A narcissist will discard you when you are no longer useful to him. I’m not just talking about a physical discard like when the relationship ends and he kicks your ass to the curb. I’m talking about an emotional discard that happens while you are still in the relationship. I’m also talking about a discard of all his memories of you once he has found a new source of narcissistic supply. The timing of him finding a new and rich narcissistic/ego supply, determines how soon and when you will no longer be useful to him. It is when you are finally, 100% discarded.
Before leaving my abusive relationship with the boy, I knew I had to be okay with him one day thinking I was “useless.” I left him before he discarded me. I left the toxic relationship at the height of what he thought was his total and complete domination and control over me. I pulled his narcissistic supply right out from under him, and it pissed him off. It REALLY pissed him off.
On top of all the names and accusations he screamed at me through my phone and texts messages, I knew that one day soon his rage against me would end. He would go from one extreme to the next. From being incredibly angry and desperately hurt at my departure one day to telling people I’m nothing to him and never was the next. (Who’s the bi-polar one, again?) And his dramatic and seamless switch was all thanks to fresh narcissistic supply; a new victim had entered his life. What happened to his feelings and thoughts of me? He tucked them neatly away into the far recesses of his mind the way he tucked away the memories of so many other good people he once shared moments.
Struggling with the idea of being useless and of one day not being remembered at all by the narcissist was the hardest part of my acceptance and recovery. After all, in this world of billions we meet so few people with whom we share our inner-most thoughts and feelings. We hope that those people would honor that connection forever, because that’s what good people do. But narcissists don’t see things the way good people see things. They never REALLY share anything about themselves that’s truthful in the first place and only use your disclosures against you. They have no honor to bestow on anything or anyone, including themselves. Where is the honor, usefulness, and goodness in THAT?!?
And when we start speaking the truth about their lack of honor, usefulness, and goodness, we are deemed the dishonorable and tasteless ones. Whatever works for them, I guess.
Accept the discard. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to convince the fool that he’s wrong about you. (I made that mistake. I don’t want you to do that, too.) Instead, discard him like he discarded you. No more ruminating on why he’s the way he is or why you stuck around for so long. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to free yourself. Accept the discard and discard him today if you haven’t already.
Namaste!
I have just been discarded. You all know this state too well, when you search for clues and comfort online, and not for the first time. This is that situation. Discarded ruthlessly after five years of him waiting to come to his senses, even explaining him the nature of his disorder and accepting him openly as he is, I am 36 and I want to have children… I think I could have handled him if it was only him to handle (I have become a master of handling, managing and helping a narcissist and I am an independent person, with a good job, income, apartment), but his father is the bigger problem, an even worse case, and he is using his son to fulfil his own ambitions. The old man is super clever, shrewd, charismatic, and has been training his son to be his source of positive supply as long as he lives. I tried many tactics with the bigger problem and failed miserably, achieving only some minor goals, with him laughing openly in my face when we are alone. Two days ago he launched the latest ”project”- i.e. smth to have his son on a leash to invest two years of his time, energy and money in, with me obviously being removed as a lower priority, history being repeated for the 4th time. I cannot believe my bf is not recognizing the pattern! Every time the two of us were supposed to move forward, to marry the old villiain would come up with a project, ruining our plans. The minute my bf started praising the food I served for the old jerk, the jerk’s eyes glared and the latest plan revealed during the desert. Every time his plan was so carefully made (he holds MA degrees in both engineering and psychology) that it seemed designed for a higher purpose, for the good of the whole family and of my bf in particlular, and showed him as a caring father, sacrificing himself selflessly for the family, which is rubbish, regardless of the fact that he is a hard working person capable of many useful things. Sometimes I was dreaming of killing him, the father, in the way that cannot be detected and therefore pointing at me. Of course I would never actually do that, but daydreaming is healthy and doesn’ hurt anyone, I ve been told by a friend therapist. At the point of him disappearing I believe his son would either be saved or become his father, but for the first time be able to use his own head and make decisions on his own. And I would be able to handle him… He indeed has some wonderful qualities, it s heartbreaking how the dark side prevails from time to time and gets stronger every time the old man is activated. I honestly hate his father, he performed so many games and hurt me so many times. I know I cannot blame him either, as NPD is an illness and it is terrible, but I cannot stand this injustice towards his son, towards me. I guess I do not need to mention to you just to what extent I neglected my family, friends, everybody and everything because of my ”love” story. I am deeply sadened by the fact of how many dear people suffered for my relationship. Still, what makes me need a therapist myself is the fact that in spite of all that I am still aching for this relationship and that the strongest feeling I have is this need for him, founding a family together, simple happiness with him, and not the feeling for my wonderful caring parents, who, unlike the old bastard (leading an unhealthy life while being super healthy) have serious health issues. In addition, in my country is very difficult to find a man if you are a 36 old girl, and for man to find women, i.e. vice versa situation too easy. So I am running out of alternatives, crave for a family of my own, crave for this sick relationship and though you are telling me things there is nothing that can really help me. However, reading some of the lines makes me feel less alone in this, thank you, and I hope my long (sorry) story would be at least some comfort for the other victims. Sorry if it is not… you people surely understand me… I am so desperate. ”I’m talking about an emotional discard that happens while you are still in the relationship. I’m also talking about a discard of all his memories of you once he has found a new source of narcissistic supply.” those words, oh GOD. Good luck everyone!
This is what my adopted teenage daughter is doing. How could all the good times mean nothing to her? How can she just walk away willingly? My mind cannot wrap around it. She has had early trauma and a host of issues but this I cannot understand. Did I even know her? Was the daughter I thought I had real? How could she just leave us? We are on to her games. She can’t get away with anything anymore so she just discards us. I am really sad. I am loosing my daughter and I don’t even understand why.
Anonymous, the one good piece of your situation that I see is that your daughter is still a teenager. Many teenagers are VERY narcissistic and don’t necessarily end up developing a personality disorder. Most teenagers grow and mature from their behavior if provided consequences for their behavior. If you allow her to walk all over you, she will continue to walk all over you and never understand that people deserve respect. Her narcissistic tendencies will be her default, and her ability to be empathetic will decrease over time. Have you considered family counseling? Or possibly individual counseling for yourself? You may have issues related to following through with punishments related to your own fears of not being a good enough mother. Of course, I do not know your entire history or situation but don’t feel hopeless. Your love for her can still be a driving force and motivator in your relationship.
I do not want to sound prejudiced or insensitive, but I believe truth should always be revealed and I will take my chances now with you. I have two aunts, amazing persons, selfless, kind, smart, successful, beautiful personalities, and their husbands, too. They could’n t have children so they both adopted them. As the time passes by, the adoptees are now over 20, we all realize that they are like separate islands, in their own worlds, sure the parents spoiled them a little, but there is more to it, as if they felt the abandoment at the earliest age, which pushed them towards narcissism or at least egocentrism, and, now comes this brave and maybe not convenient presumption of mine, well their biological mothers left them, is it just possible that they inherited some traits which make them more succeptible to NPD? Be as it may, my advice to you as it is to my aunts, set up the boundaries and rules and simply find the way to get what you want- more frequent visits, respecting your birthdays, helping you when you are sick. I hope your daughter is more grateful and capable of love than my male cousin. To the girl I told to behave or else I will inherited her parents’ house (which is not true actually). Told her not to be selfish bitch and that I would destroy her if she ever hurts my aunt and uncle. I also told her that she would truly be abandoned if she continued acting like that. Mentioned the fact that her biological mother did not want to learn who adopted her because she didn’t care. Cruel, I know, my aunt and uncle would be furious to know of this, but It actually worked. We are on good terms now, she is getting better and better to her parents. Still she is a bit eccentric and too sensitive and insecure. She values the support and is eager to help. Not to socialize too much though, except for the messages. I really love her. As the other girl here said, it hopefully comes with the maturity, the empathy and the real caring. As a teenager my cousin was terrible. The situation is much different today.
Almost 11 years of being in a Relationship ( on & off ) with my now Ex Nar and i am just about coming to terms with being Discarded, not for the first time, iv’e lost count how many times he’s chucked us away. He did leave me, our 5 kids who were age : 14, 13, 9, 4, 2 in 2008. he vanished for 6 months, i found out he was back with his ex via our 13 yr old son seeing him at a bonfire party kissing her.
Six months was the longest we’d ever been apart.
The didn’t last long and We got back together in March 08 and split up in Jun 12, He dated someone half his age for awhile but he’s back with his ex now. I’m glad he’s gone and its over, he was abusive in every way and anyway, at times me and the kids were scared to death, literally. Taking him back was the biggest mistake ever for me and the kids, his abuse escalated tenfold.
His ex thinks she’s won him back…. She’s more than welcome.
Unspoken, I am sorry you experienced what you experienced and that your children suffered in fear, too. But I am overjoyed that you are out and understand what HE is/was. You and your children are worth so much more than that life you once lived.
oh my gosh, I get chills sometimes as I read your words. As you know, my husband’s ex- is a narcissist. My main concern has always been the children, who spend 1/2 their lives learning narcissistic patterns from her. In typical narcissistic patterning, I would not say any of my stepkids behaviors are abnormal for a child, it’s just the LEVEL they take these behaviors to- obviously, because they witness their mom doing it. Our “family talk” last night centered on things that are “disposable” – such as napkins, paper plates, and diapers. We then talked about things that are not disposable- people, being first and foremost. My stepchildren learn from their Mom that people are only to be noticed and valued when they are doing something for you, otherwise, get rid of them. It’s an uphill battle trying to correct these perceptions- wish us luck!
Kimberly,
Do you follow http://www.graceformyheart.wordpress.com?He is a Christian minister who has experienced narcissism in the church and has worked with families and has some great advice for parents who must co-parent with narcissists. This post was influenced by yesterday’s Narcissistic Friday post on his blog. XOXO
I wish I’d read all this and been able to identify my narcissistic partner for what he was before the completely train wreck that happened in my life! Thanks for this post.
and what more needs said?!
Great post, Paula. That is one of the toughest part about the whole thing. The idea that you have been made invisible by this person as if you never existed or don’t even exist at all. Good for you for discarding him before he discarded you!!!!!!
I didn’t actually discard him first. I just left him before he could discard me. Unlike his fiancee before me, I was able to jump out of the relationship physically to handle dealing with the emotional end on my own. It took many months after I left and wrote my story to feel okay about discarding all human thoughts of him from my mind. It’s not natural and the process took its toll on me. Thank you, Ivonne!
Wow, you hit the nail on the head, I’ve been emotionally dumped again. Thought it wouldn’t bother me. Great advice, I’ve made all the mistakes you did and more. I’ve made the mistake & waited until he has tossed me aside. I’ve been preparing for divorce, guessed he sensed it. I don’t think it’s another woman, it’s his perfect job. It could be woman or women too. Why is it so hard to let go? Seriously, I read other’s stories & think “get the hell out”! Why can’t I take my own advice. Good question to review again with the counselor. Thank you for you insight & sharing, it’s been exactly what I needed to hear!
I’m glad you have a counselor who can help you. And I’m glad I was able to help, too, Ella. XOXO
Yep – right on!