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A narcissist will discard you when you are no longer useful to him. I’m not just talking about a physical discard like when the relationship ends and he kicks your ass to the curb. I’m talking about an emotional discard that happens while you are still in the relationship. I’m also talking about a discard of all his memories of you once he has found a new source of narcissistic supply. The timing of him finding a new and rich narcissistic/ego supply, determines how soon and when you will no longer be useful to him. It is when you are finally, 100% discarded.

Before leaving my abusive relationship with the boy, I knew I had to be okay with him one day thinking I was “useless.” I left him before he discarded me. I left the toxic relationship at the height of what he thought was his total and complete domination and control over me. I pulled his narcissistic supply right out from under him, and it pissed him off. It REALLY pissed him off.

On top of all the names and accusations he screamed at me through my phone and texts messages, I knew that one day soon his rage against me would end. He would go from one extreme to the next. From being incredibly angry and desperately hurt at my departure one day to telling people I’m nothing to him and never was the next. (Who’s the bi-polar one, again?) And his dramatic and seamless switch was all thanks to fresh narcissistic supply; a new victim had entered his life. What happened to his feelings and thoughts of me? He tucked them neatly away into the far recesses of his mind the way he tucked away the memories of so many other good people he once shared moments.

Struggling with the idea of being useless and of one day not being remembered at all by the narcissist was the hardest part of my acceptance and recovery. After all, in this world of billions we meet so few people with whom we share our inner-most thoughts and feelings. We hope that those people would honor that connection forever, because that’s what good people do. But narcissists don’t see things the way good people see things. They never REALLY share anything about themselves that’s truthful in the first place and only use your disclosures against you. They have no honor to bestow on anything or anyone, including themselves. Where is the honor, usefulness, and goodness in THAT?!?

And when we start speaking the truth about their lack of honor, usefulness, and goodness, we are deemed the dishonorable and tasteless ones. Whatever works for them, I guess.

Accept the discard. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to convince the fool that he’s wrong about you. (I made that mistake. I don’t want you to do that, too.) Instead, discard him like he discarded you. No more ruminating on why he’s the way he is or why you stuck around for so long. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to free yourself. Accept the discard and discard him today if you haven’t already.

Namaste!

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Journaling, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing

Join the conversation! 59 Comments

  1. its been 5 weeks off the roller coaster for me. but its soooo hard. an addiction unlike no other. I did slip and respond to an email he sent, but of course no answer back from him. im slowly learning to accept it. I have never felt so emotionally tortured in any relationship (and ive had a few not so pleasant experiences) as in this one. I have found in these past weeks that the thoughts and memories of our time together make me think the top of my head will explode. it is extremely difficult to make sense of, but for the first time today, I see the smallest light shining on the horizon. it is horrible to say, but I would have preferred he hit me every single time , rather than another hurtful demeaning control tactic or game. I have never in my life experienced panic attacks as I developed early on in that relationship. I had never in my life felt so out of control, and hating myself for it. it is truly an identity loss. I have had nightmares that made me afraid to go to sleep. I have never had so much trouble sleeping until I met the man…. became involved with “it”. I have never felt such lingering hatred and confusion. I can honestly say ive never met anyone like this. special? no. unique? yes! I have had so many breakdowns/meltdowns, times I thought I would DIE from the pain inside in these past several years, I never thought id escape the “prison”. but here I am, struggling to cope, day by day…consumed by “I wish he would call” and “im so glad hes gone”. its so difficult. its difficult to know that your feelings, your pain, your being, mean NOTHING to him, never did. and to hate yourself for allowing someone to do that to you. I find myself constantly wondering “is he truly a narcissist?” and all the research indicates the truth. every time I find new info on narcissism, its him. I am still in shock how anyone could be so cold, but slowly, I am understanding it, and that helps. I have feared that the projection will be permanently instilled, as I missing a lot of my character. slowly but surely, I grew into a depressed and lonely soul, that I am hoping to change. it is as if he has magically magnified the smallest of my insecurities, which have replaced the upbeat character I was when I met him. I feel very lost and afraid. afraid that the old me will not return. I am devastated. it is hard to focus on the light when there is so much clutter to trip over in the dark. I feel 10 times older, very tired, unwanted, and that I am of no use or desire to anyone else. how do I get out of this head trip?

    Reply
    • Noname, Wow. You put into just a few words the vast and complicated confusion I felt and many felt in the immediate aftermath of the relationship. You may not realize it in the moment, but all of this rumination you are doing is your brain’s way of releasing the confusion. It’s attempting to make sense of the senseless. The further distance you have between the moments with “it” and the moments within yourself, the more you will come back to you. However, don’t expect to ever be the same…in a good way. You have seen something few see. With their eyes wide open, they are, quite actually, wide shut. Those inflated insecurities? You are at the threshold of embracing them and finding out what it means to truly love yourself and respect all of who you are and where you’ve been. No more shame or blame. You’ve come face-to-face with why self-blaming and self-shaming is only for those uninterested in living and uninterested in bringing compassion for themselves and others to the surface.

    • Dear No Name, you will find many women here who can testity that yes you do get over it and you do get back to you. Heck I even wrote a song about it called, wait for it….”Back to Me”. There were two books that were so instrumental to my healing process–“Women Who Love Psychopaths” by Sandra L. Brown and Sam Vakins book, “Malignant Narcissism”. Hang in there you will get to that place of peace,and you will laugh and say to yourself, “What the heck was I thinking”.

      love, light & hugs

      namaste

  2. I walked out on a female N, couldn’t take the manipulation/lying/feeling insecure/talking to other men behind my back/ criticizing me. I left at the height of her feeling she was in control of me and know for a fact it caught her off guard.

    She tormented me with calls for 7 weeks and then it finally stopped. drove me up the wall with guilt/doubt and feeling bad that I would just coldly turn my back on someone that tried so hard but I felt was so fake and really did make me feel exhausted and insecure. It was my gut instinct always telling me something wasn’t right. Know what I mean on this?

    I got out, I vented to friends and they said they would have gotten out way earlier. I talked to girlfriends and they all told me not to feel bad for one second just because it is a girl and assured me she is an N because they have girlfriends that are.

    I have days like this week where I wake up and the whole day I feel terrific (ended it 2.5 months ago), and then some days where I am just agitated and angry reliving it. Feel so freaking stupid and really EMBARRASSED by being played a fool, being duped. The good days are increasing in length, that is the good thing but cant tap into why I still think about it. Plenty of lovers in my life and never one to do this to me. Don’t love her, I know this, but why the reliving it?

    Blocked her, her family, her online friends on FB, blocked her on my phone and on my gmail account. Doing that killed the anticipation (which all of you should do with NC/its a must) of expecting contact.

    Now there is compete silence. I feel you greatly about having the feeling of being discarded, finally. Even though I was the one to leave, not her, and it was at the height of the relationship, I still feel like she dumped me. Like I got left hanging.

    Your story gave me input/perspective I didn’t consider. I have been discarded/replaced with either another man or whatever. She cant go for long without a partner as all she did was talk about ex’s (there were a lot/and they were always the problem and she dumped them all) and compare me to them as being better in every way.

    Never met any of her friends or men she triangulated me with, met her family and she “displayed” me to her parents when they came to town and I felt it was odd at such an early chapter in our relationship. Did find it funny that her mother asked her where was “The other boyfriend”. lol. Even her mother told her she has been bad. Her sister asked her, when first meeting me “so how long is this one going to last?”

    Any help on how to get over the thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated. I use to work out at the gym a lot, when I met her she consumed all of my time. I am no longer dragging my knuckles but cant seem to gather the energy I use to have to take the next step from leaving work and hitting the weights and becoming myself again.

    Thanks, and God bless!

    Reply
    • Anonymous, Thank you for sharing your experience. First, don’t beat yourself up for not recognizing or heeding the early signs. We all hold out hope that we really could be “The One” to fix and change these fools, and they do a damn good job of creating that illusion by placing us high upon a pedestal. But they don’t count on us taking note of all the subtle insults to our character and to the character of others we respect and/or admire. They don’t count on the “little idiosyncrasies” of their character (as they like to lovingly refer to their shitty behavior) to become too much for us to endure despite the lovebombing that gets intermingled and causes so much confusion and begs us to wonder: “Does this person really love me or just the idea of loving me?”

      In the aftermath and the early period of No Contact, use this time to tap into your love of life and learn to better appreciate the qualities in yourself that could never allow you to do what she is easily capable of doing. Examine some of your own crappy behavior now that you see how it affects others and vow to not do or say those things. And also, ask yourself if you are still somehow dependent upon her approval of you. Do you still NEED her to one day come to you and say, “I am so sorry for how I treated you; you never deserved to be treated that way. You are a great man, and I wish you much happiness in your future and with whomever you find love. We were just two very different people.”

      Pfft! I can tell you right now that THAT will NEVER happen. And if she ever does call you or contact you and says something like that to you, her actions and behavior will soon defy her words.

      I think the strongest tool in our recovery and healing journey is when we realize that we are not alone in this and that there are many, many people out here who have experienced the same shit sandwich and are having an equally tough time spitting it out. Don’t allow your worth to be dependent on the approval of someone who is remorseless in her ability to harm others just because she can. Would you be proud of her if she were your daughter, or mother, or sister? Of course not, so accept that this is a person you rejected for a very, very good reason and there is no shame in being discarded by her. She has no interest in knowing the real you and your true values. All she ever did when you were with you was mirror and exploit those values. So take back your values, get to the gym, and consider taking a yoga or meditation class to complement and boost all that hard work. Namaste! :)

    • that was very helpful and also very insightful. my pain and confusion comes in waves. use to be by the minute, then by the hours and now by the days. I find myself functioning much better the last week and am not suffering from the raccing thoughts as much as I was.

      I was very confident when I first went no contact with her but then the 77 prank calls in 5 weeks drove me up the wall. she is completely silent now so I am assuming she has someone new. this does not bug me in the least, just the realization that it was all fake is what kills me.

      I have read many times online that they walk away so easily from relationships (when they are the ones that end it, dump you) but I was the one that walked out on her and went no contact for a week and finally gave her the long email outlining her behavior that brought the relationship to an end. I let several friends read it and they said it probably made her completely shut down. her only response was “thank you”. this too caught me off guard as I was expecting some insults or hate or something along those lines.

      I am on the path to recovery and am no longer anticipating contact from her but my girlfriends and close guy friends said that with the amount of stalking/harassment she was putting me through I can expect some form of contact from her. don’t worry, I have blocked her via gmail, fb, phone so she will have to figure out another way to get to me after she sees I don’t respond.

      can I ask a repeating question? is it true that they always try coming back if you dump them, or try to make you jealous or something just to mess with you? I run a small business and need my head in the right place and need to be ready for anything that is thrown at me if I am going to continue to succeed.

      you help is very much appreciated.

      thanks again

    • I left my ex, too, but still felt like I was the one who was discarded in some human dumpster he drags behind him as he plows through people’s lives on his journey toward complete domination. I also felt like No Contact was easy in the beginning, but the ruminations and the feeling like he was able to toss me aside like I didn’t matter or like his unborn child (which I miscarried soon after leaving him) didn’t matter brought me to my knees. I broke down after 5 months and called and cried to him and asked why, why, why only to get hate and vile thrown at me. I finally realized after a year of his random texts and calls and even business-like emails requesting access to a website I had started creating for him that I had to make it abundantly clear to him (and to myself) that this person was the piece of garbage, not me, and that I had to close THAT door so he could never re-enter. I used my blog to let him know what I really felt about him and what he did to me and my child. Without calling him out by name, I was able to communicate to him that he was never, ever welcome to call me or text me or come around again looking for me in 3 or 5 years down trodden due to another woman failing to provide him with his simple need to be loved (which is how he lured me in the first place into his hell.) I wasn’t going to fall for his innocent act again, nor was I going to be swept away by his feigned glorification of me ever again. So you need to make the conscious decision to accept that this person is NOT good for you and that if she does reach out to you, you will immediately tell her she has the wrong number. Don’t believe any stories she tries to spin about her failing health or a pregnancy or losing her dog. You must become emotionally detached from all that she throws at you if and when she reaches out again. It seems heartless and hateful, but even nibbling the bait will keep you hooked and susceptible to her inevitable harm. No one can teach you how to detach from her. You must practice detachment with a conscious mind every single day. :)

  3. Reblogged this on Life & Times after Daddy BooBoo and commented:
    Another good article! I had a hard time not running around trying to correct all the lies he was telling. I had to tell myself the good ol’ reliable quote by Dr. Suess “The people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind.” Basically, those who know or love me know the truth and pity on those who believe his lies.

    Reply
  4. I met this charming handsome man on a dating site, my first impression was that he loved himself too much, and maybe too good to be true, (something I should have taken heed of, my instincts)he swept me off my feet, he is much younger than me, so I could not believe my luck, I had attention non stop, he called me night and day, was so gentle and kind,romantic, everything I wanted. As time went on, I began to notice things change, at New Year, we had both had a lot to drink and he took my hands and said you know I love you so much if you were younger we could be married, by then I was so in love with him, this upset me so much I was in tears, but I thought after all he is just young and he is being honest, he is Kurdish so family is important to them, and he would probably want children one day, he would say things like can you imagine me saying to my mum here is Val she is .. age, he brought my age up a lot, such as we were in the car at christmas time I was happy, and he said I would love to go and live in Canada, if you were younger you could come with me, when I seemed hurt he would say, don’t you want me to have a better life. This sort of thing happened a lot, he once said to me you are so beautiful when you were younger you must have been so gorgeous. After we had been close once he said to me I had a dream I was having sex with my ex girlfriend, this upset me so much I cried, and he laughed and said I love getting you jealous. He told me his parents had set him up with a wife in another country and they wanted him to marry her. He once broke off with me saying he wanted to be just friends as he did not have time for a girlfriend, then he asked me to go round as a friend as he had many problems and needed a good friend, so I went to his flat even though I was trying to get over the break up, he had brought me a mobile phone, and wine and meal, he did the charm offensive thing even to the point of throwing himself on the floor when he was trying to seduce me saying he knows he was wrong to hurt me could I take him back. As soon as I did then the phone calls stopped again, This time its been 3 weeks and he has vanished, I e mailed him once but had no response, I am now after 9 months of torture trying to get him out of my head. We all know this is so hard as we always remember the sweet talking charmer who made us feel wonderful but we forget about the nasty stuff , this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I am shaking and crying and upset but he has done this to me 3 times, this time I had no word at all just the discard. It is best to get over this man but my heart tells me something else, and like a fool I would probably take him back if he ever returned. I will try not to very hard.

    Reply
    • Val, you are NOT a fool! We’ve all taken these ugly people back or even begged to go back. Why? Because this type of bond is chemical and because we think the bad that we experienced is simply our minds exaggerating our memories. Keep reminding yourself why this person doesn’t deserve your love, time, and attention. And while you’re at it, remind yourself why you deserve you’re love, time, and attention more. You are worthy of happiness. But to get to that happiness, you must be patient with yourself and the prices of your brain chemistry catching up with your logic and heart. Do something you love! Treat yourself to people and places you love! :)

    • Thank you Paula, I know you are right and lets hope I have the strength to stay away from him if he does decide to come back to hoover up, it’s like water torture goes on and on, thanks again

    • I forgot to mention Paula, that I never once met anyone who he knew or any of his friends, He hardly took me out anywhere, but he was quite happy to meet my friends. He kept me quite separate obviously from his life.

  5. I have done exactly the same thing FINALLY. After being married for 8 yrs and being discarded 7 times I am finally done and I have prayed in these last few weeks god tell show me what to do amen !! All of a sudden it was like he was made of glass and I could see right thru him.Things are different this time and he is shitting himself I have gone No contact to the minimal as we have 3 children. If he calls I either say yes , no and goodbye. Truth is I have come to the point where I have to forgive myself now for being so naïve and not aware and I would rather die than be chewed up and spit out one more time and I have come to far to go back to that horrible feeling like lm nothing again. He has lied ,cheated, abused my trust and even stolen from our children all my fault of course pffft !! NO More !! Now my life begins.

    Reply
  6. I don’t know where to start, I met my narc whilst in my ten year marriage. My marriage was having a rough patch and obviously I was vunerable to attention. Here is where the narc caused utter devastation! He was a client of mine at the salon where I work and on the particular day he came in I had been upset after an argument with my husband, N was very interested in my marital problems and seemed very considerate. After N left I was sent flowers, a facebook request and a message to say I’m no looney stalker, hope you like the flowers. Then this is when he bombarded me with mental stimulation, he was smart, witty, charming, attentive and seemed like a real gentlemen. Whatever I’d missed in my marriage he was the answer. Narc put all sorts of ideas in my head, we met through fate, he couldn’t live without me, where had I been all his life, he had been waiting for me all this time. I honestly thought I’d met my soulmate! My marriage ended as a result of the bombardment from the narc, I fell in love with my mirror image and my narc seemed perfect, although cryptic messages in his texts were pinging in my head but my heart would rule. I would question his behaviour only to be told, I can’t believe you think I’m playimg games, do you think I’m playing games?? I noticed he started to pull away from me and my gut was telling me something isn’t right. So I decided to text him and ask for space. I then heard nothing from him for about three days, not knowing I was dealing with a narc I text to ask if we was over. I got a reply to say… Why would you think that? After everything I have done for you? Anyway we exchanged a few texts then he would not reply for weeks or even finish our relationship, he always gave me a glimmer of hope. Then in weeks time he would text to ask How are you? Each time leaving me no reply for longer than the last time and the messages were all condescending towards me. I knew something was terribly wrong and found out about npd and no contact, so with no contact from me he did exactly what I knew he would do. He tried to come back to me, but I now had knowledge as power and made hom aware of the fact I knew he was a cerebral narcissist. I suppose I am quite lucky to of escaped before the devaluation stage as I only received it in a text message. I am very hurt that he came into my life only to cause devastation. Time for me now to rebuild my life for me and my two children.

    Reply
    • Nicole, you are lucky and will remain lucky as long as you stay NC. They always come back if we leave a heart-space window open to them. You are obviously a caring and compassionate woman. You have children you love. Keep them first and continue to model love and understanding and foster a good co-parenting relationship with their father if possible. But stay NC with the narc, because there is always an opportunity to be discarded by him in a worse way than through texts. :)

  7. I’ve been involved with a man I believe has a Cluster B disorder (specifically NPD) for the last year and a half and my life has been a train wreck. I found out he had a LTR with a woman in another town and the house he was living in was actually HER house months after we became involved. He preyed on me knowing my home-life was in turmoil (I was trying to separate from my husband and he was right there, rooting me on and encouraging an affair with me once he established himself as a “caring friend”). As soon as I actually separated from my husband… all of the love bombing stopped and the caring person I thought I had found became something else entirely. He turned into a monster, lying, cheating, gaslighting, accusing me of having boyfriends, getting back with my husband, hanging out in bars and all kinds of dumb things. The girlfriend he had stashed away in the other town made her presence known because she’d been suspicious about me all along which made things ugly. The red flags I had ignored earlier and explained away began to get worse and prolonged (the ST, the devaluing, the verbal abuse, the push and pull.. stalking).. and then the cycle would start all over again. Its been hell. He was older than me by seventeen years. It wasn’t that he was SO good looking.. or so anything other than that when we were together that made me stay for as long as I did., He had a way of intoxicating me with the mirroring. He knew exactly what to say to be what I needed.. and I was SO needy. My relationship with my husband had left me emotionally and physically neglected and he came along and spoon fed me. I ate it up like a starving dog. He touched me JUST the way I needed to be touched and said everything I needed to. I never thought a man could lie in the heat of the moment. THAT special moment. I was WRONG. I am now in the third week of what I believe may be the final “discard”.. and I’m finally beginning to detox. I have begun therapy. I KNOW that one day.. I will move on from him. I know that I didn’t really love him. I loved the IDEA of him.. and one day.. I will recover – The sun will shine again.

    Reply
    • It’s wonderful that you are remaining positive and hopeful, Nicole. Your story and description is soooo familiar. No guilt. No shame. Just acceptance and faith in your true self. :)

    • Wow ….. This could have been written by me almost a mirror image story . I too was separated from my husband when the Narc arrived in my life . He totally love bombed me in every way. Talked me into divorce when I clearly wasn’t ready even talked me into signing my home over to my now ex husband as ” we can’t marry and live in that house together “. When the dust had settled and the divorce was over I fell pregnant and he discarded me …. Disappeared in a puff of smoke . They really are the Pitts ! X

  8. […] said and done, I needed one more dropkick in the face from him and his new narcissistic supply to finally GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD.  Reconnecting with an old high school friend who had just left […]

    Reply
  9. Hello, I am so confused and hurt as I have just recently learnt about NPD, my now ex-boyfriend discarded me without any major reason. I am so hurt that I can’t stop crying. He love bombed me at the beginning of the relationship, talked about marriage (it should have hit me back then that things were speeding up very quickly), he almost worshiped me. When I once confronted him, he flipped big time… PLease help me, he has not contacted me in 3 weeks and I am not going to contact him, and I have not since 3 weeks ago. I have self respect and I told him so. I will not lower myself to beg him to come back to me, as he was in the wrong and totally unreasonable but I still miss him, esp from the beginning of the relationship, as he was so caring and simply perfect and he too is incredibly attractive….

    Reply
    • Anonymous, I am really sorry you are feeling so lost and confused. I could tell you that continuing “no contact” is your healthiest choice, but it’s ultimately up to you to look within, weigh the burden of this relationship to date, and trust your gut. Are his good looks THAT important? Are you simply craving a feeling or sensation? Good relationships are built on more than physical pleasure and empty kudos that are intended to lead to physical pleasure. If you desire a long-term relationship that requires mature communication, collaboration, mutual give-and-take and patience, stay “no contact.” If you don’t care about being respected, valued and understood, pick up the phone as soon as he calls you again, because he will call or text you again. You know what you want and what you deserve. Trust yourself to make the best choice for your heart and peace. :)

  10. When I found out the guy who was chasing me relentlessly was seeing another woman a year ago I tried to to break up with him but he was sooooo determined to keep me hooked. He has dated several women since she did not pan out.. He is VERY charming, funny and extremely attractive ..and many years younger than me so of course being a very empathetic and easily flattered person I kept caving..and caving and caving.. the fact that we work together does not help either. I knew he was some kind of creature but this kid was relentless. And I had not dated anyone for a long time since my divorce so I was an amateur and ripe for picking. I started doing some serious work on myself esteem about 5 months ago and I am kind of happy to say I have been doing everything I can (even though my addiction to him is still pretty bad) to turn him off. I have reason to believe the discard has really started this weekend. He calls without fail on the weekends to “hang out” and so far nothing. I am scared and my heart is pounding (the addiction thing) but I am also happy that this is happening now that I am mostly ready to really cut all contact.. I think he has found another “soul mate” I pray for her but I am so ready to recover from this mess. I have never encountered this kind of person. I pray to God I never meet anyone like him again. Is this a Narcissist? Or a sociopath? I wish I could just put a label on him it would provide me with just a little more comfort..it has been almost 2 years of drowning in this. I am getting ready to leave town to just really get away..

    Reply
    • It’s less important to label him and more important to recognize the agony you feel when you are in his presence. It doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t a narcissist or sociopath. What matters is that, when in your life, you feel inadequate and not yourself. No relationship is a healthy relationship if one person feels like he/she doesn’t matter. :)

  11. This article was the cure for my current situation. My father is a narc and I was crushed a few minutes ago when I came across living-room where he was watching TV and since I am not able to ignore anybody entering any space, I looked at him and have seen that he is doing his best to ignore me. We don’t speak anymore, but still living in this same house. My mother is an enabler of this and she is sick of being bystander and taking sides. In my fathers look, you can see some pathological mental state but for more than 3 years I am looking for the signs of adult children of alcoholics (he is the one), the more I came back to narcissistic disorder. And today, even we have seen each other for only a 5 seconds, his attitude crushed me. I needed to find some logic to keep myself sober.
    Thanks a lot for this post, you healed me in seconds and opened my eyes.
    Thank you a lot!

    Reply
    • Vladimir, thank you for commenting. I received your message yesterday and responded to you but the e-mail was bounced back. It’s possible you entered your e-mail address incorrectly. Regardless, I just wanted to explain that sometimes comments from new visitors go into moderation. I do that to avoid spam being posted and also to avoid inappropriate responses from going live that have the potential to offend. Thank you, again, for sharing!

  12. I’m sitting here thinking, OMG!!!! This is my life! This is what I just experienced! I have been lying here, crying my eyes out for two months trying to understand what happened, and now it is so darned clear!!!!!! Thank you for giving me the answers I so desperately needed to begin healing! Being in this
    Kind of relationship totally obscures who you are as a woman and leaves you devastated, demoralized and confused! With this article, you helped lift the veil on the confusion. All I can say is “THANK YOU!!!!!

    Reply
  13. It’s even worse when the narcissist is your own mother…I mean who doesn’t want their mother’s love? It took me 50+ years of the push me pull me type thing…and finally after a life threatening injury that kept me hospitalized for 2 years when for lack of other options I had to leave my 2 daughters with her. Suddenly once the single mother she had often praised was made out to be a child abuser (I was not there to defend myself) and my children brainwashed, my youngest child being sent to live with her father (without my knowledge of permission) never to return (it’s been 14 years since I’ve seen her or had a relationship with her) did I finally grow a pair and eradicate her from my life.

    Now she is 78 years old, my father is in a nursing home and she has no one! She systematically drove everyone away…one by one but by bit.

    For those of you in this situation right now, take comfort for if you sit back and wait long enough you’ll one day see that karma has a nasty way of coming full circle!

    Reply
  14. I have spent 15 years trying to figure out what “went wrong” in my 23 years of marriage to a man who was a narc and finding this website has been such a blessing to me. I now understand so many things and that all the things I did to keep my marriage together for the sake of my kids only fed into my ex-narc’s maniacal behaviors. For the past 16 years I have racked my brain trying to make some sense of why this seemingly “normal” person could do the things he did to my children and myself. I now have answers. Thank you for all of the information you provide and for a place where I can glean understanding and finally come to grips with the fact that trying to have a “normal” relationship with a narc is impossible. The devastation that he created with his sick behavior has left long term effects on my children and myself but hopefully now we can all begin to understand and heal. Prayers for all of those who have suffered at the hands of people with this personality disorder. May we all find peace and healing.

    Reply
  15. When I read the line ‘I left him before he discarded me. I left the toxic relationship at the height of what he thought was his total and complete domination and control over me. I pulled his narcissistic supply right out from under him, and it pissed him off. It REALLY pissed him off.’ in your post, I was able to smile. You and I had the same experience in this regard… I had seen the reality when the mask slipped (actually, it didn’t slip – he gleefully pulled it off right in front of me and bared the ‘real’ him for me as he divulged things he had thought, said, done, lied about, sabotaged, and destroyed for decades) and knew that it was over.

    He was still clinging to me as his supply, but that day I began to form a plan to extricate myself from his grasp and control. When I finally did it six months later, it was with his unwitting help to get me to a place where I was physically and emotionally safe. And oh, was he FURIOUS with me. So much so that he told even more lies to our four children, driving them away from me… they are adults, so part of that is their responsibility, They never contacted me to ask questions about what they were told, they just went along with the version of the story that he and his parents had been telling them for over a decade. The lies went so deep in my family that it undermined me years before I was even aware of the situation. Freeing myself from it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Even with this awful pain of losing my children and grandchildren, I am healthier and stronger.

    Thank you for your encouraging writings, Pauline!

    Reply
    • Thank you, DebK. I never get used to the overwhelming sacrifices many make in order to be free from the craziness and undermining behavior of these individuals. And you’re absolutely right; you’re children are adults and have a choice to question or not to question. I saw how lies and ugliness can tear down a family, yet the family remain somewhat intact, either out of indifference or out of shear fear that any one of them could be the next target. XOXO

  16. I recently figured out my ex is a complete Narc-sociopath. We were together for 4 years and he had discarded me during the first 3 months saying he needed space, excuse after excuse. Turns out I was the other woman and he was trying to get rid of his ex before me, also he was seeing other girls all while saying I was his girlfriend. I didn’t know any of that until months later. He kept me around I asked for him to give us a chance since I was unaware at why I briefly discarded.

    Well a year into our relationship he asked me to move in, everything seemed great but I’m not big on over ego boosting and he acted like a child if I didn’t stroke his ego, it wad exhausting. One day he had his email open and since I trusted him I didn’t think he was cheating on me, afterall he said I was “his everything, his world”. He had a folder created in his email that said “pictures” so I clicked expecting to see pics of ME…nope it was other women nude with dirty messages, and porn sites.

    I confronted told him I was leaving since he was seeing other girls, I lost trust. He begged said he would “change” so we had what I thought a fresh start to rebuild trust but it was hard because he seemed emotionally gone at the same time worshiping me. In the back of my mind I felt he created this new persona afraid I would leave him. He became too good to be true.

    On our fourth year all his friends were getting married having babies, pressuring him so he started saying we should too but I said we’re not financially ready, and rejected the idea. I had lost my job he was only working.

    I was jobless, and I took great care of him & the house, like a housewife. But he decided to find new supply and dump me kick me out and turned into a cold distant monster overnight. He met a customer at work who is a dancer and very social and I caught him cheating he denied and said not true even when I had evidence, he made me feel crazy manipulating everything I said & did making himself a victim.

    I asked why is he doing this he said he’s only talking to her to network his band and to have fun. But he can’t be with me anymore. Once I moved out he stalked me all while taking her to all the placed he took me, calling her my exact pet names yet denying it while trying to keep me attached but her Twitter account showed the evidence.

    I finally snapped and told him he’s a fake and creates a mask for each girl he never loved me he was in love with the idea of me, he only cares about himself, etc. His new girlfriend knew he was with me I read his Facebook, the new girl stayed on the side for 5 months waiting for him to discard me.

    He told her how I couldn’t make him happy, so she told him she could ego boosting him it was dick to read. It hasn’t been a year since he dumped me, and now they’re “so in love” . During our 4 years he displayed A LOT of Narc traits. I feel sick that he wanted me to stay on the side and be his option all while saying the same speech from our first break years ago, he wanted het for fun and once he was done he would’ve came back to me like I allowed before.

    This time I was smart and challenged him he hated that and cut me off completely. The last time I looked at his profile he has made mean songs about me saying he hates himself for once loving me I was a waste holding him back from everything, never satisfying his needs. And I laughed, so hes turned into a victim since I told him about who he really is. It hurts and I know this new girl will feel his wrath once he’s used her up.

    But she feels special, and that he won’t cheat on her, but she showed him that she has no self respect and will be a side girl since she did that with me. She deserves it and he needs help.

    Reply
    • Morgen, you obviously know that what happened to you will happen to her. He’ll never get help, because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. As long as he continues to behave as he does without consequences or accountability, he will keep shopping for and disposing of women and other relationships that serve him for a time and then ar no longer useful. It’s quite sad if you ask me. None of us are average, plain Jane women. We are vibrant, gorgeous, highly intelligent and incredibly strong. Why would we waste our time with losers like this once we know what they really are? We wouldn’t and shouldn’t. XOXO

  17. One day I would be the hero, the next totally a nobody. If we were at a function and one she considered worthy entered, she would gravitate to him and ignore me completely. If I asked why, I was the bad guy. As unaware as she was, as self absorbed as she was, I still did all she asked. Sorry, it got to be too much. I wished her well.

    Reply
    • Good for you for walking away from her. It’s never easy to throw away a life you thought was worth caring for and living for.

  18. I promptly discarded my Narcissistic Sociopath after 18 months of hell, a child between us and I’m expecting another one. I only recently found out what he really was 7 months ago. I had him arrested for domestic abuse, picked my life and moved away and am No Contact with him. I am grateful to be far away and relishing my freedom! Only saw him in court and made no eye contact, I completely ignored him since he no longer exists to me. I am a little fearful of him coming back to harm me or to steal my son, but getting away was the answer to keeping my sanity.

    Reply
    • Good for you! I wish for you to remain safe, too. These fools take just to hurt. And when children are involved, they will stop at nothing to strip the good parent of their babies just to spite them, not because they seriously want to be parents themselves. They aren’t capable of being effective and loving parents. It’s a ruse.

  19. It’s been a year since I actually told someone some illegal things going on in our narcissistic home. Now my narcissist mothers husband is going to jail and she will be without supply. I have no choice but to live in the disfunction at least for another 3 months when i turn 18. My mother knows that I was the truth teller and her abuse has gotten worse but CPS doesn’t seem to hear me that I’m in a bad place but one of my siblings have been removed, which I’m thankful for. Once my step dad goes to jail will my mother take her revenge out on me, will she kick me out and discard me since I destroyed her perfect family?

    Reply
    • Dear Jeana, that is a tough question to answer. I hope you have some family member or a school councelor or a trusted teacher or a minister or priest that you can confide in. Please keep telling your story to someone who is close to you so that they can help you. Go to the police if you have to as well. Since you are under the age of 18 I beleive it would be illegal for your mother to kick you out. Know that here you will find lots of emotional support. And I am hoping that someone here might be better able to answer your question. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

      Ivonne

  20. I have just been discarded. You all know this state too well, when you search for clues and comfort online, and not for the first time. This is that situation. Discarded ruthlessly after five years of him waiting to come to his senses, even explaining him the nature of his disorder and accepting him openly as he is, I am 36 and I want to have children… I think I could have handled him if it was only him to handle (I have become a master of handling, managing and helping a narcissist and I am an independent person, with a good job, income, apartment), but his father is the bigger problem, an even worse case, and he is using his son to fulfil his own ambitions. The old man is super clever, shrewd, charismatic, and has been training his son to be his source of positive supply as long as he lives. I tried many tactics with the bigger problem and failed miserably, achieving only some minor goals, with him laughing openly in my face when we are alone. Two days ago he launched the latest ”project”- i.e. smth to have his son on a leash to invest two years of his time, energy and money in, with me obviously being removed as a lower priority, history being repeated for the 4th time. I cannot believe my bf is not recognizing the pattern! Every time the two of us were supposed to move forward, to marry the old villiain would come up with a project, ruining our plans. The minute my bf started praising the food I served for the old jerk, the jerk’s eyes glared and the latest plan revealed during the desert. Every time his plan was so carefully made (he holds MA degrees in both engineering and psychology) that it seemed designed for a higher purpose, for the good of the whole family and of my bf in particlular, and showed him as a caring father, sacrificing himself selflessly for the family, which is rubbish, regardless of the fact that he is a hard working person capable of many useful things. Sometimes I was dreaming of killing him, the father, in the way that cannot be detected and therefore pointing at me. Of course I would never actually do that, but daydreaming is healthy and doesn’ hurt anyone, I ve been told by a friend therapist. At the point of him disappearing I believe his son would either be saved or become his father, but for the first time be able to use his own head and make decisions on his own. And I would be able to handle him… He indeed has some wonderful qualities, it s heartbreaking how the dark side prevails from time to time and gets stronger every time the old man is activated. I honestly hate his father, he performed so many games and hurt me so many times. I know I cannot blame him either, as NPD is an illness and it is terrible, but I cannot stand this injustice towards his son, towards me. I guess I do not need to mention to you just to what extent I neglected my family, friends, everybody and everything because of my ”love” story. I am deeply sadened by the fact of how many dear people suffered for my relationship. Still, what makes me need a therapist myself is the fact that in spite of all that I am still aching for this relationship and that the strongest feeling I have is this need for him, founding a family together, simple happiness with him, and not the feeling for my wonderful caring parents, who, unlike the old bastard (leading an unhealthy life while being super healthy) have serious health issues. In addition, in my country is very difficult to find a man if you are a 36 old girl, and for man to find women, i.e. vice versa situation too easy. So I am running out of alternatives, crave for a family of my own, crave for this sick relationship and though you are telling me things there is nothing that can really help me. However, reading some of the lines makes me feel less alone in this, thank you, and I hope my long (sorry) story would be at least some comfort for the other victims. Sorry if it is not… you people surely understand me… I am so desperate. ”I’m talking about an emotional discard that happens while you are still in the relationship. I’m also talking about a discard of all his memories of you once he has found a new source of narcissistic supply.” those words, oh GOD. Good luck everyone!

    Reply
    • >even explaining him the nature of his disorder

      Here’s the problem… they hate to be exposed and once they know you’re onto them things go downhill because from then on their only goal will be to destroy you…. You should not have told this.

      It’s a conscious thing… it’s evil…. it’s their goal…

      In the beginning they’ll say “I cannot help being like that….it’s not easy you know”

      Well..f*ck that….. they simply choose to be like that. It’s conscious.

  21. This is what my adopted teenage daughter is doing. How could all the good times mean nothing to her? How can she just walk away willingly? My mind cannot wrap around it. She has had early trauma and a host of issues but this I cannot understand. Did I even know her? Was the daughter I thought I had real? How could she just leave us? We are on to her games. She can’t get away with anything anymore so she just discards us. I am really sad. I am loosing my daughter and I don’t even understand why.

    Reply
    • Anonymous, the one good piece of your situation that I see is that your daughter is still a teenager. Many teenagers are VERY narcissistic and don’t necessarily end up developing a personality disorder. Most teenagers grow and mature from their behavior if provided consequences for their behavior. If you allow her to walk all over you, she will continue to walk all over you and never understand that people deserve respect. Her narcissistic tendencies will be her default, and her ability to be empathetic will decrease over time. Have you considered family counseling? Or possibly individual counseling for yourself? You may have issues related to following through with punishments related to your own fears of not being a good enough mother. Of course, I do not know your entire history or situation but don’t feel hopeless. Your love for her can still be a driving force and motivator in your relationship. :)

    • I do not want to sound prejudiced or insensitive, but I believe truth should always be revealed and I will take my chances now with you. I have two aunts, amazing persons, selfless, kind, smart, successful, beautiful personalities, and their husbands, too. They could’n t have children so they both adopted them. As the time passes by, the adoptees are now over 20, we all realize that they are like separate islands, in their own worlds, sure the parents spoiled them a little, but there is more to it, as if they felt the abandoment at the earliest age, which pushed them towards narcissism or at least egocentrism, and, now comes this brave and maybe not convenient presumption of mine, well their biological mothers left them, is it just possible that they inherited some traits which make them more succeptible to NPD? Be as it may, my advice to you as it is to my aunts, set up the boundaries and rules and simply find the way to get what you want- more frequent visits, respecting your birthdays, helping you when you are sick. I hope your daughter is more grateful and capable of love than my male cousin. To the girl I told to behave or else I will inherited her parents’ house (which is not true actually). Told her not to be selfish bitch and that I would destroy her if she ever hurts my aunt and uncle. I also told her that she would truly be abandoned if she continued acting like that. Mentioned the fact that her biological mother did not want to learn who adopted her because she didn’t care. Cruel, I know, my aunt and uncle would be furious to know of this, but It actually worked. We are on good terms now, she is getting better and better to her parents. Still she is a bit eccentric and too sensitive and insecure. She values the support and is eager to help. Not to socialize too much though, except for the messages. I really love her. As the other girl here said, it hopefully comes with the maturity, the empathy and the real caring. As a teenager my cousin was terrible. The situation is much different today.

  22. Almost 11 years of being in a Relationship ( on & off ) with my now Ex Nar and i am just about coming to terms with being Discarded, not for the first time, iv’e lost count how many times he’s chucked us away. He did leave me, our 5 kids who were age : 14, 13, 9, 4, 2 in 2008. he vanished for 6 months, i found out he was back with his ex via our 13 yr old son seeing him at a bonfire party kissing her.
    Six months was the longest we’d ever been apart.
    The didn’t last long and We got back together in March 08 and split up in Jun 12, He dated someone half his age for awhile but he’s back with his ex now. I’m glad he’s gone and its over, he was abusive in every way and anyway, at times me and the kids were scared to death, literally. Taking him back was the biggest mistake ever for me and the kids, his abuse escalated tenfold.
    His ex thinks she’s won him back…. She’s more than welcome.

    Reply
    • Unspoken, I am sorry you experienced what you experienced and that your children suffered in fear, too. But I am overjoyed that you are out and understand what HE is/was. You and your children are worth so much more than that life you once lived.

  23. oh my gosh, I get chills sometimes as I read your words. As you know, my husband’s ex- is a narcissist. My main concern has always been the children, who spend 1/2 their lives learning narcissistic patterns from her. In typical narcissistic patterning, I would not say any of my stepkids behaviors are abnormal for a child, it’s just the LEVEL they take these behaviors to- obviously, because they witness their mom doing it. Our “family talk” last night centered on things that are “disposable” – such as napkins, paper plates, and diapers. We then talked about things that are not disposable- people, being first and foremost. My stepchildren learn from their Mom that people are only to be noticed and valued when they are doing something for you, otherwise, get rid of them. It’s an uphill battle trying to correct these perceptions- wish us luck!

    Reply
  24. I wish I’d read all this and been able to identify my narcissistic partner for what he was before the completely train wreck that happened in my life! Thanks for this post.

    Reply
  25. Great post, Paula. That is one of the toughest part about the whole thing. The idea that you have been made invisible by this person as if you never existed or don’t even exist at all. Good for you for discarding him before he discarded you!!!!!!

    Reply
    • I didn’t actually discard him first. I just left him before he could discard me. Unlike his fiancee before me, I was able to jump out of the relationship physically to handle dealing with the emotional end on my own. It took many months after I left and wrote my story to feel okay about discarding all human thoughts of him from my mind. It’s not natural and the process took its toll on me. Thank you, Ivonne! :)

  26. Wow, you hit the nail on the head, I’ve been emotionally dumped again. Thought it wouldn’t bother me. Great advice, I’ve made all the mistakes you did and more. I’ve made the mistake & waited until he has tossed me aside. I’ve been preparing for divorce, guessed he sensed it. I don’t think it’s another woman, it’s his perfect job. It could be woman or women too. Why is it so hard to let go? Seriously, I read other’s stories & think “get the hell out”! Why can’t I take my own advice. Good question to review again with the counselor. Thank you for you insight & sharing, it’s been exactly what I needed to hear!

    Reply

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