Sociopath with a pacifierCOVETOUS SOCIOPATH, PSYCHOPATH, ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY TYPEFeels deliberately deprived & denied, rapacious, very greedy, jealous, envious, begrudging, endlessly yearning, seeks retribution. Finds pleasure in actual taking more than having.

I have read, studied, researched, put to the test, and read some more on just about everything I can get my hands on related to narcissists and sociopaths. I spent 11 months (from late March 2011 to late February 2012) trying to disprove my own findings supporting the fact that the boy whom I escaped is a sociopath.

I did not want to believe I had fallen victim to such evil. I did not want to believe that I had introduced family, friends, and (most of all) my son to such a disgusting excuse for a human being. But I did. And the mental confusion and anguish took its toll.

In my research, I have focused on the branch of psychiatry known as social psychiatry. Social psychiatry studies the interpersonal and social/cultural context of the occurrences of mental disorders and well-being and uses training techniques and perspectives of fields such as social anthropology, social psychology, cultural psychiatry, sociology. (Social psychiatry contrasts with biopsychiatry which focuses on genetics, brain neurochemistry, and medication.) I’m not interested in “why” sociopaths exists as much as I’m interested in knowing where and how to spot them and avoid them at all costs.

To me, it is far more valuable for the non-mental health disordered members of a society (like me) to understand how to recognize the destructive and mentally disordered members of society (like the boy).  Delusional and mentally disordered individuals are incurable. They don’t even recognize they are majorly flawed. When a healthy person comes into contact with people like the boy, that healthy person soon becomes unhealthy and appears to be the “crazy” one because a healthy person reacts in the fight/flight/freeze mode to a mentally disordered person’s abnormal behavior. So, when a healthy person fiercely lashes out verbally at the unhealthy and abnormal behavior and communication strategies of a sociopath, we are deemed the ones who are unstable. How convenient for the sociopaths like the boy, huh?

Case in point…

Christmas 2010. The boy and I went to Toys R Us to look for gifts for my son who was 5 at the time. We walked to the learning games section where Leapfrogs and similar products were stocked. Staring at the huge selection, I couldn’t remember if my son’s father had already purchased something I was interested in buying, so I looked at the boy and said, “I’m going to call his dad and see if he already bought this. Would you help me look for book XXX?” The boy nods with what I translate to be a “yes.” I dial my son’s dad on my cell and have a short and sweet conversation lasting less than a minute. Less. Than. A. Minute.

I put away my phone and turn to speak to the boy, but he’s not there. I go to the next aisle. He’s not there, either. I walk up and down the aisles in this section but can not find him anywhere. I walk to the front of the store toward the cash registers. (This is a HUGE Toys R Us.) I see the boy standing over by some dolls in the girl’s section.

I walk up to him frustrated and demand, “Why did you walk away from me? You said you would help me? What is wrong with you? I have been searching up and down the aisles trying to find you? What are you doing?”

In typical delusional fashion, the boy screams, “Don’t talk to me like that! I was looking for something for my niece. You have no right to talk to me like that!” Then he walks out of the store. I walk to the registers. I had toys to buy. I wasn’t dealing with the boy’s childish mind games.

I purchased my son’s gifts, walked to the car expecting to see the boy waiting there, but discovered he was nowhere in sight. I got into my car and drove around the shopping center, the nearby neighborhoods, and finally gave up looking for the boy and drove back to the boy’s house. I “wasted” more than 30 minutes in search of a grown man who was acting more like a 5-year-old than my 5-year-old.

I pull up to the boy’s house, park, and enter through the side door. What do you know?! He was sitting all cozy on his sofa with his dog on his lap licking himself. (The dog was licking himself, not the boy. Hehehe!) Hmmm?

I immediately scream at him that he shouldn’t just walk away and not tell someone where he is going. Silence. More silence. He continues to ignore me, giving me the silent treatment. I wanted to scream. I wanted to leave. I couldn’t take dealing with this fucker ignoring me and trying, in his silence, to punish me for his own childish behavior.

You see, he walked away from me in the store because he WANTED me to get upset with him and yell at him in order to accuse me of being hateful. But it was out of his own self-hatred that he projects onto me and my son that my disgust for his actions manifested. My attention was being taken away from him in the store when I called my son’s father. He HATED that I was focused so much on my son and buying gifts for my son. His narcissistic supply was drained that day, and he knew exactly how to get more. And he got it, just like a child who drops his pacifier and cries until someone comes along and gives it back to him.

I should have walked away from the boy’s demented life that day and left him to find another pacifier, another healthy woman to drain. But I waited a few more weeks.

(He never did buy a doll for his niece that Christmas, by the way. Another controlling distraction created by his delusional mind.)


abuse, Child abuse, Children, Christmas, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Health, Kids, Mental Health, Narcissist, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 32 Comments

  1. For those who quesiton Paula’s behaviour, it’s clearly the reaction of someone who has been repeatedly provoked and is frustrated and simply defending herself.
    I just went through an awful two month ordeal with a narcissist. They drive you absolutely crazy. And in my opinion, it’s for the best.
    I tried everything with this narcissist. I tried to be uber affectionate and commit, he would say he didn’t want to rush things. I’d be up front and ask him on a date, he’d act confused and invite a friend. I’d play it cool and casual, he’d tell me that he’d opened up to me and I was being dismissive and cold. Their inconsistencies and your attempts to adapt, make you inconsistent, and all the while feeling unsure of yourself and their motives.
    I am talking about a guy who pursued me persistently while I was guarded. As soon as I reciprocated, the tables turned. And kept turning. All to manipulate me. Because the narcissist wants everyone to fall in love with them, and they can’t commit because it limits being loved by only one person.
    In the end my narcissist/demon accused me of something completely random (letting a friend get molested by someone else: which never happened) and I just lost it. I was drunk too, which didn’t help. Totally embarrassed myself by yelling “it is SO arrogant for you to assume that! I would never let that happen to a friend!” He stormed off and never spoke to me again. He unfriended me on facebook too.
    When you try to defend yourself and raise your voice, they disengage and play the victim.
    Going crazy is good, because that’s when they leave you alone. It feels awful at the time, but being with them and thinking everything is good is a trap and a waste of time. I’d rather be a temporary psycho than a doormat.

    • Yes! It’s very true. Temporarily going a little off center means we were balanced in the first place. If we were crazy before we entered the relationship, we probably would have adapted better. There is a quote that explains succinctly…that it’s normal to react abnormally to abnormal circumstance…something like that. Thank you, Someone. And I am very happy you were able to make your exit even though it seems like the butt hole forced the choice for you. Clearly, you were just too smart for him. :)

    • I really felt like a fool in the end so thank you for saying I was too smart for him. I really wish I’d rejected him properly (I’d tried once but he cried and told me he had strong feelings for me). So many of my friends said “he’s a narcissist, stay away.” But I hadn’t experienced this before and didn’t want to believe it, and the jerk made me feel like I was the unstable one.
      Even from the start though, when he was positive, it was unusual. The day after I’d met him he assumed we were best friends. I’d made a comment about being friends for now and letting a foundation build as we get to know each other, and he was (part-jokingly) offended and said “Oh I thought we were close friends, but okay, fine!”
      Hot and cold from day dot.
      The sad thing is, I’m still hung up on him. I’ve steered clear of him (and he, me) but hopefully my feelings let him go soon. It’s been a month since the blow-out. Hopefully he leaves me alone. I’ve heard narcissists have a tendency to come back. This guy already has once before.

    • Oh, yes. He’ll be back. But the wonderful thing is that you already have the knowledge and awareness few have in those circumstances. You’ll be able to make the best and most informed decision to remain self-protective. My ex called me his future wife and future mother of his children within two days of meeting him! It’s over-the-top, delusional stuff that makes the hairs on the back of our neck stand at attention. Why aren’t we heeding our own gut from the beginning?! Hehe! Because we’re curious. We’re curious about these nuts and we poke and get too close. We already know it’s not real, but we insist on hard evidence to prove it. :)

  2. You sound like a sociopath yourself.

    • When you deal with sociopaths you end up behaving like the shit people they are because there is no other option. Read a little more, Anonymous. Check yourself, Anonymous. Educate yourself, Anonymous. Stop trolling, Anonymous. (I bet I sound like a sociopath now, too, huh?)

    • I apologize for being so rude and defensive with my first response, Anonymous. But you don’t visit a blog and read one post and then accuse the writer of being the very thing she ran from. To me, you aren’t interested in understand and comprehending another person’s story. To me, it means you just want to judge. And that’s okay. Judge away. Judging others is the easiest thing to do in this world.

      being judged is the part of telling my story that never seems to baffle me. Many who have never expereinced abuse and control at the hands of a person you should feel most safe are quick to attack the victim. This abuse and control is subtle and insidious. This story I am telling in this post was after about three years of dealing with this boy’s childish games. I was tired of it by this point and didn’t really care if I came across as a bitchy mothering type to him. After all, he had been and continued to behave like a child who hadn’t learned the simplicity of respect. What the fuck did he expect?

      I realize that this story offers only VERY subtle understanding. Most people who get it have been where I have been. They know how frustrating it finally becomes to be dealing with a grown man who acts like three-year-old child.

      I write my blog mainly for readers who have been where I have been and for readers who have a true ability to empathize and wish to understand. THOSE are the people I have come to value most. I do not value people like you, Anonymous, too cowardly to even type your real name when making such accusations. I hope the weather is nice today in jolly ole England, by the way. :)

  3. You’ve probably already found . This site helped me a lot but the site allows CBs into the site who were raised by CBs. Not a good thing to do. The glossary is great. This is the standard.

    And this site for men does have some women and has really helped me. The behaviors of these vampires are so similar that it is amazing.

  4. I came upon this article while researching a possible sociopath and am appalled. I work professionally with mentally ill individuals and found “Paula’s” commentary to be tasteless and mean spirited. She bragged about yelling at a person in a store for getting out of her sight. Pretty controlling… and the perverse language used implies a lack of moral character. I recommend examination, however, suspect that my recommendation will infuriate you/her.

    • This is what sociopaths do to non-disordered people- they provoke us to say and do things that we normally wouldn’t do when interacting with healthy people. Keep up your research, because you obviously have much to learn about how these people impact others. There is an abundant amount of research done on sociopaths and cluster Bs (who are not mentally ill; they are disabled in my opinion). There is virtually no research done on the mental health issues they inflict on others. Infuriated? If that’s what you assumed I would be, again, keep reading my blog. I am here to detail the impact of how these people destroy the spiritual and emotional health of others and it’s being overlooked. Instead, people like you blame the victim. Somehow it was my fault I reacted as I did to his childish behavior? And to say I’m bragging is quite another poor observation. People who have been where I have been like the readers who comment realize there is no bragging to be done when we describe how we behaved and lashed out after months and often times years of abuse and mental mind games and manipulations. It’s shameful that we couldn’t escape and end the relationship sooner. For you to come onto an article and interject a very uninformed point with finger pointing is also shameful and very troll-like. No one is here to brag! Many people don’t even use their real names. Why do you think that is? It’s not because they/we want to be personally recognized for our behavior and choices. And it’s certainly not so random people like you can attack them just because you were moved to attack.

  5. Mine called me classless….Well classless or not I have never gotten out of the car on someone at a stop light, or while it was moving…which was one of his favorite tricks for leaving me speechless and worried. He loved to stab things and smash things infront of me…as if the statue your sister gave me represented me. Nice. Normal people dont break their wife’s ribs a week after the wedding. I hate that you can’t fight these people in court…and ofcourse we weren’t married long enough for me to get any support. We were married long enough for him to cut my income in half. Hate the legal system as much as I hate him.

    • Tasteless and classless. They like throwing those words around at people who are honest, as if they are somehow special and entitled to discretion. Screw them! They are despicable. One day your X and my X will cross the wrong people. People who take classless to an entirely different level. Hehe! ;)

  6. When I read this I can remember the walking away randomly so clear! Mine wasn’t allowed around my children ( only thing I did right!) but my Demon used to leave my stranded in public places all times of the night, if he wasn’t my full focus he’d just leave me. No car nothing not even a warning, I remember the first time was a test, he almost left but I was begging crying” what did I do? Please don’t leave me!” I guess I answered a question by another man and he babied up! But that night he didn’t leave me. He studied my reaction, knew I’d cry and loved it, waited for many times to do it and did leave me, I was always the one that made him leave! I needed to learn how to behave around him! ( makes me wanna puke now) during the end I was always in fear of being left that he told me when we were out I wasn’t allowed to look up, only at him!!! And I did it!!! OMG! I was a shell, even then I knew just the slightest bit of attention directed at me would get me left or in ” trouble!” I hate him so much!!!

    • Their behavior should never be tolerated. We believe so deeply that it MUST be us who would cause someone to behave in such a way. It’s difficult to wrap our heads around the fact that it’s something inside of them that causes it. It’s their fear and paranoia. No matter how much attention we gave them, it wasn’t enough. It could have been my mother or sister calling me. It could have been another shopper I talked to about a toy. It could have been me reading a label a little closer. They are sick inside. They are so damn afraid. But it’s not our problem to fix them. It’s our responsibility to think of ourselves first and walk away for good. There are too many good people in the world and in our lives already who want to help us and not hinder us. These Demons just want to destroy us.

  7. the silent treatment.. i never thought of it as being manipulative until the light just went on. I am being treated this way right now in our custody battle (which I am severely losing due to all his lies, even though there is proof to the contrary, he is believed by everyone he comes in contact with, very long story). But, back to this silent treatment, his attorney is also doing this to me, now I see, so I will react. I think I am surrounded by this type of personality disorder on every front right now. I just came across your blog. Covetousness, is an understatement for my ex. He takes us one at a time, the new one, has paid people big bucks for this custody battle and joined in his game. He is constantly boasting about his marriage, makes me want to puke, she is just like him.
    LOVE it, thank you so much for all this confirmation! This is has been a long 5 year battle.

    • Know that she SEEMS just like him because he has got her believing you are the evil one, and she is defending her soulmate against you, the evil she-monster. You are crazy, delusional, depressed, mentally sick, right? Aren’t we all who come into contact with these sick bastards? Hehe! I know this is no joke to you. You are in the midst of the nightmare. And the courts are filled with unsympathetic, power-hungry, money-hungry assholes. Have you checked out or yet? Both are great sites for support and resources that can help you. You will make it through this, and you will be free from this craziness and free to life a happy life just as his current wife begins begging for her exit from hell. :)

    • I completely agree regarding the new wife. Financially he has destroyed her worse than what he did to me. She pays for every high dollar attorney they have gotten – FOUR total in two states! And yes, i came across One Mom’s battle last week, and was just on emotional vampire through your blog. Breathing sighs of relief here … Thank you :)

  8. Excellent Paula!
    …” Delusional and mentally disordered individuals are incurable. They don’t even recognize they are majorly flawed.”

    oh so very true! These types see themselves as normal and beyond approach, they are smarter, better, etc etc, than everyone else, and when called to account, they can turn on you in a half second! and make you out to be the sick one!

    Keep talking, Paula

    • Thank you, Gert. I’ll keep talking and writing and talking and writing some more. :)

    • The last thing my psychopath told me before I cut him off was that there was nothing wrong with him. He was happy with who he was and wasn’t going to allow me to disrespect him or to change his mind. Definitely delusional!

    • Haha! “Disrespect” is one of those token words they all use. The funniest part is that everyone knows they are shitty except for them! There are people in the boy’s life who refer to him as Darth Vader behind his back. He’s probably reading this thinking it’s a compliment. THAT’S delusional. :)

  9. What did he do? Walk home? Jackass! Who does that? Assholes, that’s who.

    P.S. any son whose mom will stand there and (patiently & quietly) video his teaching practices, and then spend a day working to boost his confidence with said video, is a boy who will become a fine man. Poisoned nonetheless, but you are a powerful antidote.

    • Thank you, Melanie. My son said we must have picked a good title for the video for so many people to find us so fast. :)

      And, yes, he walked home! However, I think he must have gotten a cab, because his legs are long but not THAT long! Hehe!

    • A kid’s happiness is so heartwarming. It’s wonderful you get to have those moments.

  10. It sounds all too familiar, Paula…all too familiar! Xoxo

  11. It is so good to be able to look back and laugh at it. When you are going through it and fresh out of it, there is NO humor at all. It is a mark of how far we have traveled!

  12. Erie How similar the events are. Mine was Target @ Christmas time.

  13. Wow Paula! As I mam reading this, my blood is starting to boil. I know exactly what you mean. They set things up, knowing it will create a reaction in us because they love opportunities to make us look crazy and distract from the evil and conniving vampires that they are.

    • Hehe! Yes! I am so glad I am free from this shit. He played these games with my son’s mind, too. I have a friend who calls him and people like him losers because they end up losing everything: friends, family, business partners, girlfriends, wives, etc.

      You’d think vampires like this would get a clue. You’d think they would take a good look at themselves and say, “Wow. I can’t keep anyone in my life. Must be something wrong with me.”

      Nope. Instead, they say, “People are so out of touch with the fact I am right and they are wrong. How can they not see that I am the one living my life the way life should be lived. I have a car, a home, a business, a REALLY nice watch, another home in Argentina…”

      Yeah, buddy. Keep thinking those THINGS will make you happy and bring you joy. The rest of us will continue living “empty” lives filled with love and laughter that we share with other human beings! And on top of that, I’ll keep being tasteless (he likes to call me tasteless) and write about this shit. Hehehe!

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