The dark spot indicates the higher-powered laser zap.

If you read my previous post (Tatoo? What tattoo?), you are aware that yesterday was my first date with the Art Erase laser. Instead of having the entire surface zapped (as I anxiously imagined), the laser tech performed two patch tests. Why? Well, here are a few reasons why it’s important to do test patches.

1. Everyone’s skin reacts differently to lasers and various laser settings. (Read: The technician was looking out for me and my delicate skin.)
2. I could not answer the technician’s question about titanium (found in white ink). At the time I received the tattoo, I didn’t know to ask the tattoo artist if he was using a pink ink or a red ink mixed with white ink. It seems titanium reacts to lasers in the opposite way other non-titanium inks do. They get DARKER!!! Don’t want that. (Again: the technician is looking out for me, this time it’s my sanity she’s concerned about.)
3. Sun exposure of the area can play tricks with the technician’s eyes, and therefore decrease the quality of the removal. The technician wants to be certain that the treated area matches the normal tone of the surrounding non-tattooed skin. (Again: a sign that the technician is skilled and cares about the results and keeping the customer happy!)
4. We all have different thresholds for pain. The technician used the patch test as an opportunity for me to ease into the pain instead of thrusting me head on (in this case, forearm on) into agony. (Again: the technician wants me to have a pleasant and fulfilling experience.)

My tattoo is not much bigger than a quarter, as you can see from the image above. Regardless, the process to have it removed is just over $1200.00. (I was able to get a deal and am only paying $600.00.) At first, I thought this was a bit much. (Hell, I didn’t even pay for the thing in the first place!) But after visiting the technician yesterday, I realized that I am paying for the skills of an expert team of health professionals. I want zero remnants of this “thing” to remain and am confident that my wish will be granted.

(By the way, there was little pain involved. Because it was just two zaps of the laser, I declined any numbing cream. They just felt like a rubber band being snapped across my arm. A few minutes later, the skin raised and warmed in the two spots. Nothing a little bit of Vaseline and band-aid couldn’t soothe. My next visit is February 7.)

If it were only this simple...

“Oh, it’s so cute! Why would you want to get rid of it?”

This coming from the consultant looking at the little pink gecko on the inside of my right forearm.

“If you only knew how NOT cute it is to me. So, how soon can it be erased?” I ask with little patience.

Looks like I will be Charlie-free by the summer.

“Who’s Charlie?” you ask.

Well, within days of being “branded,” I named the little lizard Charlie because I knew, instinctively, that getting a tattoo for someone you’re in a relationship with is stupid; the whole experience reminded me of Denise Richards who literally had to have her “Charlie” tattoo removed from her body after their marriage failed.

“Why did you do it in the first place?” you continue to ask.

Well, people do silly things when they aren’t thinking.

So, in honor of my 40th birthday, I am going through the first of 3-5 procedures this afternoon to erase the bugger for good. (The consultant said it is a pain-free process and only hurts AFTER. I told her it can’t equate to the pain of keeping it.)

I will be recording this momentous occasion on video. It will be a death and rebirth of the arm I sacrificed 3 years ago to someone who didn’t understand or appreciate the sacrifice. (Heck, at least I didn’t pay for the tattoo in the first place. I just have to pay to have it removed.)

Pictures to come…

Armando meditating in Central Park

Yoga. I was introduced to the idea of yoga when I was a freshman in college living in the dorms. Although I checked the “non-smoking” preference when filling out my on-campus living application, I somehow landed on the only smoking floor next to the  smoking lounge of Cumberland Hall. (This ages me, I know.) A few of the cigarette-smoking (and pot-smoking) ladies on my floor talked about yoga between inhales and practiced it in their rooms. Needless to say, I was immediately turned off by what seemed to me a new-age, hippie-inspired form of meditation. Not only did it seem anti-spiritual, I knew I was too high-energy to think it would be enjoyable for me. That was 22 years ago. My attitude toward yoga has made a dramatic shift since then.

For years, I found relief from stress through running. I ran along the C&O Canal. I ran the streets of Frostburg. I ran in the mornings. I ran in the evenings. I ran on a treadmill and even tried running on an elliptical. I ran to feel my heart pounding in my chest. I ran to remind myself that I was alive. Running felt so good.

In the summer of 2002, I stupidly got behind the wheel of my car after a night of drinking white Russians. Luckily, I was alone. My car rolled several times (according to reports; I remember nothing) and landed on its top. I landed in the ICU for three days with a collapsed lung, a fractured c-5, several cuts and bruises, and a torn medial meniscus in my right knee. I spent months in a neck brace and with a physical therapists. My neck healed; my knee would never be the same. I could not longer run.

I believed it was Karma. I believed the universe was punishing me for being irresponsible and stupid. It made sense to me, so I didn’t complain about my knee or ever say, “Why me?” because I knew why. But it didn’t stop me from hurting and plummeting slowly into a quiet depression.

I kept myself busy for years after the accident: I planned my wedding, I went back to school, I volunteered, I read more, but I could never find an activity that made me feel as alive as running did. I left my husband, had an affair, tried finding that “thing” that gave me faith and courage in myself. It wasn’t around any of the corners I looked. Every where was a dead end. I became more and more complacent with the idea that life was just life. I became fatalistic to a degree. I somehow lost my fire, so to say. I was waste high in in self-doubt and very depressed but felt there was nothing I could do about it.

In the fall of 2011, I started looking into finding an orthopedic surgeon that could possibly “fix” my knee so I could run again. While surfing the internet, I stumbled upon some testimonials from yoga practitioners who claimed to have been healed physically and emotionally by yoga. Being the cynic I can sometimes be, I highly doubted what I was reading. But after reading more and more about yoga and its benefits, I decided to shed myself of my bias and prejudice and began searching for a studio in my neighborhood.

I found Bikram Yoga Rockville. My first day practicing yoga was October 15, 2011. I have not been the same since:

• After my first 90-minute practice, I felt something happening to my knee, something good.
• I started feeling alive again within 3 practices.
• I could walk down steps without holding onto the railing after a week of practices.
• I learned patience.
• I felt the flame returning to my heart.
• I found myself again!

And with finding myself, I hope to give of myself more. I want to give more to my husband, my son, my mother, my sisters, my family, my friends, and every person I encounter in my life. I call myself a yoga snob, because I can’t stop talking about it as if it were a part of me. But, I guess, it IS a part of me. Namaste.

I would have thrown more acronyms in the mix and mentioned Dupont Circle and its “Amazing!” architecture (puke), but overall, it’s on point.

Would you still like me... even if I wasn't a girl?

It’s not that I don’t think vampires deserve someone to love them. (Antonio Banderas deserves all the love he gets in Interview with a Vampire.) I just wasn’t buying why Bella would fall in love with such a selfish and egotistical douche bag like Edward. After all, his supposed love for her is filled with all kinds of stipulations and expectations: If you do this, this, and this, I will love you. Seems pretty one-sided to me. Any normal teenage girl with Bella’s intelligence would have simply said adieu and moved on to find love with a more deserving partner. End of the series.

Last evening on Netflix, I stumbled upon a more convincing and highly romantic vampire love story: Let Me In (2010), based on the 2008 Swedish film Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in), directed by Tomas Alfredson, and the novel of the same name by John Ajvide Lindqvist: Owen, a bullied 12-year-old boy, develops a friendship with Abby, a female vampire child also 12.

Upon first meeting, Abby makes it clear to Owen that the two of them can not be friends and walks off leaving Owen to defensively respond, “Who said I wanted to be your friend any how?” The story builds, secrets are revealed, and Abby and Owen fall deeply in love despite their mortal/immortal differences. In the end, they are both willing to sacrifice parts of themselves to protect the other forever.  To me, that’s true love, unconditional love, and I cried during various scenes like I haven’t cried since watching Pan’s Labyrinth (another film I’d like to write a post about soon).

When was the last time you sacrificed something of yourself for love?

* Quote from the 2010 film Let Me In

“Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage.” ~Ray Bradbury

The Universe sends us signs reminding us to stay on track, to not venture away from our internal struggles, thoughts, and feelings.

Two nights ago, I desperately wanted to lose myself in a movie instead of reading. (The novel I am reading has reached a place that disturbs and hits close to home.)
I scanned Netflix and discovered “Stone,” a 2010 DeNiro film also starring Edward Norton and Milla Jovovich. I immediately hit “Play.”

The first line uttered is “You keep my soul in a dungeon.” Wow! In my search to find relief from the book I was reading, I fell into the same “familiar.” There was no escaping the obdurate, incessant messages from the Universe.

You can laugh at that; that’s okay. But think about the last uncomfortable situation, experience, or behaviour you wanted to delete, to erase from your thoughts completely. Could you do it? Why do you suppose you couldn’t? I say it’s the stubborness of our consciences that keep us from remaining in the dark and fooling ourselves for all eternity.

But, I guess, if you don’t have a conscience, if you don’t have empathy, if you don’t have a desire to become a better person and learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of those in your life, well, you are probably completely lost by this posting and are probably thinking, “This bitch is nuts!”

“Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage.”
~Ray Bradbury

A narcissist will always be right. No matter how much logic and sincerity goes into your response, a narcissist will find a way to turn your words against you. It’s quite sad. I am saddened that I allowed a narcissist to affect me for so many years (even though within months of meeting I knew I should have run FAST in the opposite direction). I guess folks like me who can put ourselves in other people’s shoes believed the narcissist wasn’t really a narcissist, that he wasn’t really THAT materialistic or self-indulgent. Folks like me are wrong.

So, I am delighted that I finally found the answer, the answer I intuitively knew but ignored 3 years ago: when faced with a controlling narcissist, say nothing and just run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and NEVER look back. He’ll be fine. Narcissists always are (at least in their minds).

I’m no psychiatrist or psychologist, but I think STARTING something new has got to be much easier than ENDING something we’ve been doing over and over for years. So, instead of focusing on cutting out the sweets, not spending money we don’t have, quitting the booze, smoking less or quitting, I say let’s challenge ourselves to start doing something positive right along side the bad stuff we do.

I can’t just stop drinking coffee everyday. (I would go through some type of mental and physical withdrawal and who wants that?) Instead of resolving to quit coffee, I am going to challenge myself to practice yoga EVERY day for the next 60 days. I predict that if I meet this challenge, I’ll probably keep doing it for another 60 days. Also, I’ll probably end up drinking less coffee just because I’ll be too busy sweating and looking for water. But even if I don’t succeed, I haven’t failed. I’ll probably just restart the clock and try again, unlike resolutions that just get broken and generally stay broken until next New Year’s.

Challenges can be anything. Simple or hard. Physical or mental. Just something new we have never accomplished but would like to be able to say, “Hey, I did this, and it felt great!”

Some ideas (or not):

1. I’m going to take lessons to learn how to play the piano (or whatever).
2. I’m going to send a postcard a day to someone I love for the next 60 days.
3. I’m going to save a dollar a day for the next 30 days.
4. I’m going to read a book a week for the next 8 weeks.
5. I’m going to write in my diary/journal every day for the next 30 days.
6. I’m going to prepare my family a home-cooked meal every day for the next 30 days.
7. I’m going to pick up my dirty clothes off the floor (without my wife/girlfriend nagging me to do it ) every day for the next week…(hehehe!)

How will you challenge yourself? I’d love to hear about your plans.

Resolutions Comic

Of course being honest is a positive trait. We teach our children every day to be honest. However, when the truth is subjective rather than objective, honesty is not always the best policy. Just because I don’t like corduroy shirts, doesn’t mean I should go around telling everyone wearing one that I hate their outfit. My dislike is subjective; it’s my opinion. My opinion may hurt someone’s feelings or personal sense of style. I keep my mouth shut.

The narcissist doesn’t refrain. The narcissist WILL comment to everyone wearing a corduroy shirt that it’s ugly. If someone becomes offended and shuts down, the narcissist will simply say, “Well, it’s the truth.”

But is it the truth? It may be true for the narcissist, but it’s not true for everyone. What’s truly sad, is that the narcissist will try to argue why it’s true, when universally no subjective truth can be transformed into an objective truth that all believe. The narcissist will make every attempt to do just that and then cry “foul” on you for thinking illogically. Yes, YOU are thinking illogically.

My next post: How to Respond to a Narcissist