happy and all I think about is him and the good times we had together and our baby my baby that I miss so much he would’ve been due next month and my brothers bday is in two weeks and all I want is my ex with me to help me get through the next two months because im not sure im strong enough to do it. to much has happened to much pain and loss to much hurt. at this point I hate myself and the person I have become and I hate myself for loving someone who hurt me over and over again and who hurt my family and friends and most importantly my kids. I truly believed he loved me more then anything and I still have myself convinced that he does and that if I could just talk to him he would tell me how sorry he is and that he still loves me and everything would be ok like it was in the beginning. please help me if anyone can. thank you

    • Confused, what you’re feeling is absolutely normal after being exposed to sociopath abuse. It’s insidious and malicious. He oscillates between idolizing you, to devaluing you, to discarding you…this causes trauma, a trauma bond, a betrayal bond, AND high levels of confusion and cognitive dissonance. Do you have a therapist? Have you discussed your anxiety and depression with a trusted doctor or counselor? This guy is a loser but please don’t be ashamed of yourself for falling in love with him. Why wouldn’t you? He seemed so caring and concerned and giving…like a knight in shining armor who was going to give you and your kids the fairy-tale life your husband couldn’t. As for the miscarriage, I would consider it a message from your guardian angel. Ask anyone who has had children with crazy-making fools like this guy. And remember that the soul of that unborn child lives on and will be born into a loving family one day. Embrace your children and your family. Re-read what you wrote. You answer your own questions. You know this person is not good for you. My goodness, you contemplated suicide! I was in that same place. Someone who supposedly loves you doesn’t lead you to THAT place, right? Your first step is to cease all contact and talk to a doctor who may be able to help you with your anxiety and ruminations. Reeling in the unraveling chaos is a top priority at this time. You will never receive the answers you need and the truth behind the triangulation messiness and manipulations will eventually come to light. Everyone suspects this guy is nuts; right now he just looks so pathetic that everyone’s empathy is on high and can’t imagine he could be dramatizing his pain for the sake of attention. I think we dated the same jackass. :)

    • How do I let go of him and the love I have for him. Why did he pick me out of all the women around? How could I have let this happen? I’m completely shattered and broken and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get myself back. I can’t enjoy life anymore I feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces and I just want it all to stop and go away but I don’t know how to make it. As for therapy I was but I can’t afford it and yes I’m on pills but they don’t seem to help much. I’m lost and feel like nobody cares anyway. I just want to go away. All I think about, dream about is him and my baby I feel like it’s all my fault.

      Sent from my iPhone


    • Confused197638, you can email me if you feel comfortable: paula.carrasquillo at me dot com.

  26. Interesting. Thank you for sharing.

  27. I am a victim of a narcissistic sociopath, I met him a little more than a year ago in my school. At first i found him annoying because he would talk a lot at the library while i was trying to get my work done, or he would interrupt me to ask me questions about his homework. Now i think that this is how he saw that I was going to be beneficial to him since I was smart and willing to help him. We dated for a couple of months. He would talk a lot and promise but his actions always showed the opposite. I would always help him with school work. He convinced me to give him all my school books since I had already taken his current courses. He is only 22 yet has been arrested twice for possession of marijuana. He also smokes it several times a day. I could never understand why he did any of the things he did because he had a good life and both of his parents raised him. I could not understand at what point he started doing all this with both a parent a mother at home. Later after he exploded an stole money I had found and then tried to call me selfish because I was not willing to share with him, I realized something was wrong with him and learned that all his traits pointed that he was a sociopath. He the started disrespecting me and calling me all kinds of names. Sometimes I felt used by him for sex and school help but he would always deny it and try to say things to make me feel better. Unluckily we work at the same place because when I met him I helped him get this job. I now understood why his parents never trusted him and his m other was so overprotective. The craziest thing is how people look at him at work like this charming, helpful guy. The person he appears to be is the complete opposite of who he is, he is great acting and getting people to like him. The irony of all this was that after he disrespected me and stole from me, one day he appeared at my house saying he was sorry that he loved me and a whole story, he was outside my house for an hour blowing up my phone, this acting of his apology went on for a month. He would harass me at work or tell me he was outside my house. He would say he loves me and then when i told him i was going to put a retraining order he would call me names. this was the 3rd time he had done something to me and would come back saying he was sorry. This time I had figured him out and knew he was a sociopath. Seeing how he always tried to fit in and be out there and have people like him makes me believe he indeed a narcissistic sociopath. I found out something was wrong with him a little late, but I’m glad I did. otherwise the 3rd time he came to apologize I would’ve accepted it. But at the last confrontation we had, I had convince my self that all that he said to me, blaming me for his mistakes was part of his game to make me look like the bad one. Then I realized that this was not the first time he tried to blame me, he always would blame me for stuff to the point that i would accept it being my fault. I feel bad for myself but also for his next victims who he will attract with his charm. he is so good at being a sociopath that I know I wont be the last victim. I am hoping to get a new job soon so i can avoid him as much as possible, although it wont be as easy since we live in the same town and attend the same college.

    • I think you’re going to be just fine! You listened to your intuition (so what if it took a couple of times?), and you accept that he is not healthy for you or others. Avoiding him, even when he’s in the same room with you, will be easy. You will continue to detach from any power he has over you in the form of shaming and blaming. Once you release yourself of those things, he can no longer penetrate your sphere. :)

    • Thanks for your reply. Today I saw him at work. It has been like 2 weeks since he cursed me out and called me all kinds of names for no reason. I guess he is very angry that he hasn’t been able to get me back in his life. Today he sees me and tells me kindly to fix my name tag. He is completely crazy. It’s amazing how he can go from loving me, to cursing me out, to then act as if things are fine between us. But I guess that’s all part of lacking a conscience and not feeling remorse for his actions. Today I also heard how he asked an employee for advise on getting me back into his life, this kid is so so good at what he does that anybody would fall for his games, and the messages he would send me were so convincing that the only thing that stopped me from going back with him is accepting that he is sick. The key is understanding that no matter how much it hurts to accept it, all they can do is promise to change or pretend they have changed. it is all acting and eventually their real self always shows up and they hurt you even after just telling you they loved you. It’s not real.

    • Anonymous, When he makes those “promises” to change, he has no idea what he’s supposed to be changing. He’s just mimicking language he’s heard others repeat to those they’ve hurt. He’s reading your behavior, not your desires, from a place of cognitive empathy, not affective empathy. So he believes that if he says the right thing, he’ll get you back into his life. (He’s seen it happen before with others, after all!) Sociopaths fail to understand that we are not material people at heart; we want substance from a person. We want people in our lives who have some type of core vibration that speaks and resonates with our core vibration. All the sociopaths create is cacophony. They lip-synch through life, like that late 80’s duo Milli Vanilli. Remember them and how crushed and pathetic they were when the whole world discovered their ruse? That’s what happens. The sociopath can mouth the words, but because there is no heart behind those words, he will eventually be discovered for the true fraud he is…eventually. :)

  28. I have read all of the comments I decide to leave him along two weeks ago I feel like I just came out of a war zone right now all I feel is depression. He has depleted me financially, emotional and spiritually. He is gone to his next victim he has so many now he has found the internet …..I feel so sorry for the next poor victim sometimes I feel like I will never recover. I am glad I found this link.

    • I am glad you found the link, too, Prayer. You’re not alone and there are many, many good people in your life who will believe you, if you take that leap to tell at least someone…a therapist, a family member you trust, or a good friend. Don’t try to do it alone. <3

    • Hi Paula, I have been married to a Narc-Socio for the last 5 years. Multiple marital problems including cheating, lying, and overall failure to honor relational obligations. I was constantly being manipulated financially, sexually, and emotionally. For finances, my Cyborg would demand a certain thing and would use other means of manipulation to get money out of me, such as stranding me in the parking lot of the store or causing a scene inside. Often used sex as a means of control. And would openly contest my feelings when she would perpetrate any of the above offenses. She would cheat, use my money to charm her misters, and blame me for anything that she ever did. I finally had enough after getting out from under her and establishing myself. I was often being coerced to quit my jobs or she would cause problems for me with them. She would tell my bosses i was physically abusing her and tried to get me thrown in jail a couple of times (the cops finally told her the next time she gets drunk and breaks into my friends house, who i was staying with at the time, they were going to have to take her to jail also i never hit her, just left) and damaged my relationships with others. Since leaving I have been desperately struggling with recovery and keeping her out of my life. I am now a successful computer programmer as opposed to the walmart fast food wage slave I was in the past. I have been working on trusting other people again, and still finding that difficult. So in closing, if you anyone reading this is stuck with a person you think might be as defined above, run. And never look back.

    • Last week she was imprisoned for two years. Yet still she phones and writes. Today I contacted the prison to tell them to stop her…. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. But the pain and devastation continues to haunt me. But I shall survive and I shall go forth and become the strong person I used to be. I will never let this monster defeat me. Be strong all of you, they have taken your heart and your self respect, but they can never take your soul….

    • Thank you, exorcised!

  29. Paula, re cyborg, yep, says it all, the more I study about the subject and read the posts on here, the more I study and disseminate the people I meet on a daily basis, I make sure that I stand back and take a good hard look at my fellow humans,,I wonder also how many there are in the house of commons etc, ruling our lives by their own selfish and dangerous agenda, its no wonder that o lot of people prefer animals to humans, sad but true..

  30. it is because Narcissists are lacking in empathy and,that they cannot understand context of conversation when it does not involve themselves that they are impossible to deal with, they will gravitate towards people who, they feel, are on the same status level as themselves or above, it is very difficult for us to imagine having no empathy and/or no conscience, living with one must be like living with a humanoid, artificial intelligence without feelings…

  31. Sociopathy is an illness, but that doesn’t mean those of us who unknowingly become involved in a relationship with a narcissist/ sociopath, need to make it our own. Rarely does a sociopath recognize they are ill and need to seek help for change. Their behaviors are toxic to those around them. By the time we realize we have been drawn into this degree of an unhealthy and toxic relationship we are “infected” as well. Our reality has been denied for too long. The road to wellness begins with the first step – recognition. However long our individual road is, it is unique to each one of us. Reading the posts on this blog has shown my how many others are living the same experiences I am living. We are not alone. I keep thinking about who are living with a sociopath and haven’t realized it, those who are living with the abuse, self-doubt, and recriminations. It’s hard to beak free, not because we are week people, but because the nature of the “illness” has positioned us, often to the point of immobility. Leaving the relationship is hard, staying is harder.

  32. it mentions in the book ‘The sociopath next door’ that because their behaviour is so off the scale of normal, that you,being normal feel as though you are losing it mentally, it is for this reason that Sociopaths and Narcissists are so dangerous and insidious,
    but there again,Satan as described in the Bible is a Socipopathic Narcissist, enough said !

    • I agree. I believe they are a representation of evil, and too many refuse to believe it and that’s why evil keeps winning. :(

  33. There seems to be a period of disbelief, that one could actually be involved with a sociopath. I still have difficulty convincing myself that this is the explanation for his behaviors. I periodically question my own beliefs, that perhaps he is honest and I can’t trust my own judgement. Then. ..I go back over everything that has happened over the last 6 years and I being myself back to reality. It is a daily personal struggle to stay string but, it does get easier the farther down the road I travel.

    • E, What you are experiencing is ABSOLUTELY normal! We all go through this, because we’re attempting to reconcile and undo the cognitive dissonance at a chemical level. Doing that is like detoxing and recovering from an addiction. We were made to believe we were just like the sociopath due to all the mirroring and projections. Your brain is unscrambling those puzzle pieces, which requires us to constantly go back, examine, and find reassurance. Essentially, you are slowly deprogramming, rewiring, and reconditioning the effects of being brainwashed. :)

    • Thank you so much. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out until a nurse friend told me to read up on narcisstic people and that finally answered all my questions for 29 years. I now realize through homework he is also a sociopath. I also have to remind myself of all the awful things he has done to me and my children and his insincere apologizes. I am 53 years old and have not worked in 28 years but I’m taking classes to get myself and my daughter out of this nightmare. R

    • Always remember that you are not alone and many of us have started from zero and worked our way out of the physical and mental dungeon we once found ourselves. :)

  34. I understand. This week will be my second wedding anniversary. I gave up my very secure job to move across the country when we got married. After I got another job, I resigned after 3 months due to his almost daily accusations about me sleeping with every one I worked with, and telling me he had friends in the town I was working who reported to him on me, and I found out that, while I was a work and he had days of,f he was going out with other women. I left him 3 months ago but he has been working me to get back together. Last week I went back to see him, even though I know he has been continuing to cheat and lie all along. I have spent most of my savings during our marriage. I am now back on “my side” of the country, I got another job and I am trying to rebuild my life. I too am hesitant to file for divorce, maybe he’ll file first. My lawyer says he can be ordered to pay some alimony, considering how much money I paid out moving across the country twice and living my lucrative job, but I am afraid to pursue that. It’s just not worth it.

    • Anonymous, I was told the same exact thing about people watching me! There was NEVER anyone watching me, nor is there anyone watching you. It’s a tactic used to instill fear and to render us emotionally weak. These people are disgusting. The sooner we know how full of BS they are and that they have zero power over us, we can receive our justice. I hope you are able to release your fears, so you can relinquish any legal ties you have with this person.

    • Thank you so much for this!! You are all angels!!! He really convinced me I was crazy!!! Now I can see what it really was. Thank you thank you!

  35. […] series of posts about Keith Dixon’s lies. I have long suspected that Supt Dixon if not a sociopath had sociopathic tendencies chief among them lying with narcisism a close […]

  36. Hi Paula,

    First of all, thank you for creating this site. I just finally broke up with a man whom I now am convinced to be a psychopath. He exhibits almost all characteristics of psychopathy with one exception of being a pathological liar. I like to think he has been honest with me and has been faithful to me but I never really know if this is true. We cannot really know if someone lied to us until those lies were caught. I never tried to find out if he was lying to me mainly because I was under the impression that he was madly in love with me. We were having a long distance relationship and we kept each other relatively free so I don’t know what he has been really doing.

    I went through the stages of idealization and devaluing process. I never fell in love with him but I now came to understand how overtime I developed intense psychopathic bond with him. This is not love, but more like a very unhealthy attachment.

    While I was with me, he always told me how he loves me and that I am the one, yet I could not help but feeling like I would be discarded in the end. I also felt like I am being treated like an object despite all of his flowery expression of how he wishes to love me.

    I could not quite understand why I felt this way at that time but now I know.

    While I was in a relationship I was always very confused. It is almost like one day I woke up in a bed at a stranger’s house doing things that I never imagined doing … later I realized how I have been persuaded by a combination of his sweet loving words and harsh judgement.

    He claimed how he always strives to be a loving person. He makes efforts to connect with people and extend kindness and love. I saw him often flirting with women online, telling them how they beautiful and powerful etc. He accuses me of being overly jealous and I internalized this judgement and felt that I have jealousy and insecurity problem. I felt I need to work on myself to overcome this negative habit (that he describes).

    By doing this, I found myself step by step losing my boundary and allowing him to have his way. When we began dating, he still had his ex being around him. He claimed that they are now a friend and that he now loves her like a sister. I had some concerns about this and asked him for some clarity as I felt he seemed to be still processing some of his feeling for her. He rather reacted telling me how important she is in his life. I myself don’t feel a need to keep in touch with my exes (unless there are some compelling reason such as a child etc). I could not quite understand why he insists having her around in his life especially right after breaking up with her.

    In months into our relationship, he texted me saying he wants to talk with me about a good news. I called him and he excitedly told me how his friend he connected on fb is coming to town to see him. Then he told me how he occasionally talks with her on the phone, which until then was new to me. I initially displayed a very mild form of jealously but processed it later and wrote an email apologizing for the way I reacted to this news. He appreciated my response. Later I asked him wanting to confirm that she won’t be staying at his place. Then he said, no she will be staying with her friend and then he said how he offered her to stay at his place. I got jealous and felt that I wanted him to first consult with me about this and later once again a story changed.

    He called me and told me there was a mix up and that he thought she turned down his offer but she thought she would be staying at his place. When I communicated with him how I felt uncomfortable about this he got very upset and accused me of having a negative feeling. He said there is nothing between him and her and that he was just innocently wanting to host his friend and how I am being unreasonable. I didn’t understand what was happening and started to wonder if I am overly jealous. But I now feel I was feeling what I had every right to feel.

    In retrospect, I feel maybe he wants to connect with people and “love” them because he is empty inside. I feel somehow he feels being associated with people he admires, he can fill his internal void. I have not seen anyone who is so unmotivated in life. He does not have anything that he can be passionate about. He does not know what he wants to do. He easily gets excited about something and gets bored very soon and cannot carry out his plans. I hear him talk about really big ideas and they never materialized. He lost his job more than a year ago and is not motivated to find any. He will be soon 40 years old and now lives off his dad’s retirement. He is always on facebook making connections with people online. I feel he spends his life in a way almost like his purpose is to somehow become a vital part of other people’s lives and perfect his self image as a man who is loving etc. I have a very hard time understanding this desire.

    I decided to end this unhealthy relationship a couple of months ago. At that time he made me feel I was the one who could not love him and that I was the one who was insecure about myself and had emotional issues. I don’t know how many times I said sorry in this relationship and I don’t think I have done anything wrong aside from being manipulated and having failed to stand up for myself.
    I have been reading about psychopathy almost to the point of an obsession. I was never like this. I used to be a strong person. I want to erase everything about him from my memory and move on. This pain is so excruciating… thank you for writing about your experience. Your writings really empower me, make me feel understood and know that I am not alone. Thank you.

    • Survivor, thank you for sharing your story in such detail and with genuine insight. First, you are still strong, because you recognized something wasn’t and hasn’t been right and are working toward understanding it. It’s clear all of the “obsessive” reading and researching is helping you. Many, if not all, of us were in exactly the place you find yourself…information overload!! Now it’s time to take all of this information that has validated you and organize it in a clear, concise way that suits your next steps. Focus on you and practice self-care. Put you first by discovering what you want, what motivates you toward happiness, and how you plan to reach your joy. We spend so much time trying to understand what motivates the sociopath that we forget about ourselves. It’s time to take back your life and detach further from the emotional bond that has led to sharing on this blog. The desire to figure him out will die once you begin breathing new life into your spirit and soul. :)

    • I think we were dating the same man. It is to scary to acknowledge how many of these creeps are out there.

      Working on sharing my story on this very helpful site.

      Right now I am still far too fragile.

    • Dear Survivor,
      I was chilled through when I read your post and wondered if we have been involved with the same man – online – I really would appreciate it if you might consider chatting to me, my email is
      It would help me a lot as I have been going slowly mad myself and need to know.
      Thank you, and hoping to hear from you,

  37. I think that i might be a sosiopath. Many (not all) of the traits you described fits. I lie a lot and i often beleve in my own lies. And i (use to) like what i’m doing. I usualy don’t have a problem with this but now i just can’t tell who i am anymore. It’s only recently that i started to have a problem with this after i realized that all the manipulation is hurting my close ones.
    So… What do i do?

    • Filip, You sound like you’re a young guy who is still learning about himself and how he affects others. That’s part of normal development. And you obviously don’t like hurting those you love, it sounds. I’d start by making two lists: 1. What I like about myself and why and 2. What I dislike about myself and why. Then ask yourself if you REALLY care to change. If you find out you wish to change, actively practice changing and daily introspection. If you discover you could give a rat’s ass if you harm others or not and change isn’t what you want, then maybe you do have a deep pathology. If that’s the case, it would be up to you to decide if the need to harm others trumps being alone.

  38. Thank you, the no contact piece is really hard, he texts me a lot and I feel compelled to answer

    • It’s very hard. Just remember that the consequence of breaking no contact is more confusion and self-doubt. It does not serve you moving forward to go back to that craziness.

  39. I am currently trying to exit my two year marriage to a man I now believe is a sociopath and a narcissist. We were together, on an doff for five years before we got married. All the red flags were up but I married him anyway. We’ve know each other since we were 13 years old. He’s handsome, charming, exciting. During our marriage I discovered he had relationships with at least half a dozen women concurrently. He always had stories to cover or excuse the situations, “they are liars, it’s a joke, she’s an old friend, somebody at work gave her my number, they just want to get at you…” I hired a PI and got pictures of a women staying over the house while I was out of town, he had stories to explain even that. He would promise everything and deliver nothing. I moved back across the country 3 months ago and he has been trying to convince me to return to him ever since. He has persuaded me to return twice so far but each time I hired the PI and uncovered lies and women…His manipulation cycle includes sweet talking me and if I don;t buy in he rages at me with foul names and blaming me for all the trouble I cause him. Then he cycles back to sweet talking. During our marriage there were three incidents of physical aggression, one time he fractured my thumb. I am an intelligent, mental health professional and I got sucked into his vortex. It is painful to end my marriage but just yesterday I committed to ending all contact in order to end this roller coaster. Of course he demonstrated many other indicators for sociopath as well, but who needs the long version?

    • Elissa, No one needs any more evidence to understand why you’re here sharing. Thank you. It’s never too late to finally say, “No more!” When you do that, you’re saying yes to a life you have never dreamed could be available to you. Shut the door on his gaslighting and establish your truth: he’s a cheater, he’s a liar, and he harms you in every way a person can be harmed. Don’t be ashamed to end this marriage. It’s going to be the beginning of your new life. :)

    • Elissa you’re not alone. I left my marriage 2 months shy of our 1 yr anniversary, which is July 13th coming up. We dated for 4 years, on and off, and all the signs were there to not marry him but I did anyway, believing his lies about how things will be better for us once I’m his wife. This site is a good place to be. I hope you gain strength reading the different experiences as I have. I’m fresh out of my relationship with my husband and still trying not to break the ‘no contact’ rule. Word of advice: read the blogs daily to keep you moving forward. That’s what works for me. Good luck and thanks for sharing. Even your experience gives me more strength.

    • How do you leave? Fight for what’s yours, or leave with nothing. I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I two have only been married for two years. I’m afraid of what he will do when he gets served. He has harmed me physically more than once and I have proof. My attorney want me to file with a domestic violence order in place. But I’m afraid of his reaction. He is the CEO of a company and he has a large gun collection that will be taken away if I go that route. Has anyone fought their N in divorce?

    • I think the hardest part about physically leaving and seek a divorce is to leave and detach emotionally from what the sociopath projects and thinks of you. I was not married to the sociopath, so I did not have to deal with the divorce process. However, those who I have gotten to know through this blog who have successfully managed to NOT lose everything in their divorce to their N/S found emotional support from others during the proceedings. They were able to detach from the power their abuser had over them. They were able to remain calm and reasonable despite the outbursts and continued projections and demands of their soon-to-be ex-spouse. But getting to that point requires a lot of internal work either with a therapist or by finding someone who has direct experience and can guide you as you navigate the system. Have you checked out One Mom’s Battle blog? The concentration of those going through a divorce is much higher than here…obviously! :)

  40. Hi Thanks for this it has been driving me crazy about this guy i was dating not like others being married but we got on so well and he called me without fail all the time sometimes twice a day messaging all the time and then he came out with “you know i like you right” and i was trying to be careful but everything he said was like a dream.
    He explained a lot to me about himself saying hes never had a true lovely relationship everyones broke his heart, i lapped it up and felt so sorry for him
    but i was now the important part of his life, he told me about his upbringing full of sob stories about his parents just working and not having time for him he was moved around countries and it all led up to the fact if they hadnt done that he wouldn’t of met me all the time saying its fate that we met.
    I noticed he could be a little strange sometimes talking about how he was worried about loosing me.
    We decided to spend the weekend together and he was fine till he saw me wearing shorts and said its cold outside maybe you should wear jeans i didnt understand but i thought fine ….. later he then went on to telling me over the phone he thought my thighs were quite big and therefore i shouldn’t wear shorts because its invasion of peoples vision…….
    But i was hooked from the nice guy and just tried to understand him he then took me to a makeup stupid to get my makeup done he asked me to “hand myself over to him”
    so i thought like “pretty woman” this might be a good experience it was not!
    On our way to the station to say bye he explained how the weekend was not very good but its a learning process and he wanted to be with me even though he never made it clear what our relationship was.
    He explained how all i did all weekend was ask questions and not smart ones things like “how do you feel” and “are you ok” loving affectionate questions which he found irritating and stupid.

    we saw each other the next weekend and he was quite attached or so it seemed
    he would check to make sure i looked nice enough to go out if not HE would do my makeup because he said the people at the studios were terrible and he could do a better job.
    We had a nice weekend despite that I didnt ask questions or how he felt he seemed calm and affectionate towards me but everytime i went to kiss him he would move away like a 4 year old scared of getting germs
    I always asked “do you have a problem with kissing” he’d say “no i don’t” and i’d explain i thought he did and he’d peck my lips thats it …
    We did couple things drink together watch films laugh he’d explain my humor is so great because he’d been with girls interested in drinking and parties not smart stuff or debates about opinions.
    We had a nice night and the next morning he asked me to decide on going home (on the day i was ment to) or staying another night, i choose the other night.
    rest of the weekend was pleasant part from his constant comments about the size of my thighs (im not a big girl)

    I just laughed it off most the time then he got on to talking about how terrible my skin is ….
    this was the topic for the next week of calls saying i need to sort my skin out.
    Then the next weekend went different he caused so tension between us but i wanted him to snap out of it so i said i was sorry even though he caused it he shouted about me because i had a health issue due to my work and skin issues he shouted at me for not quitting my job.
    at first he was quiet unresponsive and then its like a bomb! all this anger from nowhere.

    that weekend he told me to make my own way to his i was scared as i never did it and he explained he’d showed me twice and that i’m making excuses and he hates stupid people
    and he hang up on me and didnt answer his phone at all till i got there
    he greated me with a hug and saying “i knew you could do it”
    he had food and wine ready at his place and everytime he asked why i wasnt happy id explain hed made me scared all morning he didnt seem to understand just said i was making excuses
    rest of the weekend was simi normal
    but that week because i asked “too many questions ” while we called he hang up told me “from now on you have a allowance of 1 question a day when you exceed that our call will end think before you ask” he said he felt like i was a police woman asking all them questions but they were normal ones like how are you what you been up to.

    Our calls had stopped he made excuses and then told me “he didnt feel comfortable talking to me anymore” i asked him to give me another chance (stupid cow) i said i’ll prove i can get through the weekend i said “let me make it up to you”
    He said ok please come this weekend and i did but he didnt talk to me while i was traveling and when i got there he didnt even meet me i had to go up to his place, he opened the door with the most contemptuous look on his face and went and sat down continuing to ignore me as i try to talk to him he looks at me like im something under his feet. I tried to talk to him and he got up got changed and i asked where he was going he said to lunch i was like why not eat here he said “are you coming or not” after that i got him out of his grumpy mood and we had fun doing couple things at one point he read his book to me danced about the house it was a nice change.
    Then we got food and i asked if we was watching football cant we watch comedy of something he exploded at me saying how” your ment to be F**king british saying if you dont want to watch it F**k off home saying he canelled on his friends so i could come this weekend” then he calmed down and explained he didnt know football either just wanted to support then something was said and i said i dont have to be into footie because im british and he returned with “oh my god i wasnt even talking about you, i was talking about the game f**k sake you’re not that important”

    After that it calmed down and we had a normal evening and joked laughed went to bed he told me he felt more comfortable about me he felt he could be himself.
    The morning i had to leave i asked a question and he switched so quickly didnt even hug me good bye and ignored me for the week then i asked what happened he explained how im 57 kg and have bad skin i look “unpleasantly off when we go out ” and “i dont even attempt to cover my bad skin, i make no contribution to our way of life” but i was still a guest, i complained about football , i wear the same 2 outfits because he told me he liked then but now he decided they were poor quality all this thrown in my face and now i have devolped a complex about my skin and weight thanks to him
    He still keeps me on fb for some strange reason but he broke me down to the point i was saying sorry for things he did and overlooking all the horrid comments he made about me

    i wonder if he sounds like a sociopath he told me hes not used to dealing with other peoples emotions hes just used to caring about himself and being by himself

    thanks for the information

    • He’s sounds like a real jackass! Would you be proud to call this guy your son or your brother? Is this the kind of person you’d want your child to grow up to become? Of course not! So why give him another second of consideration? You are not fat. Your skin is not bad. Your clothes are perfect for you. He’s the only thing in your life that stinks. :)

    • OMG – it’s been a while so I hope and pray you are done with this SOB. Run, run, run. It doesn’t matter what label you put on him he’s just wrong, wrong, wrong.

  41. the one thing common to Sociopaths and Psychopaths is that they want sympathy above all else, once they have sympathy they have power to continue their mind games and evil schemes unhindered, anyone who has the strength of will to take courage and leave him/her has strength indeed and deserves a better life, way to go.

  42. Hello Paula, I haven’t posted in a while but I have been following the posts. Update: As of May 31st, my husband and I haven’t spoken. No scratch that, he slammed me on fb and made himself look like a victim because I left him and haven’t communicated with him. Otherwise, I finally decided that he’s really only looking out for himself since I have no income(after losing my job in March and having surgery in March). He wouldn’t even give me money to get anything I needed, yet everyday he would come home with cigarettes and a drink for himself after telling me he has no money. Everyday he would deny having money and everyday he would come home with what he wanted. He even came home with about 60 bucks worth of meat to barbecue one day because that’s what he wanted to do. Yet still gave me not one dollar! Needless to say, I got the picture and decided it’s time to look out for me since he wasn’t gonna do it. Unbeknownst to me, God was working things out in my favor also. I had applied to a job at the VA in Phoenix, Arizona back in February of this year and they called me for an interview in early May, right before our lease was about to end. I was ecstatic! I had been stressed out because I knew the lease was ending and he hadn’t saved any money for us to move. All my disability check would cover is my car note and insurance, thank God. He wouldn’t even talk to me about where we would go or what we were gonna do because it stressed him out (according to him). So everytime I would bring it up, he would snap off on me and tell me not to worry about it, he would handle it. But I knew better. So in early June, after I left him, they called and offered me the job, so of course, I accepted. Yay me! I have been staying at my daughter’s house(she travels alot so she’s not here) until I actually leave for Phoenix. I feel that God has given me another chance to get away from him and start my life over as far away as possible from him. I still talk to people who advocate on his behalf, saying how he misses me and he tells them that he wants his wife back. I just shake my head and tell them not to believe his lies but, of course, they’re gonna believe him anyway. I just can’t wait to leave. I read the posts everyday to remind me of why I left and to keep me away. So many of these stories are dead on to what I experienced with him. It’s almost eerie how similar these stories are. These people really are textbook! That’s crazy! I’ve also concluded that he’s a narcissistic psychopath because he’s midway beyond 50 and still going strong. So sociopath doesn’t fit him if it’s true that they lose steam after 50. He’s a lost cause and already moved on to his next conquest. I filed my divorce papers yesterday.
    Thanks for the blog, it is strengthening me daily to keep my distance and not make contact.

    • So happy opportunities are presenting themselves to you in the moments you need them most. To me, that’s a clear sign you are in-tune with what you want out of life and what no longer serves you. Yah, you! Thank you for sharing your recent breakthrough with us. :) <3

  43. this is a bunch of bs not only men can be that way you sexist. I know a female that is like that.

    • MY abuser was a male, so MY story is about a BOY. Maybe read a little more beyond one page with the next blog you read before going on the attack.

  44. it is interesting to note that Sociopaths deteriorate past age fifty or thereabouts and lose the plot as it were with age,psychopaths remain psychopaths and Narcissists remain much the same but Sociopaths tend to ‘burn out’ which may be as a result of their constant scheming and requiring constant stimulation from the havoc they cause.
    As well as the books talked about on here, a good book to read is Bully in sight by Tim Field, it deals mainly workplace bullying and there is a wealth of case studies of Sociopathic and Narcissistic personalities.

  45. “lthough not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010).” Apparently neither you nor Stout understand what a contradiction is, and ironically that statement sounds narcissistic, as it’s pretentious.

    • You described my husband.
      I am planning to divorce and relocate to get away from this cold person.
      I feel sorry for him he doesn’t have a clue.
      I have read and listened to many other professionals talk about what a sociapath is and I hear the same thing over and other.
      I knew something was wrong with how he think and do things. I started researching personaltiy disorders and socipath best describes him.
      I tried to talk to my pastors about him but they just think we need counseling. Oh, he also has a drug and alcohol problem.

    • only 2% of Sociopaths are violent but, Psychopaths perform gratuitous violence on animals and humans,I had a neighbour who was a violent Sociopath, she is now dead but her husband is a true Narcissist and still continues where she ‘left off’, I have had fifteen years of hell from not only these two but their ‘kids’ also who have been brought up in the antisocial mode of thinking, on a positive note, my experience has encouraged me to study psychopathology and which has helped enormously, I personally feel that the one in twenty five ratio for Sociopaths in a given population is slightly on the estimated low side, in the west the education system encourages competitive and hedonistic lifestyles instead of fostering a spirit of community, any society is judged on how they look after the old and the young, in the west we seek to kill both.

    • What a crappy family you had to deal with through the years! I also believe the estimations are on the low side, too. But it’s better than remaining in denial that this type of person exists. I think the further the awareness spreads, the more reflection society will conduct on itself. I find it disgusting that so many people go through life in competition mode…constant competition mode. I even find it where I never imagined competition would be welcome…inside the yoga community. We can’t run from it physically or geographically. But we can refuse to participate at all levels. We can choose to redefine what brings happiness and joy to our lives outside of all those material acquisitions. Great pleasure and contentment comes from freeing ourselves from those THINGS. Imagine how infuriated the sociopaths would become if society ceases to put value on the only thing that means anything to them – wealth, status, reverence? It might cause them to self-destruct. I can only hope. :)

  46. Sometimes, narcissistic sociopaths even get elected as president…

    • Is this the same as a psychopath ?

    • Yes. The behaviors are the same. However, the researchers, who attempt to understand the “why” behind the behavior, make a distinction. Psychopaths are born without a conscience or ability to empathize; sociopaths are nurtured to be conscienceless. To the victims, it makes not a bit of difference. Many sites interchange the two terms. I stick with sociopath, because psychopath carries even more mythical and surreal connotations for folks. It’s myth and fantasy I’m hoping to dispel through awareness and education. :)

    • How do we know this is not you the sociopath lying and manipulating us SP do try to change there identity. They truly are a wolf in sheeps clothing is the 666 comments a coincident my point is you never know who has this disorder ? I was married to a SP for 16 years and she is still terrorizing me and our children I don’t think she will ever stop she needs to be in cage!

    • It must have been a sign to you, because I didn’t see the number until it appeared in your comment. And no one is asking you to trust anyone. What you should trust is your gut. That’s the only point in bringing awareness and continuing to write about the reality of people among us with zero conscience and zero ability to empathize with others. :)

  47. Hi Paula,
    I have to say that I am at one of the lowest points in my life. I have spent the last 13 years with a Narc. The sad part is I just discovered the fact he had NPD just last summer. I know most will judge me as I am involved with a married man. He told me in the beginning and told me he was unhappy in his marriage but we could be friends. Then as time went on I fell in love with him. It was several months before we told each other we loved each other and also physically intimate. Several warning signs were there though. He would tell me he loved me, leave love notes on my apartment door. Then he would disappear for days and when we would finally talk, he would act as if he never told me he loved me or anything of the like. I then started to suspect he had other relationships with other women based on his behavior around them and his endless “female friends” who he was at one time or another involved with. If I mentioned anything about these other women, he would say I was possessive and that there was nothing I should be worried about. There are many many other things that I witnessed and made mental note of when I was with him that did not make sense. Many times my gut was telling me something was off about him but I chose to ignore it because I loved who I thought he was.

    Fast forward about 8 years from the beginning. I had hit rock bottom trying to get him to love me, and only me and make a life with me. As he said he really loved me but could not leave his wife as his family would disown him and his career would be over. We worked in the same field and knew the same people in our career. I was an emotional mess by this time and lost not only one job, but many and my esteem was at an all time low. Then he said I should find someone else and move on. I was devastated. I thought about how unhappy I had become and decided it was time to let other people in in my life, as at the time I was isolated from my family as I had told a few of my family members what had been going on, and to say the least, they were sick of hearing about him and told me he was a loser and I should just get on with my life without him. I was also isolated, because I had no friends, as he was the center of everything for me.
    The whole time I was trying to form a new relationship with someone that came into my life, the moment I let him know about this. He suddenly became interested in me and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
    Then BOOM! The love bombing was on! Overwhelming attention, constant texting, constant calling, late night calls to say “I Love You” Frequent trips to see me. This lasted for about a month. Then one night, we decided to spend the night together at a nice hotel. We had a nice dinner, then went to the hotel and made love. The most amazing sex I have ever had. I noticed at dinner, though he kept looking at his phone and made several trips to the restroom. This made me suspicious and could not get this off of my mind.
    So then, I decide to look into his phone after he went to sleep. I was horrified and devastated to learn what he had been communicating with other women. He made plans with another woman, who apparently lived out of state that he had known before he was married, which was over 17 years ago!! He planned on seeing her 3 weeks from that day when she was coming into town. It was sickening!! The words and phrases he used with her sounded all too familiar. I also saw where he was taking with other women trying to sweeten them up as well to add to his stash of ego strokes. I was so hurt and devastated. I then confronted him and he said, in a calm manner that he was not upset and that those women meant nothing and the way he talked with them was just playful flirting that meant absolutely nothing. WOW! I asked him why he had not told me about meeting up with this woman. He said he had not thought of it as a big deal but knew that I would, so he decided not to tell me. I said that he was destroying trust between us and that he was lying be omission to me. He then got truly angry and said I was being a possessive, jealous bitch and that I had no business looking into his phone as this was an invasion of his privacy. He tried to turn everything around and make me feel like everything was my fault. I just dropped this and then started to question my sanity and who I was. Was I really the person with a serious problem? I wanted him to love me so much, I needed to believe he truly loved and cared for me as the alternative was too much for me to bear. Then in the fall all came to an end like it was no big deal to him. But, since we were both in the same industry and have professional interests and affiliation we remained contact, but we were no longer “together.”

    Now, at this time I went into a complete depression. I lost my job again, as I could not concentrate or focus. I feel like a Zombie. He then contacts me and tells me he can get me a job where he works and he would be my colleague. At first, I said no, it was not a good idea. I thought, wow, he will be in a position above me and will make everything awful because he will have power over me. By this time though, I was desperate. I had no job and no prospects of getting one soon and I had to move back home. So, I took the job. It has since, been a mixed bag of emotions and issues. I am a professional and good at my job. I sometimes see the little jabs he makes at me to shake my confidence but do not let this alter my view of myself. I have recently learned though, he is yet again, talking with this woman and making sexual comments and trying to get her to move here and work here. If that happens, I will have to leave the profession, I don’t think I can take any more abuse from him. I sometimes feel I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I could tell many, many more horrible situations I have been involved with him in, but I don’t think this forum has enough space for that! Anyway, I feel I have lost all hope in humanity after this relationship. I feel he has taken everything.

    • Kayla, he has NOT taken everything. You obviously still have your intuition and instincts intact, as well as your skills as a professional. You are aware and knowledgable about the possibility that he may be a sociopath/narcissist. Knowing this can free you from the power he once had over you and his ability to abuse you vanishes. But in order for this to happen, in order for his jabs and sexual exploits to no longer affect you, you must accept that he never loved you nor did he ever care about you. He doesn’t even care about the women that he is now flirting with and exploiting. He’s just after ego supply, which is as deep as he can go as a person. All of his jabs at you are because he sees an incredibly skilled and confident woman before him and he is unable to be skilled and confident so he tries to suck away your confidence with hateful jabs. Why do you care what such a person thinks of you? The more you react to it, the more he notices your reaction which fuels him to keep throwing the jabs at you. These people are just grown-up bullies who can’t stand to see any one succeed, especially if your success reveals his inadequacies and false/fake intelligence. Whoever coined “Misery Loves Company” was surely a sociopath. They are miserable people and want you to be just as miserable. Disengage.

    • Kayla , He has not taken anything that you/we have not allowed them to take from us. We allow these men to take away our power and UNTIL you cut off ALL contact with them they will continue to have power over you with their minuplatuon. THEY ARE GOOD at what they do! I know first hand and will share my story….

    • I’ve been where you are. He is a monster and you need to cut off all ties with him. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but in time you will feel like your self again. Happy,free,alive! It took me moving away,changing my #, getting a restraining order just to get him out of my life. I’m always looking over my shoulder. It sucks but I got my life back. I could write a book! It will get better but it’s up to you to make that change. Good luck and God bless

    • You will find your feet again. We will all say a silent prayer for you You. must be strong and get out

    • I’m still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor after reading your story, Kayla. I’ve read multiple stories on here but YOURS is IDENTICAL to mine. It’s as if we have dated the very same person!! I know it’s unlikely but just wow!! I am in Texas and I can’t help but wonder if your SP’s name happens to start with a “B”?

  48. All I can think at the moment is just “wow.” These traits describe my girlfriend’s (she’s 23) parents to a T. Even though I’ve studied psychology extensively (I’m going for my MA in psych soon), it never dawned on me that her parents could be sociopaths. Her mother is practicing doctor, lawyer, and professor and her father is a retired lawyer. She has Crohn’s and they use that to their advantage. They do things like telling her that she’s a failure, fat, stupid, lazy, etc. Any attempt at us seeing each other causes them to freak out and tell her things such as: “Good little girls don’t do ‘that.’ You want to be good and obey, don’t you?” or “You have Crohn’s, so you don’t have the same rights. You can’t just do what you damn well please.” The father wakes her up every night at about 12:30 – 1:00 and will demand to know what she’s doing and why. The father has also attempted to manipulate my girlfriend into leaving me because I’m disabled as well (I’m legally blind, I have cerebral palsy, and GAD) and he’ll say: “you need to marry someone rich and that’s capable of doing something.” It has been a complete hell for both of us and neither of us knows how we should proceed. We just want this nightmare to be over.

    • Can you simply disengage and move away? Are either of you financially tied to her parents? Sometimes we have to sacrifice material benefits so we can get to the heart and soul of life. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

    • Paula, thank you for your reply. Neither of us are finically tied to her parents. She has enough money to escape, even though they force her to ask permission for any amount of her money and I have family willing to take her in. She tried to escape before, but it ended with her father tackling her to the ground. She’s also terrified of leaving because her parents have her brainwashed by telling her: “If you try escape, you’ll be arrested. Disabled people can’t just be on the streets; you know that.” She has made a lot of progress. When I first met her, even the thought of not having her parents’ permission to do something triggered a panic attack. Just out of curiosity, do you think her parents are sociopaths?

    • I think her parents sound fearful, fearful of losing control of a disabled daughter that they have felt obligated to protect her entire life. Is that control in place because they are pathological or is it in place because they have fooled themselves into believing the world is unsafe for their daughter as a disabled person? I don’t know. Regardless, your GF is not free, physically or emotionally. She has an obligation, a love and a bond with her parents. I’m sure she feels too guilty just to leave them, abandon them, but at the same time she feels suffocated and like a caged bird. Plus, she feels an added pressure to please you and to prove she loves you, also. Giving her some time and space may help her gain the courage to make the choice that is best for her. Time and behavior will help determine her parent’s motives more clearly.

  49. im still trapped. 5 long sad debilitating years of crying & hopelessness every single day thanks to an impossible sensless troublemaker (& i mean he is ruining my life with his 100% carelessness cause he knows i have noone else & going to die soon.) the hell on earth i’ve been through is incomprehensible & the sad part is… he has everyone, even tons of people i never even met, hating me & he’s probably the most verbally abusive person that ever existed. he’s evil & he knows it & he thinks it’s hillarious. i know i know… why dont i just leave? well, lets see…. i have a debilitating autoimmune disease & it’s gotten like 20 times worse over the past few years (gee i wonder why). ive had 7 major surgeries including heart surgery & a fractured back & had a miracle toddler which i love more than life itself & is the best thing that ever happened to me which he’s almost caused me to lose i dont know how many times with his careless senseless drama… & he’s so sneaky he throw me under the bus for everything while ive literally done nothing wrong cept try to be with a heartless monster since i literally have no family support or friends at all whatsoever. & i desperately need help in my physical condition. he knows im trapped so he tortures me. sounds pretty sad huh… yea i know. before you blame me for not being strong enough to get away… let me remind you guys you have no idea of my situation or condition. im dsperate & beyond depressed. i never in a million years couldve imagined feeling this down.

    • Anonymous, there is absolutely no one here who is going to blame you for remaining. As you detail, it’s easier said than done to get out, to walk away, to escape, especially once you’re isolated. I obviously do not know your complete circumstances, but have you reached out to anyone in your locale?

    • Anonymous, Like Paula said no one that has had their life torn apart and had the rug pulled out from under them would never blame you or judge you. We are here for support and if we can help with resources to help you in anyway please know we are all here. If you can– go to any public social services dept or counseling office in your community to find help and insight in to possible steps and ways to help you.

    • My brother has all of the traits in the 1st list and 17 of the second list. He physically attacked me in front of everyone on a family boating holiday last week after I challenged him on something he said. It was like a blanket came down, definitely uncontrolled rage, gritted teeth, red, very contorted face, (I have the bruises still) then after a while he started talking to me as if nothing had happened. How do I find out for sure (I have had my suspicions for a long time but never been in his company long enough to clarify this) because it is of real concern to me. He seems to get worse as he gets older.

    • You already know, LucyJ. The answer is inside of you. It’s not necessary to get an “official” diagnosis or to gather more physical and tangible evidence or proof. The important thing is to recognize what he does to your mind and how he makes you feel about yourself. Anytime someone makes you feel “less than,” that should be a red flag that that person is manipulating you and acting from a place of fear and a need to control, not from a place of love and acceptance. You need to trust your gut. :)

    • Try a safe house in your area. They are shelters for women and children getting away from abusive partners. The one in my area offers apartments for two years to help rebuild your life in every area. They will even send a car out to come and get you and your children. Try calling the domestic abuse hotline in your area for help and see what they may offer. I wish you well and hope you find peace and happiness in your life. Jp

  50. Wow. As I am sitting here reading this article and all the comments, I am blown away with how my ex fits these exact descriptions. When I first met him two years ago he swept me off my feet, so charming and cunning, I lingered on his every word. He had me believing we were soul mates, and the sex was something from my wildest dreams. We bought a house together after only 3 months after we just met. Then everything seemed to twist upside down and he took a turn for the worst. He became so angry and violent. His temper was uncontrollable. It started with breaking objects like throwing cell phones against the wall. Then he threw my cat across the room. He would freak out on me if I swept the floor wrong, and have me in tears while he shook my face and gripped me up. One time we were at his families house and he told me through grit teeth that we were leaving, I knew I was going to be in for it. I can’t even remember what I said that set him off but he started screaming at me as soon as we got into the car and was driving 60 Mph on a 35 mph road, then slammed on his breaks and when I jolted forward he told me he wished my head would’ve went through the windshield. All he did was put me down and had my self esteem so low and made me feel awful, like I was never good enough for him, even when I did everything for him. He could tell me to “jump,” and I would ask “how high?” I don’t even know how things got like that. I would’ve never let any man treat me like that. But I just loved him so much. I always told him how good looking he was even though he always put down my looks. Anytime he said something mean and hurtful and I got upset, he would try and say he was “joking.” He would never pay his bills on time or at all to the point of them going to collections, he would rack up his credit card debt and let his credit score drop even though I worked so hard raising it so we could buy the house. He’s always in between jobs. He would lie about everything, but it would be the smallest things that he had no reason to lie about and then when I would catch him in a lie, he would turn it around and end up screaming at me and making it seem like my fault, to the point of where I would almost start believing it. He would always leave and be very vague with where he was going and never give any details. I don’t know if he was ever cheating but I always felt like he was, but I could never prove it. I just don’t understand how he never felt bad for anything he put me through. He was never sorry no matter how much he hurt me or how much I cried. How can I be so obsessed and infatuated with someone like this? I tried ending it after 8 months and then I immediately was so sad because he didn’t even seem upset that he lost me, so I was the one crying to him how I loved him so much still and that maybe we can work things out. I just wanted him to go back to the person I fell in love with, that sweet and charming man he was for those first few months. Things would get better for a few weeks, but then he would go right back to being that mean cruel and controlling person. The thing was I didn’t even mind that he was controlling. I didn’t care about letting him go through my phone or dictate what I did or where I went. I just wanted him to treat me right in return. I wanted things to be fair – give and take. I liked that he was jealous because it made me think that he cared. It was as if even seeing those awful traits and emotions, was somewhat the least bit satisfying because that showed me he does have some sort of feelings in him for me. If he could get that angry and jealous, if he could black out and go off with the snap of a finger, then that showed he did care somehow, even if it wasn’t the right way of showing it. About 6 months ago we got into the worst fight over something so small, he ended up destroying my Disney collectables, and moving out. He took everything and left me with an empty house and a hefty mortgage. I broke down, I missed him so much because he made me feel like I needed him, like I couldn’t live without him. He pinned his whole family and friends against me. Telling them that I’m crazy and that I’m the one to blame. I just don’t understand how they can believe him. I have all the facts on what he’s done to me and said to me and how he has hurt me and how I’ve done everything for him and was so loyal and devoted to him. But it’s like he has them under a spell. How can he trick so many people and get away with it? After a while it felt like I was starting to get over him, and with the least bit of sign that I was moving on, he came right back. Crying, apologizing, sucking me in with the words and the sex like how he did in the beginning. But not wanting to really work on things or commit or change. All talk and no actions. I kept taking him back thinking I could change him. Somehow fix him into being a better person that I know he could be if he just tried. He would string me along and play mind games with me. He knows exactly how to keep me hanging on. It’s so hard to leave him. He made my self worth so low that I felt like I didn’t deserve anyone better. I feel like it’s impossible to not think about him because I love him so much and I am so attached to him to the point of obsession. I ended up getting pregnant and now I’m 12 weeks. He didn’t want a child at all, and I feel like he is resenting me, all he does is fight with me, and we stopped talking again. He wants nothing to do with my pregnancy but I know once the baby comes he will try and get custody. I don’t know what to do. How do I get over someone like this and let him go? How is it going to be when I have my child, should I try to keep the baby away from him? Will the courtroom believe me when I tell them he has a narcissistic sociopath? Is there a chance that someone like him could be a good father in any way? Do people like this ever change? I don’t know why I want to have hope that someday he will be a good person to me. Maybe I’m just wishful thinking.

    • My heart is breaking for you, Jamie. You’ve found yourself where I once found myself. We think if they show anger, they must know love, too. We think the anger and jealousy comes from a place of love. But their emotions just come from that dark place void of a conscience. Their behavior and seeming emotions are nothing but projections of how they view the world and the world is their enemy because they are also their own worst enemy. And pitying these people won’t serve us. It only hurts us. These relationships are like addictions because we keep chasing that high we got in the beginning that simply keeps eluding us. And it WILL continue to elude us because the sociopath’s attraction was a betrayal from the start, just like a drug. And I know of no court, at this time, that will consider the validity of a pathological disorder diagnosis unless it comes from a licensed and certified mental health professional. Even then, the implications seem to have no bearing on a judge’s ruling in family court. The word of their victim means nothing. So always focus on the facts while in the courtroom. Just the facts. Document and record what you can. And stay healthy for your child. If you are able to emotionally detach from his abuse while pregnant, even better. Just remember that the power to start thinking differently about what he is doing to your rational mind is within you. Awareness and acceptance is key. You were drawn to this site and others like it for a reason. There are no coincidences. :)

    • Research research research Narcissists, antisocial personality disorder, sociopaths, everything…research wives of the lowest of the low and see how they kept hoping. Denial is not just a river in egypt. That statement means, denial happens, and it can happen to ANY of us, it exists, shake yourself. Do you know how many sociopaths wives had no idea? 10s of 1000’s. They don’t change. And he turned friends against you, he will use that child against you even before it is out of your womb. 2nd Paula’s advice to record everything you can. Be a momma bear and if you can, do everything you can to save that child a life like the one you’re going through. Remember, momma bears, they fight to the death. What you will go through to break free will feel like it’s crushing your soul, it will hurt, like giving up a very strong drug addition, but accept the pain. Go to your torrent site and download some nature films and watch raw instinct take it’s course, i found it very inspiring. Imagine *him*, picking up that child and taking it from you. Imagine it. I know what you would do then, you would fight to the death. This can no longer be about thoughts a relationship or about HIM, there is only one that matters now and it’s the child. Would you give up heroin for the child? Of course you would try. Fight your addiction to him. Fight your fear. You can detach while he’s there, emotionally shut down even while he’s in your presence, research that online if you can. All easier said than done, but a momma bear can get that strength. Keep researching the internet and make sure you use a private browser. Reach out online to forums. Record on paper or on digital cloud everything you can. Everything he does to you he will do to your child, and you cannot imagine the hell he will inflict on you then. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.You can ask any. child. that grew up in a home like this, what they would want you to do, they would beg and plead you, please, please, save us from this. Go research children of narcissist, children of sociopaths, and imagine your child writing those words. Download any wildcat or bear documentary, watch them until you’re blue in the face. And fight. I’m praying for you for strength for you and for that child. When he says horrible things to you, imagine a toddler hearing that. Imagine a baby being called that. Imagine that child being taken from you. Visualize it. And fight. (but be very very very quiet about it. Stealth).

      You find a lawyer who deals with contentious divorces. You go to a domestic violence center and ask their advice. You know they don’t set up shop because they’re bored, they’re there to help you not be isolated, unadvised, alone, and helpless. They are there to save you and that child from a life of hell. Fight the chains. Fight your dreams that this abuser will change. And let that child be born into peace.

    • I have learned in my life what I am and generally stay away from people being a sociopath myself I have seen the results of my actions not that I care or worry about it never involve your self with people like me it never works well.

  51. I have been dealing with a sociopath narcissist for 4 years she was my girlfriend for 4 years many many many times if I had to write a book I would name it there is no hope for the devil. Everything you say in this article is dead on it’s hard to even talk to people because it takes too long to explain when you tell someone that someone is crazy aight think that’s just a figure of speech. So a lot of times or most the time you don’t even talk to people about your situation. Its been pure hell.I guess I did think of one more name of the book if I roll one it would be heaven and hell

    • Great titles, Steve! I’ve often described the relationship to others as hell on earth. I’m hoping my ex remains in his hell, far away from me and my loved ones. These people don’t deserve the same considerations the rest of us have earned. They just don’t. Many consider that harsh and hateful of me, but for those of us who “get it” and have seen the evil know it’s absolutely justified. :)

    • Yes Steve, I called my narcissitic sociopath ” The Devil Has Blue Eyes”. I truly believe he was Satan in human form.

    • Yes Steven this description is right. I noticed the narcissistic behavior in his mom first as I was attaining my bachelors in psychology…it took me longer to finally put the pieces together that my ex was the same. I did once way before I got out of hell, instant message my mother in law one morning..good morning Satan…it fit perfectly..though she did not like it much. This is a very damaging disorder that ruins many people’s lives and families.

  52. Make a plan with a trusted friend. Not via txt or email…it can be logged… and get out. I said I was visiting family just like a hundred times before. Do not go back for any reason. Ignore your family when they try to get you back together his abuse has tricked them too. You get one chance to leave safely.
    Search “leaving safely” from a public computer or incognito page and clear history or call a women’s welfare centre in your area for advice. Go!

  53. I have dealt with a narcissistic sociopath since 1996. We had a child together and it wasn’t long after our child was born that she really started to show her true colors. In hindsight I know exactly why everything went to hell after our child was born. I was no longer a challenge to her, so she believed. She now had hooks into me financially, and emotionally. She planned a final con on me to get our child and her completely out of the state we lived together in. She said she was offered and secured a great job out of state. She acted like she was remorseful for her antics she pulled while living together. She talked like she wanted me to move to her new destination as soon as I could do so, and she could easily support me while I adjusted to a new city and state. I was skeptical but I really wanted things to work for the sake of our child. Well I never moved because the so called job she had never existed. She lied as long as she could to keep me at bay, but I eventually gained the proof that she was completely full of crap. The damage was done, she managed to move our son out of state without me contesting it in court. Now came the hooks. I received legal paperwork for child support. My first attorney was not the best, but I managed to get a monthly visitation schedule with an agreement that she reimburse half my airline travel each month. I did get hit with fairly heavy child support for the young age of our child, but it was out of my control. I travelled for 8 years every single month to see our child. Although I submitted copies of airline receipts, I was never reimbursed a penny. I went to court and got contempt judgments, but they were worthless. She would come to court saying she is involved in a start up business and just doesn’t have extra funds. She even tried to con extra money from me by telling me our son needed special medications and she didn’t have enough. I never gave her anything extra because I knew my child support was her only solid income she had. She would lie and con money from family, friends, and the many mates she hooked up with. The main con she used was that I was a deadbeat dad and never paid anything. She even went so far as to tell some people she was somehow supporting me because I was the father of her child. This of course worked for awhile until people got smart to her game. By then she had a new network of people lined up to con. I ended up biding my time and gathering lots of proof the she was unstable to care for our child. Armed with a good attorney I won custody of our child in 2007 at the age of 10. I thought perhaps my troubles would be more manageable now that I had legal primary care, but joint custody. I was wrong. She systematically tried everything to jack up my ability to parent, and our ability to work together raising our child. First of all she never pays child support because she is never working. She keeps conning new people out of money, and had a 4 year marriage to an attorney. She was trying to gold dig her attorney and use him for legal advise on how to screw with me. Visitations were never normal. She would bring our child back late. She tried a number of times not to return our child at all. I was forced to keep going back to court to modify of visitation order. Each time she was proven to have lied in court, and she was hit with a number of contempt judgments. This only infuriated her to become even more spiteful. Almost 40 grand and counting is what she owes for support, but my wonderful judgment were nothing more than paper to wipe my butt with. Oh I I can’t forget her numerous attempts to have me investigated by child protective services. She now has a bench warrant for failure to appear and thus my life has been somewhat normal. She knows I will have her arrested if she comes to town and that actually scares her. Sociopaths don’t like losing control so jail is avoided at all cost. I may never recover the child support, but my sanity to raise our child without problems is worth it. Our child went from a C/D grade average while being brainwashed monthly by her, to a straight A student when she no longer came for visitations. She is evil and I know I’m not the only poor soul to have dealt with the abuse. Don’t feel stupid because you were involved with a sociopath. They are cunning con artist. I wouldn’t say they are super smart when it comes to lying. They are convincing in the sense they can look at anyone and boldly lie. It’s just once you know how they are, you can see how carelessly they throw lies together. Good luck to others who deal with them. If you have no legal attachment to them, run, change your number, even your address if possible. If the sociopath has been in a position to rifle through your personal belongings, computer, email, documents, assume they have done so already. They look to exploit you for whatever they can from the beginning you meet them.

    • Thank you, Anonymous! I’m very happy you and your children are in a better place…finally! It’s so sad that their need for control runs so deeply. They refuse to relinquish any kind of control or make simple and reasonable compromises all in the name of convincing others that they are the true victim. There is always a big venture they have planned because being “normal and average” is tasteless to them. The bigger the fake passion, the better they think they look to others. And you’re right about their intelligence. We give them too much credit. But those of us who are finally in-tune with ourselves and intuition are too challenging for the narcs/sociopaths of the world. We spot the con the moment they try shaking our hands.

    • God bless you for saving that child. : ).

  54. I have just dumped a sociopath, not really knowing what he was until I started reading these web-sites and blogs. There was no question that he was a narcissicist as well. His opinion of himself was very arrogant and not validated by any of his actions or relationships I never met a single person of importance in his life because there were none..It is bizarre though because I felt nothing for him in the end and began to get bored of the fantastical stories and then the lack of follow through for anything on his part. He was NOT an equal partner socially, emotionally or financially and the lies were so over the top and such nonsense I could not believe they actually came out of his mouth with a straight face. I told him this at the end and he sat there in utter shock, because I actually called him on it and told him I was no longer interested in the truth. I have blocked him from all e-mails, texts and Facebook contacts. My friends have also blocked him so he cannot access me in any way. I am only a bit concerned that he may just pop up unexpected but I really don;t think he will. It is far too easy for him to move o and sponge off the next girl. He does this for a living and I know I have already been replaced. I really appreciate reading all of your posts and appreciate web-sties like this that bring this type of behaviour out into the open. I know I did the right thing and feel supported by all of your stories. Thank You Laura

    • You’re welcome, Laura. You have wonderful friends.

    • Laura I’m glad you are reading on this subject sociopath I pray everyday that you can get help so you responding on Pallas web here anonymous on May 20th and calling me the devil with blue eyes gave me a good laugh for the day. But it’s not surprising that you try to turn everything back to me like usual that’s what people like you do I pray for you laura maybe you can get help now and realize the disease you have if we call it a disease steven holt

    • And somehow he finds her here, when she’s not even using her full name…..

  55. Thank you for writing this article. My late mother fits this description to a “T”…I could go on with the abuse…however she passed on 4 years ago….and sadly I am finding myself in some sort of weird identity crisis. I will no doubt be looking into some type of counseling. Thank you again.

    • don’t be fooled Paula please, the laura on your blog is this sociopath!at least he is reading on this subject and another good site love fraud I told her about. That is Donny Anderson site she was married to a sociopath for 35 years.

  56. If you all stopped being the victim and got over your obsession and had real friends you might all get well. Nobody cares ha ha ha!!!!!

    • Thank you, wise sage. My life has been saved thanks to your insights and truth telling. Shall I share your static IP address so others can make their pilgrimage to your front door in Manchester near Thomas Street North for more of your wisdom and guidance? (Wow. Thanks for the laugh.)

    • Truthteller should just spend a little time educating him/herself before sharing any thoughts. The old adage comes to mind… better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

    • It appears we have a sociopath among us in real life form!!

    • It sure does. I usually don’t respond to them. They end up slinking away when ignored. :)

    • Obviously the prattle of someone completely void of affective empathy!

      Your disordered moral reasoning is showing!

      Only a sociopath would fail to see that the folks who come to this site have been dealt significant harm. Lack of empathy, as well as shallow emotions would enable a person like you to be unaffected by what caring people undergo at the merciless hands of folks like you.

      Many of the participants here are caught in intricate emotional webs, and betrayal bonds, that heartless predators have established. No one has the right to deliberately, and selfishly, harm others. And no one with even an iota of common decency would expect the victim to simply shed their pain and prance onward.


  57. Michael E. Wise from Kirkland, IL. Is a hepatitisC positive sociopath

  58. Thanks gratefulone, that helps me a lot! I too have had to take time off work for surgery and now I no longer have a job. Even though I made the most money and took care of mostly everything, including having to tell him, every month, to only pay the utilities, he makes me feel like a burden to him and even tells people, like I’ve never worked, that I don’t do anything and he has to do it all and I don’t appreciate him. I know God did not intend for me to live like this and that’s why I struggle with leaving. My daughter has a home miles away and said I can come stay with her till I get on my feet. Our lease is up this month, so I’m seriously considering it. Especially since we have no money saved to move(which is my fault according to him),and hhe’s not even concerned about it. So, I kinda see this as my way out. Thanks for your prayers and I do feel more at ease due to what you’ve said.

  59. I have mentioned divorce a few times and even filled out the paperwork. The first time, he absolutely refused to sign them. The second time he said he wasn’t even considering me going anywhere and the third time, well let’s just say, I still have the paperwork ready to go. He actually mentioned divorce to me 3 days ago and said we should just get one because we’re not getting anywhere in this marriage, as if he’s the victim. Since then, he has been on “good behavior”. We both have children from previous marriages but none together. My biggest dilemma is my religion and my faith are haunting me about giving up on my marriage because God does not like divorce. I’m so torn between leaving him, again, and trying to make it work for the sake of my Christianity. I am getting tired and worn daily and really don’t know what to do aside from prayer. My psychologist doesn’t even believe he’s a narcissistic sociopath, maybe npd, but not sociopathic. She’s a member at our church too and because he works with the church and many members in their homes,(he’s a licensed contractor), no one from the church believes he can do the things I say. He lies on me to them, so some of them think I’m the problem in our marriage because that’s what he’s telling them. I’m so tired of fighting and defending myself. He refers to me as ‘her dumb ass’, when talking to people. He has nothing good to say about me unless I’m there and even then it’s jokingly. I feel no love, no genuine love, from this man. I feel like I married my worst enemy.

    • I completely understand your dilemma. As far as your psychologist not believing you that he’s sociopathic, that’s okay. No one else needs to “get it” 100%. The only way to “get it” 100% is for them to be fully exposed to his lack of conscience, empathy and remorse. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. It’s up to you to reconcile in your heart what you should do, for yourself and for your children. I follow a blogger who is a Christian Pastor and he writes from a place of faith about narcissists every Friday. He categorizes these posts as “It’s Narcissist Friday!” posts. I am positive that you may be able to find some answers related to your faith on his site. In my opinion, no God would hold it against you for eliminating toxic and evil from your life. Eve was duped by the devil. I think most of us, as shameful as it is, would admit we were, too. Here is the link to the blog:

  60. I need to say that my husband is a narcissistic sociopath. He has told
    so many lies about me to friends and family. Of course the people who know me knew he was lying because it wasn’t my character. He tried to make himself look like a hero when I attempted suicide, when he was the cause of my breakdown. My children and siblings despise him! I couldn’t understand how someone could be so cold hearted towards a woman he married for Christ sake! He lies daily to the point that I trust nothing he says. He attends church with me every week, even bible study and yet, he hasn’t one ounce of Christianity in his bones, not to mention his heart. I truly need to break away. He fooled me into going back to him four times, and then I married him. I feel so stupid!

  61. This article helped me identify the trouble I seem to be in. My husband had me thinking I was crazy and I almost killed myself due to his overwhelming condition and the way he treats me and talks to me. I’m so glad that I have an answer to so many questions. Now I understand what I’m living with and I have shared thus article with others who now know what kind of person he is, so I’m not alone anymore. Now I’m torn between my faith and leaving him for my own sanity. I could really use some tips on how to “escape”.

    • Kimberly, I am so happy you found some answers and are beginning to understand your life with your husband. I’m so sorry you found yourself in that dark place. The majority of us have been there. I was there. How comfortable and confident do you feel bringing up the subject of divorce with your husband? Do you have children with him or are your children from a previous relationship? So many things to consider before leaving in order to protect yourself and your children from any possible retaliation he may use through the court system.

    • Kimjonel, I’m a devout Catholic. I’m also divorced. My counselor spoke to my ex as part of my healing. the first thing I could suggest is find a counselor who is not associated with your personal life. That’s just my humble opinion. After my counselor spoke privately to my ex, who is a narcissist, for two of my sessions, After, I was told to stay while I could for my son’s sake. The bottom line is I was advised that I had to separate or become a statistic. I had overdosed on pills previously and lay in my car, unconscious, for almost nine hours. I am only here by the grace of God. My ex, after I moved to a separate room in the house, came in almost nightly and told me she could kill me in my sleep if she wanted to. Our God did not mean for us to live in this way and is very forgiving of our mistakes. My Priest told me I would be fine with the church… God knows our hearts. This life is not a dress rehearsal and we aren’t meant to suffer through it. We only get one shot to do it right and we are meant to be happy and fulfilled individuals. NS people can be very charming and affable when they are out in public, but all bets are off in private. Run… don’t walk, to the nearest lawyer and live in a shelter for abused women if you must. When I left my marital home I couch surfed and lived out of my car for almost a year. I was six months removed from a near fatal car accident and disabled. All I heard was how useless I was now. I walked away with nothing and did odd jobs to survive until I could recover enough to reinvent myself and start to work again. The bottom line for me is if I wanted out I just had to decide to make it work. In the end it was the best decision I ever made. Oddly narcissists are not few and far between. My girlfriends brother is one and his girlfriend is an NS, who I have written about here previously. We are having great fun dealing with these two. We all have the strength within us to do what we need to do. The hardest thing is to decide to decide. I’ll say a prayer for you.

    • Thank you, GratefulOne. :)

  62. Wow. Talk about a sack if reality. I am currently in a divorce that is with a narcissistic sociopath. Married to him for 11 years. Was trying desperately to have children-crazy remedies, IUI treatments, IVF all the shots – finally I get pregnant last jan and went to tell him the news and he was not happy. Abandoned me throughout my whole pregnancy while I was know bed rest. To me he was depressed and trapped and not going to know how we could afford a baby bla bla bla. Come to find out he was living a double life with another woman for who knows how Long, got her pregnant a month before me. As there for her pregnant and birth of his son and not there for me and my baby girl. The coldness, no guilt nothing. My daughter looks exactly like him and he is obsessed with her because she looks exactly like him. He moved out and is living with her and their baby. Just dropped us like trash. He cheated and used me for my money for the entire marriage. He manipulated me and he knew me more than I knew myself. So people trust your gut! I ignored signs. He had underlies affairs and came home exhausted all the time. Slept in and I did everything for him. He was in charge of finances thou. His new job is very successful and him and his new gf are living a well off life but it will never be enough for him. He will bore and use her too. That is what she gets for sleeping with a married man. Karma however is on my side and she is getting him good at the moment! All I have to say is he passed 3 kidney stones and texted me how excruciating the pain was. I said – I hear it’s like child birth. I did it so you will be fine! Stop complaining!!! Good riddance!

    • Hehe! Poor fella…had to pass some kidney stones. Seems like his karma is catching up to him. I am simply happy, however, that you and your baby are away from him and he is preoccupied with a new target/supply. Is he making the divorce process hell for you? With this other child keeping him busy, you may be ideally positioned to walk away quietly without too many custody headaches. But with a daughter that looks just like him, she may be one possession he won’t easily part.

  63. I am definitely in a relationship with a man that is NO all the way. I don’t even know where to begin. The emotional abuse is horrible and he is pretty physical and when he is physical it’s bad. And of course at the beginning he was amazing I couldn’t believe it I thought finally I found my true soul mate but that turned out to be the complete opposite. I now am completely lost. I have very deep depression which before him I had it controlled but now it’s taken over me all the way. I am nothing of what I use to be. I have no self worth and just feel stuck. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just leave him I threaten it all the time and have tried plenty I still have a hard time understanding how he can be so cruel and have no remorse…its hard to relize that these monsters are real. I need help and want help plz someone help me and the sad part is I have my beautiful 3 yr old daughter with me to.

    • You’re living with him? You and your daughter? Is your daughter his daughter? If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for her. She deserves a happy and healthy mother and you will never be happy and healthy in a toxic relationship. Do you have family you can contact to help you? Anyone that can physically help you move and find a new and safe place for you and your daughter?

  64. Thank you so much for this article. I’m currently in a horrible place as a result of dating a sociopath. Reading your article has really helped me to quit trying to fix things or understanding the logic behind how he treats me. I am done with being psychologically and emotionally abused. Your words have helped clear the situation for me and I can finally free myself from it and him.

  65. This articulates my exact feelings. I also am shocked at the illogical process by a justice system lacking of any justice in which these people can control the law. I’ve been dealing with false allegations resulting in a TRO. When the plaintiff reached out to me via email saying they wanted to drop it etc and it was getting out of hand I, thinking a sociopathic narcissist had a change of heart, called to talk like adults. I was arrested the next day for violating a restraining order. I recently lost my job and have had to spend about 15,000 in lawyer fees as they are allowed to file for a restrsining order, have it become final and then drop it. It’s a kalfkaesque nightmare.

    • That’s disgusting! How do the police and courts not see the trap these people set up? How?

    • Women (and other power minorities like GLBTIQ folk, working class, underpriviliged, non-Anglo, or migrants) communicate relationally…contextually in terms of relationships.

      Hetero white men with privilige (or who imitate that privilige for purposes of power) speak in terms of fact. Courts and police only deal with facts. (Who writes the laws??? For most of western history rich white men)

      When you deal with Police and Courts you have to manage your image and conduct. You must have meticulous records of communications, take notes on phone and date then if you have to speak on ph but try and get him to commit to an email or text. have composure, play the game. Every time you deal with a government agency or specialist take notes, get copies. Trust noone. Officers of the state are exhausted and departmental functionaries are too underpaid to listen, be diligent or care. Your feelings and sense of injustice serve you nothing here. Speak well, be the best version of yourself, respond to the court not the idiot. His lawyer is just paid, it’s not personal. The officers are desensitised so save your tears. It’s not their kids whose well being is at stake.
      Walk away where you can. And learn not to lose it with each new email or legal letter … it’s a game sister. And you’re smarter, wiser and more gracious than he is.

  66. My girlfriend is a wonderful person. Her brother is a narcissist. His girlfriend is a narcissistic sociopath. She, the girlfriend, has decided that my girlfriend is her enemy and she is systematically poisoning my girlfriends brothers mind against her to the point of him becoming physically violent. He came into her office last week and smashed her desk into kindling during a screaming fit of furry. All the time accusing her of things she never said or even inferred. We are all in our 50s and 60s. It is becoming more and more apparent that the brother’s girlfriend is doing everything possible to end any relationship between my girlfriend and her brother. But to what end? It was equally apparent prior to this that she was trying to put an end to my girlfriend and I. We used to go out together and towards to end of our socializing I would look up and catch her looking at me like she wanted to stab me with her steak knife. Then there were the numerous times that, when they were at our home for a birthday or some other occasion, as soon as I stood up she would jump into my seat before I would come back… Every time. She would even go to the extreme of moving my dinner dish and move to my spot at the dinner table. It was bizarre. My guess is that she saw me as a threat to the delicate balance she had achieved and her perceived ownership of my girlfriend before I came along and ruined everything. Anyway, is there some way of opening my girlfriend’s brother’s eyes to the fact that he, a narcissist, is dating a narcissistic sociopath, or do we wash our hands of them and make a run for it?

    • It may be best not to engage. These people can be very unpredictable in the lies they spin, and you have no idea what lies have already been set into motion through triangulation and manipulation of others. Uuuuggghh! I’m really sorry you are dealing with the insanity.

    • Yes, the insanity… My girlfriend and I bang our heads together trying to understand the motivation behind them turning against us. The brother’s girlfriend just wants what she wants and her action is not the product of rational thought. So, the answer can’t be the product of rational thought. Hence, since her brother is a narcissist and can’t ever admit he’s wrong, his reaction to his narcissistic sociopath girlfriend’s manipulation can’t be wrong either. The worst thing you could ever do for a narcissist is give him a narcissistic sociopath for a girlfriend. Talk about toxic!!!

  67. Its amazing how many traits my ex had.he fits the description of a NS.I didn’t know it until I left him..that was a 1 year ago and im still thinking of him..he sent me a text that was meant for someone it he says he’s engaged and so happy..why would he send this to me accidentally or on purpose. .I didn’t respond..

    • Because he wants you to think about him and to be affected by him. He likes knowing he still can pull your strings and control you, even in his absence. These fools are absolutely delusional. Everyone affects everyone to a degree. The fact you think about him is normal. You think about everyone who has ever entered your life. It’s normal. But to this fool, he’s the only person from your past you think about or consider. That text was no accident. Good for you for not responding.

    • You’ll know you’re getting the NSSOB out of your system when you don’t even bother looking past the “from” line before you hit delete!!!

  68. Hi, I’m not sure if my husband is a NS

    • Then start with what you are sure about…how he makes you feel about yourself and your worth. If being with him drains you and makes you feel worthless, confused and depressed, even if you can’t define what he is, you can define the relationship as toxic. I’m so sorry.

  69. I am so glad I came across this site. I am just getting out of a five year relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. It has been a very difficult, confusing, life changing experience. I am in therapy but still am having a very difficult time. I loved this man with my whole heart, it is so hard to look back on all of the horrible words and events of our relationship and comprehend at all why I miss him and cry. It is unfathomable to me that he never loved me. I pray that in time I will heal and make peace. I have been on many sites and have read so much. One common theme seems to be that I should absolutely NOT contact him now that he is out of my life. So hard but it has been ten days with no contact so far. Thank you for your site and information.

    • Mari, I’m glad you’re finding validation and realizing what all of us who have been where you have been absolutely agree is the key to moving forward: no contact! I know it’s hard. I do. I was the queen of breaking no contact. Each time I did, I was sent back to square one in my emotional recovery. Reading sites like this will help you maintain no contact. Be strong and never be ashamed to reach out for help. Namaste! ~Paula

    • I’m proud of you. 10 days are a good start. One day at a time. I too, have been involved for 4.5 years and am at 10 days with no contact. I know he will contact me again. It’s what he does. This new victim, he’s now back with again after breaking up with 3 times. I finally emailed her a warning knowing I shouldn’t hv. Of course she didn’t know about me and I know she is believing his lies, but felt I needed to tell her. I will hear from him, either hatefulness for contacting her or pleading to come back again, either way, I will not respond. I always have before, just to get me back where I was, loving and believing in him, praying for change. It won’t happen. I finally choose me ! U hv to choose u and realize you deserve more and true love. The sociopath has no ability to give you what you need or deserve. Let him go ! Choose to love and accept YOU ! Heal from this. You can, and you will ‘

    • I have been with my husband for 27 years, in the begining never felt so loved and understood.Now never felt so dessolate ,bereft and abused.He has left my son and I completely financially and emotionally destitute.He lied ,he cheated,he manipulated everyone.When you are hit or raped etc. you can go to the police or the courts.When you are psychologically and spiritually and emotionally destroyed by a cunning evil individual who steals your time, your self respect and your personality and confidense you have no recourse anywere and no way of truly explaining to those who have not lived it.This is the best understanding I’ve seen of anything I’ve read because it’s actually been lived by the writer and therefore,rings totally true with anyone who is also suffering at the hands of these calouse people.

    • I’m so sorry you have experienced this, too, Michelle, but thankful you realize you aren’t alone and can find validation. :)

  70. […] is an extract: for the the full post, which is strongly recommended, see link. For example, she quotes a crucial point from Martha Stout about narcissism and sociopathy: […]

  71. I have been trying to figure out for years what is wrong With my ex. I stumbled across this website and saw the dsm iv breakdown of the behaviors. I feel better knowing I am not insane. I knew in the beginning of the relationship that there was something wrong because the stories he told contradicted themselves and he mooched off of others … He can not or will not keep a job. He acted as if I asked too much of him to get one when we got married. To this day he will not get a car. …He refuses to drive. He uses others for rides and begs me saying how he has no one else. .. What makes matters worse is we have a son together. When it’s visitation time., he says I am using him as a babysitter. …I can’t deal anymore. He fits all but one of the traits of sociopath and 5 of the narcissistic traits. How do I get rid of him? I’m afraid he is going to become worse and hurt me or emotionally damage our son.

    • Unfortunately, you can’t get rid of him but you can refuse to engage his crazy-making moving forward. You know you’re much more than a babysitter, right? Who cares what he thinks. He’s not going to do anything to hurt you or emotionally damage your son as long as you continue modeling love, patience and tolerance. My 2nd book, which I am in the middle of writing, will hopefully provide helpful and more in-depth insight into approaches to coping as co-parents with these types. The first key is to not engage or allow them to control you emotionally or financially.

  72. I would like to tell my story with maybe some hopes of understanding. Do i have this problem, does she, or did both of us. Please don’t attack me I’m just looking for answers.

    So here we go. I met this girl who just walked away from a five year relationship like it was nothing at all. About 10 days after leaving him she was dating me. We fell in love so fast it was amazing. We both said this is the feeling people talk about when they meet the one. We talked about our future often and were engaged in nine short months. Everyone was so happy for us. We tried to make wedding plans for about 3 months then just stopped for some reason. I was confused as most women who get engaged are head over heels about wedding plans. Time went on she got a job working third shift in a factory and things started getting harder. I began to worry about her cheating with guys she worked with. We were fighting often. She always would say that i had this Shitty tone with her that for the life of me i just could not see no matter how hard i tried. Her drinking started to get worse and worse as did our fighting. She would often accuse me of looking at other women. That of which no other woman compared and i would often remind her that i only wanted her in my life. While drinking she would often break down saying how fucked up she is. How much her terrible childhood had ruined her. Her mother instilled in her to count on a man. I always told her and showed her that i would always be there for her. She once tried to leave me because she said she needed to just be her she had always been in a relationship. When this was going on i wrote her a very long letter telling her what she meant to me, printed off every picture we had together and left home for her. After all this i learn that she had been messing around with a great friend of mine for months and was contemplating leaving me for him. When i confronted her about this she Initially denied it until i provided proof. I never tried to walk away just asked why and how do we fix it. She had told me that i didn’t make her feel wanted it was my fault. This i know is where i went wrong, i went through the phone records to see what had really been going on, upon doing this i learned that she had been sending him and i the same naked pictures and talking to many other men from work. When i confronted her about this she became very angry and left me for going through the records. After five days she came back jumping into my arms saying she couldn’t live without me. I was so happy to have her back. She wanted some time apart. We took about a week and i was trying to get her to come back home. She finally did but said she was home but was not ready to. Once she was home i was always close and cuddly to her for i was so happy to have the woman i loved so dearly back home. She began complaining that i was suffocating her. I mean why wouldn’t i be close i had nearly lost her. A month later her drinking was getting very bad again. She was very mean to me when she drank. The smallest thing would Set her off. As she kept turning more and more into an alcoholic things kept getting worse. Our once besutiful relationship just felt like we were going through the motions. She was becoming very depressed and even suicidal. She once told me what made her happy was her car. I was taken back by this as to it is just a material thing. We even had a fight about the dog with her telling me and fighting with me that i loved our dog more than her. I recorded the fight as she was drunk in desperation so that i could show her how she was treating me. The next morning i tried to show it to her and she would not listen to it. It only pissed her off that i did that. Right around this time i had the gut feeling that someone had been at the house while i was at work. I asked her about this and she said it was not true. Then one day i got home the front door was open and she was passed out face down on the couch with her phone beside her. I turned her phone on and seen texts that my suspicions were true. A guy from work had been there. I woke her up and asked her about this and she denied it. After handing her phone back to her she knew that i knew and she confessed. I hate being lied to hate it. She tried to say they were just friends. Then i seen the message oil open on the table. I asked about that, she said his shoulders hurt. I was irate by this time. She still begged and pleaded with me they were only friends. But she had still lied. I let this go and tried to move on. I wanted to let go and walk away but just couldn’t, i loved her too much. So while feeling this way i sent her a text that we both knew it was over but neither one of us knew how to say goodbye. She replied and agreed. That really shocked me and scared me. The next day i tried to take back ever saying that wanting to just work through things and that we could make it. Then a member of her family became very I’ll and was dying so this whole thing got put on hold. While she was at the hospital i kinda felt like i wasn’t part of the family anymore. Like i was being cast away. I asked if she needed me there and she said no so i strayed home. A couple few days later i picked her up from her familys house she was distant to say the least. On the way home i asked if she was ok. She said she was just fine. So then i asked ok so where do you and i stand? At this time she freaked out and said i was being selfish for asking that even though she just said she was fine. We fought about it the whole way home. A few days later we had set a day that we were going to talk. Upon getting home she told me she had made up her mind and would be getting her things on the weekend, we were done. I began dry heaving and throwing up begging her not to go. She left and come Sunday she was a no show in the morning. So i went to her parents only to find her in bed with the guy that had been at my House. I tried to ask for an explanation as she only yelled at me saying she didn’t owe me anything. She ended up showing up with her parents and ended up going upstairs laying on our bed crying that she didn’t want to move out but knew she had to. But only 15 min before she was yelling at me as to put on a show in front of that guy. So she moved out and she would talk to me but was very short. I would tell her that i thought about her a lot that day and she would say the same but say this was it. I was still trying and trying to get her back for i would have never gave up on us no matter what. Out of curiosity i ended up looking at the phone records from the end of our relationship. And as a note i had never done this since the first time. However upon looking i saw that she had been talking to a new guy that she worked with for three weeks prior to moving out. She talked to him for two hours the very day she moved out. Even after seeing this while dropping some things off at her parents i still got on my knees like a fool trying to get her back. She kicked me out. I am so devastated by this time and its been a month. So later on i find out she was sleeping with this guy less than a month after she left me and he is married with two kids. I’ve still tried and tried to get her back and now i can’t talk to her.
    So now 5 months later i am still absolutely devastated. I haven’t been to my own home in months i can Barely function in life now. I am the shell of a man that i used to be. I don’t know who i am anymore. I’m so lost and can’t even see a future in front of me anymore. I now suddenly hate my job and feel like my whole life is caving in on me. She has told me that she is herself again and that all this was my fault. I feel like a piece of shit, i feel like garbage. She has taken all my pride all my self worth everything. And nobody understands how i feel now. They don’t get it. Am i really a sociopath/narrscist? Is this why i keep getting cheated on and treated like shit or do i keep finding these type of girls? I just can’t take having my heart shattered anymore….. I can barely get out of bed and function In life now. If it is me i have to get this fixed, i want to. If not i have got to see the signs earlier so i am not crushed like this. She just moved on like i was nothing at all to her.

    • Lost,

      Regardless if it’s you or her, you obviously see that the relationship was toxic and only served to bring more drama and confusion into your life. Often times, people become addicted to this chaos and drama, which explains why many end up in these relationships over and over again. It becomes a familiar comfort. Crazy, huh?

      The great news is that you’re obviously tired of this feeling and you want to change. For you to begin your transformation, there is no need to place absolute blame on you or her at this point. You’re accountable for your part despite her lack of accountability. Just because she insists on blaming you for everything doesn’t make it so, okay? Healthy people with a conscience and an ability to feel remorse and empathize with others may get angry and lash out at their partners crappy behavior, but they eventually feel guilty and shameful and make attempts to make amends and help each other find closure. Unfortunately, if we’re in a relationship with a sociopath or narcissist, closure is never reached because the sociopath/narcissist NEVER admits fault…never! (Unless they think admitting fault will win them something…like pity and more narc supply. But even then, they aren’t really sorry. It’s just another manipulation. They say what needs to be said just to gain or attain something.)

      If this is a pattern for you, you may want to seek the guidance of a professional counselor who can help you more.

      Your ex may or may not ever apologize or take responsibility. You need to accept that in order to move forward. Otherwise, you’ll continue to ruminate and over think your part and feel more and more blame and shame.

      Good luck to you. Be patient with yourself. :)

    • Lost-

      Romantic love is an addiction. There are chemicals at work in your brain that can glue you into a toxic relationship, just like the bond that forms in a positive one. Those chemicals don’t distinguish between good and bad. They are part of what mother nature gave you to enable you to procreate and raise a family. Your emotional chemistry has been played with by betrayal.

      For some folks, not all, betrayal can create an even stronger compulsion toward a person. Think of it as the immediate cessation of alcohol to an alcoholic. They would become desperate for their next drink.

      Because the chemicals of love are internal, we don’t recognize their hold on us. Right now, you are in a state of intense longing. Just like an alcoholic needs to abstain, so do you. And through abstaining, you’ll begin to see what happened to you with greater clarity.

      Right now, you’re still reeling from blame and shame that was hurled back and forth while you were together. You did not act in a narcissistic or sociopathic fashion when you tried to get to the bottom of what was happening. That’s simply the ploy that she used to guilt you when you uncovered her bad acts. You behaved in an adaptive fashion. It was her infidelity, not your desire to protect yourself that was at fault. Stop heaping that guilt on yourself.

      You put up with a great deal. One day, you’ll encounter a soul mate who will be worth the forgiveness you bring to a relationship. This woman wasn’t. Be careful about choosing partners. If it seems too good to be true, quickly, you may very well be falling for a sociopath. Inquire about their past and look at whether they exhibit meaningful kindness toward others.

      You’ve written it down. Read it over and over so you can remind yourself how bad it was and remain in reality. Any time you think of going back, read it again.

      Wishing you the best on your road to recovery.


    • Thank you, Joyce! As always, your input and knowledge is invaluable. Namaste!

    • Was her name Trisha? Lol.
      Sorry dude, but you just regurgitated my story of 13 yrs with my now ex wife. Except my ex is a drug addict.

    • Lost, it sounds like you are a good candidate for counseling. You are not to blame, but I am concerned that you are not functioning in your daily life. The drinking was not your problem, it is your ex’s problem. From reading your post, there were red flags about this woman from the very first paragraph. I would suggest that you re-read what you’ve written here; better yet, print it out and take it to a professional and show it to him or her. You need to get a firm grip on reality. You have your entire life ahead of you. Just take it from one who experienced something like this seven years ago, this gal did you a favor when she moved on. Please, whatever reason she gives when she runs out of men to victimize, do not take her back.

  73. Paula has become an angel to my soul. I’ve shared with her my ups, as well as my downs of the 2-1/2 year relationship I had with a Narcissistic/Sociopath. I’m completely convinced and honestly believe I was involved with this person — fell in love with this person. I’ve talked to friends, cried to friends, cursed to friends, experienced complete anguish over the relationship that I had; yet, too embarrassed to speak to anyone in my family about my relationship with this man.

    I make every effort not to cast judgment on another human being. The signs over the 2-1/2 years and the final dagger to my heart two weeks ago, led me on my quest for answers. Why did I allow it? How could I continue to “go with the flow?” Why didn’t I use my “gut” instinct — my intuition when red flags flew so vividly in front of my eyes? I’m a hopeless romantic; I try diligently to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, including men of which I become involved with and ultimately fall in love.

    I’m sure I’ve offended some of my friends; I’ve made every effort to ask forgiveness for the total meltdown — and I mean complete and total MELTDOWN they experience by me via phone two weeks ago. All I can ask is that they love me, support me, and send prayer and positive energy to my heart and soul as I heal.

    I still love this man. I think of him frequently throughout the day BUT, I also think of the mental pain and sorrow he also placed on my heart.

    Let the healing begin. It won’t happen overnight but I do have faith that, in time, God will see me through this and I will emerge stronger, happier, healthier and eventually my heart will heal to love again. Time heals all wounds…

    From my heart to your heart, I wish you peace, health, and a renewed spirit.


    • Hi Nyla-

      It is so heart wrenching to find that the person you put faith in was not what you believed. All here, who have experienced similar pain, can empathize with what you’re going through and wish you well on your journey to recovery.

      You mentioned something that I’d like to clarify for you, so you stop wondering why you still have feelings for him and frequently think of him.

      Sociopaths are very good at spotting people who have empathy and a code of conduct of forgiveness toward a loved one. If you were not a loving, giving soul, he would not have targeted you. So don’t be too hard on yourself for not kicking him to the curb earlier. Your ability to unconditionally love prevented you from doing so. The trick is to unconditionally love people who have better character and intent.

      The rumination going on in your brain will eventually stop. You might try writing down your saga so you don’t feel inclined to keep it replaying in your mind. Doing so can help you sort things out better than having random thoughts.

      Now that you’re aware that sociopaths exist, you’ll be harder to fool. Make sure to look seriously at a person’s ability to relate to the pain of others before you give your heart away to them in the future.

      Wishing you a speedy recovery.


    • Perfect advice, Joyce. Writing the saga down serves many purposes, the least of which is to keep the mistreatment by the abuser at the forefront of our minds. We naturally go to the good memories. When we do that in the aftermath of pathological abuse, we cause ourselves more and deeper cognitive dissonance. When we have it written down, we can easily pick up the document, read it and quickly return to reality and state of validation with less guilt and minimal self-shame and blame.

  74. I’m 1 month free of my N wife yet I keep reading and reading about it. I felt all the abuse mentioned above. She was text book from the onset till the time I stood up for myself, after almost two years of my own research trying to figure out what I was witnessing. I think I’m one of the lucky ones in a way.. I stuck it out for a bit over three years “hoping to help her change” “wanting to fix her” Being put down, caught in constant catch 22’s.. I say I was lucky because I let her play her game..I recorded many conversations we had on my phone, what a gold mine of evidence for a theropist…I kept a journal at work. Stay focused on who YOU are this was the key to my escape…healing starts rapidly if you know your not at fault. I love her. I just can’t love her. Best of luck to all. Back to waking up with a smile!!!!

    • Congratulations, Rich! Thank you for your encouraging words. Namaste! :) <3

    • Today was my court date. After a sleepless night, stomach in knots, sweating for no reason, having flashbacks of the many times I told her “I love u” and received blank stares and being blamed for the eggshells. As I sat starring out the window while she made small talk with the judge with the occasional “haha” following something she said. I just wanted to cry. Show the judge my psych report, tell her the story…let her hear the recordings on my phone… I did nothing…her show went on, dressed like she was running for president. I remained silent unless spoken to. Trembling at her voice…every word made me cringe, its over now, never having to have contact with that emotionless being ever again. I’ve been practicing no contact for a while now, its the only way back to sanity… now to change my phone number… and beyond that, back to my hobbies and my daughter, the two things that I love the most. Thanks to everyone putting there stories here, it hurts to read them as I have teared many times for you as I can relate to the pain so much. This site and others pushed me to stand up for myself. I did it…I’m done..I’m free to be me.

    • Rich J., I am so happy that this is now behind you. I can imagine the internal upheaval you were experiencing inside the courtroom. To us, these people have zero demeaning qualities once we see how easy it is for them to discard and dismiss us, regardless of how the relationship ultimately ended. We think we’ll miss them in the beginning stages of letting go, but we ultimately wake up one day and they no longer hold a space in our present consciousness. It’s so freeing! I wish you and your daughter peace and joy and love! Namaste! ~Paula

  75. Hi! I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Award. Check it out here:

    • How fitting! Paula’s blog does a great job of dealing with a painful and complex issue! Great choice!

  76. You asked what I’m willing to do, we have already hired a lawyer. Of course my daughter is mad because new didn’t use that money to buy her a car or a place to live, she does live with us. My fear is she will either neglect the baby or worse sell it. I would not put it past her. I’m willing to take money out on my house that’s been paid off for years just to keep paying the. My daughter refuses to even take meds and I even think they make her worse. My husband and I both are ready to raise our grandchild. Until she is 18 in private schools and in church. I’m ready to put the child into therapy as she can talk. I’m ready and willing to do anything for my grandbaby, heck I’ve already kicked a 20year smoking habit, just so my grandbaby would not have to be around a smoker. I will go as long a God allows me to live to help my grandbaby

    • If you want to take this offline, email me at :)

    • Hi Tom, thank you, I know I’m a to blame as for some or even most of her actions. I did throw her out at 18 I turned phones off, I refused to speak to her or help her. She moved across the country and she got a gathering of “haters” omg some of the things they sent to my about my kid. I didn’t defend her, I didn’t help her. I felt my hands were tied when she became pregnant. As much as she needs to be on her ass or in jail, I’m just not heartless enough to hurt my grand baby, I know she will use the baby to get what she wants, that’s why my husband and I have filed for custody of the baby. Its so bloody hard to even think that something bad will happen to my granddaughter. I just can’t stand back and do nothing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to that baby.

  77. Hello, sounds like most people here might be able to help me or point me in the right direction. Ok ready? Here we go…. I was a single mother at 17. Trust me when I say I know I made my mistakes but I don’t think I made one huge enough for me to think my 21 year old daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. She moved to LA (California) a long way from home. We only got calls from her when she was homeless, penniless, hungry, sick or high. So often that we had to turn our phones ringers off at night to keep her from waking us up. She was out there for about 7 months with her Facebook always stating how successful she is, how band members and clebs just couldn’t get enough of her, she came home from Las Vegas on a bus paid for by a mental institution. She stated with us until about February 2014.same thing again when she was back in CA. Same calls to us all the while her Facebook shows how “famous ” she is. She returned home on my dime on the last week of June of this year pregnant……….. I know my worse nightmare, she used drugs the entire time she was pregnant. I kept telling her DCS would take the child, and 15 days after the baby was born sire enough they did take the baby, thank God she is healthy. I know my daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. Omg the lies she tells, the amount of times that we have had to call the cops because every “safely plan” we have the last thing is to call the police. She pushes it to that every time. For example last time we called the police was when we went looking for the weed in her room (she lives with us because her friends turn out to not be “true” friends you know, always them never me as she says. Anyways back to the police, we (my husband and I) removed the pot from her room and put it in our safe. She came home and EXPLODED that we rook her weed she started breaking everything in the house and of course at the “level” we r suppose to call the police. We did she ran, later calling our home and spoke with the cop if she had any charges against her, she didn’t come home for days. We can never get the truth out of her. If she says its raining we actually go check because of the lies, we catch her lining, I’ve told her she best write down all the lies because she’s even forgetting in the heat of the moment. Ive started to try and record things when I think they r getting out of hand, of course a lot of times I can’t get to the recorder or she will see me doing it, she has broken my nose twice as a minor, all my ex boyfriends told me to pick them or her, of course I picked my child over a man, I knew she had issues, I dragged her to countless therapist with each and everyone saying that she needed inpatient care. I put her into inpatient care, it didn’t work, everything BLEW UP and she got in trouble with the law AGAIN, that time I went to court I pleaded with the judge to help me, I told him that I could buy her the nice shoes, pay for her horses (yes she had horses), I could do anything she needed EXCEPT keep her safe from herself. They moved her into docs custody and placed her into a level 3 lock down facility until she was 18. Then they sent her home, now she’s 18 I have no power, I can’t make her take meds, she did stop taking meds, she cuts herself alot and has nerve damage due to all the cutting she has done on her left arm (she’s right handed) everything I do is wrong according to her, she tells everyone that we (my daughter and I) have a volatile relationship. What they don’t know is she has a volatile with everyone and anyone who disagrees with her, old friends of hers from CA contact me and ask me what is wrong with her, she steals, I know she has prostituted herself just for a place to sleep. She tells me one thing then tells my mother another, sometimes I think is she nuts or just trying to start trouble. My mother is afraid of her. We all have seen her “2” faces, the real one and the one she puts on for everyone else. There is years of this, we see it why can’t a trained professional see it, I know she has been in the “system ” enough to know what NOT to say. There has to be someone out there that is smarter than her, heck I’ve contacted Dr.Phil so many times for help. I’m lost and I need help. My grandbaby is now in states custody, my husband and I hired our own attorney to get us custody, but of course the court gave my daughter one and he thinks my daughter is perfectly normal, boy oh boy he is soooooooo wrong. I’m terrified my daughter will get custody of her daughter back and something bad will happen. I’m in tears writing this, this isn’t the babies fault. I could write a book just on what my daughter has done just while being pregnant, how her getting pregnant wasn’t HER (my daughters) fault…… trust me I pray, I pray every night until I fall asleep. Is there anyone out there that can help me? I’m sure I left things out or didn’t go into enough detail ….. I guess this is just a starting point for me. PLEASE HELP me help my grandbaby.

    • I’m truly sorry that you have endured what you’ve endured. It sounds like you tried what any mother would try in order to improve, increase and open communication with your daughter. It seems like all efforts backfired and/or alienated you both from each other more.

      Dr. Phil would gloss over the obvious pathology present and tell you it’s a relationship and communication problem. He’d probably even tell you her meds are wrong or that you need to be more patient and invite your daughter and granddaughter to move in with you and work on the relationship.

      I’m not certain about that, but I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil doesn’t have the balls to “get real” himself and tell you your relationship with your daughter is a lost cause.

      I think your relationship with your daughter is a lost cause, if, in fact, she is pathological. It sounds like she is, and the fact she keeps duping the docs while inflicting her BS on to you should be enough of a motivator for you to now focus on your granddaughter’s safety.

      What are you willing to do to keep your granddaughter safe? What sacrifices are you willing to make for your granddaughter’s safety?

      The key is to flip the power. Your daughter has it right now and will continue to have it if all you do is react to her actions. Calling the police doesn’t help, does it? Turning off your ringer doesn’t help, does it? Letting her come and go as she pleases just because no one else can tolerate her doesn’t work, does it?

      You’ve been enabling her behavior out of obligation, guilt, and most of all, out of love.

      But you’ve obviously reached the end. Now you’ve simply had it! You’re angry and you see this baby as her potential next victim, someone else she can blame and shame.

      You don’t want that! You want your grandchild to have a better life, a better chance at a happy existence. And you have a lot of proof that supports your prediction that your grandchild will suffer if left with your daughter.

      You know what you have to do, but even the thought of doing it is killing you inside. You’re a victim who wants to save another. But you’re struggling with coming to terms with being a good person despite taking the action that you see as hurtful to your daughter.

      If you don’t act, where will you be? You’ll remain your daughter’s hostage.

      What are you fearing? What’s your biggest fear?

    • Hey desperate… Your daughter isn’t N.S. what she has is a narcissistic personality disorder. There is a big difference. A nercissistic personality had grandiose ideas and shows a lack of empathy, and is likely going to resort to drugs. There are many more traits and the condition is treatable, but you have to stop enabling your daughter. The biggest cause of narcissistic personality disorder is overprotection and doing everything for the child at a young age and not allowing them to suffer any consiquences. The condition is treatable over time, but the first one who has to recognize the problem is you. My son suffered from the same symptoms. I put him on the street and ultimately had him arrested, but after four years he’s well on the road to recovery.

    • Desperate Grandmother-

      Unfortunately, Tom Wilcox is correct. You will never help your daughter onto a meaningful path. She has to do it on her own. Giving her a roof over her head or money, or other supports will not turn her around. She may not turn around. She is no longer a child. She may hate you for “tough love,” but you can’t pander to her misunderstanding because supporting her will surely promote failure.

      I do not agree, however, with his concept of how she came by her disorder. There are a myriad of impacts that caused her to be who she is, and I’m sure it was never your intent that she have these issues.

      The only thing you should be saying to your daughter is “call us when you’re ready for rehab.” Unless and until that happens, whatever your attorney can accomplish for you in court is your best avenue. Judges take it seriously when the grandparents are ready to intervene for a grandchild but you’ll need to build a strong case. Pull all your files and documents together so that your evidence is credible.

      Wishing you the best in your attempt to work out your problems.

  78. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. I came here after researching these people and I can honestly say that I have at least 2 people who I can say were Narcissistic Sociopaths. The first experience I’ve had with these characteristics were with my own mother. She was a single parent with countless loser boyfriends and I can count on one hand the times she said I love you or hugged. us. Those times were in front of other people and I felt the sheer fakeness, even as a child. There are 7 children my brothers and sisters, and to some degree we are all functioning dysfunctionals. Whenever, I have divulged my childhood upbringing to anyone, they have their eyes wide open and plenty have told me that I should write a book. I always say, that I would never write a book unless I could be 100% Anonymous. Since, I’ve read the other stories on this blog, I feel safe in writing my own experience. Sometimes, I feel myself as quite “off” , I mean I love and I will meet death before I allow anything to happen to my children, but I guess I’ve changed in some way… My mother had favorite children- she made no secret about this. In our house hold she had slaves and overseerers. I know, it sounds wierd- let me digress. She had workers and those who she didn’t have them do any work- but rather take the belt and see to it that the work was done. I had been beaten for the mop not being wrung out. I’ve had cat litter with feces thrown into my face, I’ve have a whole container of garbage thrown on me while I was asleep. I’ve had dishes and silverware, plates pots, etc, beat upon my head when they were not cleaned properly. My mother was the type that would burn you with the iron if there was a wrinkle in a shirt. Youd’e get that shirt pressed out next time. She would over turn the dresser if your clothes were not in the drawers correctly. She would go on these amazing rants about how no man would ever want her because of us, and I always talked to myself saying I would never be her when I grew up. My mom had countless loser live-in boyfriends and then they would eventually leave (us) after the beast came out. You can only wear the mask for so long. In between the boyfriends she would be extra hard on us- blaming us for not doing what we were supposed to do, maybe he would have stuck around. I can remember cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for these low-lives. Running bathwater, massaging their feet, and bringing them water. One boyfriend she had was 20 years younger than her, was a real nut job. he had Hustler and Playboymagazines and I believed he was in a satanic cult. He was the one who convinced her into the harsh beatings. They all started when my brother brought his report card home and he had bad grades. This boyfriend told my mom the reason was because he had no father at home whipping his ass and getting him in line. So, that’s when he beat him. He beat him like a real run-away slave. Hands tied and no shirt on. My brothers and sisters and I counted those lashes up to the 100’s. He practically fainted when they let him out of the room… When this boyfriend had it in for you- he had it. I tried to stay out of his way and do as I was told. But, he was a sicko. He eventually convinced my mom to beat us- even the girls Naked. So, it was my turn… I was accused of stealing tokens and passing them out to my friends. What the hell was I going to do with tokens at 12 years old? So, he convinced my mom into beating us naked because we weren’t feeling the burn thru our clothing. She agreed. I never forgave her for that. How do you allow a man who is NOT the father, beat your daughter who was developing breasts NAKED? ANyway, He threw me on the bed when I came in with “at least my panties” on…No, He threw me on the bed and ripped them off. Mother, in the room. I hated her. He beat me with a belt and when I used my hands to cover my breasts he came over saying some stupid shit like “move your goddamn hand”, I done seen titties before” I used the other hand to cover my privates and that’s when he mentioned ” oh, you getting hairy down there” Sick bastard. So, this is whyI never forgave my mother- cuz even I knew he was mental… They found the tokens in the summer clothes bin one day, and decided not to tell me and that was the whippen to replace all the other whippins I had coming…
    He later started beating on my mom. After that incident- he convinced my mom to get a deadbolt lock on the door to “keep the kids out rummaging thru his stuff” The deadbolt may have ended her life had my older brother not kicked it in. We heard him beating her thru the door in a drunken rage about not having any money. We got baseball bats, and butcher knives and all kinds of weapons to maim him with if he didn’t get off out damn Momma. he gave up and left and we started the routine of packing up his belongings to get rid of. My mother with a busted nose and 2 black eyes told us to leave his stuff alone. After a few weeks, he moved back in. I thought I was going to die. So, I started praying. God, if you are up there, please get this man out of our lives. This is how I knew he was the devil- because when we would read the bible and pray- he would act like someone was setting him afire! I can only explain it as- he was literally scared. Made us go outside and play. Put that bible down, go outside… I realized that prayer had power. He did eventually leave- but the damage was there for my mother and us. The next loser boyfriend got it real bad. In fact, he was a kind man- but we were a little older and determined to f— him up if he changed things. We rallied up our neighborhood friends to jump him, we did some awful things to him that I don’t even want to mention. Eventually he left too. He promised when he got his settlement that he was going to take care of her and all of us. What a real loser. That day never came, and she was left again. So, That was my mom. I moved out after having a baby at 17- because that’s what she promised she would do: “imma put your ass out if you ever get pregnant.” So, I wanted out so I got pregnant. She changed- but the damamge was done. I moved far north and tried to start a new life, telling people that I was adopted and I never knew who my parents were. When my daughter was 5, my mom was hospitalized with pnuemonia… she had the “virus” Yep. Aids. This was when it first came out and noone really knew if you could catch it from kissing. Well, she had it and so now she wanted to right her wrongs. I was mad. She treated us bad and had her loser boyfriend treat us bad, and now she wanted to see the baby and visit? I was attending church now and so trying to be a better Christian I started letting her keep my daughter on the weekends. One day, she let my baby bath in the tub after her, I almost lost it. Anyway, when she diied- I couldn’t bring myself to her deathbed in the hospital, and my family couldn’t understand why…

    • Winnie3, Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you know many of us here absolutely understand why you made the choice not to be there when your mother died. I hope you know that those of us who have felt this type of evil understand why you and your siblings did what you did. We understand why you chose to have a baby so young and to lie and claim you were an orphan. You did all of these things to protect yourself. I’m grateful that you are finding your voice and the courage to write your story. What you grew up with is, unfortunately, not rare and exceptional. These monsters exist in more homes than anyone wants to believe or open their eyes to see. It’s time to speak out. I hope you’re feeling okay after purging yourself this morning. :)

  79. Paula, I have another question to you, Do narcissists know that they’re narcissists? Do they know how they’re described in articles and studies?

    • Hopeful, Many have no idea that their behavior is abnormal. Most think they are super-aware and super-intuitive. Most think it’s the rest of us who are weak and somehow unevolved and less than intelligent. Most think non-sociopaths are winey and pitiful. Most like to come to blogs like this and insert themselves where they are not welcome. Most fail to understand that we don’t really care what they think of us and the only reason we require awareness of them is to make it easier to dismiss them and focus on ourselves. Most would read that statement and call me a narcissist. I would tell those sociopaths they can think what they choose to think about me. :)

    • Many thanks again, Paula! I appreciate your help :)

    • We are not stupid

    • I don’t think anyone would suggest youre stupid, Kevin. I think the word is “aware.” Are you aware of yourself and how your actioms harm others? Are you fooled by your own mask(s)?

  80. Hi, I found all this information and the positive comments very helpful. I have a question: what should/ can I do if the narcissistic person in my life is my sister-in-law. She is jelous of me and she is turning family members against me trying to allienate me and grabs every opporunity she can to point out what a bad person I am ( which I’m not). And also, of course, she always has to be the great, generous, loving, hero in the family. She’s constantly bad mouthing and back stabbing me. Very depressing to have to deal with someone like her so close to me.

    • Hopeful, When it’s a family member, the dynamics are difficult to navigate. But your best tool for self-protection is not to engage in the crazy-making and the lies and stories she spins and triangulates. She’s already planted an ugly, nasty seed of doubt in the minds of people you love. That, in and of itself is simply evil, vindictive and ugly. But you can’t undo what has been said about you and you can’t persuade those she’s lied to with your words. Doing that, pleading with your family is what she wants you to do. She wants you to plead and beg for them not to listen to her because doing that will make you look crazy and unstable, just as she wants you to look because it will help validate her lies. I realize it’s a difficult idea and concept, but you need to not engage the ugly.You know you aren’t those things. Be the graceful you that you aspire to be and that you desire to continue being. Tap into your dignity and turn it up. Be confident ; not arrogant. Most of all, be patient. The longer you don’t engage, the less she’ll bully and abuse you. She needs your outward reactions. Your anguish pleases her and brings her joy. She’s disgusting. She’s not worth your sincere pleas; she’ll just walk all over them and turn them into something ugly. :) <3

    • Thank you very much for answering, Paula! Very helpful of you :)

  81. I have a question for this community. So now that I’ve identified the narcissistic sociopath in my life (husband) and have even identified the relationship in my life that started this cycle of my choosing (mother), how do I identify myself in this scenario? What kind of person am I that has “lived” in this relationship for so long (30), what is my behaviors and how do I change them and discontinue making the same selection? How do I change this dependency to this kind of behavior that I have allowed to develop? I am taking full responsibility for the rest of my life.

    • I Cann,

      You’re three steps ahead of most: 1) you’ve identified that you were in an abusive relationship; 2) you identified the perpetrator for what he is; and 3) you recognize you are accountable and must look within to change and transform your conditioned/habitual dependent thinking.

      If you haven’t already done so, find a trusted counselor to help guide you through your self-discovery journey. This person, ideally, understands trauma as it relates to symptoms of women coming from domestic violence situations and who understands that “violence” means any type of control wielded over another in the form of physical, financial, emotional and/or spiritual abuse. You don’t want a counselor who will minimize your emotions because that will make your inner journey a journey of self-blame rather than self-discovery and acceptance. You blame yourself enough already, I suspect.

      While in counseling, start doing something, anything, you have always been interested in doing. Learn to cook, bake, sew or kayak. Learning a new skill ignites our cognitive thinking side of our brain and allows us to get out of the emotional side long enough to start appreciating ourselves again. Set mini goals for yourself. Understand your triggers and ask your counselor how you can work through them to minimize the negative effects of those triggers. Some may be harder to work through than others but understanding the source empowers us to control them rather than having them control us.

      Join a gym or dust off those workout DVDs you collected over the years. Or simply start walking. Anything to activate your endorphins, which will naturally make you feel good about yourself. Feeling your heart beating and reminding you that you are alive and that you matter. Physical activity isn’t just for losing weight and looking good on the outside. It provides invigorating benefits to our internal systems as well.

      Think about stuff you consume that makes you feel miserable about yourself. Salty foods, too much caffeine, alcohol, sodas…you get the idea. Pay attention to the things you put inside your body and how they make you feel. Try eliminating those things that make you feel crappy and increase the consumption of those things that make you feel good. Keep a food journal.

      Surround yourself with people who love you and believe in you and who won’t coddle you but who will call you out (in a gentle, caring and non-shaming way) and help you when you need help. You don’t want anyone’s pity but you deserve to be understood and for your feelings to be shared without judgment.

      Most of all, be patient, hopeful and positive. Allow yourself to have setbacks. They happen. Don’t be rigid in your recovery journey. You may think something will work for you, later to discover it just doesn’t have the same helpful benefits the same activity had for someone else.

      You’re not going to recognize yourself. It’s a frightening thing. Other people aren’t going to recognize you either. Some may even ask where the old you went, especially those who have unfairly leaned on you for support over the years while you ignored your own needs. Don’t feel guilty about that. Let them know you still care, empathize and have compassion for them but you are your first priority and your happiness is most important, because if you’re happy and satisfied with yourself and love yourself, there’s more love to share with others…real love, not the co-dependent care you felt obligated to give to everyone who reached out to you and left you drained and wondering when someone was going to help you.

      Well, the time has come and YOU are helping yourself. After all, you were always so good at helping others, right. You’re going to be a great personal coach for yourself.

      I hope some of this was helpful. :)

    • This was very helpful to me as well. I have 6 brothers and sisters and if you read above how I described each one of us is functioning dysfunctional. Including myself. I know a lot of it has to deal with our tumultuous childhood. Here’s the thing I know I would be worse off if I allowed a relationship with them. Any of them. After our mother passed, I’ve distanced myself very calculated, in driving distance- even avoiding family gatherings etc. I cannot be in the same room with them for long. I still feel very sick to my stomach and I can’t understand why. I have an idea- but I don’t know exactly. Since I’ve been on my own and told people I was never adopted out of the agency- this would further produce lies about them. I’ve told people that I had other siblings, but I didn’t know where they were. Or some of us were separated, some were adopted, etc. This is how I’ve managed to cover up the awful truth about what was happening to us forreal. I still have bruises on my arm since that’s where I was getting hit the most trying to cover up my nakedness. I have told people that I was attacked by dogs, jumped by a gang, held by gunpoint, I have told so many lies about these scars that I don’t know why I even lie about it anymore. When, I finally told someone the truth about it- they did the worst thing. Asked me what did I do? What did I do? Like I had some way to stop a demented freak azoid from beating me naked when he saw fit. I’ve learned to continue lying about those scars. Once I was ready to get them covered up in a tattoo- but I actually hate tattooes and it would literaly have to be an entire sleeve, I couldn’t do it. In summer, I use make up when I wear a sleeveless dress- but you can see I have on make-up. I don’t know why I still try to protect this person. I know his full name and have thought about what I could do to end him. My sister told me that she ran into him a few years back and that he knew what my mother died from. Was that an admission? Did he give her that dreadful disease? Even though my mom is passed, I still think that before the boyfriends there was something wrong with her. The boyfriends just brought more of it into reality. How could she have done something like that to her own 7 children? We loved her- even though she didn’t show us that love… I still think that she could have just thrown herself into a love fest with all of us, and been nicer to us- that God would have allowed a great man into her life and help her raise us. I really believed that. Its happened for other women. I felt like she got what she deserved in the end- I didn’t see one of those loser boyfriends at her funeral. The only people who were around her were her 7 children. Why? Like I said. We are all in my opinion a little messed up. Iyanla has helped a lot, as well as Oprah, and Dr. Phil, and more recently- you Paula. I am thankful, that you all are my therapist. Most imporantly, God. I still need answers though. I feel that I can never bring myself around my entire family and discuss on any detail what has happened. How are we all managing our families and working- I do not know…I have noticed that while I maintain a relationship with the “slaves” of my siblings- I do not have any contact with the siblings who were the “overseerers”. My mother divided us. Why do you think sociopathic parents do that amongst the children? Has anyone ever shared a similiar trait like this? I can’t bring myself to speaking with them, and I am not the least bit concerned with them. Although, we all lived in that same hell house and were subject to somewhat of the same abuse, I still can’t believe how easily they went along with it. I mean, I know they were kids, but noone said No, I’m not going to be like you. No one. I’ve learned that one sister said that she would have gotten beat if she didn’t hit us with the belt- but she did it like she meant it. So, I’m not too sure. Here’s the thing. I don’t fully trust myself with my kids. I mean- I would meet death if someone was trying to harm them- but sometimes, I tell my husband that I never even want to punish them because of what’s happened to me. I never want to slide out of control. I mean, I send them to their room when they get naughty, but sometimes I think a spanking is in order. I’ve explained to them that the grandma they don’t know or has never met was really mean and she did some things that I can’t explain. When I find myself upset or angry, I begin a rant- like what she used to do. I recognize it and stop myself. I’ve asked my husband to be the disclipinarian and he never has to spank- just raise his voice and they are in tears. I know that this is a horror and I feel the older they get they may use the fact that I don’t spank them. I always tell them that I think there’s a monster inside. (of me) I know if I spank them I am only repaeating the cycle, which is why I want to know if I am too a bit of a sociopath? I think I must be somewhat. I have told lies about my childhood- to the point that there are some people in my life who do not know the truth. I keep a low profile, but I try to put myself up higher than I am. I don’t know why…. I am quite the actress I’ve been told, and when people video record me- I don’t even recognise who it is. I mean, its me! But its not the real me. Its not authentic. Different people describe me different ways. But actually its always a nice person. good friend, dependable, trustworthy, etc. I mean I don’t have a whoe lot of friends, and the few I do have do not know the real, real me. Why am I putting on ? I am never trying to be social at events. I turn down most peoples request to get to know me, but deep down, I am truly lonely and want to make friends. I don’t know why I do this. I think I’m a bit sociopathic in a way. I cry at commercials though, so I don’t know. I’ve put a cat in the oven when I was litte- but that’s only because I thought he would get dry faster. Plus, I read it in a book. ANyway, I nursed him back to health. I don’t like to see people hurt- but if you get hurt infront of me- inside I’m laughing. What is wrong with me? When I was little I made a kid eat sand at the beach- because he wandered over by me and his stupid momma was no where to be found. I remember thinking, I should do something bad to him and then his momma would be watching him. So, I told him to eat it and he did. Am I crazy? Why would I do such a thing? I’ve had conversations with myself and something weird like this was going on inside my head: No one cared about me, so why should I care about them? I could just treat them bad since it happened to me. Then, I shut that off and pray because I don’t want my kids to hate me, like I hated my mom. I used to say I hope she dies. And even though I knew we all were going to die one day, I didn’t want that when she was dying. This is what makes me think that I have it too? I care about the people in the world. I care about bums on the street. I cried for days when 911 happened. I knew noone personally from that. I love my husband- but he’s not my everything. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Sometimes, I think that my mom and her experience messed me up,and then I think but I don’t have to continue letting her experience mess me up. But the thing is- it still is. I cannot be in the same room with my siblings for a long period of time and when rarely it does happen- we are all the same “fake, grandiose, and putting on” No one really knows the truth about anyone else. Its all for an appearance. Then, we move on. When I see families getting together, all happy and enjoying each other I say ” Why can’t that be us, my siblings me? I know it can’t be done. I have anxiety around family events and make excuses about work,or kids, or a prior engagement not to show up. I don’t see the point. We came from a dysfunctional hell that noone should have been subjected to. These narcissistic creeps invaded our lives and damned near ruined us. In turn, later we have attracted that abuse into our friendships, work relationships, marriages, etc. We’ve subjected that unconciously onto our own children. I think I’ve done the opposite though. When I felt that sociopathic feeling come upon me- I would ask God to remove this from me. I made a choice. In turn, I acted the opposite way which is overly nice, and sweet and well- fake. That wasn’t my true feeling at the time. But since I’ve never wanted to “slip” I did that. I feel proud of myself for not acting on some of the impulses I’ve learned that if I wanted to I could carry out. But what do I do with all of that? My kids were talking to their teacher about me the other day, and I was surprised to learn how they really felt about me. They described someone that I don’t even know. They said that I bake with them and take them outside and make treats for them and listen to them and all the things I’ve wished someone would have done to me as a child. I do my daughters hair and buy her hygiene products, I get her little chapter books that I know she likes to read. I do the same for my son. I speak kindly to them and even if I ask them a few times about something- I would have gotten beat for even without asking, all these HORRORS replay in my mind. SO, I do the opposite. My mom never baked chocolate chip cookies with me. So I do it. I never gardened with her, so I do it with my kids. We clean the house together. I don’t just yell out chores and what knot. I feel like a well-trained person can see thru me though and that is why I never really get too close to anyone. I feel bad that my life is like this. I saw the movie PRECIOUS and I thought I had absolutely nothing to complain about. That is someone’s realy life. The director could change the story plot all he wanted- someone really live thru that. And what is even more sickening. Someone is going to repeat that, even worse. So, again, I am very grateful to have found this site and this is such an outlet and I fell so much better after all this cleansing. Thank you.

    • Winnie3, For the simple fact you recognize and fear what you might do to your children or others who may get close to you, you are not sociopathic. Sociopaths are anti-social. That means they do things that hurt people…intentionally…because they have no conscience, no empathy and no remorse. When we step away from social situations and shy away from making friends, we’re acting a-social. In your case, you don’t trust yourself and you don’t like yourself. You’ve been lying so much to yourself and others that you are confused, hurt and angry. And you don’t wish to subject all of your confusion and pain onto others. You definitely recognize how you don’t want to be…you don’t want to be like your mother so you overcompensate with your children. Have you talked to any trauma counselor a who are familiar with the effects of childhood abuse? Your siblings were undoubtedly as scared as you were, even the ones who were forced to beat you and whip you. Those siblings became numb in order to protect themselves from similar beatings. They were probably coached and ordered to like what they did to you. If they didn’t seem like they enjoyed it, they were subjected to beatings, too. The blame and fault lies entirely upon the adults who used their power in cruel and unusual ways. Your household was a dictatorship. Everyone had a role, as you described. If any of you behaved outside of that role, you were punished. Even if you did everything right, you were punished. I haven’t read the other message you sent, but I did receive it. You’re very brave and I want you to know that there is hope. You are spiritual; you believe in God. I think God would like you to start believing in yourself and learn to love and trust yourself. It’s never too late. :)

    • Thank you Paula for your response. It is a new journey and it is somewhat fearful. I allowed myself to get painted in a corner over the years. So, I had no job and no income, nothing really to attach my own self-worth to. I think the greatest thing that happened was my kids grew up and moved on and I was left with what came to be nothing, or rather, less than nothing, because it was so negative. So, I am rebuilding my life, got a job, but still not yet able to be self-supportive. So, that is my present struggle, to grow to the point where I can stand on my own financially, while I remain
      in the same environment, and to remain detached from the same negative/ dependent/ controlling/manipulative environment that I’ve known as love for 50 some years of my life. Some days I’m not certain what to do. I am looking for a counselor/therapist. I am in recovery.

    • I am 54 years old male with no emotions what we don’t change we don’t love ask any question you like

  82. Where do I start when I don’t know where to start? I am 27 year old mother of a 3 year old. I am married to a narcissistic sociopath.

    I am also suffering from PTSD, panic disorder/agoraphobia and depersonalization related to childhood abuse. I am also trying to heal from sexual abuse that happened as a child. I am having trouble in every aspect of my life. I am trying to get help with other issues in my life on top of dealing with the mental torment from my husband. It’s unbearable some days; and he always manages to push me into a psychotic episode. I can’t deal with this any more. I don’t know what to do.

    He is so mean to me. How can he be so heartless? He tells me to “get over my mental issues” and that, “we all have problems” He told me “You like being this way”, and that” you are the reason for all my problems.” He told me he rather french kiss a shotgun then deal with me. He tells me I’m a cunt and calls me “crazy crazy crazy” every time I am trying to get him to be a bit supportive. Which I need right now. I guess I am crazy to think my HUSBAND should be there for me, and help me during this hard time in my life.

    I also know that my husband smokes pot, has been spending money we don’t have, and going to night clubs. I also have found profiles on the computer on sites such as Ashley Madison and numerous Sex sights/porn sights talking about meeting up with girls. He told me its just a fantasy and feels its justified to do what he does because I can’t have sex with him related to sexual trauma

    I don’t work because of my mental disability and therefore I don’t have money to leave my husband. He has the car and is never home. I don’t have any friends and I am in complete isolation. I am terrified of people and want help but don’t know how to get to people to help me. Is there any resources or tips or suggestions or anything that anyone can give me to help me become independent and free myself from this hell and actually seek help for my personal problems. I have no friends or family to help me. I feel all alone.

    I have never felt more alone in my life. Its one thing to not have anything and be alone and its another to be with someone and feel even more alone.

    I’m not able to think straight or make decisions. I’m so distraught that right now I’m trying to focus all my energy into being well. I need to escape this please help me.

    • Have you told your doctors? Do your doctors know, not just about your diagnoses, but that your current living situation is hindering any healthy progress? I recommend beginning with your doctors and ask them for referrals to free or low-cost resources. What state are you in? You’ve already made the crucial first step in reaching out on this blog. That’s generally the hardest part. And your loneliness is normal in a situation like yours. Don’t be ashamed of anything you’re feeling. And remaining hopeful and focused on being well is crucial. You seem to realize that despite your desperation.

    • Dear DandelionsinSpring,
      You are NOT alone…we are here to support you. Gather all the strength you can to try everything to break free. I know where you are coming from (unfortunately, I can relate to everything you wrote!). You know that you can feel better when you get free of these chains that he “keeps you in”. Is there a Women’s center that you can reach out to for resources? We “survivors” believe in you… We’re reaching out our hands to you. Pray for God’s help right now!

    • Dandelion-

      I hear your pain. I’ve been there. As have many folks who read this blog. I say this not to minimize you, but to let you know that there is a light at the end of your tunnel, and people here who can give you advise and care.

      Two things come to mind…..1. You’ve indicated that you’ve had a diagnosis for your mental health issues, therefore, I believe you had or have a therapist. If you don’t and can’t afford one, many metropolitan hospitals provide mental health clinics at which the cost is free or low, based on income. Call and see what your local hospital can tell you.

      2. Even though you feel alone, you would be welcomed at any church, synagogue or religious institution. No matter what your religion is, get yourself to a congregation and speak to the minister, priest, rabbi, or whomever is available. Don’t wait for a Sunday service. Go and speak to someone today.

      About your errant husband….. he is mean. He won’t change. Stop listening to him. Don’t be rude, just emotionally detach. Don’t look for consolation or validation from him. He has no way to give it to you. He does not understand, and won’t. That is his failing, not yours.

      You need to focus on doing things that make you happy. You have a little boy to raise. Spend time in the park and playing with your child. Make happy moments together. Take him to museums, to a funny movie, or outside to make a snowman.

      Make sure you get exercise every day, even if it’s just going for a brisk walk. You need to pump up your endorphins so you feel good about yourself.

      And give us a progress report real soon!

      All the best!

    • Please know PTSD etc gets better. The idiot is making it far worse. Reinforcing all that self loathing..blaming you. These idiots know who is most vulnerable. Break the cycle for your daughter’s sake. You can be whole and heal yourself and her. It will take time and strength but you have so much already! You will discover it little. I believed my idiot….that I was sick and mentally incompetent…ugly…unwanted..
      broken. (I have a high IQ , I am healthy and attractive and many) they tell you most what they truly believe about themselves. You have triumphed thru a lot.already… having PTSD doesn’t mean the abusers won. It means your mind, which is an organ has some repairing to do and also you are highly sensitive. You are whole, beautiful, clean and good just as you are. And your daughter sees love when she sees you. Love yourself and you show her she is worth loving. Have faith. Love

    • Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments, Anon. Too many believe PTS/PTSD is an absolute that they must live with and suffer with forever. Not true! Thank you for the reminder. Our brains and minds are amazing, resilient and full of surprises…we just need to have faith and believe in our abilities to overcome. Patience is key.

  83. Swim,

    Your antagonizing debate with Paula simply reinforces all we know about NPD. The reason you don’t see yourself as harmful is that, consistent with your disorder, you are unemotional. If you could recognize and value the emotions of others, you would be able to more clearly see the harm your behavior creates. Instead, you are blind to it. You don’t recognize it, therefore, you think it doesn’t exist.

    Simply put, you can’t be a narcissist and not be harmful because narcissism by its very nature is harmful. If you are not harmful, you are not a narcissist. Narcissism is not simply being selfish and thinking first of your personal agenda, it is harming others to achieve self-aggrandizement.

    My sense of you, however, is that indeed you are as you say. And you are clearly demonstrating the detached, unemotional baiting that is typical of people with your disorder.

    Many Narcissists get off on “blaming” debate just as you have done . You faulted Paula, and when she responded you took her response out of context to exploit. Narcissists try to blur the pattern of “cause and effect” in order to portray themselves as victims. Thanks for giving us such a great example.

    And because you are a self-avowed narcissist, regardless of your come-back to me, which would only display your continuance of unemotional “cerebral” baiting, I will not take your bait. I simply will not respond.I offer this comment to help you better understand yourself because you seem to be looking for answers. I will not engage with your narcissistic shenanigans.

  84. What? Me? I make no such claims.

    • Okay, creeper. Go find another blog to slither through. Have a great day! :)

    • Creeper? Slither? Rather aggressive don’t you think?

    • Yes, it is. So what’s your point? :)

    • I just wondered why you would choose to attack me for what seems like no reason

    • Oh, there’s a reason. But I don’t need to explain myself. Have a great day! Ciao! Adios! :)

    • Well, since you don’t know me and this is the first time we’ve ever spoken I fail to see how you can have a reason. You can run off without explanation if you like, but you’ll just look petty

    • Haha! I’m not going anywhere, SWIM. But you are and that’s off my blog. I don’t engage with sociopaths…on any level. Go find someone else to sucker.

    • Your blog is public and I’m clearly not trying to sucker anyone. You seem to have a deep predjudice against people who are not like you. Like I said, we’re not all bad

    • I absolutely have a prejudice against sociopaths. And your point? Again, what is your point? Never mind. Don’t answer that.

    • You do realize all you’re doing is proving EVERYTHING we already know about sociopaths to be true, right? Trying to shame me for being rude to you and not appreciating you? Sorry, sweetie, but those games don’t get far on this blog. I have one caveat…if you’re a sociopath, I don’t like you. If that makes me petty in your eyes, so be it. I’m petty and I like it. Haha! :)

    • You’ve obviously had a bad experience but that’s not my fault. I’m not trying to shame you, I’m only pointing out that your point of view is particularly closed minded

    • Haha! That’s exactly what my ex tried to shame me and blame me into thinking. There IS a sociopath textbook isn’t there? Damn. :)

    • Listen, you seem like a reasonable person, surely you can see that we’re not all the same and that your judging me without having even met me. Maybe we should go for a drink and talk it over?

    • I don’t drink. I am reasonable (thanks for your astute observation), but I certainly don’t need to go down that rabbit hole again with someone trying to prove he/she is different only to be proven my gut was right all along. Besides, I don’t have the money or the time to fly to the UK. :)

    • I’m teasing you Paula…

    • No. You’re lying. There is a difference. I’m the one teasing you. :)

    • Haha! You have some narcissistic traits of your own there sweetheart

    • Of course, we should all be so fortunate to have enough self-love, self-assurance and self-awareness, which translates into healthy narcissistic qualities. If we didn’t, people like you, SWIM, would just pull us down into their pit of self-hate and self-disrespect. (Yes, I made up that word. Pretty awesome how I can do that. Must be my shameless narcissism showing.) We should all be confident in ourselves enough to draw boundaries with those who have none, like yourself. :)

    • Just because my boundaries are different to yours is no reason for predjudice Paula, I’m certainly not in a “pit of self…” blah blah blah… You’re a very negative person and that’s kind of sad. I’m proud of who and what I am, I’m better than most people, less restricted and more intelligent. I am free in all the ways that you are not.

    • Whatever you need to tell yourself, SWIM. Good luck to you. :)

    • It’s not what I need Paula, it’s what you need to understand. We are limitless, able to manipulate and read people on levels you can’t even understand. Does that make us inherently bad? Of course not. Should we feel guilty? No. The fact is: 90% of people are stupid and if someone takes advantage of them it’s just the way of the world, the strong will prey on the weak. Which one are you?

    • Dear, SWIM. According to you, you have all of the observation abilities of an omniscient being. Why don’t you help me define myself for you? Because, in the end, what you think of me is all that matters to you. What I think of myself is of no consequence. You came to this blog with an assumption about me that, regardless of what I say or how I react to you, will not change. That is the definition of close-mindedness. Your logic is cyclical. It goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing. And based on your behavior and reaction to me, I drew the conclusion that you, dear SWIM, are a sociopath. That’s not close-minded of me or prejudicial. That’s called observation. And me telling you what I have concluded is not me being mean. It’s me being honest. You know what being honest is, right? It’s when you tell people what you really think of them. You have lots of practice doing that, I’m sure. You do it every time someone doesn’t buy your flavor of BS. So you resort to devaluing and self-righteous dialog. I’m rather unaffected by it. I’m simply humoring you. There really isn’t much you could pull from your predictable hat of tricks that I would be surprised or hurt by. Doesn’t it just piss you off knowing that what you think of me really doesn’t matter to me? And I’m sitting on the other side of my computer yawning at your attempts to rattle me? Make me feel inferior and stupid and less than you? In the world of sociopaths, I’d agree that I am less than you. I don’t even register on the sociopath scale. I have a conscience, an ability to empathize and the capacity to feel remorse. Does that make me weak? To you it does, and that’s okay with me. So I understand you and you understand me. There really is not point in further engagement, is there? There is nothing more about you I desire to know and there is nothing about me you desire to know either. Unless you have some freshly baked cookies or something to offer me, I think we’re done.

    • Well I’d have to agree that this is getting boring. However, you don’t know the first thing about me or any other sociopath, all you have is pop psychology and self pity. Whatever happened to you, get over it and move on. Don’t blame sociopaths for your own short comings and maybe take a look at your own issues, you clearly have some anger and self esteem issues (or you probably wouldn’t have fallen fowl of a sociopath in the first place)

    • Oh, SWIM. You’re so predictable. Thank you for voluntarily being my guinea pig. I appreciate it very much. You’ll never know how invaluable your comments have been to me and others who are reading along. :)

    • Happy to help Paula, let me know when you want to go for that drink.

    • Night sweetheart xx

  85. I would like to point out at this stage that not all sociopaths are bad or abusive. It seems the only time the subject is mentioned is when the sociopath in question has done something terrible. Nobody remembers lord Byron or Richard Feynman or any of the other great historical sociopaths…

    • You need a lesson in abuse. It’s not about physically beating or raping someone. It’s about controlling and demoralizing the ones you claim to live and care for.

  86. I am in the beginning stages of leaving my sociopath. Does anyone know how I could get him diagnosed as anti social? He has been to a psychiatrist once for a manic episode, and he has an upcoming appointment in a week. Can I call and “suggest” that he be tested for it? I’m not sure if he put me down on his paperwork, but I am his wife, for now. I’m just really scared of what I know I’m going to be dealing with once I do leave him. I have multiple sclerosis, and he steals my pills without remorse, lies about everything, and honestly has no integrity as a person. Any advice? Thank you

    • I know of no legal way to have him tested specifically for anti-social disorder without his knowledge. Has his psychiatrist performed any basic evals? Diagnosed him with anything prior to now? Does his current doctor have any background in diagnosing anti-social disorders?

    • I think your best protection is to not let on that you think he is pathological. Otherwise, he may turn the tables and play the victim and accuse you of abuse.

    • Have you found someone to talk to, a counselor or friend who gets it, about how he has impacted you? Getting a diagnosis for him that will have any kind of influence on your divorce and the court’s decision is a crap shoot and could cost a lot of money. Regardless, if he is anti-social, being diagnosed isn’t going to make him suddenly remorseful for how he treated you or change how he treats you moving forward. Being diagnosed means nothing to them. They just ignore it and make excuses and continue to blame and shame everyone around them. If diagnosed, it will be your fault he’s sick.

    • While even as his wife, you can’t get access to his records unless he gives his permission, you can request psychiatric evaluation (of both parties) if child custody is involved. A court appointed psychiatrist will make their evaluation and report it to the court.

      Unfortunately, these folks are very good at fooling everyone, including a psychiatrist, and you may not have a great deal of influence on the court regarding the person selected for the role.Therefore, you have no real assurance that they will be familiar with the personality he presents. The one thing you could do, however, is make them aware that the episode took place so that as one professional to another, the court appointed specialist could discuss the information with his present psychiatrist.

      If you don’t have children, there is very little reason for a court to concern themselves with the emotional stability of the parties. If there is eminent danger, they would resolve the matter with restraining or protective orders. For that there would need to be evidence of a dangerous condition.

      In the scheme of Cluster B profiles, having an episode as you described would be more likely to indicate a Borderline profile as opposed to a sociopath/psychopath. But proving a disorder will likely not affect the outcome of your divorce. In the end, divorces without children pivot around distribution of assets and support as the court sees fit, or your lawyer can best negotiate. Proving his assets would be more worthwhile in the scheme of things than proving his condition.

    • Good points, Joyce. Thank you!

    • I am the writer of the anonymous comment/question above. Well, I finally ended it with him. I do have 2 little girls with my sociopath. Thank you so much for the advice. Something serious happened that made me move things along with leaving him faster than expected. I do have 2 little girls with him. I also found out many, many more lies (mostly dealing with him slowly stealing my money) after it all went down. I guess I just really didn’t have a clue as how bad this person that I married and allowed to adopt my eldest daughter really was. By a fluke, I found out just how much money he was actually taking from me, and I also found a playboy magazine in my daughters’ bedroom toy closet- with my eldest daughter. I made him move out right then and there. I also found out he hasn’t paid a bill in 4 months, so I now know what a capable liar he is. It’s just all so sickening to me, and I’m just shocked that things are way more worse than I already thought they were. I do have a great support system, my mom is helping me out tremendously. I’m doing ok emotionally, except I just honestly can’t totally wrap my mind around just how I didn’t have a clue as to the extents that this person would go. It’s sickening. I really thought he was just mean, but now I feel like he must be literally psychotic. It’s just such a total mindf**** (sorry for lack of a better word.) I live in Florida. What can I do to protect myself and my girls? I’ve been staying at my mother’s for fear or the unknown, because I obviously have no idea what he is capable of. I don’t think he would be violent, but then again, I didn’t think a lot of things about him that we’re wrong. He hasn’t threatened me or anything and has moved out, but something just doesn’t sit well with me. FYI- he has cancelled his psych appt so no help there. Any ideas how to just make him leave us alone? I just feel like the worst war of my life is brewing, and I Absolutely refuse to let him take any more than he already has. Thank you :)

    • Anonymous, It is going to be tough for him to just leave you alone considering he has children with you. Not knowing how old your children are, I would recommend limiting all contact with him and only discussing the needs of your children related to their relationship with him. You don’t want to alienate him from his children because that will backfire in the courts. I highly recommend getting in touch with a lawyer and drawing up a custody and visitation proposal. Are you familiar with the site One Mom’s Battle? They have a network of resources. Florida is a state in which you do not want to take chances when it comes to custody.

  87. Paula-

    You did a great job with your description. Bravo!

    An organization on whose board I sit is having a terrible time with a Narcissist. Your description is exactly what they need in order to understand what they’re dealing with.

    Thanks a million!

  88. […] show up. When they do, our relationships don’t end so happily ever after- now you know why? Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath by Paula is an eye-opener, maybe it will resonate with you too. Here is a quote from her […]

  89. I am seeing these descriptions in both of my husbands who I divorced and in a current “friend.” It makes me wonder why I become involved with such people. What is wrong with me? I know I have co-dependent personality traits, but is that all?

    • Jane, It has little to do with being co-dependent and everything to do with how much you value yourself worth and believe that you are better than the abuse they inflicted upon you…physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or otherwise. Most who enter intimate relationships with pathological people are NOT co-dependent by nature; we become that way, on the surface, due to the cognitive dissonance and confusion caused by the twisted logic and faux concern sociopaths and narcissists are masters at projecting.

  90. Every single signal is dead on… I have (thankfully only) 4 years experience with this but those 4 years were absolute hell, with the exception of the first 6 months. Please be aware that more often than not, sociopaths have been diagnosed with add or ADHD. This “diagnosis” is usually given when they’re children and they may even be treated for it medicinally. I’m not, by any means, saying that a person with ADD or ADHD is a sociopath, but that a sociopath’s behavior is often misconstrued as many of the signs carry a similarity. Most people will readily admit they have ADD or ADHD. Good start… now you know to keep an eye for the signs that differentiate sociopaths from people with actual ADD or ADHD. It is extremely difficult to tell because when you believe that someone has ADD you tend to accept a lot of their behavior, it makes sense to that disorder and you feel like you understand it so it is easy to look past. You think, “he (she) loves me, I know they didn’t mean it. It’s because of the ADD.” A sociopath lacks the capacity to love or feel a number of different emotions, so they do not care about you, they can’t. I wish for every good hearted person to be made aware of this. It could save them from the horror and damage I (and many others) have lived. “Mass destruction” doesn’t begin to describe what they are capable of. That is no exaggeration sadly. My life is still in shambles because of damage and harm my sociopath caused. The pain inflicted compares to nothing because you can never fully understand how a person you treated so well, and cared for so much, could ever do what they’ve done. You desperately seek reason, even blame yourself, because you ARE capable of empathy. The abuse comes in many forms. Both big and small. They’ll hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally, verbally, financially… anything they can take from you, they will, any way they can. The road to recovery from this is one I continue to travel after nearly 2 years away from him. I wouldn’t wish what he’s put me through on my worst enemy (if I had one). Not even him. I’m thankful I’m alive, and I’m thankful I’m not like him.

    • I realize that I failed to mention that things like inability to focus, finish things, remember important dates or events, etc… are initial signs and can easily point to a person’s ADD. Sociopaths don’t care so they also have these inabilities. I did not mean to imply that the ADD affected are also abusive by saying the two have similarities. I just truly believe I wouldn’t have ignored initial signs so easily and gotten in so deep if I hadn’t looked over them thinking it was due to his ADD. It wasnt until after a therapist pointed it out that i finally realized i had done that. Initially, it was minor things that either pointed to his ADD, or i believed they were my fault. Sociopaths are professional manipulators. It is how they make their way in this world.

    • H,
      Yes. Sociopaths/narcissists will apply legitimate diagnosis to their behavior in order to make excuses and not be accountable. Another common diagnosis they give themselves is Asperger’s. It’s despicable the lengths they will go just to deny their abuse. And if we don’t believe their self-diagnosis, they’ll diagnose us to shame and place the blame on us. Their favorites: borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder.

  91. I know this so well, Paula. I read the Sociopath next door, and I actually took a quiz from a book on this disorder and applied it to so-called romantic hero Christian Grey. That women think this guy is someone to aspire to chills me. It’s why I wrote so many recaps of it – there is humor – partly at just how awful the book is, but there is also outrage. Bullying and control is not love. Good post.

    • Yes!!! I couldn’t read past the reviews of those books. How can intelligent women not see this character for the danger he represents?

    • I have no idea. I think in each recap I asked “Why, women, whyyyy?” Really, some of that stuff in there was so chilling. It was like the writer purposely put it in there, but then, I don’t think she’s smart enough or a good enough writer to have purposely done it. It’s truly bizarre.

  92. Dealing with a sibling who is narcissistic & sociopathic for the past 50+years . My siblings and I came to this diagnosis of her nearly 30yrs ago. We’ve kept our distance as we listened to all her delusions of grandeur, watched at a distance her ego maniacal behavior and her cold un empathetic behavior towards others (all the while calling herself a “Christian”) Years ago got a family member to loan her $35,00.00 in order to “save her house from foreclosure” all the while knowing she had no intention of keeping that house Then she never repaid it. She’s purposely ran up credit cards and bought property then files bankruptcy(at least two times) then skips town after her business fell apart It’s getting really bad after she tried to get our parents to sign documents giving her Power of Atty ( their estate could be over a million dollars) then said Horrible things about our dying mother used our mothers illness to try to get people to buy products she was selling. And most recently has been slowly stealing items from our fathers house that she wants,some of it sentimental some of it valuable. Of course this is only the tip of the iceberg

    • Wow. That’s low. These people really have no shame. They rob everyone and anyone willing to get in arm’s reach of them!

  93. Debbie Rowe Edelman Jackson. I fear for Paris now that I understand her pathology. She put Michael Jackson through HELL for years and even had the audacity to call him a sociopath in her depositions in 2004.

    In those same depositions she called Prince and Paris and ‘Blanket’ by association his Achilles tendon and how she was gonna take them away from him because according to her Michael only saw them as possessions to be bartered with anyway!

    She even helped The Santa Barbara Persecution with taping private conversations with several of Michael’s associates, like Marc Schaffel trying to get dirt on them to use in court! Ironic how Schaffel is her defender now when she tried to put him behind bars along with Michael

    Talk about projecting her own feelings onto Michael. This was the same woman who, completely unprompted, just two years prior had DIVORCED herself from Prince and Paris by going to court to have her parental rights terminated after divorcing Michael the year before not three years into their marriage!

    But $8,000,000 , a house in Beverly hills and $750,000 as yearly alimony later, she decides to break a confidentiality agreement to go on tv and crying cocodile tears to help insinuate Michael was guilty of the bullshit allegations made by the Arviso’s. Like how Michael and his team were planning to kidnapping the entire Arviso-Klan to South America via hot-air balloons etc. O_o

    This is the same woman who insinuated herself into Michael’s marriage with Lisa Marie Presley and managed to get herself pregnant by him by nagging, him her own word choice, into letting her become his own personal in-house surrogate. She took advantage of a normal marital situation where spouses disagreed on when to have a baby and used Michael’s desire to become a father against him for her own personal gains.

    This is the same woman who was part of Michael’s medical team since 1982 and was supposed to help take care of his skin conditions. Who ever heard of a doctor’s asssitant, she was never a nurse, offering an active patient she has a duty to care for and do no harm to, the explicit use of her uterus while he has a fertile WIFE at home!

    Debbie Rowe would later accuse Michael of abducting his own children and claim she was worried that he would let them be mistreated by the muslims in Bahrian and in his security because of them being Jewish by way of her own Jewish status. Glibly insinuating that they weren’t Michael’s children biologically in the process.

    Debbie Rowe was only ever Jewish by marriage, not herritage, after converting from her catholic upbringing to marry Richard Edelman and never bearing him children despite being married to him for 6 years and allegedly persuing him romantically since she was 15 years old and he was the 26 year old Science Master at Hollywood High School.

    It’s amazing the things Debbie Rowe has gotten away with simply because Michael was too much of a gentleman to expose her himself and out of concern for his children being put through the kind of custody battle that could very well land them in the care of a woman COMPLETELY unfit to care for anyone but herself, let alone little innocent children who had no relationship with her at all!

    Her behaviour on Twitter is what finally opened my eyes to her pathology. The way she interacts with her sycophant stans, rewriting HIStory and wages battle with anyone who dares question her behaviour or makes her seem less than the legend she is in her own mind.

    She was Delegating the Murder of Conrad Murray to the MJ fan community all because he said he found her too unattractive to pork on 60 Mintues Australia! Yes Debbie, thank you for giving us permission to shot Michael’s killer because he doesn’t want to sleep with you!

    In mid August 2013, Debbie tweeted Lisa Marie Presley and her daughter Riley: “beautiful family”, so obviously fishing for a compliment, that it made the hairs on the back of my neck literally stand up!

    She’s quite the lil actress. The woman is dangerous , no wonder Michael refused to see or speak with her for a DECADE even though he let the nanny visit with her when she won visitation rights. He actually stayed behind in Bahrain with Blanket rather than face being in the same country with her!

    And the things I have found out about Debbie Rowe through reading court transcripts, reviewing legal documents and watching her contradict herself in video footage and interviews all the way through to today I comfortably call her a narcissist now and easily a sociopath. She ticks almost every single box in the requirements that it’s scary!

    Lord help Prince, Paris and ‘Blanket’ because as long as Debbie is in their midst, they’re gonna need all the prayers they can get.

    • Interesting. It’s always difficult to gauge the pathology of “public figures.” She has always left a bad taste in my mouth. She either has a pity story and seeks sympathy or she has an ugly story to share about someone who she wants to blame for everything. I put this list together early in my research because it’s based on the research of others. I could definitely add to it today. I’d specifically add how the sociopath makes others feel in their presence. The sociopath always presents themselves in one of three roles: the victim, the persecutor or the savior. She’s clearly trying to take on the role of her children’s savior now. Why? For self-gain. I think we all hope and pray for those children and their nature won’t be exploited further.

  94. […] Then the process after I left was painful. I felt so much guilt, I even questioned if I made the right decision. Then I go online and see all types of accusations of bad integrity and hints at being a Judas. And I was like, yep I made the right decision. I am sitting around crying and their lives are going on. The over 2 years of blood, sweat, MONEY, and tears you put in that ministry means nothing when you are gone. If you are not with them, you’re against them. That hurt even more because even though I left, i still cared about the church I had not only attended but was the backbone of for over 2 years. Its just like being in a relationship, even though you leave the person, doesn’t mean you are instantly over them. And when I left I thought my phone would be ringing off the hook with concerns, nope. Just got shunned. But, i was also made to look like the bad guy. And that’s fine with me because if you don’t have a mind of your own to come to a person and ask them, then you don’t deserve an explanation. So, I am going to bring this post to an end and I hope that you guys share and comment. Also, look up info on narcissism and socio paths. Because even if you have these types of people in your life, you need to know how to handle them. As a matter of fact here are some links to articles about narcissistic sociopaths  PLEASE READ: […]

  95. Thank you Paula for your reply, I am pushing for mediation or it will be court proceedings, as there is no legal document in place to say my son lives with him. But for some reason he thinks he ha more parental rights than me the mother, my son has only just turned 3, his father is going to use all the dirty tactics he can against me. Can I just add he said I would never do anything with my life but while I was with him I studied gained a degree, have now passed my PTTLS been teaching part time at my local college, and I volunteer at a centre for adults with addictions, which also run the freedom programme for women who have been victims of domestic violence, and have helped to run it as a facilitator, it’s about recognizing the signs of an abuser, it has helped me through my healing, still gonna take a while, especially to trust another man I’m so frightened to get into a relationship, so I have moved on and my life has never been better and he can’t stand that, he knows he has no control who I see, what I wear or do, how much money I have just my son, I gave him a contact proposal of what I wanted and he said no, he would not sit down as adults he is so unreasonable, I had to change my number and he can only contact via email and even then he is nasty in his comments, the trouble is he wants it all on his terms he is so narcissistic he told me he son loves him more than me, my son loves being with me and his siblings, and sometimes cries when he has to leave and is difficult for his father, he then accuses me me of saying things about him and his family and messing with my sons head, which I would never do, there is no reasoning with this man at all. thanks for reading :-)

    • Don’t you just love how these fools can even try turning love into a competition? It simply speaks to their insecurities and their delusions of who they are and how the world really sees them.

      So do you teach others how to work with trauma patients or do you work with DV victims or both?

      They enjoy trying to degrade and erode our accomplishments simply because they are extremely threatened by our independence and our abilities, ironically, the very things they were attracted to and coveted about us in the first place. But they were delusional in thinking that by telling us they loved us, we would just hand over all of our power so they could have it. That’s what they think love is: sacrificing ourselves so they can bask in our glow. Hmmm? Love is about healthy boundaries, healthy sacrifices and healthy narcissism. These fools don’t understand any of those things and will shame us into thinking our ideas of those things are selfish. Just a twisted and corrupt web they weave. The sooner we can escape, the sooner we can get back to reality and the joy of living.

      I’m so happy you are working toward a better custody agreement. Just don’t get sucked in by his projections and lies. Always remain focused on what is best for your child who will learn, in time, what his father is really all about. :)

  96. Omg I don’t know where to start, I was on a dating site when my narcissistic sociopath spotted me, I was a single mum of 2, he told me he had a daughter and talked about the times they spent together, we were just talking and getting to know each other.He was so charming, I fell in love right from the start, he was perfect, he persuaded me into moving in with me, then it all started, the jealousy, rages, his daughter moved away, he always said he would never cheat, he loved me so much, I tried to tell my friends, he isolated me, I was his as far as he was concerned. He was emotionally abusive and physically violent. But when he was loving things were amazing. I was so confused, he never worked, ran debts up, gambled all our money away, couldn’t pay the rent etc, family helped. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. Anyway he talked me into having his child, I thought it might make things better, he would change, no it made things worse, he was more jealous, he wanted me in the house all the time, I was looking after the 3 kids he was sleeping all day, anyway after 5 years after contemplating suicide I got strong and thought I deserve better and got so tough, In the past when I tried to end the relationship he wouldnt listen to me, dismiss my feelings call me a drama queen etc, anyway this time it was over, but would not leave the house, he was sleeping in my bed, and I was on the sofa. Well just before xmas last yr, I kicked him out as I found out he was in another relationship, I wasn’t bothered all feelings had gone I was numb. He left and I tried to rebuild my life and be a mum to my kids, find myself again and learn to love me. Well the nightmare wasn’t over he played the victim saying could he say our son was living with him to get a flat, I’m a nice person and thought it would help him, worse mistake of my life, he wanted my son to play happy families with his new partner, all the while threatening to beat guys up if I went on dates, denying that he was with someone, still is, will not let me meet his partner, they are engaged and getting married soon, and have my son, I see him weekends, but if I ask to see him more, He takes great pleasure in refusing me, he uses my son to control me, this has gone on for a yr, he tells me he still loves me etc, oh and I also found out he never did have a daughter, my whole relationship was a lie, I still feel like I have been hit by a bus by all of this, and I can’t get rid of him, he is still trying to control me, I was always strong and not a victim, how did I get caught up in all of this? It’s like the nightmare will never stop, I love my son so much, please can someone give me some advice I don’t know what to do, and the thought that he is gonna be in my life for years, fills me with dread, thanks for reading this :-)

    • Anon,

      Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Unfortunately, he will always be connected to you through your child. But it doesn’t mean he has to be an active part of it or continue controlling you. Clearly, you need to figure out how to create proper boundaries, which could start by creating a set schedule for child visitations, at least while your child is young and doesn’t technically have a legal voice in the matter.

      If you message me through the Contact Paula page, I can provide you with other resources in your geographical area and other blogs and sites catered to your specific needs. :)

  97. Hey Paula,
    Came across to wish you a Happy New Year! May all your dreams come true as you deserve great happiness. Many hugs Paula xxxxx

    • It took me 7 years of giving the benefit of the doubt to realise I should have trusted my instincts. He has all the traits but worst of all is the slander linked to his compulsive lying and promiscuity. I lost my life savings (I’m 63, he’s 54) and he broke my heart. I’m now retired and on welfare benefits. He won’t work and is even jealous of the few pounds more I have per week than him.

  98. I read your pains, i feel for you jim who admits and shares A sociopath mother.
    Thank you for wanting to protect your own family.
    My father in law is victim to one. In 17 years we never been inside their home because she keeps everybody out of “her life”.
    In other words , my husband who is a only child and who s mother committed suicide long ago, has had his own father turned against him by this woman.
    She pushed us to leave the father and son business.It was the only thing to do.Not that moving away takes the pain away – it does not. The lies are still there. This woman managed to get a job as a writer in a newspaper and i can saythat she is a slick one and she holds that position because of the mis use of power she has at her fingertips.
    My husband s now 40 , we are childless and his father is 73 this january and the last time they exchanged words was seven years ago , and although he tries to call his father she is the one that always picks up the phone and wonthave him on the phone . She controls every aspect of his life , i cannot put in words what we had in the beggining and what extreme damage this cold selfish person has done.if prayers worked he would ve left her a long time ago.
    Truth is ..she chose her victim.
    A dairy farmer (widowed )in a remote sort of place. He had only one sister whom we never saw..
    Our hands are tied. Yes a man gets bruises black and blue it is the first man we encountered who can t leave the abbuse even if neighbors , friends have tried to talk to this man.
    It hurts and maybe more so because we didnt have our own children .
    I decided to share this it is a releif of some sort this time in my life and , for those who lost a family farm to a sociopath or any other business..well can bet i know what its like.You are not alone. Your stories are true , it is you the victims , you have a right to hurt and please keep this post open.
    May the wounds heal<3

  99. Thank you all for writing your stories here. I thought I was the only one to be with an abusive partner for so long (13 years). I still don’t know how to tell most of my friends and family what has happened to me. He raped me in my sleep. I told him I found it abusive and never wanted him to do it again. He said that it was my fault, I didn’t give him enough sex, or I was the one starting it in my sleep. He controlled my money, my career, my friendships and my sexuality. He would lie constantly to the point where I thought it must be me that was the bad person. He managed to convince my friends and family that I was mentally unstable and that he was having such a hard time supporting me. I had no where to turn. He was obsessed with gay porn, spending all his time on the computer looking at sites and joining casual sex sites. When I look back at the start of our relationship, I can see that the signs were there. However he is such a charmer, many people would tell me how lucky I was to have a boyfriend like him. When I finally managed to free myself from him, I found myself totally alone, confused and deeply sad. I thank god that even though there was no official help. The local church phoned me each week to see if I was ok. I started to tell those who I thought were close to me. Some of their reactions were not as expected. Even though they knew that marital rape had happened, they still welcomed him into their homes, but did not find out how I was doing. This was beyond hurtful, however it also showed me how manipulative he is and allowed me to forgive myself for a wasting 13 years of my life and possible the chance of having a family. It is almost a year now since I made him leave. I recently found a poem he wrote, how he was my cancerous blanket filling me with doubt. Tomorrow I am going to visit his sister, and will tell her everything. In the hope that she maybe able to stop him hurting someone else. I hope that if you are reading this and in a similar relationship that you too find the strength to leave. If you don’t have a support network remember there are organisations that are there to help. Being alone is still better than being in a relationship with an abuser. They will never treat you in the way you deserve. Love and strength to you.

    • Thank you, anonymous. I’m so happy you are finding support and the courage to open up about the truth. Please know that even if you or your ex’s sister can’t prevent him from hurting another, you’ll at least be available to validate his next victim. <3

  100. I am n utter shock. I myself am getting over the emotional drainage, of being with a narcissist sociopath of 6 years. I didnt find out until it was too late. I had no idea, knew something was wrong with him and he wasnt quite normal, but it didnt occur to me until about 4 years into the relationship. Every thing mentioned inf this articl, all of the traits and characteristics
    describe him to the “T.” In the beginning he
    definitely made me feel like i was so special, and he was very charming, the relationship was too good to be true. All the while he was unemotional available alot of times and he lacked, empathy, and rationalization. He also severly lacked self control at times during argument i became
    very afraid of him because he would snap.
    In the end i found out he was maintaining multiple relationships with many different

    women. He even had another life the last 8 months of our reltionship that i had no idea
    about. And although all of his lies and secrets were exposed he still continued to deny
    everything. He also secretly envied me and was jealous of my success, he alsmost hated me for not being “beneath” him. I also noticed
    after a couple of years that he was basically running around in a circle, he had not
    progressed in life at all, he began to work on a buisness venture that he never completed, he
    even still til this day has an office for no apparent reason. He loves to purchase luxury
    cars and he dresses exceptionally well, he loves the finer things in life, he uses material
    items as a way of gaining a form of respect
    and recognition because deep down inside he
    is severly lacking self esteem. He needs
    constant admiration and the need to be
    looked up to, he was very delusional. When i
    began to confront him about his lack of
    empathy and cold-hearted, unemotional, and
    inability to ration he would shut me out.
    Eventually he began to withdraw from me
    becuase he couldnt take my truths about him,
    he began to play this sick game with me in
    which he would attempt to make me feel
    useless, or blame me for the turmoil in our
    relationship, but at the same time he would promise me that we were going to get better and that we would be alright. When he would get be back hooked on him he would then repeat the same vicious unemotional cycle. When i found out about his double life with a chick that had nothing going for herself, and

    • Can you tell me what kinds of things I could use against one of these assholes. I am trying to get rid of one my daughter is involved with. I have done nothing but the wrong things so far. I have just pushed her to him trying to make her see the truth. This is the second one she has been seriously involved with. Now she has a child though (NOT his) Can I make her look bad enough to him to make him think he deserves better? I know how horrible that sounds, but she never healed from the first one, that’s why she chose another.

    • Gemini Moon, I wish I could tell you that there is something you can do other than continue being there for your daughter. With deepest respect for you and your daughter, your daughter is essentially an addict…an addict of this relationship…and there is nothing anyone can tell her that will convince her of letting go of the “high” she gets from the abuse cycle he has her circling through. Leave the door open. Always remind her that you love her and resist the urge to say anything negative about her boyfriend. It’s best to act as though he doesn’t even exist. Don’t ask about them; ask about her. Don’t invite them; invite her. Give her the space she needs when she needs it. Don’t push or pressure her. Just love her. Unless he is physically being violent, there is nothing you can do other than sit back and be patient. I realize this is not easy, but you know your daughter. I bet she’s independent and has a mind of her own, just as you raised her to have. <3

  101. This may be slightly off in how this article applies to me, but relevant none the less… My mother is a narcissistic sociopath whom I’ve obviously been dealing with my entire life… I recently have come to terms with the fact that this personality disorder does not go away… And people who have it rarely change… It has cost me many things in life… Jobs, relationships, money and opportunities; and I’m sure years off of my own life… The stress that I have been forced to deal with is obviously the most damaging. Now that I am going to have a family of my own, and do not wish to project any of this baggage onto my pregnant wife and unborn children I have made a conscious decision to extricate these toxic people from our lives… It I a difficult decision, but a person who constantly ignores boundaries and does the very things that they are sake not to do not deserve a place in our lives…

    • Jim, what a tough but necessary decision you have made to protect you and your new family. Personally, I do not think people like this can be changed either. They may temporarily demonstrate better behavior for the sake of appearances, but they always slip back into their comfort zone of control and drama. It’s too hard for them to relinquish control and allow others to just live in peace. Going “no contact” with family is not easy but it is possible. Good luck to you and congratulations on your expected new baby!! :)

    • Jim, I’m sorry that you have a mother who is difficult. As a mother I would expect that she misses both you and your wife and if she was aware there was a child on the way she would be heartbroken that she won’t be a part of that precious life.

      She will want only the best for your little family, even if that means giving up the love she was hoping to give and receive at this point in her life. If she is like me, she will find other ways to give and receive that love, to fill the void that is left by your family’s absence in her life. If she calls out to God he will provide that sense of belonging.

      She will hope that you and your family seek out counselling to deal with your own hurt and grief. She will pray for you each and every day of her life.

      But, she will continue on living her life understanding that allowing her own sadness to destroy her life serves no purpose for anyone. Not for her, not for you, and not for your unborn child. She will use her own life experiences to help others who are also grieving the loss of their own children in their lives.

      If she is reading this, I would suggest she live her life in an effort to some day give your unborn child a reason to say, “That’s MY grandmother,” with a great deal of pride.

      Look after yourself, “Jim,” and look after your little family. Hopefully some day you will be able re-establish a relationship with your mother-in-law.

      Could be Jim’s mother-in-law

  102. To the lady who said “god bless”
    You have given me strength to see we can be without them and that if this is how bad they can get then getting them out of our lives is the best thing. You are such a strong person and I thank you for sharing with us. God bless to you too x

  103. I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 19 years. The last 2 were spent trying to get my divorce finalized while he sat in jail for molesting our 9 yo daughter. He physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me and our 4 children. He cheated on me constantly and I was always forgiving and taking him back. The last 3 years we were together before he went to jail, I would tell him how much he disgusted me and how miserable I was. I begged him to give me a divorce. He always told me that he would kill me and the children if I ever left. I have a scar in my hand where he tried to cut my nose off my face and I pushed the knife away as it went into my hand. I have had a gun shoved in my mouth and in my ear while he played russian roulette, pulling the trigger to watch me flinch. He would always break down crying about how much he loved me and that was why he would get so crazy. He would threaten suicide all the time. I was finslly free of him physically 8 years ago when he was sentenced to 20 years forthe abuse of our daughter. He was an OB-GYN and ended up leaving me with just under 3 million in debt. I had no job and he had isolated me from all family. My advice to anyone dealing with someone like that is to RUN….get away as fast and as far as you can. I survived. God sustained me and has provided for me and my children. They didn’t escape scar free though. They were emotionally hit and have suffered with their own anger and pain in some harmful ways. I should have never allowed him to make me an emotional hostage. I should have stood up to him and called him on his threats. I do jot think he would have followed through for fear of exposure. He was exposed anyway when I suspected he had done something and asked my daughter. Luckily he had just “tested” the waters and only touched her. I told her to go outside and confroned him. He called her a liar and I told him the only thing he would be worried about from now on was whise bitch he was going to be in prison. He xame after me with a knife while I dialed 911. He ran and hid until they got there. He will ve eligible for parole in 2015 and I have a cocealed weapon oermit. I will be ready to defend myself if he decides to boomerang back to try and control. I hope he doesn’t. I don’t want to have to shoot him or my current husband shoot him, but we both will if we have to without hesitation. My point for those currently suffering in a relationship with one and for those who are trying to get out or recently get out, you will survive. I was forced to file bankruptcy and just last month won the case to have $100, 000 of his medical student loans taken off of me. Life wil be better….I promise. What someone says to you or does to you does NOT define you….you define you. God bless!

    • Thank you, Kandace. I am so glad you were able to keep your daughter safe and to experience justice and validation. :)

    • What a terrifying experience. Always good to hear when someone triumphs over the adversity in their life. I read somewhere that sociopaths choose or target a particular personality type. Sacrificial profile. This is because we do everything to make the relationship work, overlook unacceptable behaviour because they are stressed or we believe the “poor me” story and Web of lies they tell us. This is not because we are gullible so much as we are deeply caring, giving, and compassionate people. Despite the pain caused I hope you maintain those qualities. We are closer to healing than a sociopath ever will be. To others involved with someone you think might be a sociopath, take the advice of all those who have survived…RUN. RUN. RUN. And find out about the sacrificial profile and how you can protect yourself from making the same bad choice. Wishing other readers and survivors the very best and safe people as a support group.

    • I think my daughter has been married to a man like this for a yr now…and now matter what I say I ami in the wrong, and just dont’ know how to help her or her children,,she works all night while he sleeps in a warm bed , he wont work has every excuse in the book for not having a job and she is worthy of so much more in her life….she defends him and will stay away from us if we say anything….Just don’t know how to help

  104. So I came across this article to see if a narcissistic sociopath exists, and it does! I lived, and was friends with one for like, over a decade! After hanging out on and off through school, i lived with him for some time, and it was a nightmare. I kept trying to tell myself that there is a nice, interesting, talented person under all this misery and constant hate that was projected.

    Luckily after I lost my job I moved out, and he did too. Ive been much happier since, and made a lot of positive changes in my life, I dont hang out with him or negative people like him any more, and I generally am able to keep a positive outlook on my life. Im glad I got out when I did, but the toughest part is going to be persuading people about it….sociopaths are horrible people, and my one regret in life was ever knowing one. They make you feel horrible, talk you into shady things, and generally just make life not worth living.

    To people out there suffering, I feel you. Whatever the situation, get out while you still can, salvage what you have left, and start over. However hard that may sound, if you want to give yourself a chance at being happy you have to do it! Good luck to everyone, and this article is great. Straight up facts, no filler. Well done.

    • Thank you, Soopa Fly, for your encouraging words and your understanding. And bravo to you for being brave and courageous. Your experience can bring hope to many who aren’t in the same positive place as you are, yet. Namaste!

  105. I have figured out that my wife of 21 years is a Narcissist with HPD Traits. She would say things to me then deny ever saying them.
    She was cold and distant and would get angry if I tried to get affection from her.
    She demanded I work two or three jobs at a time to keep up with her spending.

    Yet, when I met her, she was loving and appeared to be caring. I have figured out that I was love-bombed by her. Then, suddenly the love was cut off. I spent years trying to win back the woman I fell in love with.
    Only to discover that the woman wasn’t real.

    • I am so sorry you were duped, Distraught Hubby. It’s really not fair to play with our emotions, but it’s what they enjoy doing just to control us and see us fight and squirm. They live for our misery, because they are so miserable deep inside. Instead of embracing love, they embrace fear and force us to embrace fear also. You wanted that woman because you feared losing her. What so many of us don’t realize until it’s too late is that we can lose something that we never really had in the first place. They make it easy for us, in the end, to let them go but only once we realize what and who they are. For people who just want to love and live without drama, we fight for a balance in the midst of these toxic relationships never realizing it’s just a vain attempt. They don’t want love and balance! They want drama because it’s exciting to them. To me, it’s down right tiresome, and I deserve better. So do you, Distraught! :)

    • I think I am in a relationship like this, I have been dating a man on and off (which seems to be a pattern with this disorder) for 9 years and we have one child together. In the beginning, he was just amazing, I never felt the way I did for him for anyone else. He was so thoughtful and caring and pursued me. As time went by he would out of no where break up with me, and then in a very short time come back. I suspect there were other interests during those times. As years went by, we ended up splitting for about 2 years, and he was dating someone else, during that time we had our child, and decided to work things out. Over the last three years he has “broken up” with me twice for about a month or two, in which I found out he was pursuing other women. Only to come back to me declaring how much he wanted it to work with us, all the while I was in misery wondering what I did wrong, why I was never enough for him and how much I unconditionally loved him, and so, I always agreed to the relationship. And things would be wonderful he would bring me flowers and pay attention to me and make me feel loved, and after a few months he would start slipping back to going out with friends, putting all household (we lives together) responsibilities on me, and we fell into a slump. I was frustrated and never really pursued him sexually or anything, I was a stay at home mom and never had my “own” money to surprise him with anything or never felt like we could so anything financially, even though he has an exceptionally well paying job. So we are now split up, again, and I’m wrestling this giant monster, because I keep going back and forth between anger and oppression and the desire for him to have a change of heart and to go to counseling to work on our issues. He has no remorse that it’s Christmas time and that I took our small child to stay with my parents with little to no explanation because he wanted me out of our home. And he places the blame on me for our failing relationship saying he did not feel loved, pursued or cares for by me. That he was bored and went seeking what he “wasn’t getting as home” elsewhere for fulfillment. I’m a little beside myself. Any advice?

    • Anonymous, I am really sorry you are dealing with a person like this who is also the father of your child. What he’s done to you is reminiscent of what the boy in my story did to one if his fiancées. These people get bored because their idea of love is so delusional. Their idea of love only encompasses the initial “falling in love” phase…the butterflies in the stomach phase. No relationship can maintain that initial rush, that initial high. But that is what sociopaths think love is. And once they stop feeling those butterflies and extreme excitement, they start blaming YOU for what they perceive as a failing relationship. They’re really stupid, aren’t they? Once those butterflies end, that’s when relationships move to more stable ground. Unless, of course, one part of the relationship is disordered. If one part is disordered, the relationship enters toxic territory. You’re in toxic territory. It will never get better. Love yourself and free yourself by letting the sociopath go. Don’t torment your heart and spirit further. You have so much to offer the world and your child. But you’ll never be able to tap into your potential with a vampire sucking away your energy and light. :)

  106. I’m currently in a relationship with a man and I firmly believe his ex girlfreind is a narcissistic sociopath. From the very moment she has tried to destroy us. At first I explained it away as pure jealousy, then as immaturity but its gone on too long now to be simply that. This woman left him 9 months prior to us getting together. The moment she found out about he and I, she has tried every trick in the book to get him back or to break us up. During their relationship she stalked and drove her ex husband and his new gf/wife insane. Creating fake social media accounts to get access to them to try to gain information on them and now she is doing it to us. She tried to get to him by professing her love to him, saying she now wanted to be his wife. She tried that for a few months, then moved on to me, trying to convince me that my bf (her ex bf) was going to hurt me etc. When that didn’t work she turned to Facebook to try to destroy us. Making fake accounts and trying to get us to add her. She has spread soooo many lies about us, claiming she is the victim and that we have been stalking and harrassing her. She is very good at manipulation and has convinced a lot of her friends that she is in fact the victim here, even posting my real name to her Facebook stating that I was the evil one. She has sent the police to our home twice on seperate occassions, and both officers stated that she is “not all there”. The last officer she sent stated that she had so much stuff taken from my facebook that she is clearly the one that is “fixated’ on me. Sorry, but thats a definition of a stalker! He stated she is clearly extremely jealous and delusional. She believes that my bf (her ex bf) is still in love with her and that he is just lying about his feelings. She posts things about “waiting for someone is a sign of true love”. She KNOWS what she has done, yet BELIEVES that she is the victim. She is involved in the community as a volunteer and raves about how much “good” she has done yet if they commitee that she is on only knew what she is doing, she’d be banished from this very respectful group. She is relentless…she recently sent a flash drive containing pictures of my bf and her together when they were dating, titleing it True Love Never Dies….it contained a video put together with a song that she thinks was a special song of theirs…..she sent with it, pictures of his young son, which is what she used as a way to manipulate my bf into feeling gratitude towards her….she is extremely well adept at manipulation. I’ve tired to “ignore” her….but she just won’t quit. Just last week we were informed that she now knows where I live and posted that she is moving just one street over from us…..please….what should I do???

    • The only thing you can do is move or ignore her. Do you feel threatened by her outside of being stalked and watched? If she’s a sociopath, she’ll get tired of being ignored and move on to her next BF. While she and your boyfriend were together, was she successful in splitting up her ex and his new wife? How did that end? The key to her behavior more than likely lies in how she behaved in the past. Your ex was with her while she harassed others. What was the outcome of that harassment and how did he handle it then?

    • Thanks, Paula. I really appreciate your site. I try to research as much as I can on BPD/Narcissism. It appears our world is being overrun with these types.

      I still have a couple of teenagers with my wife, so I am trying to hold things together for them. It’s been quite the challenge.

      One thing I have noticed is how narcs challenge everything you say. If I say, “I think it’s going to rain today,” she will automatically say the opposite. It is like that every time I say anything. So, you are correct, they are just tiresome.

    • Exactly! Nothing can be allowed to live out there in the Universe without them leaving their mark. Like a dog marks its territory or something. Always countering and remarking. :)

    • Sorry, my reply went to the wrong story. :)

  107. Paula,

    Just want to say everything you say is correct and teaching. Stessing the no contact is crucial, and according to my experiences this is the only way to recover from these people I see as not human. What you miss is something that was never really there and it is hard to believe and 2 yrs later it is still hard sometimes after wasting 15 years of my life, though I never regret anything in life it is all for reason. My life may be far from perfect now…but it is peaceful and no longer cry , I laugh…and smile inside and out. Keep up the good work Paula…and hopefully everyone who has experienced life with a person with NPD, & sociopath or either one will take advice from all of those who are on the otherside of this dilemma and join rock!!!


    • Thank you, Ruth. Missing what wasn’t there. Yes! That’s exactly what we do in the early stages of healing and recovery. Once we accept that what we thought was a love bond was actually a trauma bond, we begin to replace those tears with smiles. It’s a beautiful thing to come together and help each other through the painful and uncomfortable aftermath of sociopathic/narcissistic/pathological abuse. Namaste!

    • stressing not stessing (sp) error..

    • i was with my partner for 3 years it was very very abusive im 10 years younger than him i met him when iwas 17 soon after we met he began the abuse very physical abuse the police knew him wel and warned me of him but i keept going back becuase i loved him he had another girlfreind of 7 years which i didnt know about i also found him txting and calling other girls i lied to keep him out of jail when he was beating me up because i loved him so much i actualy thought i coudlnt live with out him he was a suspect in 2 sex atacks but was never charged due to not enough evidence i ended up having his baby and we broke up for good when i just couldnt take it anymore he had other children i didnt know about he used to strangle me unconsious until i had seziers ect weve been broken up for a very long time now but for some reason i ant move on i stil love him and i feel like if i did move on he would hate me so much how do i get past my relationship with this person also do u think he is a phsycopath?

  108. When you love a narcissist…how do you free yourself from him? How can you not answer when he calls? How do you turn and leave the moment you see him when you still care so deeply for him? It doesn’t make sense to me why I can allow such a man to control my actions. I’ve spent countless hours telling myself what to do the “next time”..but all to no avail..because I’m forever giving in and allowing him back time and time again..into this vicious self-destructing circle..i know its wrong..i know what he is..and i simply cant seem to let go and walk away..i feel helpless

    • Helpless,

      Like many of us who end up with people like this, you don’t love and trust yourself to the degree you should. Otherwise, you wouldn’t think twice about not caring about this guy. Why would you or could you really love someone who treats you like garbage and disrespects you and everyone you care about? His goal is control. The more you give in and keep going back or asking to go back, the more control he feels and the worse the abuse becomes when you begin resisting his control again. It’s a vicious cycle. It never ends until you stand up and demand better for yourself and your future. If this guy were your son, would you be proud of him? Of course not!! So why would you want someone like this standing by your side? You couldn’t trust him to be there to support you on your worst days…no way!! He’d run for the hills and for new supply. Then, once you’re recovered, he’d reach out again. You can love and care for him. But do it from a distance. It’s in our nature to give those who have demonstrated love for us (even fake love) a second chance. Many second chances. But you can’t do this with these types. They never learn that what they do hurts people. They don’t understand that our pain and emotions come from a place of true care, not from a need to control like their rages do. We feel and all we want in return is understanding. These people will NEVER understand that because to understand requires empathy and a conscience. They have neither.

    • Helpless, there is help and hope for you. First step, look beyond yourcurrent situation, believe in you, look at the big picture..he isnt going to change nor can you change change, he gets more out of control as he realizes youre stronger and he now has no power over you. This is coming from someone going through it. There are no law stating youneedto takehiscrap anymore..maybe take a break from him like no communications..i believe in you and want you to be safe and ok..

  109. OMG!!! Every single characteristic fits my ex-husband. We were married for 10 yrs and have two children. My therapist told me that he’s a sociopath, and everytime I research it, he fits it to a T. He is absolutely crazy, but beat me down sooo much and made me feel like I was crazy. Soo glad that I got out when I did, should have sooner. He’s incredibly angry at me, and he tells my son so many lies. He’s cunning and manipulative. I can’t fathom how someone lives a life as he does. Thanks for this!

  110. I would be there to help mum and if your brother wont accept it, its too bad because your mom needs you to be her advocate. In time your brother will come to terms with it and respect you and regards

  111. Hi paula,

    Fantastic article, just reading this realized that my brother is one.Do you know how to deal with one?I say this because my father put him in charge of everything and my dad passed recently, mum still alive though.

    • Paul,
      So sorry to hear the news of your father’s passing. The best way to handle them is to remain emotionally detached and try to be present when he tries, inevitably, to influence your mother. In this case, you may want to hire an experienced mediator or fight for a non-family member to represent the estate if possible.

    • I would stand your there for your mom..just because he is the appointed executor doesnt mean he is entitled to do stupid stuff to your family. Best regards

  112. I need your help… my wife and I are being stalked, sued and generally slandered by a Narcissistic Sociopath. Lately he lost a case against us… now he is suing the Judge!!! I have a book he wrote in order to slander his late father and siblings, would you be able to read it and give a professional opinion. I would pay reasonable professional fees on proof of your qualifications. Please consider my plea, my wife and I are desperate! Now he’s trying to destroy the career of a Judge because she ruled in our favour

    • I’m not certain of the qualifications you need. If you go to “Contact Paula” and submit a request through the form, we can talk offline. Thanks! ~Paula

    • Don’t be too quick to assume “he” is in the wrong.

      I went to the police after I found out my ex-husband had been cashing cheques payable to me, for a period of 12 years. He is wealthy and certainly did not need to break the law for more money. The police basically laughed at me, although I had copies of cancelled cheques clearly indicating they went into his business account. I also filed a grievance and fought until I won, all the while my family is laughing at me…as usual.

      Sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves to finally achieve justice even if others are trying once again to force us down.

      Oh, by the way, I also wrote a book after 13 years of this sort of treatment, and I’m sure (in fact I know) that my ex’s wife is thinking exactly what you’re thinking. Funny thing is, although many in his circle insist it’s full of lies….they have yet to tell me one thing that is a lie.

      You might want to consider analyzing rationally who is indeed in the wrong.

      Stronger now, somewhere in Canada.

    • hi he doesn’t live in brighton does he?

  113. I need some help in finding out if my sister has NPD or a similar problem. She is around 20, and has had numerous relationships that were bad. When she went to college, she kept saying she was doing fine, but after a while we recognized that she was sleeping through her classes almost every day. She still kept saying she was doing fine. Also, she gets into fights with our parents once in a while, where she occasionally pulls a knife on herself or on our dad (she hasn’t done anything, yet). In these fights she will smash pictures or actually punch through the walls. She is the only one in the family who curses with any regularity. I believe she also had “intimate” relations with one or more of the abusive boyfriends. She can not hold down a job, because usually she gets accepted/goes through training, but then just doesn’t go. My parents pay for almost everything for her, and she constantly eats food that has been explicitly said to be for a specific occasion, time, or person.

    • Your sister is young, and the sooner she gets help the better. How close are you to her? Is she ashamed after these violent outbursts or does she simply go about life as if nothing happened and no one was affected?

    • It sounds to me like your sister might be suffering from depression or bipolar disorder. Anger and irritability (even rage and aggression) are common in depression–especially in younger people (ages 12-40)–and they’re extremely common in bipolar. Promiscuity is also common in bipolar.

      From the symptoms you’ve described, both of these seem like more likely diagnoses than NPD. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I write for a national publication about depression–and I’ve talked to many experts and lay people about the topic. I’m currently writing a piece on anger and depression–and your sister’s symptoms fit the bill. Anger is an often overlooked symptom of depression and a very common one in people with coping with bipolar. I hope your sister can get help soon. Best of luck to you and your family.

  114. Thank for this . I am a victim of physical and mental abuse from my husband. We were together for four years and married for two. We were together for about 9 months and after a mental breakdown on his part and many other signs and an actual diagnoses i found out he had schizoaffective disorder. There weren’t really any incidents of abuse at that time but there were a few incidents with him talking to and trying to hookup with other women. He went into a hospital and started to recover..there were ups and downs and med changes and such..there were alot of good times as well..he started on a wonderful medicine that helped him so much. Things got much better so I attributed his reckless behavior to his illness..but two months after we got married he hit me..and he was on his meds…the emotional abuse and even some physical abuse happened before that but I really thought his meds would change that
    ..but the abuse got worse and he had to get off of the so called good meds due to a heart condition and it all went even further down hill..our marriage meant nothing..he still tried to sleep with women or at least attempt to convince them to sleep with him and the emotional and physical abuse got worse. A month ago i left..went to the hospital after a horrific two day long assault and pressed charges on him. I had to leave my life behind …my job my apartment and my town and start over. Luckily I have amazing family and friends who have helped me tremendously during this incredibly trying time. Throughout everything I assumed with rose colored glasses that his illness was to blame when really it was him and the schizoaffective disorder added to his anguish but I knew it had to be more and after research and your excerpt it makes sense..he exhibited numerous symptoms of both sociopathy and narcissism ..he did a great job pretending he cared and loved me and went so far as to marry me and his lack of empathy was startling..maybe at one point he loved me..but there’s no way to tell..and now I’m almost certain that I am married (soon to be divorced) and was viciously abused by a schizoaffective narcissistic. Sociopath. Thank god I made it out alive. I am now living with my mom dealing with court and trying to get him sentenced he has 9 charges against him including two felonies for what he did to me and I have an active pfa against him and once court is over I will be filing for divorce..thank you again for writing this and shedding light on the situation as well as confirming my suspicions’

  115. […] between the Sociopath, Psychopath, NPD.. Here is one article w 20 Traits. 20 SOCIOPATHIC TRAITS Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath | Paula's Pontifications The list of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book WithoutConscience: The […]

  116. An experience with the man I though was my whole life has lead me to this site. I am 28, very attractive and successful. However I come from a broken home where my father has been absent and I have a very bad rship with him. I always date older men. I met this man on a website for older men and you get women. He portrayed himself as a successful property developer back on the dating scene after his partner cheated on him. On his profile he said he was 39. We almost never met ..things kept happening e.g. I never got his text or he turned up late. Guess the universe was trying to stop me. Eventually we met and we had a fantastic first date. We met a few times and he constantly texted and called me. We eventually slept together and I fell for him. He was a lovely person..or so I thought. 2 weeks later I found out I had got herpes. I had never had this disease before. But the more I learnt the more I realised that he bought this into my life. When I told him, he didn’t seem phased and made me feel like I bought the disease. We carried on seeing each other. We would meet for sex hotels. He said I couldn’t go to his place as he was staying with his mother she had Alzheimer’s and it would confuse her. He told me he sold his house with his ex of 6 years. I went on holiday with a friend and whilst I was there he got angry and accused me of sleeping with someone. He blocked me so I couldn’t call him. I was so upset. I didn’t eat or haven fun te entire time. A few days later he told me he still had feelings for his ex which shattered me. Up until this time he told me he loved me and he wouldn’t know what to do with himself if it wasn’t for me. When I returned he acted as normal and said he was scared. So I Stuck by him. We would have lovely talks and times together but always stayed at hotel. Eventually I moved out of my parents to be close to him and got my own flat. However, sometimes he would disappear. When I’d get hold of him he’d say his battery ran out or he was busy with work. But he would disappear for days. The whole time I was suspicious but I thought because he had his business he was busy. He would never go on holiday. And also disappeared on his bday and said he was depressed at how his life was. The whole time we were having fantastic sex. I would pay his phone bills and beg for him to pay me back which he did eventually.we would spend the whole weekend together and he would call me throughout the week so I thought nothing of it. I was always suspicious and tried breaking up with him but then call him apologising because he had no reaction. And he blamed me for sabotaging our relationship. I soon found out he was actually 48 and not 39. He denied putting 39 on his profile and it didn’t bother me. Over the year I never met his mother or friends or went to his house. He used to say how much he hated cheaters and how he would never cheat on anyone. A year into our relationship he convinced me I needed therapy because I kept breaking up with me and it as because of issues with my father. Shortly after I found out that he was still with his ex, after I turned up outside his house when my gut said something was Wrong. He never left her. He would spend the weekend with me and see here in the week. She was as devastated as me. And told me she used o think it was odd he would disappear on weekend but thought he was such a decent guy. He said he on,y had sex twice with her which she confirmed. When I asked her if it was odd she just said she thought he was seeing prostitutes but not an affair. I never knew of her at all. He even talked about having children. In hindsight, I don’t even think he has a successful business as he claims. His gf even told me they never had a house together or lived together in 6 years and that he just stayed over like he did with me. I feel like he is a stranger to me,,but I feel so empty as I feel I lost my best friend. I really loved him. His last words were he loved his ex and wants to give the, a chance, he did apologise and even cry when he got found out, I’ve just written the gist of everything here. There were times when he was cruel and nasty. Shouting at me in middle of street, walking out of hotel and leaving me there. He told me he loved me then in front of her he said he loved her.. But our year together,… He was having sex with me and talking to me about his thoughts and fears. I can’t believe this happened… When I went on holiday with my mum he called me for two hours as it turned out to be the day his father passed away 20 years ago. I felt so guilty for leaving him as he said he felt alone. I asked him why he didn’t call her and he said ‘ what does that tell u’. He had an emotional affair, not just a physical one. But he lied to me and her throughout the year…and neither of us suspected the lie would be this big. I thought about survive when I found out. He completely destroyed me

    • Virgo, Many of us can relate to your story, even if the details don’t match specifically. It’s the lies and the claims that he would NEVER cheat on anyone that hooks us in. And the successful business? Yes, that’s surely a lie, too. Would you agree that what you actually miss isn’t HIM but the physical connection and high of the great sex? There was never a connection beyond the physical. These people aren’t capable of it. The irony is that we find it harder to let go of these superficial people because we can’t fully comprehend the injustice of the time and love we wasted on them. We will never get those days, months or years back that these abusers and manipulators stole from us. But we can be better than we were before them. We now know that we aren’t superficial and that we do desire deep and true connections with honest and good people. Our true nature was revealed to us and it’s up to us to nurture ourselves and set our boundaries and not let people like this infiltrate our lives in the future.

  117. I am glad I found this site and think my DIL is a narcissist and possibly a sociopath. She’s extremely controlling of my son to the point that she won’t allow him to see his parents or for us to see our grandson. Interestingly our son in in total contact with us and has allowed us to see our grandson behind her back. To her face he’s compliant. I think he’s being abused by her emotionally and she’s manipulative. We cautioned him about marrying her but unfortunately he went through with it although he did say he had reservations about her.

    • He’s not alone. So many of us second-guess our guts and follow through with engagements, marriages and children with these types! If we mention leaving or ending the relationship, they are so good at turning up the pity and acting desperate. They are infants and we want to help them, but we end up getting harmed…inevitably. I hope your son finds the strength and support to follow his gut.

  118. Thanks for sharing. Over the past year I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mom is a narcissist. And now realizing, a sociopath too. And this is after moving halfway across the country and going to a therapist for 5 years. It took that long to unwind myself from the web enough to see it. What a difficult process it’s been. My thank goodness I finally see the truth. Finally I’ve found pieces to the puzzle that I always felt were missing

    • Hi K, my heart goes out to you. My Mum (Mom) was also a Narcissist/Sociopath, something which I only realised a year ago when I realised I’d been a victim of narcissistic abuse (intimacy abuse) with someone whom I believe is a narcissistic sociopath and as we all do after the ‘discard’, we start researching and googling ‘lying and story telling’ because we’re trying to make sense of it all, until we stumble upon ‘Narcissists and Sociopaths’ and bingo!! Well it was then I also stumbled upon ‘Narcissistic Mothers, Enabling Fathers and Scape-goat child’ (if you want I’ll send you the link – helped me and might help you too) and yes, it’s a very difficult process. Very difficult, but now, like me, you’ve finally found pieces to the puzzle. My Mum died a year ago from cancer (I moved back here to the UK from South Africa at the age of 21 just to get away from her – I was the scape-goat daughter) and for a while I felt angry because I never got the chance to tell her it was never me, it was HER. That I AM lovable and clever. I wanted to hand her back all HER muck which she projected on to me. I wanted to tell her such a lot. But then I realised, from researching NPD and from reading the book about NM’s that it wouldn’t have made any difference. She wouldn’t have felt any guilt or any remorse. She would instead have become enraged and most likely would have tried to ruin my life, as she so often did until I cut contact completely! I’m here if you want to ‘share’ and I’ll find that website for you on NM’s if you’d like :) x

  119. Nope, I believe you, every word. Hang in there and don’t give up! 💪

  120. Paula, thank you for stopping by!

    Have a wonderful day :)

  121. After reading the posts, I no longer feel that I am alone in what is happening to me. I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 40 years. I stayed for the sake of the children. Six years ago, I was diagnosed with Leukemia and this changed the family dynamics. My hospital admissions and medical treatments rendered me weak and helpless and he used this opportunity to position himself favorably with the kids. He won them over to his side with expensive gifts, cell phones and other electronics, cars – the works using our joint credit line while making him think he was the generous Dad. He was able to justify the relationship he had started with another man at work. He was out every night sneaking into the house in the early hours of the morning and on weekends he would disappear as well. His cell phone records show calls from this so called “drinking buddy” as early as 7 in the morning and late at night. He plunged us heavily into debt with his excessive spending on gas, liquor and expensive dinners. When he began to phone my friends and extended family telling lies about me I knew I had to get out. As soon as I filed for divorce, he feigned depression in order to go on disability to avoid paying spousal support. All my children except for one son are in denial as it is easier to believe that I am the one at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. I cannot imagine how the family doctor and a psychiatrist cannot see that he is faking. He makes it a point of playing to the gallery by crying at the drop of a hat, using the same scruffy outfit. He claims depression. extreme anxiety when around people/ crowds, inability to drive due to vertigo, as well as difficulty walking due to a limp. Yet- he manipulated shutting me out of our son’s graduation, staying in the convocation hall for two and a half hours and the reception that followed afterwards, without experiencing an anxiety attack, drove his BMW on the same occasion from our daughter’s house out of town to downtown Toronto with four passengers, and most recently took a plane ride inspite of his alleged fear of flying to a US port for a Carribean cruise, He has refused to sign the settlement agreement we had drafted because he wants to leave me with nothing. Not only does he intend to avoid paying spousal support but he is demanding either part of my pension or the same amount from the proceeds of the sale of the house which is about 40K. This will render me not only homeless but unable to afford accommodations for myself, while he lives comfortably in our daughter’s mansion, without any expenses, and collecting disability three times of what I am receiving in benefits. He is also attempting to overturn my disability and force me to return to work so that I would pay him spousal support. His delaying tactics are intended to bleed me dry as he is aware that I have limited resources while his legal fees and other expenses are bankrolled by our daughter. I am in a bind and would welcome any input. My story may sound so unreal but every word of this is true. I cannot wait for this nightmare to end.

    • Your story is so similar to my parents’ divorce, only in my case it was my mom who the narcissist. I also dated a narcissist many years ago (thank god I got out of that). My experience with narcissists is to avoid arguing/disagreeing with them or become hyper reactive to anything they say/do (I know this sounds impossible). But, they passive aggressively will work to “get you back” for opposing them (their ego can’t handle it). Focus on your clarity, what you know to be true about yourself and be calm and patient. Narcissists DO self destruct at certain points &/or get bored and move on to the next thing, and he will do it on his own. If you try to intervene, he will use it to bring you in as a scapegoat to his behavior or for general blame. Think of yourself as a reflector…let anything he says or does easily bounce off of you with no reaction. Best of luck to you. Bravery will get you through!

    • I’ve just got out of a three and a half year marriage to a man who is so cruel and demeaning. I’ve read so much about sociopaths and narcissistic personality and he fits the bill. I pride myself on my honesty and deep moral code for kindness. It has been a long campaign by himself and his family members to ridicule and destroy me. I have been made, by his constant child-like behaviour to agree to move beside his mother and manipulative sister. The nastiness and intimidation has been awful. using my weak spots to laugh at me and laughing as I cried. There are 7 of them so it’s been difficult to be who I am. Their motto is the mackay way is the only way and they don’t fit social norms. I finally got the police involved after he forced himself inside for sex against my will and I became a numb shell. It proved without a doubt, over and above all of his claiming he was getting psychological help to change his behaviour, that I was just a means to an end and I could no longer pretend to myself, that somewhere inside he loved me. There was lying, manipulation, staying out all night. Disappearing at any time. No phone calls for him while at home. He had recently admitted, if it can be believed, to having slapped a wee girl on the face when he was a child and the thrill of it had him doing it regularly to the same wee girl while pretending to others that they were friends. Sick. I began to realise that his behaviour has been lifelong and not because of me. Its so difficult to accept that I allowed him into my life Xx take care Xx

  122. My dad’s wonderful words of wisdom when I poured my heart out to him, and how foolish, humiliated and betrayed I felt “I would of thought something was wrong with YOU if you didn’t put your whole heart and soul into your marriage, now I just know there is something definitely wrong with HIM”. I believe those words apply to all of us. You will get through this, and remember “living well is the best revenge ever”! xoxo.

  123. I have no idea where to begin. I was in a relationship very much like the many I have just read on this website, for 3 years. I was a single mother with young children and he was (what I thought then) the man of my dreams, handsome, witty, charming and so much more. I didn’t know it at the time but looking back I did see signs that he was a sociopath early in our relationship, he boasted about sleeping with other women, and would give details in front of me to his friends. He bragged one night about sleeping with another woman while we were together. I couldn’t believe how devastated I was, I told him to leave me alone for good. And after arguing and crying for hours and him promising it would never happen again, I was so in love and he was so convincing that I forgave him. Then it happened again and again, I’d find him texting and talking to other women, he told me he would stop and each time I forgave him. Other early signs were that he was quick to anger for what I thought were very little things and he very much felt like he was above the law. So many of the descriptions of a sociopath I didn’t know about, I now realized that I did see in him. He was very charming to other people, no one would ever know what I went through. He was very flirty with other women and a lot of women liked it, I was one of them, it is what attracted me to him in the first place. But now that we are broken up, some women that I have met that know him have told me that he ‘creeped them out’, coming to their home even when he knew her husband wasn’t home, etc. I remember seeing something about sociopaths having an almost ‘predatory’ stare, he did that and it made me feel so very uncomfortable, he would just stare at a woman that he found pretty, almost like he could devour her and it made me sick to my stomach. But, when things were right, he made me feel like no one else has ever made me feel in my life. I saw compassion in him and some other things that are opposite of a sociopath. He did own his own business and was loyal to his work, he was all about appearances, big house, lots of money, lots of guns, he wanted to feel powerful and he did, he was not a moocher like many of the descriptions of sociopaths I have seen. But I do believe he made his money in less than honest ways. And he was quick to pretend that he didn’t have money even though he was very wealthy. He once fooled a parking attendant into giving him a free pass at a seminar for the $10 parking fee because he told her he only brought enough money for us to eat lunch and in reality he had hundreds of dollars in his wallet. He did things like this VERY often. After someone told me that they thought he was a sociopath, I did some research and saw that he had most of the sociopath behaviors, but some were not him, such as him feeling compassion for others and owning a successful company.
    For the first year we were together things were ok, when we were good we were wonderful, I never thought I could ever feel as much love as I did for him. But when he hurt me, I knew we couldn’t go on. I never did move in with him, he had asked me to many times. He was good to my children and would never hurt me when my children were present. But, when I started to get the courage to leave him he would abuse me. The nights we argued about other women he would throw me around, so hard I would urinate on myself. He would choke me, pull my hair out, rip my clothes off and threaten to urinate on me, but he rarely left bruises. After a really bad incident I got a restraining order against him. He got lawyers to talk to me and I eventually agreed to remove the order. He was so convincing to me, he would tell me he needed help, he would cry and cry and agreed to see a psychologist. We saw two psychologists together, the first was a woman and he didn’t like the things she said so he chose a man. After seeing a male psychologist 3 times, the Dr. told him he was not capable of change, everything the Dr. told him to do or not do he would not follow his orders and the Dr. told me to leave him, that he was not capable of having a healthy relationship. The last night I was with him I truly felt that he was going to hurt me worse than he ever had, we were out to dinner and he got upset at me for ordering something he didn’t want to pay extra for, I saw the look in his eyes after I got upset with him and told him to go back to the woman he was dating while we were broken up because she could afford to take him out. I saw the rage in his eyes and I knew I could not leave the restaurant with him or he would hurt me and I honestly didn’t know if I would survive this one. He waited outside for me and came back into the restaurant and took my phone as I was calling a friend for a ride. I told him I was going to call the police if he didn’t give my phone back, and after going back and forth several times, he wouldn’t give my phone back so I called the police from the restaurant phone, he came back into the restaurant and took the phone from my hand. He left when he realized that I was actually calling the police and they chased him and arrested him. I have not been with him since that moment. When the trial date came up I had to appear in court, they had some social workers there to help me and tell me it was ok and that they could charge him, I only told them that if he left me alone and took anger/abuse classes that I would be fine so he did not get charged, and he agreed to leave me alone and he has not contacted me since.
    I know what many people will think when they read this, she is stupid, she is an idiot, why would anyone keep going back to someone like that. I don’t know how to answer that, and I definitely did not give the full story in these short paragraphs, but after reading this website and trying to figure out why I am still trying to get over what happened to me, I felt I just had to tell my story. I feel like I have been brainwashed, how could I love someone so evil? I saw such evil in him but I also feel like I saw so much good, it really makes no sense to me and I have been struggling with this for a long time. I am sure though after reading what others have posted that many who are reading this have experienced the same things I experienced. My problem now is that I am in constant pain, I feel like I am drowning. I feel lost, I don’t know how I could have loved someone so awful but I am also ashamed to say that it has been over a year and I don’t think I am over the love I had for him. After all he did to me, how can I not be over him? He has moved on with someone else. From what I know of her, she is a nice person, single mom, good job, etc. He has been with her over a year and I can’t help but think maybe he has changed, and if he has changed why couldn’t he do that for me? I wish more than anything that I could move on and be happy with someone else. I am happy with my own life, my wonderful children and I now have a great job that I love, but I feel something missing, I want to feel a connection with another man again and can’t help but think I will never find that again in my life.
    I was happy to find this website and read everyone else’s stories. I do find comfort that there are others out there who understand, or at least I hope will understand. I want to become at peace with myself again and I want to be able to love again in a good, whole, right way, I hope that it’s possible.

    • Thank you so much for sharing. No one here thinks you’re an idiot! We each see ourselves as much bigger idiots than you. :)

      But seriously, everything you are feeling in these days is normal. It’s a sign that you are suffering, though. And you need help to reach the peace that you deserve. Talk to your therapist about trauma and cognitive dissonance. The confusion you describe of having two opposing emotions (i.e., you love him and you hate him) are indicative of experiencing cognitive dissonance. And continue loving your children and growing your career. Soon you will discover a greater love for yourself which will fill that empty space you describe above. No more looking outside of yourself for absolute fulfillment. :)

      Namaste! Peace to you Anonymous!

    • Thank you Paula, I truly appreciate your reply. I am feeling like I am suffering, and after reading more stories, I find I am like many others, left wanting answers. Why did I let myself get so far into the relationship knowing how bad it was? He told me time and time again he could never love anyone like he loved me, he couldn’t live without me and I believed him, he begged me to help him and I wanted to help. And now I am the one left feeling lost and alone. I just don’t understand. And funny thing is,, I don’t hate him, I hate the things he did to me, I know they were awful, I hate the way he hurt me and the emotional stress I feel now, but I don’t hate him. He had a way of making sure I saw things from his perspective and that it was my fault that he did some of the bad things he did. It’s been over a year and I just wish my mind could let go of all of this. I know it will take time, I just wish that time would come.

      thank you again so much.

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Sorry you have had to deal with this trauma. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it takes much time to come to terms with the way these people live and operate. I have been separated from my husband two year since we were together again for a minute..I was married 17 years and i don’t know how i lived with my eyes open / but closed at the same time. I am studying to become a therapist and this narcissistic behavior and disorder is very interesting and destructive. I knew his mom was this long ago …he seemed to get worse as time when on or I just became fed up , not sure..Hey he was true to me for 11 years ..he thought that was very admirable of him. Anyway he lost and his kids do not talk to him…still hard to believe somedays I am alone and raising my 15 yr old alone…though I do have peace…my other son’s are now grown..and good men thanks to him. Yes, he does have a girlfriend when he saw I would not be with him again..tried to keep both..she was someone …he dated a couple times 30 yrs ago…really? she left her two teen daughters with her ex boyfriend to be with my husband…we are not divorced yet and live together in my town..Don’t worry just like you said …they may seem happy…though I will not have any contact with him…but they aren’t ..he like your ex is the same ..and he will act and do the same to her as he did to you and same with my soon to be ex. I just think it is amazing we were together that long…most relationships with these people do not last..though I probably kept it together..I used to tell him he seemed to be married to himself…think I was correct.

      Anyway sorry to ramble…just focus on you and your kids and your will find someone when you are supposed to and you will be that much smarter. I am 54 and am not sure if I want to find someone…though I probably do ..if they can live up to expectations.. time will tell. Take care and know people are always here to help and listen. You Can Do It !!

    • Thank you overcome, I already feel better after reading more from you and others. I have been in a trance for a few years and it’s time to snap out of it. I know this. I know I have to heal and I know that time will come for me. Thank you

    • Hello Anonymous, I’m so pleased you’re reaching out and seeking support. Being heard and validated is essential to our recovery. No-one who has been a victim of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse will ever think you’re stupid. We’ve all been there, feeling ‘stupid’ for being so gullible! This is an excellent website, Paula’s book is brilliant and you will receive all the help and support you need, but may I also suggest that you read PSYCHOPATH FREE (or download the Kindle version). This has become my bible! They also have their own website where you can join thousands of other survivors and begin your healing journey. You are FREE now! My thoughts are with you x

    • Yes. That’s a great site. You’ve reminded me that I need to create a resource page of places online and other books. Thank you, Handling-it! :)

    • “He has moved on with someone else. From what I know of her, she is a nice person, single mom, good job, etc. He has been with her over a year and I can’t help but think maybe he has changed, and if he has changed why couldn’t he do that for me?”

      This one is easy. No, he hasn’t changed. No way. It’s hard for “normal” people to make even small changes in their behavior–it can take years–and that’s if these people are extremely self-aware, empathetic, and motivated. Sociopaths and narcissists are none of these things–and research indicates they are basically incapable of change. I had a boyfriend who was a (much) less extreme version of your guy. After a three-year split, he tried to rekindle our relationship. I let him in as a friend–and it seemed that he had indeed changed. But it took a few months to see that he was exactly the same. The only thing that changed was that he realized the value of what he had lost. But he still lied, although he prided himself on telling me when he lied (sometimes–other times he just completely denied it, in the face of overwhelming–even laughable–evidence to the contrary; and sometimes he’d forget he had acknowledged a lie–and would deny it again)–as if acknowledging this was “progress.” And when he realized that I wasn’t going to give him the relationship he said he wanted, he began treating me with contempt/disdain (so as to prove to himself he wasn’t losing anything of value). We are no longer friends.

      I will say this: it’s perfectly okay to still feel love for your guy. You loved him. It’s as simple as that. We don’t choose who we love. And it’s quite possible that he actually is doing the best he can. If sociopaths truly are incapable of change, then perhaps we should have some compassion for them (which is not to say we should let them into our lives or let them manipulate or abuse us). He probably has some positive traits that you need to cultivate more in yourself. I fell in love with my guy partly because he was charming, funny, and a wonderful writer. I realized that, more than anything, I had these traits deep inside myself–and wanted to cultivate them more. The attention your guy gave you–in the times he made you feel special–you need to give to yourself. You are more than worth it. The more you cultivate yourself, the more your self-esteem will grow–and the more you’ll naturally be attracted to guys who honor the esteem you hold for yourself. It will come–but it will take time. Be patient. Take time to wallow. Write in your journal. And then do something–anything–you love to do. And keep doing these things. They will help distract you from him and help you realize your worth. At that point, it won’t matter to you if he’s in a successful relationship with someone else. But I can guarantee you that he’s NOT.

    • There is a book called women who love sociopaths. It is great, it analyzes why the hold of a sociopath or psychopath is so strong. On top of that you are a great writer, and I think you could write novels your writing is so fine. Really. And if it gets a little too truthful, change names and identifying characteristics, like a man you know fooled around on you for six years, just say, put down four. And instead of a plumber, an electrician. And anyway, he won’t remember because his line of reasoning is it was never his fault, if he read the book he wouldn’t even know it was about him, even if you quoted paragraphs of what he said. I imagine if you did write about him, many people would think it imaginative fiction. I have published two books about my life, taking poetic license wherever I want to–it is art, and sometimes fiction communicates that better than truth. Hey, I would buy anything you published, because your wring is that good. Anyway, so far I have not been sued.

    • Thank you, Katie. I did write my story as fiction and just referred to him as “the boy”. Hehe! He just laughs and tells people, “My crazy ex wrote a story about a sociopath whose childhood resembles my own.” They really are clueless. Are your books available to share and read?

  124. I came across this site doing more research on the antisocial personality disorder. I’m pretty sure my husband has this and we even saw a psychologist, of his pick, at one point but she surprisingly took his side on everything.
    We are going through a divorce which he is not making easy. We were married for about two years. When I met him, I thought he was very different. He seemed like such a good person and everyone loved him. He was charming, outgoing, and always the life of the party. He cheated on me early on in the relationship and I eventually forgave him and we got back together. During the course of our marriage we got custody of his kids. I was the main caretaker for them since he worked later hours. I put up with him lying, probably cheating, trashing me to people, going out drinking most nights, and barely spending time with his kids. There were a couple times were he started arguments then became physical such has pushing me down or choking me.
    One night he took my keys and phone away from me and wouldn’t let me out of the bedroom. That was probably the most helpless I’ve ever felt. And when I gave up on trying to get out, I sat on the bed and cried and he just looked at me and asked why I was crying.
    He had many single female friends who he went out drinking with and would call and text but he would delete the messages. He always insisted that they were just friends so even though it made me uncomfortable, I was just being dramatic or stupid, and he refused to back off from any of the relationships. He even continued to be “friends” with the one girl that he did admit to cheating on me with.
    Eventually I found out that he’d used my social security number to open utilities in my name, which he wasn’t paying, and also had applied for two different loans. His reasoning? We talked about it. Yes we did. I said absolutely the bills were going to be in his name, due to his financial irresponsibility and my inability to contribute to the bills. So if he didn’t pay them, I wouldn’t be able to. He said we must have just had a misunderstanding.. And the loans? He didn’t do that (he said). Once we split the last time, he refused to pay the bills he’d opened in my name. He said I needed to realize that he didn’t have to pay them because they were in my name. He also told me that he did that just so he could leave me stuck with them if he decided he needed to.
    On top of that, as I was leaving, he called his previous ex-wife to tell her that he had kicked me out because I had been mean to their children. This is also what he told all of his friends and acquaintances. I actually left due to the choking incident. And while we were married, we had so many arguments because he never wanted to spend time with his kids but he would tell me that he spent plenty of time with them. One went to work with me and the other would come after school and I took them both home with me and did homework, dinner, baths, everything. They went with their mom one weekend and the other weekend my husband would send them to his moms so he could go out drinking.
    He also let me know that I wasn’t contributing anything because I didn’t pay bills. This was something we specifically talked out before I moved in with him. He was very aware that I wasn’t in a position to help with bills. But apparently watching his kids wasn’t any kind of contribution either. He told me it “wasn’t a big deal” that I took care of two kids that I did not birth.
    He’s also started two or three different business. Eventually he gets tired of them. The last one was all about throwing parties which put him right in the spotlight. He loved it. And he could go out every night and say he had to promote for an upcoming party.
    So, like I said, we’re getting divorced but he still contacts me between girlfriends, or during, who knows. He says things like he still loves me and he’ll never love anyone else like me. He wants to work things out. I need to move with him. But he’s still doing all the things he did while we were married. And I the last time I left was the third time I think. He wasn’t able to change to save his marriage and yet hes been promising change this whole time. I’m trying to make myself give up hope. I start to feel okay when I don’t talk to him even though I miss that pretend person, the good one. Then I get a call from him. And I can only ignore it so long. Luckily he’s moved very far away so I don’t have to worry about seeing him much.
    Sorry, I know this got pretty long and it’s all over the place. I read some of the stories and thought I’d share mine.

    • Rose,

      No need to apologize. Thank you for your willingness to share. Outside of the actual people and children, your story could be mine and so many other’s. I wish psychiatrists and counselors had better training and awareness of the manipulations and red flags of language used by these types. Instead, they just hear complaints and pity-party stories as if they’re coming from a remorseful and caring spouse concerned about his spouse’s behavior. Makes me wonder if these professionals can really spot trauma in a person who has been acted upon by sociopaths, too. One day maybe. One day. :)

    • We only tried one psychologists before I’d made up my mind to leave but she seemed to support the idea that a wife supports whatever her husband does. So even if I brought up something he undeniably did wrong, she just didn’t comment on it… not even close to my beliefs

    • Rose, I read your message here and I thought I was reading something that I had written…… is all so similar to what I am going through. No children involved directly thank goodness.
      A major difference is that I was married for 27 years to my best girlfriend’s cousin. It is going to get messy and in reading your message I see similarities in him ‘borrowing money’, creating debt in my name and then laughing after refusing to pay what he owes, the girl ‘friend thing’ and the lies, lies, lies.
      Did ‘yours’ ever pay for any of the bills? Did you go to court? Results? We share heartbreak even though we don’t know each other.

    • It took months but he did end up paying back the bills but I had to agree to pay half of them just to get anything. I’ve recently heard that he took his only real friend for a lot more money. We never did go to court although it took him about 8 months to sign the divorce papers and honestly I’m not positive that he did since thats coming from him and I can’t get a return call to confirm it for whatever reason..

    • Wow. Thanks for your story Rose. I feel like I’m reading my own. I’ve been separated from my husband for a year, and although we live on opposite sides of the country, we still text on a daily basis. I know it’s not good for me because it keeps me in a constant state of confusion…and guilt. But as long as I’m in agreement with him, then I can continue to believe I’m dealing with that exciting, charming, passionate man I first fell in love with. But if I disagree. WHOA! Hold on to your hat! He will blast my phone with the most God awful things that NO person should EVER say to someone else, no matter how much they may have hurt or upset you. When I first met him I was married, in fact still technically a newly wed as I had been married for less than 3 months. But when I first met him at a Halloween party (with nothing but a loin cloth and horns on his head), I immediately thought “Oh my God. What have I done? This guy is the ONE!” Yeah, that whole love at first site thing? I had it. I fell hook, line, and sinker. I even went to bat for him with CPS over some conflict with his ex-wife (red flag, one of many I ignored…and still sometimes justify). I also helped raise his three kids. They did not live with us, but I was the one who took care of them when the visited. I even made an effort to visit them or have them out to stay with me when my husband was deployed. All because I felt it is important for kids to have a relationship with their father and I thought that by staying involved with them, even if he wasn’t there, might help them feel more connected to him. Lord, can you say codependent? When he was home and we had the kids, I felt even more isolated, unsupported, and unappreciated then I did when he was gone. He would get completely hammered and I would have to deal with the kids all by myself while daddy was on a binge (sometimes for days as a part of his pre-deployment jitters, or depression over losing a friend. Don’t get me wrong. His work is hard and he’s had to deal with losing more than a few buddies. But it’s also the nature of his work and drinking yourself into oblivion and verbally, and sometimes physically, assaulting your wife is not a way of handling it). When we did see a therapist, she took his side. He is Navy special forces (You know how you can tell a Navy SEAL in a bar? He’ll tell you). I actually asked our therapist, at an individual visit if she thought he fit the bill for narcissism. She read through her DSM-IV and decided that since he had actually achieved a lot simply by definition of his career, that he was not. This past year has been the longest most painful year of my life. We split right after my 40th birthday (which was a big deal to me and yet he planned a major event for himself months in advance that took place ON my birthday. He even racked up a mountain of credit card debt because of it and left that with me as a part of our separation agreement…an agreement that I felt seemed unfair however I could never explain why as everything he said made me feel guilty so I just accepted it). It all seems so clear to my family and friends, who can frequently see things better being on the outside. We have a 7 year old daughter together and she LOVES her daddy. In fact she just told me the other day that “daddy gives her everything she wants”. I call him the “Disney Dad”. He has started taking his kids on special father/daughter or father/son trips, taking them somewhere exciting (like his 14 yr old daughter to NYC and his 12 year old son to Astronaut camp). Must be nice to not have to deal with any of the real life, day to day happenings then swoop in, fill them full of candy and gifts and, hightail it back to freedom. And the whole promiscuity thing? Let me just say, he is not a striking man. He’s very average. But not in his book. He, to this day, thinks all of my girlfriends want him. On his first deployment, he developed an extremely inappropriate relationship with a female agent and continued to text her multiple times throughout the day upon his return home. One of her texts came in while he was in the bathroom and it was in response to a text from him starting out with “Hey Beautiful Woman”. That had been his pet name for me since the beginning of our relationship. And there it was. Someone else’s name…how small and stupid I felt. He never did discontinue their “friendship”. I hope it was worth losing his entire family over. And on more than one occasion (at least 3 I can think of), he actually bought plane tickets for my girlfriends to visit us, or we met one of them in Vegas. Not only did he buy their tickets, but he also paid for everything else (meals, drinks, entertainment). He was absolutely LIVID because I didn’t make a threesome happen in Vegas. Funny, if he’s so charming, why didn’t he make it happen himself? He made me feel guilty about that for weeks. And these are my close girlfriends…like sisters. The thought of such behavior wasn’t even on my radar and was downright disgusting to me. But what a prude, selfish bitch I am for feeling that way. Wow, this post ended up being way longer than I intended. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. But once I start remembering (or allowing myself to remember) the floodgates open and all the WTF’s that have happened over the years flow back into my brain…and make me feel stupid and weak. Because I’m still hanging on. For what? An apology? That will never happen. But I keeping hoping…and waiting. And I’m exhausted…

  125. I find all of these stories enthralling because they are so similar to my own:

    We were inseparable. We had so many similar interests and loved spending all of our time together. He was my best friend, and my first love.

    He was a very talented up-and-coming chef. He wasn’t nearly the most attractive guy I’d ever dated, but he was certainly the most confident. He opened my eyes to so many new things. All of his friends worshiped him, and so did I. Always thinking love would find a way to elude me, I finally felt like this was it.

    For the next 6 years, I shared my life with a narcissistic-sociopath. Shortly after we moved in together, there was a night when he got into a ridiculous argument with a bum. I didn’t think he had too much to drink, but at the time that was the only thing that could explain such a mood swing. He cried when we got home and told that he was “no good”. I will always remember this night because a friend of mine once said “when a person tells you who they are… believe them.”

    We went through cycles of sheer bliss, to him pulling away, “needing a night out with his friends”, or even purposefully starting arguments in order to gain time away and justify all actions. He was never sorry and denied everything. I stood up for myself but felt helpless. It was either state my peace and get over it, or break-up and move out.

    When we finally did break-up, one of his friends confirmed to me that he had cheated the entire relationship “not with one, with many”. I was truly shocked. I had no idea someone could look you in the eye, tell you that they love you, know everything about you, and betray you in such an unthinkable way. It is beyond my comprehension, and I will never understand. The sickest part, the part that makes me the most ashamed, is that I went back.

    I have not seen or spoken to him in 2 years, and I finally feel safe. I finally feel like I see things for what they were, and that there is no danger of me returning to such an abusive relationship. It’s been a process; it hasn’t been easy, but believe me you can regain your life and be happy all of the time rather than a fraction of the time. In the moment, I would have never said this because I could not see my way out. But trust me, you can do it. Pour you life in to your family, your friends, your work, and most importantly yourself.

    • Thank you for sharing your honesty and encouragement. I think we all went back thinking they changed from the last time we left, learned that their behavior needed modified and would evolve beyond the manipulations and nastiness. But it’s never the case. Never. They are what they are and won’t change. They simply change the scene or the woman or the group of admirers. They never change themselves. :)

  126. Hi Paula and Keith

    Like you Keith, my father was “a narcissist/sociopath who had a devastating effect on all the kids in the family.”

    I’m only in contact with one of my four sibs these days and he lives overseas.

    No-one wants to know about narcissism and I’ve been accused of being obsessed with it.

    I’ve realised (through many hard lessons) that I can’t change or make things better within my family. I’ve let go of my illusions too – seeing my sibs for who they really are, not what I’d like them to be.

    Denial seems to be part of the fabric of NPD families. Maybe try to stop wanting acknowlegement from your mother. YOU know the truth. “Know what you know.”

    She probably wants to live in fantasyland cos she can’t deal with the guilt of knowing what she put you, your sibs and herself through.

    You’ve been through enough.

    I wish you a long, happy narc-free life!


    • Hi Mish – yes, the biggest problem amongst society is denial – but you know what “strength is where knowledge and acceptance is – but we need to go on – we can not allow that people’s demons to become ours -

  127. Dear Paula,

    Thank you very much for this. My wife and I have been “stalked” by a sociopath for the past 18 months, making our lives completely miserable. We have never met this man but know a huge amount about him. He comes from a large wealthy family. He was like a parasite to his parents, whilst his other brothers worked hard. His own Father shot him in frustration. Then when his father died he sued his siblings to get an unfair proportion of the estate. Now he is focusing on us… we were on the board of the housing association of a condominium, where he owns units. Seemingly he was never happy with anything we did and finally sued the whole board of directors. His own tenants were unruly, with 40 or 50 people entering and leaving his units at all times of the night. My wife confronted the tenant only to have this sociopath (the owner) sue her again, this time for harassment.

    We have now left the building and live in another place, we only visit there to tend to our business (we own a number of units we lease out).

    Our lawyer told us that the sociopath wants money from us as compensation since we let our units out privately, and his are in the coop. He claims we have taken business from the coop and therefore we owe him.

    I have spoken with one of his brothers who confirmed my worst fears, that he is a Narcissistic Sociopath. The brother gave me a book, written by this fellow, a kind of autobiography designed to destroy his siblings… apparently he would leave copy in the Church pews.

    In this book, he confirms that he spent nearly three years in hospital for mental problems… he says depression.

    He confirms that he is very promiscuous and is almost proud of it.

    He confirms that his marriage was a total failure and lasted only a few years.

    He says that his own father was a Narcissist

    He talks a lot about revenge and how you can exact it upon your enemies, including shooting them.

    He says he made CEO at a young age (boastfully), but in reality this was one of many family businesses… so he never really earned the position.

    We know for a fact that he owns a lot of weapons and always carries an automatic.

    We are both very scared of this person who is out of control.

    I am thinking of passing his delightful autobiography to a psychiatrist for their opinion of this person… mine is already made up… he is barking mad!

    We won the first court battle against him, and it’s looking like the second will go our way too… so we have to decide if we counter sue or not.

    Sorry for the rant but I had never even come across the term Narcissistic Sociopath until our paths crossed with this unsavory character.



    • I’m very confused about this post. It says the stalker’s father shot him in frustration….does that not eliminate your problem with this man?

      Confused in Alabama

    • Richard / G: Never judge someone whom you’ve never met. Never take the word of someone else (in this case, his brother) as the gospel truth. This ‘alleged’ narcissist / sociopath may have some ‘issues’ but seeing as you’ve never met him in person, it is wrong to go around labelling! Just saying…..

    • Anon–You can shoot someone without killing them.
      Richard: This man sounds like he has a host of mental disorders–perhaps bipolar, and borderline personality. Not sure if he’s a textbook sociopath, however. Good luck to you.

  128. I am sorry for my mention of that persons name in my post. I intended no harm nor anger toward her.

    • She’s not upset with you. Not at all! She simply realized her name was appearing in a Google search and asked me to delete comments with her name. I deleted her comments and then edited her name out of yours. :)

  129. I cannot believe how many people are suffering. As Paula knows my wife is a Sociopath, as is her Father. May kids were stolen from me nearly 4 months ago. This is about to end. Italian law!!! I can justify how much damage a Sociopath can wreak in any life. However to respond to previous posts my late Dad suffered from Aspergers and in my opinion mainly it was he who suffered the most than anyone else in the family. I cannot see bringing a Sociopath and an Aspergers sufferer into the same blog as applicable. There is no comparison for me.

    • Hey Justin. You are absolutely right. Sociopaths and an Aspergers should not be put into the same category. They are polar opposites. Speaking from my own personal experience and from hearing lots of other survivor stories on narcissistic abuse recovery forums, sociopaths, including my ex, played the “It’s not my fault. I think I might have aspergers” card they do this to get away with their behaviour. So that we won’t cotton on to the truth about them. So that we feel sorry for them. My ex also told me his housemate thought he might be bi-polar. I read up on aspergers and those who suffer from it really do suffer. They have a conscience. They can be tactless at times but the one thing that stood out more than anything is that they cannot help but tell the truth. That is why they can come across as being tactless or thoughtless whereas sociopaths are pathological liars. It is cruel for sociopaths to say they have aspergers because it gives those with aspergers a bad name. I am so sorry to hear about your father Justin.

    • I hope the Italian law is allowing it to end in favor of you being with your children, Justin. I didn’t address the woman’s claim that her husband has Aspergers because it does seem out of place here. Thanks for chiming in. :)

    • My father was a narcissist/sociopath who had a devastating effect on all the kids in the family.This was a man who could be alternatively charming and abusive.He would make a point of charming the neighbors,relatives and strangers while at home he could go on to these rants and tirades and because he was high energy (or manic) these would sometimes last for days! He never apologized for any of these “crazed” attacks he made on us and I think what was or seemed worse was that our mother went along with and seemed to justify his abusive behaviors or give them a legitimacy? Strange too because she was one his main and reliable targets or victims to unleash his abuse on.Though in many ways over the years he continually tried to discredit,belittle and even destroy her but she stood by him faithful and true! This is what I still can’t understand the fact that my mom never stood up for us or for herself against this sick man, instead she just played along and looked on as we all got emotionally tortured and abused.When you’re a kid it’s very confusing when you’re being abused by one parent and the other parent doesn’t come to your aid. My mom denies any of the abuse and still insists her husband was a wonderful man.What am I missing?

    • Keith, I am sorry you lived this. What you are missing are the private threats he inflicted on her. He probably threatened to either kill her, himself or the entire family if she spoke up.

      More importantly, you missed what he did to her and her sense of self-worth before you were born. Your mother was probably like many of the women and men who find themselves with these people–highly empathic, caring and loyal. Her nature wouldn’t allow her to believe he was purely evil and no good. She wanted the man back that she fell in love with. She held out hope he would stop being angry and cruel. Your father belittled her and shamed and blamed her for every little thing that went wrong in the family. Then once the children were born, you received blame, relieving her of some of her blame. In a sense, you became her saving grace and her witnesses.

      She probably came from the mindset believing that children needed their fathers regardless of how disturbed the father was/is. These are the societal pressures she endured on top of all the pressures and shame and blame your father inflicted.

      One of the goals of this blog and blogs like it is to make women and men aware that no matter what the narc/sociopath says to you, none of it is true. You and your children are far better off without being abused and affected by these pathological types. Being without them is better than enduring them. It’s not an easy concept/realization to accept because we, as non-pathologicals with remorse and empathy and a conscience, we can’t fathom abandoning a person for being the person he can’t help but being.

      But we must save ourselves and our children. That should always be our first and only goal. Namaste!

  130. Like I said…you are in DENIAL. Please go get some therapy. Open your eyes. He is fooling you and you are laying yourself out like a lamb to slaughter. We have all been there and thats why we are here. You are truly in the depths of mental sickness right now. Punishing others and blaming others…is NOT healthy. You really should get away, get therapy and get your head clear.

    • I’m thinking I’d like to start my own blog. Can anyone tell me how this is done? I haven’t got a clue. Is there a way to start a blog for free?

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • This blog is free through WordPress. Blogger is also a free platform through Google/gmail. :)

    • Thank you, Paula. Now I need to figure out a title for it.

    • Let us know when you get started. I am definitely interested in learning more about your experience and journey. :)

    • Do take care with that. Even if you’re anonymous (which I’d advise), your ex-N can still find it. I’ve seen it time and again on these blogs: somehow the ex gets tipped off and starts reading it. The free blogging platforms make it hard to block problem readers, but this can be done easily if you host it yourself.

    • Nyssa,
      Thank you for your information. I’m not certain what you mean, however. I’m creating a blog that is different than this one. My ex is free to read whatever he’d like to read. I don’t think he’d take the time, though.

    • Okay. It all depends on your own needs for the blog. :)

    • Hey Terry, whilst I agree that Victoria is very much in denial and it is far easier to punish and blame the real victim, her identity may have already been fully eroded after so many years spent with him and she may not even be aware that she is participating in the ‘gas-lighting tango’. Even the most successful and intelligent business-woman can be tricked. If her partner is more narcissistic than sociopathic, then his ultimate aim will be to completely destroy her. How long he continues to need her for ‘narcissistic supply’ in the meantime will depend on what benefits she is giving him. It may be financially beneficial, for ‘status and image’, any number of things. They all need and have a ‘main player’ (the one they go back to, the one they triangulate with other women) and it sounds as if Victoria is perfect for him, in the sense that perhaps she will always forgive, look the other way and won’t want to know about any affairs he has (and all narcissists cheat….. repeatedly…. rinse/repeat cycle). Even better for him if she can punish and abuse the other woman/women on his behalf. What I have learnt is this: It doesn’t really matter what she is (his Enabler in denial or another pathological type) she has to be considered as equally dangerous as him! Until she leaves him (if she ever does) and the fog begins to lift and she comes to the painful realisation of who he truly is, she is not going to listen to any of us. From my experience of being intimately involved with someone who most definitely would be diagnosed as a ‘Narcissistic Sociopath’ I know how easy it is when they love-bomb you and how they keep you walking on egg-shells at the same time (the constant mean/sweet cycle) and I know how difficult it is to think clearly and to see anything but good in the man. That being said, I am an Empath and I am 90% sure that if I was in Victoria’s shoes, I would not have participated in harming the ‘homewrecker’ further by running to the police and threatening her and hacking into her facebook account. I just can’t see myself doing that, despite the fact that my identity was also eroded and all that mattered was him. She does indeed sound like his Enabler and these types make a formidable team. They are non-negotiating and unreasonable. They will hack your account (facebook for instance) stalk, harass, coerce, threaten, bully, create smear campaigns and use the authorities such as the police (to keep the victim silent)…… so my advice to any victim/survivor is to document everything, keep all evidence and go ‘No Contact’. I think we’ve all made the mistake of trying to get answers and closure and some of us, like myself, have realised that doesn’t work. All you end up with are threats with legal action. They will accuse you (the real victim) of the very things they are doing (harassment/stalking etc) and they will push and push and push with the intention (the ultimate goal) of destroying you further. Never feed a crocodile (or two). Not sure how to do a smiley face on here, but have a lovely day x

    • Thank you, Handling It. I too know what it’s like to be accused of abuse just for seeking answers. I know what it’s like to keep asking and asking to the point of losing my mind because answers never come. These types of people (narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths) eventually destroy the logical and healthy-wired minds of everyone they come into contact. I am extremely relieved to finally see the destruction can be mended but, as you note, takes first starting with no contact and then letting go of ever getting the answers you deserve. Once we do that, we free our minds to discover our peace. Namaste! :)

    • I can’t delete another commenter’s comment, but I will remove the reference to your name. :)

    • Hey Paula, yes to be accused of abuse (from the abuser) just for seeking answers is mind-blowing, as is losing your mind because answers never come. It’s debilitating and I think that’s why so many of us suffer from PTSD afterwards. We’re left in such a confused state of mind! At first, we only know we don’t feel right. Our minds are full of conflicting thoughts. We want and need answers to try and make sense of it all. So that we can move on with our lives. So that we can stop feeling so unwell. PTSD, as you know yourself, is excruciatingly painful, both psychologically and physically. Some don’t survive. They commit suicide or have heart attacks and even when we do somehow survive, the brain can take a long time to heal itself because it’s been so traumatised. It can take even longer to heal if you are having to deal with legal threats and stalking etc long after the narcissist/sociopath/psychopath has gone from your life and I think that’s one of the reasons as to why our anger is so delayed. You’re so right…. narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths do eventually destroy the logical and healthy-wired minds of everyone they come into contact with. We will never get the answers we deserve (and we DO deserve answers) but what we deserve more than anything, is to lead a normal and healthy life, free from drama, chaos and toxicity. High-conflict types, such as narcissists and sociopaths and other controlling types are not allowed in my world now. I had no idea, as with yourself and many other survivors, that’s what they were – ‘high conflict’ and ‘disordered’ and now that I do know (because I have started to create healthy boundaries and I listen to my intuition a lot more and can see the red flags) I am on to a better and healthier life. Takes time, it’s not easy, the transformation of ‘Self’ means looking inwards at your own past behaviour too, but the ultimate reward will be well worth the road travelled. Namaste Paula :)

  131. Paula yes you’re right. As an abuser she will not listen or change. We shall let our lawyer deal with this. Or the police as she really needs to be formally cautioned. Harassment and smearing us is a criminal offence as she will soon find out. Thanks for the tip and we will ignore her and let the police and lawyers deal with her.

    • Victoria,

      Aspergers ,,,really..I am sorry I have been there where you are defending the narcissist, to him it is always someone elses fault…whose fault was it that he allowed himself to be seduced for 4 yrs…a bit much. As Paula, Anon, and Terri said your eyes will be opened eventually and you will see you have just wasted your time. I is so hard to believe, but it is true and it will be true. He is the problem, not you , not the other person(though her morals need some adjusting). He lies, like my ex and believes the lies which leads others to believe. Please listen to people on this site..they know what they are talking about.

    • Jumping in on this one! Ruth – I agree with everything you wrote except for one thing. I do not believe that the other woman’s morals need some adjusting in the sense that we do not have her to tell us HER side of the story. Sorry but you may have inadvertently given Victoria more ammunition to punish this woman by saying that. If she is anything like my ex’s enabler she will jump on that and see it as FACT. It is clear from all of Victoria’s comments that she ignores anything REAL and only continues to comment on what is beneficial for HER….. but who is it ultimately beneficial for? HIM. It’s all for HIM (he who wishes to remain in the shadows). No doubt Victoria would have been rewarded greatly for punishing this poor woman (flattery, grooming, gifts etc) whilst he sits back and can play the poor victim role. It is nothing more than ‘abuse by proxy’. Sorry if this sounds really angry but I needed to vent as I have been in a very similar situation to the other woman. She was the 3rd player in the ‘triangulation’ just as I was. That much is clear. We don’t know this other woman and I for one do not wish to label her as someone whose morals need adjusting. We do not know the full facts! Sorry….. really needed to vent that one.

    • Your right Gail,,,I thought about that as I , but not enough. I know the feeling to blame the other woman if she was not in the dark (which I have witnessed). But in this instance true all we know is that he obviously fooled her also, and for all we know she knew nothing of his relationship with Victoria. Sorry I did not write that to have Victoria..keep going on the same path, but just wanted to wake her up to the facts everyone is trying to help her with. I guess my old hurts may have shown by being judgemental of the other woman. Thanks for setting me straight…please read this Victoria ..and only look at your husband he is not an innocent, forget about this other woman, which there are probably many more.and help yourself.

  132. I haven’t followed EVERY posts but I HAVE to respond to this anonymous person with the cheating husband who supposedly has “Aspergers”. Everything you are saying…the way you are acting…is EXACTLY what a “source” of a Narcissist would do. Defend them,make excuses for them….hunny…you are in DENIAL and one day you will finally see and feel like such a fool. I wish you luck…you’re going to need it.

    • I am only defending him because he, not she, is the victim. she abused him and we need her punished. He has been honest with me and told me he has aspergers but was too ashamed to tell me. I believe him. He made a mistake by allowing this home-wrecker back for coffee and that is where she seduced him and she continued for the next 4 years. He thought he was in love with her but then she started to get weird and crazy and he found it hard to end it. I think she might have bi-polar or manic depression on top of being a sociopath and that is why she is ‘slurring’ us.

    • Victoria.. I have been married for four years. With my husband for six. I am very strong , independent , and definitely was very cautious when dating as I had a child. My husband pegged his ex as this crazy woman that was married before him , divorced because of craziness, dirty, lazy, alcoholic,etc. I believed him because her actions towards me seem to support his ideas and thoughts of her. The way he treated me was unreal. All my friends were jealous of the I had met. I ended up getting pregnant. One week before I had my daughter, I found out he had cheated on me with not only his ex( telling her he wish he wouldn’t have screwed up and still loved her.), but another chic. He swore they were lying and just jealous and then proposed by that Christmas eve. One year after marriage ” it ” started. He didn’t like my family .didn’t like my friends. Would rip on strangers. Would constantly accuse me of cheating, even when he knew I d be at work. He lashes out every three months causing a lot of emotional stress on me and my two children. Fortunately for his two, the live with their mom. Currently I am stuck dealing with this abuse every three months and it gets worse every time. The kids could say something and he will turn it into something bad towards me and embellish everything. I found out the entire person I thought I knew, dated and married is a lie. His past with wife, his interests, parenting, all of it lies. He lies to family about our situation and makes me look crazy just like ex. And they believe him because there is no one else in our house but kids to witness. My parents have heard him speak to me and have seen his actions as well as housed me and my two kids in terrible days, including today, please.. they are what they are because they are good at making you believe what they are saying. I am trying to get out before I go insane but he threatens to hurt himself or lie and take my kids..its bad.. and as bergers?.. his son has.. totally different. You just don’t see the evil until too late.

    • It is quite possible to have Aspergers @ a high or low functioning level & also be a Sociopath, or Narcissist, or all 3. Having Aspergers is not a license to act without empathy. Since many adults are diagnosed as ‘;Aspies’ via self diagnosis or guess work on the part of a social worker, Quite a number of people can/may use Aspergers as an excuse to act without conscience.
      High Functioning Aspies are often have very high intelligence, in some cases they are in the genius level..They do experience remorse when they have hurt or offended someone, even if they are not clear how they hurt or offended them.

      Misunderstanding a physical cue like, “I find you sexually desirable” should Not lead to an affair. There is plenty of time to say, “No thanks. when the person’s intentions become clear as they must, when physical intimacy is attempted. I feel that Victoria is fooling herself, & is being fooled by her cowardly husband..

    • I’m right there with you, Pennyfarthing.

    • if you need to know about sociopaths just ask am one well is what I am

  133. Anonymous, my partner is not a coward. he has aspergers and he says things he doesn’t mean sometimes. it’s not his fault. this woman seduced him and manipulated him and that is a fact. We have moved on with our lives and we are very happy. We only want to have this woman punished before she tells lies about us on her blog. I have just threatened her again with the police but she doesn’t reply. giving us the silent treatment is typical of sociopaths or narcissists. There is no point in replying or posting any more comments on here as we are not being believed except by one person. we were looking for compassion not criticism. Victoria.

    • Victoria, It’s difficult to be compassionate. You are asking to support you by helping you to “punish” this woman. Most people who come to this blog seek help with understanding and moving past the pain. They don’t ask for help to smear and punish their abuser. It’s generally pointless because abusers never learn. So regardless who the abuser is in your case, seeking others to help punish another simply perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Ignore this woman. If what she says is truly all lies, you have nothing to worry about.

  134. To anonymous, I don’t need to give the home-wrecker an opportunity to be heard. I have heard enough. We just want to move on with our lives and we want her to disappear. that includes not spreading malicious lies. it is harassment. telling me about the affair in the first place was harassment. I told her I didn’t want to know about it and to just move on with her life and for revenge she has been emailing my partner who is the victim and telling him he’s a narcissist and sociopath. I act as the go-between because he needs help in getting rid of this woman. She is sneaky too. She handed in emails and texts to the police and she managed to clear her name from the harassment case. God knows what she told them but next time she won’t be as lucky because the letter she receives will be from our lawyer. We are now thinking she probably has a bad past because she is an alcoholic and a drug user. It’s very sad for her but she can’t go ruining our lives. Thank you to the other ‘anonymous’ who agreed with us, that she won’t be believed and for us to hold our heads up high.

    • Victoria,
      If you want to move on, you should not be on this site. She has a right to her own opinion, and to deal with her own hurt as she sees fit. Your partner is not a victim…sorry. He was obviously an enthusiastic participant in deceiving you if she was in your home having sex with him….unless of course she broke in and raped him. You need to be honest with yourself. Did you ask your partner to see his Facebook account? My guess is either you didn’t, or he told you that you were being paranoid, which is typical of the type of man you are describing.

      She was not harassing you by telling you of the affair. If she honestly believed he loved her she was likely heartbroken. People with broken hearts sometimes do rash things.

      If you are “prominent members of the community” you must have enough money to let your lawyer deal with her. If indeed she is harassing you, let him/her do their job and let your pretty little head rest.

      Everything you have put in your posts leads me to believe that she is the one who has been abused, and harassed. Leave her alone. You have no right to be trying to contact her, and you certainly have no right to be hacking into her Facebook.

      I would love to know what your partner has to say about all this. If he is anything like my ex, he is too cowardly to deal with it, preferring to talk behind people’s backs rather than facing them himself. This is typical of a narcissist.

      Take care Victoria. I do honestly believe you are being used and manipulated by your partner.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • Victoria, I am currently being ‘slagged; around the neighbourhood,possibly because I Didn’t have a fling with a person with similar problems. (At least I Think ? that’s what the problem is.) Who knows? I have to ask, & that would break my “No Contact’ rule.

      I’ve dealt with vindictive gossip before by simply being myself. I don’t drink, do drugs, or sleep around, but hey, who ever let the truth get in the way of some juicy gossip? I may have been selected as a target simply because if enough idiots say the same things enough times,it becomes ‘truthy’.

      In the past calendar year, I’ve dealt with a lot of harassment in various forms.
      I can’t prove for sure who is responsible for all of it, but I have witness’ for some of it. I have documented incidents for quite some time now.

      IMHO, this isn’t the work of a high or low functioning Aspie. This is Something else -perhaps a group effort to save face or reputation? Maybe just a very persuasive weird individual with a group of enablers? I got treated like this because I’m Not a mover & shaker. I’m not wealthy, & I’m not influential . Sort of like the person that you want to punish

      All I know is after reading your posts, I am Completely Disgusted with you, & your husband! Do you even know for sure, or have actual proof that Anything actually happened? Did both parties admit to an affair? Could it be a revenge lie made up by your husband to get @ both you & this ‘other woman’?

      Socio/Narcs do things like that just to hurt people! They like to see the $#!T hitting the fan & flying in all directions. Then they sit back & laugh.

    • They’d rather watch someone frantically search for a balance and answers they will never find.

  135. Nope. I don’t think you’re going to get much sympathy from anyone who’s had to deal with a narcissistic sociopath. All this emphasis on your rank, status,… The Facebook hacking… I fail to see how this woman telling the world she had an affair with your husband is going to bring down your house of cards. If she’s the nutcase, those around you will soon realise it and pay her little attention. Stop the drama, hold your head up, act with integrity, and move on with your life.

  136. Hi Paula, I can tell you now that ‘that woman’ has not been emotionally abused. It is us who have been abused. I am not acting as a go between. We are partners and he is severely depressed with all her accusations. I have given her closure – so why does she need it again from my partner? We have nothing to fear Paula, we just don’t want this woman to ruin our lives by telling lies about him. How do you know she is not narcissistic or bi-polar? You don’t know her. and she must be because she has all the traits you list. I am not in denial. We just want to carry on with the rest of our lives. Anything we say to her, she just doesn’t listen. She doesn’t even bother to reply now and she has changed her phone number. But we know she is working on her blog and she has joined a community called Psychopath Free and then we did and she is saying such awful lies about what happened to her. It is so awful. She is saying she believed it wasn’t an affair and that he lead her to believe they would be together. She is a liar. A clear cut sociopath.

    • Victoria,
      I do believe you are being abused….like “her.”

      If there is no truth to what she is saying, and you are indeed pillars of the community, you have nothing to be concerned about. Just go about your business and she will eventually go away.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • Victoria,
      You say she doesn’t respond and has changed her number. I thought you said in a previous post that her communication was unsolicited. Seems to me that you are the ones trying to communicate while she is trying to recover from what has probably been a very emotionally difficult event for her.

      Your posts are inconsistent. For a “professional” you don’t state your case very effectively.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • She’s saying lies about what happened to her? How do you know they are lies? I’m sorry, but you have been put in the middle of something and have been fed a lot of lies yourself, Victoria. I can’t help you harm someone who clearly sounds like she is the one who has been tormented. You say she is all those things on this list? How do you know? You aren’t the one who was in an intimate relationship with her. You are taking another person’s word. I do not value third-party opinions of others. They’re about as helpful as a therapist’s diagnosis. Why can’t the man who had this affair, this relationship with this woman, speak for himself?

    • Victoria,
      I have been following this entire blog for over a year as a part of my own healing process and I have never felt the need to step in and feel like I am defending myself by defending someone else until now.

      I would only guess that if I were to have the guts to ask my ex (sociopath) for answers that his wife would respond just as you are. Luckily I learned about sociopaths from a therapist and have chosen to look to myself and blogs like this for healing rather than ask him for answers.

      As a back story, my ex-boyfriend and I both work in law enforcement. He came on to me and we quickly grew to be best friends. He led me to think he was in an unhappy relationship and eventually convinced me he had left his girlfriend. We were in a relationship for seven months. We went to social functions together, vacations together and I was madly in love with me. He was everything I wanted and more. This was prior to me finding out he was not only still seeing his ex still but he was engaged! I was convinced 100% through the relationship he wasn’t living with her or even seeing her yet all along I was wrong. As part of my job, people lie to me everyday, but this man was an absolute pro and it makes me sick to even think about! He told me he was madly in love with me and we were going to start a family together. He even asked me to move in but I declined thinking he was moving too fast. When I caught him “cheating” on me, I broke it off. Less than three weeks later he was married. I ended up telling his wife about us in a very straight forward classy way and vowed to not get involved if she still wanted to be with him. She decided to stay and I truly believe she is an enabler. He will find another victim and cheat on her again yet make someone else feel they are the world to him at the same time. The truth is, I was not the “home-wrecker” but neither was she. We were both victims but I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way and never will. I feel sorry for her and over a year later, I am still trying to desperately heal and convince myself not everyone is going to treat me the same way.

      Take a step back and look at the big picture. Anyone in a healthy loving relationship wouldn’t even be stuck in this predicament. I hope the best for you but your situation sounds eerily familiar to the “other-woman” and wife in mine. I hope you see the light and understand how people like me become involved. Thank you.

    • OMG Victoria. I start feeling panicked the more I read from you, definetly anxious. It’s so scary that your not seeing what’s going on right in front you. You want to see the good in your partner. That’s a great thing. You want to feel secure with your partner, like your a team, an unstoppable force -the two of you taking on the world, there for each other. You don’t want to the truth. Actually deep deep down you know the truth. You know something’s amiss, off in your relationship, or you wouldn’t have ended up here on this blog. I’ve called my ‘partners’ sexual flings and texted them as well. First time I found out about it I was angry at the ‘other’ one my partner cheated on me with. But by the time I got around to picking up the phone and making contact with him, I had forgiven him. He didn’t know i existed. He didn’t know that he was he was a party to a cheater. He had angry words with my partner off and on for a few days after that, but he longer has anything to do with him. However my partner just moved on to the next ‘trick’ he could fool. I didn’t want to believe any of this. Its so shocking that someone, anyone, let alone the person you love and you thought loved you equally back could do this to you. It’s taken quite a bit of time and I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but Im beginning to see some light at the edge in a clearing up ahead. And it’s beginning to feel like there is hope again. I’ve been lied to. Manipulated. Arrested and put in jail for 3 1/2 days on a domestic violence charge (I was released with no record no court appearance or anything because there was no evidence). He lied to the police to get rid of me for a few days so that he could have a ‘trick’ over to get together with. But look. Stupid me, I came back yet again after the temporary restraining order expired. I’ve got severe problems of my own now, because of too much time with him. I was pretty well adjusted and my life was looking up,
      Going back to school and new car and eating healthy and all that, until I met my partner. My life had been turned upside down. Car repossessed lost my job tried killing myself ending up in psych ward for 3 day stay. I’ve been kicked out of his place 10 times at least and same # of times broken up with by him. Yet here I am still But like I said I’m beginning to care less and less about him and what he does or doesn’t do. It’s been hard to get to this point from all the brainwashing he was doing to me, playing on my trusting emphatic nature. But also taking advantage of my co-depency issues I never quite realized I had going on, in a minor way even before I met him. If you’ve really moved on and she’s changed her number, then she is TRYING to move on herself. Her words nor anyone else’s words can bring down you and your partner. Words can’t bring down institutions built on good strong healthy secure foundations. Only ones with vulnerabilities. Sincerely I hope you can wake up before its too late. But your really convincing sounding yourself. It might already be too late. And if so, I’m so sorry and sad for you. You were and still are a little girl, innocent and taken advantage of by a monster.

  137. Hello ‘anonymous’. I am not devaluing you and we have a cleaner ourselves. I am merely pointing out that we are very respected in the community and we have many, many important connections and we cannot have our reputations ruined because of this home-wrecker. She came into our home for sex! She has the audacity to say she is not the one to blame but isn’t coming into OUR home for sex cheating on me? Yes it is! I feel as though you are blaming us not her. As for the silent treatment it was the police who told us to give her the silent treatment when we opened a case of harassment against her for unwanted communication. I did NOT want to know about any of it. My partner has apologised and from the way she has been acting since (he forwards on her emails to me to prove how mad she is) I feel really sorry for him. We have been together for 14 years and he hasn’t cheated on me before and he is friends with all of his exes on facebook so what does that tell you? If he was a narcissist or sociopath as she is trying to make out then why are all his exes still friends with him? I rest my case. We think my partner might have aspergers. Victoria

    • Victoria,

      You are living in denial. He had the affair with her. You do not need to be concerned about her, you need to be concerned about him. And, I would want to have the password to his Facebook if I were you. Why are all his exes on his Facebook? I am sorry to have to say this to you, but it is the truth. You need to start facing the fact of who your partner is. She is not the problem…he is.
      Hack his Facebook and I would not be surprised if you discover his exes are not really his exes after-all. Ask for his password and see what he says.

      I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath

    • Victoria, A better question to ask yourself is Why is your partner still communicating with this woman and all his ex’s on Face Book? If he allows these women to remain friends with him on Face Book and continues to remain his victim stance, the game in which you and he and this other woman is going to continue. You are choosing to be a player as he is too, in this dramatic sitcom. If I did not know better, I would say that you and he and she and any other person caught up in this ridiculous tale were in high school and you and he were nominated for Prom king and Prom Queen.
      Your prominent status among your community is really just your way of stating that you and he are the leaders of your school’s “popular crowd”. Your head cheerleader and he is the starring quarterback with a bright future at a prestigious university on scholarship. You both come from money not to mention dysfunctional homes that reek with layers of alcoholism, addiction, abuse and denial. Both your parents including his, are the products of long lines of family dysfunctions and “dirty little secrets” by which you and he received front line training by default. This other woman “the home wrecker” is merely just another school mate, probably from a different lower social ranking group of school peers who is not from a wealthy family, is not on the cheer-leading squad, and doesn’t carry a two thousand dollar PRADA bag to school like I am sure you and your highly persuasive social-lite BFF’s carry. She may have come into your house (your relationship) for sex with your boyfriend (at his parents house) while you were at cheerleader practice one afternoon but think about it; She didn’t show up uninvited. And she have to break the front door down to get inside either. Mr. Quarterback opened that door that afternoon and showed her the way to the bedroom (most likely his parents bedroom while they were away on vacation somewhere sunny and warm). His guilt and his reputation (more likely his inability to keep his mouth shut among his locker room buddies) caught up to him and scared the shit out him when his secret little afternoon fling with the girl from the wrong side of the tracks presented itself by way teenage gossip, threatening his pop status at school, is relationship with you, Miss Prom Queen, and his promise to throw the pig skin in the pro’s. So he confessed his sinful encounter to you right after he fell to your feet, begging for forgiveness. Promising to never step out on you again, you both signed a contract in blood (Glitter Gel Pen) and vowed to make certain that the rest of the world (your high school, surrounding high schools, and your Facebook entourage) would never find out. And so, you and he are now hell-bent on keeping the focus off of you and he (at least until Prom Night has come and gone) and have made it a full time job, keeping all the negative focus on this other woman, making her out to be the abuser. Get real! Hand your boyfriend back the Dixie cup you keep his balls in, settle on that dress for that upcoming prom you and he just might be crowned at, and leave that other poor girl alone! If I am wrong and you are not a high school student with an intense obsession with your reputation at your school and a VIP Facebook page as your main line of communication in your prominent social circle; then let me say my apologies to you now, in advance. “I was miss-taken.”

  138. Hi Paula, we like your photocopied letter sent by your ex’s lawyer. This is the type of letter we need sending to the ‘home-wrecker’. She has called my partner a Sociopath as well as a Narcissist and called me his Enabler. So I think we need to have her cautioned by the police and hire a top lawyer to stop her harassment. We found out she is going to create a blog site and she has to be stopped. She cannot get away with trying to destroy our lives. We are prominent members of a high-ranking community and although we have held a meeting with neighbours and family and friends and told them she is a narcissist and a home-wrecker, we cannot allow her to destroy our lives. We are both highly professional career people and all we want to do is carry on with our lives. Why can’t narcissists just get on with their lives? She mentioned something about not having closure and being given the silent treatment and that is abuse. Can you see what we are up against here? I told her she will never get closure because she is a narcissist and to stop this talk about abuse but now we heard she is going to create a blog about her abuse. She told my partner he tried to destroy her life and she had ptsd but she is the one destroying our lives if she creates a blog. You haven’t written back to us yet and we are waiting for your reply please. Thanks. Victoria

    • Hi Victoria,
      I find your letter unclear. How can she destroy your lives if you are “prominent members of a high-ranking community?” There has to be more to the story. I’m dealing with a “prominent member of a community” who happens to be my ex, and have determined he is a narcissist and a sociopath because of the ways in which he deals with our children, enabling my son to continue using drugs by overly assisting him financially, etc. To those around, I could be the “home-wrecker” you describe, when in actual fact, what I am now beginning to say finally, is a fact. You might want to consider looking inward and see whether there is any validity to what she says.
      Just my opinion, being in the “home-wreckers” shoes.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissist.

    • Victoria,

      You are not going to like this response.

      First of all, the “cease and desist” letter I shared was FROM the sociopath’s lawyer TO me. Just to be clear, I don’t go through lawyers when I have something I can say for myself and in defense of myself. What is the purpose unless I am trying to hide something.

      I received this comment from you and the two emails you sent to me. I responded. You obviously either did not receive my response or you are in denial.

      The woman you describe is not narcissistic or bi-polar (as you mentioned in one of your emails). Her behavior is very typical of a person who has been emotionally abused.

      My advice to you is to stop being the go-between and stop thinking this other woman is the problem.

      Start asking your partner why he cheated, why he lied and why he can’t simply acknowledge this woman and her questions.

      He’s a big boy. Why is he using you and making you solve his problem? He should be able to handle it himself. All he’s doing to you is forcing you to take sides and judge a woman you don’t even know.

      The affair is over. What is it that you fear now? Or is he fearing the truth?

      I am sorry but I think you’ve been placed in a very unfair position.


    • Paula,
      I agree with you 100%! My ex does the same thing. He will never respond to my questions, even when they are involving our children (should the two parents not be discussing issues involving their children?). He always has his new wife contact me, or one of the children, to tell me what he has told them to say. It is unfair, and more clearly demonstrates to me his character, and reinforces my opinion of who he is…and helps me to heal.

      Thanks for being the voice of reason.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • For some reason your posts get under my skin, Victoria. They sound exactly like something my ex’s wife would say. First of all, saying you are “professionals” as though that is a license to devalue others who are not “professionals” is indicative of narcissistic behaviour. We are all equal, whether lawyers, or house cleaners (as I am) and deserve the same level of respect and courtesy from others.

      Secondly, you mention silent treatment. If that silent treatment is given from both yourselves, and this woman’s children, it certainly could be deemed as abusive. Everyone deserves to have their voice heard, and just because you feel you are “a prominent member of society” does not mean you are allowed to ignore the needs and opinions of others. Truthfully, the only people who even care about another’s “prominence in society” are others who are equally as shallow as yourselves.

      I’m venting here a bit. It’s just that your arrogance shines through in your posts. You might want to consider asking the “home-wrecker” what it is she is looking for. In my case, all I would like is to see my children and grandchildren from time to time. Maybe she is only wishing to have her voice heard. If you give her the opportunity to be heard, you might find she displays fewer of the negative traits you ascribe to her in your posts.

      Hopefully this gives you some food for thought.

      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

    • Victoria: When I tried to meet the person, one on one, like adults to ask Who was harassing me, hacking my computer & emails, who had photographed my car & license plates, + the car & plates of a family member while parked in my own driveway, I got him & his’ posse’. I also got labelled as ‘harassing’ him.

      I never bothered to stop to talk under those circumstances .Why would I ? He was surrounded by his friends & family. There was not going to be any sort of honest answers to some appropriate questions from me.

      The 2nd time, he refused to talk about parking outside my house in the middle of the night, flashing his headlights when he drove past my house, & more computer hacking. He wouldn’t come out & talk like a man. He just hid in his house, sicked his sister, & his G.F. on me & again called “harassment” against me.(Why didn’t his G.F. have ?’s for him about him being out very late at night?)

      No accountability from him. He is accountable to no one. He may not have been directly accountable, but I’m sure that he knew who was doing this stuff.
      Since then, I avoided all contact with him.

      Your husband is using you in the same way .Hiding behind you, after doing stuff, & pleading that he is the injured party. It’s an old trick but it’s usually done by 3 year olds on older siblings. Has your husband the mental capacity of an adult? If he does, he is accountable for his own actions !!


  139. I just come to realization I am living with a narrcisstic sociopath. My once good life is in shambles and seems there is nothing that can help it. How do you escape? Is there an exit from this Hell I’m living in? PLEASE HELP…PLEASE!

  140. Thank you for your reply Paula …and I will be getting your book…do you have it barnes & noble to download on a nook?

    Also to nmail: yes I would record him and his rants in front of him or without him knowing ..but playing it back didn’t matter ..he always erased them …no evidence. Sad…happy not to be there any more.

    • Thank you, Ruth, my book is available in all e-book formats. Here is the link to the B&N page for a Nook download:

      I honestly had to delete everything my ex sent to me after a while, from the sweet hoovering e-mails and cards to the nasty and means text accusing me of so many things. His energy was not necessary in my life and simply hindered me from moving forward. But once I started putting two-and-two together about what he was, I sent him texts and e-mails demanding answers. Not a good idea. All he did was hire a lawyer to try to get me to stop harassing him!! The irony was not lost on me when I received that cease and desist letter. :)

  141. I am studying a master’s program to become a MFT, I may go on to attain a which I will write on this subject..since I have lived with it also, though I do not anymore. Amazing…I knew his mom was a nar, but as i wasted 17 yrs …I found that he was too…You described everything perfectly and these people are poison or evil, they may be able to be helped if not a sociopath…though some certainly are. There is no fiction here. Thanks for the insight~~

    • Thank you, Ruth. It’s nearly too incredible for many to imagine that people like this really exist. It’s not easy to accept unless you’ve experienced one or a few first-hand. :)

  142. […] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath from Paula’s Pontifications, her blog about escaping a relationship with a sociopath. […]

  143. There of course is a possibility that it could be your partner. My ex believes that he never hit me pulled my hair put me through a cooker glass oven door or hit his daughter even though he hit his daughter and most of the stuff he did to me was in front of the children. Mine also controlled me going out by telling me we had no extra income and we were broke every month. be careful in case its not the person you first think it is. My ex is probably telling the new women in his life that im the crazy one. I know the truth and so do the children
    Take care. Sue.

  144. Wow, you describe my mother to a T! She and most of her sisters. Some of my cousins (all females) and unfortunately to a extent my oldest daughter. It’s strange to say but all the female sociopaths on my mom’s family literally gave this weird evil smile or demeanour. It seems that sociopathic tendencies are on my mother’s side of the family. My mother loves getting sympathy and feels this weird superiority when she feels she’s attained it either through guilt or illness-pretend illness. She married my father whom I assume had Asperger’s. Who better to marry than someone who will never question what you say or do… He was a “dimwit” when it came to caring about his only child. He didn’t give a care, he allowed her to make all the decisions without question. My father only wanted a quiet life without bother or drama. She was a narcasistic sociopath! All her so called friend’s were refered to by their first and last names each time they were spoken of as if they were mini gods walking the earth. My friend’s often made fun of this when they heard of her friends spoken of countless times by their first and last names. I also never saw her friend’s come to our house, not once. They were like pretend friends. Also she never went anywhere without my father which was to the grocery store or church . Her one and only interest was prayer which she did from early morning till late at night. Growing up with it I knew no different. She took me from doctor to doctor in my pre-teens telling them I was depressed till she found the right doctor to drug me. Once she got permission from the “right quack”, she got him to prescribe me with a grocery bag of pills and vitamins-I was 12 at the time. If I had been depressed which I don’t remember till my teenage years-due to what I suspect was the affects of all the meds I was on, it’s no wonder. My mother loved sympathy so if she could say or whisper her daughter was sick that was her feelings of enjoyment and superiority. We were somewhat poor – my father was often unemployed when i was a child. He was an angry and depressed individual his whole life. We went no where ever and all my parents spent their money on was booze and smokes. I suspect having Asperger’s like my father or something like it I was a robot just doing what she wanted. I took the pills the doctor said to take right into my twenties. I started having seizures and panic attacks for about in my twenties for roughly 5 yrs. In the end I couldn’t work as the seizures were often all day off and on with migraines. I didn’t get off the thyroid meds till a kind doctor in my twenties said he didn’t think I had a thyroid problem and took me off the pills. All at once the seizures and migraines slowed down till they stopped months later when I completely was removed from the meds. It took a while to get off them as they take you off them gradually to avoid side effects.
    Looking back my parents never once took their only child to a movie, or got me involved in extracaricular activities or sports. They refused to buy me a pet. I grew up lonely and bored. Everything they bought me was second hand. They spent all their cash on booze and cigs.

    I got molested by an old man near my house one summer when I was 9, cause they both ignored me so much. My mother was a stay at home mom but was always too busy for me. she wouldn’t leave the house and was always agitated. When I told them i was molested- in the words of a nine yr old they refused to call the police on this stranger because they or she felt I would embarrass my self. They made light of the whole thing. Realistically they would have had to explain to police why they allowed their 9 yr old daughter to visit a man every day during the summer months who they didn’t know, didn’t investigate. It would have been problemstic to my mother who liked to come off as “perfect” My molestation was never addressed and has never been addressed.

    I must remember to be thankful to god that although I may have Asperger’s like my father. It could be worse. I could be a destructive sociopath like my mother. I could be abusive to my children like she was to me! I adore my kids and would give my life for them. i might be a bit overprotective but they’ve rarely gotten injured and have seen countless movies, they have two dogs, a cat, new everything and seem happy. Our son has been diagnosed with mild autism. He and his younger sister are best friends. i also should be great full that I was an only child. If I had a sybling- they may have been sociopathic and that would have been a nightmare. Although life has been rough there are things to be thankful for.
    My husband refers to my mother and her sisters as, “The Witches of Eastwick”! It’s a pretty accurate description of them all.
    When I see young guys in gangs I often wonder that they have no idea what being tough is. Of course I say that with humour. I don’t think my life was the worst but still Growing up a Catholic alcoholic that brought me up on depression and guilt! Guilt being the biggest issue. Waking up every morning and going through the previous days, weeks events to ensure I didn’t do something bad or wrong in “her” eyes was so freaking stressful.

    I realize that I can recognize sociopaths but I’d be stupid to think I can beat them at their own game. I have a respectful fear of them. I know I can never get back at my mother or the other’s out there. All I can safely do is educate my children about them and teach them to stay out of their destructive path. Besides you can never get back at a sociopath they will try to blame every one else but themselves. As for my mother. She has no contact with myself or my children. They decided long ago they didn’t want a relationship with her. My father died a few years back – I didn’t even attend his funeral and now I only communicate with her through letters. Very simple polite, hope all is well letters. She is alone and will die that way. Retributions a bitch baby… ;)

  145. My partner was seduced by a narcissist but she’s saying it’s my partner who is the narcissist. She wrote and told me she’d been seeing him for 4 years behind my back and he told her I was only his house-mate and she was telling me because she had googled pathological lying and thought I should know because I’m a victim too and she had been suffering from ptsd. I told her I didn’t want to know about it and to go away. Yes he did go on holiday with her abroad for 2 weeks but she begged him to book it and she manipulated him. Now she is saying on facebook (unfortunately we hacked in to her account because we wanted to know what she is saying about us) that my partner is a narcissistic sociopath. She is very jealous of us I think because we live in a big house and we have everything she could only dream of. We had to report her to the police because she is obviously bitter that the affair ended and my partner told me she was so crazy he couldn’t get rid of her and played along because he was scared of her at times and she was harassing him via email asking why he had lied so much. she also made accusations that he made up stories about me and my family and our friends so she is clearly narcissistic and we really don’t know why she is ‘slurring’ us. I have never met the woman and now she is saying she has cleared her name with the police and we are to stop stalking her. she hides behind her anonymity and continues to bad mouth us on facebook and we have emailed her to tell her to stop or the police will find her and we will press charges. but she’s crazy and continues to tell my partner (who forwards on her emails to me) that he abused her and if we don’t stop stalking her on facebook and searching for her address then she will expose him. How do we get rid of this woman? and she’s saying we created a smear campaign against her with the police and my partner is giving her the silent treatment. we told her it was the police who told us to give her the silent treatment but she doesn’t listen. I emailed her and told her at our request she isn’t being cautioned but telling me about the affair is harassment. she just doesn’t listen. we don’t know what to do. we are both professionals and hold very high jobs and we cannot have this woman ruin our reputations!

    • Victoria,
      With all due respect, if your husband has been having an affair with his ex, how is that her fault? I think maybe you need to look into your husband’s character traits instead of putting the blame on her. Maybe she was simply trying to alert you to what was going on?


    • Thank you, anonymous. I wrote to Victoria a couple of days ago giving her a similar suggestion. I fear she didn’t receive it or is still being highly influenced by her “partner” who seems to be hiding something.

    • Victoria,
      I do believe it is an invasion of privacy to hack into someone else’s Facebook (and likely illegal). I think this woman has a right to share her thoughts and feelings with others, without you and your partner reading…don’t you?
      Partially recovered ex-spouse of a narcissistic sociopath.

  146. First of all I want to thank you Paula for this excellent article. I admire your courage for writing a book about your experiences, too. It can be cathartic but it can also be extremely painful to revisit such hideous times in your life.

    Second of all, this is going to be an essay which I’m sure will expend most people’s patience, but I am going to write it anyway. I’ve been interested in personality disorders for years, after falling foul of not one but a handful of those described above, two of whom virtually destroyed my life and one who near drove me to suicide because he managed to convince me that my life wasn’t worth living. I was abused as a child and grew up with no self confidence and a skewed view of friendship and romantic relationships; this must have set an unconscious precedent for becoming a submissive person who would accept anyone and let them belittle and abuse me, which is why I never sought to escape those destructive relationships until it was almost too late.

    I read a comment somewhere here that the victim’s email account was hacked by their abuser; the same happened to me with one of the miscrients I dated. Not only did this person hack my email, but my facebook, stealing private photos (which I had taken as a JOKE, parodying the type of people who take sexy snaps and make that Godawful duckface expression) and uploading them onto an adult sight using my real details. I managed to get the profile removed had to change my number, email address, and move home. One of the others, who I met in an online forum for a real life community, was simply content to ruin my life online and get me barred from the forum and the community’s haunts. The others did similarly dispicable things.

    But I was easy prey. I can understand why this happened to me. I am in the playground emotionally; I wear my heart on my sleeve and I retain that devastating naivety and gullibility that allows people to exploit me. I have only learnt this about myself through such horrendous mishaps.

    Now, although narcissistics, sociopaths, psycopaths and all combinations therein pray heavily on the weak, they often seek a challenge. A dear friend of mine, someone I can truly call a friend, also lost close to everything after a business venture with a woman I believe to be a malignant narcissist. My friend was a strong woman, successful in business and with a supportive family and many friends. Two years after meeting this inhuman specimen she has had to resign from her position and find a new less succesful one, due to the woman turning virtually everyone at the business against her, a number of her friends have deserted her, and she is extremely paranoid. Such is the power of these scum, they can destroy even the strongest if they choose to stick at it.

    The scumbag went on to steal my friend’s business, rise to the top, fire anyone who dared oppose her even for the slightest thing, and eventually run the business into the ground. Everyone who used to work there has suffered grand misfortune on account of her. The last thing anyone heard, she had simply moved to another part of the country and started all over again. One of the ex employees did some digging and found a catalogue of disaster linked to this scumbag woman’s name. No-one has any clue how she managed to evade prosecution because her misdemenors are all out there in the open and she even brags about some of them (the sexual ones, in lurid detail) in her very public blog. Some of them are prosecutable by law. This is why I believe her to be a malignant narcissist as opposed to a sociopath; she lacks the intelligence and foresight to be a true sociopath, and she is obsessed with being the center of attention, often using grandiose means to achieve it. It baffles us how she does it, yet at the same time it doesn’t because like all manipulative people she accells at ingratiating herself with those in positions of power even if only temporarily.

    There isn’t a point to any of this other than to share my story. I hope that by reading this people will see the stereotypes of these personality disorders reinforced, and that it can happen to anyone even the strongest of us. But we can recover. It’s tough and it takes time but it is possible. We can also, hopefully, recognize these traits in new people we meet, and learn to avoid associating with them if at all possible. If it wasn’t for my mishaps I would not have sought to educate myself on personality disorders, and then who knows where I would be now. The cloud does have a silver lining somewhere.

  147. Paula, please advise your reader she has a clear case of parental alienation going on. My daughter’s successful businessman (and wealthy) husband did the same to her. She should read everything she can find on PA, including Divorce Poison, no matter how long she has been divorced. It will help her understand what has happened and how to react or NOT react so she can reunite one day. Also, there are a couple of very private facebook groups that she can join to get info and comfort from other alienated parents. You have to join them and no one can see your posts or others except other members. One is “Searching Higher Ground”. She needs the advice and comfort of knowing she is not alone.

  148. Thank you Paula for your response, it is greatly appreciated!

  149. Ok, so, married fifteen yrs to a guy who is still to this day is a porn freak, controlling, angry person who goes up to thekids and spanks them, grabs at them for no valid reason, this behavioruproots them andno matter how many times i ask him to quit he wont..he has a “friend, laura” who hes known since teenage days who he did something to her and feels obligated tothis day to be there for her.. i am tired of being his second wife..he knows it but wont give her up…what do i do? I am emotionally verbally scarred from him..i wouldntbe hereif therewerent kids..i am at a loss..i cant control his two yr oldbehavior.. feel stuck

    • You should leave BECAUSE of the children. Children do not need both parents if one is pathological. One sick parent renders the healthy parent useless. Your children will be the biggest losers in this situation if you don’t leave.

      I recommend that you start planning. Go to the Domestic Violence Hotline page and review the section “Get Help” and find a trusted friend or relative to share your plans who will NOT share them with him.

      I would also recommend reading about PTSD and abuse in children. That might also convince you to make a move.

      And ask yourself how you could really love someone who has treated you and your children like dirt. What keeps you there outside of the children? Be honest with yourself when you answer yourself. More than likely you love the man you THOUGHT he was not the man he is. XOXO

  150. Hi again Danielle. Its the hardest thing ive had to do in my life too but 22 months on im beginning to see everything as it is. I too have been swinging from one emotion to another. Always remember that the nasty personality is the real one, the nice one is a massive fake to manipulate you and others. Ive been through the no it cant be true, but it is. There is life after the sociopath and its so much more relaxed and peaceful. Love Sue x

    • Daphne, we cant control the ex or how the kids perceive him but have faith and believe the kids will see the truth..its one of those situations we cant control and shouldnt, try to not take it to heart.just trust god that at the right time their ideas of their dad can change. ?exes are just that..dont allow him to controlwho you are right? Once you choose to no longer allow him to control you it will be better..forgive him no matter how hard it is..i struggle to forgive the abuser im married to ..he isnt worth it..

    • I have been away for 3 years now. I was married for 26. I had no idea there was a name for him and his behavior/personality til last week, believe it or not. I tried leaving but its not til I was honest with myself for why I didn’t leave that I got some self respect. Instead of asking everyone continuously, “why does he do these things?”, I finally asked myself, “Why do I do this? Put up with this hideous treatment?” Bottom line I was financially afraid. Ironically, I found out that he had put all of our money in an account for himself…long story short, I somehow tricked him into leaving as he would still be here torturing me, but he cleaned out our home, ditto our accounts, he left me with 29.00 and a 2K monthly mortgage and a job making 2K a month that I could barely do as I was a shadow of the person I am supposed to be. In Ca courts he got away with everything. He opened charge cards in my name only and I did not even get ALIMONY. LOL! Think of all the ways to be unfaithful and I am sure there is another way he could think of. I really think my lawyer fell under his spell…I got nothing but her bill for 20K. My very best advice is to NEVER speak to them again, I mean NEVER. They will try all their charming way that first hooked you to get you back. As long as there is a drop of blood in you he wi