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Choosing to leave the sociopath before the sociopath is ready to discard you may cause increased cognitive dissonance if you don’t know what to expect.

In the beginning, the sociopath exhausts you of all your novelty in the early love-bombing and idolization phase.

The sociopath is so interested in your interests and becomes so immersed in your life and daily routine that you become intoxicated by all of the attention.

You interpret this as a good thing. You interpret this as an AMAZING thing. The sociopath must love you so much to want to become your twin, huh?

The sociopath even seems to bond quickly and easily with your inner circle of friends and certain family members.

You’re in awe of how alike you are! Where has the sociopath been all of your life?

And that’s exactly the question you should be asking. Where HAS the sociopath been? Where are the sociopath’s friends and family? If the sociopath is so amazing, there MUST be others who think the same, right?

Oh, wait! You bought into the sociopath’s professions that YOU are the first person to enter his life who makes the sociopath whole and complete. Sorry. You’re so special. I forgot. You have superpowers and are the only effing person out of millions and millions that “gets” this pitiful creature and can give him the love and understanding that he needs. Everyone else from his past, including his mother and siblings, just couldn’t grasp the genius of the sociopath. But you can. Sorry. I forgot.

Do you see how absolutely absurd this is? Everyone else left this person, and you seem to think it’s because the sociopath is somehow superior and that’s why everyone misunderstands him but that you are somehow superior in your ability to care and listen to him and that’s why the sociopath chose you?

Um. Not exactly.

You won’t be feeling very special and powerful once the sociopath sucks you dry of your creativity and energy. You REALLY won’t be feeling very special once you finally decide to ask the sociopath for love and support and understanding and instead get the sociopath screaming at you, “You’re such an ungrateful bitch. I give so much to you and all you want is more?”

And you feel guilty and continue to give freely, because that’s what love is about. You stop asking for anything in return, because only ungrateful whores do such a thing and you refuse to be accused of THAT again. Some people just show their love in different ways, right? The sociopath is so much more evolved in the way he loves you, and you should be just as evolved in how you love the sociopath. Right?

Again, the absurdity! This is how you get stuck in cognitive dissonance. You know love is patient and kind and compassionate and reciprocal. You know it is, so why do you believe the BS spewing from the sociopath’s mouth? Oh, because he’s done things for you and bought things for you and said nice things to you and complimented you on your character? Wonderful. The sociopath must really love you.

Did you forget that people who love you don’t keep track of their good deeds? People who love one another listen to each other’s pain; they don’t deny their pain or shame them and make the other feel miserable and ungrateful for expressing their pain.

The sociopath said and did some nice things, but now the sociopath holds those nice things over your head as his free pass to treat you in any shitty way the sociopath pleases. Is that love? Do people who really love you not listen to you and immediately point a shaming finger back at you if you open up about what you perceive as unfair treatment?

No. A caring person does not deflect. Someone who loves you will say, “Wow, I had no idea when I did that you felt that way. I’m sorry. Let’s talk about this more. I don’t want to make you feel like that again.”

How many times do YOU say that to the sociopath and how often does the sociopath say this to you?

And don’t count the times the sociopath sat seemingly attentive, bouncing on his seat, arms folded in front of him just waiting for you to shut up so the sociopath can say, “Are you finished? Do you feel better now?”

How condescending, rude and disrespectful! You’ll eventually tire of this lack of respect and lack of caring and compassionate reciprocity.

Once you show any signs of being tired or unwilling to give, give, give, the sociopath interprets your behavior as uncaring and unloving.

The sociopath fails to see this lack of reciprocity. The sociopath thinks just being in your life is the sociopath’s gift to you, and the fact that he keeps forgiving your ungratefulness and hasn’t left or discarded you should be indicative of how much he cares, right?

Wrong!

The sociopath doesn’t “forgive” you. The fact the sociopath remembers every slight you’ve commuted against him should be your cue. And the only reason the sociopath hasn’t left you…yet…is because there is no one waiting in the wings ready to pity the sociopath and provide the sociopath with immediate supply.

There is no doubt that if you decide to leave the sociopath now, without a source of supply waiting in the wings for him, the sociopath will act and seem devastated. The sociopath will cry and whine to others that he loved you more than you loved him and you unfairly abandoned the sociopath. And in all of his crying and flailing about, he’ll gain pity. The sociopath may even convince one of your friends that you are the cause of the breakup.

Now you have someone else that you thought cared about you brainwashed into thinking you’re ungrateful and uncaring. It’s enough to make you lose your mind defending yourself.

And it seems to make zero difference to anyone that you are not the person who repeatedly loses girlfriends, fiancees, spouses and best friends over the course of your lifetime. It doesn’t seem to matter to these unsuspecting folks, who are getting dragged into the sociopath’s triangulation, that it’s the sociopath who behaves from a place of hate, fear and jealousy…not you.

The more you reach out to your inner circle, the more you realize that these unsuspecting individuals have been fed so many lies. The sociopath even said to them, “And she’ll say X, Y and Z in her defense. Just wait. You’ll see. That will be your proof that she never cared about me, used me the entire relationship and is the cause of all my pain!”

And you DO respond exactly as the sociopath predicted you’d respond.

How could the sociopath be so foretelling in how you’d respond to the criticism if the criticism were not true?

Easy. Who wouldn’t be defensive when shameful secrets you once shared in confidence with the sociopath are now being used against you to make you look like the abusive and hateful person?

Somehow this very simple observation gets lost on people. Maybe it’s because people like knowing the struggles and misfortunes of others so they feel better about their own lives. It’s true. And the sociopath counts on it. The sociopath counts on people judging you negatively based on secrets that the sociopath carelessly shares.

It’s not even worth wasting your breath trying to defend yourself, because “yes” you did those things and said that thing. Defending the facts misconstrued out of context as lies and judgement is exhausting and can drive a person mad. Don’t even attempt to defend yourself against people hell-bent on choosing the dark gossip over the innocent truth. Dark gossip always wins.

So what do you do about it?

The first thing you do is accept that you trusted the wrong person with your secrets.

The second thing that you do is refrain from participating in the destructive gossip of others. When someone comes to you with someone else’s secrets, stop the gossip in its tracks. Simply say, “That’s unfortunate. I really have no opinion.”

And how could you have an opinion? What that person did can only be explained by that person and that person isn’t even in the room.

And if the gossip monger refuses to shut up, ask the gossip monger, “What is your purpose in telling me this?”

Hmm? An honest gossip monger will say, “Because I want you to dislike that person and like me instead.”

Hehe! But we know there are no “honest” gossip mongers among us that understand their motivation like this.

Instead, the gossip monger will say to you, “Don’t you think so-and-so is a terrible person for behaving in such a way?!?!”

Ahhh…the deflection. The deflection of judgment. If you agree and say the person is terrible, then the gossip monger sociopath can hold that over YOUR head if you ever decide to defend so-and-so in the future:

“You said on such-and-such a date that you thought she was horrible and now you’re her friend? I’m telling her.”

Again, jealousy, hate and control are what drives these people.

When the person you’re now defending confronts you about once calling her crazy, simply say, “Yes, I said that. I was wrong. I am ashamed. I didn’t have all the facts, and the sociopath seemed so convincing.”

Forgive this person. They were a pawn just like you.

Remember, you’re going to lose friends when you leave the sociopath. But know that it’s because lies and drama excite people. People gravitate toward drama, because they are so lost and bored with their own lives. Sociopaths count on other people’s boredom to gain supporters. Accept it, even if it means standing in a corner alone for a while. All that alone time will provide you with the much-needed opportunity to self-assess, self-reflect and self-improve.

Reject the urge to lash out at the lies and personal secrets being spread. Remain non-engaged.

And when and if those people who once “followed” the sociopath come running to you to apologize, accept their apology without forcing them to explain why they supported the sociopath in the first place. You already know why, because you once supported the loser, too.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/441704675925805414/)

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Friends, Health, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 22 Comments

  1. My husband(psychopath) and I do not have the same friends, I have only meet one member of his family and the rest live out of country. So, I couldn’t careless about what he tells them when I divorce his lying ass. I recently found out for 7 years my husband was using me to gain U.S. citizenship. This was of course after her used the silent treatment to torment me, devalued me and let me know in every possible way I was worthless, he moved me to a small town to isolate me from my friends and family while he travels out of town frequently. However, his favorite trick is to just stare at me whenever I ask him a question, no response just the evil stare. I couldn’t understand why he would show me videos of dogs being shot or give me articles about men decapitating their wives or dragging them behind cars. It finally clicked the other night when I told him I wanted a divorce and he begin his manipulation once more only this time I knew exactly what he was doing. What I can’t figure out is why he won’t live now that he has his citizenship,(he takes the oath next month). He got what he wanted so why doesn’t he slither away?!?! I don’t know what he has planned next but my plan is to move back to my hometown get a job(I’m a stay home mom) and hire a damn good lawyer! If everything goes well I will be rid of this reptile by December. In the meantime I am keeping my plans under wrap, I know I can’t go head to head with him. So I’m pretending I’m still his submissive victim for the time being until I have everything in place. I am however fearful for my daughter, part of me thinks the reason he is still lurking is to abduct our 3 year old. He has asked me more than once to get her a passport. I will of course stall this like none other. I can’t help thinking this animal would try to hurt me in the worse way possible by taking her. How can I protect myself until I can leave him? I want to make the first move and leave him before he discards me but honestly, if he just disappears I won’t be crying in my cheerios! Any advice would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • They don’t walk away unless there is guaranteed supply waiting for them. They are not capable of being alone; they need to be in constant and complete control of SOMEONE. So your fears about him abducting your child are valid and ones you should heed. To escape this situation, you need a solid plan and you need to confide in someone you trust abut your plans. And acting like you are an indifferent puppet is a good strategy. And finding someone to take care of your daughter, grandmother or aunt, would be ideal.

  2. I think I’d want to know a bit more about the apology though. Maybe asking why isn’t the right question. But I would be cautious and want to know the motivation behind the apology. Some may apologize just because they know it’s the only way to get you back into their game.

    I hat to be so suspicious, but I think it’s something to be aware of once betrayed by the person. I’m not saying people don’t deserve a second chance but maybe using caution in the beginning is a good idea.

    It could be a ruse to open you up, get you to say stuff they can either use against you later or take it back to their new friend…guess who! The sociopath.

    I don’t think giving trust away so easily again after being betrayed that way is such a good idea, despite also falling for the BS yourself.

    Reply
    • The apology I speak of accepting is from the sociopath’s previous enabler/minion/whoever got suckered, not from the sociopath. I wouldn’t recommend accepting an apology from any sociopath. There are always strings attached and a hidden agenda. Something in it for the sociopath, for sure! :)

    • I know who you meant. I still think caution is wise. I know they might have been suckered in, just like us. But they may still be suckered in sent on a mission and using a fake apology to get something from you.

      You just never know. And as you can probably tell from my comment, I’m not all that trusting and wouldn’t just accept an apology on face value, even and especially if it came from a minion. The possibility of them still being a minion is a good one. And that’s why I say listen carefully and observe.

      If I was going to accept the apology I would treat the person as if they are someone I just met and not just jump in where we had left off in our relationship, whatever that was. I would proceed with caution and that person would have some serious earning of trust ahead of them.

    • Absolutely. Always be cautious and trust your gut. :)

    • True dat. Intuition is one thing I know I ignored. So I’ll admit not always a matter of trusting someone else but trusting self. Which can be hard…especially when just out.

    • safirefalcon,
      I COMPLETELY agree! I say this because of personal experience…been there, done that. I thought I could trust someone, and it backfired on me! I will not make that mistake again.

    • Paula-

      The case I mentioned to you took a giant leap forward yesterday. William Allen Jordan was arrested for 2nd degree sexual assault by coercion, among other things, in Florence NJ.

      He is a convicted pedophile and bigamist who was imprisoned for molesting the 13 year old daughter of one of his wives (in the UK.) In other cases, he seduced women with children or incapacitated female relatives in the household. The victim in yesterday’s chase is the mother of a 13 year old daughter.

      Joyce

      Sent from my iPhone

    • Thank you, Joyce. I’ll read more about this after work tonight.

  3. Paula I’m so happy to have come across your blog. This is really helpful information and I will be re-reading and visiting this again. I’m learning so much from blogs like yours and others who share their experiences on dealing with crazy-making behaviours.

    Reply
  4. Reblogged this on I Won't Take It and commented:
    Paula hits the nail on the head again! Since I moved away from the narc, I haven’t had to defend myself against a smear campaign, but I also haven’t heard from any of “our” friends, either. Whatever. He can have any “friends” who believe his string of lies and I will continue to live my fabulous life!

    Reply
  5. Fellow Survivor-

    My heart truly goes out to you regarding the automotive expense of your daughter. I had a son. The insurance companies hit you up even worse for the coverage of a teen aged boy in NYC….over $500!!!
    .
    I learned not to put a car in his name. When I bought a second car and loaned him my “Jeep,” They charged me $50 for adding him onto MY policy. So even if you are responsible to provide her with wheels, are you responsible to provide those wheels in her name? If not, can you change the title on the car?

    As divorced or separated parents, we try to cater to our kids as best we can. But sometimes, that’s not the best parenting we can offer them. Ultimately, our goal is for them to be responsible adults. Paying for her gas and car expenses is not going to instill “responsibility.” How ’bout, “Ill pay the financing, but YOU pay for YOUR gas, otherwise known as “you’re old enough to drive a car, you’re old enough to get a job.”

    Cars are a luxury. If she’s a good kid, she’ll get it. If she’s an unappreciative kid, now’s the time to put your foot down and try to change that before it’s too late.

    Joyce

    Reply
    • Joyce, my daughter is the best kid ever. I mean really, one of a kind great kid. She does some babysitting on the side to pick up some extra cash but other than that she has a full time job, she is a student. She attends one the most challenging private schools in the nation and has never made less than an A. She is in “AP” math, history, science,etc. If she places out of 12 to 15 hours of college before she even gets there it will more than make up for any cash she could earn right now. She goes to school from 8 till 5, comes home and studies until midnight almost every night If I wasn’t there to see her being born, literally right there, then I would suspect they made a switch at the hospital by mistake.

      Anyway, thanks for your concern and advise. If she was in a normal public school with time on her hands I would make her get a job, like I had when I was a kid. She did not chose to go to this private school, actually the mother did. We, the mom and I, made a commitment to support her if she did the work, which she has done, the mom and I just need to collectively live up to our part of the deal.

    • Opps, meant to sign off as Fellow Survivor

  6. Unfortunately- it all goes back to chemistry…..

    At first, it’s the chemistry of attraction that they misuse through seduction and affection. They arouse our oxytocin levels to gain acceptance; then we stay connected because that same chemistry compels us, as it was intended by nature, to cleave us to our loved one.

    Sociopaths are especially sharp at locating oxytocin-rich prey. It’s as if they have a special radar and can pick you out from across the room. Perhaps it’s because their specific morality disorder evolved because they had limited affective empathy, which is created in response to oxytocin in early childhood development. Their oxytocin receptors don’t form normally as they develop. but they are spot-on in detecting targets who have well-established affective empathy and a moral code of conduct that cleaves us to a loved one, even when things sour.

    People with a code of conduct of caring and loving will forgive wrongdoing and look for the best in others. It’s simply inherent in who we are. So we need to be aware that not all people operate the same way, and when wrongdoing appears, be mindful of whether we are dealing with someone who manipulates loyalty, or if we’re dealing with someone who works with us to make the relationship better.

    Manipulation begins to feel like manipulation only after the mask comes off. Unfortunately, too few people are aware of this phenomenon. Thank heavens for Paula’s efforts toward enlightenment!

    Joyce

    Reply
  7. Paula, the biggest issue is the car expenses for our daughter. In mediation I agreed to pay for our daughter’s health insurance, but what father would withhold that. The only other expenses outlined were that we would split any healthcare expenses for out daughter.

    OUR daughter’s car was awarded to me, which is not an asset but a liability. Auto Insurance for a teenager is not cheap. Gas is not cheap. Car payment of $340 month is not cheap. Cell phone expenses are not cheap. New battery, $100, new tires $600 etc. Oil changed and tire rotation $150. It adds up fast. My daughter was out of gas at her mom’s house one week and she asked the mom for gas money. The mom told her to ask ” the mom’s boyfriend” for his credit card. Can you believe that. My daughter called me and I filled the car up, $65 later.

    My entire life whenever I found myself around people like the ex my solution was easy, just get away from them. But now I have to deal with it for financial reasons and it just breaks my heart. Any yes, the mom was out on the town one day after our divorce was final with her new boyfriend who I am sure was tucked deeply away until the divorce was final. Facebook, facebook, facebook pictures of them having a great time always posting. I don’t look at her facebook page but sometimes when she is in my daughter’s posting they show up on my page. YUK

    I have begun to date again but I can’t see myself being in love with anyone right now.

    Reply
  8. Spot on, again. Mine had very few friends when we met. Then she became fast friends with my guy friends wives and girlfriends. These ladies got her into all the “clubs” and “groups” that they belonged to. People referred to me as a boy her and her as a girl me. She completely reflected me back at me.

    And then the slow trickle of ambient abuse. The silent type. First we got into a fight and she called the cops. Then I had been working all day in the yard, doing laundry, and housework while she was at her moms all day. When she came home she accused me of being a lazy bum. I really could not believe it, and that was over 17 years ago.

    15 years later I had had enough and refused to continue in the yelling fighting matches. She had physically assaulted me and I demanded an apology. She flat out denied that she even kicked me, even though she did kick me and then threaten to call the cops on “ME”. She kicked me when I told her I was through fighting with her. I could fill 10 pages with other abuses and many were just heartbreaking to me, an empathetic male.

    Little did I understand that when I refused to fight anymore that was withdrawing “Narcissistic Supply” . My expressions became “non emotional”, I basically withdrew into my own little emotional shell. That’s when the discard happened. The devalue had been happening for a very long time.

    In my counseling sessions I found myself mostly just trying to point out the parts of me that had “value” to reaffirm to myself that I was an OK person. Its been 18 months since separating and 11 since the divorce was final and I still feel devalued and worthless. Still in isolation. Still unwilling to fight her over financial support for our one daughter and it is bleeding me dry, both emotionally and financially.

    I am hoping to grow my backbone again and stand up to her but we all know what a mess that will be. Undergoing the shift from seeing her for who she truly is vs the person I thought I loved is very difficult.

    Reply
    • I’m so sorry you are struggling. You want to respect the mother of your children for obvious reasons, but these people make it tough. Despite her obvious disrespect and lack of concern for you as a father, you hold back. And now you’ve been pushed to a point where you feel like you need to defend yourself. The best approach is to be as reasonable and cooperative in the eyes of the court as possible. Most family court systems do not like when one or both parents seek an all-or-nothing approach to custody and child support. Family court prefers that the parents can come to an agreement before coming before the judge. So agree to mediation or suggest it yourself. We know it doesn’t work with these people but at least it shows you are willing to come to a compromise and will alert the court to the party that is unbending and rigid.

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